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Old 09-08-2009, 02:52 PM   #1
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Default Emotional Intelligence?

what level of emotional intelligence in your SO works for you? should they be cued in or are you ready to work with them a lot. do you think all of the "i didn't know" excuses are genuine or are they mainly a put on for avoidance sake? do you think its right that we tend to expect less emotional intelligence form men that women--or do we?

where i am at this point in my life is that i really like a high level of emotional intelligence. i've kind of run out of patience. i like as close to move in condition as i can get. i think my age has a lot to do with it. i tend to try to date a lot inside of my age group. if a man hasn't developed some emotional understanding by then i wonder if he ever will. will he? can you teach an old dog new tricks? when i was younger i think i was much more willing but now i just want to get on with living instead of what i now think of as making the preparations. i don't know if this is the right way to think or not but its how i feel anyway.

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Old 09-08-2009, 04:21 PM   #2
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I'm too old for those fixer uppers myself Felecia......
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Old 09-08-2009, 04:41 PM   #3
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It depends. I'm not sure I've ever really dated someone who had high emotional intelligence though - so consider the source .

I've dated and had relationships with a lot of socially awkward types (read: geeks n' nerds) and most of the time, at least in my experience, they weren't really up on emotions and what motivates people and the like. The thing that made me hang in there (I'm not the world's most patient person) was that for the most part there was an inquisitive and/or teachable nature in the guy. As long as I can take a stab at explaining what's going on and why I'm acting the way I am, or why homeslice did what they did - then I'm cool.

It's when there's a whole attitude of emotions being inconsequential or illogical that drives me batty and I've gotta get to the door.
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Old 09-08-2009, 04:45 PM   #4
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Old 09-08-2009, 07:51 PM   #5
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Old 09-08-2009, 08:21 PM   #6
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I need a guy with high emotional intelligence. At my age I have too many male friends who are just having a hard time dealing with adulthood, and I always ask them why some things are so hard for them. I feel sorry for their girlfriends sometimes for having to put up with it, cause I wouldn't. As it is, it drive me crazy having to explain for the umpteenth time why some of the things they do regarding relationships are immature and selfish. I have no desire to mommy anyone right now, and I suspect that as I get older, my tolerance for this sort of thing will just get lower and lower.
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Old 09-08-2009, 11:45 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
what level of emotional intelligence in your SO works for you? should they be cued in or are you ready to work with them a lot. do you think all of the "i didn't know" excuses are genuine or are they mainly a put on for avoidance sake? do you think its right that we tend to expect less emotional intelligence form men that women--or do we?

where i am at this point in my life is that i really like a high level of emotional intelligence. i've kind of run out of patience. i like as close to move in condition as i can get. i think my age has a lot to do with it. i tend to try to date a lot inside of my age group. if a man hasn't developed some emotional understanding by then i wonder if he ever will. will he? can you teach an old dog new tricks? when i was younger i think i was much more willing but now i just want to get on with living instead of what i now think of as making the preparations. i don't know if this is the right way to think or not but its how i feel anyway.
Your best shot in finding a man with emotional intelligence is to look at younger men, as they do not have the same gender role hangups as older men. Men particularly the baby boomer generation believed that women would live out their emotional lives for them. To cope with one's emotions takes willingness and practice over time. Why should men be willing if they do not see a payoff for coping with their emotions. What is unfortunate about men is that they think that their feelings have nothing to do with their thoughts so at some level they are in conflict with themselves. Women have evolved from feminism and having more exposure in the world; therefore we are unwilling to be satisfied with the kind of man our mothers were satisfied with.
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Old 09-09-2009, 01:40 AM   #8
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Your best shot in finding a man with emotional intelligence is to look at younger men, as they do not have the same gender role hangups as older men. Men particularly the baby boomer generation believed that women would live out their emotional lives for them. To cope with one's emotions takes willingness and practice over time. Why should men be willing if they do not see a payoff for coping with their emotions. What is unfortunate about men is that they think that their feelings have nothing to do with their thoughts so at some level they are in conflict with themselves. Women have evolved from feminism and having more exposure in the world; therefore we are unwilling to be satisfied with the kind of man our mothers were satisfied with.
Do all older males have gender role hangups? I know this to be untrue and to say so is very unfair. I don't think that younger men have more emotional intelligence than older men. I think it is evenly random for all physically mature males. I believe that females share the same randomness. They will be and are taught by post-post boomer parents and if their emotional education comes from a stable base, they can hope to achieve some intelligence. If the boomers are messed up, then is it safe to assume that the Generation Jones' will be messed up also and so on...? So where do the younger, more intelligent men rise up from? Do you believe that a positive comes from two negatives or that the female influence will be enough to counter any negative influence from the older or contemporary male influences? If these young men cannot find positive role models in their parent/s, where can they look to for guidance? MTV TRL? Where are these young men getting all this emotional education that makes them more suitable for older women?

