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Old 08-23-2009, 12:47 PM   #1
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Default traveling for love

hi everyone

as i read through some of the postings, i noticed a few of the people on here actually did meet through dims. i find this awesome yet it kinda surprised me and made me think of my history of using the internet to date/find friends.

i grew up in a very rural area where the dating pool was not so great. it was not my size hindering my dating ability (the farmers like sturdy, hard working women) just that the choices out there were not what i was seeking. it was not until i went to college and met much more interesting and culturally/socially diverse people that my dating experiences really picked up.

after school i knew i was not going to find my other half in my back yard...and tried the internet thing. i figured the universe is a big place and my someone had to be out there somewhere. while it was very interesting to meet many of the great guys that i did...there seemed to be a lack of willingness to do the work to take it to the next level. we would get along well and when it came time to meet or make plans that involved more than the 'weekend getway' they seemed to wane quickly. alot of guys seem to be looking for someone online, but really only want them if they are local and there is no inconvenience of having to make it work. i abandonded the 'internet for love' thing and now just post for the social interaction of making friends in different areas than my own. i figure the universe will let us cross paths if it is really meant to be...which i guess explains why i love to travel...lol.

which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?

let me know what you think...
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Old 08-23-2009, 03:09 PM   #2
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I'm in the middle of this. At first my boyfriend was going to move here next fall, but then he got an offer for an internship in NYC for his dream job.

I don't really want to live in NYC. Colorado weather is better for my health condition, but I'm not about to let him give up his path and at the same time I really want to be with him permanently.

The key here is both of us are willing to do what it takes to be together which makes it easier to work out and realize we are doing this together.
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Old 08-23-2009, 03:41 PM   #3
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I have found the right guy and yes would be willing to travel and make a change to my life to be with him. And like every girl who is in love, I would hope that he would feel the same way and willing to make that same leap that I would, for us to be together.
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Old 08-23-2009, 05:43 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by bobbleheaddoll View Post
which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?

let me know what you think...
I'm willing to move for love. I would expect him to be willing to do the same.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:01 PM   #5
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I have recently considered it and I can say that I would move.

Someone here in a post on LDRs said that the distance can be overcome and closed down to zero and thus no problem at all (via periodic travel). I think that's genius to a point. When things have moved forward and the question of moving is upon you it's incredibly hard to place that distance between yourself, family and old friends. I it's important to me that we plan for visits back home alone or together and look forward to new friends and the great things about a new place. The new experience can be grand, too.

For us, right now it makes the most sense for me to stay here and welcome my sweetie home when she arrives. No matter the direction, moving is hard and anyone who does it deserves a lot of consideration.

It's important to me that we make our home together and I look forward to those changes.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:13 PM   #6
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Depends.

I don't do long-distance relationships anymore - can't handle - so I would not move to be near a man that was already living somewhere else.

But, if my boyfriend wanted me to move with him to a new town, I probably would. It would really depend on how sure I felt that he was "The One," so most likely, we would have to be engaged or already living together.

Now, I would NEVER move to a new town with a boyfriend if we weren't going to be living together. No thank you.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:40 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by bobbleheaddoll View Post
while it was very interesting to meet many of the great guys that i did...there seemed to be a lack of willingness to do the work to take it to the next level. we would get along well and when it came time to meet or make plans that involved more than the 'weekend getway' they seemed to wane quickly.
Here's my own experience:
As you know, when an academic gets tenure, it means not only a raise but job security for life. It isn't easy to get: it takes six years of teaching, research, and having a significant number of books/articles accepted for publication. Since I started teaching, my department has hired six women in tenure track positions; four of them got tenure. Of those four, three gave up their tenure (and their raises) to start all over somewhere else -- because their husband/boyfriend/S.O. was offered a raise elsewhere. It seems to me that if someone has to make a sacrifice for the relationship, it's much more likely to be the woman than the man. And it seems to be cultural. Could that be what's behind the 'lack of willingness' that bobbleheaddoll noticed?
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:47 PM   #8
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I don't think I'd ever want to move out of Rochester to be with someone unless it was relatively close to here simply because the majority of my friends and family are here. I know for sure that I wouldn't even consider it unless things got really serious between him and I.. living together, engagement, etc. However, I'm currently in a semi-LDR (about an hour and a half) and I'm considering moving about an hour closer to him for my second semester of college, depending on how things are going.. it's still close to my home though, so I don't mind as much.
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Old 08-23-2009, 07:08 PM   #9
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I did move away from my friends & family in Illinois to be with my boyfriend (now husband). It wasn't an easy adjustment to make. I was lonely, had a difficult time making friends, relied far too much on him (which nearly destroyed our relationship), and actually ended up resenting the hell out of him and hating myself for leaving. Many years later, we're happily married, settled into our life in Minnesota, and I don't think that I'd return to Illinois if I had the chance. But it was a very, very difficult transition period. I don't think I'd put myself through it again.

