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Old 10-05-2009, 06:37 PM   #51
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Yeah, I've always felt that the "one-person-to-be-my-EVERYthing" was a damaging fantasy... I think people sometimes torpedo an otherwise good relationship to go find what they already have with person A, but with one or two extra missing aspects they also want... and they hope to find all of that in just ONE person... This can lead to a lot of lonely frustrated people and / or people trying manipulate their partners into being something they are not....

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I keep getting caught up in the above mentioned cycle. I find myself never happy. It really has nothing to do with the people I am dating. Pretty much everything to do with me. If I try to tell friends about it, they don't understand. They say "I want to have my cake and eat it too" or "I am a man in a chicks body". SO stupid and closed minded. What I want has nothing to do with sex but everything to do with being fullfiled. I don't see one man doing this for me. He would have to be better than superman.

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Old 10-14-2009, 08:33 PM   #52
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Polyamory is fine for people who can handle it emotionally. Accepting that there are going to be complications and preparing for them is wise.

It's not for me, though. Finding one person who doesn't make me want to repeatedly stab myself with a stainless steel fork was hard enough - I couldn't imagine finding a second. Similarly, I couldn't handle doubling the amount of emotional energy I currently give the missus.
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Old 10-15-2009, 03:08 AM   #53
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@cheekyjez - on a serious note.. Fair points, well made.. On a silly note, may I suggest you invest in some nice, blunt spoons? :-P
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:25 AM   #54
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Sorry to dig this thread up from the grave but I am curious if anyone else has any thoughts to share on the poly life?

I'm a bisexual SSBBW married to a lesbian BBW and it is our wish to meet a M/F couple to live in polyfidelitous bliss for the rest of our lives

Much like the original poster tho, we've noticed that the FA and Poly world don't often mix. Or maybe they do and we just aren't looking in the right places.

And we'd love to hear some feedback from loooong term poly relationships. Has anyone been at it for over 10 years? 20?

Since this thread was posted, did anyone's opinion change?
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Old 02-19-2014, 04:16 PM   #55
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I think such arrangements are inherently unstable.

"Open marriages" are often, if you ask me, assented to by a reluctant partner who has loved well, but not wisely, and who puts up with it because something's better than nothing.

Amour is not a team sport.
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Old 02-19-2014, 04:27 PM   #56
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I think such arrangements are inherently unstable.

"Open marriages" are often, if you ask me, assented to by a reluctant partner who has loved well, but not wisely, and who puts up with it because something's better than nothing.

Amour is not a team sport.
Yeah, because anyone who feels differently to your is bad and wrong and manipulative.
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Old 02-19-2014, 04:31 PM   #57
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Amour is not a team sport.
It is if you get some jerseys and organize everyone into teams! NOW we're talkin!

I've been in a polyamorous relationship before. My ex-girlfriend (who is bi) had hooked up with another bi female and they opened the door for me to date both of them. It was the three of us for a while until eventually I found myself more compatible with one but not the other. She and I left the relationship together, while my ex-gf (now twice my ex) is still one of my best friends and she has since had other polyamorous relationships.

I could consider myself polyamorous in that I have no objection to a relationship of that kind again, but I've been in a monogamous relationship for the last three years and I'm definitely happy with it.
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Old 02-19-2014, 04:42 PM   #58
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I think such arrangements are inherently unstable.

"Open marriages" are often, if you ask me, assented to by a reluctant partner who has loved well, but not wisely, and who puts up with it because something's better than nothing.

Amour is not a team sport.
Poly =/= open marriages. Polyfidelity is where those involved are only involved with each other, whether it's a triangle or V or other arrangement.

Not everyone is made for monogamy, and if you're not, it's something you need to disclose upfront. Some people are not happy being involved with only one person, and are able to have multiple, successful relationships of equal standing.

I have a Buffet Theory about relationships - there's so many different ways to have a relationship, and to explore your sexuality, that it's like being at a buffet. You can try a bit of this and a bit of that, and take what you like and leave the rest. You can mix it up, try it a few different ways, or just stick with what you know. The coleslaw won't be upset if you prefer the spinach, feta, and cranberry salad. Your relationship is tailored for YOU and YOUR preferences. You shouldn't force them onto other people.
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:25 PM   #59
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Poly =/= open marriages. Polyfidelity is where those involved are only involved with each other, whether it's a triangle or V or other arrangement.

Not everyone is made for monogamy, and if you're not, it's something you need to disclose upfront. Some people are not happy being involved with only one person, and are able to have multiple, successful relationships of equal standing.

I have a Buffet Theory about relationships - there's so many different ways to have a relationship, and to explore your sexuality, that it's like being at a buffet. You can try a bit of this and a bit of that, and take what you like and leave the rest. You can mix it up, try it a few different ways, or just stick with what you know. The coleslaw won't be upset if you prefer the spinach, feta, and cranberry salad. Your relationship is tailored for YOU and YOUR preferences. You shouldn't force them onto other people.
The "Buffet Theory" works great until things get serious. Everyone in this thread seems to have forgot that long-term relationships are economic and legal as well as emotional arrangements. This fact is a central impetus behind the gay marriage struggle (i.e. gay folks want the economic advantages and legal protections of marriage).

