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Old 08-12-2009, 03:29 AM   #26
Eclectic_Girl
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Originally Posted by CrankySpice View Post
I find it very interesting that two of the FA responses here equate "confidence" with a nice wardrobe and an interest in make-up/hairstyle.

As a woman, I would say that those particular traits aren't associated with confidence - I've known plenty of snappy dressers with the entire hair/nails/make-up package that are sorely lacking in confidence.

Likewise, I know several "plain" women who perhaps dress more for comfort than style or who don't care to take the time for fancy hairstyles or make-up who just absolutely ooze confidence.
Yes. This.

Many of the women I have known who have the whole Societally Approved Feminine Packaging thing going on are deeply insecure. They use the high-maintenance regimen as a hard candy shell or mask that keeps people from seeing the real them, perhaps because they haven't taken the time to figure out who that is or perhaps because they know who that is and they are afraid of other people's judgment. I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it; I'm talking about women who run errands and do laundry in full makeup because they think they look hideous without it.

Be careful about confusing presentation with confidence. I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to dress more "classy" and wear more makeup and it served to damage my innate confidence rather than build it up. I have a personal style, and it works for me. It didn't work for him, and that's one of the many reasons he's an ex.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a preference for a woman whose personal style tends more toward the dressy than the casual. Just don't assume that those of us who prefer cardigans to blazers and cotton pants to polyester skirts are lacking in the confidence department.

Also,

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Originally Posted by Observer View Post
2. Willing to go anywhere or do anything she likes with her SO (beach, dinner, concert, visiting relatives etc) without being held back by size considerations
For some of us, size is a consideration because of comfort, not confidence. In fact, it takes confidence to recognize that some place might not be prepared for someone of our size and either arrange for accommodations to be made or suggest a more comfortable alternative. To do that unapologetically, a woman has to be able to know herself, know the realities of her situation, and not internalize any judgment from others about her "deviation from the norm". That, to me, is what it means to be a confident fat chick.
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Old 08-17-2009, 01:05 AM   #27
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Signs of BBW confidence -
1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone

2. Willing to go anywhere or do anything she likes with her SO (beach, dinner, concert, visiting relatives etc) without being held back by size considerations

3. Having a wardrobe that looks classy

4. Being able to eat what she wants in a restaurant without apologizing

5. Able to deflect well-meant but unwanted advice on her size without feeling guilty

6. Ability to accept sincere compliments and praise of her SO as being genuine and merited.

7. Abiity to look herself in a mirrror naked and not feel guilty or ashamed.
#4, #5, #6 & #7. Yes, yes, yes and yes. Those are said better than I could have said them.
Though I would add that when I, personally, say I'd prefer a "confident fat women," I mean to say I prefer a fat women who enjoys being fat, with and without its [negative attributes (in that persons eyes)].
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:27 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Eclectic_Girl View Post
Yes. This.

Many of the women I have known who have the whole Societally Approved Feminine Packaging thing going on are deeply insecure. They use the high-maintenance regimen as a hard candy shell or mask that keeps people from seeing the real them, perhaps because they haven't taken the time to figure out who that is or perhaps because they know who that is and they are afraid of other people's judgment. I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it; I'm talking about women who run errands and do laundry in full makeup because they think they look hideous without it.

Be careful about confusing presentation with confidence. I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to dress more "classy" and wear more makeup and it served to damage my innate confidence rather than build it up. I have a personal style, and it works for me. It didn't work for him, and that's one of the many reasons he's an ex.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a preference for a woman whose personal style tends more toward the dressy than the casual. Just don't assume that those of us who prefer cardigans to blazers and cotton pants to polyester skirts are lacking in the confidence department.

Also,



For some of us, size is a consideration because of comfort, not confidence. In fact, it takes confidence to recognize that some place might not be prepared for someone of our size and either arrange for accommodations to be made or suggest a more comfortable alternative. To do that unapologetically, a woman has to be able to know herself, know the realities of her situation, and not internalize any judgment from others about her "deviation from the norm". That, to me, is what it means to be a confident fat chick.
i can understand exactly what you mean. but i also understand what the posters you quoted meant too. i just think its much easier, along with the other traits they mentioned, to recognize someone who is confident if they take a lot of care with thier appearance. i'm not sure the posters menat a full on plastic coating. to them it might mean that you don't take yourself out of the context of other women. people feel the exact same way about thin women who aren't interested in how they look. and , unfortunately for them too they pay a price. they make less money, get fewer promotions because they don't seem to exude confidence that they (the company too) can benefit from. after all most people never have the time to know everyone intimately and to assess them. all you know initially is that you need a certian type of person in your life--as an employee or a date. when most people see someone dressed as though they care they see someone who feels good enough about themselves to put themselves out there to compete and not to be afraid of it. it might not be true but thats what it says to people.

a lot of women aren't into fashion. and thats ok too. but that doesn't equate to looking like a person who doesn't care about themselves. people just prefer being around people they feel are pleasant to look at. its just more cheerful when people dress in ways that most people would find attractive. it also says you care about pleasing other people at least some of the time. if a woman does not feel dressing that way is important it also probably doesn't matter much to her how other people really feel about who she is anyway. its just one tool she doesn't care to use. but other women might use the tool. that doesn't make them insecure either. it depends on the individual person. its just the way they chose to manage thier life. everyone has to face the consequences of what they put out there.

unfortunately women who don't seem to take care of themselves give the impression that they aren't confident because that is also one of the characteristics people also see in people who are depressed--when they just give up. a lot of fat women who aren't interested in thier personal appearance are depressed and do lack confidence. and unfortunately that spills out onto other women who just choose to live more simply. its not fair but its reality. i don't feel that a woman really has to give up on her appearance just for the sake of comfort though. there are a lot of comfortable and easy things to wear without giving the impression that her appearance is not one of a woman's considerations at all.

