Fat tub of lard... a compliment

kayrae · 10-25-2009, 11:20 AM

So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.

Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.

What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?

Brenda · 10-25-2009, 11:37 AM

It is not a compliment if it is offensive. The person saying this is socially retarded.

BubbleButtBabe · 10-25-2009, 11:40 AM

Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..

BigBeautifulMe · 10-25-2009, 11:42 AM

I've definitely experienced this, kay, and it is NOT a good feeling.

What I love even more is when you react negatively to a "compliment" like that and they say you must have low self-esteem. Are you KIDDING me?

Just because I enjoy my sexy fat body does not mean you get free reign to call me those things stupid children called me on the playground in elementary school. If it's an insult there, unless you KNOW it's something I'm okay with (like being called fattie... for me, that's fine and fun, but for others it isn't), err on the side of NOT using it until you hear me say it, or ASK how I feel about certain terms when we're not in the heat of the moment. And just for the record... tub o' lard is on the permanently NOT okay list for me.

I should also say... I actually *enjoy* being talked to about how fat/soft/squishy I am when I'm being romantic with someone... so offending me is probably even harder than offending many.

sweet&fat · 10-25-2009, 02:37 PM

In this situation, just like any other, you make your opinion known. The first time he does it and you bristle, let him know how you feel, kindly. If he keeps calling you that and you hate it, then that's a serious red flag.

If he respects you, he'll respect how you feel. If not, buh-bye.

IMO there's a world of difference between descriptive praise of a fat body and "tub of lard" which is obviously a term born of teasing, humiliation, and taboo. Makes me cringe. It's your absolute right not to hear the latter if that's not what you're into.

olwen · 10-25-2009, 02:46 PM

Kayrae, yep, I wouldn't be surprised if a good number of us said we've been thru that with some word/phrase or another. With me it was "Piggy." In both english and french. O_o It's one thing to discuss those words with you before hand but to pull em out during the middle of sex or making out or whatever is another thing entirely. Def not cool.

Jasminium · 10-25-2009, 02:49 PM

Honestly I wouldn't really hang around to discuss it. Either he's playing some sort of game or he's a moron. Either way he be seeing my coat tails.

It's just incredible that he said that. I had to read your post twice to make sure this wasn't some sort of joke that I just wasn't getting.

katorade · 10-25-2009, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kayrae

Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard."

Then you say "Mmmm, baby, so is your head."

Miss Vickie · 10-25-2009, 03:00 PM

His ass = kicked to the curb. End of story. Anyone who knows me even just a little would know that I won't tolerate stuff like that.

Tina · 10-25-2009, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BubbleButtBabe

Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..

Or, really, just never talk to him again after telling him to fuck himself...?

kayrae · 10-25-2009, 03:36 PM

He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!

BigBeautifulMe · 10-25-2009, 03:38 PM

Oh, that was totally how I was interpreting what you said, kay. Doesn't change my answer. lol

Green Eyed Fairy · 10-25-2009, 03:39 PM

Tell him he's got a tiny peen.....but that's okay......because you prefer tiny peens.....THIS IS A COMPLIMENT!

Risible · 10-25-2009, 03:54 PM

Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.

fat9276 · 10-25-2009, 08:46 PM

I have to agree with everyone...red flag!
to me it's like someone saying "you're so hot, you are so beautiful, I love to touch you... YOU'RE A DIRTY WHORE"! One negative can void out 10 positives

yeah... moment RUINED

sweet&fat · 10-25-2009, 08:57 PM

You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.

SocialbFly · 10-25-2009, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Risible

Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.

OHHHH Bingo...you hit that Ris....but i also have to say my response would be more like Tinas...today, fat tub of lard, tomorrow, fucking fat pig....

no thank you.

Tina · 10-25-2009, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweet&fat

You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.

You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).

Miss Vickie · 10-25-2009, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tina

You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).

I agree, Tina. I can handle a whole lotta awkwardness, having pretty much always hooked up with geeks. But just the very idea that someone could think -- let alone utter -- such a mean thing would forever make me wonder about that person. Like you, I'd be waiting when I'd hear it again, perhaps during an argument.

Sandie S-R · 10-25-2009, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kayrae

He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!

I'm just floored that it would matter at all why he said it. Anyone who called me a fat tub of lard regardless of the meaning behind it, would not be around long enough to do it again.

