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Old 09-03-2009, 02:07 PM   #1
joswitch
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Default Are you polyamorous?

Hello peeps!

So not only am I an FA, but I'm also basically polyamorous* by nature...
Does anybody else identify as polyamorous on here?

[BTW - monogamous folks who are not into polyamory - please do NOT post
negatively in this thread. If you're not poly or genuinely, positively
interested please just walk away.... I have no problem at all with
people being monogamous - that's your choice - I'm asking you to respect
other people's choice and not abuse them for it.]

I'm fairly flexible on it personally, insofar as I've been in at least
one long term monogamous relationship and I was cool with that, but I've
been in a few open long term relationships and those felt very "right"
for me...

Although I'm a low-jealousy, sex positive person polyamory (to me)
doesn't mean having sex with just anyone... I'm pretty picky!
During one three year open relationship I was with far fewer "other"
girls besides my main gf (3) than a friend of mine who was serially
monogamous and went through a number of relationships (about 10),
seeking "the one"... I'm not "judging" that friend by the way! I don't
regard the number of different sexual partners you have to be a "moral"
issue per se... What's important to me is how you treat the people you
love/are loving when you are with them...


Are you "practising" polyamory? Or do you feel confined to monogamy by
the preferences of your current partner/the society around you?

Have you run into particular problems with being poly?

Couple of for instances -

Have you been told by a partner that they want to be in a monogamous
relationship because an open relationship doesn't makes them feel like
they are "enough" for you? I had one gf end a very LTR with me because
of this - although polyamory turned out to be a red herring/tip of the
'berg - in that instance, cos when I offered to try monogamy with her,
then she 'fessed up that it was more about being with someone who'd go
halves on a house and children with her.... (At the time I had *just* put
all my money into buying my narrowboat (houseboat), which I had hoped to
be something both me and my gf could enjoy... seems she had very
different goals but did not choose to share them with me until it was
too late *sadface*)

Have your partner(s) felt that because you were in an open relationship
that "true love" was not possible... I ran into that in one LTR with a
gf who had professed love at length and suddenly 180'd, dumped me and
said she'd never loved me at all... (OUCH!)

Have you been abused or discrininated against cos you're poly?

Shout out and say "hi" if you're poly people!

------------------------------------------------------
(Polyamory is NOT cheating, poly = honesty.

Poly is NOT the same as swinging which = recreational sex.
Although some poly folks may also swing...
Poly has a deeper emotional aspect.
(Not that I have anything against recreational sex either!)

Poly is NOT the same as religious polygamy.
Although religious polygamy is technically a subset of polyamory, it is
very unusual as such, because poly tends to emphasise equal sexual
freedom for both male and female partners, whereas polygamy only permits
non-monogamy for the male.


Definition: *Polyamory - from
http://lovingmorenonprofit.org/faq.php#wip -

refers to romantic love with more than one person, honestly, ethically,
and with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned.

Polyamory often involves multiple long-term committed relationships,
either separately or together, but it can also come in many different
forms. Some examples are:
- Open polyamory (committed open relationship or open marriage), in
which the partners involved remain open to the possibility of additional
loves and relationships;
- Polyfidelity, in which three or more people commit to having a closed
relationship with each other and not getting involved with anyone
outside the group;
- Single polyamorists, who may have several loves without a primary
commitment to any one person, and who may or may not be looking for
long-term partnership.


More about polyamory:
http://lovingmorenonprofit.org/ )
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:12 PM   #2
Cors
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Not polyamorous (too much work for me), but I do have many friends who are (pretty common with gay men and those in the BDSM scene) and am open to the idea if I do fall for someone who identifies as poly.

I have always had open relationships though.

Last edited by Cors; 09-03-2009 at 02:14 PM.
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:36 PM   #3
joswitch
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cors View Post
Not polyamorous (too much work for me), but I do have many friends who are (pretty common with gay men and those in the BDSM scene) and am open to the idea if I do fall for someone who identifies as poly.

I have always had open relationships though.
Umm... so when you say open relationships as distinct from polyamorous...

