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Old 10-31-2009, 01:32 PM   #1
likeitmatters
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Default my late partner had gastric bypass

and even though it has been almost 5 years since he died, I still cannot accept that I see hundreds living through the bloody disease and in fact some guy asked me out and after he told me he has gastric bypass I nearly went off on him.

I wish they would outlaw that operation plain and simple. out of the hundreds I have seen live and thrive, I must be the only one who lost a loved one. I see so many here who had it done and it just unnerves me to no end. Sorry if I am venting but really is this necessary to lose weight? how about having your teeth wired shut or stop eating and doing something else.

I wish I would hear about someone dying so at least I know I am not alone in this room by myself and give me peace of mind.

I will never ever recommend that operation to noone and I will never date anyone that had it done....I am just being selfish yes but the pain is still there from agreeing to have him take it...at least the one confort I have is that he is not in pain anymore and watching over me.

thank you for listening.

I posted this a few years ago...
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Old 10-31-2009, 05:16 PM   #2
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Wow. You really wish you'd hear about someone dying? Just to make you feel better? I really don't know what to say to that.

Yes, people die from WLS. They also die from obesity related diseases, too. A LOT. And also, everyone pretty much dies of something, don't they? None of us gets out of this thing alive. What matters is how we live our lives, the goodness we bring to the planet, the lives we touch, and lessons we learn.

I'm sorry for your loss, but having had losses of my own, I cannot understand wishing someone else would die just so you feel less alone. I can tell you that as someone who has lost people, my parents in fact when I was a child, my brother last year, and having my only close relative clinging to life, knowing that others are suffering doesn't make you feel better or less alone. There is NOTHING that fills that void. Nothing.

I wish you peace and healing, and even perhaps a smidge of compassion for those who have suffered from our weight who took a major, difficult step to try to regain our health and mobility. To answer your question: Yes. Yes. Yes. Sometimes it is necessary. We wouldn't do it if it weren't. Would I do it again? A thousand times yes. My only regret? Being talked out of it by well meaning people on a web board rather than following my own "gut" and doing it sooner.
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Old 10-31-2009, 05:21 PM   #3
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Default it was not just my partner who died

here is the time line

2003 ---his father died (my father in law)
2003----my father died 6 months later
2004----my partner died
2005----my mom died

and out of all those deaths his death hit me the hardest...so I know what death is miss vickie and yes it is selfish of me to wish somebody would have taken his place at least I would not be alone and an orphan.

Unless you lost someone absolutely dear you I do not think you would understand or begin to understand but I do appreciate your response though and best wishes.

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Old 10-31-2009, 05:29 PM   #4
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Honey, I was orphaned at 12. As in twelve years old. Both my parents died, leaving me to be raised by my brother, who is, by the way, dying of congestive heart failure and complications of diabetes. My other brother died last year. I have no other close relatives other than my children. That's about the epitome of the word "orphan", would you not agree?

Did you even read my post? When it comes to major losses in one's life I'm afraid I know far too well whereof you speak. And no, knowing that others are suffering doesn't make me feel any less alone. It makes me feel sorry for them. Including you.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:26 AM   #5
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I...think you need to see someone about your feelings. Upon reading them I get the feeling that your sorrow has fermented and twisted itself into an almost malicious rage. Loss is a horrible thing. I would honestly say seek help.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:56 AM   #6
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Default no I am fine I would never ever

do anything to hurt myself or not have a chance to be with him in the afterlife if you so believe in things of that nature.

I feel this operation is for the ones that cannot lose weight or for lack of trying. Where I worked years ago, we had 60 people who by defination were obese at least not in my eyes and they opted for the surgery because at that time blue cross and blue shield was paying for it and you know what? I heard most of them gained the weight back. to me it is a waste of time and money unless you are that rigid in discipile to follow what the doctors has told you and lets not forget all the skin that will be hanging on you and if nothing else you will look worse than ever but healthy.
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Old 11-01-2009, 08:51 AM   #7
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You know, I've been lurking on this forum for a while and I've seen a lot of disrespect, but I think you top them all.
I'm sorry for your loss. Grieving takes a long time to do properly, especially if you don't have a partner to help you through it. I have lost loved ones too, I think we all have. Your pain and frustration is understandable, as are your feelings on WLS.

Does that make it acceptable to go around making personal attacks on WLS patients? For many people depression is a serious issue after WLS and comments like this
Quote:
and lets not forget all the skin that will be hanging on you and if nothing else you will look worse than ever
are obviously intended to hurt.

