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Old 06-29-2009, 01:57 AM   #1
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Default Limitations vs your life.

Although I am a BBW, I'm also an FA and I'm posting this topic from the latter perspective.

There are a lot of things in life that big people can’t or won’t do. Some through actual physical limitations, and some through fear of said limitations. I know some fat people are really fit and active, but a lot of them aren’t.

So when you’re with a fat person how does their limitations affect your life? Do you still do the things you want to do but with other people? Or do you stay at home with your partner, looking after their needs and making sure they’re happy? Do you try and encourage your partner to try new things with you or do you just accept the fact that if you’re with a very big person there are certain aspects of life you have to miss out on?

Do you find that their limitations are your limitations too? How does this make you feel? Does it ever make you regret the fact that you’re attracted to big people? Or do you like the fact?

Many questions, some unwritten. Just opening up a dialogue really.
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Old 06-29-2009, 06:50 AM   #2
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Ooooo - Good topic! Really looking forward to seeing what the responses are going to be. I consider myself an FA and I'm a fattie too so I'm going to add my 2 cents, even though I don't think it will be totally the kind of response you're looking for.

I'm a bit of a thrill seeker. As long as it has nothing to do with heights or falling off of things I'm game. Two years ago three good friends and i, one of whom is about 5 kilos bigger than i am, went on an adventure holiday. It was all going well until we decided to take a guided walk through some caves in the area. The first hint that perhaps the caves wouldnt be a good idea for two girls our size was when we couldnt fit into the gear provided for the walk - we literally had to squeeze each other into it. Then we couldnt get into the van cos our limbs were pretty much bound up in these overalls and finally, getting out of the van was more a sort of painful roll onto the ground LOL! My friend expressed some concern at our difficulties but I told her not to worry - that if we were going to face any real difficulty our guide would say something to us. HA! Talk about famous last word

We entered the caves at about 18h00, it was pitch dark and we were only allowed candles. It was all good for about 10 minutes, even though we could'nt see a thing, but then steadily we noticed the cave was shrinking. The guide was also walking much faster than we could keep up. The cave walls tightened and tightened and finally my friend got stuck - very firmly stuck. We couldnt move her through the opening and she started to hyperventilate. Looking back on it now I can laugh but at the time we were all terrified. One of our skinnier friends who'd passed through before her with no difficulty had to run ahead to bring the guide back - he then informed us that the rest of the walk was going to be through passages smaller than the one she was currently trapped in but he wasnt sure how to find the entrance of the cave again from the point where we were at so we had to move on

A very sweet boy who was also on the tour, he couldnt have been more than 17, pulled out a bottle of water and pretty much poured it down her front and back to get the mud trapping her in place loose - then the same had to be done for me. That boy is really the only reason I didnt suffer a nervous break down in those caves. He pretty much led me out of there and helped us keep track of the unbelievably useless guide. The cave trips usually take an hour and a half. We finally got out of there 4 hours later.

I don't ever like to think that my size limits me in any way - and in most things it doesn't - but that situation taught me that while I may want to live a life of danger I need to make sure I ask questions before getting myself trapped in a situation like that again
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Old 06-29-2009, 11:21 AM   #3
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While I do prefer big men, and some of my boyfriends have been quite heavy, I've never been with a person who was big enough that he faced any serious physical limitations... so I've always been able to do everything I wanted to do with my significant other. This also might be because I am not a terribly active individual and so I'm not doing anything too demanding. I love to hike and walk dogs and attend concerts, and really those are the only things I do regularly.
My current boyfriend actually holds up better than I do while hiking, and he's a pretty big guy. He's the perfect example as to why the 'big people are less healthy than small people' assumption doesn't hold true... he encourages me to try the more challenging trails, and while I'm huffing and puffing and sliding down scary steep slopes on my butt, he's way ahead and having to stop to wait for me! I'd say he's in better shape than I am.
The only real limitation I've noticed with my current boyfriend is that shopping for clothing is not a casual affair for him like it is for me. I really enjoy shopping so I used to attempt to do this with him in the beginning of our relationship, but I realized that it can sometimes be frustrating or embarrassing for him because a lot of places don't carry adequate sizes for him, especially in jeans. I've just stopped asking him to do this with me altogether because it is clear that he hates it. I usually just pick things up for him if I happen to see that certain stores carry his size in things that he'd like, rather than asking him to come with me. It works out well for us!