I've been hanging around fat acceptance for well over 20 years, and I have certainly seen some some FAs that were socially awkward, but never one so lacking in common courtesy that he thought it was OK to call the object of his desire a "fat tub of lard".

Ashley · 10-25-2009, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweet&fat

You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.

Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did. However, you have the right to say, "You know what? This isn't okay with me." If you think he's an otherwise good guy and are interested in him outside of this particular situation, I'd say it's worth a discussion and a firm "Please don't ever call me that or anything like it again." If he doesn't immediately respect your feelings and apologize or if he says it again, tell him where to go.

KHayes666 · 10-25-2009, 10:11 PM

Not sure if I'm allowed to post here but, from a man's standpoint, that was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard.

There's a time and a place for "fat talk" but what Ashley says rings true, you have to be totally comfortable with someone to even talk about it, let alone out and out saying it at random.

I've seen people into humiliation and that kind of thing, and the words CAN be a compliment under those circumstances...however I know Kay and she's NOT into that kind of thing. If Kay gives this dude a second chance, he better have a huge apology ready and an explanation..if not, I go with Tina and Vickie's approach.

katorade · 10-25-2009, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashley

Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did.

No, you know what? Common knowledge dictates that the majority of women are not okay with that, no matter what their size. That's akin to having oral sex for the first time with someone and them slapping you across the face, or having sex for the first time and them trying to choke you.

Sure, there are people that like it, but if you actually care about the person, you ASK what they like rather than just shoot from the hip and go for it, and more so, you get back what you put forth. You want to bring that on without a second thought? I'm gonna bring down the hammer without a second thought. That ass would get beat.

James · 10-25-2009, 10:21 PM

I've never used that phrase (don't think I've ever thought of a person as a tub of anything!) but I have made the mistake once of using the word 'fatty' in a similar situation many years ago that ended with a pretty harsh conversation with that person. I think that some phrases are beyond the pale in most situations and 'tub of lard' is probably one of them. Some, like 'fat' or 'fatty' can still be potential landmines depending on the level of reclamation an individual has over those words I think...

Here's, what I found to be, some interesting commentary on reclamation of the word 'fat' and appropriate usage thereof... http://meloukhia.net/2009/10/on_the_...on_of_fat.html

Tracii · 10-25-2009, 10:46 PM

Well that would finish the date for me.I'd walk out.

10-25-2009, 11:20 AM	#1
kayrae doot doot doot Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Francisco Posts: 2,308	Fat tub of lard... a compliment So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat. Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT. What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond? __________________ Let's chop it up!

10-25-2009, 11:40 AM	#3
BubbleButtBabe No one cares anyway Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Hellsville Posts: 1,201	Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk.. __________________ To hurt someone's spirit is to kill their soul...Me Only two miracles are worth seeing: The miracle of loving And The miracle of forgiving-Sri Chinmoy

10-25-2009, 11:42 AM	#4
BigBeautifulMe That was a heart. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 10,216	I've definitely experienced this, kay, and it is NOT a good feeling. What I love even more is when you react negatively to a "compliment" like that and they say you must have low self-esteem. Are you KIDDING me? Just because I enjoy my sexy fat body does not mean you get free reign to call me those things stupid children called me on the playground in elementary school. If it's an insult there, unless you KNOW it's something I'm okay with (like being called fattie... for me, that's fine and fun, but for others it isn't), err on the side of NOT using it until you hear me say it, or ASK how I feel about certain terms when we're not in the heat of the moment. And just for the record... tub o' lard is on the permanently NOT okay list for me. I should also say... I actually enjoy being talked to about how fat/soft/squishy I am when I'm being romantic with someone... so offending me is probably even harder than offending many. __________________ "I am a size 0 if you multiply my current size by 0." - liz (di-va) "I just think your culinary choices could use more death of sentient creatures. Is that so wrong?" - Mini -Rosebud- I am imagining how lovely it would be to see your golden hair rising up over my belly when you are between my thighs -Rosebud- Like a cunnilingus sunrise

10-25-2009, 02:37 PM	#5
sweet&fat My aim is true. Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 1,521	In this situation, just like any other, you make your opinion known. The first time he does it and you bristle, let him know how you feel, kindly. If he keeps calling you that and you hate it, then that's a serious red flag. If he respects you, he'll respect how you feel. If not, buh-bye. IMO there's a world of difference between descriptive praise of a fat body and "tub of lard" which is obviously a term born of teasing, humiliation, and taboo. Makes me cringe. It's your absolute right not to hear the latter if that's not what you're into. Last edited by sweet&fat : 10-25-2009 at 03:04 PM.