It's like this: sometimes cancer patients die from the side effects of chemoradiation. However, many people still choose chemo because they believe it is the best option for them. Should I find people who are going through chemo and tell them that their hair will fall out?

I agree with Tooz in that you should probably seek professional help. If you can't afford it, there are many free support groups for grieving. Check with a hospital or church in your area, they will probably have a list.
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Old 11-01-2009, 08:30 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by likeitmatters View Post
I wish they would outlaw that operation plain and simple. out of the hundreds I have seen live and thrive, I must be the only one who lost a loved one. I see so many here who had it done and it just unnerves me to no end.

I wish I would hear about someone dying so at least I know I am not alone in this room by myself and give me peace of mind.
likeitmatters, your own arguments are contradictory here. If you're seeing hundreds of people survive and be happy after a procedure, and only one has died, that's a pretty low failure rate. It is really, really sad that it was your partner who died, but that doesn't mean the operation should be outlawed. People can die from any surgery; appendix removal, knee replacment... hell, even getting your wisdom teeth removed puts you at risk from the sedation and potential infection. That doesn't mean that NOBODY should get those operations.

Also, I think you misunderstand something here: the wishes for you to get counseling are not only because of a fear that you might hurt yourself, although that is a valid concern. It's because you're hurting other people. You're lashing out at others, and that is NOT OKAY. You are, by your own admission, still in a lot of pain, and you're not working through it on your own. That is what counselors are for. The only way you will feel relief of this pain is to go talk to someone.
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Old 11-02-2009, 09:54 AM   #9
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likeitmatters, your own arguments are contradictory here. If you're seeing hundreds of people survive and be happy after a procedure, and only one has died, that's a pretty low failure rate. It is really, really sad that it was your partner who died, but that doesn't mean the operation should be outlawed. People can die from any surgery; appendix removal, knee replacment... hell, even getting your wisdom teeth removed puts you at risk from the sedation and potential infection. That doesn't mean that NOBODY should get those operations.

Also, I think you misunderstand something here: the wishes for you to get counseling are not only because of a fear that you might hurt yourself, although that is a valid concern. It's because you're hurting other people. You're lashing out at others, and that is NOT OKAY. You are, by your own admission, still in a lot of pain, and you're not working through it on your own. That is what counselors are for. The only way you will feel relief of this pain is to go talk to someone.
Thanks, Teleute. Attacking people for the choices they make doesn't make one hurt less. I think it can just make you feel worse, and also, as you say, it's not okay.

We all make our own choices. Why can't we support each other? Even if we're in emotional or physical pain?
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Old 11-04-2009, 09:51 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by likeitmatters View Post
and even though it has been almost 5 years since he died, I still cannot accept that I see hundreds living through the bloody disease and in fact some guy asked me out and after he told me he has gastric bypass I nearly went off on him.

I wish they would outlaw that operation plain and simple. out of the hundreds I have seen live and thrive, I must be the only one who lost a loved one. I see so many here who had it done and it just unnerves me to no end. Sorry if I am venting but really is this necessary to lose weight? how about having your teeth wired shut or stop eating and doing something else.

I wish I would hear about someone dying so at least I know I am not alone in this room by myself and give me peace of mind.

I will never ever recommend that operation to noone and I will never date anyone that had it done....I am just being selfish yes but the pain is still there from agreeing to have him take it...at least the one confort I have is that he is not in pain anymore and watching over me.

thank you for listening.

I posted this a few years ago...
I think we all know that the surgery is fraught with peril. But I don't believe outlawing it altogether is the answer. In all matters it's important to remember that people are responsible for their choices good or bad. You always want to avoid playing the odds but when you have to WLS is far better than continueing to eat and gain and eventually lose your life to obesity complications.

My nephew was 28 and just over 450lbs when he had lap band wls. It has been a process with both good and bad moments. Two years ago after dropping 120lbs he had a bout with septicemia that nearly killed him. On the other hand the quality of life that he experiences now is much greater than what he knew then. Learning to live with wls is a challenge in and of itself that people should be aware of... but people need the option.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:22 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by likeitmatters View Post
and even though it has been almost 5 years since he died, I still cannot accept that I see hundreds living through the bloody disease and in fact some guy asked me out and after he told me he has gastric bypass I nearly went off on him.

