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Old 07-07-2009, 08:19 PM   #1
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Default In Betweenies Unite!

Ever felt like you were too fat for the skinnies and too skinny for the fatties? Quite the conundrum, eh? Well let's discuss how we can learn to tune out those conflicting/maddening messages and be comfortable in our smaller or midsize bodies. How do you respond to hurtful comments from either side? And also, what do you think smaller and midsize women can do to strengthen relationships with other women (ssbbw, specifically)? What do you think we can work on? What do you think we can learn?

Come one, come all! I know other midsize sisters are in the lurk - don't be afraid...we don't bite. Much .
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Old 07-07-2009, 08:52 PM   #2
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I'll throw in my hat here.

At 275 lb (about my highest ever), I have to say that growing larger definitely has helped solidify my fat identity. When I was closer to 200, about 7 years ago, I think I always felt like there was a chance I would one day be "thin" again-- my lowest adult weight was 145, when I was 21 (and I really did look think then, compared to now... except that my butt was always broad and my boobs large.)

Nowadays I identify fully as fat. I haven't experienced much flack for "not being fat enough," though I know that some women have. Mostly I attritbute this to my not paying much attention at all to negative messages about my body, in my adult years. I let them slide off me now. I wish I'd had this ability when I was younger. The "you're too fat" comments certainly caused a world of angst for me in my teens.

I love being my size, I have to say. I think it's perfect for me. Only I need to get back to doing some yoga or something, for the sake of movement and flexibility.
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:03 PM   #3
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Old 07-07-2009, 09:09 PM   #4
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Great thread, Ashmamma! I hope to see it take off.

I am not a BBW but I feel caught between cultures. Too fat in Asia, too thin in the Western world but I usually have a fat identity because I spent most of my life feeling that way. I suck at dealing with mixed messages - I usually just end up deliberately gaining or losing weight when I have to travel. Not healthy and it doesn't even cushion the blow that much since I will always encounter people who think one way or the other. Not caring is the only way to go, but I am not there yet and admire those of you who are.

I think that bigger women in particular should not trivialise a smaller woman's experience, no matter how absurd it may seem unless you know the full story. Comparisons are not always useful as everyone is different. Some bigger women will feel insulted if a smaller woman insinuates that her experience is the same as what the bigger woman experiences, especially if the bigger woman did not share her experience at a similar size and smaller women could alleviate this by disclaiming that they are in no way implying that their experiences are the same.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:40 AM   #5
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I do feel inbetween here as well but I can deal with it.
I'm like Motel 6 more than some less than the others but I will leave the light on for you!!
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:41 AM   #6
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I'll have to think about this one and get back to you on it..I have been a skinny woman for awhile but I have also been a BBW for a while so I have been down both sides of this street..
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Old 07-08-2009, 02:10 AM   #7
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I'd definitely say I'm an inbetweeny. I'm 5'3 and about 220 and I have friends who are larger than me who always say... "You think that's fat! That's not fat! This is fat!" I have also had long talks with these friends to let them know... umm yea, what you just said - that can be a very invalidating statement. I suppose they're just lucky I'm so well adjusted.

But I do believe my experiences are that of a fat person, and you don't have to be a certain size to have had them. I have been shunned by my family, had judgments made about my character and been made to feel like I'm less of a person because of my fatness. I have longed for the days of just simply being overweight like I was in my late teens and early 20's. Oh to be 180 lbs again!

Wonderful topic!
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:04 AM   #8
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I confess to being massively confused. Firstly, how do you know what you are or where you fit? What is supersized? What is midsized? And why on earth is it felt that one fat experience is more intense or whatever than another fat experience. Don't we all have something to learn from each? What context's are we working from here? I know that in my country I am considered very fat but am i considered super sized on this site? Or am i midsized?
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:23 AM   #9
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I am confused too. I am just under 5" 1 and weigh 300. I get contradicting thoughts from both sides.
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:27 AM   #10
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I've ridden the cusp of super-sizedom. I've also worn size six.

