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Old 09-13-2009, 09:50 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
Considering that one out of every two marriages fail, good luck with your 30 year relationship.
That's not a very nice thing to say. It seems like a very bitter response. Would you say that was an emotionally intelligent response?
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Old 09-13-2009, 01:21 PM   #27
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That's not a very nice thing to say. It seems like a very bitter response. Would you say that was an emotionally intelligent response?
I can appreciate your value of a 30 year relationship as it seems you witnessed a good marriage in your family, etc. I think you took a high handed tone in stating that it required no emotional intelligence to negotiate a one night stand. In other words anyone who would "settle" for a one night stand was some sort of bottom feeder. Whatever two consenting adults agree on in privacy is not anyone's business. Live and let live-now that is emotional intelligence.



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Old 09-13-2009, 07:15 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
I can appreciate your value of a 30 year relationship as it seems you witnessed a good marriage in your family, etc. I think you took a high handed tone in stating that it required no emotional intelligence to negotiate a one night stand. In other words anyone who would "settle" for a one night stand was some sort of bottom feeder. Whatever two consenting adults agree on in privacy is not anyone's business. Live and let live-now that is emotional intelligence.



i
I think it takes more emotional intelligence to have a *successful* long term relationship. Any two people can end up in a relationship and both can be completely selfish and disrespectful. Which could make for an unpleasant relationship.

It also takes emotional intelligence to have a successful one night stand, meaning you actually bother to please the other person. It's really easy to have a one night stand and not give a shit about whether the other person is satisfied. It also takes emotional intelligence to make sure you are being satisfied during a one night stand, without offending the other person.

So you are both right, but about different aspects. In both scenarios effective communication and knowing yourself well are key.
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Old 09-13-2009, 08:46 PM   #29
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...a lot of older men who are emotionally intelligent are already in a relationship. they truly want that. so a lot of the well adjusted ones are probably not available anymore. but they are out there. and they are NOT looking for something on the side because they are fully connected with who they are with and their families as they should be.
Precisely. And to tar all men of a certain age with a negative stereotype is sexist, agist and worst of all often self defeating. When you go into a situation expecting just one thing that's usually what you find because it's all you're looking for, even if it's the last thing in the world you want.
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Old 09-13-2009, 08:55 PM   #30
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It depends. I'm not sure I've ever really dated someone who had high emotional intelligence though - so consider the source .

I've dated and had relationships with a lot of socially awkward types (read: geeks n' nerds) and most of the time, at least in my experience, they weren't really up on emotions and what motivates people and the like. The thing that made me hang in there (I'm not the world's most patient person) was that for the most part there was an inquisitive and/or teachable nature in the guy. As long as I can take a stab at explaining what's going on and why I'm acting the way I am, or why homeslice did what they did - then I'm cool.

It's when there's a whole attitude of emotions being inconsequential or illogical that drives me batty and I've gotta get to the door.
I'm not commenting directly on what you said, just that you reminded me that a lot of people tend to confuse social skills with emotional intelligence; and that while one can definitely benefit the other, they needn't go hand in hand. I've met surprisingly a lot of people who are very social but quite inept in emotional understanding and some who were vice versa. I wouldn't even necessarily say that people with/out a high degree emotional intelligence are entirely responsible for their level of maturity in that matter - although they should be aware of it at least - it might be just what happens to be their natural level of perception/awareness and that's what they go with.
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Old 09-13-2009, 09:13 PM   #31
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a lot of people tend to confuse social skills with emotional intelligence; and that while one can definitely benefit the other, they needn't go hand in hand.
agreed!
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I wouldn't even necessarily say that people with/out a high degree emotional intelligence are entirely responsible for their level of maturity in that matter - although they should be aware of it at least - it might be just what happens to be their natural level of perception/awareness and that's what they go with.
I guess that's the crucial issue there--especially from a somewhat older person POV. The idea being, given one's own natural emotional intelligence or lack thereof: what are you taking responsibility for regardless? Not in a magick you-must-guess-everything-I'm-thinking way, but...are you listening. Are you flexing the empathetic muscles at all. Trying to be fair. Responsive. Forgiving. In touch with your own feelings (oh man I just said "in touch with your feelings"). All that stuff. I guess I consider emotional intelligence/responsiveness important in relationships of all kinds, including friendship. Hmm. Still thinking about this...
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Old 09-13-2009, 10:40 PM   #32
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agreed!
I guess that's the crucial issue there--especially from a somewhat older person POV. The idea being, given one's own natural emotional intelligence or lack thereof: what are you taking responsibility for regardless? Not in a magick you-must-guess-everything-I'm-thinking way, but...are you listening. Are you flexing the empathetic muscles at all. Trying to be fair. Responsive. Forgiving. In touch with your own feelings (oh man I just said "in touch with your feelings"). All that stuff. I guess I consider emotional intelligence/responsiveness important in relationships of all kinds, including friendship. Hmm. Still thinking about this...
Yup, it's a heady problem. I'm struck by all the ways things can get confused even when things are normal, but I agree with you that trying is important if not the main thing. But from personal experience, I can't help but wonder what happens when someone continually tries but seems incapable of empathizing. Just thinking too much.
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Old 09-13-2009, 11:01 PM   #33
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I'm struck by all the ways things can get confused even when things are normal, but I agree with you that trying is important if not the main thing. But from personal experience, I can't help but wonder what happens when someone continually tries but seems incapable of empathizing.
Aye! Best intentions and lots of trying don't necessarily bridge any gap. And empathy isn't a panacea (can even be kind of paralyzing), although there's gotta be some.