Do you mean that it was only your partner that you had feelings for and the "open" aspect was restricted to purely short-term physical involvements??

or even if there was an emotional aspect with "others" besides your partner that this was kept secondary to your main (primary) partner??

or that by poly you mean a triad (at least) of lovers??

or something else??
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Last edited by joswitch; 09-03-2009 at 02:43 PM.
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:40 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joswitch View Post
Umm... so when you say open relationships as distinct from polyamorous...
Do you mean that it was only your partner that you had feelings for and the "open" aspect was restricted to purely short-term physical involvements??
or something else??
So far yes. Emotionally and romantically involved with my partner only but free to have sex with others, with the usual rules (eg. being completely open with each other, no spending too much time with or developing a romantic relationship with others).
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:40 PM   #5
Rowan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joswitch View Post
Hello peeps!

So not only am I an FA, but I'm also basically polyamorous* by nature...
Does anybody else identify as polyamorous on here?

[BTW - monogamous folks who are not into polyamory - please do NOT post
negatively in this thread. If you're not poly or genuinely, positively
interested please just walk away.... I have no problem at all with
people being monogamous - that's your choice - I'm asking you to respect
other people's choice and not abuse them for it.]

I'm fairly flexible on it personally, insofar as I've been in at least
one long term monogamous relationship and I was cool with that, but I've
been in a few open long term relationships and those felt very "right"
for me...

Although I'm a low-jealousy, sex positive person polyamory (to me)
doesn't mean having sex with just anyone... I'm pretty picky!
During one three year open relationship I was with far fewer "other"
girls besides my main gf (3) than a friend of mine who was serially
monogamous and went through a number of relationships (about 10),
seeking "the one"... I'm not "judging" that friend by the way! I don't
regard the number of different sexual partners you have to be a "moral"
issue per se... What's important to me is how you treat the people you
love/are loving when you are with them...


Are you "practising" polyamory? Or do you feel confined to monogamy by
the preferences of your current partner/the society around you?

Have you run into particular problems with being poly?

Couple of for instances -

Have you been told by a partner that they want to be in a monogamous
relationship because an open relationship doesn't makes them feel like
they are "enough" for you? I had one gf end a very LTR with me because
of this - although polyamory turned out to be a red herring/tip of the
'berg - in that instance, cos when I offered to try monogamy with her,
then she 'fessed up that it was more about being with someone who'd go
halves on a house and children with her.... (At the time I had *just* put
all my money into buying my narrowboat (houseboat), which I had hoped to
be something both me and my gf could enjoy... seems she had very
different goals but did not choose to share them with me until it was
too late *sadface*)

Have your partner(s) felt that because you were in an open relationship
that "true love" was not possible... I ran into that in one LTR with a
gf who had professed love at length and suddenly 180'd, dumped me and
said she'd never loved me at all... (OUCH!)

Have you been abused or discrininated against cos you're poly?

Shout out and say "hi" if you're poly people!

------------------------------------------------------
(Polyamory is NOT cheating, poly = honesty.

Poly is NOT the same as swinging which = recreational sex.
Although some poly folks may also swing...
Poly has a deeper emotional aspect.
(Not that I have anything against recreational sex either!)

Poly is NOT the same as religious polygamy.
Although religious polygamy is technically a subset of polyamory, it is
very unusual as such, because poly tends to emphasise equal sexual
freedom for both male and female partners, whereas polygamy only permits
non-monogamy for the male.


Definition: *Polyamory - from
http://lovingmorenonprofit.org/faq.php#wip -

refers to romantic love with more than one person, honestly, ethically,
and with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned.

Polyamory often involves multiple long-term committed relationships,
either separately or together, but it can also come in many different
forms. Some examples are:
- Open polyamory (committed open relationship or open marriage), in
which the partners involved remain open to the possibility of additional
loves and relationships;
- Polyfidelity, in which three or more people commit to having a closed
relationship with each other and not getting involved with anyone
outside the group;
- Single polyamorists, who may have several loves without a primary
commitment to any one person, and who may or may not be looking for
long-term partnership.


More about polyamory:
http://lovingmorenonprofit.org/ )
Darlin...honestly...if you think this is going to be a protected post and no one is going to say anything adverse about it....you're dreamin.

Just sayin.
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:51 PM   #6
joswitch
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cors View Post
So far yes. Emotionally and romantically involved with my partner only but free to have sex with others, with the usual rules (eg. being completely open with each other, no spending too much time with or developing a romantic relationship with others).
Righto! I get you now!
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:52 PM   #7
joswitch
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
Darlin...honestly...if you think this is going to be a protected post and no one is going to say anything adverse about it....you're dreamin.

