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Old 09-05-2009, 09:29 AM   #26
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i'm gonna steal your man
good thing for me i dont think he wants ya :P
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:47 AM   #27
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I've decided that wiith and for the right people I could do it, but it's not a lifestyle I'm cut out to actively pursue (for a number of reasons).

Sometimes I wish I could make it work, because I *live* on new relationship energy and often find myself simultaneously drawn to very different types of men.
This is how I feel about it, I can definitely see loving more than one person at a time. Different types.
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Old 09-05-2009, 11:03 AM   #28
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good thing for me i dont think he wants ya :P
see he didn't say that last night
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Old 09-05-2009, 04:58 PM   #29
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see he didn't say that last night
He'll be here in a couple hours..i'll ask him about it.. :P
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Old 09-14-2009, 08:54 PM   #30
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Smile 2 B or Not 2 B...Poly

Hey,

Im a poly gal myself, I have always had plenty of love for others and not just
one person. My dad always said Im a big girl with a big heart. I can love who
ever I want.


So needless to say I believe in the Poly life and Ive been in a couple.
Im the type of gal who wants 2 people in my life and we dont swing because
its not for me.

Im currently not in any sort of Poly relationship because its just not happened
yet

Ive never had a jelousy problem because I believe no one owns anyone
and I only own myself and my home and whats inside of it nothing more.

Thanx
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:17 PM   #31
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To participate with people this way requires being very secure since any type of intimate relationship requires vulnerability. The cultural mores are strong in advocating monogamy and to depart from that can feel like really going off a limb.
Polyamory appeals to me on a basic level. Having more people around in a more intimate way means having not only more sex, but more emotional support and more people to do things with. It means that you do not have to depend on just one partner to meet all of your needs. As long as everyone involved is okay with it and willing to make it work, it can be very freeing and enjoyable. However, polyamory is not something to take lightly. It requires that you be completely open and honest not only with your partners, but with yourself. Sharing yourself completely with others and seeing your partners share themselves with other people opens up a Pandora's box of emotional issues, like jealousy, that while you might think you are beyond them, on a deep subconscious level they are ingrained in you by culture, by human biology, and by your own insecurities.

I think you have to be secure in your own identity and have a great deal of emotional intelligence and empathy for other people to make poly relationships work. I think you need those things to be successful in a monogamous relationship too, and if you are having problems in a monogamous relationship and think that adding an additional person will make the problems go away, you have another thing coming. As for me, polyamory is an ideal to strive for, but I have a hard time maintaining one relationship at a time so I know I have a lot to work on before I could take the plunge.
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Old 09-22-2009, 12:32 AM   #32
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I am on the far end of the polyfidelity side of the spectrum, however I have known people in all kinds of nontraditional and alternative relationships over the past twenty years. I am able to love more than one person with all of my heart, but within the context of committed and faithful relationships. In my case, we're all straight, so they're not involved with each other, other than through me. If they ever meet somebody else they're interested in, that person would have to be completely on-board with the situation and not try and upset the apple cart so to speak. It just seems to me like the more people added into the mix, the greater the risks. Emotionally and physically. Sexual fidelity is important to us, because it's something we value, but also because of the risk of exposure to STIs. And emotional risk is something that has to be managed too. The way I see it, is when you are in any kind of poly relationship, what you do affects everybody in the group. It's not something to jump into or take lightly, and you really have to be mindful of the possible consequences of your actions because they're going to have a domino effect.

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Old 09-27-2009, 12:18 PM   #33
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Bump - cos this thread is attracting some thoughtful and interesting posts!
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:27 PM   #34
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I am on the far end of the polyfidelity side of the spectrum, however I have known people in all kinds of nontraditional and alternative relationships over the past twenty years. I am able to love more than one person with all of my heart, but within the context of committed and faithful relationships. In my case, we're all straight, so they're not involved with each other, other than through me. If they ever meet somebody else they're interested in, that person would have to be completely on-board with the situation and not try and upset the apple cart so to speak. It just seems to me like the more people added into the mix, the greater the risks. Emotionally and physically. Sexual fidelity is important to us, because it's something we value, but also because of the risk of exposure to STIs. And emotional risk is something that has to be managed too. The way I see it, is when you are in any kind of poly relationship, what you do affects everybody in the group. It's not something to jump into or take lightly, and you really have to be mindful of the possible consequences of your actions because they're going to have a domino effect.

