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Old 07-17-2009, 07:34 AM   #1
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Default I recently had a conversation with a bbw that shocked me.

I work with a couple of midsized but well rounded BBWs and recently had a conversation with one that caused me more than just pause for thought.

The history of this began on my second week of work in a factory when we were assigned positions on the line that were close enough to allow conversation. I sport sleeveless shirts at work due to the oven that I work close to and the heat it generates which also allows my fat angel and demoness tattoos to be displayed. This always seems to get the question about why the images portrayed in my tattoos are fat. The conversation for the remainder of the shift revolved around her relationship with her husband and my adoration of the larger form.

I understand that in some cases big women dont know of the existance of FAs so she questioned me thoroughly about my preference and related how her husband had mentioned at various points that he wasn't interested in smaller women. She totally believes this to be a lie on his part and patronizing her as his parner. To quote her "I wont believe he only likes fat girls until we break up and I see who he dates next."

She had mentioned also that she had never met anyone other than myself that would proudly proclaim this preference and admit it publiclly.
The part that this thread is about happened just this last week after working in this place for nearly a month. I work with a steady rotation of temp labor and this week we had another BBW start working which is in and of itself not unusual, but the conversation that occured on break floored me.

The woman that I had the conversation with and the new girl were sitting in a small group in the break area. I was also there eating my lunch listening as these two women were discussing their job assignments and gossiping about personnel. The woman I had worked with already pointed out my tattoos and mentioned as well that "he doesn't like skinny girls" referencing the conversation I had with her a couple of weeks previous. She then said "I know that I am fat but I think that is disgusting."
She wasn't refering to my tattoos but my preference toward women of size.
She finds it disgusting that a man would find a fat girl attractive and desire the very body she possess. This started a train of thought and questions in my mind about how she views herself and her relationship with her husband who after conversing about FAs with her is obviously one and is not ashamed to admit his preference when asked about it. She seems fully aware of her attractiveness as a WOMAN but believes that any man who would be attracted to her BODY is disgusting.

As BBWs do any of you also share this view? Or have you encountered other BBWs that share this view? This is the first time I've ever encountered this way of thinking and wonder how common it is. I also wonder if I am the only FA who has encountered BBW women who believe this way about themselves and the ones who find them attractive. That the guy they are with simply settled for the fat girl, but couldn't possibly desire them as being fat or that their partner is disgusting in his preference if it is known to be such.

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Old 07-17-2009, 08:05 AM   #2
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God, that is sad, but it doesn't surprise me at all. When you think of how many fat women are *not* happy with, and frequently hate their bodies, it makes sense, in a very sobering way. Think about it - if a fat woman looks in the mirror and is displeased or even disgusted with her body, it would be very difficult for her to understand how a man could possibly find that same body attractive and appealing. Everything she reads/sees/hears tell her her body is unacceptable; so if she buys into that junk, then it follows that a man who is attracted to her "unacceptable" body must have something wrong with him.

You hear stories from FAs all the time about a past relationship failing partially because the woman could never quite accept and feel comfortable with his attraction to her. It's all part of the same twisted logic pattern, sadly.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:12 AM   #3
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Just about every fat girl I know in person hates her body and think the worst of FAs.

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Old 07-17-2009, 08:14 AM   #4
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It is unfortunately altogether too common - the effect of society's mind conditioning. Nearly every public FA encounters it, most sooner rather than later.

The desire to counteract such attitudes is what started me writing weight related fiction, positive realistic tales where the ladies not only accept their beauty but have a guy that celebrates it.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:19 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by rollhandler View Post

As BBWs do any of you also share this view? Or have you encountered other BBWs that share this view? This is the first time I've ever encountered this way of thinking and wonder how common it is. I also wonder if I am the only FA who has encountered BBW women who believe this way about themselves and the ones who find them attractive. That the guy they are with simply settled for the fat girl, but couldn't possibly desire them as being fat or that their partner is disgusting in his preference if it is known to be such.

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Well, I can't speak for BBW's, but I can speak for "FAs". I have come across a number of self loathing females. I find it kind of disheartening. But, in their defense if society as a whole spends all its time telling you that any female over a size zero is undesirable at a point some will believe it. The result is someone who can't love them self. That also means they won't allow anyone to love and desire them either because they believe no one is suppose to. In the end, it leads to a very negative BBW, who may never know true happiness, or even love.