Just sayin.
Heh. Yeah. You're probably right... Just tryin' to head off the "Moral Majority" at the pass... meh...
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Old 09-03-2009, 03:01 PM   #8
nykspree8
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I had permission from my ex to actually go out and hook up with a guy if I had the urge to (i'm bi), just let her know about it. Hell, that's a dream for a bi guy right? I couldn't do it though. To me that would still be cheating, and I would be so disgusted with myself afterward. So I guess I was technically in an open relationship when it came to guys, if I would have desired it to be.

I don't think I could be in a dual open relationship b/c I can be a very jealous person and the thought of some other guy touching my gf, hmmm I dunno, I just couldn't deal with it and it would end up with baseball bats, kicked down doors, and me in jail probably LOL. I would always be thinking "is he better than me in bed?", "is she going to leave me for him?", stuff of that nature. I just think I would be so angry knowing my gf is hooking up with someone else, and that just wouldn't be fair if I was being allowed to as well. I dunno, I've never been in one to truly know how I'd react. Maybe I'd be comfortable with it? Who knows? But I'm pretty happy being monogamous
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Old 09-03-2009, 03:09 PM   #9
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i'm low-jealousy and have been on the other end of others' polygamous relationships but after some failed experiments i've mostly lost the aptitude for this.
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Old 09-03-2009, 06:32 PM   #10
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I am, at the very least, a pro-poly ally. A good chunk of my friends are poly; I lived (platonically) with an open vee (my friend, her fiancee/husband, and her boyfriend) for a year. No judgments from me, y'all.

As for myself.... maybe? I tried and failed at poly once before, but that relationship had so many other problems, I couldn't base a strong opinion off it as to whether or not I could "do" poly. Or if I could even find more than one guy who wants to bone me, and by whom I want to be boned. But at this stage in my life, while I'd very much like to experience sex with someone I care about, and who cares about me, I don't want a committed monogamous relationship. And, it might sound cynical, but I would much rather deal with feeling jealous than feeling trapped. So, I guess I'm functionally poly. Maybe.

Or, to quote Margaret Cho: "I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"
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Last edited by StarWitness; 09-03-2009 at 06:36 PM. Reason: Prepositions, grrrr....
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:18 PM   #11
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I identify as polyamorous however, in every relationship there are rules of which both partners must abide or they are considered to be cheating and as such the relationship is in danger of ending as a result.

Polyamory is something that I believe in fully as a sexually aware adult. All of the relationships I have been in the topic has been brought up an discussed openly and honestly and the expectations of each partners sexual roles were laid out for examination. This is a must in any relationship, and it takes a much deeper level of trust. I have lived in poly and monogamous relationships and have nothing against either. It is to each couple to decide what is right for them at the onset of the relationship. The polyamorous lifestyle to me just seems closer to natures design of human sexuality. In practice however it is difficult to achieve, and harder to maintain.
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Last edited by rollhandler; 09-03-2009 at 11:23 PM.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:53 AM   #12
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I'm in a committed relationship, and my husband is not the type who would ever agree to anything but monogamy. If that wasn't the case, I could see the value of an open relationship (though I'm not sure that either of us has what it takes to pursue even that) but I can't imagine being in what you've described as poly, jo. Not to say that it isn't generally possible ... just that for me, it probably isn't. I can't imagine the intensity of the emotions that I have for my husband being spread among any other people. I am genuinely curious -- when in poly relationships in the past, did you feel similarly about each person? Did you feel more for one? If so, did that cause problems?

In theory, I can see where this would work. In practice, I'm thinking that even if it would work fabulously well for you ... there would be other people involved, and it would have to work equally well for them. My experience with people in general is ... they are insecure, singular by nature, jealous, selfish, etc. I imagine the chances of finding several other people who are every bit as secure, self-confident, and open-minded as you are would be very difficult.

My husband is from Southeast Asia, and I've heard my friends who come from that part of the world express amazement at how openly sexual Americans are. My belief is quite the opposite, actually -- I think that in general, Americans are very hung up, nearly to the point of prudishness, when it comes to sexuality.
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Old 09-04-2009, 11:28 AM   #13
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Old 09-04-2009, 12:42 PM   #14
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I'm in a committed relationship, and my husband is not the type who would ever agree to anything but monogamy. If that wasn't the case, I could see the value of an open relationship (though I'm not sure that either of us has what it takes to pursue even that) but I can't imagine being in what you've described as poly, jo. Not to say that it isn't generally possible ... just that for me, it probably isn't. I can't imagine the intensity of the emotions that I have for my husband being spread among any other people. I am genuinely curious -- when in poly relationships in the past, did you feel similarly about each person? Did you feel more for one? If so, did that cause problems?