Tracy
I can't rep you Tracy...

re. STIs - when I was in open relationships with my (now ex) gfs, the rule we had was - "When with other people - ALWAYS use condoms" regardless of whether we had reached the point where we had stopped using condoms together (in favour of some other bc method)....

Obviously there's more to it than just STIs - as you mention there's the emotional aspects - "If they ever meet somebody else they're interested in, that person would have to be completely on-board with the situation and not try and upset the apple cart so to speak."

Have you / your lovers developed any particular ways of handling the introduction of a new person into your polyfidelous relationship(s)?
Any red-flags / green flags to look out for?
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Old 09-29-2009, 10:05 PM   #35
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" Have you / your lovers developed any particular ways of handling the introduction of a new person into your polyfidelous relationship(s)?
Any red-flags / green flags to look out for? "

I can only explain how we discussed handling it "if and when" one of us meets somebody. We decided there wouldn't be casual lovers on the side, so it would have to be somebody that one of us was really interested in. If the one with the new interest wanted to maintain the current relationship as well, the new person would have to know exactly what the situation was up front. And they would have to accept and be okay with that fact. It's pretty simple. Nobody gets deceived, nobody tries to undermine the relationships that are already there.

As far as red flags? If the new person gets pouty or pissy when you turn down plans with them because you already have plans with the other. If the new person cops an attitude if the other needs more of your time and energy because of things they are going through. If the new person badmouths the other or your relationship with them. If the new person tries to manipulate, mind-screw, or pressure you into breaking it off with the other to be exclusive with them. If the new person gets bitchy when you mention the other to them or when you are talking with them.

Tracy
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:50 PM   #36
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when I am single I usually date one on one, but there have been a few instances when I had multiple BFs who knew of eachother and even became friends with eachother. It is not a must for me though. Met my Boyfriend almsot 3 yrs ago, and we both recently met our GF in april. We all now live together and none of us regret it. I dont know if it is still considered polyamorous though, because we are only committed between the 3 of us, and we dont seek outside sex or intimate relationships. If that is still polyamory-cool. If it's not-cool. all that matters is, that we love one another and have been there for one another during trying times as well as great times. Im happy in whatever dynamic Im in, as long as my needs and wants are met and vice versa as well as that special bond between us.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:02 AM   #37
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*Question* How does it work when you want to raise a family and settle down? Do people in this lifestyle do that?


I think this is an ideal situation, if you can pull it off. I hate being too consumed by one person. When that happens I get resentful, hateful and feel suffocated. Then comes all the problems. Something like this would solve all that.

I was told by my counselor months ago that this sort of setup could be the answer for me and my reletionship problems. When she said that, I was quite annoyed with her and thought she was too lazy to "fix me". Maybe she was on to something?

The big problem comes in with trying to pull this off and not getting shot. Thinking of all the men I have dated, this would never fly.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:28 AM   #38
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My first relationship with a woman was a somewhat polyamorous one. She already had a boyfriend, but she also craved me and when i finally gave in she subsequently introduced me to him. However, i'm not sure if this is considered polyamorous? Since while her boyfriend and I both knew of each other and met each other (even at one point lived under one roof for 5 months together), we agreed that he and i would have nothing to do with each other except on platonic levels.

As an individual however, I am polyamorous - that is, capable of falling in love with and maintaining emotional/physical connection with more than 1 person.Unfortunately for me, where I live and within the community I'm in, polyamory tends to be frowned upon.
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Old 10-04-2009, 11:59 AM   #39
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I'm with Seth that I've sorta already given my piece on this before, but I don't mind recapping. I've been attracted to both polyamory and open relationships for a long time, but it's been pretty difficult to meet like-minded partners because of two roadblocks: 1. falling for monogamous folks and not wanting to give up on love for this idea of polyamory I haven't really tried and 2. being with poly folks that essentially end up being casual relationships, which is not the kind of poly I want. I'm SO TIRED of meeting folks who confuse poly with swinging or casual sex.