Yes, it is kind of depressing outlook, but believe me. I have come in contact with a few. Example: I had a childhood neighbor; a BBW dream; but she was one of the angriest women I had ever met in my lifetime. She drove away her husband and her kids. When I think back on it was sad that she so unhappy with herself the best thing could do was make others feel worse. Last I heard she passed away, and the only one at the funeral was her sister.

The upside, I think, comes from us FAs. We can bring kindness to the BBWs we met. A kind word, a friendly smile and even love may be what it takes to show them that they are desirable too.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:22 AM   #6
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The desire to counteract such attitudes is what started me writing weight related fiction, positive realistic tales where the ladies not only accept their beauty but have a guy that celebrates it.
I couldn't agree more. So my stories do the same.
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Old 07-17-2009, 12:28 PM   #7
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I can understand where she is coming from...I would bet for years she was fed the same crap as the rest of us...I know I was told over and over that no man would want me because of my size..I was told that men really want thin women and not women that out weigh them...I now know that is not true but back then I really believed it....So when we meet some man that loves our bigger sizes we are very skeptical and believe the guy is with us because he can't find anyone else..
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Old 07-17-2009, 01:07 PM   #8
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I can understand where she is coming from...I would bet for years she was fed the same crap as the rest of us...I know I was told over and over that no man would want me because of my size..I was told that men really want thin women and not women that out weigh them...I now know that is not true but back then I really believed it....So when we meet some man that loves our bigger sizes we are very skeptical and believe the guy is with us because he can't find anyone else..

Ditto this...

I found that my ex married me for a lot of reasons that seemed very foreign to me...he said that because I'm a fat girl, he knew I had self-esteem issues and would be humble because society had beaten the fight out of me (he was wrong about the humble part...I'm a "spark plug", as one of my friends put it, although I do have self-esteem issues lol). I know he married me fat, but only started showing MORE interest in me sexually when I lost a lot of weight. His family even told me they loved me DESPITE my weight...so that felt really great *eye roll*.

I personally don't feel that FA's are weird...I AM one (FFA) so that would be hypocritical. I understand why it's such an attraction. My ex-husband was a trim guy...my last BF was a BHM (and absolutely beautiful ). I don't know if I'm weird or not, but the feeling I got when holding him...it was like my heart was FULL...not just because I love him, but the physical attraction was really present. The fact that I couldn't fit my arms around the man was just awesome to me. I loved that he was bigger than me in every way (height, weight, etc.). I can go either way with the size thing, but I'm MORE attracted to BHM's. It's not something I really understand completely myself.
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Old 07-17-2009, 04:19 PM   #9
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I personally don't feel that FA's are weird...I AM one (FFA) so that would be hypocritical. I understand why it's such an attraction. My ex-husband was a trim guy...my last BF was a BHM (and absolutely beautiful ). I don't know if I'm weird or not, but the feeling I got when holding him...it was like my heart was FULL...not just because I love him, but the physical attraction was really present. The fact that I couldn't fit my arms around the man was just awesome to me. I loved that he was bigger than me in every way (height, weight, etc.). I can go either way with the size thing, but I'm MORE attracted to BHM's. It's not something I really understand completely myself.
I think it makes sense that someone who is FA as well as fat themselves would understand why others were attracted to them. I have self-esteem issues and body image issues around being fat, but not because I don't like myself that way, but because I fear being rejected by others and because of societal messages that stereotype me as dumb, lazy, ugly, etc. I actually prefer having a fat body (though sometimes would like to be a bit smaller, for better physical agility and comfort issues), probably because I've always liked other people's fat bodies.

When I was younger and skinny, I wanted to get fatter (which didn't happen until my metabolism changed later on.) I thought my grandma and other female relatives on my dad's side of the family looked good fat. My stepsister is supersized, and I loved her cute fat face and arms when I was a kid. It's sometimes hard for me to understand the depth of self-hatred about fatness that many women (and men, too) have. I can see how someone would have trouble believing people found them attractive, but it's hard to see how someone would think that was disgusting.

Anyway, I'd much rather be with someone who actually prefers my body type, rather than someone who is just settling for it.
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Old 07-17-2009, 06:09 PM   #10
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I understand where she's coming from, too. The world isn't often very kind to fat women. We are seen as mammies and maids, ugly best friends, rejects, and sometimes even as monsters.

