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Old 08-22-2009, 02:37 PM   #1
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Im pretty sure my son is gay..I could be wrong but my clues are..he has been looking at gay teen feet on u tube..I see in the history that he watches this alot..I clicked on one and it looks harmless but Im pretty sure he is gay..I actually asked him and he was frozen in fear and couldnt answer me..I didnt know if that was right or wrong. to ask that question.he is 13..he knows that I used to go to gay bars and have alot of gay friends..also he knows that I will support him no matter what..I asked him because I didnt want him to ever feel that he couldnt talk to me about how he is feeling..what do you think I should do if anything..my concern is I just dont want pressure to make him take his life or something..I want him to feel he has me as his rock..I really didnt want this for him because it can be a hard life,just as I dont want my daughter to be fat because it is a hard life but in either case Im here for both of them..does anyone have a gay child..Im bi sexual myself so I understand kinda..also I try to shy away from asking questions like how many children do you want because I dont want him to feel like this is something he has to do..does anyone understand where Im comming from? Im trying to keep in mind that vidio I saw that Mergirl posted about the seminar ...Help please
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Old 08-22-2009, 03:16 PM   #2
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I'm not a parent (nor a gay teenager), but FWIW, I think the best thing to do would be to not press the issue. He could be gay, but it's also very possible that he's questioning (or maybe he's into feet). Hell, I'm 25 and I still question my sexual orientation from time to time. If you're giving him a home environment where he feels loved and supported, and make it clear that there is nothing wrong or shameful about being queer, that's the most important thing. If he is in fact gay, he will come out to you when he feels comfortable.

There are some great resources out there for families of LGBT people; I would recommend checking out PFLAG.
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Old 08-22-2009, 04:01 PM   #3
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Yeah, i would say, just being there and him knowing that you would support him is enough. There is a gay parents thread here somewhere i think and there are some people talking about thier gay kids. Also, the link that SW gave is a good one. Good luck. Try not to worry. xx
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Old 08-23-2009, 04:08 AM   #4
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I think it's an invasion of your son's privacy to be looking at his web history. Yes it's your computer and yes no doubt you pay for the electricity and web service, but to me it's like reading a kid's diary. Even though you pay the mortgage on the house and pay for the dresser where she hides it and probably paid for the diary itself, I still think you should not be looking at her private activity.

Same with the web browsing. Sexuality is a private matter.

I think the best thing to do is maintain a co-parenting environment where your child knows he is supported, respected, and accepted no matter what his sexuality may be. I would not ask him directly, but rather make it clear he may speak to you or his dad at any time, about anything.
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Old 08-24-2009, 06:30 AM   #5
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With my son it was a matter of letting him know that it wouldn't matter to me if he was gay. He saw me with my bisexual and lesbian friends over the years and we always had an open relationship where he could talk to me about what he was thinking or feeling. I too worry about the extra issues he will have to face as a gay man in a community where there are not very many openly gay folks, but just need to be there to love and support him through life. In my job as a youth worker I deal with kids who feel pressure from their parents regarding their sexuality, and it means they turn to someone else rather than you. Maybe a follow up conversation saying that you asked out of concern and that you kow this is a time where you are figuring everything out and developing who you are which is a hard thing. Just say I was trying to let you know that I am here for you and you can come to me and maybe I didn't let you know that in the best way ok? and then let the matter drop. When he is ready he will let you know and keep in mind that may be years from now.
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Old 08-24-2009, 07:08 AM   #6
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I think it's an invasion of your son's privacy to be looking at his web history. Yes it's your computer and yes no doubt you pay for the electricity and web service, but to me it's like reading a kid's diary. Even though you pay the mortgage on the house and pay for the dresser where she hides it and probably paid for the diary itself, I still think you should not be looking at her private activity.
It is her job as a parent to make sure her kid is safe. There are far too many predators online and a child especially a 13 year old child is being pulled in so many directions it would be terribly easy for someone to take advantage of him, ESPECIALLY if he's confused about his sexual identity (which I'm not saying he is). I wouldn't go pointing out to him that she's looking at his web history but I wouldn't stop looking at it either.

FWIW I don't know many teenagers who enjoy talking to their parents about sex or what type of person they find attractive. My son (15 years old) recently approached me with a girl problem and I was dumbfounded, but happy that he was comfortable enough to approach me with it.

