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Old 09-05-2009, 01:57 PM   #1
Fascinita
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Default His Porn Use, Your Feelings

I hope this thread will not be seen as an opportunity for controversy or for denying the valid feelings of some of us, or as an opportunity to try to cast people as "prudes" or "biddies."

This thread is for talking about the negative impact that porn can have on a relationship and about setting boundaries. While many women are perfectly fine with their SO's occasional use of porn--some even encouraging it--there's no denying that the ubiquity of porn in our lives can sometimes mean that "it gets to us."

Whether we're dealing with SOs who won't or can't cut back on or stop looking at porn--maybe some who have even stopped paying attention to us in favor of looking at porn, or who lie or try to conceal the extent or frequency of their porn use--or we're talking about the over-abundance of images of women as objects that can make us feel like we have to "keep up" to keep our SO's attentions, what negative effects do you think porn has had on your relationship and your life?

As well, how do you negotiate boundaries--again, in a culture where there is a seeming ever-increasing availability of pornographic images of women--with your SO about porn?

Any and all constructive replies are welcome.
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Old 09-05-2009, 02:34 PM   #2
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As with any behavior that needs to be "negotiated" or compromised on in a mate, I think it's best to know what you're (the general you) getting into before becoming deeply involved. I understand internet porn has broken up marriages - if your partner is "into" that, then it's best to know about it upfront and decide if you can tolerate it, not how much, but if.

Porn doesn't bother me personally, and my husband checking out the paysite models here and fat women websites doesn't upset me. Years ago, before the internet, a fat married female friend told me that she subscribed to Dimensions for her hubby; we had a long discussion, both personal and objective, about bringing porn into the marriage. She chose to look at it from a positive viewpoint, and since I admired the strength of her and her marriage in general, the discussion helped me to develop a positive attitude towards the use of porn in a relationship.
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Old 09-05-2009, 02:36 PM   #3
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I think a lot of people say they're completely okay with their SO watching porn without actually thinking it through.

I, for instance, have no problem with my partner watching porn if it stays within the realm of my comfort levels. I would certainly have a problem if the porn they watched was illegal/degenerate (i.e. pedophilia, bestiality), or I would be slightly worried if the majority of the porn they watched involved subject matter I could never achieve physiologically (i.e. gay porn).

Other things I might take issue with is if the porn-watching habit reached unhealthy levels of time or dedication, or if their appeared to be borderline obsession with one recurring aspect, especially if there was a lack of physical contact between the two of us.

I would never, however, object to the fact that they watch porn with women in it that don't look like me, or porn that contains sexual acts we haven't or rarely engaged in, or contained things I just generally wouldn't feel comfortable with for myself, either physically or mentally, as long as they were considered socially acceptable or non-dangerous.

I know that for me there are certain fantasies that I find alluring, but would never seek to act them out with my partner because they're either unrealistic or physically impossible for me (or him). I will also fully admit to the fact that I don't always especially want to INCLUDE my partner in every sexual urge I experience. Sometimes I just want to be lazy and scratch that sexual itch and just get it over with in a minute and a half.

There's a lot of different types of sexual gratification, and I think it's really important to be able to have a sexual relationship with just yourself, and that it's really a building block to being able to have a healthy sexual relationship with others. Porn can definitely fulfill a lot of fantasies or curiosities we have about sex, so I fully welcome my SO to watch it.
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Old 09-05-2009, 02:45 PM   #4
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I, for instance, have no problem with my partner watching porn if it stays within the realm of my comfort levels.
This is where I stand, too. If you can respect my comfort level and agreed-upon boundaries, then it's fine. In the end, this is what it may be about for ALL couples?

I think, too, that maybe porn precipitates problems a couple would have at some point, sooner or later, in any case. A person who lies about the extent of his or her porn use is a liar any way you slice it--not to mention inconsiderate and not worthy of trust. The issue then is not the porn, right? It's the lack of integrity.