I find your last sentence to be narrow minded. There seems to be a lot of negative emotion behind those words. My grandmother ran a counseling center for unwed mothers from the home my grandfather built for the two of them. She was able to do this for many years because of the understanding and support of her husband. My father freely gives his love and time to my mother, my brother and sisters, their church and several charities. I am very proud of him and am grateful to have him as my role model. My grandmother and mother made a union with their husbands that I believe helped them grow as women as well as a couple. None of them ended up with the short end of the stick. I strive to be the kind of man that my mother is satisfied with.
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Old 09-09-2009, 02:25 AM   #9
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Do all older males have gender role hangups? I know this to be untrue and to say so is very unfair. I don't think that younger men have more emotional intelligence than older men. I think it is evenly random for all physically mature males. I believe that females share the same randomness. They will be and are taught by post-post boomer parents and if their emotional education comes from a stable base, they can hope to achieve some intelligence. If the boomers are messed up, then is it safe to assume that the Generation Jones' will be messed up also and so on...? So where do the younger, more intelligent men rise up from? Do you believe that a positive comes from two negatives or that the female influence will be enough to counter any negative influence from the older or contemporary male influences? If these young men cannot find positive role models in their parent/s, where can they look to for guidance? MTV TRL? Where are these young men getting all this emotional education that makes them more suitable for older women?

I find your last sentence to be narrow minded. There seems to be a lot of negative emotion behind those words. My grandmother ran a counseling center for unwed mothers from the home my grandfather built for the two of them. She was able to do this for many years because of the understanding and support of her husband. My father freely gives his love and time to my mother, my brother and sisters, their church and several charities. I am very proud of him and am grateful to have him as my role model. My grandmother and mother made a union with their husbands that I believe helped them grow as women as well as a couple. None of them ended up with the short end of the stick. I strive to be the kind of man that my mother is satisfied with.
maybe she should have said in her experience...

i would have to agree with her as far as gender roles and issues though, men of my age i feel have more specific ideas as to what they feel they should be...i feel the younger age group roles with the punches a little more and are not as bound by convention....does that make more sense??
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Old 09-09-2009, 10:39 AM   #10
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maybe she should have said in her experience...

i would have to agree with her as far as gender roles and issues though, men of my age i feel have more specific ideas as to what they feel they should be...i feel the younger age group roles with the punches a little more and are not as bound by convention....does that make more sense??
I believe that the experience of katherine22 is exactly as stated. I also believe that other women feel the same way. I think it is unfortunate that there are a lot of women that haven't met any/enough emotionally intelligent men to have such feelings and to make such statements.

