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Old 07-09-2009, 04:29 PM   #1
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Default Questioning and Asexuality

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, or if there is a right place for that matter, but I'm curious how many have wondered where their sexuality lies, only to feel/come to the conclusion that you might actually fall somewhere in the middle - not bi-sexual or any permutation thereof, but more asexual, where all aspects of physicality are easily overtaken or put in a subjugate position to personality and the strength of the connection at hand?

This was largely inspired by Superodalisque's thread about the FA Sexual Cover-up, but also due to some lingering questions I have had in regards to my own sexual nature for some time - namely that I truly don't feel an intense pull one way or another to sex. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am only interested in women, but even with that I still don't often feel the intrinsic "need" for sex, sexuality, or even a deeper knowledge thereof. There just isn't a pull for it in the traditional sense, to be perfectly blunt.

I certainly don't hate sex, that's for sure, but I don't feel as if I absolutely need it either - I know many people would hear that and think I am headed for unhealthy relationships, but is that the case? Has anyone had any sort of experience with a definitive lack of sex drive, or where a sex drive is so very tied to the situation/individual at hand that things need to feel "perfect" before anything can come from it?

Very curious to hear any responses from this.

Cheers.


PS: Woo hoo! Finally hit 500 posts!
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Old 07-09-2009, 05:14 PM   #2
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I started a thread awhile ago here.

My partner is asexual. I am a sexual person, but I don't need sex in a relationship (prefer option to sleep with others though). Before I am aware of my FA and kinky tendencies, I questioned why I didn't really enjoy sex with thin and/or vanilla partners. I love focusing on and pleasuring the other person but have never liked reciprocal attention. Nothing to do with my partners being terrible, it just doesn't seem to be my thing. I also often get more of a kick from BDSM than intercourse.

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Old 07-11-2009, 12:56 AM   #3
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I started a thread awhile ago here.

My partner is asexual. I am a sexual person, but I don't need sex in a relationship (prefer option to sleep with others though). Before I am aware of my FA and kinky tendencies, I questioned why I didn't really enjoy sex with thin and/or vanilla partners. I love focusing on and pleasuring the other person but have never liked reciprocal attention. Nothing to do with my partners being terrible, it just doesn't seem to be my thing. I also often get more of a kick from BDSM than intercourse.
Many thanks, Cors - jut glancing at it, the thread is already useful.

Cheers.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:23 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Edens_heel View Post
Not sure if this is the right place to post this, or if there is a right place for that matter, but I'm curious how many have wondered where their sexuality lies, only to feel/come to the conclusion that you might actually fall somewhere in the middle - not bi-sexual or any permutation thereof, but more asexual, where all aspects of physicality are easily overtaken or put in a subjugate position to personality and the strength of the connection at hand?

This was largely inspired by Superodalisque's thread about the FA Sexual Cover-up, but also due to some lingering questions I have had in regards to my own sexual nature for some time - namely that I truly don't feel an intense pull one way or another to sex. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am only interested in women, but even with that I still don't often feel the intrinsic "need" for sex, sexuality, or even a deeper knowledge thereof. There just isn't a pull for it in the traditional sense, to be perfectly blunt.

I certainly don't hate sex, that's for sure, but I don't feel as if I absolutely need it either - I know many people would hear that and think I am headed for unhealthy relationships, but is that the case? Has anyone had any sort of experience with a definitive lack of sex drive, or where a sex drive is so very tied to the situation/individual at hand that things need to feel "perfect" before anything can come from it?

Very curious to hear any responses from this.

Cheers.


PS: Woo hoo! Finally hit 500 posts!
I don't think you are headed for unhealthy relationships. The only way I can see you having issues with a lack of sex drive is if you fall in love with someone and have a relationship where your partner has a much higher sex drive than you and if they value frequent sex as an importnat part of your relationship. If you meet someone simmilar to yourself then there is nothing wrong with that. People can have tenderness and intimacy in a loving relationship without sex. Personally I think people often place too much importance on sex and get worried if they think they are not doing it enough or that there is something wrong with them if they dont have a high libido.