10-25-2009, 02:46 PM	#6
olwen Disco Bear Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: nyc Posts: 7,814	Kayrae, yep, I wouldn't be surprised if a good number of us said we've been thru that with some word/phrase or another. With me it was "Piggy." In both english and french. O_o It's one thing to discuss those words with you before hand but to pull em out during the middle of sex or making out or whatever is another thing entirely. Def not cool. __________________ http://afatgirlwho.blogspot.com/

10-25-2009, 11:37 AM	#2
Brenda Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Milwaukee Posts: 632	It is not a compliment if it is offensive. The person saying this is socially retarded.

10-25-2009, 02:49 PM	#7
Jasminium sippin' beer thru straws Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Berkeley, CA Posts: 130	Honestly I wouldn't really hang around to discuss it. Either he's playing some sort of game or he's a moron. Either way he be seeing my coat tails. It's just incredible that he said that. I had to read your post twice to make sure this wasn't some sort of joke that I just wasn't getting.

10-25-2009, 03:00 PM	#9
Miss Vickie Executive Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 8,951	His ass = kicked to the curb. End of story. Anyone who knows me even just a little would know that I won't tolerate stuff like that.

10-25-2009, 03:36 PM	#11
kayrae doot doot doot Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Francisco Posts: 2,308	Social awkwardness? He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?! __________________ Let's chop it up!

10-25-2009, 03:38 PM	#12
BigBeautifulMe That was a heart. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 10,216	Oh, that was totally how I was interpreting what you said, kay. Doesn't change my answer. lol __________________ "I am a size 0 if you multiply my current size by 0." - liz (di-va) "I just think your culinary choices could use more death of sentient creatures. Is that so wrong?" - Mini -Rosebud- I am imagining how lovely it would be to see your golden hair rising up over my belly when you are between my thighs -Rosebud- Like a cunnilingus sunrise

10-25-2009, 03:39 PM	#13
Green Eyed Fairy is giggling. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In Your Head Posts: 19,275	Tell him he's got a tiny peen.....but that's okay......because you prefer tiny peens.....THIS IS A COMPLIMENT! __________________ "The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms." "See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

10-25-2009, 03:54 PM	#14
Risible Monkey Daze Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Muy Caliente Posts: 7,758	Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag. __________________

10-25-2009, 08:46 PM	#15
fat9276 summer summer summer Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 2,930	I have to agree with everyone...red flag! to me it's like someone saying "you're so hot, you are so beautiful, I love to touch you... YOU'RE A DIRTY WHORE"! One negative can void out 10 positives yeah... moment RUINED __________________ "Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical." ~Sophia Loren

10-25-2009, 08:57 PM	#16
sweet&fat My aim is true. Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 1,521	You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.

10-25-2009, 10:11 PM	#22
KHayes666 Retired Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 7,877	Not sure if I'm allowed to post here but, from a man's standpoint, that was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard. There's a time and a place for "fat talk" but what Ashley says rings true, you have to be totally comfortable with someone to even talk about it, let alone out and out saying it at random. I've seen people into humiliation and that kind of thing, and the words CAN be a compliment under those circumstances...however I know Kay and she's NOT into that kind of thing. If Kay gives this dude a second chance, he better have a huge apology ready and an explanation..if not, I go with Tina and Vickie's approach. __________________ Put your hands on a hot stove and a second can seem like an hour. When I put my hands on my hot fiancee an hour seems like a second

10-25-2009, 10:21 PM	#24
James vibeout Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 2,083	I've never used that phrase (don't think I've ever thought of a person as a tub of anything!) but I have made the mistake once of using the word 'fatty' in a similar situation many years ago that ended with a pretty harsh conversation with that person. I think that some phrases are beyond the pale in most situations and 'tub of lard' is probably one of them. Some, like 'fat' or 'fatty' can still be potential landmines depending on the level of reclamation an individual has over those words I think... Here's, what I found to be, some interesting commentary on reclamation of the word 'fat' and appropriate usage thereof... http://meloukhia.net/2009/10/on_the_...on_of_fat.html

10-25-2009, 10:46 PM	#25
Tracii Master Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,831	Well that would finish the date for me.I'd walk out.

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