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Old 06-29-2009, 01:25 PM   #4
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Oooopps

I was following some of the replies from other Plus Sized People.

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Old 06-29-2009, 01:33 PM   #5
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Great thread, Em!

I am fairly active but thankfully my main interests are mostly solo. I don't mind if my partner decides to join me in the gym but I will probably be too distracted to notice. I prefer to shop alone or online, which is good if my partner doesn't care or can't keep up. If I want company, I strongly prefer to bring friends who share my interests instead of someone who is just there for my sake. I do miss stuff like romantic long walks once in a while but on the whole, I don't feel like I am missing out especially when compared to how happy I am in the relationship.

I think I am actually far more understanding and forgiving about physical limitations. My ex was about 5'1", 330lbs and couldn't walk without serious knee pain. My current partner is very thin but is afflicted by severe BDD and crippling shyness. Both of them absolutely hate going out. Their issues are valid (though they are clearly different), but I get far more frustrated with my current partner. I get sad and feel that he could try harder but I can't imagine ever feeling that way about someone who is visibly suffering, let alone articulate that to her. Even if I end up with a BBW who doesn't have physical limitations but fear say, falling, I am still likely to be more sympathetic if only because I have seen how bad things can be.

I am quite torn about encouraging. I don't like being coaxed into trying something new , scary and depressing so I probably wouldn't do it. However, I was also told by a BBW I briefly dated that she actually wanted me to talk her into trying and by not doing so, I am excluding her from parts of my life and underestimating her ability. I guess I will bring it up once at the start of the relationship and drop it completely if she seems reluctant.
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Old 06-29-2009, 01:38 PM   #6
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This thread asks the question about FA perspectives on limitation arising from being with a BHM/BBW SO.

This isn't a thread for discussing one's limitations as a BHM or BBW.

Quote:
Originally Posted by William View Post
Hi

My body limitations are things like I no longer jump off a loading dock or something similar, because of my knee. but I can walk all day on it.

I also do not fit into small places

My personal limitations are than I prefer to stay clothed in public.


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Old 06-29-2009, 01:56 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Esther View Post
While I do prefer big men, and some of my boyfriends have been quite heavy, I've never been with a person who was big enough that he faced any serious physical limitations... so I've always been able to do everything I wanted to do with my significant other. This also might be because I am not a terribly active individual and so I'm not doing anything too demanding. I love to hike and walk dogs and attend concerts, and really those are the only things I do regularly.
My current boyfriend actually holds up better than I do while hiking, and he's a pretty big guy. He's the perfect example as to why the 'big people are less healthy than small people' assumption doesn't hold true... he encourages me to try the more challenging trails, and while I'm huffing and puffing and sliding down scary steep slopes on my butt, he's way ahead and having to stop to wait for me! I'd say he's in better shape than I am.
The only real limitation I've noticed with my current boyfriend is that shopping for clothing is not a casual affair for him like it is for me. I really enjoy shopping so I used to attempt to do this with him in the beginning of our relationship, but I realized that it can sometimes be frustrating or embarrassing for him because a lot of places don't carry adequate sizes for him, especially in jeans. I've just stopped asking him to do this with me altogether because it is clear that he hates it. I usually just pick things up for him if I happen to see that certain stores carry his size in things that he'd like, rather than asking him to come with me. It works out well for us!
Alright, this is the first part of my answer. Haha....this is exactly what I would have typed.

I'm not incredibly active in my free time (do a lot of gaming, and guys seem to love that), but the one limitation I do have is that I walk too fast. Everyone complains about this, though. Even very athletic friends.
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:07 PM   #8
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I think Cors hit a good point, that limitations due to size may be less than limitations for other reasons. My wife isn't that big by Dimensions standards, so her weight doesn't stop her from doing much, but she messed up her knees and ankles when she was a thin teen. That stops her from doing a fair number of activities that I enjoy (like down hill skiing and ice skating). There are also things that she has issues with for totally non-physical reasons. We don't go to theme parks because she doesn't like rides, although she could probably fit into at least the vast majority of them.