I had a dream last night about being in a triad with a married couple I know. I'm sure it would creep them out, but I felt so...loved. Polyamory with deeply loving, spiritual, sex-positive folks seems like living THE LIFE.

I think the new update, for me, is that I'm now deeply skeptical of dating monogamous boys. I know now that I'll always feel like a big part of my sexuality is missing.

And, I guess I know who's on my list to watch for. forchrissakes.
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Old 10-04-2009, 12:42 PM   #40
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I can't actually imagine being romantically involved with one person, so the idea of polyamory evades me.

However, I am all for open relationships, as A) I know my libido fluxes seemingly with the tide, and I wouldn't want to stifle my partner, and B) I am not the least bit jealous and couldn't care less what my partner does, so long as she's open and honest about it.
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Old 10-04-2009, 01:08 PM   #41
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I hate being too consumed by one person. When that happens I get resentful, hateful and feel suffocated. Then comes all the problems. Something like this would solve all that.
The above really struck me as I read through responses and tried them on mentally for myself. My big worry about a poly relationship was fear of my feelings of being marginalized while everyone else had fun BUT this quote flipped it around on me. I've grown into somewhat of a loner and have days where I deeply need to be left the hell alone, i.e., don't even freaking talk to me. lol

With more than one other person in the relationship these GTFAFM* times might not seem as harsh on the others who may have wanted comfort or whatever. Or it could be "their" time alone or to face the consequences of initiating a puppy pile on grumpy me.

There's a comforting feeling to having a couple or more of other people who would care about me in such an intense way, and feeling so intensely about the other people myself. I feel like I can't project how I'd do, for good or ill, in a polyamorous relationship. If the opportunity pops up, I'll try it, of course.


*get the fuck away from me, for clarity's sake
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Old 10-04-2009, 01:38 PM   #42
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1. falling for monogamous folks and not wanting to give up on love for this idea of polyamory I haven't really tried
Not sure if this is what you meant but here are some of my thoughts.


It is hard to give up the dream of meeting "the one". From childhood we are led to believe that there is a prince charming waiting for us, somewhere. The truly deserving find him, have a big wedding and live happily ever after. I think a lot of the people who are in the "happily ever after" period are not happy and fake it.

It is hard to let go of that fantasy. We all want that one person who will sweep us off our feet forever. It is difficult to accept that there is no one out there that can hold our attention and keep us interested for a lifetime. In my mind I feel like there is something wrong with me, not the world.
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Old 10-04-2009, 02:28 PM   #43
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@buttbooger - yep that's polyamory, you're in a triad by the sounds of it... If I understood your description correctly as being equal love between all 3 people...? But - as you say - it doesn't matter what it's called as long as it honestly, lovingly, works for everyone involved.. @strangeangel - yes that's poly too.. A "V" with your gf at the point and you and her bf at the each of the "ends".. Kudos to you and the bf for both loving her AND being cool with each other, rather than all jealous.. Your gf = very lucky!
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Old 10-04-2009, 07:32 PM   #44
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I had a dream last night about being in a triad with a married couple I know. I'm sure it would creep them out, but I felt so...loved. Polyamory with deeply loving, spiritual, sex-positive folks seems like living THE LIFE.
How will you know that it would creep them out unless you asked them? If they are as "deeply loving, spiritual and sex-positive" as you say I think they would be inclined to respect your desires even if they cannot reciprocate. Or was it this way only in your dream? Either way, I wish you the best of love and luck.
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Old 10-04-2009, 07:41 PM   #45
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I hate being too consumed by one person. When that happens I get resentful, hateful and feel suffocated. Then comes all the problems. Something like this would solve all that.
I think you could be just as consumed by two or more people as well. It's important in any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, to learn how to respect your own boundaries and those of your partner(s), to be able to communicate what you want without fear or shame, and to be able to work with your partner(s) to make sure everyone's needs, desires, likes, dislikes, fears, insecurities, etc. are brought to the table honestly and constructively. Polyamory is not a panacea for possessiveness.