In theory, I can see where this would work. In practice, I'm thinking that even if it would work fabulously well for you ... there would be other people involved, and it would have to work equally well for them. My experience with people in general is ... they are insecure, singular by nature, jealous, selfish, etc. I imagine the chances of finding several other people who are every bit as secure, self-confident, and open-minded as you are would be very difficult.

My husband is from Southeast Asia, and I've heard my friends who come from that part of the world express amazement at how openly sexual Americans are. My belief is quite the opposite, actually -- I think that in general, Americans are very hung up, nearly to the point of prudishness, when it comes to sexuality.
Well yes we are sexually repressed and prudish. Our beginnings were English, and not the good kind: The Pilgrims basically carved our leanings.
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Old 09-04-2009, 01:43 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by TraciJo67 View Post
I'm in a committed relationship, and my husband is not the type who would ever agree to anything but monogamy. If that wasn't the case, I could see the value of an open relationship (though I'm not sure that either of us has what it takes to pursue even that) but I can't imagine being in what you've described as poly, jo. Not to say that it isn't generally possible ... just that for me, it probably isn't. I can't imagine the intensity of the emotions that I have for my husband being spread among any other people. I am genuinely curious -- when in poly relationships in the past, did you feel similarly about each person? Did you feel more for one? If so, did that cause problems?
I've not been in an equilateral triad (or quad or more) relationship as such... The closest I've been was in an open "V" i.e. where in an honest and open way I was dating two girls at the same time, but they were not interested in being "into" each other (they didn't meet until after one had stopped being with me)... That "V" came about kinda accidentally - 'cos girl 'A' - who I'll call Cathy (not her real name) was poly too.... We had started dating mono for a couple weeks before I went off to Barcelona for two months to study for my TEFL... When I got back Cathy had taken up with another fella but still wanted to see me too (and she'd told him this) soooo we opened up the relationship and I started seeing Debbie (not her real name) too... for about a month before going off on big travels for 9 months.. when I got back I rekindled things with both Cathy and Debbie... Which was awesome and yes intense and also kind of exhausting but...

That "phase" of the relationship lasted about another two months before Cathy decided to end the physical side of things between us and move to just friendship... Cutting short a long blahblah on my past love life:
Debbie and I carried on in an open relationship* for about three years... With hindsight I don't think Debbie was ever all that red hot keen on the open thing as such, although she was pretty happy with it for most of our time together....

(*barring a few months "off" early on, when she dated some other fella, who she didn't think would wear the open thing)

And yes, I loved Debbie... very much... whereas although I was and remain very fond of Cathy (as a friend) and there was strong mutual lust for a while too - I didn't feel as intensely for her as I did for Debbie... But I think that was mutual on Cathy's part, so that in itself didn't cause any problems.....

So for the vast majority of my LTR with "Debbie" we had an open relationship and we were "prime" for each other... i.e. she always came first over and above anyone else I might've been seeing.... And until the last few months of our relationship that worked well for us...

The only "problem" I ran into was that my being honest & open about being poly, and already being in an open relationship, meant that other girls who were otherwise keen on me would often run a mile...
i.e. If I'd been a cheat or a serial monogamist - I'd probably have been with far more other women during that time... But.... and maybe I risk being thrown out of the "Man Club" here - I'm kinda hung up on being honest with the girls I meet - because I love freedom so much. If I were to deceive someone on this I see it as taking away her freedom... Cos with false information she isn't making a free choice about whether or not to be with me... So I *squick* on the lying thing...

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In theory, I can see where this would work. In practice, I'm thinking that even if it would work fabulously well for you ... there would be other people involved, and it would have to work equally well for them. My experience with people in general is ... they are insecure, singular by nature, jealous, selfish, etc. I imagine the chances of finding several other people who are every bit as secure, self-confident, and open-minded as you are would be very difficult.
Yup... It's not easy to find folks who're cool with poly....
I think even secure, self-confident, and open-minded people can still be monogamous by nature, I don't think poly is going to suit everyone by any means...

Over the years I've tried to modify how I float the idea to new gfs cos I'm concious that it's very easy to "load the question" and only then get the answer you were hoping for**, which might not genuinely be what she wanted...