Ris, I think that's good advice about knowing what you're getting into. I do think sometimes things get out of hand and trust is taken advantage of, etc. In any case, a strong relationship where both people are caring and mature can probably withstand a lot of "negotiation" over any number of issues.
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Old 09-05-2009, 02:59 PM   #5
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I think, too, that maybe porn precipitates problems a couple would have at some point, sooner or later, in any case. A person who lies about the extent of his or her porn use is a liar any way you slice it--not to mention inconsiderate and not worthy of trust. The issue then is not the porn, right? It's the lack of integrity.
Agreed, especially since realizing that your SO is hiding it, you immediately jump to the worst case scenario and start thinking about what else they might be hiding. You thought he had 4 or 5 DVDs and just occasionally rubbed one out while you were at the grocery store, or fantasizes about Mena Suvari in American Beauty while he's in the shower. Then you find out he has 3 hard drives full of hardcore porn and a collection of DVDs he keeps in his tool shed in several 50 gallon rubbermaid bins.

You wonder about how far does the behavior go at that point. Does he go to strip clubs in secrecy? Has he visited a prostitute? If he feels the need to hide his amplified sexuality, does it mean he thinks he has a serious psychological problem and needs help? Does he think you're a prude? Do you not satisfy him in any way? The list of questions could go on.

I definitely think the best remedy for that is simply being honest from the start, and really if it gets to *that* level, some self-control. I do believe, though, that the majority of problems that stem from watching porn in a couple lies with women that are very insecure about their sexuality or the status of their relationship, or they're just completely unrealistic about their partner's sexual need.

We have ALL known the woman that says "it is disrespectful for him to be watching porn, or for him to say he thinks another woman is attractive. I should be the only person he has eyes for." That alone can make a guy become really secretive about even a completely normal, average porn habit.
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:09 PM   #6
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We have ALL known the woman that says "it is disrespectful for him to be watching porn, or for him to say he thinks another woman is attractive. I should be the only person he has eyes for." That alone can make a guy become really secretive about even a completely normal, average porn habit.
I think it's a matter of boundaries and respect, again. What about the person who uses porn every chance he gets? Even if you're OK with porn use, isn't that particular scenario then "disrespectful of him," in your average, normal couple?

And what about the man who insists on looking at porn while his SO is in the next room, even when she's made it clear that she'd rather he paid attention to her? Isn't that the equivalent of the man who checks out other women brazenly while he's out with his girlfriend or wife?

In other words, I think it's perfectly appropriate to expect that, in certain situations, your SO "only have eyes" for you. Some people are fine seeing their SOs openly lusting after other bodies, but I think you'll agree that most of us want our SO's attention exclusively when we're with our SOs.
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:17 PM   #7
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In other words, I think it's perfectly appropriate to expect that, in certain situations, your SO "only have eyes" for you. Some people are fine seeing their SOs openly lusting after other bodies, but I think you'll agree that most of us want our SO's attention exclusively when we're with our SOs.
Oh, definitely, but I personally think that a lot of people, both male and female, can be completely unrealistic about something that is completely normal behavior. I know women that don't believe their SOs SHOULD be able to get aroused by any other woman, period. They're offended simply by the fact that their man can achieve an erection without her. Conversely, I know men that take offense to the fact that their SO could get herself off so quickly while watching porn, but take much longer with him, and think that it's a downfall on his part.

I had to use two different scenarios for that because I *honestly* have never met a man that said he disliked the idea of his SO watching porn. Occasionally I've met a guy that's completely benign on the subject, but the majority enjoy and would readily encourage their SO to watch it.
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:24 PM   #8
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I had to use two different scenarios for that because I *honestly* have never met a man that said he disliked the idea of his SO watching porn. Occasionally I've met a guy that's completely benign on the subject, but the majority enjoy and would readily encourage their SO to watch it.
There's another thread somewhere where I and others tried to hash out the "why" most porn that's produced is not made for women, and the implications of that on the line of argument that tries to hold that "men are OK with women watching porn, why shouldn't women be OK with men watching porn." In a nut, while some women enjoy the kind of porn that's out there, most porn is made expressly for male enjoyment. I'll try to find a link to that later and post it here.