I don't know either (is my point). And I'm sticking to it.
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Old 09-13-2009, 11:56 PM   #34
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Aye! Best intentions and lots of trying don't necessarily bridge any gap. And empathy isn't a panacea (can even be kind of paralyzing), although there's gotta be some.

I don't know either (is my point). And I'm sticking to it.

Works for me.
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Old 09-14-2009, 01:26 AM   #35
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agreed!
I guess that's the crucial issue there--especially from a somewhat older person POV. The idea being, given one's own natural emotional intelligence or lack thereof: what are you taking responsibility for regardless? Not in a magick you-must-guess-everything-I'm-thinking way, but...are you listening. Are you flexing the empathetic muscles at all. Trying to be fair. Responsive. Forgiving. In touch with your own feelings (oh man I just said "in touch with your feelings"). All that stuff. I guess I consider emotional intelligence/responsiveness important in relationships of all kinds, including friendship. Hmm. Still thinking about this...
i agree with this. i think when you talk about empathy in particular thats something thats not really teachable. people can be trained to look like or pretend they care but that doesn't really mean its so. there are some people who can just never focus on someone else's perspective. unfortunately when any new situations come up with people like that they can never figure out on thier own how they should handle it.

i personally prefer someone who is just naturally kind -- and not only just to me because they are interested. for me, i like men who treat all women nicely no matter whether they are sexually interested or not. i like it if a man's heart aches for those treated unjustly in the world. for me sweetness is the new hotness. i can't say how much it means to me to be attracted to someone and then also see that he is genuinely kind and caring--especially to people he isn't getting anything from. its really exciting when he goes out of his way to help someone else. i have a real weakness for people who volunteer etc... it really says something about a person if caring was always a part of his character without anyone having to tell him to be that way. what it says to me is that he genuinely has a loving nature. thats just who he is. that just tells me how capable he is of loving me too.

i also think that for me, wanting someone with emotional intelligence has a lot to do with wanting to respect the person that i am with. i like to admire a man's character and how he conducts himself with me and other people. i had never really thought about that before but i guess that being proud of someone and who he is has a big impact on why its as important to me as it is. i just like being able to feel like "wow what a great guy".
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:49 AM   #36
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Kind of responding/building off of what Liz and Littleghost were saying: Being intelligent and actually thinking are very different things, and while raw intelligence may be more impressive, I think the people who actually use whatever intelligence they have regularly navigate the world better.

I suspect much the same applies to emotional intelligence. Some people seem to be highly gifted in this regard, but that doesn't mean that they necessarily use it to build strong relationships. Heck, a few especially nasty people have great emotional intelligence, and use it to be especially hurtful. I suspect that in the end the desire to be nice making the effort to use what you have may end up mattering a lot. As much / more than / not as much as raw emotional intelligence? I don't know, and I suppose that depends somewhat on what you are looking for.
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Old 09-14-2009, 05:19 PM   #37
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Has anyone ever read the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman?


