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Old 08-05-2009, 02:53 PM   #1
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Default Is it really worth it to be open about being an FA?

I knew I liked big women when I was about 9. I danced with the biggest girl in our class at a spring dance and didn't think much of it other than "Wow she's really hot and this feels incredible!"

Then I went to school on Monday.

I already got picked on by pretty much everyone so this was like throwing a gas can in a bonfire. To make matters worse, I told her she felt like a teddy bear (tell me you'd have done better in 5th grade) and she hated me forever and started joining in with everyone else picking on me. So I decided that no one could ever know what kind of girls I liked.

My parents didnt find out until senior year when they watched the biggest girl in the marching band flag corps (5'9 300ish) do everything but make out with me in the stands for an entire game. I still hear about it from my mom 8 years later and it's not light-hearted ribbing. My mom is 5'9 and has never weighed more than 160 and that was when she was pregnant with me. She hates fat people indiscriminately so that further pushed me in the closet.

Once I got out of HS for a few months and realized how truly stupid it was to let the opinions of others dictate who I dated I felt a lot better about things but I never really came all the way "out of the closet."

Now that Ive gone to college and held some jobs in varying fields, I realize that it is not always in my best interest to be open about what I like. A lot of times I feel the way a non-racist white person might have felt during the civil rights movement. If I speak up Im at the very least risking getting labeled as a weirdo and at worst I might lose an acquaintance or friend. I've had jobs where I got shunned to the point that my hours got cut because people told management I made them "uncomfortable" and I knew for a fact it was because of my taste in women. If I don't say anything then I'm as bad as someone making fun of fat people. Two of my best friends from HS wont hang out in public with me because they dont want to be seen with "the dude that bangs fat chicks". And I'm not going to even get into what it's done as far as relationships go.

Am I wrong for feeling like this? I feel so ignorant because the internet is really the only place Ive ever been able to discuss this comfortably. I've literally had one friend my entire life whose tastes are similar to mine and is open about it.

I'm sorry this is so long but I refuse to talk about this IRL anymore and I needed an outlet and I talk too much. If you made it all the way through thank you very much!
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:14 PM   #2
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It's only worth it if you enjoy the feeling of being true to yourself and standing up for yourself. If your friends take exception to your feelings towards fat chicks and shun you because of it, then they're not your friends. Your mom can not like fat people all she wants, but unless you want to live with her until she's dead, you can't let her opinion dictate your wants.

Also, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to, nor should you, share your preferences at work. That goes for any sexual preference or habit, be they mainstream or not. Nobody sharing TPS reports with you wants to know what gets your dick hard. If they do, run away, because mixing business with pleasure is a bad idea.
Your acquaintances don't need to know, either, unless you want them to and they directly ask. Volunteering any sexual or romantic preferences to others could make them uncomfortable if they didn't directly ask about it, even if you're willing to share.

If they ask and seem adverse to your answer, the worst thing you could do is ask ashamed. That just gives them fuel to make you feel like you SHOULD be ashamed. So what if they think you're a weirdo. I'm sure there's other stuff you do that make people think you're weird. I'm sure there's stuff THEY do that YOU think is weird. It's nothing worth burning someone at the stake over.
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:18 PM   #3
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This is really less about BBWs than about trust. With whom can you be yourself? As you have learned, there are a lot of jerks out there, and also a lot of insecure people who will go along unquestioningly with the majority in order to feel that they're fitting in. Whom do you tell about your preferences? I would say, tell those who need to know. If not telling someone is going to hurt that person somehow, then tell. Otherwise, why say anything? The people who are close to you will figure it out, and you don't owe true confessions to people who aren't close to you, do you?
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:35 PM   #4
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I think age is relevant with this question. Once you get into your 20's at least, you should be at the age that people will openly accept your preferances, maybe give you a bit of shit for it, but it'll be playful. You don't have to go out of your way to tell people that you're into big girls, but if it's brought up, why lie? You'd be lying to yourself in the long run.

Having said that, don't let people give you shit for you thinking that you might be better off in the closet. I think the first thread I made was about how to deal with being an FA when I'm not confident in myself with it, and I got shit on for page upon page. Fuck that. You're not going to be able to say one day 'you know what, fuck it, I'm ok with this!'. It'll take a while, especially if you've had issues like being the friend who hooks up with fat girls, or similar.