But in any case, I'd like to avoid that kind of discussion here if we can. I thought this could be a place not to try to convince anyone that porn is normal and healthy, etc.--many people already feel that way yet have to strain to cope with the scale or extent of a partner's habit--but to talk about the real impact that it has on the lives of people whose SOs use it.
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Old 09-08-2009, 08:15 AM   #9
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I have no problem with my boyfriend watching porn, I really don't. But..... recently I saw porn that I didn't approve of, which made me extremely upset. I know that I can't change his preferences, but when he tells me that he's sexually into x,y, and z, but I see a,b,and c in his room, it really puts up a red flag as to whether he's sexually attracted to me at all.
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Old 09-08-2009, 09:05 AM   #10
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I, for instance, have no problem with my partner watching porn if it stays within the realm of my comfort levels.
I was going to add that I have no problem with my husband viewing porn until I saw this, and then realized that this statement is actually more true for me. I would have a huge problem if our sex life was neglected because he was using porn to satisfy himself, if he was viewing certain types of porn, or if he was hiding it from me (I would wonder what else he was hiding). I know someone who is having a lot of difficulty with her husband because his porn usage is far more extensive than she'd been led to believe prior to marriage. They've separated a few times because he spends so much time viewing online, watching DVD's etc and will do this to the exclusion of having a sexual relationship with her. She is taking it very personally, and it has damaged her self-esteem. I've tried to point out to her that his addiction to porn likely has nothing to do with her at all -- it seems to me (unlicensed armchair therapist that I am ) that his particular core issue is that he's afraid of intimacy. Her deepest fear is that he's not attracted to her. He is probably fearful of getting too close to her. They keep on communicating right past each other. I can't think of a lonelier existence than that - to feel so alienated and so alone when in the same room with the person that you love. Had he been my husband, I probably wouldn't have been able to stay married to him. Porn usage alone wouldn't bother me, if he used it to supplement/enhance our sex life, and I'd certain understand that sometimes, he's not in the mood for the preparatory rituals involving sex. The secrecy, the lies, and using porn as a means of avoiding intimacy ... that would kill the relationship, for me.
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Old 09-08-2009, 09:39 AM   #11
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[QUOTE=Fascinita;1270032] In a nut, while some women enjoy the kind of porn that's out there, most porn is made expressly for male enjoyment. I'll try to find a link to that later and post it here.

QUOTE]

As a woman, the kind of porn I'd enjoy seeing is having a man take care of all my household chores, while I maintain control of the remote control, thank you very much.
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Old 09-08-2009, 09:47 AM   #12
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Another thoughtful post, TraciJo. I would like to comment on hiding porn. Your question "I would wonder what else he is hiding" is legitimate, but I know that for me, there is a certain level of embarassment that I feel about using it openly. My wife knows and is tolerant of my use, but I am not comfortable sharing it because it is not something she is interested in. I also think that my age has something to do with it - people weren't as open about porn in my youth as they are now. We all bought Playboy "to read the articles".
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Old 09-08-2009, 10:11 AM   #13
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Another thoughtful post, TraciJo. I would like to comment on hiding porn. Your question "I would wonder what else he is hiding" is legitimate, but I know that for me, there is a certain level of embarassment that I feel about using it openly. My wife knows and is tolerant of my use, but I am not comfortable sharing it because it is not something she is interested in. I also think that my age has something to do with it - people weren't as open about porn in my youth as they are now. We all bought Playboy "to read the articles".
Mies, I've actually never seen my husband using porn, nor have I uncovered any evidence that he does. For all I know, it could be something that he's just not interested in ... though I assume that, like you, he probably does view at times and simply doesn't wish to disclose that to me (for whatever reason). I've never cared enough to actually ask ... but if I did, I would expect an honest answer from him. Still ... given that we've never had any difficulties with porn, if I knew that he used it and embarrassment was the issue rather than a need for secrecy (which in turns fuels any kind of addiction), I don't think I'd be too upset about it. I know too many women, though, who feel that it is a big problem and it becomes this huge, loudly bellowing elephant in the room that both feel the need to tiptoe around. He, because he either refuses to acknowledge that it's a problem & uses the "healthy, red-blooded male" excuse; she, because it causes her tremendous emotional pain yet she doesn't see it as sufficient reason to end the relationship (again, for whatever that reason may be).