I have experienced different scenarios with different past partners. I had an ex who had a much higher sex drive than me and I found it exhausting and eventually turned me off all together. I couldn't even kiss this particular ex boyfriend without him thinking that I wanted it to lead to full sex. It ended up that there was a total feeling of lack of intimacy because I was afraid to kiss and cuddle him and as a result did not feel close to him.

I then had an ex who had a lower sex drive than me, and again this was a guy who thought if I wanted to kiss and cuddle and snuggle up that I wanted sex. He would only behave in an intimate manner if he wanted sex and this left a feeling of a lack of intimacy.

In my current relationship we do not always have the same sex drive (although on the whole we are a good match). The difference is if I don't feel particularly sexual or Mer doesn't feel sexual, we maitain a level of closeness and intimacy in our relationship by being loving, kissing, cuddling and generally being affectionate with each other. This is better than sex, it's a feeling of closessness and being connected and loved.

For me I need to have an emotional connection for the sexual drive to rise within me. Maybe I am not the norm but I am lucky enough to have found a partner who gets me and makes no demands and vice versa.

I don't know if my experience is relevant to you in any way. I think Cors is a good person for you to chat to as she has more real experience being in a relationship with an asexual.
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Old 07-20-2009, 02:26 PM   #5
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I have experienced different scenarios with different past partners. I had an ex who had a much higher sex drive than me and I found it exhausting and eventually turned me off all together. I couldn't even kiss this particular ex boyfriend without him thinking that I wanted it to lead to full sex. It ended up that there was a total feeling of lack of intimacy because I was afraid to kiss and cuddle him and as a result did not feel close to him.
i have been in this situation too many times. in fact, it's one of the things that caused my last relationship to come to a recent end.

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People can have tenderness and intimacy in a loving relationship without sex.
unfortunately, i've yet to meet a girl who believes this.

i don't know if i am asexual or not, as i do have something which vaguely resembles a sexual appetite -- it's just not always active. i mean, i like sexual activities with someone i love, and i do masturbate frequently, but i don't (always) enjoy sexual intercourse. there is a reason for this.
my first relationship at age 18 saw me with a girl who repeatedly abused me sexually. (i will NOT go into further detail, so please do not ask.) it very much skewed and destroyed sex for me, and what it means.
since her, i've had a few partners (or potential partners) who, of course, wanted to be sexual with me. but when i shyed away from such acts, i was met with requests to "get over it," ultimatums (i.e. "you must not love me" or "if we can't have sex, i will have to walk out on you"), or attempts to get me to discuss my first relationship, which is not exactly something i relish doing (i have had panic attacks in the past when discussing this).

trying to come to terms with my sexuality (or lack thereof) is hard enough, but when i couple that with the notion that i've yet to meet a girl who can potentially understand where i am coming from on the subect, rather than push me for "sex sex sex" when i am not ready, i find myself asking the (admittedly) melodramatic question: "will i die alone?"
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:49 PM   #6
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i have been in this situation too many times. in fact, it's one of the things that caused my last relationship to come to a recent end.


unfortunately, i've yet to meet a girl who believes this.

i don't know if i am asexual or not, as i do have something which vaguely resembles a sexual appetite -- it's just not always active. i mean, i like sexual activities with someone i love, and i do masturbate frequently, but i don't (always) enjoy sexual intercourse. there is a reason for this.
my first relationship at age 18 saw me with a girl who repeatedly abused me sexually. (i will NOT go into further detail, so please do not ask.) it very much skewed and destroyed sex for me, and what it means.
since her, i've had a few partners (or potential partners) who, of course, wanted to be sexual with me. but when i shyed away from such acts, i was met with requests to "get over it," ultimatums (i.e. "you must not love me" or "if we can't have sex, i will have to walk out on you"), or attempts to get me to discuss my first relationship, which is not exactly something i relish doing (i have had panic attacks in the past when discussing this).

trying to come to terms with my sexuality (or lack thereof) is hard enough, but when i couple that with the notion that i've yet to meet a girl who can potentially understand where i am coming from on the subect, rather than push me for "sex sex sex" when i am not ready, i find myself asking the (admittedly) melodramatic question: "will i die alone?"
Hi there,

I have been thinking about your post and I don't think you are A sexual. I think you have just had such an awful experience that it has emotionally scarred you and ruined your sex life. I have a friend (she was actually an old colleague of mine) who disclosed a very personal story to me one evening we were working together. She was having probelms in her marriage with her husband because he had a much higher sex drive than her and he was becoming frustrated with her refusing his advances.