Oh and this is an interesting link in defining what exactly EI is...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:17 PM   #38
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Your best shot in finding a man with emotional intelligence is to look at younger men, as they do not have the same gender role hangups as older men. Men particularly the baby boomer generation believed that women would live out their emotional lives for them. To cope with one's emotions takes willingness and practice over time. Why should men be willing if they do not see a payoff for coping with their emotions. What is unfortunate about men is that they think that their feelings have nothing to do with their thoughts so at some level they are in conflict with themselves. Women have evolved from feminism and having more exposure in the world; therefore we are unwilling to be satisfied with the kind of man our mothers were satisfied with.
I think the issue is that men in our culture, regardless of age, are taught that they have to appear strong, confident and "macho" at all times. There are a lot of unbecoming words in our language reserved for men who do not epitomize the so-called "masculine ideal." I should know, I was called by most of them when I was a kid merely for the fact that I was overweight. While it is a great deal of honor for a woman to succeed in a traditionally masculine role, men still see "feminine" things like emotions as something weak. Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are, perhaps even more so because they put their whole masculine identities on the line every time they interact with the women in their lives.

Some men have the courage and wisdom to buck the stereotypes and realize that their feelings are neither masculine nor feminine, but part of the human experience that everyone shares. They are not afraid of their own emotions or those of the women in their life. They can comprehend other people's feelings because they admit and accept their own. This requires a great deal of internal honesty and introspection, which is not taught in our culture, especially in these days where it seems that only the brashest, boldest, and most obnoxious people get noticed. I think you are more likely to find this quality in older men who have had a lot of life experiences, a firm sense of self, and a lot less ego to bruise. Unfortunately, as another poster pointed out, a lot of those guys are already taken. There are a lot of younger guys too that have this in them, but from my own wrestlings with the darkness of my soul, I think it is a bit more rare to find a guy in his twenties and thirties who doesn't have his self-image and self-esteem wrapped up with how "masculine" he feels. If you are afraid that admitting your feelings or opening up to your partner will get you labeled a sissy or a queer or a fag, it puts a serious damper on your ability to empathize, let me tell you.
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Old 09-14-2009, 09:40 PM   #39
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Basically boys have it reinforced over and over again through life experiences to shun emotion-related things despite the fact that it's really really needed to do well in personal relationships when it matters most.

Thanks a lot, society.
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:19 PM   #40
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Be what you want to be in personal relationships. I know that I shut down more and more with men who are takers of emotional support...and rarely givers. I am not interested in being Earth Mommy. I want that shoulder.
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:21 AM   #41
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I believe that the experience of katherine22 is exactly as stated. I also believe that other women feel the same way. I think it is unfortunate that there are a lot of women that haven't met any/enough emotionally intelligent men to have such feelings and to make such statements.

I hear what you're saying, but these younger people are being taught or following the example of somebody/s. Where are these kids getting their instruction? Are they only learning from their single mothers? Are they learning to be men and how to relate to women in a responsible manner from sources other than their fathers or other males? Maybe there is a study on it.
I think I have met enough men to speculate that there are many emotionally intelligent males out there, but I don't think they are in the majority. I think I have met enough women to speculate that there are more emotionally intelligent women than there are men-but that doesn't put them in the majority either.
If you are only going to have NSA sex or one night stands, then what does it matter if anybody is emotionally intelligent? Do you get that deep with a one-off? Most would be hard pressed to remember the name of the ONS. I believe that making a relationship work is very difficult and a part of this difficulty is understanding that there can be several roads to the same destination, not just your road. To accept this knowledge without prejudice is even more difficult.
you forgot to add, and timing is everything!!
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:23 AM   #42
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Has anyone ever read the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman?


Oh and this is an interesting link in defining what exactly EI is...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence
i did and i bought it for several friends...there are a couple of books out there that sprouted off of it as well...
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:14 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by comaseason View Post

I've dated and had relationships with a lot of socially awkward types (read: geeks n' nerds) and most of the time, at least in my experience, they weren't really up on emotions and what motivates people and the like.

It's when there's a whole attitude of emotions being inconsequential or illogical that drives me batty and I've gotta get to the door.

OK, a have a feeling a lot of people will be pissed by what I'm about to say.

With a war going on and troops often coming home, consider this a....warning.... I guess. Emotional intelligence - very low, pretty much nonexistent. They have *major* issues trying to fit back into society. Our problems are trivial and unimportant to them after what they've seen. You cannot "teach" them. I know lol. I could write a book, but I won't.

IF you see a vet that you really like, only see him/her if they've *completed* PTSD classes. They will probably continue to need therapy. You really don't want to get into a relationship with a vet without that.....not only the emotional toll of them not being emotionally intelligent, but also seeing them suffer. Ohhhhh the suffering I've seen.... There is also the safety factor. You cannot fix them, they need professional help to regain some emotional intelligence (sadly, it will never all come back).

