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Old 09-20-2009, 11:07 AM   #26
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I feel the need to preface what I am going to say since my writing style can seem blunt and insensitive and that is not my intention particularly in this thread.

Without going into details, I was abandoned by my family. Anger was at the core of my personality. Sometimes that anger was very motivating, as one of the ways I filled the emptiness was to read constantly and later to do art. Coping with abandonment was a process of many years of anger and finally to a place of acceptance, acceptance that it happened not that I liked it. I am at the place where I can take a risk, as it is more important to take a risk with another person than to live by the old script of the abandoned person. At peril of over simplification, I refuse to allow the fact that I was abandoned to interfere with connection and joy with other people. I had to get to the place that I knew that I was strong enough to handle other people's reactions and not internalize those reactions as proof of my defectiveness. We are always figuring out that just because a person asserts something, we do not have to own it. I learned through reading and therapy that life is a risk, and I can handle the consequences. I am grateful for this forum. The BBW forum has made Dimensions a better place.
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Old 09-20-2009, 11:35 AM   #27
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Wow, I should so not have read this thread at work... I'm almost crying just skimming it, because so much is painfully familiar. You ladies are amazing, and I'm going to read through the articles and stories more in-depth at a time when I don't need to be doing things. *so many hugs*
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Old 09-20-2009, 07:19 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post

Without going into details, I was abandoned by my family. Anger was at the core of my personality. Sometimes that anger was very motivating, as one of the ways I filled the emptiness was to read constantly and later to do art. Coping with abandonment was a process of many years of anger and finally to a place of acceptance, acceptance that it happened not that I liked it.

I am at the place where I can take a risk, as it is more important to take a risk with another person than to live by the old script of the abandoned person. At peril of over simplification, I refuse to allow the fact that I was abandoned to interfere with connection and joy with other people.
I totally agree. Someone hurt you....don't let them continue to hurt you. That's where the forgiveness and moving on parts come from....it means letting go and stepping forward. Every ending is a new beginning.

Sometimes....it's hard to see a future though. Hence, why I'm so guilty of letting myself be drawn back into things of my past. I know that tomorrow will be better....and that's where I need to keep walking to....




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I had to get to the place that I knew that I was strong enough to handle other people's reactions and not internalize those reactions as proof of my defectiveness. We are always figuring out that just because a person asserts something, we do not have to own it. I learned through reading and therapy that life is a risk, and I can handle the consequences.
Yes....that's something I do a lot.....and it's wrong. I shouldn't take things that happen into myself. I spent a good part of my life feeling like I had a mark on my forehead or something....like the scarlet letter?...that certain people could see and knew immediately that they could hurt and use me.
I know better now....there is no mark. The problem was the dance I knew and always want to do.
Dysfunction is a dance....and as one of those articles I linked to stated, you need to find a dance partner that knows the steps.
*I* wasn't marked.....I was searching for the things I have always known and have done.
It's hard to break those old habits.....but you have no hope of doing it until you realize what it is you're even doing to yourself. Glad to have reached such a spot now....


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I am grateful for this forum. The BBW forum has made Dimensions a better place.
I wholeheartedly agree. I like this board with the other ladies


P.S. I really love your new avatar Katherine- what a terrific smile you have
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Old 09-20-2009, 10:03 PM   #29
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I totally agree. Someone hurt you....don't let them continue to hurt you. That's where the forgiveness and moving on parts come from....it means letting go and stepping forward. Every ending is a new beginning.

Sometimes....it's hard to see a future though. Hence, why I'm so guilty of letting myself be drawn back into things of my past. I know that tomorrow will be better....and that's where I need to keep walking to....







Yes....that's something I do a lot.....and it's wrong. I shouldn't take things that happen into myself. I spent a good part of my life feeling like I had a mark on my forehead or something....like the scarlet letter?...that certain people could see and knew immediately that they could hurt and use me.
I know better now....there is no mark. The problem was the dance I knew and always want to do.
Dysfunction is a dance....and as one of those articles I linked to stated, you need to find a dance partner that knows the steps.
*I* wasn't marked.....I was searching for the things I have always known and have done.
It's hard to break those old habits.....but you have no hope of doing it until you realize what it is you're even doing to yourself. Glad to have reached such a spot now....