I asked her if she wanted to talk to me saying a problem shared etc... anyway she told me that she didn't enjoy sex at all and every time she has had sex with her husband she has felt uncomfortable and it was something she just did and got over with it to satisfy him by pretending she was into it. She told me when she was a girl around 12 or 13 years she was having a sleep over at her friends house when she woke up in the middle of the night with her friends dad sexually abusing her. He was on top of her and was penetrating her. She woke up with the pain in her vagina. She ran out of the house in the middle of the night in her night gown and home to her parents. Her dad saw her with blood on the front of her nightdress and when she told him what happened he went to the girls house and beat her friends father up. It was all a mess and handled very badly by my friends parents. On so many levels the handling of the abuse screwed her up just as much as the abuse itself.

Any way, after this she never had sex again until she married her husband. She thought she was over it because she fancied him and felt sexually aroused when he flirted with her, kissed her and touched her breasts. He knew she was shy and thought she was saving herself for marriage. She thought that when she had sex with him she would be able to enjoy it and put the past behind her. She couldn't and had never really faced up to how she had been devastated by this until her marriage was deteriorating.

This coupled with the fact that my friends parents never reported the man, he was never punished by law, he was beaten by her father and then it was never spoken of again by anyone. Her parents swept it under the carpet and told her 'you don't speak of these things'. She was never told that it wasn't her fault or 'that man was bad' NOTHING!

I totally believe that when you meet the right person with whom you develop trust and intimacy you will get over your sexual problems. You need to feel complete trust and security in your relationship first. The women you have experienced up until now have not been very understanding and that is their loss. It's totally psychological because of what happened to you. If you meet someone you really trust and desire then you will decide whether it is right to talk about your past with them. If my girlfriend told me she had a bad experience that affected her but she didn't want to talk about it. I would respect that and not push her. Although I might worry that something I did not know I might do or say that would remind her of what happened. For example, if someone had grabbed her by the throat and then I put my hand around her neck as a joke. I'm using this as an example because Mergirl has a fear of choking and I did this to her once and she cried because she got a fright. I ended up feeling really bad. I think if she had warned me that this was something she didn't like then it would never have happened, but then how was she to know that I'd do such a thing.

You know there could be things that happened to you like name calling for example, then a partner your with might use a name in a teasing way or as a joke and you could have hurtful memories turn you off or make you feel withdrawn. If you establish a set of likes and dislikes at the start of a relationship then these things would be less likely to occur.

I don't think you will end up alone. You sound very sensitive and caring and I'm sure you'll meet someone who's right for you. Besides your very cute
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Old 08-05-2009, 08:04 AM   #7
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After reading through the last few posts, I am starting to wonder if I am becoming asexual again. The last time I felt this way was in February this year, when I decided to call off my monthly get-together with my FB. I didn't think I needed sex anymore, and it was beginning to bore me. And while I used to enjoy being a voyeur, I've found that I am very much desensitized to any form of sexual behaviour (e.g. porn) and almost nothing interests me anymore. Yes I can talk for hours about what I'd like to do but when push comes to shove, I quickly lose interest.

I am back with my FB again for our monthly rendezvous, but I always feel like there's something missing and I'm starting to become very mechanical towards her.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:57 AM   #8
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After reading through the last few posts, I am starting to wonder if I am becoming asexual again. The last time I felt this way was in February this year, when I decided to call off my monthly get-together with my FB. I didn't think I needed sex anymore, and it was beginning to bore me. And while I used to enjoy being a voyeur, I've found that I am very much desensitized to any form of sexual behaviour (e.g. porn) and almost nothing interests me anymore. Yes I can talk for hours about what I'd like to do but when push comes to shove, I quickly lose interest.