But then, I'm not a very flexible person. I like my life to be ordered just so, I am slow to make friends (although those that I do become close to tend to be lifetime friends), and I don't adjust well to a lot of change.

If I were in your position, I'd probably give a lot of thought to how serious the relationship is, would go very (very!) slowly. You can't really know or be reassured that things will work out, no matter how much you love each other or feel otherwise. Things change when two people who have very separate lives (and therefore many opportunities to present only the positive, best sides of themselves) find those lives merged. My husband graduated from college a year before I did, and got a job in a city two hours from where I was located. We did the weekend thing for more than a year before I moved again - the second time around, though, it was as his wife. Even though we'd been in a relationship for 6+ years prior to marriage, it was still a difficult adjustment to go from the fun & excitement of weekend visits to the settling in routine of seeing each other on a daily basis. It worked out for us, but it wasn't easy.


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Originally Posted by bobbleheaddoll View Post
hi everyone

as i read through some of the postings, i noticed a few of the people on here actually did meet through dims. i find this awesome yet it kinda surprised me and made me think of my history of using the internet to date/find friends.

i grew up in a very rural area where the dating pool was not so great. it was not my size hindering my dating ability (the farmers like sturdy, hard working women) just that the choices out there were not what i was seeking. it was not until i went to college and met much more interesting and culturally/socially diverse people that my dating experiences really picked up.

after school i knew i was not going to find my other half in my back yard...and tried the internet thing. i figured the universe is a big place and my someone had to be out there somewhere. while it was very interesting to meet many of the great guys that i did...there seemed to be a lack of willingness to do the work to take it to the next level. we would get along well and when it came time to meet or make plans that involved more than the 'weekend getway' they seemed to wane quickly. alot of guys seem to be looking for someone online, but really only want them if they are local and there is no inconvenience of having to make it work. i abandonded the 'internet for love' thing and now just post for the social interaction of making friends in different areas than my own. i figure the universe will let us cross paths if it is really meant to be...which i guess explains why i love to travel...lol.

which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?

let me know what you think...
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Old 08-23-2009, 07:15 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by deepreflection View Post
I have recently considered it and I can say that I would move.

Someone here in a post on LDRs said that the distance can be overcome and closed down to zero and thus no problem at all (via periodic travel). I think that's genius to a point. When things have moved forward and the question of moving is upon you it's incredibly hard to place that distance between yourself, family and old friends. I it's important to me that we plan for visits back home alone or together and look forward to new friends and the great things about a new place. The new experience can be grand, too.

For us, right now it makes the most sense for me to stay here and welcome my sweetie home when she arrives. No matter the direction, moving is hard and anyone who does it deserves a lot of consideration.

It's important to me that we make our home together and I look forward to those changes.

Since I'm the sweetie in this post, I'm going to comment my half as well.

For me it was a relatively simple yet really difficult decision to make. I was previously in a LDR that I made the move for, and it ended in disaster, so I was really hesitant to even THINK about moving for a relationship again. While my previous experience made it really hard, it also made it easier, I think.
I already know what it feels like to uproot and move to a foreign place, I already knows what it feels like to be away from my family and friends, and I already know that the life experience I've gained, even without the relationship, has been worth it.

To touch on Dr. Feelgood's post, for us it was a no-brainer. I don't have anything keeping me here and I'm already far enough from family. I don't own a home, he does. I'm not near my family (nor do I really have the need to be), he is. I worked part time for chicken scratch, he has a stable career. I won't be struggling to get by there, and we can take care of each other. I have a "mild" handicap, so living alone can be very difficult, and I don't like having roommates. I will be gaining much more than I'm losing, so it's just the matter of putting my own anxieties about the past aside. He's worth it, so onward I go!

