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Old 08-06-2009, 05:55 PM   #1
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Default What Happened To My Spunkiness?

This is an idea from another thread, it really started me thinking,"What happened to that risk taking, spunky, give 'em hell girl I used to be? As another poster noted, I feel invisible now. Is it a midlife crisis, did I just stop caring, have I outgrown that need? I don't know but I miss her and I'd like to find her again. I know I'm not alone....
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:04 PM   #2
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Lol, I don't feel that way at all and I am screaming up on my 41st birthday in three weeks. I feel saner now....much more aware, wiser and alive now.
It took me a long time to get to this place...it's what I have been working towards.
I don't miss the insecurity/self-doubt, self-abuse and general craziness of my past days. The old saying about being as young as we feel- it's true.

I don't need funky clothes, wild hair or a hot car to get attention now. I know exactly who it is I am looking to impress now...if anyone.....and they are sometimes dressed as boring as I am
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:14 PM   #3
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steely, you can still be spunky! your spunk is in there! it is just buried under the stress, responsibility and every other thing that we take on as our lives progress...

every once in awhile you need to spunk out! do an activity you would not normally do...go somewhere new...buy something a little funkier than you normally would...you don't have to do the goofy stuff we did as kids with weird colored hair or the high drama...it's just a matter of little changes that make you break out of your routine!

i am dragging the spunky outta you this weekend girl!
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:15 PM   #4
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ps. gef if this is you mellow..you must have been uber spunky as a youth!
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:17 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by bobbleheaddoll View Post
steely, you can still be spunky! your spunk is in there! it is just buried under the stress, responsibility and every other thing that we take on as our lives progress...

every once in awhile you need to spunk out! do an activity you would not normally do...go somewhere new...buy something a little funkier than you normally would...you don't have to do the goofy stuff we did as kids with weird colored hair or the high drama...it's just a matter of little changes that make you break out of your routine!

i am dragging the spunky outta you this weekend girl!
I think this is valuable advice- do something different...and do it JUST FOR YOU
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Old 08-06-2009, 07:19 PM   #6
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Lol, I don't feel that way at all and I am screaming up on my 41st birthday in three weeks. I feel saner now....much more aware, wiser and alive now.
It took me a long time to get to this place...it's what I have been working towards.
I don't miss the insecurity/self-doubt, self-abuse and general craziness of my past days. The old saying about being as young as we feel- it's true.

I don't need funky clothes, wild hair or a hot car to get attention now. I know exactly who it is I am looking to impress now...if anyone.....and they are sometimes dressed as boring as I am
Got you beat, my 41st birthday is next Thursday. It's not even a matter of being outrageous, or the hair, it's not on the outside, it's inside. I don't have insecurity or self doubt, I know who I am.

It's choices and decisions that I make now are completely different than I used to make. I guess it's maturity. Making the decisions that benefit my life as a whole. I guess I just miss those jump in the car trips to the beach, letting things go, not being so responsible.

It may be burn out, after taking care of my husband and his illness's for the past 8 years, maybe I'm just burned out. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe the me I could've been. I don't know, late night ramblings of a middle aged nut burger. LOL
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Old 08-06-2009, 07:24 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by bobbleheaddoll View Post
steely, you can still be spunky! your spunk is in there! it is just buried under the stress, responsibility and every other thing that we take on as our lives progress...

every once in awhile you need to spunk out! do an activity you would not normally do...go somewhere new...buy something a little funkier than you normally would...you don't have to do the goofy stuff we did as kids with weird colored hair or the high drama...it's just a matter of little changes that make you break out of your routine!

i am dragging the spunky outta you this weekend girl!
This is good advice, too. I rarely do things for myself. I take care of everything and everybody. I guess I'm stuck in a rut. Well, I will be going back to work in a few weeks maybe that will break me out of that rut.
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Old 08-06-2009, 07:27 PM   #8
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Got you beat, my 41st birthday is next Thursday. It's not even a matter of being outrageous, or the hair, it's not on the outside, it's inside. I don't have insecurity or self doubt, I know who I am.

