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Old 11-18-2009, 10:25 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by happyface83 View Post

That's fine, kids are not for everybody. Everyone is not meant to have kids. I'm a strong believer in not forcing people to do what they don't want to do. Besides, someone else in the family can carry down the family name.

Sure, women can have kids over 35, but that risk of defects is very high. I'm not taking that chance.


I wasn't going to chime in on this thread because I personally haven't yet made the decision- seems like it would be jumping the gun seeing as I am not in a relationship at the moment. (though that's just me, not criticizing anyone who knows what they want ahead of time) Though, I fully support people who don't want to have children, its your decision and you don't owe anyone an explanation about it. That being said, while I am sure it was not intended as offensive the above quote left me bothered. I am having trouble putting my finger on it, and even more trouble articulating it but I think it has to do with families and societies preferring a male heir because they carry on the family name and all that entails as opposed to female children who married into their husbands family. Obviously this is not usually the case anymore but somehow the above seems like one of those notions left over from that era...if that makes sense. Again I am sure its not what you were implying and I am in no way putting words in your mouth, that's just how it struck me.
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:22 AM   #27
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No, that's when they take it upon themselves to ratchet up their concern. When hubby & I learned we couldn't have children, we weren't particularly upset. Childless was perfectly fine, and in a way we were glad the decision had been made for us. What did annoy us were the well-meaning people who kept telling us about fertility treatments, and of course, "you can always adopt!" No, really, we're fine. It took only a decade or two for people to see that being childless worked really well for us. We like children, and it's a lot of fun at family gatherings when the little kiddos love to sit in their big fat Aunt Sue's lap. Then they get down and go home.

As to co-worker conversations, my favorite went something like this:
Co-worker: "Isn't that the most beautiful baby in the world?"
Me: "What? My mother said I was the most beautiful baby in the world."
This is a post I can relate to. While I'm 40, and anything is possible, Frank and I have pretty much accepted that it probably won't happen for us, what with my PCOS and doctors refusing to prescribe fertility drugs until I lose weight.... Anyway, with accepting the childless state, I've come to appreciate things not possible if we had become parents. We are freer to do things we want to do without having to consider the logistics of travelling with babies and all their accessories. We'll never be wealthy, but money is easier than it would be with kids, as well. I love my nieces and nephews, but it's nice to give them back to my sister after spending a little quality time with them.
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:46 AM   #28
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I know myself well enough to know that children are not a good choice for me. While I don't paricularly care for chidren, I don't wish them harm, well maybe the two that were screaming the last time Harold and I went to dinner. My own background and the examples of my siblings have convinced my I have made the right choice for me.

I have little patience, less tolerance and come from a family of abuse. I have no regrets. None.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:12 AM   #29
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Don't stress. When you are ready, then you can have them. At some point that biological clock would tick like crazy.
Except, no.

I hate children. I will NEVER have children.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:12 AM   #30
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I don't care for children. I feel your irritation, Goofy.
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Old 11-19-2009, 03:03 PM   #31
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I knew I didnt want kids when I was 13. Deep in my heart and soul, I just KNEW IT. I never had that maternal instinct, never really liked kids. I could tolerate them for a brief period of time but that is it.

I have 5 neices and nephews. I was a wonderful aunt, made the girls matching Christmas dresses, always had fun with them but I knew they would go home after a while. I was never interested in "oooooing and ahhhhing" over babies. I was rather indifferent and glad I didn't have to take the baby home.

My clock was never ticking. I am perfectly happy with no kids in my life. I can go where i want, do what i want and spend my money on me. Some people think that is selfish, I don't. I think it's selfish to have kids when you really dont want to just because you think you should, does that make sense?