i just don't feel that its a bad thing for men to admit they like looking at that when thats what they like to see in a woman--as far as an outward appearance of confidence. i think its honest to admit the feeling they get from seeing a well put together fat woman-- at least initially. for a long time there weren't very many who were taken care of just because of the reality of finding nice looking comfortable clothing. but thankfully its changing. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your thinking either. i think that maybe some of them just got tired of seeing fat women who look like they had given up--whether she had or hadn't. it can be depressing. of course its only surface but often people only have surface to deal with in the very beginning. also maybe a guy also might have a problem with the idea of dealing with a woman who is confident but doesn't look like she is? maybe he wants it to be more obvious that she likes herself? maybe there is something about looking like you don't want to lose weight and you are happy as you are? sure is very surface but the indication is there and some people want a more public indication.

but there are other guys who are attracted to the complete opposite. they feel women who project themselves simply are the best and that shows more confidence. so i guess it really depends on personalities and who you ask. neither is wrong but just what is important to different people. i think its mostly about having compatable ideas with the person you are with than anything else when it comes to appearance. if you like dressing its good to be with someone who likes that and if you don't is important to be with someone who likes simplicity. i think being aware of yourself enough not to try to become something just for someone else is extremely important --exactly as you said. you are like me. if someone told me i HAD to dress down to be respected by him i wouldn't be with him either. it would mess with my head too. i pay a price for enjoying dressing as well. a lot of other people may think i'm fake just because i like all of that girlie stuff until they get to know me. it has always been a part of my personality. i feel comfortable au naturale and i often do things with out make-up or dressing up. but, i really enjoy fashion etc... and i always have and its a part of who i am that i get real pleasure from. i don't feel forced into it by society. i don't do drugs i don't drink but if i'm stressed out it might help to do my nails

what i can say about it is that unfair as it is i get a real benefit from dressing. people see it as an outward confirmation. its not right. its not fair. a lot of women who are a lot more intelligent and than i am and more confident than i am have lost out just because of the perception people get from how i present myself. its messed up but to a large extent thats the reality of how i get seen because of how i dress.

Last edited by superodalisque; 08-17-2009 at 07:55 AM.
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Old 08-18-2009, 04:44 PM   #29
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Yes. As I said in my post above, "I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it." Some people have a personal style that is more fashion-oriented, others not so much. I would agree that there is a certain level of presentablility (clothes are clean, unstained, with no holes or rips) that bespeaks "putting forth an effort" in one's appearance.

I think where you live and what you do for a living influences this as well. If you have a job in the city where you are meeting the public/customers on a regular basis, you are more likely to have developed a personal style that is more conscious of how others perceive you. If, like me, you have a job in a rural/hippie state working with computer nerds, a formal personal style would stick out like a sore thumb. Where I work, only the women in marketing wear a noticeable amount of makeup, and many of us wear no makeup at all on a regular basis. I'm used to being judged by the quality and presentation of what I write, not what I wear. And if my casual style has meant that I've lost out on some high-flying job in the city, I'm okay with that because I'm being true to myself.

Having said that, and more to the original point that was made since most FAs would be meeting me in a social rather than work situation, when I go to a dance in Boston, I definitely make more of an effort and dress up. But that, to me, is not about confidence - it's about knowing that different situations call for different attire.
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Old 08-18-2009, 08:50 PM   #30
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for example if i was going to drug and molest a girl she would have to be so confident with herself that she in fact takes over and rapes me instead

then kicks my half-conscious body out of her car outside the women's shelter and dares me to tattle "to the men's shelter OH WAIT I FORGOT THEY DON'T HAVE SUCH A THING" before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck

i'd probably want a thin girl to do this though so i guess that doesn't have anything to do with the op
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Old 08-18-2009, 09:14 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Observer View Post
Signs of BBW confidence -
1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone

2. Willing to go anywhere or do anything she likes with her SO (beach, dinner, concert, visiting relatives etc) without being held back by size considerations

3. Having a wardrobe that looks classy

4. Being able to eat what she wants in a restaurant without apologizing

5. Able to deflect well-meant but unwanted advice on her size without feeling guilty

6. Ability to accept sincere compliments and praise of her SO as being genuine and merited.

7. Abiity to look herself in a mirrror naked and not feel guilty or ashamed.

Not a bad list but I would tweak 7 to say she could routinely look in the mirror naked or otherwise and think "I'm f***ing hot!"
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Old 08-18-2009, 09:16 PM   #32
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for example if i was going to drug and molest a girl she would have to be so confident with herself that she in fact takes over and rapes me instead

then kicks my half-conscious body out of her car outside the women's shelter and dares me to tattle "to the men's shelter OH WAIT I FORGOT THEY DON'T HAVE SUCH A THING" before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck

i'd probably want a thin girl to do this though so i guess that doesn't have anything to do with the op
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Old 08-18-2009, 11:47 PM   #33
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course not i have a book deal
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:06 AM   #34
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Confidence is a self esteem thing. An entire army of FAs can know a woman is a BBW, but the moment she herself knows she is one, that's confidence. Confidence just means that they do not only accept their body, but also like it, and they don't care if others do or don't.

No amount of makeup or dresses can cover a lack of self esteem (it can help the person in question feel a little bit better about themselves, though). Confidence is one of the most important features a woman can have.
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:10 AM   #35
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[...]before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck.
Although I have no idea what you were on about in the rest of your post, this made me smile. A lot.
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