I wholeheartedly agree. I like this board with the other ladies


P.S. I really love your new avatar Katherine- what a terrific smile you have

Thanks for the compliment and stay well, GEF
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Old 09-20-2009, 11:54 PM   #30
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Default Oh boy.

I'm super glad I went through this thread; I'm terrible about actually looking at myself and my own problems. If I can hold the mirror for someone else, I'm pleased as a peach. Now, if I have to look in it myself...it's not good.

My dad was a drug addict for a long time. He'd been drinking for a long time before that, but after his back surgery the pain pills became the addiction of choice. I believe I was around 10 when things were their worst. I remember quite clearly sitting at the top of the stairs listening to the threats of divorce and so on. My mom and I would leave for a few days, and when we came back, things would be right as rain. Everyone was walking on eggshells to make it like that, of course, but it still was. I was terrified that my dad would leave. Or that we would leave him.
My little brother and sister, who are seven years younger than me (twins, yay!), were born towards the tail end of things, so they don't remember much. I was the oldest: the responsible smart one who did it all. I, of course, thought that I pretty much sucked, but that's besides the point, I guess. I lived in constant fear of losing everyone.
So...now I realize that I take a bajilliondy and a half years to trust someone, I get attached to fast to people/things I can't have or that will hurt me, and, even though I want to find that special someone, I'm terrified because part of me is sure that they'll wake up one morning and say: "You suck and you don't deserve me" and leave. Part of me is also convinced that it might be easier to be an old cat lady.
At least we can work on it together, ladies.

Also: Thanks to GEF for starting this thread. Good lady.
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Old 09-21-2009, 05:51 AM   #31
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This is an intense, but illuminating, thread-thanks for starting it, GEF.

There was one line that resonated with me at this point in my life, it was the one about equating insecurity and love. That was a light bulb moment for me, and speaks to something I've been struggling with lately.

I'm starting a new relationship, and I'm wondering why I fell so different this time, as compared to other times when I've been involved with someone I really like. This different feeling has really messed with my head, and made me feel guilty and unsure and anxious in dealing with my partner.

I realised that it was related to the fact that this relationship is so different from my other relationships that it might as well be night and day. I was able to recognize the patterns from my past that I had sought out, to my detriment, because I was playing out old childhood dynamics that can never ever be resolved. I guess they're my own version of abandonment issues from my parents.

However, I never could see why there was a certain feeling missing, an indescribable feeling, that I always thought meant I was 'in love.' Now I know what that feeling was-it was insecurity, because I was wrapped up in the 'they don't like me enough, and I need to do everything I can to get them to love me.' To me, this pattern WAS love, not a desperate action to attain love. I see now that it was just insecurity, that this feeling is the only one I knew of that seemed to be the feeling of love, and I am so glad today not to have that feeling.

I'm learning now how to love and be loved without feeling insecure, without constantly doubting that the other person cares about me, and actually knowing for maybe the first time in my life what it is like to be loved and accepted just as I am. It is an amazing feeling, I'm so blessed to get to experience it, but I have to re-learn how to be a loving person in a loving relationship, and I have to be sure that I always reciprocate in kind to my partner that they are loved and accepted and cherished for who they are, with no reservations.

Thanks again, everyone, for your posts and contributions to this thread, it is a help to me and many others.
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Old 09-22-2009, 08:08 PM   #32
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So...now I realize that I take a bajilliondy and a half years to trust someone, I get attached to fast to people/things I can't have or that will hurt me, and, even though I want to find that special someone, I'm terrified because part of me is sure that they'll wake up one morning and say: "You suck and you don't deserve me" and leave. Part of me is also convinced that it might be easier to be an old cat lady. .
archivaltype,
It's pretty much exactly the same way with me.