Reality has to be faced. I have no objection to people playing the field or experimenting with whatever arrangements strike their fancy but in the end the vast majority of these arrangements do indeed fail (I'm sure they were fun while they lasted). Many people (like myself) end up married after having tried a variety of other arrangements.
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:56 PM   #60
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The "Buffet Theory" works great until things get serious. Everyone in this thread seems to have forgot that long-term relationships are economic and legal as well as emotional arrangements. This fact is a central impetus behind the gay marriage struggle (i.e. gay folks want the economic advantages and legal protections of marriage).

Reality has to be faced. I have no objection to people playing the field or experimenting with whatever arrangements strike their fancy but in the end the vast majority of these arrangements do indeed fail (I'm sure they were fun while they lasted). Many people (like myself) end up married after having tried a variety of other arrangements.
The reality is that about half of all marriages fail. Poly relationships are just as likely to work as monogamous relationships. It all comes down to how invested those involved are. If they're not interested in making it work, then it won't.
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Old 02-19-2014, 08:22 PM   #61
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The reality is that about half of all marriages fail. Poly relationships are just as likely to work as monogamous relationships. It all comes down to how invested those involved are. If they're not interested in making it work, then it won't.
Yes half of marriages fail -- but I'm thinking that an even higher percentage of alternative relationships fail. However, the success rate of marriages entered into by older (i.e. over 30) people who both have either education or career success are much higher than average.

Also, although the sample size is small and the results observed certainly not scientifically significant, the alternative relationships I've observed or heard of through friends and family of have had a 100% failure rate.

All the good intentions and personal investment in the world is not going save arrangements that are inherently unstable -- again this doesn't mean the involved parties can't have fun for a while.
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:02 PM   #62
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Also, although the sample size is small and the results observed certainly not scientifically significant, the alternative relationships I've observed or heard of through friends and family of have had a 100% failure rate.
Just because you haven't heard of it working doesn't mean it won't. You anecdata pool is small. Try paddling around the kink world a bit longer, and you'll find plenty of people who have successful poly relationships.

Since it doesn't affect you at all, you've got nothing to have a problem with.
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:32 PM   #63
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Yes half of marriages fail -- but I'm thinking that an even higher percentage of alternative relationships fail.
...the alternative relationships I've observed or heard of through friends and family of have had a 100% failure rate.
Haha, just for clarity's sake, I'm not arguing with you, bigmac... just quoting you because of the parts that stirred my thoughts.

Thinking out loud: how does a relationship "fail"? So it's kind of a misnomer to use "fail" to describe a non-marriage relationship when the parameters for it are highly variable. Marriages that fail are statistically measurable by divorce rates, but what's a "failed" relationship? A relationship where the two (or three, or four...) don't stay together permanently? Maybe staying together forever wasn't the goal in the first place. If the intent was to enjoy a relationship with another person and have great fun and love each other, and you do just that, and then it ends in time and you move on... that's not failure.
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Old 02-19-2014, 11:38 PM   #64
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" Marriages that fail are statistically measurable by divorce rates, but what's a "failed" relationship? "

That's a good question.

Success implies that there is a goal to be achieved. Different people have different goals in their lives, and with their relationships. Do we get to decide what we consider a success or failure in terms of our own relationships, or are we held to a universal standard?

And if there is a universal standard, is it gauged in terms of quantity or quality? Is a shorter-lived but happy relationship less of a success than one in which the partners stick it out for the long haul in a state of mutual resentment?

Also, in terms of marriage or otherwise committed relationships, is death the only they can end without being considered a failure?

When can an alternative relationship be considered a success? At the 5 year mark? 10 year mark? 20 year mark? Upon the death of one of the partners?

All relationships end. Either through choice or through death. Since they're all going to end anyway, shouldn't success be determined by what happens during the duration?

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Old 02-20-2014, 03:39 AM   #65
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Yes half of marriages fail -- but I'm thinking that an even higher percentage of alternative relationships fail. However, the success rate of marriages entered into by older (i.e. over 30) people who both have either education or career success are much higher than average.

Also, although the sample size is small and the results observed certainly not scientifically significant, the alternative relationships I've observed or heard of through friends and family of have had a 100% failure rate.

All the good intentions and personal investment in the world is not going save arrangements that are inherently unstable -- again this doesn't mean the involved parties can't have fun for a while.
I think one of the issues here is that you are comparing the success rates of monogamous marriages to the success rates of polygamous relationships. I have heard that the average monogamous person has about 8 sexual partners in their life. Let's say that half of those were short term/one night stands, that means that each monogamous person likely has 4 relationships in their life. If we assume that the last relationship they are in lasts until one of the partners dies, then that makes 3 'failed' relationships for every four monogamous ones entered. Obviously these numbers are all very much guess work but I think they illustrate the point well. That point being that most relationships, monogamous or polygamous, 'fail'.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:55 PM   #66
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I think one of the issues here is that you are comparing the success rates of monogamous marriages to the success rates of polygamous relationships. I have heard that the average monogamous person has about 8 sexual partners in their life. Let's say that half of those were short term/one night stands, that means that each monogamous person likely has 4 relationships in their life. If we assume that the last relationship they are in lasts until one of the partners dies, then that makes 3 'failed' relationships for every four monogamous ones entered. Obviously these numbers are all very much guess work but I think they illustrate the point well. That point being that most relationships, monogamous or polygamous, 'fail'.
Only eight sexual partners? Damn, kids these days need to put down the X-Box, turn off the computer, and go to the club and hook-up.
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:02 PM   #67
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Haha, just for clarity's sake, I'm not arguing with you, bigmac... just quoting you because of the parts that stirred my thoughts.