For me none of that is a particularly big issue. It has probably led my activities in one way rather than another--if I was with a skier, maybe I'd make downhill skiing a big part of my life rather than an occasional treat. So it probably does affect what I choose to do, but that is not a big deal.

Also, most couples that I know don't share all activities and preferences, and have to adapt to each other in the things they do share. My father is not nearly as competitive in bridge, after playing with my more social-player mother for decades, as he apparently was in his youth.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that adapting to each other is a normal part of a relationship, so I don't see that size-based limitations should be much different.
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Old 06-29-2009, 07:07 PM   #9
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I think it's really a matter of expectations and one's pace of life.

I've always felt that as long as two people have a similar pace of life and similar expectations, then whatever physical limitations there might be hardly matter at all. For example, while a fat person may not be able to bungee-jump or parachute, I am not able to do that either because I am much too afraid, and that is as solid a limitation as a physical one. Fortunately for me, I do not miss bungee-jumping and parachuting at all. So there is a big difference between WANTING to do something and not being abe to do it, and not caring at all whether one is able to do it or not.

Over the years I found that the few physical things I wanted to do that a fat partner was unable to do I simply did by myself. There really wasn't much that I felt I missed out on, if anything at all. There are so many new and interesting things and challenges when with a fat partner, I always felt very fulfilled finding new ways, making things possible, or, by far the most often, simply enjoy things we both like to do together.

So for me, this has never been much of an issue.
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Old 06-29-2009, 08:10 PM   #10
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it wouldn't be impossible, just extremely hard for me to imagine happiness with someone who was unable to or unhappy attending concerts semi-regularly. other than that, i'm pretty indoors and chill.
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Old 06-29-2009, 10:53 PM   #11
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i don't really like doing anything that you can be too fat for.
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Old 06-30-2009, 10:54 AM   #12
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i don't think my current girl would want to go rock climbing with me but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. in fact, i think it's pretty important that individuals do separate things in relationships.

also, i actually like the fact that BBWs aren't exactly built for speed. there's something luxurious about it.
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Old 06-30-2009, 02:03 PM   #13
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i don't think my current girl would want to go rock climbing with me but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. in fact, i think it's pretty important that individuals do separate things in relationships.

also, i actually like the fact that BBWs aren't exactly built for speed. there's something luxurious about it.
OMG I am totally using this in my sig. That is freaking great!
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Old 06-30-2009, 02:47 PM   #14
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I never liked the word 'limitation' it has such a negative conotation. To me it's all about "adaptation"...

For me to be lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with a SSBBW - I could care less if she could or couldn't do a marathon or not.

There's no limitations for me- just UNLIMITED JOY


This thread also made me think of this great quote by Bruce Lee

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"Having no way as way, having no limitation as limitation." - Bruce Lee

Source:
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Old 07-01-2009, 09:21 AM   #15
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i don't really like doing anything that you can be too fat for.
my ex is too fat to listen to good music
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Old 07-01-2009, 11:48 AM   #16
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I have never had too many issues with limitations, my bhm is very active, more so than I am so when we are out hiking or whatever he's usually ahead of me. The few things I'v noticed problems with is that he doesn't fit on roller coasters or most other rides, so I just go to amusement parks with friends. Also multiplayer games that involve a wii balance board he can't play and some of our friends don't realize that and try to get everyone to play which can get a little awkward.
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Old 07-01-2009, 02:30 PM   #17
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my ex is too fat to listen to good music
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Old 07-01-2009, 09:27 PM   #18
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my ex is too fat to listen to good music
Haaaaaahahahahah.
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Old 07-01-2009, 10:17 PM   #19
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It can get intimidating because my boyfriend will want to do very active things and I won't because I know I can't keep up. And it's tricky though, because I used to be able to when we first met- I used to be a big fitness fiend <<coughcough>>> Not only that, but I don't want to shop with him either because he gets so frustrated when things don't fit me... but that's just guys I guess... I need a FA lol
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Old 07-02-2009, 08:30 AM   #20
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Other than hiking and long walks in nature, I have not found anything that interests me that my lady has not been able to do with me. The greatest limitations that I've found big women to have are psycological or emotional and have to do with how they will feel that others percieve them in performing the activities. An example of this would be swimming in a public pool and being stared at and made fun of for being the fat girl in the bathing suit.