It's choices and decisions that I make now are completely different than I used to make. I guess it's maturity. Making the decisions that benefit my life as a whole. I guess I just miss those jump in the car trips to the beach, letting things go, not being so responsible.

It may be burn out, after taking care of my husband and his illness's for the past 8 years, maybe I'm just burned out. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe the me I could've been. I don't know, late night ramblings of a middle aged nut burger. LOL
Being tired, feeling drained....I understand that.....and now have a more clear picture of what you are saying. Michelle's advice...it was good. Do something different....something you have always wanted to do. What have you always wanted to learn? Is there a class you could take? A particular book to read? Would getting your hair or nails done make you feel pampered?
How about joining a local group to make new friends?

I think you are onto something about the "always taking care of others and losing yourself". It happens.....and now you have to find you again. She's there......no worries
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:40 PM   #9
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Got you beat, my 41st birthday is next Thursday. It's not even a matter of being outrageous, or the hair, it's not on the outside, it's inside. I don't have insecurity or self doubt, I know who I am.

It's choices and decisions that I make now are completely different than I used to make. I guess it's maturity. Making the decisions that benefit my life as a whole. I guess I just miss those jump in the car trips to the beach, letting things go, not being so responsible.

It may be burn out, after taking care of my husband and his illness's for the past 8 years, maybe I'm just burned out. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe the me I could've been. I don't know, late night ramblings of a middle aged nut burger. LOL
I feel the same way. I used to do things without having a second thought and everything was tinged with that feeling of being young and impervious (in the sense that I was living in a bubble of self importance). I miss that feeling - minus the self importance, but then I also like not giving a rats about what people think about what I wear, or what I do.

I am comfortable about my size now too and I did not have that in my young and impervious days! I think it is a combo of age, life and the fact that society is youth obsessed. You are over the hill before you're 25 these days I turned 41 in April by the way.....
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Old 08-07-2009, 04:54 AM   #10
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I feel the same way. I used to do things without having a second thought and everything was tinged with that feeling of being young and impervious (in the sense that I was living in a bubble of self importance). I miss that feeling - minus the self importance, but then I also like not giving a rats about what people think about what I wear, or what I do.

I am comfortable about my size now too and I did not have that in my young and impervious days! I think it is a combo of age, life and the fact that society is youth obsessed. You are over the hill before you're 25 these days I turned 41 in April by the way.....
You beat me! I know what you're saying, perhaps it is a trade off. I used to feel that there was so much to look forward to, now it's just being steady and responsible. Accepting of the fact that you are who you are and it is what it is. Life creeps on in this petty pace from day to day. I think I need to get out more.
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:22 AM   #11
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You beat me! I know what you're saying, perhaps it is a trade off. I used to feel that there was so much to look forward to, now it's just being steady and responsible. Accepting of the fact that you are who you are and it is what it is. Life creeps on in this petty pace from day to day. I think I need to get out more.
I have started to do just that, I took up a painting class which I love. I was feeling really flat, always doing the same thing. Maybe that is the trick to getting back some pep. I am always amused by how invisible I do feel sometimes though, it's ironic considering how huge I really am
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:46 AM   #12
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I have started to do just that, I took up a painting class which I love. I was feeling really flat, always doing the same thing. Maybe that is the trick to getting back some pep. I am always amused by how invisible I do feel sometimes though, it's ironic considering how huge I really am
This is the perfect statement, How can I possibly feel invisible when I can be spotted from the moon? LOL I need to find something else to focus on. I could possibly volunteer or something. Anything to help someone else would be a positive thing. I know it's supposed to be for me but maybe it could be both. Hmmm....
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:42 AM   #13
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I used to be someone who took risks but that is all but gone now. In spring I would wear something daring or do something daring with my hair and by summer everybody was doing it. lol I've gotten so that now I don't want any attention drawn to me.

