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Old 09-15-2009, 03:16 PM   #1
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Default Good Love Life = Happiness

I have a picture of me and Mike that I love. I love it because I have never been happier. I wanted to post it in the best thread ever (rainy's) because I feel it's really my best picture...but I didn't because it feels like that's not the right venue since he is in the picture.

So I've been thinking very hard about something for a few days now...it's occurred to me that my genuine happiness is very really linked to my relationship / love life.

I feel like I shouldn't do that...almost like I'm weak for feeling this way. It seems like I'm relying on someone else for my happiness. That being said I've read several articles online about how people who are married and have kids live longer lives so you'd think I'd fall back on that. Nevertheless I cannot shake the feeling that I'm leaning too hard for my own good.

I guess what I'm getting at is what do you ladies think about essentially relying on SO's for happiness? Have my years of being in the BBW bubble of love yourself and be strong with or without him at the size of your choice colored my view on this?
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Old 09-16-2009, 07:32 AM   #2
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Well girl I learned over the years that its not a good idea. My husband and I have been through a lot of stuff in our lives where in dealing with those things we were unable to fully give to each other. I learned through that experience to have my own life and follow my own bliss. For example I used to sit at home with the hubby because he is not a social person and I am very social. Over the years I began to resent never going out and started to go out with friends. I went back to school to try and get a better job as I as stuck in a job with a boss that harassed me even though it meant we had to struggle even more financially. I followed my bliss with my spirituality even though initially hubby didn't understand or like it and so on. Of course the reverse is true also with things he is passionate about but I have no interest in and choices he has made in his life.

I think there is a real danger in tying your full happiness to another person because you have no guarantee that person will always be there for you. By building on the elements to your own life that make you happy, you have more to give to your relationship. This might just be the blossom of a new love that you are feeling right now. We all feel this way when things are fresh and new. Want to be with him all the time, heart skips a beat when you see him, you reveal in every conversation you have and so on. I think its normal. However remember that you had our life before he came along and those elements of what made you happy are still there. If you maintain those things/ people and philosophies while in the new bloom of love you will be just fine!
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Old 09-16-2009, 07:39 AM   #3
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You are responsible for your happiness. To make a man responsible is to put a lot of pressure on the man. I would never trust a man with my emotional life.
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Old 09-16-2009, 11:38 AM   #4
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If you're not allowed to be happy when you're with people you love, when are you allowed to be happy? I'd say there should be more people in your life that you can be happy with than one, because if you lose that person, you're going to be in trouble--but just because it shouldn't be soley reliant on that one single person that you're Officially With doesn't mean you can't be happy to be with them. Or happy because you're with them.

Maslowe's hierarchy suggests that to reach self-fulfillment, we need certain things. For example, if you're starving (literally) or exposed in the middle of the desert with no shelter and no water, you don't really care whether Sally down the street approves of your new hat. Likewise, it's harder to be really happy when you don't have security, affection, and social acceptance down. A good partner helps to fill those needs (may not fill all of them, but does help); I suspect that's why married people, who do have a certain amount of security in one another based on their vows, who do have a source of affection and acceptance built into their family lives, live healthier and happier lives.

One person can't fill all your needs, but that doesn't mean they can't help, nor that you shouldn't be happy for finding someone you genuinely enjoy being with and share mutal love with. That's pretty special and worth celebrating. Don't give up your other friends or turn your back on family that you've always trusted because you've found The One...but don't be so suspicious of happiness that you can't revel in it when it comes along. Happiness is good--and love is good, too.
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Old 09-16-2009, 03:27 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keb View Post
If you're not allowed to be happy when you're with people you love, when are you allowed to be happy? I'd say there should be more people in your life that you can be happy with than one, because if you lose that person, you're going to be in trouble--but just because it shouldn't be soley reliant on that one single person that you're Officially With doesn't mean you can't be happy to be with them. Or happy because you're with them.

Maslowe's hierarchy suggests that to reach self-fulfillment, we need certain things. For example, if you're starving (literally) or exposed in the middle of the desert with no shelter and no water, you don't really care whether Sally down the street approves of your new hat. Likewise, it's harder to be really happy when you don't have security, affection, and social acceptance down. A good partner helps to fill those needs (may not fill all of them, but does help); I suspect that's why married people, who do have a certain amount of security in one another based on their vows, who do have a source of affection and acceptance built into their family lives, live healthier and happier lives.

One person can't fill all your needs, but that doesn't mean they can't help, nor that you shouldn't be happy for finding someone you genuinely enjoy being with and share mutal love with. That's pretty special and worth celebrating. Don't give up your other friends or turn your back on family that you've always trusted because you've found The One...but don't be so suspicious of happiness that you can't revel in it when it comes along. Happiness is good--and love is good, too.
What she said.

Never rely on someone else to make you happy, but if you have a positive relationship, enjoy it, and revel in it.
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Old 09-16-2009, 06:18 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keb View Post
If you're not allowed to be happy when you're with people you love, when are you allowed to be happy? I'd say there should be more people in your life that you can be happy with than one, because if you lose that person, you're going to be in trouble--but just because it shouldn't be soley reliant on that one single person that you're Officially With doesn't mean you can't be happy to be with them. Or happy because you're with them.