I am back with my FB again for our monthly rendezvous, but I always feel like there's something missing and I'm starting to become very mechanical towards her.
OK so just an update, but apparently my sex drive is back again

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Old 08-08-2009, 06:16 AM   #9
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WOOT! Go Angel Apparently push came to shove then, eh?
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Old 08-08-2009, 09:25 AM   #10
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WOOT! Go Angel Apparently push came to shove then, eh?
Ahahah yeah...she shoved me by withholding sex...and making me as horny as hell!!
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Old 09-25-2009, 01:47 AM   #11
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Not sure if this is the right place to post this, or if there is a right place for that matter, but I'm curious how many have wondered where their sexuality lies, only to feel/come to the conclusion that you might actually fall somewhere in the middle - not bi-sexual or any permutation thereof, but more asexual, where all aspects of physicality are easily overtaken or put in a subjugate position to personality and the strength of the connection at hand?

This was largely inspired by Superodalisque's thread about the FA Sexual Cover-up, but also due to some lingering questions I have had in regards to my own sexual nature for some time - namely that I truly don't feel an intense pull one way or another to sex. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am only interested in women, but even with that I still don't often feel the intrinsic "need" for sex, sexuality, or even a deeper knowledge thereof. There just isn't a pull for it in the traditional sense, to be perfectly blunt.

I certainly don't hate sex, that's for sure, but I don't feel as if I absolutely need it either - I know many people would hear that and think I am headed for unhealthy relationships, but is that the case? Has anyone had any sort of experience with a definitive lack of sex drive, or where a sex drive is so very tied to the situation/individual at hand that things need to feel "perfect" before anything can come from it?
Yep. I would consider myself somewhat asexual (I don't think it's an all-or-nothing orientation, but more of a spectrum, much like preference for one gender over another). Specifically, I enjoy being in relationships in the sense of getting to know the other person, cuddling, etc., but prefer to avoid the sex part. Unfortunately, I haven't found many like-minded people thus far in my attempts at dating - I usually just end up becoming friends with potential significant others rather than staying in a relationship.

Quote:
or where a sex drive is so very tied to the situation/individual at hand that things need to feel "perfect" before anything can come from it?
This sounds a bit like what I've heard described as "demisexuality": http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index...=Demisexuality. Basically, this means sexual attraction to another person that's based on emotional connection rather than physical attraction.

Anyway, hope this helps!
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Old 09-26-2009, 04:22 AM   #12
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This sounds a bit like what I've heard described as "demisexuality": http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index...=Demisexuality. Basically, this means sexual attraction to another person that's based on emotional connection rather than physical attraction.
Helpful link - is giving me more insight into my current situation.

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WOOT! Go Angel Apparently push came to shove then, eh?
Well the push came to shove and now it's back to pushing again. But now I've gotten to a stage where I am completely disinterested to the point of sometimes being biting towards her.
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Old 09-26-2009, 08:09 AM   #13
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Wow I haven't seen this thread for a while. Such sweet and thoughtful posts by GD! You're missed!

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Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
i don't know if i am asexual or not, as i do have something which vaguely resembles a sexual appetite -- it's just not always active. i mean, i like sexual activities with someone i love, and i do masturbate frequently, but i don't (always) enjoy sexual intercourse. there is a reason for this.
my first relationship at age 18 saw me with a girl who repeatedly abused me sexually. (i will NOT go into further detail, so please do not ask.) it very much skewed and destroyed sex for me, and what it means.
since her, i've had a few partners (or potential partners) who, of course, wanted to be sexual with me. but when i shyed away from such acts, i was met with requests to "get over it," ultimatums (i.e. "you must not love me" or "if we can't have sex, i will have to walk out on you"), or attempts to get me to discuss my first relationship, which is not exactly something i relish doing (i have had panic attacks in the past when discussing this).