Last fall I wore boots. They weren't remarkable at all. Sit down, take a pencil, draw a picture of a boot - that's what they looked like. Plain knee boots. I wore them to work and you would have though I was dressed like an astronaut. I got double takes everywhere. People I know reared back and said, "Woah!! Check out those boots!" After the third overreaction I was livid. I never wore them again. What the hell's the matter with me? I never used to be that retiring. But then again, seriously... wtf!!! They were a pair of boots. This is New England, everybody wears boots. What, do I need a special permit to wear boots or something?
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Old 08-07-2009, 07:12 AM   #14
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I used to be someone who took risks but that is all but gone now. In spring I would wear something daring or do something daring with my hair and by summer everybody was doing it. lol I've gotten so that now I don't want any attention drawn to me.

Last fall I wore boots. They weren't remarkable at all. Sit down, take a pencil, draw a picture of a boot - that's what they looked like. Plain knee boots. I wore them to work and you would have though I was dressed like an astronaut. I got double takes everywhere. People I know reared back and said, "Woah!! Check out those boots!" After the third overreaction I was livid. I never wore them again. What the hell's the matter with me? I never used to be that retiring. But then again, seriously... wtf!!! They were a pair of boots. This is New England, everybody wears boots. What, do I need a special permit to wear boots or something?
Just say something like, "YEAH, I'M A HO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?" or something.

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Old 08-07-2009, 07:38 AM   #15
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Wow, can I relate to this. I think for me, it happened when I settled down.. I met my husband and got married, decided to start saving money for a condo, and making grown up decisions.

I've always told my friends that when I turned 30 it was the best thing ever...that I've felt more confident, and happier than I ever have. And it's true. But I think that for me, with that happiness and confidence and acceptance has come a bit of complacency, and a feeling of being content. Life isn't full of the adventures of 20-something-hood anymore, and I feel that while I'm am happier in my 30's, I've lost and really miss a part of myself. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel fun, I don't feel like there is a reason for anything I do.

I started school, taking all kinds of classes, picking up hobbies, volunteering...you name it..to try to recapture some of that spark I feel like I've lost. I'm enjoying all of it, but I haven't managed to get that feeling back yet.

And I'm by no means unhappy, I just feel like there's a big piece of me that's missing.
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Old 08-07-2009, 08:29 AM   #16
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Wow, can I relate to this. I think for me, it happened when I settled down.. I met my husband and got married, decided to start saving money for a condo, and making grown up decisions.

I've always told my friends that when I turned 30 it was the best thing ever...that I've felt more confident, and happier than I ever have. And it's true. But I think that for me, with that happiness and confidence and acceptance has come a bit of complacency, and a feeling of being content. Life isn't full of the adventures of 20-something-hood anymore, and I feel that while I'm am happier in my 30's, I've lost and really miss a part of myself. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel fun, I don't feel like there is a reason for anything I do.

I started school, taking all kinds of classes, picking up hobbies, volunteering...you name it..to try to recapture some of that spark I feel like I've lost. I'm enjoying all of it, but I haven't managed to get that feeling back yet.

And I'm by no means unhappy, I just feel like there's a big piece of me that's missing.
The bolded part is exactly how I feel.

I am 100% happy in my marriage...about 80% happy with where I live (I'm slowly getting there!!!! lol) But a HUGE part of me is gone.

The independent spontaneous I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck-what-you-think girl is gone

I hardly wear make up because once I hit 30 my good skin ran away and got married and Mr bad skin took up residence on my face!! If I wear make up for 1 day my face is red and blotchy for 2 weeks afterwards So I don't make the effort usually.

I don't know if it is age, circumstance, weight gain or a combination of all of the 3, but I have lost myself. I actually wrote a poem about losing myself somewhere in Heathrow airport because I feel like when I landed in this country I became an entirely different person. And it's kinda depressing. When I lived in Boise I thought I was the coolest thing since sliced bread...and I had friends who made me feel that way as well. Here...I don't have that. I've slowly made some good friends...but because I am mostly housebound in the country (everywhere requires miles of walking) I don't get out much and I'm a boring bump on the couch.