I wish they would outlaw that operation plain and simple. out of the hundreds I have seen live and thrive, I must be the only one who lost a loved one. I see so many here who had it done and it just unnerves me to no end. Sorry if I am venting but really is this necessary to lose weight? how about having your teeth wired shut or stop eating and doing something else.

I wish I would hear about someone dying so at least I know I am not alone in this room by myself and give me peace of mind.

I will never ever recommend that operation to noone and I will never date anyone that had it done....I am just being selfish yes but the pain is still there from agreeing to have him take it...at least the one confort I have is that he is not in pain anymore and watching over me.

thank you for listening.

I posted this a few years ago...
I doubt anyone makes a decision to have WLS lightly. I know I didnt. My op is scheduled for a few weeks time and whilst I am sorry for your loss I do feel that you know jack s**t when you say that WLS is not necessary to lose weight. For some it is very necessary indeed!!!!!! Why in God's name would anyone chose to have WLS if it was not necessary. I have been trailing the internet for the past six months to research the operation and yours was the only post I have seen that refers to someone dying (and one article I read in a book). I have read thousands of testaments that this operation does work for those who are desparate to live, for those that see no other option and for those that know not having WLS is not an option if they want to live.

Your comments about hanging skin and looking worse after the opersation and spiteful. I know I will have hanging skin and that I will probably not be intimate with anyone for a long time because of it but guess what I dont care. It is a small price for health and longetitiviy of life. Like I said I am very sorry for your loss and you are entitled to your opinion but please spare a thought for us that have yet to go through the operation and have sleepless nights and panic attacks worrying about it. Your comments really dont help
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Old 11-15-2009, 12:01 PM   #12
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I doubt anyone makes a decision to have WLS lightly. I know I didnt. My op is scheduled for a few weeks time and whilst I am sorry for your loss I do feel that you know jack s**t when you say that WLS is not necessary to lose weight. For some it is very necessary indeed!!!!!! Why in God's name would anyone chose to have WLS if it was not necessary. I have been trailing the internet for the past six months to research the operation and yours was the only post I have seen that refers to someone dying (and one article I read in a book). I have read thousands of testaments that this operation does work for those who are desparate to live, for those that see no other option and for those that know not having WLS is not an option if they want to live.

Your comments about hanging skin and looking worse after the opersation and spiteful. I know I will have hanging skin and that I will probably not be intimate with anyone for a long time because of it but guess what I dont care. It is a small price for health and longetitiviy of life. Like I said I am very sorry for your loss and you are entitled to your opinion but please spare a thought for us that have yet to go through the operation and have sleepless nights and panic attacks worrying about it. Your comments really dont help
I agree that the OP seems to be raging at others in his grief and anger.

I'm very surprised though that your six months of research have yielded only two references to fatal complications from WLS... I just googled "died from wls complications" and on the very first page of results there were three such references:

from the comments section of:

http://bigfatdelicious.blogspot.com/...lications.html
"vesta44 said...
Annie - The doctors mentioned the risk of dying, but in exactly the same way as they mention the risk of dying from any other surgery (and I think the risks of dying from most other types of surgery are probably a hell of a lot less than 1 to 2%). So I think they downplay that risk especially. It's like, yeah, there's a risk of death from this surgery, but that risk exists no matter what kind of surgery you have.
If you want to read about my experience with WLS, Kate asked me to guest post about it on Shapely Prose a couple of months ago, so it's probably in her archives (she had me post right after Heidi made her guest post about her decision to have WLS).
See, I was really stupid when I had mine, because mine was done the month after my best friend died from her WLS (the same VBG I was having done, and hers had been done a second time). We were told at the time that her cause of death was myocarditis, and there were no secondary findings, that I know of. Now, after having found FA, I'm thinking that the mycarditis could have been a complication of the VBG."

and this:
"I know one lady who's daughter died after WLS from Wernke's Encephalopathy, malnutrition, and vitamin B-1 thiamin deficiency that wasn't diagnosed by the doctors until her autopsy. She was paralyzed and still they didn't know what was wrong with her. She left a little child behind. "
from
http://gastricbypass.netfirms.com/chrissie.htm

a quick scan of the guestbook of
http://www.size-acceptance.org/stop_wls/
has one poster giving testimony of several deaths attributed to WLS

and Sandy Swarzc, in an excellent article (recommended reading) at
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/...-weighing.html
refers to this JAMA paper
http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content...ct/294/15/1903
when she says:
"the most objective mortality data available to date found that 4.6% of patients die after having bariatric surgeries just within the first year. Most bariatric patients are women of childbearing age and such high surgical risks are not found in any other elective procedure done on such young patients, regardless of their size.