Try sticking around and getting involved with the forums a bit more; it might help your self confidence out, which is ultimately what it boils down to in the end.
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:44 PM   #5
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Your mom can not like fat people all she wants, but unless you want to live with her until she's dead, you can't let her opinion dictate your wants.
It wasnt so much her opinion in particular that affected me, its the fact that she's very open minded about everything else. I feel like fat people are about the last major group you can openly discriminate against and not get labeled a bigot. I felt like if she could be that cruel then the rest of the world is probably worse.

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You don't have to, nor should you, share your preferences at work...Your acquaintances don't need to know, either, unless you want them to and they directly ask. Volunteering any sexual or romantic preferences to others could make them uncomfortable if they didn't directly ask about it, even if you're willing to share.
I NEVER, under any circumstances, bring up someone's physical preferences. When you work in a kitchen though (and Ive worked in many) the subject is bound to come up and if you don't at least indulge people you'll get labeled a lot worse things than an FA. It's a lot like a football locker room. As far as acquaintances go, if someone is the type to get uncomfortable about a discussion about what theyre attracted to then we'll never get along anyways


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the worst thing you could do is ask ashamed.
Even when I was deepest in the closet about my tastes I never felt any shame because I knew there wasnt anything wrong or evil about what I liked. Getting picked on for the overwhelming majority of my school life just taught me that hiding certain things about yourself is a lot easier.
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:56 PM   #6
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Default yes.

It is worth it to be open. If anyone doesn't like the fact that you're happy with fat chicks, then fuck them. Not literally. They arent good enough for you if they cant accept you, no matter who they are. Theres a time to draw a line and when its crossed there no going back. I've made my choices and my lines now. I feel better and at peace. I hope you find the same.

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Old 08-05-2009, 04:02 PM   #7
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It's only worth it if you enjoy the feeling of being true to yourself and standing up for yourself. If your friends take exception to your feelings towards fat chicks and shun you because of it, then they're not your friends. Your mom can not like fat people all she wants, but unless you want to live with her until she's dead, you can't let her opinion dictate your wants.

Also, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to, nor should you, share your preferences at work. That goes for any sexual preference or habit, be they mainstream or not. Nobody sharing TPS reports with you wants to know what gets your dick hard. If they do, run away, because mixing business with pleasure is a bad idea.
Your acquaintances don't need to know, either, unless you want them to and they directly ask. Volunteering any sexual or romantic preferences to others could make them uncomfortable if they didn't directly ask about it, even if you're willing to share.

If they ask and seem adverse to your answer, the worst thing you could do is ask ashamed. That just gives them fuel to make you feel like you SHOULD be ashamed. So what if they think you're a weirdo. I'm sure there's other stuff you do that make people think you're weird. I'm sure there's stuff THEY do that YOU think is weird. It's nothing worth burning someone at the stake over.
Just to address your points....

My mom's reaction had no direct bearing on my tastes, if that makes sense. I stopped having any regard for my mother's opinions a long time ago, its just that she's open minded as can be about everything except fat people. I feel like thats the last group you can openly discriminate against and not get labeled a bigot by the masses so I felt that if she could be that cruel then I certainly couldnt expect good things from others.

I never willingly share any information along those lines. Most of my jobs are working in kitchens though and its like a football locker room. I am not quiet and reserved and if I try to act that way when the subject of women comes up then I get labeled gay (ironically that always works out much better but thats another thread). As far as when Im with acquaintances, I used to be way to much of a whore to hide what I liked. I still like to talk to a lot of women but Im not trying to jump down their pants immediately and its not always to even get her number. Naturally Im going to want to talk to women I find at least reasonably attractive and about 60% of the time that means she's gonna be pretty big (16+). So why should I "tone it down" because Im worried about making somebody ignorant and close-minded uncomfortable?