I talked to a psychotherapist friend that is a vet, he said what I'm describing is the norm for vets; he and pretty much every vet has/had some major issues that need to be addressed when they come home.

Every vet is different, and I'm NOT bashing them at all, but I thought I would put this out there. It is very sad what war does to a person, and very sad how it effects relationships. It is heart wrenching to actually see it, see that they're unwilling to get help, and see them pretty much self-destruct and do things to push everyone away.
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:30 AM   #44
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I've been following this thread with some interest. As someone diagnosed with borderline Asperger's Syndrome (basically high-functioning autism) in my mid 30's I can't help cringing a bit at the whole concept of "emotional intelligence". On a Stanford-Binet scale I'm wicked smart. I have excellent pattern recognition skills that I can use to emulate emotional intelligence in most relationships. I'm under no illusion this is the equivalent of genuine EI but, as the saying goes, 'every cripple finds his own way of walking'. I get by OK in all but intimate LTR's where ultimately things seem to go badly. Partners inevitably want me to be more "emotionally available" and I'm left feeling like a bastard 'cuz I'm already giving all I've got. The phrase 'way down deep I'm shallow' has always resonated for me.

I don't have the full 16 crayolas to color with emotionally that most guys, do let alone the minimum 64 pack most women have. While I don't pretend to be sensitive to them I've taught myself to read other peoples emotions as a coping strategy. I actually find the complexity of other people's emotions intriguing on an intellectual level and especially in contrast to my own relatively monochromatic temperament. As one ex once said to me "I wouldn't mind mashed potatoes every day if there was just some different gravy to you now and then."

I can be attentive, caring, supportive, even sincerely adoring but the passion women seem to want from me just isn't ever there. I've learned the hard way that faking it doesn't work. I've tried letting down the emo firewalls that seem to contain me and that was a disaster, too. I used to imagine that there was someone out there who could accept me just as I am but I've gotten too old and cynical to devote any more energy to that illusion. Entirely my call and I'm reconciled with it.

What I did want to suggest here is that there might be a deeper appreciation for emotional diversity that would afford better room for everyone to find a space, if not necessarily a mate, that makes them feel welcome and accepted for who they really are. If not, at least my sadness won't be particularly profound over the fact. Mixed blessings; gotta love 'em!

This is an excellent essay grounded in the Vulcan (yeah, I know) precept that beauty lies in infinite diversity in infinite combinations. I know I can't feel what most of you can but I can still hold that my perspective is as valid and valuable as anyone else's. Truly infinite diversity includes even assholes and the congenitally insensitive. JMO.

Honestly this is way better than anything I have to say on the subject. Please at least have a look: http://www.thinkingmeat.com/essays/idic.html
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:53 AM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ernest Nagel View Post
I've been following this thread with some interest. As someone diagnosed with borderline Asperger's Syndrome (basically high-functioning autism) in my mid 30's I can't help cringing a bit at the whole concept of "emotional intelligence". On a Stanford-Binet scale I'm wicked smart. I have excellent pattern recognition skills that I can use to emulate emotional intelligence in most relationships. I'm under no illusion this is the equivalent of genuine EI but, as the saying goes, 'every cripple finds his own way of walking'. I get by OK in all but intimate LTR's where ultimately things seem to go badly. Partners inevitably want me to be more "emotionally available" and I'm left feeling like a bastard 'cuz I'm already giving all I've got. The phrase 'way down deep I'm shallow' has always resonated for me.

I don't have the full 16 crayolas to color with emotionally that most guys, do let alone the minimum 64 pack most women have. While I don't pretend to be sensitive to them I've taught myself to read other peoples emotions as a coping strategy. I actually find the complexity of other people's emotions intriguing on an intellectual level and especially in contrast to my own relatively monochromatic temperament. As one ex once said to me "I wouldn't mind mashed potatoes every day if there was just some different gravy to you now and then."

I can be attentive, caring, supportive, even sincerely adoring but the passion women seem to want from me just isn't ever there. I've learned the hard way that faking it doesn't work. I've tried letting down the emo firewalls that seem to contain me and that was a disaster, too. I used to imagine that there was someone out there who could accept me just as I am but I've gotten too old and cynical to devote any more energy to that illusion. Entirely my call and I'm reconciled with it.

What I did want to suggest here is that there might be a deeper appreciation for emotional diversity that would afford better room for everyone to find a space, if not necessarily a mate, that makes them feel welcome and accepted for who they really are. If not, at least my sadness won't be particularly profound over the fact. Mixed blessings; gotta love 'em!