My sisters are deeply religious, and both strongly object to the usage of porn in any way at all (in fact, they consider it to be a 'perversion' of sorts). I disagree with their rationale, and I'd hate to be married to someone who felt so strongly about it. Yet, this is how they feel, and their feelings run deep, and they aren't ever going to change their minds. Their husbands know how they feel, knew before they were married, and I don't think it's an unreasonable request for them to abstain altogether, given how strongly their wives feel. I've never had any kind of discussion about this with my brothers-in-law ( @ how excruciating THAT conversation would be) but assume, given that it's a non-issue in their marital relationships, that they're agreeable to it.

And LOL @ "to read the articles" which is, in fact, the same excuse I used as a girl, when caught with my father's Playboy. It was at least partially true
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Old 09-08-2009, 01:19 PM   #14
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I would have a huge problem if our sex life was neglected because he was using porn to satisfy himself, if he was viewing certain types of porn, or if he was hiding it from me (I would wonder what else he was hiding).
This. Truthfully, if our sex life was neglected for porn, I don't think I could move past it. I can't think of anything more insulting, even if it is likely a compulsion and the guy needs help. I haven't come across this yet, thankfully.

I've known many male friends, gay and straight that seemed to have unhealthy obsession with porn, amassing huge collections(and spending a fortune in the process) that eventually become so unmanageable/overwhelming they get rid of it all. These types tend to hide what is going on but if I get a hint of that tendency in a man, I stay far away.
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Old 09-08-2009, 02:03 PM   #15
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I hope this thread will not be seen as an opportunity for controversy or for denying the valid feelings of some of us, or as an opportunity to try to cast people as "prudes" or "biddies."

This thread is for talking about the negative impact that porn can have on a relationship and about setting boundaries. While many women are perfectly fine with their SO's occasional use of porn--some even encouraging it--there's no denying that the ubiquity of porn in our lives can sometimes mean that "it gets to us."

Whether we're dealing with SOs who won't or can't cut back on or stop looking at porn--maybe some who have even stopped paying attention to us in favor of looking at porn, or who lie or try to conceal the extent or frequency of their porn use--or we're talking about the over-abundance of images of women as objects that can make us feel like we have to "keep up" to keep our SO's attentions, what negative effects do you think porn has had on your relationship and your life?

As well, how do you negotiate boundaries--again, in a culture where there is a seeming ever-increasing availability of pornographic images of women--with your SO about porn?

Any and all constructive replies are welcome.


in my personal opinion boundaries for porn are like boundaries for anything that can potentially be abused in a relationship. abusive substances are potential deal breakers. its the same as it always has been for me both before and after internet porn. yes i remember pre internet hehe. this is just my opinion: i am comfortable with a guy viewing porn as long as it doesn't impact his or his woman's life negatively. it should be his own private personal business. i don't want to see it, know about it or exactly why how and who he likes about it. but i think he has a right to have private fantasies because even if he is with me he still belongs to himself just like my thoughts are my own. i respect that. i don't go through a man's phone, computer or anything else. i don't call a man to check up on him. if he doesn't want to be with me i can't force him. the way i look at it is if i'm that worried something is already wrong. i don't need corraboration. if he makes me feel as though i have to compete with any other woman in any form for his affection all bets are off anyway. if he was really interested he wouldn't want to make me feel that way. if you are the type who has to look through things to find stuff you are unhappy with looking at you really need to find someone who has a similar outlook that you do in my opinion. i don't think you'll feel very happy about having to police a man that your with. he might resent you for it as well. if porn does impact the rest of his life too it can be an obssession or an addiction. in that case a woman can make any decision she likes to deal with the problem. she can ask him to get treatment or counseling, and if he doesn't she needs to decide if she can deal with it our not.