Ive never felt any shame over what I like because I knew from the beginning that there wasnt anything "wrong" with it. I got teased for things that were completely out of my control and not "wrong" at all so I really wasnt trying t add another log to the fire.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:07 PM   #8
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I think age is relevant with this question. Once you get into your 20's at least, you should be at the age that people will openly accept your preferances, maybe give you a bit of shit for it, but it'll be playful. You don't have to go out of your way to tell people that you're into big girls, but if it's brought up, why lie? You'd be lying to yourself in the long run.

Having said that, don't let people give you shit for you thinking that you might be better off in the closet. I think the first thread I made was about how to deal with being an FA when I'm not confident in myself with it, and I got shit on for page upon page. Fuck that. You're not going to be able to say one day 'you know what, fuck it, I'm ok with this!'. It'll take a while, especially if you've had issues like being the friend who hooks up with fat girls, or similar.

Try sticking around and getting involved with the forums a bit more; it might help your self confidence out, which is ultimately what it boils down to in the end.
My self-confidence is not the problem at all. I have a pretty healthy level of self-esteem and has been a big source of my romantic difficulties up to this point. I'm 24 and pretty much everyone I hang out with is well over 30 and age doesnt have as much to do with it as you'd like to think when it comes to this subject. Sure it's not as bad as it would be if I hung out with more people my own age but DJing has exposed me to lots of different settings and the big girls (and the men that openly like them) get the same bullshit treatment pretty much across the board.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:09 PM   #9
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It is worth it to be open. If anyone doesn't like the fact that you're happy with fat chicks, then fuck them. Not literally. They arent good enough for you if they cant accept you, no matter who they are. Theres a time to draw a line and when its crossed there no going back. I've made my choices and my lines now. I feel better and at peace. I hope you find the same.

-Jon
This is usually how I feel but I like being around people so it's sort of a catch 22. At the end of the day I know that I'll never be the type of person thats "popular" on more than a superficial level, I just need to have some people slap me in the face with the reality that Ive just got to suck it up and accept that people (mostly) suck.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:18 PM   #10
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don't worry too much, just be true to yourself and let your heart guide you. Its the only thing you'll ever really need to follow. In other words (easier said then done) be yourself and dont let anyone or thing try to change you.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:54 PM   #11
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I think you're focusing a little bit too much on what others might feel about you, but I'm also somewhat confused by your definition of what "Being out of the closet" really is.

The biggest thing is just being true to yourself and others. Sometimes yelling it isn't best, but telling the truth and not backing down can be very rewarding.

I'd say just go with the whole and be truthful. No need to lay it out in a job interview you know? lol
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Old 08-05-2009, 05:18 PM   #12
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I knew I liked big women when I was about 9. I danced with the biggest girl in our class at a spring dance and didn't think much of it other than "Wow she's really hot and this feels incredible!"

Then I went to school on Monday.

I already got picked on by pretty much everyone so this was like throwing a gas can in a bonfire. To make matters worse, I told her she felt like a teddy bear (tell me you'd have done better in 5th grade) and she hated me forever and started joining in with everyone else picking on me. So I decided that no one could ever know what kind of girls I liked.

My parents didnt find out until senior year when they watched the biggest girl in the marching band flag corps (5'9 300ish) do everything but make out with me in the stands for an entire game. I still hear about it from my mom 8 years later and it's not light-hearted ribbing. My mom is 5'9 and has never weighed more than 160 and that was when she was pregnant with me. She hates fat people indiscriminately so that further pushed me in the closet.

Once I got out of HS for a few months and realized how truly stupid it was to let the opinions of others dictate who I dated I felt a lot better about things but I never really came all the way "out of the closet."

Now that Ive gone to college and held some jobs in varying fields, I realize that it is not always in my best interest to be open about what I like. A lot of times I feel the way a non-racist white person might have felt during the civil rights movement. If I speak up Im at the very least risking getting labeled as a weirdo and at worst I might lose an acquaintance or friend. I've had jobs where I got shunned to the point that my hours got cut because people told management I made them "uncomfortable" and I knew for a fact it was because of my taste in women. If I don't say anything then I'm as bad as someone making fun of fat people. Two of my best friends from HS wont hang out in public with me because they dont want to be seen with "the dude that bangs fat chicks". And I'm not going to even get into what it's done as far as relationships go.