But for me, I'd be the crazy, old parrot lady
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Old 09-22-2009, 08:17 PM   #33
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because I was wrapped up in the 'they don't like me enough, and I need to do everything I can to get them to love me.'

I'm trying to break that cycle of "paying" the person to love me. If I say yes to them all the time, give them whatever, etc then they'll love me and stay. It's a hard pattern to break, but I'm catching myself and telling myself "no." And then the terror I feel when I do that , but I know it will get better in time.

I'm so happy for you for finding love and breaking out of all of this crap . Much luck on your new relationship
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Old 09-22-2009, 08:35 PM   #34
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GEF this is an interesting and informative thread. I think tho there is a parallel for all fat people. I know I've felt abandoned by the world at times, tho I'd say I often feel invisible since the world just isn't made for fat folks and nothing ever fits right. I've never thought of that feeling in terms of abandonment, but I believe it is apt. Much food for thought here.
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:17 AM   #35
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Sometimes we try so hard to be strong that we don't want to admit that the things that happened to us, made us feel weak, really hurt--- at least i know thats how i am---

i actually made a youtube channel about a year ago so that i could speak out about the sexual abuse i experienced as a child--- its amazing how much voicing these pains and clean ya out
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:19 AM   #36
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and you are making the right choice, hun--- because giving in all the time actually drives someone away after a while--- and you deserve to be standing ON the rug not swept under it! good for you!


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I'm trying to break that cycle of "paying" the person to love me. If I say yes to them all the time, give them whatever, etc then they'll love me and stay. It's a hard pattern to break, but I'm catching myself and telling myself "no." And then the terror I feel when I do that , but I know it will get better in time.

I'm so happy for you for finding love and breaking out of all of this crap . Much luck on your new relationship
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:15 PM   #37
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Sometimes we try so hard to be strong that we don't want to admit that the things that happened to us, made us feel weak, really hurt--- at least i know thats how i am---

i actually made a youtube channel about a year ago so that i could speak out about the sexual abuse i experienced as a child--- its amazing how much voicing these pains and clean ya out
I'm that way, too. Spent many years of my life pretending...to myself mostly...that things didn't/can't/won't hurt me. Part of my recovery has been seeing and admitting that....I'm not so tough. That I am no stronger than anyone else.....it's amazing how hard that part was for me.
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Old 09-24-2009, 06:12 AM   #38
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I'm that way, too. Spent many years of my life pretending...to myself mostly...that things didn't/can't/won't hurt me. Part of my recovery has been seeing and admitting that....I'm not so tough. That I am no stronger than anyone else.....it's amazing how hard that part was for me.
So true. And I think the strongest people are the ones who admit their vulnerability and yet are able to both be open to people and experiences while setting boundaries (I'm still working on that last part). It's easy to play the tough guy, saying "that won't affect me" or "I've moved on" but I think we still carry that hurt child or adult within us. Know what I mean?
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Old 09-24-2009, 09:39 AM   #39
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So true. And I think the strongest people are the ones who admit their vulnerability and yet are able to both be open to people and experiences while setting boundaries (I'm still working on that last part). It's easy to play the tough guy, saying "that won't affect me" or "I've moved on" but I think we still carry that hurt child or adult within us. Know what I mean?

Yes I do. Moving on doesn't seem to mean "forgetting" as if things never happened. It seems to be more about finding a place....or a new outlook...in which to view it all, enabling you to free yourself from some of the pain.
That setting boundaries part.....that's became very important to me lately, as well. Funny how I didn't seem to just know that before.....it is like suddenly "growing up" and wanting the things the other adults want. Or that has been my own experience anyway
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:03 AM   #40
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I've been avoiding this thread with the excuse that I haven't had time to give it the attention it deserves, but mostly it's because it's not an issue I like to face. Abandonment issues have played a huge role in my life and I've only come to terms with them over the past year or so.