Just let your son know that you are there for him if he ever has questions or needs to talk about anything. Let him know that you love him unconditionally, which it sounds like you already have.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:24 AM   #7
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JMO but you have every right to know just what your child is looking at on the internet.Their saftey IS your job as a parent.
It was around that age I figured out I was very different from most of my friends.I liked both sexes and was quite confused.
My Mom asked me that same Q are you gay?I told her I wasn't sure and she said honey its OK if you are so if you ever want to talk about how you feel I'm here.
That took the pressure off and gave me the space needed to figure it all out.
So just knowing you are there for him is about the best you can do for now.
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:41 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by LoveBHMS View Post
I think it's an invasion of your son's privacy to be looking at his web history. Yes it's your computer and yes no doubt you pay for the electricity and web service, but to me it's like reading a kid's diary. Even though you pay the mortgage on the house and pay for the dresser where she hides it and probably paid for the diary itself, I still think you should not be looking at her private activity.

Same with the web browsing. Sexuality is a private matter.

I think the best thing to do is maintain a co-parenting environment where your child knows he is supported, respected, and accepted no matter what his sexuality may be. I would not ask him directly, but rather make it clear he may speak to you or his dad at any time, about anything.

Correct me if I'm wrong...but he's 13. I would follow all these fine ladies advice about being there for him no matter what, and worrying more about being a support than knowing for sure. I didn't even WANT to date at that age, let alone know who I was attracted to sexually. He's just a kid still... what is that, 7th grade? Not many teens, especially that young, would be ready to really discus that sort of thing with a parent. It's the begining of the 'too cool for you' phase.

As for internet. Sexuality is NOT a private matter if it's a child. There is nothing wrong with policing what content your kids are looking at. I sure as hell want to know what kind of ideas they are looking for. Think of all the strange stuff teens can and do make/look up online. Pro-anorexia stuff, hate groups, pornography, extreme violence, or just could be talking to some pedo or something. I wish my parents had been more aware of what I saw at that age. Maybe less kids would fall into unhealthy behaviors early in life.

If he is gay, eventually he will tell you if you continue your awesome support. Please keep all that interest in his life and you two will be buddies forever!
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:54 AM   #9
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Even if the jury is still out and your son isn't you might want to check http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=539 ?

I'd like to think my Mom wouldn't have screened my browser history (if we'd had computers back then) but I understand why you did it. It was a poor way for him to find out though and you should expect he'll be more careful of leaving tracks from now on.
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Old 08-24-2009, 12:53 PM   #10
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It's probably not safe for a 13 year old to have unrestricted access to the internet. You might want to look into activating the parental locks on your browser.
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:01 PM   #11
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It's probably not safe for a 13 year old to have unrestricted access to the internet. You might want to look into activating the parental locks on your browser.
Would parental locks stop him from accessing lgbt youth sights?? I have heard of this.
I knew i was gay when i was about 13/14 so i think its pretty much the age when we are begining to know..even if we dont quiiite know.
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:11 PM   #12
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Would parental locks stop him from accessing lgbt youth sights?? I have heard of this.
Unlikely but always possible. Filters are getting better but of course aren't perfect. Some stuff you don't want can sometimes get through and stuff you do want can get blocked. I believe you can still okay sites on case by case basis though if a site you want gets blocked. I would still activate them if I had kids that age. 13 is way too young, in my opinion, to have unrestricted/unsupervised access to the internet.
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:20 PM   #13
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The worst thing you could possibly do is press the issue with him. 13-year-old kids don't what their sexuality is yet and trying to talk with them about it would just make them embarrassed. I would just tell him vaguely that there's nothing wrong with being gay and leave it at that.

Also, I want to stress that you shouldn't just assume that your son is gay. It's normal for a kid that age to be curious about sexuality and even look at homosexual related things, but even if he is gay he won't know for several more years. He could just be trying to figure himself out.
I know when I was his age I went through a time where I was trying to figure out if I was gay. I'm not, but at that age I was confused about sexuality in general as our many young teenagers.
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:35 PM   #14
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Actually it was a while ago that I talked to him about it and since then he continues to look at the vidio's..
The content on the vidio's really has no sex and it seems quite harmless..if it was grafic then that would be a different story..
As for the comment about invading his privacy..well....lol..you see Im accountable for his actions untill he is 18 so untill he is 18 I will watch him like a mother cub..I remember when I was his age I was something else ..the things I got into..I was being molested at that age and no one knew it,by a man at the christian school that I went to...so I dont want anything like that to happen to him..also I watch to catch a preditor and I have him watch some of it as well to show him that grown men and women usually are on the teen sites looking for young kids..I want him to see first hand how it is in the real world
Thanks for all your advice I sure do need it
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:38 PM   #15
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The worst thing you could possibly do is press the issue with him. 13-year-old kids don't what their sexuality is yet and trying to talk with them about it would just make them embarrassed. I would just tell him vaguely that there's nothing wrong with being gay and leave it at that.