Am I wrong for feeling like this? I feel so ignorant because the internet is really the only place Ive ever been able to discuss this comfortably. I've literally had one friend my entire life whose tastes are similar to mine and is open about it.

I'm sorry this is so long but I refuse to talk about this IRL anymore and I needed an outlet and I talk too much. If you made it all the way through thank you very much!
Having an alternate sexual preference is not easy. I was lucky because my friends are open-minded people. I went through a similar problem with my mom.

What I do at work is I don't bring up my sexual preference unless someone asks me. Sex and gender issues are always potentially explosive in the workplace and are better discussed outside of the company.
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Old 08-05-2009, 06:42 PM   #13
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Now that Ive gone to college and held some jobs in varying fields, I realize that it is not always in my best interest to be open about what I like. A lot of times I feel the way a non-racist white person might have felt during the civil rights movement. If I speak up Im at the very least risking getting labeled as a weirdo and at worst I might lose an acquaintance or friend. I've had jobs where I got shunned to the point that my hours got cut because people told management I made them "uncomfortable" and I knew for a fact it was because of my taste in women. If I don't say anything then I'm as bad as someone making fun of fat people. Two of my best friends from HS wont hang out in public with me because they dont want to be seen with "the dude that bangs fat chicks". And I'm not going to even get into what it's done as far as relationships go.
First, the fact that you'd even ask whether it's worth it to be an open FA is worth it shows me you're headed in a good direction.

With that said, I have to ask you why you're being called "the dude that bangs fat chicks". FA's may have a preference for the curvy female form, but for most of us, it's not just about banging. To me, that screams to people on the outside that fat girls are just for you getting off, since you can't get anyone else, like your self esteem is low.......are you feelin' me here?

If your friends are going to judge you solely based on who you date, you may want to consider finding new friends. I've had to get rid of my share over the years, and I've found many good friends in this community, who still share my interests, but don't look down on my for what I like.

Years ago, early in my FA dom, I used to run the Atlantic City boardwalk. I had a favorite t-shirt that I used to wear that said "I'll take the fat one". As I have moved along in my journey, increasing in my conviction & confidence in my preference, my t-shirt would say "I want the fat one", a clear shift in perception.

Somewhere here, a little over a year ago, I posted about how I left my job over being an open FA. That, coupled with my wife's paysite modeling, and my boss' insistence on making fun of both my wife and me, caused me to resign, throw my boss under the bus as an asshole, threaten lawsuit for creating a hostile work environment, and move on to a much better position, where my company understands that what I like, and what my wife does has nothing to do with how I perform at my job, which I am really damn good at.

I've never looked back, and standing up in those situations only makes one feel better about themselves, not worse. Try it someday, and you'll see what I mean.
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Old 08-05-2009, 06:53 PM   #14
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.....

Now that Ive gone to college and held some jobs in varying fields, I realize that it is not always in my best interest to be open about what I like. A lot of times I feel the way a non-racist white person might have felt during the civil rights movement. If I speak up Im at the very least risking getting labeled as a weirdo and at worst I might lose an acquaintance or friend. I've had jobs where I got shunned to the point that my hours got cut because people told management I made them "uncomfortable" and I knew for a fact it was because of my taste in women. If I don't say anything then I'm as bad as someone making fun of fat people. Two of my best friends from HS wont hang out in public with me because they dont want to be seen with "the dude that bangs fat chicks". And I'm not going to even get into what it's done as far as relationships go.

Am I wrong for feeling like this? I feel so ignorant because the internet is really the only place Ive ever been able to discuss this comfortably. I've literally had one friend my entire life whose tastes are similar to mine and is open about it.

I'm sorry this is so long but I refuse to talk about this IRL anymore and I needed an outlet and I talk too much. If you made it all the way through thank you very much!
You are not wrong for feeling this way. The bottom line is that your experiences are valid and many of us have shared similar ones. I think that being able to discuss this with other FAs ought to help somewhat as it definitely helps to hear the perspectives of others who have been through what you have.

