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Old 04-18-2009, 05:23 PM   #1
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Default When your BBW/BHM partner doesn't get your "fat fetish"?

I am sure most FAs find non-traditional erogenous zones like double chins, soft arms, belly, back fat, thighs, calves, puffy feet and even supposed flaws like stretchmarks and cellulite extremely appealing.

However, most of my past partners are just not interested in any attention on their fat parts at all or anything that might remind them of their fat. I met them outside the size acceptance community and they do struggle with their size, but I am sure that the lack of confidence is not the only issue. I imagine that not every fat person will enjoy belly rubs and the like, or even get turned on by it.

While it is difficult to ignore the soft, tempting lushness right in front of you during sex, I am usually able to not make it my focus and keep my thoughts to myself if it makes my partner uncomfortable. A couple of exes have told me that belly rubs did absolutely nothing for them, but they tolerated it anyway and that made me feel selfish and sad. If I had known that, I would probably have tried harder to suppress my desires.

BBWs/BHMs, how do you really feel about your partner paying attention to your fat, both in and out of bed?

FAs, how do you cope if your BBW/BHM does not understand your preference/fetish or enjoy them on the same level (eg. partner might like belly rubs casually but would rather you ignore her tummy completely in bed)?

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Old 04-18-2009, 06:33 PM   #2
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i can't put up with it. it goes with any other kind of negativity i can't tolerate in a relationship. i'm not crazy about my body but my existence isn't plagued by it; life has too many real problems for me to be constantly chipping away at someone's fears. i'd ask the same of any respectable potential girlfriend to not put up with a downer. i'm too impatient in my adult life to make any more conversions. if a fat friend was feeling down i'd link her to literature and other people though. and i'm certainly fine with reassuring people how beautiful they are and how society Doesn't Matter. but the endless loop of unhappy behaviors, not being able to call herself "fat" when she is, constantly pointing out parts of themselves they hate, not allowing the forbidden places to be touched or referred to, sex with the lights off...i'm out of that dreamworld now, why should i go back in? i didn't come out of the closet to assuage someone's self-pity.

i feel genuinely sorry for anyone haunted by these issues, especially so if they have real depression and disorders such as body dysmorphic. but it's not how i want to live life; the best i can do is direct them to someone who can help them better than i can.


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Old 04-18-2009, 08:22 PM   #3
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SSBBW married to FA.

I think that sometimes each person has to realize that they each might have a different perception of the action. A fat person who has spent a long time shaking their belly flab and thinking this is disgusting is going to have to be made aware of the FAs perception of the belly flab.

First the FA would have to state that they found the action of shaking the belly flab to be enjoyable. It may take more than one time for the fat person to get it. This is especially true if the fat person is nonFA. They have never looked at something fat and gotten enjoyment from it.

After a couple of times and a possible conversation, my advice to the fat person is, try it, you might like it. If not, and it doesn't hurt or make you feel horrible, why not do something that pleases your partner?

Even after 18 years and a very open relationship, I am still discovering things that might turn my husband on. Sometimes, I am just like, wow, cool. Or, let me think about that, ok sure. Or if I decide I am not into it, then sorry, not happening. But for me, there is SO much to be thankful for being with an FA who adores my fatness, I just can't imagine not living with someone who loves me mind, BODY and soul.
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Old 04-19-2009, 10:36 AM   #4
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Unfortunately, the question that this topic raises for me is, "Are there people who do get your 'fat fetish'?" I've dated a lot of heavy chicks and have never, ever met a woman who genuinely liked being fat.

Now, I realize there are women who love to gain weight, I'm not saying I don't think it exists. Just that it's super-surpassingly rare. I also believe there are women on this board and irl who are genuinely "ok" with it, although I also think most of them would opt to be 130 lbs if there a magic "thin" pill.

My current gf is the closest I've come to finding a woman who "gets it." I mean, she knows I like it and humors me, and she doesn't have any massive body image issues--no sex in the dark type hangups, which I've had plenty of experience with. She still doesn't like it, and wishes she was thinner. Honestly, I feel like that's about as close as any FA can reasonably hope to get to a partner "getting it."