Maslowe's hierarchy suggests that to reach self-fulfillment, we need certain things. For example, if you're starving (literally) or exposed in the middle of the desert with no shelter and no water, you don't really care whether Sally down the street approves of your new hat. Likewise, it's harder to be really happy when you don't have security, affection, and social acceptance down. A good partner helps to fill those needs (may not fill all of them, but does help); I suspect that's why married people, who do have a certain amount of security in one another based on their vows, who do have a source of affection and acceptance built into their family lives, live healthier and happier lives.

One person can't fill all your needs, but that doesn't mean they can't help, nor that you shouldn't be happy for finding someone you genuinely enjoy being with and share mutal love with. That's pretty special and worth celebrating. Don't give up your other friends or turn your back on family that you've always trusted because you've found The One...but don't be so suspicious of happiness that you can't revel in it when it comes along. Happiness is good--and love is good, too.
That''s why half of me says...the other half says don't be so weak.

I am lucky that my bf is all about family so even when he's here we make time to see my small family.

I just wonder if we aren't too hard on ourselves when it comes to how we achieve happiness and self esteem. Like some ways are more valid than others.
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Old 09-17-2009, 03:24 AM   #7
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I say revel in it and enjoy the happiness that only feeling connected to other human beings offers.

Don't neglect yourself, by any means. Enjoying your happiness doesn't have to mean putting your own well-being last. It's about finding a balance, isn't it? And there are no guarantees that everything will be roses and unicorns--but you know that. Life is full of suffering. And only compassion for self and others eases that. So it seems to me that relationships are one of the keys to "happiness," whatever that may be.
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:51 AM   #8
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I think you should celebrate happiness and loving relationships as well. But, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I think true joy and happiness come from within; pleasure, however is something derived from outside of yourself and I think it's an important distinction to make.

I like having my own seperate life outside of the one I share with my partner. She isn't the sole reason for my happiness; it's a combination of that, doing well at work, being financially stable, having other healthy relationships with others, and even being able to have my own thing going on are why I am happy. I am able to give more of myself because I don't feel like I'm losing myself in her. I think alot of women sort of put off "living" until they begin dating or have a relationship and that's dangerous. Nothing is promised; so what happens if the relationship ends? Then what are you left with?

Maybe that's why I don't understand why some people look outside of themselves for wholeness/being completed. That's something that has to come from you (general you) and solely you; because inherently I think we all are whole.

ugh...and now I'm rambling. I need some lunch.
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Old 09-17-2009, 03:57 PM   #9
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I would not say that being happy when one is involved in a loving relationship means one is dependent on that partner for one's happiness. You still derive your overall life satisfaction from within...the relationship just adds to it. Yes, being in love does contribute to our overall happiness. Nevertheless, it is just one of a myriad of things that influence us and our happiness (or lack thereof.) To me, it's like a sugar cookie with sprinkles. My life's general happiness is the cookie while the joy and happiness I draw from my marriage are the sprinkles. I can enjoy the sugar cookie without the sprinkles...it just tastes a little bit better with the sprinkles.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:37 PM   #10
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Everyone's personalities are "hard-wired" to have certain, predisposed emotional cravings (extroversion, introversion, fetishism, whatever - these and more all figure into it). That fact plus the (post)modern value placed on defining one's own happiness indicates that it's nobody's damn business what your primary joys and goals in life may be.

I am absolutely one of those people who requires a fulfilling love relationship to be truly happy. Sure, I can function without one. I can achieve without one. I can find a modicum of joy in other kinds of relationships and in other pursuits. But am I optimally joyful without one? Nope. And I probably never will be. Telling me I need to force myself to feel otherwise is like telling me I need to stop being a submissive person, or a Democrat, or an extrovert, or a female, or a human being. It's part of who I am right now and I'm not going change it in order to suit someone else's view of what is "healthy" or "appropriate."
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:46 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Donna View Post
I would not say that being happy when one is involved in a loving relationship means one is dependent on that partner for one's happiness. You still derive your overall life satisfaction from within...the relationship just adds to it. Yes, being in love does contribute to our overall happiness. Nevertheless, it is just one of a myriad of things that influence us and our happiness (or lack thereof.) To me, it's like a sugar cookie with sprinkles. My life's general happiness is the cookie while the joy and happiness I draw from my marriage are the sprinkles. I can enjoy the sugar cookie without the sprinkles...it just tastes a little bit better with the sprinkles.
What a wonderful way to put it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tania View Post
Everyone's personalities are "hard-wired" to have certain, predisposed emotional cravings (extroversion, introversion, fetishism, whatever - these and more all figure into it). That fact plus the (post)modern value placed on defining one's own happiness indicates that it's nobody's damn business what your primary joys and goals in life may be.

I am absolutely one of those people who requires a fulfilling love relationship to be truly happy. Sure, I can function without one. I can achieve without one. I can find a modicum of joy in other kinds of relationships and in other pursuits. But am I optimally joyful without one? Nope. And I probably never will be. Telling me I need to force myself to feel otherwise is like telling me I need to stop being a submissive person, or a Democrat, or an extrovert, or a female, or a human being. It's part of who I am right now and I'm not going change it in order to suit someone else's view of what is "healthy" or "appropriate."
Thank you.

I was feeling like I was being hard on myself but I am known for being far too easy on myself lol. All of this makes sense to me and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone...just inarticulate.
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