When I read about a woman like this--who makes statements like this--my reaction is not to want to condemn her for expressing disgust that someone would prefer her body. This self-hate has a root. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It would be wonderful if we could simply expect that fat women pick up that oh-so-vaunted "self-confidence" in a neat package at the store, but I don't think that's fair or feasible.

I say be kind to fat women. Give them an image of themselves that raises them above the abject. Things don't have to be the way they've been. But the change we clamor for really is up to us to put into place--it will happen through compassion for self and for others, I think, not by pressuring fat women to worry about things like self-confidence and self-worth--those are pop psych concepts that are easy to talk about but more difficult to practice.

D-square: I really appreciated your call for being kind to fat women and want to tell you that I don't think things are as depressing as they used to be. The story of your friend is sobering, but I think you have the right idea when you say that it begins with kindness. Thanks.

rollhandler: This is a good topic.
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Old 07-17-2009, 07:21 PM   #11
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Default Fa...

I'd give my eye teeth to find an FA around here that would accept me for what I am, fat or not. I'm not an SSBBW, just a BBW of around 245 (being only 5'1", that 245 definitely makes me a BBW), and I can't find a single man around here that wants anything to do with me. I'm a joke at work (the guys find it amusing to joke about which of them has "had" me - none of them have, but they think it's funny to say so), and can't seem to find any FA's around here at all. If they're here, they're closeted. Or married.

I will never be a Barbie Doll - I'll always be somewhat "healthy", as they say around here. I have a fairly decent body image, but it would be made ever so much better if someone admired it and made me feel beautiful. I think that's the major issue with many of us BBW's & SSBBW's - no one TELLS us we're beautiful, or makes us feel special, therefore, we don't feel that we are.
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Old 07-17-2009, 07:24 PM   #12
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I can understand where she is coming from...I would bet for years she was fed the same crap as the rest of us...I know I was told over and over that no man would want me because of my size..I was told that men really want thin women and not women that out weigh them...I now know that is not true but back then I really believed it....So when we meet some man that loves our bigger sizes we are very skeptical and believe the guy is with us because he can't find anyone else..
I can relate to BBB. Lots of the fat women I've dated didn't believe me when I told them I liked the way they looked. I was told I was crazy, I was told "oh you're just saying that", I was even accused of preying on vulnerable women with low self-esteem.

I'm particularity sensitive to the "can't find anyone else" bit. I'm larger guy who doesn't look anything like Brad Pitt so I think a lot of the fat women I met did indeed think I was settling because fat chicks were the best I could get. I'm not totally sure they were wrong on this point. I only seriously considered women who were college educated, and at least mildly successful. I probably didn't have the romantic capital to snag such a woman who was conventionally attractive too (i.e. thin). Indeed if it weren't for the stigma against fat chicks I'm sure my wife would have been snatched up long before I met her.
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Old 07-17-2009, 07:59 PM   #13
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I understand where she's coming from, too. The world isn't often very kind to fat women. We are seen as mammies and maids, ugly best friends, rejects, and sometimes even as monsters.

When I read about a woman like this--who makes statements like this--my reaction is not to want to condemn her for expressing disgust that someone would prefer her body. This self-hate has a root. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It would be wonderful if we could simply expect that fat women pick up that oh-so-vaunted "self-confidence" in a neat package at the store, but I don't think that's fair or feasible.

I say be kind to fat women. Give them an image of themselves that raises them above the abject. Things don't have to be the way they've been. But the change we clamor for really is up to us to put into place--it will happen through compassion for self and for others, I think, not by pressuring fat women to worry about things like self-confidence and self-worth--those are pop psych concepts that are easy to talk about but more difficult to practice.

D-square: I really appreciated your call for being kind to fat women and want to tell you that I don't think things are as depressing as they used to be. The story of your friend is sobering, but I think you have the right idea when you say that it begins with kindness. Thanks.

rollhandler: This is a good topic.
mammies? wait i thought mammies or the word mammy meant the female equivalent of a uncle tom.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:01 PM   #14
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I'd give my eye teeth to find an FA around here that would accept me for what I am, fat or not. I'm not an SSBBW, just a BBW of around 245 (being only 5'1", that 245 definitely makes me a BBW), and I can't find a single man around here that wants anything to do with me. I'm a joke at work (the guys find it amusing to joke about which of them has "had" me - none of them have, but they think it's funny to say so), and can't seem to find any FA's around here at all. If they're here, they're closeted. Or married.

