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Old 11-18-2009, 05:38 PM   #1
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Default Childless By Choice

Since I've gotten married I feel I'm getting pressure to start a family and not even from family members. (Steve's family and my family both know that we aren't planning on children...and they all agree it's the best thing for all involved lol) It seems there is a baby boom at work and I'm constantly hearing "Bridget, you're next!!" or "Bridget, when are you going to have a couple of kids?"

I would like to be able to say "Well, it's none of your business" but that would be rude. Ok..what I'd REALLY like to say is that I think pregnancy is repulsive - yeah it's beautiful and a miracle and all that crap, but someone LIVING in my gut for 9 months?!? CREEPY - that I don't think it's worth it financially, and that I just don't want the responsibility. But those are probably worse responses than the "none of your business" one.

And oh the LOOK OF HORROR when I tell people that I'm not having kids because I don't want them. Like I just shot Bambi's mother right in front of him for crying out loud.

Even worse than the pressure of having babies that bothers me so much as the way that the mothers are so damn condescending to childless married women. Like I'm less of a person, all of a sudden I don't exist or something. That I can't possibly understand how busy they are, or how much they have to do in a day or how I'll never experience real unconditional love unless I become a parent.

If my decision to not have children is OK with me, then why can't it be OK with everyone else? When women at work are pregnant for the 3rd or 4th time I don't say "Jeez, isn't it time to stop yet?!!?" And believe me...sometimes I want to say it.

There are times when I do feel somewhat guilty for not wanting kids. I know there are people out there that would do anything for a child, and it makes me feel sort of like a heartless monster sometimes to be honest, that I have no desire to have children.

Am I the only one that feels this way??
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:43 PM   #2
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No Goof, you are not the only one to feel this way. I used to be offended by gay folks calling straights "breeders", but when I am around a group of the nouveau parents and their demon spawn, I understand.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:54 PM   #3
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I'm in the no-kids-for-me camp. My mom likes to think that when I meet the right fella I'll magically want the things. But no thank you. No sirree bob. I don't even like being around kids.

Co-worker: "Laura, Susie brought in her kid."
Me: "That's nice."
Co-worker: "Well aren't you going to go over?"
Me: "No thanks."
And then the glare, Laura you cold icy-hearted bitch. What kind of monster are you?
Co-worker: "You went over when Amy brought in her puppy."
Me: "Well yeah, it's a puppy."

So no, you are absolutely not the only one.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:56 PM   #4
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I'm also a card-carrying non-breeder, and I dislike when people ask me why. I feel like it's a personal decision that I shouldn't have to justify.

For the record, though, I don't dislike kids. I think they're cute and fun and pretty entertaining a lot of the time. I just don't want to own any.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:59 PM   #5
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I used to think I wanted kids. Almost did a couple of times too, when I was married.

But the older I get, the less desirable that thought is. All I have to do is spend time in the shops, and watch the feral little monsters screaming in the aisles and I am cured

And yes, I also have friends who treat me like I am missing out on being "a real woman" because I don't have an ankle biter of my own. I have a cousin who is "Earth Mother" with 3 horrid children, and she always looks at me with sympathy.

You are not alone.


Actually, I don't mind babies.....it's just when they learn how to say no, that is when they are tiresome.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:17 PM   #6
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Never had the slightest bit of interest in it. Don't like them, don't have them, don't regret it.

One of my theories as to why some women get all condescending and in your face about it is they secretly don't think it's as wonderful as they were led to believe. I'm sure parenthood is great but i'm sure it can also be soul sucking, boring, annoying, stressful, and frustrating. The thing is, if it's not what you dreamed it would be you're STUCK. So I think a lot of women try to justify and rationalize it by ensuring that you breed too---misery loving company and all that.

Put my squarely in the "but it's a puppy" camp too. I'd be a lot more interested in seeing a new puppy than some squalling brat.

One fun snarky idea to shut them the hell up is if somebody says "You're next" or some such crap, start tearing up a little and tell them you're infertile. They'll spread the word like wildfire and quit bothering you because it might pain you to hear about it.