However, all that being said, I will aways stand inbetween a child and danger. Whether it is an animal or a stranger. I would never allow a child to be hurt, if I can help it. Anyway, our choices should be respected.
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Old 11-19-2009, 04:42 PM   #32
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When someone brings up when you're going to have kids, you look at them with a stunned expression and say "I don't know why you think that my reproductive choices are any of your business." Then when you get any other comments, you use that same line - repeatedly if necessary.
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Old 11-19-2009, 07:08 PM   #33
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However, all that being said, I will aways stand inbetween a child and danger. Whether it is an animal or a stranger. I would never allow a child to be hurt, if I can help it. Anyway, our choices should be respected.
I wanted to quote this because it's exactly how I feel.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:49 PM   #34
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I have no intention of having children, nor have I ever. In terms of caretaking, cats are my limit.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:51 PM   #35
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In terms of caretaking, cats are my limit.
Haha, yes, I feel this way too. I don't want to be a cat lady like the unmarried kind.. I want to convince my boyfriend to be like.. a cat couple.. 10 cats each.
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Old 11-19-2009, 10:15 PM   #36
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I have a lot of friends who are, as they call it, "child-free," and I can respect that. Being someone who is totally for a woman's right to do as she pleases with her reproductive system, I think it's great that a woman knows what she does, and doesn't want. There are enough unwanted children in the world, so let the people who want children have them and the ones who don't want children take steps to prevent having them. Where's the rule that any and every couple has to have kids anyway?
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Old 11-19-2009, 10:31 PM   #37
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Goof you are a lovely person, and you seem happy with your husband and your cat.
It is nobody's business but your own!

I understand about the whole condesending mothers thing.
Some women try to make you feel less of a woman if you do not have children.

A few weeks ago I came across a child who had been left unattended in a car. The mother was nowhere to be found.
I of course stayed with the child until the mother returned some 15 minutes later.
When I confronted her about it, she said she had to do errands, and that it was too hard to take the child with her.
I was horrified, as anything could have happened. I told her so also.
The woman then said " Do you have children? How would you know what it is like?"
I was stunned.
One does not have to have children to know that leaving them unattended in a car is something that should NEVER happen.
Such an asshole this woman was. A condesending mother.

I get asked if I am going to have children. At one time I thought that I might, but I am not well enough to. It would be too much for me to physically and emotionally handle.
That fact does not make me less of a woman.

I am fine about it now. I love my freedom and my peace and quiet!
I get to be an Auntie to Gigi and Marcus, and my other nephews and nieces and that is enough.

Goof your life is just perfect as it is.
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Old 11-19-2009, 11:04 PM   #38
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I can't seem to keep my bathroom smelling clean with 2 cats. Good luck with 20 lol!
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Haha, yes, I feel this way too. I don't want to be a cat lady like the unmarried kind.. I want to convince my boyfriend to be like.. a cat couple.. 10 cats each.
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Old 11-19-2009, 11:06 PM   #39
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I can't seem to keep my bathroom smelling clean with 2 cats. Good luck with 20 lol!
Hahaha yeah it'd actually be pretty gross to have 20 cats.
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Old 11-19-2009, 11:23 PM   #40
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Co-worker: "You went over when Amy brought in her puppy."
Me: "Well yeah, it's a puppy."
Laura this made me laugh outright.

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Originally Posted by Ashley View Post
I'm also a card-carrying non-breeder, and I dislike when people ask me why. I feel like it's a personal decision that I shouldn't have to justify.
It makes my blood boil when people are rude enough to question your decision not to procreate-- as though you're doing something wrong. Gah.

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Whenever I say I don't want kids people always say something along the lines of, oh you're young sweetheart.. you don't GET it yet.
I've never heard this one before, but it's infuriating. I'm not quite sure what the motivation of saying that would be. "Oh, sweetheart, you're young. You'll outgrow your childish desire not to have children even if you don't ever really want them." Whatever. While I can't say you'll never change your mind, I have plenty of friends and relatives who decided kids weren't for them in their early teens and never regretted it.


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Originally Posted by Shosh View Post
Goof you are a lovely person, and you seem happy with your husband and your cat.
It is nobody's business but your own!

I understand about the whole condesending mothers thing.
Some women try to make you feel less of a woman if you do not have children.