I will never be a Barbie Doll - I'll always be somewhat "healthy", as they say around here. I have a fairly decent body image, but it would be made ever so much better if someone admired it and made me feel beautiful. I think that's the major issue with many of us BBW's & SSBBW's - no one TELLS us we're beautiful, or makes us feel special, therefore, we don't feel that we are.
since you live in the same state im in check out the city of detroit.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:09 PM   #15
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mammies? wait i thought mammies or the word mammy meant the female equivalent of a uncle tom.
No, dear. A Mammy is a large woman, usually black, that cares for white children. She is not necessarily an "Uncle Tom". Most of the time, she was just a working woman.
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:27 PM   #16
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No, dear. A Mammy is a large woman, usually black, that cares for white children. She is not necessarily an "Uncle Tom". Most of the time, she was just a working woman.
Right. She was seen as someone who was naturally there to take care of other people's childrearing. Fat women's bodies (in the case of the Mammy, fat black women's bodies specifically) have often been seen as readily available sources of labor that other people would rather not bother with.
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Old 07-17-2009, 09:27 PM   #17
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No, dear. A Mammy is a large woman, usually black, that cares for white children. She is not necessarily an "Uncle Tom". Most of the time, she was just a working woman.
thanks for the info.
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Old 07-17-2009, 10:19 PM   #18
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She finds it disgusting that a man would find a fat girl attractive and desire the very body she possess. This started a train of thought and questions in my mind about how she views herself and her relationship with her husband who after conversing about FAs with her is obviously one and is not ashamed to admit his preference when asked about it. She seems fully aware of her attractiveness as a WOMAN but believes that any man who would be attracted to her BODY is disgusting.

As BBWs do any of you also share this view? Or have you encountered other BBWs that share this view? This is the first time I've ever encountered this way of thinking and wonder how common it is. I also wonder if I am the only FA who has encountered BBW women who believe this way about themselves and the ones who find them attractive. That the guy they are with simply settled for the fat girl, but couldn't possibly desire them as being fat or that their partner is disgusting in his preference if it is known to be such.
I don't think that men (or women!) who are attracted to fat women (or men!) are gross or wrong-- I've never thought that-- but I've definitely had a lot of trouble believing that my lovers were attracted to my body.

I remember once my ex told me, out of nowhere, that I had nice breasts. And then he repeated himself in French, because according to him, from the expression on my face it looked like I hadn't understood what he had said the first time.

I've made progress over the years in terms of self-confidence, but I've yet to believe that my body is not objectively unattractive. So, with few exceptions, when someone tells me that my body is sexy (cuz that happens so often ), my initial reaction is to disagree. And then I get this weird sense of indignation: "How dare you project your opinion onto me! If I say I'm ugly, then I am ugly, god dammit!" Crazy, I know.

And I agree with Geektastic, I hate thinking that someone is settling for me, or putting up with my glaring physical flaws because I'm just that awesome at blowjobs or something. I just have a lot of trouble seeing it any other way.
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Old 07-17-2009, 10:41 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by rollhandler View Post
.....As BBWs do any of you also share this view? Or have you encountered other BBWs that share this view? This is the first time I've ever encountered this way of thinking and wonder how common it is. I also wonder if I am the only FA who has encountered BBW women who believe this way about themselves and the ones who find them attractive. That the guy they are with simply settled for the fat girl, but couldn't possibly desire them as being fat or that their partner is disgusting in his preference if it is known to be such.

Rollhandler
I don't think I've ever met a fat woman in my own life who thought that. They may not have been comfortable with their bodies but they never said anything about feeling disgusted by a guy who would want their bodies. I've never felt that way either. So while this idea is foreign to my own world view, I'm also not surprised.