Also, I want to stress that you shouldn't just assume that your son is gay. It's normal for a kid that age to be curious about sexuality and even look at homosexual related things, but even if he is gay he won't know for several more years. He could just be trying to figure himself out.
I know when I was his age I went through a time where I was trying to figure out if I was gay. I'm not, but at that age I was confused about sexuality in general as our many young teenagers.
Thank you so much for this post it was very helpful..My son and I have a close realtionship we have always been each others best friends so Im sure it will work out..
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:47 PM   #16
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Actually it was a while ago that I talked to him about it and since then he continues to look at the vidio's..
The content on the vidio's really has no sex and it seems quite harmless..if it was grafic then that would be a different story..
As for the comment about invading his privacy..well....lol..you see Im accountable for his actions untill he is 18 so untill he is 18 I will watch him like a mother cub..I remember when I was his age I was something else ..the things I got into..I was being molested at that age and no one knew it,by a man at the christian school that I went to...so I dont want anything like that to happen to him..also I watch to catch a preditor and I have him watch some of it as well to show him that grown men and women usually are on the teen sites looking for young kids..I want him to see first hand how it is in the real world
Thanks for all your advice I sure do need it
I'm sorry that happened to you. Good on you for watching out for your kid too. I did know by that age i was gay but i also know that a lot of my friends experimented and are now 'straight'. I hate negating queer stereotypes but when i used to teach theatre you could spot many of the gay kids a mile off. So many of the kids i thought were really camp i would end up seeing a few years later in gay clubs.
I think if he was on the site a couple of times i would put it down to curiosity though if it was over a long period of time and he went there a lot i would be more inclined to think it was perhaps something he really was into.
I do tend to agree though that the American pie type parent who is over enthusiastic about knowing thier kids sexuality is usually just embarrising to kids. I totally think that making sure you and your partner talk positively about gay people is a good thing. Do you have any gay friends, which he could see as kinna role models?
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Old 08-24-2009, 02:32 PM   #17
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Actually Mergirl that is a good question and it throws another curve into the story..
I was engaged to be married back when I was like 19 to a guy and after like 2 years together he told me he was gay..it was really hard because I really felt like he was my soul mate and he the same..
So we stayed together as friends always in the gay bars always living together..when I married Devins dad we lived side by side different houses but we have always been joined at the hip..
My friend always had a need to seem straight and through the years after my divorce asked me to marry him a few times..but thats just not the kind of marriage I had in mind..so he raised both my kids meening he was the father figure or an uncle to them.My son Devin and my stepson Shawn..they are brothers same dad..so all of Devins life he has been raised by a gay man and several people let me know that that wasnt a good thing and that Devin would be gay because of the influence..I dont think this is true since My friend never ever let on that he was gay at all..he was ashamed of being gay and tried to act as not gay as possible..even taking the kids to go honey looking at girls..
SO the answer is yes he was raised by a gay man but just in the last 2 months he(my son) asked me if my friend was gay..so I told him the truth and told him who his 14 yr realtionship with his "best friend" that he was really his best friend because they were lovers...
Some say I made a big mistake in letting a gay man raise my kids..
My step son is straight so I have no reason to belive that because he was raised by a gay man that he was effected..but then they say yeah but He took Devin to all the plays on Broadway and now Devin loves Broadway plays..thats a gay thing..thats what I hear now..
MY friend actually moved here to nj with us when I started my new realtionship with Philippe..he lived with us for a year against Philippes wishes so I asked my friend to leave because Philippe and I needed to have a realtionship that was a fresh start for both of us..he now is mad at me and doesnt speak to me and saids "when you are finished with him Ill be here to help pick up the peices"..its been a werid realtionship with my friend ..he just cant seem to let go of what he sees in me as a normal realtionship..I dont know..hope that answers your question
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:22 PM   #18
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Just saying, at 13 I had NO idea what my sexuality was, and having to decide caused me a lot of woe. (It doesn't even fit in the regular tickyboxes now, but at 13, I was only just considering it.)

