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Old 10-25-2009, 11:20 AM   #1
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Exclamation Fat tub of lard... a compliment

So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.

Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.

What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?
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Old 10-25-2009, 11:37 AM   #2
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It is not a compliment if it is offensive. The person saying this is socially retarded.
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Old 10-25-2009, 11:40 AM   #3
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Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..
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Old 10-25-2009, 11:42 AM   #4
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I've definitely experienced this, kay, and it is NOT a good feeling. What I love even more is when you react negatively to a "compliment" like that and they say you must have low self-esteem. Are you KIDDING me? Just because I enjoy my sexy fat body does not mean you get free reign to call me those things stupid children called me on the playground in elementary school. If it's an insult there, unless you KNOW it's something I'm okay with (like being called fattie... for me, that's fine and fun, but for others it isn't), err on the side of NOT using it until you hear me say it, or ASK how I feel about certain terms when we're not in the heat of the moment. And just for the record... tub o' lard is on the permanently NOT okay list for me.

I should also say... I actually *enjoy* being talked to about how fat/soft/squishy I am when I'm being romantic with someone... so offending me is probably even harder than offending many.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:37 PM   #5
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In this situation, just like any other, you make your opinion known. The first time he does it and you bristle, let him know how you feel, kindly. If he keeps calling you that and you hate it, then that's a serious red flag.

If he respects you, he'll respect how you feel. If not, buh-bye.

IMO there's a world of difference between descriptive praise of a fat body and "tub of lard" which is obviously a term born of teasing, humiliation, and taboo. Makes me cringe. It's your absolute right not to hear the latter if that's not what you're into.

Last edited by sweet&fat; 10-25-2009 at 03:04 PM.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:46 PM   #6
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Kayrae, yep, I wouldn't be surprised if a good number of us said we've been thru that with some word/phrase or another. With me it was "Piggy." In both english and french. O_o It's one thing to discuss those words with you before hand but to pull em out during the middle of sex or making out or whatever is another thing entirely. Def not cool.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:49 PM   #7
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Honestly I wouldn't really hang around to discuss it. Either he's playing some sort of game or he's a moron. Either way he be seeing my coat tails.

It's just incredible that he said that. I had to read your post twice to make sure this wasn't some sort of joke that I just wasn't getting.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:58 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by kayrae View Post
Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard."
Then you say "Mmmm, baby, so is your head."
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:00 PM   #9
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His ass = kicked to the curb. End of story. Anyone who knows me even just a little would know that I won't tolerate stuff like that.
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:04 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BubbleButtBabe View Post
Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..
Or, really, just never talk to him again after telling him to fuck himself...?
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:36 PM   #11
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He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:38 PM   #12
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Oh, that was totally how I was interpreting what you said, kay. Doesn't change my answer. lol
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:39 PM   #13
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Tell him he's got a tiny peen.....but that's okay......because you prefer tiny peens.....THIS IS A COMPLIMENT!
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:54 PM   #14
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Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.
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Old 10-25-2009, 08:46 PM   #15
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I have to agree with everyone...red flag!
to me it's like someone saying "you're so hot, you are so beautiful, I love to touch you... YOU'RE A DIRTY WHORE"! One negative can void out 10 positives

yeah... moment RUINED
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Old 10-25-2009, 08:57 PM   #16
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You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.
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Old 10-25-2009, 08:59 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Risible View Post
Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.
OHHHH Bingo...you hit that Ris....but i also have to say my response would be more like Tinas...today, fat tub of lard, tomorrow, fucking fat pig....

no thank you.
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:18 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet&fat View Post
You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.
You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:29 PM   #19
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You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).
I agree, Tina. I can handle a whole lotta awkwardness, having pretty much always hooked up with geeks. But just the very idea that someone could think -- let alone utter -- such a mean thing would forever make me wonder about that person. Like you, I'd be waiting when I'd hear it again, perhaps during an argument.
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:40 PM   #20
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He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!
I'm just floored that it would matter at all why he said it. Anyone who called me a fat tub of lard regardless of the meaning behind it, would not be around long enough to do it again.

I've been hanging around fat acceptance for well over 20 years, and I have certainly seen some some FAs that were socially awkward, but never one so lacking in common courtesy that he thought it was OK to call the object of his desire a "fat tub of lard".
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:58 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by sweet&fat View Post
You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.
Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did. However, you have the right to say, "You know what? This isn't okay with me." If you think he's an otherwise good guy and are interested in him outside of this particular situation, I'd say it's worth a discussion and a firm "Please don't ever call me that or anything like it again." If he doesn't immediately respect your feelings and apologize or if he says it again, tell him where to go.

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Old 10-25-2009, 10:11 PM   #22
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Not sure if I'm allowed to post here but, from a man's standpoint, that was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard.

There's a time and a place for "fat talk" but what Ashley says rings true, you have to be totally comfortable with someone to even talk about it, let alone out and out saying it at random.

I've seen people into humiliation and that kind of thing, and the words CAN be a compliment under those circumstances...however I know Kay and she's NOT into that kind of thing. If Kay gives this dude a second chance, he better have a huge apology ready and an explanation..if not, I go with Tina and Vickie's approach.
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:18 PM   #23
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Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did.

No, you know what? Common knowledge dictates that the majority of women are not okay with that, no matter what their size. That's akin to having oral sex for the first time with someone and them slapping you across the face, or having sex for the first time and them trying to choke you.

Sure, there are people that like it, but if you actually care about the person, you ASK what they like rather than just shoot from the hip and go for it, and more so, you get back what you put forth. You want to bring that on without a second thought? I'm gonna bring down the hammer without a second thought. That ass would get beat.

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Old 10-25-2009, 10:21 PM   #24
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,710
James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!James keeps pushing the rep limit!
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I've never used that phrase (don't think I've ever thought of a person as a tub of anything!) but I have made the mistake once of using the word 'fatty' in a similar situation many years ago that ended with a pretty harsh conversation with that person. I think that some phrases are beyond the pale in most situations and 'tub of lard' is probably one of them. Some, like 'fat' or 'fatty' can still be potential landmines depending on the level of reclamation an individual has over those words I think...

Here's, what I found to be, some interesting commentary on reclamation of the word 'fat' and appropriate usage thereof... http://meloukhia.net/2009/10/on_the_...on_of_fat.html
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:46 PM   #25
Tracii
 
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Commonwealth of Ky
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Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tracii has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Well that would finish the date for me.I'd walk out.
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