Nowadays, some people tell me that I look "average." But honestly? You can't get a real sense of size with tall-person proportions going on. I may not have visible, pronounced bulges, but I still have 52+ inch hips, a chin-waddle, and chicken skin sag. I'm too heavy for the duty rating posted on my attic ladder, I can't shop in most straight-size stores, and occasionally my hips get caught in armed chairs.

I try to be honest about my size and weight so people can get a realistic sense of what 220-225 pounds and a size 18/20 butt can look like. Is it "fat"? Maybe not, strictly speaking. But it's not average, either. On one hand, the number nazis need to know that you can approach conventional beauty at big sizes and at weights that are traditionally considered extreme (people lie about size/weight all the time, which leads us to believe that we're fat mutants...when we're not). On the other hand, some people need to understand that just because someone doesn't look "fat" to them that they aren't immune to size constraints.
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:31 AM   #11
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I'm 5'7" 350.. clearly not midsize.. so I'm just going to post one thing and then I'll stay out of this thread. I just want to say that I think it's disgusting that anyone would try to invalidate someone's fat experience by saying they aren't fat enough. The last thing we need on this board or in this community is to tell another woman that she isn't fat enough. We hear enough bs about our bodies on a daily basis without having to invalidate each other here. That is all.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:56 AM   #12
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I would say I am between "in-between" and "supersize." I do not identify as supersize, and I don't think I actually am...I think there are limbo areas all over the weight spectrum. The Opression Olympics (I can't find the link I was initially looking for which was directly related to fats and fatter fats, but this'll do) can run rampant with women, sometimes with the larger discrediting the struggles of smaller women because it MUST be easier because they weigh less. We all have our own battles.

Frankly, sometimes the sexual ideals expressed within this community are really ace at making me feel inadequate. I honestly get the feeling that most just want a 500-pound hourglass- or pear-shaped woman (with a comparatively tiny stomach). Even though I am taken, it still affects me somehow.

At bashes, I have seen smaller women sneer at larger women, as well as larger women sneer at smaller women. I know I have said this before, but I think we're all in the same boat one way or another so we should try to strive for solidarity.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:01 PM   #13
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Frankly, sometimes the sexual ideals expressed within this community are really ace at making me feel inadequate. I honestly get the feeling that most just want a 500-pound hourglass- or pear-shaped woman (with a comparatively tiny stomach). Even though I am taken, it still affects me somehow.
I feel this way too! I'm in a committed relationship as well, and my s/o actually finds that body type extremely attractive; he likes the girls with the big booties, and I have no booty.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:19 PM   #14
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I would say I am between "in-between" and "supersize." I do not identify as supersize, and I don't think I actually am...I think there are limbo areas all over the weight spectrum. The Opression Olympics (I can't find the link I was initially looking for which was directly related to fats and fatter fats, but this'll do) can run rampant with women, sometimes with the larger discrediting the struggles of smaller women because it MUST be easier because they weigh less. We all have our own battles.

Frankly, sometimes the sexual ideals expressed within this community are really ace at making me feel inadequate. I honestly get the feeling that most just want a 500-pound hourglass- or pear-shaped woman (with a comparatively tiny stomach). Even though I am taken, it still affects me somehow.

At bashes, I have seen smaller women sneer at larger women, as well as larger women sneer at smaller women. I know I have said this before, but I think we're all in the same boat one way or another so we should try to strive for solidarity.
This is part of the reason why I made the thread. I get so tired of the "she's not even that big shit." It gets old, but what's even more maddening is that sometimes, frankly, I feel because I'm not supersize if I happen to feel a certain way about an issue, it's taken as callous simply because of who its coming from. I guess I'm wondering - where is the love? Where is the spirit of sisterhood? We all have issues and to assume smaller/midsize bbws don't have them is far, FAR off.