trying to come to terms with my sexuality (or lack thereof) is hard enough, but when i couple that with the notion that i've yet to meet a girl who can potentially understand where i am coming from on the subect, rather than push me for "sex sex sex" when i am not ready, i find myself asking the (admittedly) melodramatic question: "will i die alone?"
You could simply be less sexual than most people to begin with, but given your experiences it sounds like you might still have some form of post traumatic stress disorder. You should consider seeing a psychologist about this, especially if it still affects your relationships. It is easy to condemn the girls you date for not being understanding, but remember that it is not something that most people know how to deal with. A series of bad assaults and abusive exes left me quite dead sexually and made me hostile towards most advances, and I never had any luck with relationships (my last ex deserves credit for trying though) until I found someone who is completely asexual. Even then, it took a while for him to figure out that if I suddenly reject cuddling, it has nothing to do with him. I found this book helpful, and you might want to check it out even though it is targeted at female incest survivors.

And oh, many self-identified asexual or demisexual people do masturbate, though they have little desire to have actual intercourse.

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Yep. I would consider myself somewhat asexual (I don't think it's an all-or-nothing orientation, but more of a spectrum, much like preference for one gender over another). Specifically, I enjoy being in relationships in the sense of getting to know the other person, cuddling, etc., but prefer to avoid the sex part. Unfortunately, I haven't found many like-minded people thus far in my attempts at dating - I usually just end up becoming friends with potential significant others rather than staying in a relationship.

This sounds a bit like what I've heard described as "demisexuality": http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index...=Demisexuality. Basically, this means sexual attraction to another person that's based on emotional connection rather than physical attraction.

Anyway, hope this helps!
Superherogirl, yay for delurking! Hope to see more of you here! I see asexuality as a spectrum too. I don't think I fit in anywhere because while I drool at women a whole lot, especially here. I also enjoy, and usually get turned on from dominating them and pleasuring them. However, I have never like reciprocal attention down there at all - it is probably just part experience, part sexuality.

My partner is just completely asexual - doesn't masturbate, hates the idea of it and intercourse, even in the context of a loving relationship. He has said that he might consider trying intercourse if I really, really, really want him to but there is really no point since we are not sexually interested in each other at all. However, he does have some kind of an aesthetic but asexual preference for curvy femmes - kind of like how a gay man appreciates a woman I guess. That took me a while to understand.

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Well the push came to shove and now it's back to pushing again. But now I've gotten to a stage where I am completely disinterested to the point of sometimes being biting towards her.
That always happens when someone gets clingy! The whole push-and-pull thing... You need more FBs!
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Old 09-26-2009, 04:16 PM   #14
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As Cors said, this may just be a part of the sexuality spectrum. It's really not a whole lot different from food.....there are foodies who will spend a fortune on high quality olive oil or drive miles to buy a certain product, and some individuals who could eat Taco Bell every day, or not remember to eat at all until they get hungry.

On the other hand, it could be that certain events or encounters affect sexuality. Could mean abuse, could be baggage from old relationships or baggage from family of origin. I think it's fine to just accept yourself for what you are and what your needs are. I've known a few total asexuals.....why they were that way is their business, not mine. I don't consider asexuality to be any more abnormal than somebody who does not care about food or music or art---once again, just a certain place on the spectrum.
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Old 09-29-2009, 06:50 AM   #15
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I think another aspect of this is just good ol' timing.

I know my sexuality has morphed and changed over the years. Some of it has to do with the other things that are going on in life (ie: when my partner & I had our daughter, and neither of us got more than 3 or 4 hrs of sleep a night, we became non-sexual!).

It's changed with my size, too. I was interested in different things at 160 lbs than I am at 300 lbs - but that might not be fair, it may have been due to age as well. At 36 I'm quite different than I was at 22.

I wouldn't get too hung up on what the label is, as LoveBHMS suggested, events can influence sexuality. In the few serious relationships I've had, my partners have had an influence on my sexuality, primarily by how comfortable they made me feel with myself at the time.

Brenda
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