A few weeks ago I came across a child who had been left unattended in a car. The mother was nowhere to be found.
I of course stayed with the child until the mother returned some 15 minutes later.
When I confronted her about it, she said she had to do errands, and that it was too hard to take the child with her.
I was horrified, as anything could have happened. I told her so also.
The woman then said " Do you have children? How would you know what it is like?"
I was stunned.
One does not have to have children to know that leaving them unattended in a car is something that should NEVER happen.
Such an asshole this woman was. A condesending mother.

I get asked if I am going to have children. At one time I thought that I might, but I am not well enough to. It would be too much for me to physically and emotionally handle.
That fact does not make me less of a woman.

I am fine about it now. I love my freedom and my peace and quiet!
I get to be an Auntie to Gigi and Marcus, and my other nephews and nieces and that is enough.

Goof your life is just perfect as it is.
Shosh, that is horrific! I can't believe some people.

Goof, you have every right to say whatever you want to these people. I have one child, but that doesn't mean I or any other "breeder" has the right to ask you probing personal questions or assert their opinion on your reproductive choices.

I totally understand that there are some situations in which you must maintain total civility. However, when it comes to women who choose to be condescending about the fact that you don't have children, tell those uppity wenches where to shove it! Good luck to you. Children or no, you are every bit as smart, responsible, and busy as any other woman.
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Old 11-20-2009, 12:05 AM   #41
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Unfortunately in this day and age people feel free to ask anyone almost anything. As a woman who wanted children but never became pregnant, I would get this question all the time. My response was always, "I haven't been blessed." Even two years ago when I was in medical rehab people, practically strangers would ask me if I had children. If I said no, they would ask why? Oh, I don't know, just to have a something to talk about with a stranger.

My brother-in-law and his wife decided to not have children. They get the same questions. Her answer to nosy people "People who don't want children, shouldn't have them." That should get the point across.

Geez, how long did we have to fight to get the freedom to do what we want with our own bodies? If someone does not want to have a child, leave them alone.

At this point, my husband and I have come to realize that because we have never had our own children, we get to be the cool aunt and uncle. Not only that we are very close and most of the couples we know that do have children are not as close. It is just human nature to put the kids first in a relationship.

Bridget, I do think that if these are people that you see every day, you are going to need to address the situation somehow. But hopefully once you tell a person, they will get it and back off. If they don't I would just tell them, we have already discussed this and every time you bring it up it makes me wonder why you are doing this.
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Old 11-20-2009, 12:25 AM   #42
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I think it would be awesome if it were socially accpetable to tell somebody who says "oooh i can't wait to be a mommy that don't worry dear, one day you'll change your mind.

Or even to go up to some harried looking breeder whose kids are running around making a mess of a public place and screaming and breaking things and say "I have to ask you, whyever did you decide to have children?"

My mother who not only has one biological child but a degree in early childhood education and taught for years and ran a preschool/prekindgergarten program in her local school system was once out to eat in a coffee shop. She got her food and coffee and was sitting down reading the newspaper and some little demon spawn was acting up next to her, stomping his feet and yelling at his dad. She didn't want her lunch interupted so she just got up and moved. Apparently the mother got offended that somebody actually was not overjoyed to be seating next to little Damian and walked over to her new seat after she moved and yelled at her "It's so obvious you don't have or LIKE CHILDREN." Now first off, I don't think either of those things is an insult, but this idiot was wrong on both counts. My mom said "Actually, I have and do like them, your was just ruining my lunch so I moved."
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Old 11-20-2009, 12:26 AM   #43
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I can't seem to keep my bathroom smelling clean with 2 cats. Good luck with 20 lol!
True but you also have two kids. How many kids=how many cats in the cleanliness department. maybe she could manage 10.
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Old 11-20-2009, 01:06 AM   #44
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(I'm not sure if it's OK for me to post here, if not then please delete).

This is something that Teleute and I have discussed a lot. She gets asked when babies are coming often, I never am. While we haven't made a final decision on kids, we are agreed on a few things:
1) Not now
2) She's not bearing them (her uterus, her rules).