I'm hoping this will change when my situation changes a little. I feel like that spunky girl is still in there somewhere...she's just resting up for the big coming out party
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:11 AM   #17
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I was crazy in my teens. The living personification of "Don't Give A Fuck". When I became pregnant, I made the choice to calm down some and I got married. I was still fun, just not reckless. But yes, I went so far in the opposite direction, turning myself into the semi-quintessential Mom, Wife, Employee and the subset of those there in, that I lost nearly everything that made me, ME. I did not recognize myself any more.

I realized one day I had not written a poem in nearly twenty years. TWENTY YEARS. I picked up my pen again. And the first poem I wrote after such a hiatus? Somewhere. I have since written over 400 poems in the past five years since I started writing again. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was the first of many steps in reclaiming me. I will never be as bad and as bold as I was in my late teens/early 20's, aging is aging after all, but after a few unexpected life changes I can say that I have reclaimed the core bravado of me. It's just tempered with a little maturity. Here's an extreme example but a fitting one: If you had told me as little as ten years ago, I'd voluntarily pose naked on the internet, I'd have cussed you out royally for insulting my intelligence. After all who'd want to see naked fat woman as something other than jokes or freaks? Can you say Adipositivity.com and Dimensionsmagazine.com anyone? I think we all know the answer to that question.

The above advice of doing just one thing for yourself and only yourself is the key. I will just add, you can't just do it once, you have to continue with it or you may wind right back in the same rut you're trying to figure your way out of now. Also note, the more out of your "normal" routine it takes you, be prepared for potential backlash. You're just not breaking your own mold, but also that nice quiet category which your family has placed you in as well. They as well as you will have to readjust your respective mindsets as to who were and who you are working towards being and it's an ongoing process. When every one sees (especially when you feel) how much happier you are, soon enough the unusual becomes your norm.

For me it started with promising myself to get my nails done regularly and writing a simple poem now and then. Yes, very simple things, but oh so important at that time and build on from there. All the rest slowly takes place as far as you need it to.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:20 AM   #18
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For me it started with promising myself to get my nails done regularly and writing a simple poem now and then. Yes, very simple things, but oh so important at that time and build on from there. All the rest slowly takes place as far as you need it to.
Yes. And, yes