However, if I did have a career, chances are numbers-wise I would still be making less even if we were in similar fields, since women make what, 76 cents on the dollar compared to men? It would be a harder decision to make, but economically it would just make sense.

Also, I think there are still a lot of women out there that don't put happiness in their career in front of other things that make them happy in life, like being in a loving relationship, or being a mother. Typically more so than men. Some women love their jobs, but they're still just jobs. Some women love their career, but they love their children more, or the yearning to have a family is greater. Same goes for men, but I honestly believe more women are willing to make sacrifices in their career choices when it comes to love or family, and are typically more inclined to WANT love and family than men.
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Old 08-23-2009, 07:58 PM   #11
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Since I'm the sweetie in this post, I'm going to comment my half as well.

For me it was a relatively simple yet really difficult decision to make. I was previously in a LDR that I made the move for, and it ended in disaster, so I was really hesitant to even THINK about moving for a relationship again. While my previous experience made it really hard, it also made it easier, I think.
I already know what it feels like to uproot and move to a foreign place, I already knows what it feels like to be away from my family and friends, and I already know that the life experience I've gained, even without the relationship, has been worth it.

To touch on Dr. Feelgood's post, for us it was a no-brainer. I don't have anything keeping me here and I'm already far enough from family. I don't own a home, he does. I'm not near my family (nor do I really have the need to be), he is. I worked part time for chicken scratch, he has a stable career. I won't be struggling to get by there, and we can take care of each other. I have a "mild" handicap, so living alone can be very difficult, and I don't like having roommates. I will be gaining much more than I'm losing, so it's just the matter of putting my own anxieties about the past aside. He's worth it, so onward I go!

However, if I did have a career, chances are numbers-wise I would still be making less even if we were in similar fields, since women make what, 76 cents on the dollar compared to men? It would be a harder decision to make, but economically it would just make sense.

Also, I think there are still a lot of women out there that don't put happiness in their career in front of other things that make them happy in life, like being in a loving relationship, or being a mother. Typically more so than men. Some women love their jobs, but they're still just jobs. Some women love their career, but they love their children more, or the yearning to have a family is greater. Same goes for men, but I honestly believe more women are willing to make sacrifices in their career choices when it comes to love or family, and are typically more inclined to WANT love and family than men.
Katorade, I didn't know that you were the sweetie in the equation. I wish you both the very best.

In a general way, I agree with your comments. The maternal drive is a powerful one, in women who have that particular desire. Early in my career, I didn't think it would mean as much to me as it eventually did, and does. I have to admit, I still can't imagine giving up my career. But I would do so in a heartbeat if my son was clearly unhappy with daycare. It is actually just the opposite ... we have a difficult time keeping the little guy happy and occupied on the weekends. He's bored most of the time.

Clearly, your situation is different than mine was. You seem to know what the stakes are, what you are getting into, and you don't seem to have many compelling reasons to stay where you are.

The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:04 PM   #12
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The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway
It would be fantastic, agreed, but I think it still applies.
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Old 08-23-2009, 09:46 PM   #13
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which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?
People uproot from their family and friends for jobs all the time. And as my friends can't stay in the same place anyway, yes.

I do the whole periodic travel thingy with my current long distance relationship. It works out ok as we're both esentially hermits.
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Old 08-24-2009, 03:02 AM   #14
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The only way I could see myself in a ldr is if we both agreed that after a certain amount of time, one would have to move.
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Old 08-24-2009, 07:05 AM   #15
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Exactly Jewels. I think long distance works when you're working towards an end date, where you're going to be together. A friend and her boyfriend have been doing LD for a year now and next year August they're getting married I'm so gleeful about that its like its me! I would be willing to move for somebody I loved - but I would never move if it was casual or if marriage was not in the cards. I adore my family too much to leave them for less than that.
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Old 08-24-2009, 07:48 AM   #16
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Here's my own experience:
As you know, when an academic gets tenure, it means not only a raise but job security for life. It isn't easy to get: it takes six years of teaching, research, and having a significant number of books/articles accepted for publication. Since I started teaching, my department has hired six women in tenure track positions; four of them got tenure. Of those four, three gave up their tenure (and their raises) to start all over somewhere else -- because their husband/boyfriend/S.O. was offered a raise elsewhere. It seems to me that if someone has to make a sacrifice for the relationship, it's much more likely to be the woman than the man. And it seems to be cultural. Could that be what's behind the 'lack of willingness' that bobbleheaddoll noticed?
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However, if I did have a career, chances are numbers-wise I would still be making less even if we were in similar fields, since women make what, 76 cents on the dollar compared to men? It would be a harder decision to make, but economically it would just make sense.
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The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway
A lot of good points were brought up here, and I just want to connect the dots. Katorade is right that there is a discrepancy in the average salary of men and women, and I think TraciJo is right that that gap is shrinking.