ps - I have heard from other women that pear and hourglass women have it "easier" in terms of feeling desirable by FA's or whatever. Maybe I just think all women are beautiful in their own way (pear, apple, hourglass, square, hexagon, and other silliness) - there are women on this board and the world over with flat asses and big tummies that are in relationships (committed, married, etc). Maybe I see things differently because I'm an hourglass shape so I don't feel put out about that, however I do know how it feels to be put out about "not being big enough".
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:23 PM   #15
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This is part of the reason why I made the thread. I get so tired of the "she's not even that big shit. It gets old, but what's even more maddening is that sometimes, frankly, I feel because I'm not supersize if I happen to feel a certain way about an issue, it's taken as callous simply because of who its coming from.

ps - I have heard from other women that pear and hourglass women have it "easier" in terms of feeling desirable by FA's or whatever. Maybe I just don't see how other shapes aren't beautiful - there are women on this board and the world over with flat asses and big tummies that are in relationships (committed, married, etc). Maybe I see things differently because I'm an hourglass shape so I don't feel put out about that, however I do know how it feels to be put out about "not being big enough".
I witnessed some women in the mid-to-high 300s sneer openly and jeer at a very wide-hipped, 400+ woman at a bash once. It was maddening. I think, regardless of weight ("Why is SHE here? She's barely a size 20" to "HOW DID SHE GET OUT OF HER HOUSE?") is sickening and idiotic. We are all in this together!

Regarding body shape, I'm actually sort of hourglass. I have a big stomach, but I'm not an apple. It still offends me. I think it's the overall objectification I'm seeing that does it. I don't fault anyone for having a shape preference (me, I like 'em all ), but it's how it's expressed more often than not.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:35 PM   #16
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I just wonder why there is so much upset and anger between the groups of fat women? And if it can be reconciled, what steps do we need to take to work towards that? Let's call a truce! Or is that wishful thinking?

I'm not naive; I know ALL women can be catty. Smaller bbws do it to ssbbws and ssbbws dish out the same to smaller bbws, but it just seems counterproductive to the cause (of fat girl sisterhood).
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:38 PM   #17
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I just wonder why there is so much upset and anger between the groups of fat women? And if it can be reconciled, what steps do we need to take to work towards that? Let's call a truce! Or is that wishful thinking?

I'm not naive; I know ALL women can be catty. Smaller bbws do it to ssbbws and ssbbws dish out the same to smaller bbws, but it just seems counterproductive to the cause (of fat girl sisterhood).
I think the problem is that there just really isn't a fat girl sisterhood. Not on any large scale at least.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:20 PM   #18
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Frankly, sometimes the sexual ideals expressed within this community are really ace at making me feel inadequate. I honestly get the feeling that most just want a 500-pound hourglass- or pear-shaped woman (with a comparatively tiny stomach). Even though I am taken, it still affects me somehow.
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I feel this way too! I'm in a committed relationship as well, and my s/o actually finds that body type extremely attractive; he likes the girls with the big booties, and I have no booty.
I feel this way, too. You come to the place where "big is beautiful" except if you're not XYZ big, not a certain shape or gain weight exactly where someone demands it, it's quite hurtful. If you cannot get support here- then it's probably never coming. Period.
It's depressing to read things written by men "celebrating" women of a different shape- saying things like "pear shaped women are the REAL women of the world", a thread with a guy saying that apple shaped women cannot conceive and bear children like pear shaped women (it's utter bullshit- my hips are plenty wide and I have twins- I just don't gain weight in my lower ass as quickly as my gut).
I see people here acting like kids in the candy shop- and they seem to so easily discard that which they don't find to be eye candy as trash. No sensitivity or concern- as if we are not worth the trouble of polite decency.


Reading such things and picking up such messages, not only here but other places on the net, makes me wish to be thin. I don't feel embraced but rather devalued......I have some hope of having my shape/size appreciated at a lower weight.