Overall post-op deaths from a hysterectomy among American women, for instance, is a mere 0.19%. Coronary artery bypasses are one of the most dangerous surgeries performed and are typically done on older patients, 75 years of age, on an emergency basis after a heart attack or other life-threatening event. Bariatric patients are comparatively young and healthy. Yet, the risk of dying from coronary bypass for the most obese man (BMI >36) is 1.3%, according to Dr. Paul Ernsberger, Ph.D., at Case Western Reserve School of Medicine, Cleveland, Ohio. That's 3 1/2 times lower than for bariatric surgery."



Whatsoever decision(s) you take - best of luck and the best of health.
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Old 11-15-2009, 04:54 PM   #13
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and Sandy Swarzc, in an excellent article (recommended reading) at
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/...-weighing.html
refers to this JAMA paper
http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content...ct/294/15/1903
when she says:
"the most objective mortality data available to date found that 4.6% of patients die after having bariatric surgeries just within the first year. Most bariatric patients are women of childbearing age and such high surgical risks are not found in any other elective procedure done on such young patients, regardless of their size.

Overall post-op deaths from a hysterectomy among American women, for instance, is a mere 0.19%. Coronary artery bypasses are one of the most dangerous surgeries performed and are typically done on older patients, 75 years of age, on an emergency basis after a heart attack or other life-threatening event. Bariatric patients are comparatively young and healthy. Yet, the risk of dying from coronary bypass for the most obese man (BMI >36) is 1.3%, according to Dr. Paul Ernsberger, Ph.D., at Case Western Reserve School of Medicine, Cleveland, Ohio. That's 3 1/2 times lower than for bariatric surgery."
That is interesting - the study does not distinguish by cause of death, though, so I wonder how this correlates with the higher suicide rates mentioned in the other thread.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:53 AM   #14
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I have been trailing the internet for the past six months to research the operation and yours was the only post I have seen that refers to someone dying (and one article I read in a book). I have read thousands of testaments that this operation does work for those who are desparate to live, for those that see no other option and for those that know not having WLS is not an option if they want to live.

This could be because the sites you are viewing are all surgery center sites, or support sites for after surgery. Those tend to be more cheerleaderish IMO, which I why I wish that we could discuss WLS more openly and honestly here at Dims.
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Old 11-18-2009, 10:57 AM   #15
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do anything to hurt myself or not have a chance to be with him in the afterlife if you so believe in things of that nature.

I feel this operation is for the ones that cannot lose weight or for lack of trying. Where I worked years ago, we had 60 people who by defination were obese at least not in my eyes and they opted for the surgery because at that time blue cross and blue shield was paying for it and you know what? I heard most of them gained the weight back. to me it is a waste of time and money unless you are that rigid in discipile to follow what the doctors has told you and lets not forget all the skin that will be hanging on you and if nothing else you will look worse than ever but healthy.
I'm going to echo what Tooz said again. I'm glad that you aren't going to harm yourself and I do believe you, but I believe you are harming yourself anyway by going on suffering in such grief without any help or counseling. You have been through so much and these years later you are still being eaten up. I really do think you may benefit from some counseling LIM, you have truly been though enough truama to where it seems mandatory regardless of what you think.
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Old 02-24-2010, 02:06 PM   #16
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I can tell you're really upset about your loss and that it's manifested itself in a kind of anger at WLS (the cause of his death) and those who have gotten it/are thinking of getting it (those going down a similar path). I'm sure it's a kind of... transplanting your anger at your partner's unfortunate suffering onto others who have chosen to take the same path.
I guess it's similar to how people who have had family members die from smoking are usually more likely to be hateful towards those who smoke now.


I can see how the things in your post might have been perceived by others as "hateful" and "cruel" but I think they are just by-products of your feelings - and that you didn't intend them to be insulting at all.

It could be because my whole life is so far removed from the issues of WLS that I am not reacting the same as others towards what you said; but I have to admit... I'm a little bit put off by the responses people have given you.
You poured out your feelings regarding gastric bypass surgery, and isn't that what this particular forum section is about? If people don't agree with your opinions (which are clouded by your negative experiences with a loved one's difficulties with WLS, hence why your opinions had an angry tone to them) they don't have to be so mean about it.