However it is important to note that this gap is a gap in the average pay. If a man and woman start the same job fresh out of college, with the same quailifications, they should be paid the same. Period.

The discrepancy comes in becuase of what Dr. Feelgood mentioned: women are more likely to put their career on hold for the good of the relationship, espicially when children are involved. Because women more often come off the career track, such as the tenure example, fewer women are at the top of the pay scale for their careers.

What I'm saying is, women should not expect to be paid less than a man for the same work. Historically, women have spent less of their lives in the paid workforce advancing their careers, so in the long run, the average male salary climbs more. Even if the cultural workplace dynamics change, there will still be at least a small gap as long as more women take maternity leave than men take paternity leave. It's not fair, but that's the way it is.


In my case, I am in a long distance relationship and my Significant Other is also Significantly Older than me. She has a well established, successful career requiring an advanced degree and I am still working on finishing my Bachelors. Once I do, I'm planning on moving to be with her.

So to respond to the original poster, internet relationships can work, long distance relationships can work, and there are guys willing to move and make sacrifices for the relationship.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:20 AM   #17
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However, don't forget that fat women get paid less than thin women in the same job, which seems to suggest that men and women don't get paid the same amount if they are both hired at the same time for the same job in today's job market. My own personal experience suggests that women do get paid less for the exact same job that men do.
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:38 PM   #18
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I would definitely be willing to relocate if the person I loved was willing to do the same...maybe both move somewhere halfway between the two places?
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Old 08-24-2009, 03:12 PM   #19
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This sounds cold, but I have never felt attached to any place or even friends and family. However, I will not give up a good, stable, high-paying job unless there is some sort of a guarantee that I have a filthy rich and generous partner who can and is willing to support me and the lifestyle I would be accustomed to until I get an equivalent position.

My current partner moved to be with me. I appreciate his sacrifice, but I do feel bad knowing that I wouldn't have done the same because I cannot afford to jeopardise my (selfish?) career goals. He has less to lose (no crazy debt, no specialised training) and more importantly, he is fluent in English and will do fine in the UK while I probably have to spend years working on my crappy Danish before I can even hope to get anywhere.

I don't know, but it often seems like everyone around me are more than willing to drop everything for love, for family. It makes me wonder what I am missing out on.

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Old 08-24-2009, 03:27 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by jewels_mystery View Post
The only way I could see myself in a ldr is if we both agreed that after a certain amount of time, one would have to move.
That's exactly how I feel about it. Even though it's difficult, I'm capable of it for as long as there is some end in sight.
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Old 08-24-2009, 04:47 PM   #21
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My mom always taught me, don't ever move, or move in with a man without a ring on your finger. That's the only advice I can think to give at the moment.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:03 PM   #22
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Exactly Jewels. I think long distance works when you're working towards an end date, where you're going to be together. A friend and her boyfriend have been doing LD for a year now and next year August they're getting married I'm so gleeful about that its like its me! I would be willing to move for somebody I loved - but I would never move if it was casual or if marriage was not in the cards. I adore my family too much to leave them for less than that.
I agree. LDRs requires a lot of effort and that would be wasted on something that is casual.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:38 PM   #23
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I would be skeptical to travel for love, for a relationship developed on the internet or through letters. It is impossible to determine the outcome of living together. What if you move across the country and realize that this man was not all that he was cracked up to be? A lot of people play games for years on the internet to swoon a woman, but when the true colors start showing, a long distance move (where there are possibly no family/friends etc...) can truly bite you in the ass.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:50 PM   #24
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I would be skeptical to travel for love, for a relationship developed on the internet or through letters. It is impossible to determine the outcome of living together. What if you move across the country and realize that this man was not all that he was cracked up to be? A lot of people play games for years on the internet to swoon a woman, but when the true colors start showing, a long distance move (where there are possibly no family/friends etc...) can truly bite you in the ass.
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:42 PM   #25
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... some are more ambitious than myself.. I wouldn't bother with a LDR.
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