(Yes, I know, I just alliterated... so sue me )
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:24 AM   #46
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I was told by my counselor months ago that this sort of setup could be the answer for me and my reletionship problems. When she said that, I was quite annoyed with her and thought she was too lazy to "fix me". Maybe she was on to something?
Hopefully your counselor was suggesting poly while tackling your relationship problems in general, not problems in a specific relationship? I'm only peripherally involved in the poly community, but I can tell you that so much drama is caused by the sentiment "Let's fix our relationship by adding another person" that it's a joke among the more experienced/jaded. Other than that, you definitely sound like you have the mindset for poly.
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Old 10-05-2009, 02:12 PM   #47
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I'm with Seth that I've sorta already given my piece on this before, but I don't mind recapping. I've been attracted to both polyamory and open relationships for a long time, but it's been pretty difficult to meet like-minded partners because of two roadblocks: 1. falling for monogamous folks and not wanting to give up on love for this idea of polyamory I haven't really tried and 2. being with poly folks that essentially end up being casual relationships, which is not the kind of poly I want. I'm SO TIRED of meeting folks who confuse poly with swinging or casual sex.
I've found that these two tend to be the first and often ONLY things that monogamously tended people think of when they hear "poly".... maybe cos these forms involve the least emotionally and so seem less "threatening" to monogamers?

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I had a dream last night about being in a triad with a married couple I know. I'm sure it would creep them out, but I felt so...loved. Polyamory with deeply loving, spiritual, sex-positive folks seems like living THE LIFE.

I think the new update, for me, is that I'm now deeply skeptical of dating monogamous boys. I know now that I'll always feel like a big part of my sexuality is missing.

And, I guess I know who's on my list to watch for. forchrissakes.
Bolded^ for the +1!
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Old 10-05-2009, 02:19 PM   #48
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*Question* How does it work when you want to raise a family and settle down? Do people in this lifestyle do that?
Yep. And I watched one show where they interviewed the now grown up daughter of a couple who were in a years long LTR with another couple... She seemed very well balanced and described how her childhood had felt very safe and loved cos there was always someone, caring, adult around to turn to...

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I think this is an ideal situation, if you can pull it off. I hate being too consumed by one person. When that happens I get resentful, hateful and feel suffocated. Then comes all the problems. Something like this would solve all that.

I was told by my counselor months ago that this sort of setup could be the answer for me and my reletionship problems. When she said that, I was quite annoyed with her and thought she was too lazy to "fix me". Maybe she was on to something?

The big problem comes in with trying to pull this off and not getting shot. Thinking of all the men I have dated, this would never fly.

If a guy is shooting at you - I'd say that's a relationship red flag, right there! (joke)
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Old 10-05-2009, 02:24 PM   #49
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Not sure if this is what you meant but here are some of my thoughts.


It is hard to give up the dream of meeting "the one". From childhood we are led to believe that there is a prince charming waiting for us, somewhere. The truly deserving find him, have a big wedding and live happily ever after. I think a lot of the people who are in the "happily ever after" period are not happy and fake it.

It is hard to let go of that fantasy. We all want that one person who will sweep us off our feet forever. It is difficult to accept that there is no one out there that can hold our attention and keep us interested for a lifetime. In my mind I feel like there is something wrong with me, not the world.
Yeah, I've always felt that the "one-person-to-be-my-EVERYthing" was a damaging fantasy... I think people sometimes torpedo an otherwise good relationship to go find what they already have with person A, but with one or two extra missing aspects they also want... and they hope to find all of that in just ONE person... This can lead to a lot of lonely frustrated people and / or people trying manipulate their partners into being something they are not....
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:36 PM   #50
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Hopefully your counselor was suggesting poly while tackling your relationship problems in general, not problems in a specific relationship? I'm only peripherally involved in the poly community, but I can tell you that so much drama is caused by the sentiment "Let's fix our relationship by adding another person" that it's a joke among the more experienced/jaded. Other than that, you definitely sound like you have the mindset for poly.
It was a general suggestion, after telling her my history.
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