But then again, they thought you were the one being mean... so I dunno... all in the eyes of the beholder I suppose.
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Old 04-01-2010, 05:10 PM   #17
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Default I am sorry...

I have thought about this over and over and over and in my dreams my late partner came to me and gave me a lecture stating that it was his time to go and I should learn to accept others good fortune and good health and I have come to that conclusion. I am sorry if my words were mean and spiteful it is just that I loved this man so much in life and wanted him by myside forever and he told me that he is waiting for me when the time comes and I look forward to that day however back to why I am posting this.

I just felt it was a slap in the face for me to see so many have the surgery and live and I felt that I was the only one to lose someone who loved me without condition and was in rage as somebody posted earlier. but now, I am happy that somebody will live on and hopefully enjoy life and not have the problems that my late partner had. I do not accept this surgery though because it is only short term and unless you are willing to change your life completely, the weight will creep back on you and you will be right back where you started.

I wish all who had this surgery much love and happiness but please change your eating habits and work out and enjoy life.

thanks,

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p.s. dont know if anybody ever saw this pic of my immortal beloved and myself...
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Old 04-11-2010, 10:54 AM   #18
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likeitmatters has a good point. There have been several Dims and NAAFA members who have died from the barbaric WLS. I know at least 40 people who died from it. You can't attend a fat function without hearing about someone dying from it. Fat is beautiful. Hanging skin like a Sharpei dog is not. Neither is all the disgusting side effects that comes with WLS. Dumping is pleasant, too. Ugh.

Last edited by AnnMarie; 04-11-2010 at 12:55 PM. Reason: Removed attacks/generalizations that are inappropriate here.
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Old 04-11-2010, 03:50 PM   #19
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here is the time line

2003 ---his father died (my father in law)
2003----my father died 6 months later
2004----my partner died
2005----my mom died

and out of all those deaths his death hit me the hardest...so I know what death is miss vickie and yes it is selfish of me to wish somebody would have taken his place at least I would not be alone and an orphan.

Unless you lost someone absolutely dear you I do not think you would understand or begin to understand but I do appreciate your response though and best wishes.

I understand completely. Don't worry about what others say or think. You're in pain...it's easy to see. Of course you don't wish death on anyone just to feel less alone...but it's obvious you need to know that there are others out there who feel your pain firsthand. God bless you.
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Old 04-11-2010, 03:52 PM   #20
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likeitmatters has a good point. There have been several Dims and NAAFA members who have died from the barbaric WLS. I know at least 40 people who died from it. You can't attend a fat function without hearing about someone dying from it. Fat is beautiful. Hanging skin like a Sharpei dog is not. Neither is all the disgusting side effects that comes with WLS. Dumping is pleasant, too. Ugh.
Had to rep you hun!
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Old 04-11-2010, 04:12 PM   #21
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Had to rep you hun!
Thanks, ChubbyBubbles. I just can't comprehend how anyone could carve themselves up. Fat is beautiful and wonderful; NOT the enemy. I love fat and fat people whether they are 200 or 1000 pounds.
p.s. Love your name

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Old 04-11-2010, 05:56 PM   #22
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Thanks, ChubbyBubbles. I just can't comprehend how anyone could carve themselves up. Fat is beautiful and wonderful; NOT the enemy. I love fat and fat people whether they are 200 or 1000 pounds.
p.s. Love your name
I think that is a very offensive and upsetting sentiment to express towards people who are considering WLS. If they are unhappy with their weight and the problems and limitations it may cause them, calling them pathetic and self-loathing really does not help one bit. You need to be more accepting of others.

Last edited by AnnMarie; 04-11-2010 at 08:50 PM. Reason: edit quote that was subject to moderation
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Old 04-11-2010, 06:01 PM   #23
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I think that is a very offensive and upsetting sentiment to express towards people who are considering WLS. If they are unhappy with their weight and the problems and limitations it may cause them, calling them pathetic and self-loathing really does not help one bit. You need to be more accepting of others.
My post isn't directed at anyone but the thread author and ChubbyBubbles. I have no acceptance for WLS. It is a barbaric, disgusting, mutilating of beautiful fat. Ugh.

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Old 04-12-2010, 09:11 AM   #24
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:38 AM   #25
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Yeah, WLS really is. The poor guy in the OP lost his beloved partner. SO many people die from the barbaric surgery. So sad.
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