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Old 06-08-2009, 03:30 PM   #1
velia
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Default A daughter who can't mind her own...

Or at least I'm pretty sure that's what my mom is beginning to think I am. I'm not sure where to post this, but I'm in need of some advice. My mother is a lovely early-40s BBW who would love to have a companion, I'm certain, but is absolutely closed to dating. After an admittedly horrid divorce from my father 12 years ago, she has darted away from any male attention, and refuses to entertain my suggestions that she consider casual dating. I even joke that I'm going to sign her up for e-harmony or somesuch thing, to which she always responds by telling me, "You had better not."

What I've noticed, however, is that her reasons for not dating have shifted. A couple of years after the divorce, it was because she couldn't bring herself to trust another man. Now, her refusal seems to be based solely on the fact that she thinks men couldn't accept her size, or if they could, accepting begrudgingly would be all they could muster. I've preached fat acceptance at her like there's no tomorrow. She's read books I've recommended and she seems to be feeling better about herself, but still believes that men only enjoy the company of thin women. What can I do? What can I say that will encourage my mom? Even my grandmother has come to me to ask what we can do to get my mom back into dating. She deserves to be with someone who appreciates her, and we know she'd be a gift to some great guy. I guess the real question is, should I be doing anything at all? Maybe I'm just butting in where I don't belong.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:08 PM   #2
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I think it's great that you're so supportive of your mom, and it sounds like you've done a lot to make the case that fat does not equal unattractive, but the only person who can give her the confidence to start dating is herself.

Maybe it would help if she got involved in a social activity that isn't about dating, like a book club or volunteering or something. That way, she could socialize with people without the pressure of finding someone to partner off with, or feel like she's in competition with other women.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:16 PM   #3
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I'm sure part of you mother's reluctance is the fact that she hasn't dated in over a decade. It can be intimidating after a long break from that I'm sure. I know you just want your mother to be happy, but you can't force happiness on her or define what that is for her. She's simply not ready to start dating yet, and when she is, I'm sure she'll let you know. Just give her time.
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Old 06-08-2009, 10:17 PM   #4
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Velia, for starters, you might consider printing out some of the photos in the posts from this thread. I'm close to 400 lbs and my husband loves me this way.

I'm sure the thought of dating again is daunting to her. I had a very rough breakup from my ex and we had been together for 15 years. I wasn't ready for anyone else for a number of years, but it just seemed right with the man who is now my husband. We met here over 9 years ago (we are in post #11 in the thread I referenced). So I understand her reluctance, but fears can grow if they're not faced, so some very gentle nudges here and there, along with proof that there are some cute good guys out there who love fat women never hurts, IMO.
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Old 06-09-2009, 12:14 AM   #5
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I'll second Tina's suggestion that gentle nudges here and there are warranted. I'm the same age as your mom and I can state that dating doesn't get any easier and itís easy to just stay on the sidelines. Some nudging from a loving daughter may be just the thing to get her back in the game.

Since you know your mom best nudge in the way thatís most effective for her. In my case I was motivated by the desire to end up in a better place than my ex-partner of 17 years. Shallow and petty I know but it kept me motivated enough to date on and off for six years until I found my wife Ė who incidentally hadnít dated for 13 years (and weighed 410 lbs. when we met). Weíre the couple in post #113 of the FA/BBW Couple Pic thread Tina linked to.

Good luck.
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Old 06-09-2009, 02:04 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tina View Post
Velia, for starters, you might consider printing out some of the photos in the posts from this thread. I'm close to 400 lbs and my husband loves me this way.

I'm sure the thought of dating again is daunting to her. I had a very rough breakup from my ex and we had been together for 15 years. I wasn't ready for anyone else for a number of years, but it just seemed right with the man who is now my husband. We met here over 9 years ago (we are in post #11 in the thread I referenced). So I understand her reluctance, but fears can grow if they're not faced, so some very gentle nudges here and there, along with proof that there are some cute good guys out there who love fat women never hurts, IMO.
Aww..i love that thread so much!.
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Old 06-09-2009, 05:00 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by StarWitness View Post
Maybe it would help if she got involved in a social activity that isn't about dating, like a book club or volunteering or something. That way, she could socialize with people without the pressure of finding someone to partner off with, or feel like she's in competition with other women.
That's an excellent idea. Thank you! She has quite a few solo hobbies that I'm sure translate into group activities.

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Originally Posted by olwen View Post
I know you just want your mother to be happy, but you can't force happiness on her or define what that is for her. She's simply not ready to start dating yet, and when she is, I'm sure she'll let you know. Just give her time.
I definitely want to avoid imposing my ideas of happiness onto my mom. I felt that since her reasons for not dating were not so much because she didn't really want to, but because she was afraid of being rejected based on her body, I wanted to be able to encourage her to do things that might help her let that go. If that opens her to dating, so be it. If not, I agree, it's entirely up to her what will make her happy. Thanks for your advice. I'll be patient.