I would generally advise against making this a conversational topic with BBWs who will naturally be likely to view such topics in a way that makes comparison with their own experiences. Neither FAs nor BBWs should belittle eachother's differing experiences but the common reaction would be to view such FA complaints with a pinch of 'man the fuck up'. I'm not saying that you have done so... I mention it more as a general piece of advice to others and especially any newbie FAs who might be reading this.

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....

Having said that, don't let people give you shit for you thinking that you might be better off in the closet. I think the first thread I made was about how to deal with being an FA when I'm not confident in myself with it, and I got shit on for page upon page. Fuck that. You're not going to be able to say one day 'you know what, fuck it, I'm ok with this!'. It'll take a while, especially if you've had issues like being the friend who hooks up with fat girls, or similar.

Try sticking around and getting involved with the forums a bit more; it might help your self confidence out, which is ultimately what it boils down to in the end.
I'm with Fez on this. There are going to be some downsides to a decision to be out of the closet. Its ok to admit that because its true. In my experience those downsides are massively outweighed by the upsides but being 'ok with it' is a process and I don't think its common that a person goes from fully 'in' to fully 'out' overnight. It doesn't sound like you did. In fact it seems like you are asking the question from the perspective of someone who is wondering if he made the right choice coming out or whether he should have stayed closeted? I don't know if I've got that right but if that is what you are saying then think about the alternative that you didn't choose. You didn't choose to suppress your sexuality... you didn't choose to grow up repressed and unexperienced with women... you didn't choose to pretend to like thin women and go on to lead a false life...

sure... some of your life might have been easier if you were a sexually repressed, socially awkward fake... but hey... ultimately I'm gonna wager that deep down you know that the pay off was probably worth it?!
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:10 PM   #15
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Years ago, early in my FA dom, I used to run the Atlantic City boardwalk. I had a favorite t-shirt that I used to wear that said "I'll take the fat one". As I have moved along in my journey, increasing in my conviction & confidence in my preference, my t-shirt would say "I want the fat one", a clear shift in perception.

That must have been a great tee shirt Phil. It speaks volumes. I think for me -early in my FA dom- folks could not ever see me with a thin woman. I think my face just glowed with FA dom

BigFinchDog Great post and welcome to the Boards. Good for you. It's always best to come out and be true to yourself - you will be a happier person in the long run.
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Old 08-05-2009, 10:54 PM   #16
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Again, another resounding YES as an answer to your question BigFinchdog. It is worth it to be open about being a FA. In the long run being "out" as a FA is the only way to go. Not only for yourself, but for the fat women you desire and associate with and for the people around you... including your family, friends and co-workers.

It's as simple as that.

You may loose some friends along the way, you may (as you claim) have problems with it at your place of work... But who's happiness is this all about anyway...? Your friends? Your family? Your co-workers? Your happiness and the happiness of the BBW / SSBBW in your life is what is most important in the long run, or at least it should be.
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Old 08-06-2009, 12:33 AM   #17
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I appreciate the responses I have gotten in this thread very much. I suppose I came off as having less self-esteem than I really do (Im sure that comes off as a load of shit) but on the flipside I think my lack of inhibition in approaching women is probably a subconscious reaction to being defensive about what I like. At the end of the day Im too stubborn to let "society" stop me from doing what I want to do but that still doesnt stop me from sometimes wishing that I liked what "everyone else" likes.
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:13 AM   #18
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J
So why should I "tone it down" because Im worried about making somebody ignorant and close-minded uncomfortable?
I'm not talking about people that disagree with your preference. I was referring to people that may take offense to ANYONE talking about anything remotely sexual, romantic, or relating to privacy, especially if the person talking about it is on a need-to-know basis. Some people are just far more private about life details, which is something that is often forgotten.