This is an excellent essay grounded in the Vulcan (yeah, I know) precept that beauty lies in infinite diversity in infinite combinations. I know I can't feel what most of you can but I can still hold that my perspective is as valid and valuable as anyone else's. Truly infinite diversity includes even assholes and the congenitally insensitive. JMO.

Honestly this is way better than anything I have to say on the subject. Please at least have a look: http://www.thinkingmeat.com/essays/idic.html

Ah, Asperger's Syndrome! I'm well aware of it . I was raised around various people with mental and physical "handicaps" (although I really don't consider Asperger's Syndrome a handicap). I have noticed that the higher functioning children with Asperger's can be quite affectionate.

I'm sorry to hear about all your relationship issues. I guess people that really don't know about it, see all sides of it, don't realize how hard it is to connect with another rather than being "in your brain" and thinking about various analytical stuff. People need to realize that people with Asperger's have created some of the most beautiful music, art, and then the intelligence level of some.......extremely high. If only we stopped pushing the "different" people out of society....
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:19 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post

I talked to a psychotherapist friend that is a vet, he said what I'm describing is the norm for vets; he and pretty much every vet has/had some major issues that need to be addressed when they come home.

Every vet is different, and I'm NOT bashing them at all, but I thought I would put this out there. It is very sad what war does to a person, and very sad how it effects relationships. It is heart wrenching to actually see it, see that they're unwilling to get help, and see them pretty much self-destruct and do things to push everyone away.
Given the lack of help available to vets after WW1 and WW2, these comments really make me wonder how much certain aspects of our culture were collective adaptations to dealing with all those damaged vets?
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:42 PM   #47
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I can't comment specifically on your statement about vets and an ability to sustain a romantic relationship.

I will say, though, that it saddens and frustrates me that in my career as a social worker, so ... so ... so many of my homeless, destitute, chemically addicted clients have been veterans. And they are incredibly difficult to stabilize & treat ... some have reached levels of despair that are seemingly untouchable. It angers me to no end when I think of how very few resources we have, how thin we are spread, and how many people do not get hooked up with the mental health & financial/supportive services that they need. I've assisted many vets with ongoing MI issues in an attempt to get the veteran's administration to grant them disability status (as a means of stabilizing them with some means of income). They are notoriously stingy about giving the benefits and will go to any length to "prove" that the MI issues either didn't stem from service-related trauma ... or that they are simply not "sufficient" enough to interfere with one's ability to perform activities of daily living. Uh ... hello. Resident of homeless shelter, unemployed, chemically addicted, typical arrest/conviction record with multiple (petty to misdemeanor 'loitering' or 'disturbing the peace' type) offenses ... documentation of major depression ... but yes, Veteran's Administration, YES! You're right! That soldier is good to go, and we'll get him another dead-end, low-paying, soul-sucking job at McDonalds ... and he'll be terminated within a week for not being able to pull it together long enough to stay for an entire shift. And the cycle continues. Soldier is lucky to get a few cheap generic meds thrown at him, maybe a psych appointment or two.

OK ... phew ... sorry, a passion of mine On topic ... I'm not sure that emotional intelligence can really be 'damaged' ... I think it's more of an innate ability for many, and a focused, learned effort for others (Ernest Nagel comes to mind).

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post
OK, a have a feeling a lot of people will be pissed by what I'm about to say.

With a war going on and troops often coming home, consider this a....warning.... I guess. Emotional intelligence - very low, pretty much nonexistent. They have *major* issues trying to fit back into society. Our problems are trivial and unimportant to them after what they've seen. You cannot "teach" them. I know lol. I could write a book, but I won't.

IF you see a vet that you really like, only see him/her if they've *completed* PTSD classes. They will probably continue to need therapy. You really don't want to get into a relationship with a vet without that.....not only the emotional toll of them not being emotionally intelligent, but also seeing them suffer. Ohhhhh the suffering I've seen.... There is also the safety factor. You cannot fix them, they need professional help to regain some emotional intelligence (sadly, it will never all come back).

I talked to a psychotherapist friend that is a vet, he said what I'm describing is the norm for vets; he and pretty much every vet has/had some major issues that need to be addressed when they come home.