It's depressing, but I just feel like by the time a fat woman makes it past adolescence, they've been bombarded with so much thin advertising/societal pressure/etc. that it's a little past the power of any FA to change their minds about.
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Old 04-19-2009, 10:57 AM   #5
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Now, I realize there are women who love to gain weight, I'm not saying I don't think it exists. Just that it's super-surpassingly rare. I also believe there are women on this board and irl who are genuinely "ok" with it, although I also think most of them would opt to be 130 lbs if there a magic "thin" pill.


It's depressing, but I just feel like by the time a fat woman makes it past adolescence, they've been bombarded with so much thin advertising/societal pressure/etc. that it's a little past the power of any FA to change their minds about.
The top paragraph is where I think you are wrong.There's too much involved in the person that I am because of being fat.I wouldn't wish it away for any magic pill.

The second paragraph is dead on but there is hope.Being with a great man and being supported here on Dims can really change your point of view.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:09 AM   #6
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The top paragraph is where I think you are wrong.There's too much involved in the person that I am because of being fat.I wouldn't wish it away for any magic pill.

The second paragraph is dead on but there is hope.Being with a great man and being supported here on Dims can really change your point of view.
That's great, and I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad to know that level of self-acceptance is out there. I do feel, from personal experience, that you're probably in a small minority in that regard.
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:13 PM   #7
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Cors, you know the thing is for quite a few of us fat chicks, we never think about our fat being erogenous zones, not necessarily because we are disgusted by it (I'm not), but because those non-traditional erogenous parts are just that - not ergenous zone parts. Seems odd to think about an arm as an erogenous zone.

That's how it was for me the first time I had a guy be intimate with my belly. It was strange and I was surprised, but I liked that he liked it. Fat frottage doesn't always do anything for me sexually, but I don't see that as a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to just do stuff for your partner (within reason), and fat frottage and such doesn't seem unreasonable to me, so it passes.

I would feel bad if I had a partner who liked it and felt bad about me not liking it. I don't think sexual chemistry means you have to like everything equally. I think it means you are attracted to each other and you pay attention to what your partner likes and you do that thing so long as it isn't a hard limit for you. That's just what I consider "taking care of business." Part of the pleasure of being with someone sexually is the feeling of satisfaction you get when you know you are doing something they like. So go with it. You shouldn't have to hold back that part of your sexuality. I think it sucks if you have to that.
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Old 04-20-2009, 04:16 AM   #8
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First, I should point out that I have moderately serious (in the sense that I can still leave the house, but feel like crap most of the time) body dysmorphic disorder.

That being said, if I am in a committed relationship, I put in a huge amount of effort to suppress my own self-loathing to please my partner (without TELLING him I'm doing so, as not to ruin his experience). If I get what I want in return, I feel satisfied - like everything was worth it.

So I feel that if a fat partner who, in the case of the men I've dated, doesn't actually suffer from any kind of serious psychological issue with his body is refusing me the small favour of touching his fat parts, then that relationship has to end. I refuse to give everything to someone who gives nothing.
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:01 PM   #9
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SSBBW in committed relationship with an FA here.

For me, coming to understand FAs' attraction to me has been intertwined with my coming to terms with myself as a sexual being. I have never been intimate with anyone who wasn't an FA, so I don't have the experience of someone avoiding my fat bits or wanting to have the lights off. I have always been a very tactile person, and to me skipping the fat bits during sex would be like giving someone a massage on only the right side of their back: the parts that get skipped feel even worse than if you'd never been touched at all, if only in comparison to the parts that did get touched.

Having said that, the same goes for skipping everything but the fat bits. I am not satisfied by a guy that is only interested in touching what gives him pleasure without regard for what will really turn me on. (To be less oblique: the clitoris. Find it, learn its mysterious ways, and return for visits frequently.)