I hear what you're saying, but these younger people are being taught or following the example of somebody/s. Where are these kids getting their instruction? Are they only learning from their single mothers? Are they learning to be men and how to relate to women in a responsible manner from sources other than their fathers or other males? Maybe there is a study on it.
I think I have met enough men to speculate that there are many emotionally intelligent males out there, but I don't think they are in the majority. I think I have met enough women to speculate that there are more emotionally intelligent women than there are men-but that doesn't put them in the majority either.
If you are only going to have NSA sex or one night stands, then what does it matter if anybody is emotionally intelligent? Do you get that deep with a one-off? Most would be hard pressed to remember the name of the ONS. I believe that making a relationship work is very difficult and a part of this difficulty is understanding that there can be several roads to the same destination, not just your road. To accept this knowledge without prejudice is even more difficult.
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Old 09-09-2009, 12:45 PM   #11
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Your best shot in finding a man with emotional intelligence is to look at younger men, as they do not have the same gender role hangups as older men. Men particularly the baby boomer generation believed that women would live out their emotional lives for them. To cope with one's emotions takes willingness and practice over time. Why should men be willing if they do not see a payoff for coping with their emotions. What is unfortunate about men is that they think that their feelings have nothing to do with their thoughts so at some level they are in conflict with themselves. Women have evolved from feminism and having more exposure in the world; therefore we are unwilling to be satisfied with the kind of man our mothers were satisfied with.
i agree with you that a lot of younger men don't have the gender role hang ups that some older men have. but i also know a lot of older men who also have a greater since of responsibility and maturity than some younger men because of those same tradtional expectations. that can be a comfort as well. so i think it balances out. i think it really depends on the person and how they manifest whatever generation they come from. for instance there are some men who adhere to the old gender stereotypes in ways that i'm totally comfortable with personally. that means they feel a sense of responsibility for everything they do and everything around them that they can have an impact on. and that does not include meaning they have to stop me from living my own life as i see fit. controlling what i do is not much of a concern to a man like that because he is too busy as we say down south" handling his own business". the traditional gender stereotype where i am is that a man who spends too much time in the business of women isn't really too much of a man. so women are free to do as they like because its not seen to impact what a man does. he is supposed to be proud of her but not care too much about micromanaging her. it just goes to show that the old rules did not have to be carried out in ways that were abusive to women. some have also freed women in a certian way. and since i'm not planning on having children anymore a lot of the truly restrictive rules don't apply to me.

sometimes when i date a much younger man i miss some of the traditional things. i miss that a man has to try more for me. i miss being treated like a lady. there is nothing wrong with how younger people are. i love how they are casual about a lot of things. i respect and admire them. i like what they do. but there are some things i have personally grown to appreciate and often miss in a much younger man. i miss an overall appearance of purposefulness. i like not having a man in everything that i do so that i can have a life that is my own. i don't generally want to discuss my work much with my guy. because i'm an artist its important for me not to have too much of that kind of influence on me. it causes me to feel blocked. but thats a steretype too since a young man can do those things as well. my concerns are not so much about the battle of the sexes but about being with someone you feel understood by and have common experiences with. it doesn't really matter if they are older or younger really but mainly i feel more comfortable with people my own age because they tend to know where i'm coming from more often and i don't find myself having to explain why i feel the way that i do so much.

another reason Katherine has a great point is because i also think a lot of older men who are emotionally intelligent are already in a relationship. they truly want that. so a lot of the well adjusted ones are probably not available anymore. but they are out there. and they are NOT looking fo something on the side because they are fully connected with who they are with and thier families as they should be. it makes sense that its easier to find that kind of man who is younger because he hasn't made that commitment yet. it can really make it tough if you refuse to get involved in someone else's relationship. but the kind of man who would do that is not emotionally intelligent anyway--otherwise he'd have had counseling with his wife or moved on already.

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Old 09-09-2009, 01:15 PM   #12
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There's a lot of "younger ones" and "older ones" that have been talked about thus far.

In reading the posts I can honestly say I got lost because I'm not really sure what age ranges everyone is referring to when they say "younger" or "older", and since age range seems to have become an important theme in y'all's posts - thought it might be something I should be hip to. Can I get some clarification on younger and older in the context we're talking about?

Is it younger or older in comparison to the person in question - or is it an actual age range in general that we're talking about?
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Old 09-09-2009, 06:45 PM   #13
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Men older than me.....they seem to want a woman younger than myself.....or for me to be their handmaiden/mother that hangs on their every boring, stifled, begrudgingly given word. Every once in a while, there is one that can be nice...even interesting or exciting....but hung up about the age difference. That's ironic when I have dated men around 15+ years younger than myself and they have no concern whatsoever over the age difference....

Those younger ones DO have a different mentality, IN MY EXPERIENCE

I stick with the young-uns most of the time......but have been talking to one my own age lately. That's a wild experience
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Old 09-09-2009, 06:49 PM   #14
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If by emotional intelligence are you suggesting a man be compassionate and thoughtful. Perhaps even aware of his SO's feelings and mood?
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Old 09-09-2009, 06:57 PM   #15
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Men who not only have ' emotional intelligence ' with me...but also with others...and it doesn't just come out when I am around to witness it. You can tell.