Thinking out loud: how does a relationship "fail"? So it's kind of a misnomer to use "fail" to describe a non-marriage relationship when the parameters for it are highly variable. Marriages that fail are statistically measurable by divorce rates, but what's a "failed" relationship? A relationship where the two (or three, or four...) don't stay together permanently? Maybe staying together forever wasn't the goal in the first place. If the intent was to enjoy a relationship with another person and have great fun and love each other, and you do just that, and then it ends in time and you move on... that's not failure.
Good points. I'm defining failure as the breakup with ill feeling of committed relationships of indeterminant length. The end of a fling wouldn't count. The end of a long-term co-habitation would.
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:40 PM   #68
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Haha, just for clarity's sake, I'm not arguing with you, bigmac... just quoting you because of the parts that stirred my thoughts.

Thinking out loud: how does a relationship "fail"? So it's kind of a misnomer to use "fail" to describe a non-marriage relationship when the parameters for it are highly variable. Marriages that fail are statistically measurable by divorce rates, but what's a "failed" relationship? A relationship where the two (or three, or four...) don't stay together permanently? Maybe staying together forever wasn't the goal in the first place. If the intent was to enjoy a relationship with another person and have great fun and love each other, and you do just that, and then it ends in time and you move on... that's not failure.
^^Quoted for truth.

I'll go even further and say that IMO even if the intent was something else, and what actually happens is the two/three or however many of you "enjoy a relationship with another person(s) and have great fun and love each other, and you do just that, and then it ends in time and you move on..."

I'd still call that a success...

Because: Love. And fun.
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:41 PM   #69
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" Marriages that fail are statistically measurable by divorce rates, but what's a "failed" relationship? "

That's a good question.

Success implies that there is a goal to be achieved. Different people have different goals in their lives, and with their relationships. Do we get to decide what we consider a success or failure in terms of our own relationships, or are we held to a universal standard?

And if there is a universal standard, is it gauged in terms of quantity or quality? Is a shorter-lived but happy relationship less of a success than one in which the partners stick it out for the long haul in a state of mutual resentment?

Also, in terms of marriage or otherwise committed relationships, is death the only they can end without being considered a failure?

When can an alternative relationship be considered a success? At the 5 year mark? 10 year mark? 20 year mark? Upon the death of one of the partners?

All relationships end. Either through choice or through death. Since they're all going to end anyway, shouldn't success be determined by what happens during the duration?

Tracy
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:47 PM   #70
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Only eight sexual partners? Damn, kids these days need to put down the X-Box, turn off the computer, and go to the club and hook-up.
yea for real. im only 27 and i've almost doubled that. yeeesh. and only one of them was a one night stand.
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Old 02-21-2014, 03:15 AM   #71
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Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
yea for real. im only 27 and i've almost doubled that. yeeesh. and only one of them was a one night stand.
Well there are going to be outliers, aren't they? I'm almost 24 and have had a grand total of 1 sexual partner/relationship. Until I was 22 I had had 0. The average is a mean, by definition it isn't going to fit everybody/most people. Of my friends at uni, all male, I know three that have had no partners, one that has had one partner, one that has had a handful of partners and one who has had relationships or encounters with just about every single woman in this county! None of those are the 'average' amount but the average of all of us is probably about eight to ten.
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Old 02-21-2014, 04:31 AM   #72
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Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
yea for real. im only 27 and i've almost doubled that. yeeesh. and only one of them was a one night stand.
Don't worry - I'm 28 and I've nearer tripled it than doubled it!
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Last edited by Gingembre; 02-21-2014 at 04:32 AM. Reason: ETA: Possibly an overshare?!
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:12 AM   #73
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I wouldn't fully consider myself polyamorous but I feel as though I could be sometimes, considering how I've treated people in the past. I don't think I could let myself even be in a relationship with more than one person, or an open relationship. It's certainly an interesting topic, though.
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:50 PM   #74
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Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
yea for real. im only 27 and i've almost doubled that. yeeesh. and only one of them was a one night stand.
Apparently I'm a man tramp (7X the supposed average). I have managed to stay monogamous for the last six and half years though.
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:05 PM   #75
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I don't think there's any correlation between the amount of partners someone has and how likely they are to be monogamous AND have a successful relationship.

Some people have a lot of partners, some don't. There's no shame in EITHER option. Telling people to go get more or have less so they can live up to some ambiguous moral standard of yours is ridiculous. All that matters is that it's between consenting adults. Not everyone wants to have a lot of partners, while others don't want to limit themselves. What's the big deal with numbers?
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