my personal feeling is that if a man is always talking to you about porn or viewing porn all of the time he has a problem because: most thoughtful men who are that deeply into porn would not react the way that they might expect you to react if you were always talking about and looking at porn actors in front of them. they would be hurt if you were always talking about how hot you found some guy to be and using thier image to to mastrubate to with thier full knowledge even when they were available. i think he'd be especially hurt if you actually preferred that kind of interaction to him. if he truly doesn't care anymore he is really far gone for sure. if he can't understand your feeling that way you have to step back and think about whether he really has the kind of emotional intelligence you need in a man. believe me, here are a lot of men out there who don't need you to explain why that would be a problem for you. you really need to think about what your dealing with if you have one of those. addiction isn't the only problem you could face.

no one should make you feel bad if you can't tolerate a certian thing in man. after all its your life. you know what you want. you don't have to sacrifice your feelings to anyone

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Old 09-08-2009, 02:40 PM   #16
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There's another thread somewhere where I and others tried to hash out the "why" most porn that's produced is not made for women, and the implications of that on the line of argument that tries to hold that "men are OK with women watching porn, why shouldn't women be OK with men watching porn." In a nut, while some women enjoy the kind of porn that's out there, most porn is made expressly for male enjoyment. I'll try to find a link to that later and post it here.

But in any case, I'd like to avoid that kind of discussion here if we can. I thought this could be a place not to try to convince anyone that porn is normal and healthy, etc.--many people already feel that way yet have to strain to cope with the scale or extent of a partner's habit--but to talk about the real impact that it has on the lives of people whose SOs use it.
i think most men who say they don't have a problem with women watching porn is because for them its more of an idea than it is a reality--more so if they know she is mastrubating with it. i think they'd probably have the same reaction a lot of women do if things were really the same on all levels.
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Old 09-08-2009, 03:40 PM   #17
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As a woman, the kind of porn I'd enjoy seeing is having a man take care of all my household chores, while I maintain control of the remote control, thank you very much.
Or how about this?


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Old 09-09-2009, 12:45 PM   #18
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i think most men who say they don't have a problem with women watching porn is because for them its more of an idea than it is a reality--more so if they know she is mastrubating with it. i think they'd probably have the same reaction a lot of women do if things were really the same on all levels.
I think you are probably right here.

In my first marraige my sexual appetite was a HUGE issue. I wanted sex more than him, I wanted more than variety than he did, I enjoyed vibrators and other such things, and I would want to watch porn with him which made him uncomfortable.

I don't even know if this ties in to the subject anymore. It did in my head when I first started writing it but then I forgot where I was going with it.
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Old 09-09-2009, 01:13 PM   #19
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I don't even know if this ties in to the subject anymore. It did in my head when I first started writing it but then I forgot where I was going with it.
I think it did. I suspect that this isn't as uncommon as all that....but how many guys would complain to anyone other than their partner? You can imagine what response most guys (and probably some women) would give him.
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Old 09-09-2009, 01:17 PM   #20
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I suppose that anyone who has read my posts about porn knows how I feel about it. I think that in general ours has become a porn-normalized society, and to its detriment, because it's seeped into almost every level and aspect of society, which I don't think is healthy (porn ring tones, thongs for little girls, mainstream videos having been directed by porn directors -- let's leave porn within the adult realm, shall we?). And with porn being so easily accessible, porn addictions (a relative of sex addiction) has become the fastest growing addiction in recent years. Maybe it could be that in some ways, wanking to porn is quick and efficient in a society that counts time in nanoseconds and with workers who spend more time at work than ever and have dwindling free time with spouses. Dunno. Anyway...

