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Old 11-09-2009, 05:20 PM   #76
Fat.n.sassy
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<When I asked him why he was leaving my sister and I, he said that he had a new family now with new children that came first. He left without looking back. I am 41 now and that still has the ability to make me cry buckets if I let myself feel it.>

I hope you will forgive me, because I know down deep you still love your dad, but WHAT an ASS your dad was!! Unfortunately I sort of know how this feels. My adult self cries for your little girl inside self.

(((Hugs))) Viv
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:02 PM   #77
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My issues are a little on teh reverse. I don't let anyone get close. My father was there all my life. But he spent it on the couch. He never participated in my life unless it was insult or hit me. There were many times he would tell me i was no good. that i wasn't worth it and i was mistake. In fact, before my mother finally divorced him when I was 20, I told him straight to his face that the only person he remotely loved in the house was my mother. The rest of us he put up with since she cared for us. All he did was shrug.

It's times like that that I wish my dad had been a deadbeat. That he had left. Instead now, I have issues trusting people and even trying to let someone in.
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:39 PM   #78
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Originally Posted by graceofangels View Post
My issues are a little on teh reverse. I don't let anyone get close. My father was there all my life. But he spent it on the couch. He never participated in my life unless it was insult or hit me. There were many times he would tell me i was no good. that i wasn't worth it and i was mistake. In fact, before my mother finally divorced him when I was 20, I told him straight to his face that the only person he remotely loved in the house was my mother. The rest of us he put up with since she cared for us. All he did was shrug.

It's times like that that I wish my dad had been a deadbeat. That he had left. Instead now, I have issues trusting people and even trying to let someone in.
I missed this completely....I had no idea you had gone through that. I'm so sorry this happened to you, just wish there was someone in your life that's worth enough to get close to.
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:32 PM   #79
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Unhappy Abandonment

I thought this happened to everyone. Glad to know I am not alone.
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Old 11-26-2009, 07:01 PM   #80
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Default Pattern Recogntion.....

Recognizing patterns seems to be a common theme.....some information I found out about it.
Quote:
Pattern Matching - How the Brain Updates the Subconscious Mind

Pattern Matching is a primary brain process used to make sense of the world, learn from experience, create positive and negative habits, and develop addictions or other chronic conditions.

Pattern Matching Mechanisms - Intensity and Repetition

A little over 100,000 years ago a lone hunter made his way across the wetlands looking for food. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the skies were blue with white, puffy clouds and a gentle breeze was blowing.
The hunter noticed that off to the left, out of the corner of his eye, a bush moved... The next thing he knew he is being chased by T-Rex... Somehow he managed to get away.

About 30 days later the same hunter was out in the wetlands again looking for food. But this time he brought several of his friends with him... They made sure to go 30 miles in the opposite direction of where T-Rex was last time.

As the hunting party walked along it was a beautiful day... the sun was shining... the skies were blue with white, puffy clouds... and a gentle breeze was blowing.

Then, off to the left, a bush moved...

The hunterís friends turned around just in time to see him kicking up dust about a hundred yards away... running hard in the opposite direction.

In just one very intense experience, the close call heíd had with T-Rex had been "burned into his neurology" as a warning system to avoid getting eaten.

All the elements were there - the blue skies... the white puffy clouds... the gentle breeze... the beautiful day... the wetlands... the moving bush. All of these elements joined together in the proper sequence signaled the imminent probability of being eaten by T-Rex.

His "Don't Get Eaten" System instantly and subconsciously received the fear signal (trigger) resulting in a powerful need to find safety - right NOW!

This is an example of a mechanism the brain uses in order to learn from experience. Itís called pattern matching (AKA: Classic Conditioning).

There are only two ways to "burn a network into the brain" - Intensity and repetition.

Pattern Matching

Every time we have a new significantly intense experience the brain does a database search for similar experiences and stores the new experience in the same category.

Pattern matching is the basis for all sorts of phobias and panic disorders such as the T-Rex example described above... All it takes is one intensely frightening experience with a spider to develop a spider phobia...

* Seeing a spider = freaking out
* Reading the word spider = freaking out
* feeling something on the skin that could be a spider = ... well you get the point.

Pattern matching is also responsible for cravings and relapses back into addictions after a period of recovery.

For example, hearing a bell could trigger someone addicted to gambling to feel an urge to go to the track and bet on his favorite horse... Just reading the word "chocolate" can trigger an urge to find and eat some chocolate.

But without pattern matching learning would be impossible.

The brain sorts significantly intense experiences into categories... it stores these categories on neural networks in implicit memory. These categories begin with a little data and grow into large databases - networks of networks.