I don't have a desire to teach. I think a person has the ability...or they don't. If you have to read a book, or pick anothers brain...you ain't got it...you ain't ever going to have it...at least not the level I require.

Also, if they are very clued into many other things, but not you...it might be that you are just not very important. That is always a more depreessing thing to consider. It's much more fun to fix ' em....right?
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Old 09-09-2009, 07:17 PM   #16
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If by emotional intelligence are you suggesting a man be compassionate and thoughtful. Perhaps even aware of his SO's feelings and mood?
Yup-- at least, that's how I define emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, that's not always a given. I know a lot of men who don't have bad intentions, they just aren't wired to take other people into consideration. Some, like the men comaseason mentioned, are apparently willing to learn how to be empathetic. Others insist on doing things their way no matter what and then get pissed when they can't maintain friendships. Empirical evidence has suggested to me that pursuing a committed relationship with the latter sort of man is a bad idea.

On the other hand... I have to wonder if my own EI is lacking, in a different sort of way. Namely, my tendency to take things personally and the difficulty I have communicating my feelings in an open and honest manner. That can't make things easy for a guy who feels like I'm inscrutable.

Oh, nice signature.
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Old 09-10-2009, 05:29 PM   #17
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Lots of people mentioned that now that they're older, they're less willing to teach.. maybe I'm just an impatient person but that already is a deal breaker for me and I'm 18. Insensitivity, lack of communication, unable to read me at all or unable to deal with my emotions or an unwillingness to discuss emotions (all of which is part of how I define 'emotional intelligence') is a huge red flag for me. I don't have the patience, the time, the willingness, etc etc to try to teach someone. To me, you either got it or you don't.

Building off of Star's response above, I think it's reasonable for me to expect these things out of a SO because I think that I fit that description. I'm not asking for something I am unable or unwilling to provide.
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Old 09-10-2009, 06:57 PM   #18
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I have to say I don't really buy into the whole notion of either having EI or not having it - like it's an innate gift. While I believe that there are certain people that have a natural aptitude for it, I also believe that for certain people that *want* to understand people and their emotions, motivations, etc. it's something that can be learned.

Also, having a low to non-existent EI and being actually emotionally immature can look an awful lot like the same thing. Most boys/men do take longer to mature emotionally than girls/women.

I get and respect that some people don't have the patience to deal with men that haven't really come into their own yet. I myself am NOT a very patient person, and at the end of the day it's all about what works for you. For me I just know there are a lot of good men out there who just simply don't know and don't understand - until you take some time and effort to explain it to them. I'm not talking about jerks or assholes - the ones where you can TELL they don't care about your thoughts or feelings or what drives you or why you respond to stuff the way you do. I'm talking about the truly clueless, that do things unintentionally.

I have no problem teaching, I have no problem explaining - it's not something that bothers me. Baggy pants... now there's something that bothers me... but I can save that for another thread.
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Old 09-10-2009, 07:09 PM   #19
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I believe that the experience of katherine22 is exactly as stated. I also believe that other women feel the same way. I think it is unfortunate that there are a lot of women that haven't met any/enough emotionally intelligent men to have such feelings and to make such statements.

I hear what you're saying, but these younger people are being taught or following the example of somebody/s. Where are these kids getting their instruction? Are they only learning from their single mothers? Are they learning to be men and how to relate to women in a responsible manner from sources other than their fathers or other males? Maybe there is a study on it.
I think I have met enough men to speculate that there are many emotionally intelligent males out there, but I don't think they are in the majority. I think I have met enough women to speculate that there are more emotionally intelligent women than there are men-but that doesn't put them in the majority either.
If you are only going to have NSA sex or one night stands, then what does it matter if anybody is emotionally intelligent? Do you get that deep with a one-off? Most would be hard pressed to remember the name of the ONS. I believe that making a relationship work is very difficult and a part of this difficulty is understanding that there can be several roads to the same destination, not just your road. To accept this knowledge without prejudice is even more difficult.