I can't afford to pamper myself as I'd like to be pampered, with massages and facials and frequent pedi/manicures, etc. But I do make it a point to indulge in at least one of these things at least once a month. The money could definitely be spent elsewhere, even at that ... but if I don't make ME a priority, nobody else will. My husband has the best of intentions, but it would never occur to him to ask me to take a break, far less tell me to go out and spend money. I can't even say how much it helps, to actually schedule some time away from my sweet but oh-so-needy little family. When I'm knee-deep in chores, or reading the same book to my toddler for the zillionth time in the last hour, or sitting at my desk and watching someone in despair who is struggling not to fall completely apart (thankfully, these are not my problems but it is draining to deal with other people's issues on a daily basis) I will think about how on Saturday, I'm going to spend 5 hours in Barnes & Noble, with nothing on my agenda but a cup of really good espresso and my only problem for that afternoon is going to be which book to buy with the $20 I've set aside.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:24 AM   #19
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... but if I don't make ME a priority, nobody else will. My husband has the best of intentions, but it would never occur to him to ask me to take a break, far less tell me to go out and spend money.
I think they purposely left that chapter out of the "how to be a prefect hubby" book, cos mine doesn't either....He doesn't pamper me like I pamper him and sometimes it irritates me and then I remember he is a man and a lot of men, not all....are too into their needs and wants to realise they should be giving as much as they are getting.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:33 AM   #20
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I think they purposely left that chapter out of the "how to be a prefect hubby" book, cos mine doesn't either....He doesn't pamper me like I pamper him and sometimes it irritates me and then I remember he is a man and a lot of men, not all....are too into their needs and wants to realise they should be giving as much as they are getting.
We used to fight about that ... a lot. I'd feel resentful because I was carrying what I thought was well over 50% of the load. Then one day I realized (with some help, frankly ... ) that I was expecting him to read my mind, because *I* felt so attuned to his needs, and I felt he should be to mine as well. He's not. He's just ... not. So rather than fighting about it, or feeling resentful, I started telling him exactly what I want & need from him. He's wonderful about making sure that these things happen, so long as he knows what I'm asking for. It would be nice, if one day he just suddenly realized that while I'm cooking a meal, keeping an eye on our child, cleaning as I go, and he's upstairs with a beer and the remote .... hey ... maybe it's time to do a load of laundry! Not going to happen. So I just ask, nicely, and it gets done.
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:38 PM   #21
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This is the perfect statement, How can I possibly feel invisible when I can be spotted from the moon? LOL I need to find something else to focus on. I could possibly volunteer or something. Anything to help someone else would be a positive thing. I know it's supposed to be for me but maybe it could be both. Hmmm....
Isn't that funny, I can be spotted from the moon too Volunteering is a fantastic idea steely, win win on both sides.....yes
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:24 PM   #22
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I think for me there was a shift in me a number of years ago. I have always been defined by roles;wife,daughter mother Khokum, friend, boss whatever and felt that people didn't see the real Ruth and yes there are days I still feel like this. However I think that somewhere in my mid thirties after going through a particularly rough time where I felt like a victim I decided to step up the spunk a little more. I wrote in a journal, took more education, studied under an elder, sought advice from good friends..etc. As a result let me share a couple of stories;
Recently two of my closest friends (guys) introduced me to another friend of theirs at the bar by saying " This is Ruth, she is a real bitch" and then laughed. At first I was taken a back and then after some thought-I realized that this was a real compliment to me. At one part in my life I used to be a real doormat. Would do things just to be popular, to please people, not say anything to rock the boat and so on. Both of these guys have been my friends for a number of years and have seen me making those changes little bit by little bit. Facing my fears and doing things I didn't think I could, beginning to believe in all that I am and could be and standing for myself.

And also I was in the tire shop my son works in after getting some work done on our van that cost us thirteen hundred bucks. I wanted to know the warranty on the work and when no one at the front could tell me I said someone better find out and call us and just know even though the work was contracted out if something goes wrong I will be back here to visit you fellas and so on. The guys at break asked Rob how it is that his parents were together. Rob replied saying well they love each other and have been married for almost 24 years now. He said to my son "No your dad is unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself and your mom well your mom just wants to be heard."

The old me would have been offended by these stories. After putting allot of work into myself and moving forward they are right. I am a nice person but can be a real bitch if you mess with me and yes oh yes I want to be heard.
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Old 08-08-2009, 06:25 PM   #23
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Had a dinner meet up this evening with Steely (Amy), Bobbleheaddoll (Michelle), TheatrmuseKara (Kara) and myself.....and we decided that this thread needs to be renamed "How Steely Got Her Spunk Back"

We talked about this thread over dinner and Michelle urged Amy to try on some lip color to see how it made her feel....we all wound up donating a lip color for Amy to try. We thought the first one she tried out was best....so Michelle gave it to her to keep. It was nice how it turned into a kind of "girls night out".

Some pics.....
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:04 PM   #24
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Lovely photos, I love seeing pics of everyone seeing as how I will probably never get to meet any of you. So this is the next best thing None of you GEF?
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Old 08-08-2009, 08:01 PM   #25
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Lovely photos, I love seeing pics of everyone seeing as how I will probably never get to meet any of you. So this is the next best thing None of you GEF?

All the other pictures from dinner are in this thread

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo....php?p=1247110
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It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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