Or tell them Steve was born a woman and doesn't have functional testes. Either would be fun.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:19 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by goofy girl View Post
There are times when I do feel somewhat guilty for not wanting kids. I know there are people out there that would do anything for a child, and it makes me feel sort of like a heartless monster sometimes to be honest, that I have no desire to have children.
Your heart and kindness keeps me in awe. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:28 PM   #8
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One fun snarky idea to shut them the hell up is if somebody says "You're next" or some such crap, start tearing up a little and tell them you're infertile. They'll spread the word like wildfire and quit bothering you because it might pain you to hear about it.
No, that's when they take it upon themselves to ratchet up their concern. When hubby & I learned we couldn't have children, we weren't particularly upset. Childless was perfectly fine, and in a way we were glad the decision had been made for us. What did annoy us were the well-meaning people who kept telling us about fertility treatments, and of course, "you can always adopt!" No, really, we're fine. It took only a decade or two for people to see that being childless worked really well for us. We like children, and it's a lot of fun at family gatherings when the little kiddos love to sit in their big fat Aunt Sue's lap. Then they get down and go home.

As to co-worker conversations, my favorite went something like this:
Co-worker: "Isn't that the most beautiful baby in the world?"
Me: "What? My mother said I was the most beautiful baby in the world."

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Old 11-18-2009, 06:33 PM   #9
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Whenever I say I don't want kids people always say something along the lines of, oh you're young sweetheart.. you don't GET it yet.

Maybe that's true. Get back to me in 10 years and we'll talk.

For now though, I REALLY don't want children. I don't want the financial or emotional responsibility, I don't want to go through the actual children bearing process and I honestly have zero interest in raising a child. Children are.. okay.. when they're other people's. To be completely honest.. I feel very awkward around kids haha. I just don't like them all that much. They can be cute at times but it takes very little time for me to get irritated. One of my friends is pregnant right now and I'm actually very happy for her because it's something I know she really wants.. but, I just don't feel like it's for me.

Sometimes, every once in a little while, I do get a little motherly instinct going on and I wish I had a baby but it goes away pretty quickly haha. I think it's just hormones.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:46 PM   #10
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Sometimes, every once in a little while, I do get a little motherly instinct going on and I wish I had a baby but it goes away pretty quickly haha. I think it's just hormones.
That's a smart way to look at it. A biological urge does not necessarily coincide with the practical thing to do.

Not everyone has the financial, spiritual, or emotional resources for parenting. Not everyone is temperamentally suited to it. You may have a genetic condition or your husband might that you don't want to pass on. It may not be compatible with other life plans like if you want to travel or have a certain type of job like Emergency Medicine.

Also lots of people are really short sighted and see "cute little baby in cute Snuggli and little booties" and dont' think about the kid screaming, ruining your sex life, puking, gross diapers, the terrible twos, the excessive cost, the fact your kid might turn out to be a drug addicted kleptomaniac.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:51 PM   #11
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Yep, exactly. I think a lot of people when they think about having children.. ESPECIALLY at my age think awww baby, aw 2 or 4 year old.. do they ever think oh hey.. 14 year old getting in trouble or 16 year old wanting to drive your car or 18 year old wanting you to help pay for college. No. I know because my parents were that way. They were fantastic until I wasn't really a child anymore and then they sorta got sick of it and half assed the last 6 years of my life. I don't want to be that person.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:55 PM   #12
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I've actually thought about the whole infertility speech LOL But I'm a huge believer in Karma and I'm terrified if I lie about something like that I'll get uterine cancer or something LOL

I have those moments, too, ThatGirl. A few years ago a co-worker brought her baby into work and I held her for about 7 seconds and started bawling and I had to beg her to take the baby away...thought I might run out the door with her. But, 5 minutes later I was like, WTF was that about? ha!
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:57 PM   #13
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I have two sets of couples that do not want to have children as friends. They two constantly get hassled as well and one time my friend asked me why Grant and I wanted kids. I explained it was cause we were both only children and we were the babies of our family and not close to them we wanted to have our own family. He said you know you are the first person to tell me a good reason why they had kids and you know I appreciate you never hassling us to have kids. I said well you know what that is your personal choice and NO ONE should tell you how to live your life. My other friends had his Grandma chase her (literally) around the kitchen with a turkey baster saying I want great grandkids dammit! Why it is people think that everyone should reproduce is beyond me. They love our kids, thier neices and nephews but also love the life they have created for themselves.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:08 PM   #14
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I have those moments, too, ThatGirl. A few years ago a co-worker brought her baby into work and I held her for about 7 seconds and started bawling and I had to beg her to take the baby away...thought I might run out the door with her. But, 5 minutes later I was like, WTF was that about? ha!
Haha.. yeah, I had a few minutes like that when my friend first told me she was pregnant. I was like awww I want that to be me, but then 5 minutes later I was like what the hell. No I don't.