Every vet is different, and I'm NOT bashing them at all, but I thought I would put this out there. It is very sad what war does to a person, and very sad how it effects relationships. It is heart wrenching to actually see it, see that they're unwilling to get help, and see them pretty much self-destruct and do things to push everyone away.
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:49 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
Given the lack of help available to vets after WW1 and WW2, these comments really make me wonder how much certain aspects of our culture were collective adaptations to dealing with all those damaged vets?
And there still is lack of help AND it is hard to find. In the Army, they're given their physical and are sent on their way.....even if they have no place to sleep.

The common response from friends, family, and the general public is that they're the same person when they come home. I think that was the case in WW1 and 2. Kind of a "my husband came home, lets go start a family and buy a house" mentality.

Often, they become shunned by their family and friends because their personalities and priorities changed. That happened to a guy I know. He thanked me for being the first and only one to accept him as who he is now. I think society doesn't want to see the ugly side of war.......I'm not talking about the ugly side where people are killed, but the ugly side of what war does to the human psyche.

I can easily see a problem coming for the future generations. With this war going on for so long, there will be LOTS of vets untreated. Families will be torn apart because of divorce, children won't understand why mom or dad is acting "weird," jumping out of bed screaming, why they're no longer affectionate towards them, on and on. Then they'll withdraw into themselves, and then the next generation comes to being......

And then there are the children where their parents never come back. Their EI will be stunted too. <sigh>
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:14 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TraciJo67 View Post
I can't comment specifically on your statement about vets and an ability to sustain a romantic relationship.

I will say, though, that it saddens and frustrates me that in my career as a social worker, so ... so ... so many of my homeless, destitute, chemically addicted clients have been veterans. And they are incredibly difficult to stabilize & treat ... some have reached levels of despair that are seemingly untouchable. It angers me to no end when I think of how very few resources we have, how thin we are spread, and how many people do not get hooked up with the mental health & financial/supportive services that they need. I've assisted many vets with ongoing MI issues in an attempt to get the veteran's administration to grant them disability status (as a means of stabilizing them with some means of income). They are notoriously stingy about giving the benefits and will go to any length to "prove" that the MI issues either didn't stem from service-related trauma ... or that they are simply not "sufficient" enough to interfere with one's ability to perform activities of daily living. Uh ... hello. Resident of homeless shelter, unemployed, chemically addicted, typical arrest/conviction record with multiple (petty to misdemeanor 'loitering' or 'disturbing the peace' type) offenses ... documentation of major depression ... but yes, Veteran's Administration, YES! You're right! That soldier is good to go, and we'll get him another dead-end, low-paying, soul-sucking job at McDonalds ... and he'll be terminated within a week for not being able to pull it together long enough to stay for an entire shift. And the cycle continues. Soldier is lucky to get a few cheap generic meds thrown at him, maybe a psych appointment or two.

OK ... phew ... sorry, a passion of mine On topic ... I'm not sure that emotional intelligence can really be 'damaged' ... I think it's more of an innate ability for many, and a focused, learned effort for others (Ernest Nagel comes to mind).
Oh, I'm talking about any relationship. His parents withdrew, friendships ended, and relationships with other family members either became strained or ended.

I hear ya about the VA! They make no sense almost all the time. The suicide and homeless rate is very high; often because of the VA. Out of the guy's fire-squad, he was the only one alive and not homeless. There was only one other that wasn't dead, and he was on the streets. I think they purposefully make finding assistance difficult.

As for EI being damaged....well, from my talks with the guy and the psychotherapist friend, even with help, we're (non-military) not on their level of seeing how the world really works; what is important. They become frustrated with us because we complain about trivial issues (to them) when they've seen a child being blown apart. The psychotherapist said those feelings never completely go away.

Another interesting thing is that a lot of vets don't have photos displayed, or even look at them. They have two things on their mind, the present (It's like the past and future never exist.) and death. That's life. I wonder what that does to the EI of their children.
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Old 09-16-2009, 07:52 AM   #50
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Reading some of these posts, I'm reminded of the interesting dynamic I see (or hear about) that some heterosexual women talk about, which is that they need a boyfriend and a female best friend to have all their needs met, but that in a perfect world they want their man to fill all their needs.

Am I reading this scenario right? Does it exist, how do you experience it or interpret it, and is this split only about the varying degrees of emotional intelligence between men and women (I realize I am generalizing here, and please dispute that generalization if you think it is erroneous)? Also, do you think it is preferable to have this split, the man for some needs, the women for others, and why does this seem the best scenario to you?

Makes me wonder if my bisexuality is a result of my absolute need to have only one person fill all my needs, external and internal, and the realization that this happens more readily for me with other women.
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