Also I don't know whether it's right or wrong to look at a 13 year old's browsing history. My parents never did, I would've been absolutely mortified, and I wasn't even looking at porn
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:26 PM   #19
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all of Devins life he has been raised by a gay man and several people let me know that that wasnt a good thing and that Devin would be gay because of the influence.
You should tell the people who say that that it's a rubbish argument. Most gay people have straight parents after all.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:21 AM   #20
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You should tell the people who say that that it's a rubbish argument. Most gay people have straight parents after all.
yessum.. i was just about to type this and noticed you had beat me to it! lol
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:21 AM   #21
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I knew that I liked both girls and boys at the age of 13 and had experimented a little with both sexes. I had a diary, and would have been embarassed if my parents had read it and confronted me about what was written there. However, there is a big difference between looking in someone's diary, and looking at their browsing history. Last time I checked there weren't any pedophiles hiding in my panty drawer pretending to be panties...

Communication, and parental blocks (thanks Jack, you reminded me to go home and set mine!) are about all that can be done at this point.

Oh, and a kid raised by a gay person doesn't automatically become gay. I believe a person is born gay, bi, or straight.
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:56 AM   #22
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It's funny. I was 12/13 ish is when my mom found Dimensions/fat woman "stuff" on my web history

She confronted me about it, asked what was "wrong" with me, and deleted the history. Then told me I was lucky my dad didn't find it, and that i'd better hope she didn't tell him.

I can understand now why she freaked... her kid wasn't just looking at fat people, she was looking at naked fat women. however, I wish she would have approached it more delicately because I ended up keeping everything hidden for a long, long time and I think that's actually why I was so miserable. I felt ashamed of both my body AND my sexuality... and it took me until I was around 17ish to become comfortable in my skin again.

Not trying to scare you, that's not what I mean... I mean that if you're going to approach it, and I think you should, approach is VERY delicately.
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Old 08-25-2009, 08:04 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by KatsPyjamas View Post
Just saying, at 13 I had NO idea what my sexuality was, and having to decide caused me a lot of woe. (It doesn't even fit in the regular tickyboxes now, but at 13, I was only just considering it.)

Also I don't know whether it's right or wrong to look at a 13 year old's browsing history. My parents never did, I would've been absolutely mortified, and I wasn't even looking at porn
I'm a strong believer that people are born gay or straight...so why he may not be able to grasp sexuality he certainly is curious and maybe confused. Most kids know when they're feeling something their friends aren't.

Maybe I watch way too much Dateline but it seems to me the kids that always end up with some predator are the kids who parents aren't paying attention, they are confused and this new "friend" is a lifeline to them.

Donna, I think the majority of the advice here is solid. As long as he knows he can come to you...sometimes that unspoken offer is worth more than the heart to heart.
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Old 08-26-2009, 12:04 PM   #24
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I had a terrible experience of discovering that my parents had been viewing my browser history at age 14, so they knew that I was into gaining and the whole fat fetish thing, and probably that I was gay. The breach of trust left me feeling like I had to hide literally everything from them (and I was already quite a private person to them) to the point where we barely spoke for many years afterwards.

I've only really felt like could I trust them enough to open up to them very recently and actually just came out to my mum a few months ago (I'm 24 and I've known I was gay since I was about 12 or 13, so it delayed that process by about 8 years since I would have told them a the same time I came out to everyone else at 16).

So my advice would be to leave it alone for now. Don't tell him that you've been viewing the browser history and PLEASE stop checking up on him like that. Or at least be extremely discrete about it.

As others have been saying I'd be supportive and let him know that however he turns out you're there for him and you love him. What more can you do, anyhow?
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Old 08-26-2009, 12:13 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Fat Nat View Post
I had a terrible experience of discovering that my parents had been viewing my browser history at age 14, so they knew that I was into gaining and the whole fat fetish thing, and probably that I was gay. The breach of trust left me feeling like I had to hide literally everything from them (and I was already quite a private person to them) to the point where we barely spoke for many years afterwards.

I've only really felt like could I trust them enough to open up to them very recently and actually just came out to my mum a few months ago (I'm 24 and I've known I was gay since I was about 12 or 13, so it delayed that process by about 8 years since I would have told them a the same time I came out to everyone else at 16).

So my advice would be to leave it alone for now. Don't tell him that you've been viewing the browser history and PLEASE stop checking up on him like that. Or at least be extremely discrete about it.

As others have been saying I'd be supportive and let him know that however he turns out you're there for him and you love him. What more can you do, anyhow?

It is a parents responsibility to make sure that their child is safe, there is nothing wrong with her looking at the browser history.
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