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I've tried to point out to her that his addiction to porn likely has nothing to do with her at all -- it seems to me (unlicensed armchair therapist that I am ) that his particular core issue is that he's afraid of intimacy.
Ask any expert in the area and they will tell you that that is exactly true, Traci.
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As a woman, the kind of porn I'd enjoy seeing is having a man take care of all my household chores, while I maintain control of the remote control, thank you very much.
LOL Janelle, they have a calender at Borders that is just up your alley. It's photos of half-naked men doing chores around the house. What I don't like as much is that it has these pat-answer word balloons that say "Yes, dear, whatever you want, dear" and the like. Not a fan of the condescending, pat 'husband-like' answers, but enjoyed the photos.
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Whether we're dealing with SOs who won't or can't cut back on or stop looking at porn--maybe some who have even stopped paying attention to us in favor of looking at porn, or who lie or try to conceal the extent or frequency of their porn use--or we're talking about the over-abundance of images of women as objects that can make us feel like we have to "keep up" to keep our SO's attentions, what negative effects do you think porn has had on your relationship and your life?
What is 'normal' porn usage? I have no idea, but I do believe that one is looking at some form of habit-turned-addiction if one's partner is spending inordinate amounts of time browsing porn, collecting porn (hoarding, really), taking time and sexual energy away from his (and porn addicts are almost always male, while the female-to-male ratio of sex addicts is a bit higher than that of porn addicts) partner, and most importantly, lies about it repeatedly, even to himself. There is a lot of shame surrounding sex for many, and the lying and hiding and being in denial can just become ingrained.

Further, I've wondered if the ratio of porn addict FAs isn't even a bit higher than in the rest of society. The reason I say this is that liking fat women has for so long been a kind of 'shameful attraction in many ways, so that many (if not most) go underground for a while after realizing their preference and before deciding not to give a shit. That already is encouragement to hide and lie and be furtive about it. Can kind of set up the foundation for some of the behaviors that can signal possible addiction (hoarding, because until more recently there haven't been a lot of paysites and images of naked and half-naked fat women -- and hiding, because of the aforementioned). Anyway, just one of those things I've pondered.

Quote:
As well, how do you negotiate boundaries--again, in a culture where there is a seeming ever-increasing availability of pornographic images of women--with your SO about porn?
IMO, that depends upon if one's SO is willing and able to admit there is a problem, if there is one. And second, is it something that you (the general "you") don't like the idea of him doing (viewing porn, I mean), or does it truly seem to be an addiction, where he is taking time away from you in order to go masturbate to porn so that your sex life is suffering, and is he lying about it so that your relationship intimacy and ability to trust is suffering? Has it gone beyond that, so that it has escalated and he's starting to spend more and more time viewing porn and less and less with you? Is he starting to chat with other women, do cam connections, actually planning on hooking up and registering on personals sites? If so, and you don't mind that he does such things, fine. But for most in a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship, this is as dangerous to the intimacy, trust and actual viability of a relationship as if one were living with a practicing drug addict or alcoholic. Moreso in some ways, if he is taking it to the real-life level, he's leaving himself, and you, open to disease. These men who have gone so far with it often have to lose their jobs, their wives and children, to be able to see that it's a problem in their lives. If you look around, you'll see women who are the walking wounded after having been in a LTR with a sex addict. Here, the end brings me to the beginning:
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As with any behavior that needs to be "negotiated" or compromised on in a mate, I think it's best to know what you're (the general you) getting into before becoming deeply involved. I understand internet porn has broken up marriages - if your partner is "into" that, then it's best to know about it upfront and decide if you can tolerate it, not how much, but if.
If you're getting into a relationship with a porn addict, you may have no clue at all, because it's often a secret, shameful addiction that is being well-hidden. Living with the person can often give clues, though, because it's hard to totally hide what one is from the person they spend their lives with. Early on, it's easy to dismiss porn use as being 'normal,' and especially if the relationship is intimate, with plenty of sex. As it goes along, many partners of addicts start to see evidence of more than just a little porn use, and also notice a declining sex life. By the time you see what he is, you're often already in love. Now what? Often, the addict must give up the porn use, but more importantly, always must give up the lying and hiding. That ends up being the true boundary when it comes to actual addiction.