But I like having the fat bits touched, too, especially if they are handled with gentle care. (Another tip: Refrain from the bruise-inducing grab unless you know he/she likes it on the rough side. Most fat people have not had pleasant experiences with pinchy calipers measuring how fat they are.) There are some areas that are more sensitive/pleasurable than others, but I never feel like I'm "tolerating" that touch. I get turned on when I see how unabashedly turned on my partner is by my fat bits. But I feel especially emotionally connected when his lust is not mingled with shame or guilt for liking my fat (and, similarly, when my lust is not mingled with shame about being fat or insecurity that I'm being treated as a sexual object). And emotional connection is when the real magic happens.
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:18 PM   #10
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Well, I don't consider it a fetish, so I'll argue slightly on the language.

But, I get it. I like it, and I've always enjoyed all parts of it since I've known it was possible. I like squashing, having ALL my parts touched (not just fat, as Carla mentioned - but fat is right up there and welcome and necessary).

I'm sorry for those of you who've been with partners who don't get it or barely tolerate it. I think that's a horrible way to have a relationship, even if other things are good - it's a huge disconnect. I've thoroughly enjoyed having that bond and understand with my partners, so I only wish you all that.


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I also believe there are women on this board and irl who are genuinely "ok" with it, although I also think most of them would opt to be 130 lbs if there a magic "thin" pill.
But not all of us would - that's what's important.
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:24 AM   #11
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Well, I come from a different set of circumstances... you see, my current BBW partner has never felt comfortable about her body, despite the extreme amount of times I tell her how much I love it. The hardest part is trying to convince someone over and over again that they are beautiful as they are, only to deny it and to try and cover it up instead of being proud of it. I just don't know how many more times I can try and express how I feel before I give up altogether... I've been thinking sometimes we may not be a match, and other times I just cave in and let her be miserable in her lack of self-confidence...
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Old 04-22-2009, 10:29 AM   #12
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the clitoris. Find it, learn its mysterious ways, and return for visits frequently.
This might be the best advice ever given on this website.
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Old 04-26-2009, 03:47 PM   #13
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I'm a BBW that doesn't get what an FA finds attractive about my fat, but I know he does find it attractive and I like that ALOT.

I've met guys that like my fat belly, but it's only been recently that I've been getting to know a man who really likes a fat belly and talks alot about belly rubs. At first I was like...ok...sounds nice, but no fireworks there. Then the more he said (and he wasn't pushing it, just talking about it every now and then) the more I thought about it and I found myself laying in bed unable to go to sleep the other night until 4am thinking about damn belly rubs. LOL It had me all worked up and wanting one.

I remember years ago talking to an FA online who LOVED back fat. I took a pic showing mine and asked if that was what he was talking about, he said yeah, along with alot of compliments and I found myself more accepting of that part of myself and even enjoying it.

I've found that someone who's positive about my body, my size and the amount of fat I have can have a very positive influence and they've helped me put aside some of the negative feedback I get from society in general about my body.

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Old 04-26-2009, 10:08 PM   #14
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I love to have my belly rubbed, played with etc. My wife seems to know this and doesn't mind doing it. But I also like to play with a little fat on my partner as well. My wife doesn't like to have her belly (she is all of 180 pounds) rubbed, squeezed etc. So on one hand, she is willing to do it to me to help me (And I think her) get off, but she doesn't like her own played with. Go figure...
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:59 AM   #15
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I have a little different perspective here because I'm BBW and FFA, so I do find the fat-love sexy. But I have had an experience much like you describe with a past boyfriend who had a foot fetish; he was WILD about my feet, but it just wasn't much of an erogenous zone for me. I just turned it into a power game - I'm a domme, so I'd have him worship my feet or use toe-sucking as a reward for good behavior. I was getting off on the power and worship, he was getting off on the feet... win/win!
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Old 04-27-2009, 05:02 PM   #16
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I have a little different perspective here because I'm BBW and FFA, so I do find the fat-love sexy. But I have had an experience much like you describe with a past boyfriend who had a foot fetish; he was WILD about my feet, but it just wasn't much of an erogenous zone for me. I just turned it into a power game - I'm a domme, so I'd have him worship my feet or use toe-sucking as a reward for good behavior. I was getting off on the power and worship, he was getting off on the feet... win/win!
I think that's what Tim Gunn would call "making it work", though he's probably not used it in that context before.
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Old 04-27-2009, 08:35 PM   #17
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I have never dated an FA but I think I would like having my fat parts touched and massaged. I don't see any problem with it.