Thank you for starting this, GEF. More to come from me.
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:10 AM   #41
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Is it strange that these traits describe absolutely everybody I know, including me? I was nearly smothered to death as a kid though, I couldn't crap without somebody lifting the lid to see what's in there. Most of my stunts were an attempt to break free from the collective pack mentality that was strong in my immediate family. The hunger to be an independent individual who can think and speak for herself was strong, hence I was a bit overachieving and still tend to be. Just adding my 2 cents in favor of the understanding that these traits "can" be signs of other forms of fucked-upedness and not just abandonment.
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Old 09-24-2009, 03:39 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
Is it strange that these traits describe absolutely everybody I know, including me? I was nearly smothered to death as a kid though, I couldn't crap without somebody lifting the lid to see what's in there. Most of my stunts were an attempt to break free from the collective pack mentality that was strong in my immediate family. The hunger to be an independent individual who can think and speak for herself was strong, hence I was a bit overachieving and still tend to be. Just adding my 2 cents in favor of the understanding that these traits "can" be signs of other forms of fucked-upedness and not just abandonment.
Oh yes, I can agree with that. We all have our "stuff" to contend with...for whatever reasons and no matter how they got started.
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Old 09-24-2009, 06:59 PM   #43
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I've been lucky enough to still have an amazing group of friends and family by my side. Some of these stories are so sad, but I hope everyone is pushing forward!

I did have one friend... we were insanely close for all of middle school and most of high school. We were like sisters... only not the kind that argued a lot We were together most of the time and had a number of great adventures together.

Until one day in high school when she decided she didnt want to be around me anymore. She gave me no reason at all, just started ignoring me. I did feel abandoned for a good year or so and the fact that I had no idea what went wrong only made it worse. Luckily, I had other friends that came to my rescue and helped make the rest of my high school life as fun as possible.

We used to work together, so all of my co-workers now what happened and they are constantly saying how sad it is that we're not close anymore. Sometimes I get the feeling that they know WAY more than I do, but no one will say anything. Its all very shady.

But I do know that she has some issues with drugs, and unfortunately those issues have caught up with her and she's in some serious trouble... like facing jail time. I don't mean to sound cruel, but I hope she gets some jail time, if it means her getting a chance to see what she's doing wrong and getting some help. From what I've been hearing through the grapevine, nothing has sunk in yet, and she's definitely not off the drugs.

It's very sad, and I wish her all the best.
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Old 09-26-2009, 07:52 PM   #44
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Default Hoping this might add something...

It was recommended by an online friend that works for a NPR talk show that centers around holistic type healing.

Feeding Your Demons
Quote:
Demons are ultimately generated by the mind and, as such, have no independent existence. Nonetheless, we engage with them as though they were real, and we believe in their existence—ask anyone who has fought an addiction or anxiety attacks. Demons show up in our lives whether we provoke them or not, whether we want them or not. Even common parlance refers to demons, such as a veteran who is home “battling his demons” of post-traumatic stress from the war in Iraq. I recently heard a woman say she was fighting her “jealousy demon.” Unfortunately, the habit of fighting our demons only gives them strength. By feeding, not fighting, our demons, we are integrating these energies, rather than rejecting them and attempting to distance ourselves from disowned parts of ourselves, or projecting them onto others.
http://www.tricycle.com/-practice/fe...ons?page=0%2C0
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It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 09-27-2009, 03:33 AM   #45
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My birth mother had my two older siblings at 18 and 20, then me when she was 22. She kept them, but gave me up for adoption, and apparently had another son a couple years after me that she kept. So of all her kids, I was the one she gave up. And none of us have the same dad, and even though I have hand-made gifts from my paternal grandmother, I've never met anyone. And I know I'm better off, but I can't help wondering why I wasn't good enough.

A couple of times my adopted dad has gotten angry and said things he now denies saying. I'll never forget the time he said "I wish you weren't my daughter" when I was in 5th grade. He did give me a card and rose as an apology, but...I keep thinking about it. Everytime I screw up, I wonder if he still wants me.