My favorite response to "when are you having kids?" is "2020". The odds of them remembering in 11 years time are pretty slim, and until then we have a tactic to shut them up.
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Old 11-20-2009, 03:11 AM   #45
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True but you also have two kids. How many kids=how many cats in the cleanliness department. maybe she could manage 10.

LOL I have two kids AND two cats! My kids are pretty clean though and they flush after they use the toilet.
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Old 11-20-2009, 03:27 AM   #46
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Sometimes i'm torn, as i get the "oh you will change your mind when you meet the right person", as most of my friends are single parents i envision myself being a single parent and i don't want this for myself, so maybe they are right if i have the support then maybe i would change my mind....

Am not saying anything negative about single parents, i don't want that for myself as i see how hard it is, and i know that most people never plan to be a single parent..
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Old 11-20-2009, 06:25 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Tina View Post
I have a lot of friends who are, as they call it, "child-free," and I can respect that. Being someone who is totally for a woman's right to do as she pleases with her reproductive system, I think it's great that a woman knows what she does, and doesn't want. There are enough unwanted children in the world, so let the people who want children have them and the ones who don't want children take steps to prevent having them. Where's the rule that any and every couple has to have kids anyway?
Yes. This.

I've wanted children since I was in my late 20's. I was someone who felt that I'd never desire a child, and did change my mind. However, I know that a lot of people who feel this way never do, and there's not a thing in the world wrong with that.

I think that a lot of people just naturally assume that what THEY want is something that everyone else does (or should) want. It took me a long time to understand the good intentions behind some incredibly nosy or pointed questions directed at my husband and I, as we remained childless into our late 30's. In fact, it wasn't until after I adopted Jegan that I begin to understand in some small way. Everything that the childless by choice crowd has said about the difficulties of raising children, the hard work, the often grueling aspect of caring for them 24/7 is true. But I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. That's just me. I know that someone who wishes to remain childless wouldn't find the same joy in the things that I do. However, I don't think that the nosy parkers of the world are asking to be cruel. I think that they just can't understand the concept of someone not wanting what is, to them, the most important thing in the world. The 'mommy' badge is one that I proudly display, and I now understand why my friends and family wanted it so badly for me (at times, moreso than I did). Having said that, though ... I chose this, and I wanted it. I can absolutely understand why many people do not choose it, do not want it, and still manage to have fulfilling and meaningful lives. Unfortunately, a lot of clueless parents, who are joyful about their precious lil spawn (), can't seem to understand why this isn't a choice for everyone.
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Old 11-20-2009, 06:27 AM   #48
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I'm apart of this group too! My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, and I think FINALLY people are getting it that we are most likely not having children and have stopped asking. He has never really wanted children, and for a while I really really did. And after I had pre cancerous cells removed from my cervix, my Dr told me that I may have problems getting pg and then have problems keeping a pg. I figured I can be ok with it, or be bitter about it. I dont want to go through a lot of $$ and heartache with fertility treatments, so I had to be ok with it, for my sanity.

And for the most part, I dont like kids. I dont think many of them are cute, and I like my life as it is. I do get twinges every once in a while, and my husband and I recently had a long talk about things that happened in our past, and us having children. And we may try someday, but there are things I want in place first before that even happens. And right now, I like it being just us and the dogs. I like that I can just leave my house whenever I want, and dont have to worry about kids. My kids can be left home alone

But I will say that after saying I'm not having kids for the past 8ish years, people in my family have stopped asking.
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Old 11-20-2009, 07:04 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
I like that I can just leave my house whenever I want, and dont have to worry about kids. My kids can be left home alone
I have to admit, I miss that a lot. And we still have many years ahead of us before we can ever just take off at a moment's notice. Right now, I practically have to plan to leave the house just to go buy groceries.

I admire your approach. Unfortunately, I did become bitter and angry, disillusioned, and sometimes couldn't even bring myself to congratulate or feel happy for people who were having children. I wish I could take that part of it back -- the inability to be gracious.
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Old 11-20-2009, 07:54 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by fatgirlflyin View Post
LOL I have two kids AND two cats! My kids are pretty clean though and they flush after they use the toilet.
I've read where cats can be taught to do that.
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