A great irony is that the men from my past two sexual relationships always told me how much they love "my big ass". My ass is obviously big enough for men that like thinner women but also bigger ladies. I never get that here.....never in the place where big, but only in certain places, is beautiful.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:29 PM   #19
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I feel that way here too, GEF. Being apple shaped is not valued as highly as pear shaped. I don't post many pictures for that reason plus I'm married but it is a real kick to your self esteem. Especially in a size acceptance community.

Even if I were to lose weight, I'm still going to have the same body shape, no hips or bottom.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:36 PM   #20
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I feel that way here too, GEF. Being apple shaped is not valued as highly as pear shaped. I don't post many pictures for that reason plus I'm married but it is a real kick to your self esteem. Especially in a size acceptance community.

Even if I were to lose weight, I'm still going to have the same body shape, no hips or bottom.

Yeah but most of the world "accepts" you more readily at a smaller size.

I have a nice shape....at a smaller size. I gain weight and I become more belly.

I have struggled a long time now not to hate my stomach. A lot of people out in the world hate it....and I come here and it's not so great either.


I feel badly about myself out in the world- I feel badly here. Adapting to the world is a much more possible endeavor than changing my shape.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:51 PM   #21
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I hate that anyone is made to feel 'less than' or 'not enough'. I say we are all sisters, we are all women, we are all fat. Can't we all just get along? I know I'm a lot heavier now than when I was younger but did I feel any less fat then? Heck no. There are times when I was thinner that I 'felt' even fatter than I do now. (If that makes any sense) Why any person who has been excluded or picked on, etc. because of their fat would do the same to another person is beyond me.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:52 PM   #22
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I'm beginning to realize that everybody gets the shaft in one way or another. It's part of being a girl in the world.

I often think about getting my gut-blob lipoed to accentuate my pearness. That's kind of fucked up in an ironic sort of way, but hey - just goes to show that BDD isn't just a thinnabe problem and "size acceptance" is oftentimes a cover for garden-variety misogynistic control impulses.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:54 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by JerseyGirl07093 View Post
There are times when I was thinner that I 'felt' even fatter than I do now. (If that makes any sense)
Makes perfect sense. Been there, done that, bought the size-medium tshirt. To a very great extent, "fat" - for better or worse - is often a state of mind.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:57 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl07093 View Post
I hate that anyone is made to feel 'less than' or 'not enough'. I say we are all sisters, we are all women, we are all fat. Can't we all just get along? I know I'm a lot heavier now than when I was younger but did I feel any less fat then? Heck no. There are times when I was thinner that I 'felt' even fatter than I do now. (If that makes any sense) Why any person who has been excluded or picked on, etc. because of their fat would do the same to another person is beyond me.
Yes it makes sense- I am more accepting/loving of myself now so I don't hate on my figure like I used to do in the past. I'm thinking this is what you mean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tania View Post
I'm beginning to realize that everybody gets the shaft in one way or another. It's part of being a girl in the world.

I often think about getting my gut-blob lipoed to accentuate my pearness. That's kind of fucked up in an ironic sort of way, but hey - just goes to show that BDD isn't just a thinnabe problem and "size acceptance" is oftentimes a cover for garden-variety misogynistic control impulses.
I approve this post- we've all felt the big head-f*ck and pressure to meet the ideals of others. Breaking free when all you want is some understanding and a little love is the hard part.
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:02 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by JerseyGirl07093 View Post
There are times when I was thinner that I 'felt' even fatter than I do now. (If that makes any sense)
This makes absolute sense to me. I've experienced it. I felt worse about my body when I was 20 lb over what I was told was the ideal than I do now at over 100 lb over.

This points to the fact that what we know as "fat" in the popular imagination has little to do with actual fat. "Fat" is a concept that's been made monstrous and used to keep us in line. This explains why women with "5 lbs to lose" can have insanely distorted body images.

If "fat" is a state of mind that has little to do with real fat as we know and experience it, what's to prevent us from resisting the messages out there and creating our own internal acceptance?

Easier said than done, especially in a world where rejection hurts and where we are told we will always be alone if we don't comply with acceptable body measuring standards.
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