Think about it in a completely different scenario. Sheila is totally cool with verbalizing information about her body and her femininity. She figures it's totally natural and happens to everyone, and it's common knowledge, so it won't be a problem discussing it, especially with other women.
Nicole is a very private person and likes to keep to herself. She doesn't volunteer information easily and even discussing bodily functions with her doctor makes her blush.
Sheila approaches Nicole knowing they're friendly acquaintances and makes a remark that she's on her period and cramping like a mo-fo, that her flow's so heavy she's debating building a levee, and wants to know if Nicole has any super absorbency tampons. Nicole looks horrified, but manages to apologize and say no, and Sheila walks away in search of another person to ask.
I've seen that scenario hundreds of times, and it's wholly inappropriate in any setting involving people that you work with, go to school with, anywhere people may be friendly acquaintances, but not your tight-knit best buds. And if you can't tell your tight-knit best buds without them freaking out, then they're not as tight-knit as you thought.
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Old 08-06-2009, 01:48 PM   #19
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Accept your inner weirdness


Take a break, definatly don't date anyone until you get this sorted out in your head. You don't want to break anyone's heart because you are still getting your stuff together. I don't think most people will care. This conflict sounds like it's mostly in your head.

Stand up for what you like. I always consider myself the sane person in an insane world
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:33 PM   #20
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Dunno how much help I can give, but my own perspective has always been simply to act as though what I was doing was no different from others. I don't think I've ever "come out of the closet" in the sense of, you know, openly broadcasting it to the world. That's just something I don't feel like I need to do; anyone wanting to figure out my preferences can just look at who I've dated and draw their conclusions from there.

Then again, I might be in a different situation, as I've always been rather thick-skinned when it came to teasing and such. However, I don't think anyone ever got on my back for my apparent attraction to fat girls, was generally other reasons, and my parents have never much gotten on my back about it.

To quote a bit of Bruce Lee, it's a matter of being as water. letting things go as they will, path of least resistance and such. Don't hide it, but don't openly broadcast it; don't be ashamed of it, but don't make it people's business that want to cause you trouble anyway.
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:51 PM   #21
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I took some flack for admitting I like the bigger girls, I'm sure all F/A's have at one point or another.

Everytime I'm with my high school buddies, everytime a big girl walks by they either nudge me or just say outloud "Hayes special!" Even my own mother calls me Miles based on the F/A from the movie Summer Catch. However my father is the most noutorious fat hater I've ever known, but even he is playful about it with me.

But the thing is, my friends and family are being playful, you seem to have a lot of out and out hatred thrown your way based on your posts. I should ask YOU a question.

Are you willing to stand up to friends, family and co-workers for what you believe in, if so then you're out of the closet so to speak.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:18 PM   #22
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Worth it? Fuck Yeah!

Seriously, yeah.

Besides, being out as an FA is hilarious.

Remember that a lot of people don't know what the fuck to think when you say something like "I like to have sex with fat chicks, exclusively.".

So when you say it, I recommend you say it as upbeat and jokingly as possible but then back it up with a "for reals" here and there and maybe a "damn girl" with an accompanied "dat ass" face. (google that shit)

The point is, people are dumb and will follow you in their opinion of what ever so when you say "I like fatties" say it with a smile and an erection and I'm sure your friends will see it as a perfectly natural and healthy thing; you know, like sucking toes.
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:00 PM   #23
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"dat ass" face. (google that shit)
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:02 PM   #24
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thanks, dude
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:02 AM   #25
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Yeah I know how you feel mate. My parents are the same. (Or were, as I only have one parent now) But my mum doesn't like the girls i date. I stopped bring dates home cos i got sick of the negative comments. In year 10, I fancied the biggest chick in the school. She was so hot and years later I ended up with her for a while. Anyway she was the target of bullying and so was I for being her friend. Also for me at work my boss and his family are the biggest fat haters i have ever met and are often having a heated discussion about the latest fat person they saw, as if, "how dare they be fat?" Once my bosses wife asked me upon finding out I had a new girlfriend, Is she a heffer too? And I just said "your idea of a heffer and mine are very different" I have never had any more trouble. You see, it is not necessary to TELL every one you like fat girls, because it is obvious, and they can see for themselves. Thats the way I prefer it to be. If they ask I will say something witty to get them off. But some of my mates dont talk to me anymore. I find now I cant get on with any guys my age, and I prefer the company of girls anyway, big or small. So i guess I am only half out of the closet too because I don't tell every one. I have my fare share of grievances about being an FA as well. Maybe one day I will be as comfortable with who I am as I would like. It would help if there were more like minded people around though and not just stuck on the other side of this bloody computer screen (despite desperate attempts to shake them out) Anyway just my 2 cents on this
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