My mom and grandparents have already expressed their disapproval at me saying I don't want children. My mom's like BUT I WANT GRANDKIDS. My response? You should've had more children so the probability was higher. (I'm an only child.) Like, I'm not going to have children so you can have grandchildren
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:34 PM   #15
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Love, love, love children. But I definitely DO NOT WANT. And I've felt this way for over 8 years... maybe when I'm older I'll change my mind. I actually got into a pretty big argument about it with someone I was dating. That relationship pretty much ended because of it.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:38 PM   #16
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no way girl.. you are not alone. I love my nieces and nephews, but I love to give them back and go home when I am done giving them love and fun. I do not want kids. I want to get married but nokidsthxbye
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:40 PM   #17
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I have 4 kids and two grandkids that i adore. That's it though. I like MY kids . Other kids get on my nerves. Never cared to get googly eyed with a baby or play with little kiddies. So yeah i can understand the childless by choice camp.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:43 PM   #18
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I would like to be able to say "Well, it's none of your business" but that would be rude.
Actually what's rude is to ask such a personal question in the first place.

maybe you can say "If you'll forgive me for not answering a question about such a private matter, i'll forgive you for asking it."
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:49 PM   #19
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I am a child free zone. I can only take them in 6 hour increments.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:04 PM   #20
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Don't stress. When you are ready, then you can have them. At some point that biological clock would tick like crazy.

I'm 26 right now in a serious relationship and it's ticking--but I don't want any right now--I'm busy in school taking some teaching courses. If I want a kid, I have to do it before age 35, I don't want my child coming out with defects.

You shouldn't be forced to have kids when you are not ready. Kids demand the ultimate attention.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:14 PM   #21
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Don't stress. When you are ready, then you can have them. At some point that biological clock would tick like crazy.

I'm 26 right now in a serious relationship and it's ticking--but I don't want any right now--I'm busy in school taking some teaching courses. If I want a kid, I have to do it before age 35, I don't want my child coming out with defects.

You shouldn't be forced to have kids when you are not ready. Kids demand the ultimate attention.
I think the whole point of this thread is that it's OK to never want kids and to deny that a "biological clock" has anything to do with it. I don't think anyone in this thread is merely saying "I'm not ready."

Also, plenty of women over the age of 35 have healthy babies.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:19 PM   #22
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I think the whole point of this thread is that it's OK to never want kids and to deny that a "biological clock" has anything to do with it. I don't think anyone in this thread is merely saying "I'm not ready."

Also, plenty of women over the age of 35 have healthy babies.
I have a lot of respect for people who know that they don't want kids and take the steps needed to make sure that they don't have them. Raising a child is a huge, life-changing responsibility and no one should be faced with shouldering that responsibility unless its one that they want.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:24 PM   #23
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I think the whole point of this thread is that it's OK to never want kids and to deny that a "biological clock" has anything to do with it. I don't think anyone in this thread is merely saying "I'm not ready."

Also, plenty of women over the age of 35 have healthy babies.

That's fine, kids are not for everybody. Everyone is not meant to have kids. I'm a strong believer in not forcing people to do what they don't want to do. Besides, someone else in the family can carry down the family name.

Sure, women can have kids over 35, but that risk of defects is very high. I'm not taking that chance.

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Old 11-18-2009, 09:25 PM   #24
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Im not into the whole pregnancy thing either.

My mom is just yearning for a grandbaby. She talks about it with me and my older (single, childless and wanting to stay that way) brother. Then she tells me that when (if!!) I get married, I'll change my mind... and that may very well happen, but as of right now- I dont want kids!

Its not that I dont like kids... its just that I like animals better

However, I have decided that if I ever became the a parent (by adoption!) I would name them Ioan and Saoirse.
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Old 11-18-2009, 10:00 PM   #25
Carrie
 
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I agree that "why aren't you planning to have kids?" is quite a personal/bordering on outright rude question to ask a person, but unfortunately, it doesn't surprise me at all that people ask it anyway. Pregnancy in general is seen as such a public domain kind of topic that people feel okay asking a total stranger if they can feel her pregnant belly. It kind of boggles my mind, that.
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