Cors, I'd totally get tattoos just to be your boo.
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Old 04-27-2009, 08:55 PM   #18
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I don't expect a girl to always have 100% body confidence, naturally. And I will always be as indulgent of a partner as she is of me. I'm not obsessive about fat, and recognize that hearing me go on and on about her love handles isn't always at the top of the list of things she wants to talk about.

But if she "doesn't get" it and "complains about my sexual preference" then I am always quick to "dump her ass" and "date someone else."
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Old 05-02-2009, 04:58 PM   #19
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I dunno. I've never been able to fully relate to women who say things like "I wish he wouldn't obsess over my body/breasts/booms/fat/butt so much. There's more to me than just those things". By that I mean, if a woman wants to constantly ask me to pull my pants down so she can touch and kiss and worship my Johnson (or my arms or my legs, etc...), I thinking there's much worse things in life. I'm not being narcissistic (I'm actually quite down on my physical appearance), I just don't understand how one could get tired from being told some aspect of their body turns them on immensely.

Of course if you've got a boyfriend that's a rapid butt worshipper and you're trying your best to do the dishes...
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Old 05-02-2009, 08:44 PM   #20
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Way early on, as I discovered all the FA-ness and FA-connected things about myself, the ideal girl to find to find was a big round girl who just knew she was the cutest, most delicious goddess ever. The secret hope was that she either was into gaining or didn't mind too much if she happened to have gained weight.

But then I noticed how many FAs there were, and how few women there were into gaining, and how most women into gaining were not in my size range, and decided to just lop off that secret hope due to the odds being massively stacked against it. Save it for fantasy-in-my-head time.

But as for the original point of the thread...it's really a drag on things if your partner is completely not into what comes naturally to you. A fat woman who wants to be sexed like a thin woman has no business with an FA like me.
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Old 05-02-2009, 09:13 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by undrcovrbrothr View Post
Well, I come from a different set of circumstances... you see, my current BBW partner has never felt comfortable about her body, despite the extreme amount of times I tell her how much I love it. The hardest part is trying to convince someone over and over again that they are beautiful as they are, only to deny it and to try and cover it up instead of being proud of it. I just don't know how many more times I can try and express how I feel before I give up altogether... I've been thinking sometimes we may not be a match, and other times I just cave in and let her be miserable in her lack of self-confidence...
It is an incredible experience to be with a fat woman who adores her own body. No one can give another self-love.
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Old 05-02-2009, 11:07 PM   #22
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It feels weird to admit this, but here goes.

Without the "fat bits," I'd have absolutely no clue what to do with girls. For the longest time, and I mean well into my teens, I didn't even fantasize about sex. Only stuff to do with the fat-lovin'. I'm basically fucked if I'm being intimate with a girl who isn't into it.
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Old 05-02-2009, 11:12 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Mini View Post
It feels weird to admit this, but here goes.

Without the "fat bits," I'd have absolutely no clue what to do with girls. For the longest time, and I mean well into my teens, I didn't even fantasize about sex. Only stuff to do with the fat-lovin'. I'm basically fucked if I'm being intimate with a girl who isn't into it.
This. Very this.
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Old 05-02-2009, 11:38 PM   #24
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This. Very this.
It makes me sad that there are two of us out there.
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Old 05-04-2009, 08:19 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mini View Post
For the longest time, and I mean well into my teens, I didn't even fantasize about sex. Only stuff to do with the fat-lovin'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Orange Mage View Post
This. Very this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mini View Post
It makes me sad that there are two of us out there.
Three. At least with regards to this part:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mini View Post
For the longest time, and I mean well into my teens, I didn't even fantasize about sex. Only stuff to do with the fat-lovin'.
Then again, almost everything I knew about romance came from Archie Comics, so maybe it wasn't surprising I wasn't thinking about actual sex? When I started dating my wife I desperately went and bought a sex book, to study up on the stuff I was supposed to be focused on.

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