So, no, not all guys who look at porn are addicts, certainly. But my focus here is on addiction because of the way the OP is worded. If it were just a simple matter of a few pictures, there wouldn't be much to talk about.
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This is where I stand, too. If you can respect my comfort level and agreed-upon boundaries, then it's fine. In the end, this is what it may be about for ALL couples?
Yes, I think so, if boundaries are able to be respected. If it's not an addiction and common ground is able to be met upon, wherein the person who is viewing porn is an active participant in drawing the boundaries and is willing and able to actually stay within them.
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I think, too, that maybe porn precipitates problems a couple would have at some point, sooner or later, in any case. A person who lies about the extent of his or her porn use is a liar any way you slice it--not to mention inconsiderate and not worthy of trust. The issue then is not the porn, right? It's the lack of integrity.
IMO it's both. The porn is the vehicle, though, because often it will be the thing he has chosen to lie about the most, if he is an addict. In that case, they are intertwined, and what will often happen is that he cannot separate the porn use from the lying and vice-versa. Ingrained shame-driven lies.
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We have ALL known the woman that says "it is disrespectful for him to be watching porn, or for him to say he thinks another woman is attractive. I should be the only person he has eyes for." That alone can make a guy become really secretive about even a completely normal, average porn habit.
Heh. As if anyone will never find any person other than their mate attractive, eh? That's ridiculous. So much has to do with how it is expressed, though. Yes, you're right that with some it's a real sign of low self-esteem and they feel threatened by any possibility of attraction to anyone else -- like even a celebrity, from afar. It's another thing if one's mate is obviously ogling other women in a wolfish way and within a moment already has her undressed in his mind and is half-way to hard. That, to me, is totally disrespectful, and is something that would warn me away from the guy in an instant. Been there, no thanks.
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I think it's a matter of boundaries and respect, again. What about the person who uses porn every chance he gets? Even if you're OK with porn use, isn't that particular scenario then "disrespectful of him," in your average, normal couple?
I think it's way more complicated than respect or disrespect. Way more complicated.
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i think most men who say they don't have a problem with women watching porn is because for them its more of an idea than it is a reality--more so if they know she is mastrubating with it. i think they'd probably have the same reaction a lot of women do if things were really the same on all levels.
I think that also porn use is often less problematic when it comes to women viewing it than men in the sense that there are fewer women who are addicted to it. Not only that, but it’s sometimes bonus points with guys who are into porn for a woman to say that she likes it, too – so that rather than her being stigmatized for it, she gets points.

For those wondering about porn addiction, here is a online test in order to gauge whether there may be a problem with porn addiction, and an interesting link...
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Old 09-10-2009, 04:21 PM   #21
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Reading this thread.....I started thinking about how I wouldn't mind a sister thread about HER porn use and his feelings about it. Women luvs teh pr0n, too......
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Old 09-10-2009, 08:30 PM   #22
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That would likely be something for the FA/FFA board, I think. I would expect it to be very different.
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:54 AM   #23
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I discuss this early in a relationship, when appropriate.

I state my feelings on the issue, and listen to his. We work something out.

I had a boyfriend who swore up and down he didn't look at it, and then I found some pretty crazy stuff on his PC when trying to find a file I saved. I talked to him about it, didn't yell or anything crazy - sometimes people are just embarassed to open up about that stuff.

If I were to have this happen a second time, I think it would be an issue of incompatibility and perhaps trust, but I play it by ear. :P
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Old 09-11-2009, 08:08 PM   #24
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That would likely be something for the FA/FFA board, I think. I would expect it to be very different.