I've never been the friend people turn to, either. Chances are, the only reason someone will contact me, is if they're bored out of their mind, and/or have tried all their other options. My group of friends in high school would plan movie nights and sleepovers together right in front of me and even when I asked what they were talking about, they wouldn't include me. When I went home for the summer this year after going across the country for college, I didn't see a single one of them until I was the one who called and made plans. I never understood my mom saying "Well, why don't you call ----?" If we were friends, shouldn't that person have to make a little bit of an effort?

I've never had a boyfriend, either, or been asked out on a date. I've gotten close a couple of times, but both said "I don't want a girlfriend right now, I'm too busy/happy being single" and within 3 weeks...they had long-term girlfriends. And I still talk to them, which some people say is weird, but if I didn't talk to every guy I liked who only saw me as a friend, I'd have no guy friends.

I want people to be close to me, but at the same time I push people away as hard as possible so they can't hurt me. I tell all the negative things about me, because if they can't accept those off the bat, I know they'll leave me eventually.

I don't think I've ever had a positive, major impact on someone, so no one will be majorly affected if I wasn't born. I don't feel wanted, attractive. I'm the Lost Child, reading and making up stories in which a character always finds love despite her flaws. I had imaginary boyfriends in middle school. My greatest fear is that I'll die alone in a house full of cats/dogs (either/or) and no one will notice or miss me until the smell bothers the neighbours.

I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't think anyone deserves to settle for me, either. And the chronic depression sucks, too.

Sorry for the tl;dr, I didn't mean to rant.

Last edited by NemoVolo; 09-27-2009 at 03:37 AM.
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Old 09-27-2009, 09:57 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by NemoVolo View Post

I want people to be close to me, but at the same time I push people away as hard as possible so they can't hurt me. I tell all the negative things about me, because if they can't accept those off the bat, I know they'll leave me eventually.

I don't think I've ever had a positive, major impact on someone, so no one will be majorly affected if I wasn't born. I don't feel wanted, attractive. I'm the Lost Child, reading and making up stories in which a character always finds love despite her flaws. I had imaginary boyfriends in middle school. My greatest fear is that I'll die alone in a house full of cats/dogs (either/or) and no one will notice or miss me until the smell bothers the neighbours.

I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't think anyone deserves to settle for me, either. And the chronic depression sucks, too.

Sorry for the tl;dr, I didn't mean to rant.





Depression is a double edged sword in that it is intertwined with feeling and behavior. According to the psychologist, Stephen Hayes, one can spend all day managing one's emotions or living one's values. Depression is a messenger revealing the idea that something in one's life requires attention. There are many opportunities to have contact with others as posting in this forum is one example.
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:06 PM   #47
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[/COLOR]


Depression is a double edged sword in that it is intertwined with feeling and behavior. According to the psychologist, Stephen Hayes, one can spend all day managing one's emotions or living one's values. Depression is a messenger revealing the idea that something in one's life requires attention. There are many opportunities to have contact with others as posting in this forum is one example.
I'm pretty sure mine's a chemical imbalance. Nothing traumatic happened to me in 7th grade to cause it (which is when it started) and I've gone through ever-increasing dosages of anti-depressants.
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:37 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by NemoVolo View Post
My birth mother had my two older siblings at 18 and 20, then me when she was 22. She kept them, but gave me up for adoption, and apparently had another son a couple years after me that she kept. So of all her kids, I was the one she gave up. And none of us have the same dad, and even though I have hand-made gifts from my paternal grandmother, I've never met anyone. And I know I'm better off, but I can't help wondering why I wasn't good enough.

A couple of times my adopted dad has gotten angry and said things he now denies saying. I'll never forget the time he said "I wish you weren't my daughter" when I was in 5th grade. He did give me a card and rose as an apology, but...I keep thinking about it. Everytime I screw up, I wonder if he still wants me.

I've never been the friend people turn to, either. Chances are, the only reason someone will contact me, is if they're bored out of their mind, and/or have tried all their other options. My group of friends in high school would plan movie nights and sleepovers together right in front of me and even when I asked what they were talking about, they wouldn't include me. When I went home for the summer this year after going across the country for college, I didn't see a single one of them until I was the one who called and made plans. I never understood my mom saying "Well, why don't you call ----?" If we were friends, shouldn't that person have to make a little bit of an effort?