Learning to read is a good example. We started out learning to mouth one syllable and, with repetition, learned that one... then added two or three syllables to form more complex words.

When were able to say our first word everyone around us threw a fit! The intensity of the positive reinforcement combined with the repetition to create a synergistic effect.

Eventually we learn the alphabet, then spelling, then reading, later we learn grammar and syntax. All of these learnings belong to the category of language. Whenever we learn something new about language, the information updates the implicit database making it larger and more sophisticated.

This is why the more we learn - the easier it is to learn. It would be pretty discouraging to have to re-learn the alphabet every time we wanted to read a book.

Without pattern matching we would also be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. And as seen with the example of T-Rex... we might not even learn to survive.

Unauthorized Network Connections - PTSD

On the negative side - emotionally traumatic experiences are also intense. Take the example of defending your country in a war. Active combat is intense... The military knows that so they do everything the can to prepare their soldiers.

They know that intensity burns things into your brain so they have a very intense person called a Drill Instructor to be your teacher... the neural networks for survival in a war have to become automatic so they add repetition to intensity to step up the training process.

Once boot camp is over the neural networks for survival are in place and the soldier gets deployed... The battle ground is even more intense so all of those sights, sounds, smell, tastes, memories and experiences get burned into the brain too...

The implicit networks created in basic training become even more ingrained through the intensity and repetition of the battlefield - then, when his or her tour of duty is over, they thank the soldier kindly and send him or her home.

I wonder if enough is being done for our soldiers to help them adjust to coming home again... How do you turn all that off?

It's difficult, but not impossible, to re-wire or "turn off" an implicit network when it has become chronic, or deeply ingrained, such as the above example.

Likewise a network for an addiction, and networks that were created through growing up in a less-than-nurturing family can be "turned off" and other networks created by something often referred to as recovery programs.

Chronic networks have become so woven into the fabric of the mind that they feel necessary... they branch out, grow into and "hijack" other networks - such as those in charge of survival.

The Good News

There are many approaches to counseling and therapy that will help to create network changes... sometimes quickly. We are getting better and better at using this incredible ability of the brain to re-wire its own circuitry to facilitate positive changes in the lives of people we serve.

Many approaches to counseling and therapy produce the occasional revelation or epiphany... these experiences are somewhat intense and can re-organize our networks.

Less often, but still frequently a catharsis may occur in therapy. These are very intense pattern matching experiences that can produce a shift instantly or within a couple of days following the event.

If nothing else weekly sessions for a period of time can provide the repetition needed to make changes.

Since everyone has their own map of the world different approaches to therapy and different therapists will attract different people. There is no "one way" to produce change. Look around and find a therapist with an approach that fits your model of the world.

If you have a bad experience, try not to judge the whole concept of counseling on that one or even two such experiences...Keep looking, there is someone out there for you who can help.
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/..._matching.html
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Old 11-27-2009, 04:35 AM   #81
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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Recognizing patterns seems to be a common theme.....some information I found out about it.


http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/..._matching.html
Good info on pattern matching in the brain -cept whoever wrote it needs to know that humans were not around at the time of the T-rex as it discredits the rest of their science!!! (I had to bring that up as i am pedantic when it come to humans hunting dinosaurs!) *shakes fist*
apart from that i liked the imagary. Its also interesting because a lot of our fears and phobias and behaviours dont actually fit into our social world because they aren't consistent with our eea (environment of evolutionary adaptiveness). Evolutionary psychology is pretty new and there is not much empirical evidence as of yet to support it but it can explain some of the reasons people do what they do, for better or for worse and the ways we deal with others behaving badly towards us and the reasons we develop co-dependency, addictive behaviours etc. Its just one perspective but it seems to make sense on many levels.
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Old 11-27-2009, 02:29 PM   #82
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Originally Posted by Fat.n.sassy View Post
<When I asked him why he was leaving my sister and I, he said that he had a new family now with new children that came first. He left without looking back. I am 41 now and that still has the ability to make me cry buckets if I let myself feel it.>

I hope you will forgive me, because I know down deep you still love your dad, but WHAT an ASS your dad was!! Unfortunately I sort of know how this feels. My adult self cries for your little girl inside self.

(((Hugs))) Viv
Viv, I am sorry I did not see this sooner. I don't venture into this thread too often, it kinda hurts. Thank you
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:21 PM   #83
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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Recognizing patterns seems to be a common theme.....some information I found out about it.


http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/..._matching.html
Thanks GEF for all the information.
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