Winds up James doesn't want it on the FA/FFA board so I asked him to put it on the weight board.
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:28 PM   #25
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As someone who used to make compilation videos for couples (hetero and lesbian), I would say every situation is unique.

We have to look at it from two perspectives: Is it the amount/style of porn or the frequency/usage? Let's say the woman wants sex 2-3 times a week but he wants it every night. Either she can't or won't do it that often, or perhaps he simply doesn't want to obligate her. He goes to his special place, pulls out a video and does the deed. He may be thinking about his lady, perhaps not. His needs satisfied, he goes back to bed or whatever, and moves on. His relationship is secure, he's still servicing his lady and she doesn't want (or care) what he uses to get off on the side. In some cases they choose a porn to watch together to get into the mood, but it goes away once the foreplay intensifies or the sex begins. In other cases the couple ends up making their own porn (wink wink nudge nudge saynomore).

Then the other perspective is the guy who needs it saturating every aspect of his life. He has porn ringtones that his gf/wife hears, he needs porn to get her in the mood, porn to get himself in the mood to be with her, or he's completely ignored her for the fantasy that he can't have. Perhaps what he enjoys in fantasy he doesn't dare ask for in reality, or figures there's some sort of boundary of acceptance (I forget about that movie scene where the gangster is talking about the oral he gets from his mistress, and when his buddy asks why his wife just doesn't to it he says "heyy, she kisses our kids with that mouth.").

In the former case, I see little problem. If the guy is however going to his special place to watch Japanese tentacle rape porn and always pictures that when he's with his lady, then we have obviously crossed a line. If they choose some couples title from Vivid, and they talk over what they like and dislike, or she offers to do something based on the video, then to me it's an enhancement. My cardinal rule is that porn should be an enhancement at best, a placebo when necessary, but never a replacement for healthy sexual relations.

In the latter case, and as other prior posters have indicated, that would be a problem. When someone asks how much is too much, the response I have is whether a flesh and blood woman still arouses him without porn present. Porn also tends to have a precipice effect; milder scenes sometimes (not always) lead to more hardcore, more fetishistic, more fantastical scenes. This is often the boat the anti-porn crusaders ride: Pinups lead to Playboy, which leads to hardcore XXX which leads to fetish porn which leads to bondage porn which leads to illegal rape porn which leads to actual rape which leads to rape/murder and so on. This does happen, in rare instances but it's not the norm.

Also there is this issue of disclosing the types of porn a person watches. This to me is always dangerous territory, like asking someone how many lovers they've had in the past. Let's assume we exclude the really dark territory stuff like snuff, pedo, illegal stuff. Take an average guy. He likes different types of porn, but he gets really turned on by a guy ejaculating on a woman's face. There's a very good chance he would either never ask his lady to perform this act for him, or an even better chance that if he were, she would outright refuse, possibly with a strong rebuke. It's one of the few acts I've seen in porn that I find very little reflection in real life; in porn, it's practically de rigueur and some viewers are - I'm sad to relate - almost angry when a woman on the video turns away from the money shot. God forbid a fantasy woman not enjoy the thing she is doing

The only response I could make to a woman who suddenly finds her man's computer hard drive or video box full of hardcore anal or facial porn is not to prejudge. There's a good chance he had that interest before meeting you, and that it has little to do with how he desires you or sees you; it's an outlet for his fantasies, and there is likely a good chance he may never expect or ask you to replicate it. In a slightly similar analogy, just because your husband spends a lot of money and time on fantasy football doesn't mean he'd leave you in a heartbeat for a chance to play the gridiron. If however he starts buying Vaseline by the case or thinks squirting you with a water gun full of hand lotion is hot, you may want to have a heart-to-heart.

Obviously mileage varies. Some couples have made peace with each other's respective porn (a girlfriend of mine long ago LOVED watching gay porn--it was not my cup of tea, nor did she grab her dildo and eye my butt lasciviously), and in some cases it has wrecked relationships and marriages.
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