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Old 07-02-2009, 10:26 PM   #21
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What about the stuff that's not bike-riding/hiking activity, but maybe more pedestrian...going to shows and stuff. When seating is an issue. Not fitting in concert/movie theater seats, etc. Some venues/people...it's just not going to happen.

I know how it's gone for me, just curious how you handle it/would respond in this thread! Askin the FAs (of all types).
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Old 07-04-2009, 09:00 PM   #22
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Other than hiking and long walks in nature, I have not found anything that interests me that my lady has not been able to do with me. The greatest limitations that I've found big women to have are psycological or emotional and have to do with how they will feel that others percieve them in performing the activities. An example of this would be swimming in a public pool and being stared at and made fun of for being the fat girl in the bathing suit.

Rollhandler
I've run into this much more with my SO. It's the anticipation of feeling different or ashamed that really prevents him from doing things that I expect that most people to do. However, I'm positive that it's because he has BDD and some mild compulsions, i.e. to never sweat. He's had psychological issues with his body image that he's hidden for the last few years but has finally started opening up about. So I think we're on a good path for reconciling our expectations of each other as far as physical activities.

On the other hand, my best friend is significantly bigger and would probably have enough reason to limit her activities based on the pain it causes her. There's a 150 lb difference between us, but we can run up and down the same mountains at similar paces. She's never complained and it's a lot of fun. She is incredibly bad ass.

My conclusion is similar to most, that it really is expectations and paces of life that dictate compatibility in physical activity. Most importantly, there needs to be communication between everyone involved with consideration of each person's comfort. I'm never going to ask my boyfriend to go on a two-week backpacking trip with 80 pound packs going over treacherous terrain. I'm also never going to ask my friend to drive down to Denver with me to look at comics for 4 hours.
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Old 07-07-2009, 01:35 AM   #23
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Posting my question again:

What about the stuff that's not bike-riding/hiking activity, but maybe more pedestrian...going to shows and stuff. When seating is an issue. Not fitting in concert/movie theater seats, etc. Some venues/people...it's just not going to happen.

I know how it's gone for me, just curious how you handle it/would respond in this thread! Askin the FAs (of all types).
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:21 AM   #24
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Ok... I just removed about 30 off topic posts in this thread.

Please keep stuff on topic and remember to keep personal communications to PMs.

Just a reminder, this is an FA forum for FAs to discuss their responses to FA-initiated topics and questions. The testimony of BBWs about their own limitations are very valid as a main board topic (or on the forthcoming BBW board)... but not as an FA forum topic where the issues of FAs are paramount for discussion.

In keeping with the principles of the board, this thread asks a question to FAs, from an FA and the responses are primarily for the benefit of FAs.
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:34 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liz (di-va) View Post
What about the stuff that's not bike-riding/hiking activity, but maybe more pedestrian...going to shows and stuff. When seating is an issue. Not fitting in concert/movie theater seats, etc. Some venues/people...it's just not going to happen.

I know how it's gone for me, just curious how you handle it/would respond in this thread! Askin the FAs (of all types).
Quote:
Originally Posted by liz (di-va) View Post
Posting my question again:

What about the stuff that's not bike-riding/hiking activity, but maybe more pedestrian...going to shows and stuff. When seating is an issue. Not fitting in concert/movie theater seats, etc. Some venues/people...it's just not going to happen.

I know how it's gone for me, just curious how you handle it/would respond in this thread! Askin the FAs (of all types).
Good questions Liz..

However, the FA forum is not set up for BBWs to ask questions of FAs. This is a forum for FAs to foster communication or community between FAs themselves. I know that it might seem a bit harsh to be a stickler on this point but the FA-specific dynamic of the forum is important to maintain. Your questions are relevant and I'm not going to delete them but for future reference to you (and all non-FA posters), any externally (i.e. non-FA) initiated lines of questioning on the FA forum are likely to be removed.
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