I've never had a boyfriend, either, or been asked out on a date. I've gotten close a couple of times, but both said "I don't want a girlfriend right now, I'm too busy/happy being single" and within 3 weeks...they had long-term girlfriends. And I still talk to them, which some people say is weird, but if I didn't talk to every guy I liked who only saw me as a friend, I'd have no guy friends.

I want people to be close to me, but at the same time I push people away as hard as possible so they can't hurt me. I tell all the negative things about me, because if they can't accept those off the bat, I know they'll leave me eventually.

I don't think I've ever had a positive, major impact on someone, so no one will be majorly affected if I wasn't born. I don't feel wanted, attractive. I'm the Lost Child, reading and making up stories in which a character always finds love despite her flaws. I had imaginary boyfriends in middle school. My greatest fear is that I'll die alone in a house full of cats/dogs (either/or) and no one will notice or miss me until the smell bothers the neighbours.

I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't think anyone deserves to settle for me, either. And the chronic depression sucks, too.

Sorry for the tl;dr, I didn't mean to rant.
Please share, and don't worry about length, tone, and so on. What you siad needed to be said, and needed to be heard by those of us who understand, and want to offer support and care. I don't know if I have anything to say that won't sound like a platitude, but I heard so much of myself in what you wrote, and know that things can improve. If I'm reading you correctly, you're in your early 20's? It took me until my late 30's (which is like, yesterday ) to get to a place where I no longer feel the tentacles of depression and all that goes with that deep inside my skin. I don't know how I got here, exactly, except for hope and work and learning to pay attention and to find the lesson in every damn thing that happens to me.

I also learned to open up, to get hurt, and to lean on people, and to admit I don't know it all. I'm sure there are other things that happened, including the kindness and generosity of too too many people, that I can't even recognize. I also live with the awareness that this state isn't permanent, either, so I hope I will pick up the tools to sustain it to the best of my ability, and that even in the low points (and there will always be low points), they eventually aren't so low anymore.

I don't know if I sound like a helpful person, or a self-centered one here, and if anything I said doesn't offer you anything of use as you deal with your feelings, please excuse me. I'd like for all of us to feel better about ourselves, and our value in the world. Hugs to you, and please feel free to share here whenever you want.
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:14 PM   #49
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My mother left my Dad & me and my sisters when I was about 14. I totally have these issues (I call them rejection issues as well). I feel that even now at 33, I have the emotional state of a 15 year old sometimes. I am independant and live on my own, but feel very needy and helpless at times. When stupid things happen, say like my car breaking down, I stress and freak out! Although my Dad was there physically and financially etc, he was not a mother and he was healing his own heart. I feel I basically raised myself the rest of the way. So a 15 year old raising a 15-18 year old... not good
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Old 10-08-2009, 03:16 PM   #50
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My mother left my Dad & me and my sisters when I was about 14. I totally have these issues (I call them rejection issues as well). I feel that even now at 33, I have the emotional state of a 15 year old sometimes. I am independant and live on my own, but feel very needy and helpless at times. When stupid things happen, say like my car breaking down, I stress and freak out! Although my Dad was there physically and financially etc, he was not a mother and he was healing his own heart. I feel I basically raised myself the rest of the way. So a 15 year old raising a 15-18 year old... not good
I have noticed that "split" in my own life often times. I carry a lot of responsibility...and always have in one form or another, but wind up feeling/acting like an overgrown child, at times. It seems like an overcompensation for too much too soon.....and then I notice people around me that go out of their way to shirk responsibilities at every opportunity and call themselves adults.
What defines an adult? Sometimes, it's okay to be a "kid at heart" and have fun, joke around.....but things along the lines of temper tantrums, whining or self-pity are not acceptable to myself.

Setting boundaries....and being willing to do whatever it takes to hold them in place, is something new for me lately. It feels like I have "grown up" in that aspect....as in I can better take care of myself and my emotional needs....going beyond paying the bills and taking care of everyone else around me.
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It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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