(**especially as I'm naturally dom and I attract and am attracted to sub girls)

I'm actually amazed that I found "Cathy" and "Debbie" and things held together for us, for as long as they did... And that my open relationship with "Debbie" lasted so long after...

I still kinda hope that one day I'll meet two bi girls who are into each other and into me*** - and not just for the sex side of things (awesome as I'm sure that could be) but for the whole equilateral loving aspect too.... But I'm not holding my breath mind...

(***Not as completely unlikely as it first sounds... all three of my long-term loves over the last ten years identified as bi... I didn't know this about any of them until after we were already dating... So this seems to be another "theme" in my romantic life...)

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My husband is from Southeast Asia, and I've heard my friends who come from that part of the world express amazement at how openly sexual Americans are. My belief is quite the opposite, actually -- I think that in general, Americans are very hung up, nearly to the point of prudishness, when it comes to sexuality.
Yeah you may be right... I think UK folks are a bit more relaxed, perhaps...
--------------------------------------------------------
P.S. All of us - me, "Cathy" and "Debbie" - Saggitarians. And no I don't really believe in "star sign" stuff... but previous loves - were Virgos... really not so happy with the open thing... :shrugs: ;P
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:28 PM   #16
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Right, it was about time for another polyamoury thread to pop up, wasn't it?

As such, I've probably said paragraphs, philosophising about the subject previously, and I'm not inclined to repeat myself once more. Suffice it to say that I stopped trying to force myself into the standard paradigm of monogamy when I accepted that it wasn't natural - for me or in general.
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:32 PM   #17
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Right, it was about time for another polyamoury thread to pop up, wasn't it?

As such, I've probably said paragraphs, philosophising about the subject previously, and I'm not inclined to repeat myself once more. Suffice it to say that I stopped trying to force myself into the standard paradigm of monogamy when I accepted that it wasn't natural - for me or in general.

Ditto -
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:53 PM   #18
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Ditto -
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Right, it was about time for another polyamoury thread to pop up, wasn't it?

As such, I've probably said paragraphs, philosophising about the subject previously, and I'm not inclined to repeat myself once more. Suffice it to say that I stopped trying to force myself into the standard paradigm of monogamy when I accepted that it wasn't natural - for me or in general.
I agree with these 2 love doves!!
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Old 09-04-2009, 05:29 PM   #19
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I will say one thing about these threads...it lets me know who to keep my eye on lol
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Old 09-04-2009, 05:50 PM   #20
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I've never been in a polyamorous or open relationship (I always viewed them as being seperate, the first being about emotional attachment as well as sex and the latter being sex solely) but I am friends with one girl who was, for a short time (about 2 months), involved in a relationship with a guy and another girl. However it turned out the guy and other girl didn't feel very strongly about each other but rather both just wanted to be with her. This obviously caused jealousy blah blah. The main thing I learned from this is - Polyamory: not safe for 17 year olds. I think it requires a special kind of understanding and respect to be able to carry this out effectively. I just don't see it as a long term thing though but then again I don't think any two people can remain together forever without falling out of love so take that with a grain of salt.

As far as me personally, I could never be in a polyamorous relationship (as defined by me) because I don't see myself truly loving two people at the same time. Plus it'd be hard to not pick a "favorite." I'm just that type of person. However, I'd love to be in a open relationship but I just don't think that's something my boyfriend would be willing to engage in. I hope I get the chance to experience that at some point in my life though.
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Old 09-04-2009, 06:30 PM   #21
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I've decided that wiith and for the right people I could do it, but it's not a lifestyle I'm cut out to actively pursue (for a number of reasons).

Sometimes I wish I could make it work, because I *live* on new relationship energy and often find myself simultaneously drawn to very different types of men.
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:12 AM   #22
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I have enough trouble trying to find one guy to love let alone a few lol

a dream would be to live in a big house with a load of guys who are all into me and each other (oh and maybe a couple of girls but I would so have to be in charge!)
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:35 AM   #23
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I will say one thing about these threads...it lets me know who to keep my eye on lol
i'm gonna steal your man
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:48 AM   #24
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Righto! I get you now!
To participate with people this way requires being very secure since any type of intimate relationship requires vulnerability. The cultural mores are strong in advocating monogamy and to depart from that can feel like really going off a limb.
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:19 AM   #25
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When it comes to M/F relationships I'm monogomus or at least have been up to this point.
Girls its a different story.When not in a M/F relationship but F/F I tend to have multiple partners.
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