It is obvious that one night stands have no value to you. I think it requires emotional intelligence to negotiate a one night stand. You state that you are hard pressed to remember the name of the person that engaged in a one night stand with you. It seems that a one night stands get only so much of your attention in the process of engagment. Other people may put alot in a one night stand since they want it to be pleasurable for their partner as well as for themselves. A one night stand can be quite wonderful depending on your perceptions about it.
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Old 09-11-2009, 03:34 AM   #20
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It is obvious that one night stands have no value to you. I think it requires emotional intelligence to negotiate a one night stand. You state that you are hard pressed to remember the name of the person that engaged in a one night stand with you. It seems that a one night stands get only so much of your attention in the process of engagment. Other people may put alot in a one night stand since they want it to be pleasurable for their partner as well as for themselves. A one night stand can be quite wonderful depending on your perceptions about it.
It isn't obvious that ONS' have no value to me because I didn't comment on its "value" at all. I don't see where you came up with that. I also did not state that I cannot remember the names of ONS'. I indicated "most" people. That could include me, but it may not. I don't understand how one can care so much about another's "emotional intelligence" and why it is so important-if you are just going to toss it away after the sun rises. That is why I asked the question.
I do not believe it takes any intelligence, emotional or otherwise to negotiate a one night stand. ONS' can only get so much of your or my attention. Exactly one night. You feel that you can put "a lot" into a ONS-I can't disagree because I don't have a clue what you feel "a lot" is. It is completely subjective. Your "a lot" may seem miniscule to me. I would argue that you can better determine a persons emotional intelligence if you have more time to study it. I think that one night is not an adequate amount of time to determine it.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:47 AM   #21
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Old 09-11-2009, 10:49 PM   #22
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It isn't obvious that ONS' have no value to me because I didn't comment on its "value" at all. I don't see where you came up with that. I also did not state that I cannot remember the names of ONS'. I indicated "most" people. That could include me, but it may not. I don't understand how one can care so much about another's "emotional intelligence" and why it is so important-if you are just going to toss it away after the sun rises. That is why I asked the question.
I do not believe it takes any intelligence, emotional or otherwise to negotiate a one night stand. ONS' can only get so much of your or my attention. Exactly one night. You feel that you can put "a lot" into a ONS-I can't disagree because I don't have a clue what you feel "a lot" is. It is completely subjective. Your "a lot" may seem miniscule to me. I would argue that you can better determine a persons emotional intelligence if you have more time to study it. I think that one night is not an adequate amount of time to determine it.

It is a values call. Some people can walk away with a sense of completeness after being with someone for one night others cannot. I do not understand what you mean by tossing away emotional intelligence after the sun rises. What does that mean. After the sun rises you thank the person for a lovely time then say good bye. Being with someone has a beginning a middle and an end whether it is one night or 30 years.
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Old 09-12-2009, 05:35 AM   #23
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Being with someone has a beginning a middle and an end whether it is one night or 30 years.
You make a good point here.......
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:10 PM   #24
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It is a values call. Some people can walk away with a sense of completeness after being with someone for one night others cannot. I do not understand what you mean by tossing away emotional intelligence after the sun rises. What does that mean. After the sun rises you thank the person for a lovely time then say good bye. Being with someone has a beginning a middle and an end whether it is one night or 30 years.
From opening junk mail to tripping on a rock and falling on your face to eating a bowl of cereal; everything has a beginning, middle and end. Does that make it just as significant as a 30 year relationship? No. Does a "tweet" have the same literary significance as War and Peace? Nope. Should they be compared? No. I agree that this is all based on value. I understand that everybody values life, relationships and sex differently.
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Old 09-13-2009, 09:35 AM   #25
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From opening junk mail to tripping on a rock and falling on your face to eating a bowl of cereal; everything has a beginning, middle and end. Does that make it just as significant as a 30 year relationship? No. Does a "tweet" have the same literary significance as War and Peace? Nope. Should they be compared? No. I agree that this is all based on value. I understand that everybody values life, relationships and sex differently.

Considering that one out of every two marriages fail, good luck with your 30 year relationship.
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