It's good to pose this question to the ladies here and their input is welcome and encouraged, but if you are wondering specifically if any FAs have experienced this, you should pose that particular question to other FAs in the FA Forum. I'm sure you'll get lots of answers.
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Old 07-17-2009, 10:46 PM   #20
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No, dear. A Mammy is a large woman, usually black, that cares for white children. She is not necessarily an "Uncle Tom". Most of the time, she was just a working woman.
To add to that a mammie is specifically seen as asexual or rather desexualized. A mammie isn't supposed to be seen or heard unless she's about to offer sage folk wisdom or somesuch. She'd be seen as a sort of precocious child in that way, otherwise she's a persona non grata.
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Old 07-17-2009, 11:14 PM   #21
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rollhandler: This is a good topic.
I had a hard time deciding how to verbalize this topic in a productive manner.
Thank you to all the respondents for the support of this thread, its subject matter, and for the feedback. I am once again made aware of how woefully my education lacks in human nature and how much I still have to learn as an FA about BBWs

Thank you Conrad also for this board, I hope it is as much of an FA learning resource as I believe it can be.
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Old 07-17-2009, 11:50 PM   #22
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I want to add a bit more if I can...Fa's and men in general need to be patient with bigger women...Our self esteem and confidence is totally shot to hell and we are so beaten down that it will take a lot of time and patience for us to get use to men wanting us because of who we are...

Compliments are nice but we need more then that...I would say we are like babes in the woods and need more action then anything...We have to be shown we are worthy of having men fawn all over us like our smaller sisters..It wont happen over night,it might take a while but it has to be slow if not some will get skiddish and run for the hills..

Please men if you find a BBW or a SSBBW attractive and interesting do not, I repeat do not start off with something sexual to say..Right there is a big red flag and you will not get a toe in the door..Be nice and spend the time getting to know the woman and not just be ready to wank off because of her body! Treat her like a queen and she will treat you like a king..
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:52 AM   #23
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I want to add a bit more if I can...Fa's and men in general need to be patient with bigger women...Our self esteem and confidence is totally shot to hell and we are so beaten down that it will take a lot of time and patience for us to get use to men wanting us because of who we are...

Compliments are nice but we need more then that...I would say we are like babes in the woods and need more action then anything...We have to be shown we are worthy of having men fawn all over us like our smaller sisters..It wont happen over night,it might take a while but it has to be slow if not some will get skiddish and run for the hills..

Please men if you find a BBW or a SSBBW attractive and interesting do not, I repeat do not start off with something sexual to say..Right there is a big red flag and you will not get a toe in the door..Be nice and spend the time getting to know the woman and not just be ready to wank off because of her body! Treat her like a queen and she will treat you like a king..
BBB - you hit the nail right on the head, darlin'! Thank you for your succinct words.

Gangsta...thanks - I'm a good distance from Detroit, though - it seems to be too much to ask to find someone local!
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Old 07-18-2009, 11:48 AM   #24
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It's good to pose this question to the ladies here and their input is welcome and encouraged, but if you are wondering specifically if any FAs have experienced this, you should pose that particular question to other FAs in the FA Forum. I'm sure you'll get lots of answers.
Today I did just that. I am not sure about the rules of cross posting and did my best to not simply repeat the thread but tailor it to FAs using this thread as a reference of context.

While composing that thread I had the flash of insight about how she views FAs vs her husband. She is in a marriage, her husband has made his preference known in conversation to family that he doesnt like skinny girls and prefers larger women, they have two children and the relationship seems to be thriving after years using conversations with her about it as a basis of reference. If he admits publiclly that his preference is large women and she feels that he is lying, it would appear to me that she is in denial of his preference choosing instead to believe that he would lie to her rather than to believe that he would truly prefer that which she views as disgusting.
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Old 07-18-2009, 12:00 PM   #25
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I've been thinking about this post since it went up. I am still feeling the same things but still far from being able to articulate those feelings fully and in a way that seems coherent but I'm going to try. I really appreciate this thoughtful post, Rollhandler.

I'm am terribly sad for any woman who thinks it's disgusting that a man finds her attractive...whatever her shape or size. What I wouldn't give to give her some self acceptance.

I also think there is a fair split of FA's who bring on the backlash of objectifying women and those who just want to find a nice woman that they are physically and emotionally attracted to. It's unfortunate that often the good ones get the burn and the bad ones get another chance to hurt another woman.

I personally don't care to speak to men who only focus on my fat and once they do I shut them down and move on. In the same stroke if they don't find my junk all the rage they need to go away as well. It's a balancing act...one for which there are no simple answers.
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