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Originally Posted by Tina View Post
Velia, for starters, you might consider printing out some of the photos in the posts from this thread. I'm close to 400 lbs and my husband loves me this way.
Also an excellent idea. I had forgotten about that thread, but I love it! You and your husband are lovely. Thank you for your advice.

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Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
I'll second Tina's suggestion that gentle nudges here and there are warranted. I'm the same age as your mom and I can state that dating doesn't get any easier and itís easy to just stay on the sidelines. Some nudging from a loving daughter may be just the thing to get her back in the game.

Good luck.
Thank you! You guys look like a very classy couple! I think my husband and I are in there... somewhere.



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Aww..i love that thread so much!.
Me too!
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Old 06-09-2009, 05:49 PM   #8
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Personally, I think that she has to let go of her outer shell. It's a hard thing to do, and will be very hard to deal with at first, but she will be happier in the end.

I am young for this group. I'm 23, and most of the time I am ignored or disregarded as a serious FA, because I apparently do not understand what I want. It's very annoying, because men who are in their late thirties to their early fifties are still in the closet about liking big women, are taken more seriously, even though I have been more than comfortable with who I am since I was 14. So I have to try that much harder to show the world who I truly am. I have to be bold and strong in my sexual preference.

If I decided to stay in the closet and not express who I am, I'd never be happy.

I guess you have to tell her that if she wants to be happy, she has to find who she is. It's not as easy as accepting "being fat" as much as it is finding who you are. Have her write in a journal that she could share with you. Have her write about who she is, and what she wants in her life. Not just a guy, but a life goal. I hope it's not something like weight loss surgery, but more of how she wants to progress as a woman, how she wants to grow.

I hope that helps you. I know that sharing that has helped me a bit.
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Old 06-09-2009, 11:03 PM   #9
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Thank you, velia. And Mac, you and your Jeannette are a really cute couple.

I think that once your mom sees that it's not over for her and that there are guys out there who prefer her at her present weight, maybe she'll see it differently. It can be really easy to say "I don't want thus and such," when we feel that thus and such is not possible for us. It's kind of a protective device, you know? I don't know your mom, though, so maybe that doesn't apply to her...
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:50 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by RayanamiNGE View Post
Personally, I think that she has to let go of her outer shell. It's a hard thing to do, and will be very hard to deal with at first, but she will be happier in the end.
Ray, thanks for posting. I agree, its a letting go process, and its difficult.

As for being young on Dims, I know this topic comes up frequently. I'm 23 as well (at least until the 21st. . I know the frustration you speak of, but a perspective I've considered and would like to share is that as long as expressed respectfully, the opinion of someone my senior often carries the weight of experience. I may also view this in a different light because I am of the opinion that being young means we haven't as much experience to truly know what we want-- but then, its really rare that anyone at any age truly does.

Sorry I rambled there.

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Thank you, velia. And Mac, you and your Jeannette are a really cute couple.

I think that once your mom sees that it's not over for her and that there are guys out there who prefer her at her present weight, maybe she'll see it differently. It can be really easy to say "I don't want thus and such," when we feel that thus and such is not possible for us. It's kind of a protective device, you know? I don't know your mom, though, so maybe that doesn't apply to her...
I think you hit the nail on the head, Tina. I brought up the idea of joining a local book club or something of the like yesterday, and she told me she was applying for a new job, and maybe she'd "meet a nice doctor there." It seemed she was kidding, but maybe not... I can hope, right?
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Old 06-12-2009, 06:21 AM   #11
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The one thing I wonder, is if she really believes that men are not attracted to BBW....if she met an FA, would she accept him? Or would she consider him just too strange, and reject him for the fact that he liked her as she is?

I think this is a not-uncommon issue with a lot of bigger people
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:11 PM   #12
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The one thing I wonder, is if she really believes that men are not attracted to BBW....if she met an FA, would she accept him? Or would she consider him just too strange, and reject him for the fact that he liked her as she is?

I think this is a not-uncommon issue with a lot of bigger people
Sorry I missed your post somehow, Tad.

I don't think she'd reject him, but I don't know if she'd be able to understand it. Somewhere in her mind, she has to know that men are, in fact, attracted to BBWs. She has a friend who's husband doesn't refer to himself as an FA, but openly vocalizes that he's not interested in thin women, and she has me for a daughter, and I essentially never shut up about fat-acceptance. Who knows? Maybe she can't apply that to her reality.
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