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Old 12-18-2009, 07:42 PM   #1
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Default How do you feel about thin partners who like you fat?

THIS QUESTION IS DIRECTED AT BBW/Fat Women ONLY, PLEASE.

Ladies, since Dimensions is already so full of talk of weight gain and feederism, I hesitate to bring this question before you.

But maybe it's something that BBWs need or want to talk about.

What I'm curious about:
Erotic feelings are what they are, and there's almost no accounting for what turns people on. OTOH, I know that one thing I've always wanted to experience in my own relationships is the shared assumption that there is nothing wrong with fat, per se--that fat itself is not a death sentence.

So it's disconcerting to me to see so many thinner people at Dimensions who prefer fat partners yet express not only a simple desire to stay thin, but frequently a strong fear of getting fat, or a very strong dislike of their own bodies when they are heavier.

It's these extreme reactions I'm concerned with here, not the typical person who's always been thin and feels naturally best at that size.

Since I subscribe to the Health at Every Size theory, I do believe it's possible to be healthy and active without having to be a "perfect" size. But what do you all make of thin people who are attracted to fat people BUT have a very pronounced preference against or fear of getting fat themselves?
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:03 PM   #2
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I think we put too much energy into questioning the FA attraction to Fat people. If that attraction is loving and concerned and real what does it matter where it originates from or how sensible it is. To answer the Q though: I prefer my men athletic, hard (hehehe!) so it doesn't bother me at all. Dims was the first place where I encountered FA's who had had issues or problems with their own bodies and their weight, men and women who had struggled with their own size and felt more powerful smaller and didn't want to get bigger. Again I don't see a problem with their love of fat and their erotic feelings about gaining as long as those feelings don't come with intent to harm. It's 5am and i haven't slept so really hoping this makes sense.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:43 PM   #3
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I think we put too much energy into questioning the FA attraction to Fat people. If that attraction is loving and concerned and real what does it matter where it originates from or how sensible it is. To answer the Q though: I prefer my men athletic, hard (hehehe!) so it doesn't bother me at all. Dims was the first place where I encountered FA's who had had issues or problems with their own bodies and their weight, men and women who had struggled with their own size and felt more powerful smaller and didn't want to get bigger. Again I don't see a problem with their love of fat and their erotic feelings about gaining as long as those feelings don't come with intent to harm. It's 5am and i haven't slept so really hoping this makes sense.
Thanks, Tau. What I'm hoping to approach, though, is an understanding of the seeming contradiction between fearing fat for oneself, yet desiring it on someone else.

So it's clear, this question is not posed from a judgmental stance--if that's how people are, that's how people are. I'm only hoping to explore fat women's understanding of this phenomenon and possibly see how fat women feel about it themselves.

I think it's worth exploring without the fear that it makes us somehow less appreciative of FA affections. We can seek to understand it even if we accept it.
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Old 12-19-2009, 11:06 AM   #4
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When talking about an honest to goodness real relationship it doesn't bother me at all, precisely for the reasons you brought up - one can be attracted to one thing but not want that thing for themselves. Trying to figure out why is the kind of thing that would give me a headache, so I just accept it at face value. Then too, while I don't like the fear of fat aspect in a general sense, I can also understand not wanting to go thru some of the things that fat people deal with despite good health. For example, while I don't have internal health problems like diabetes, I do have osteoarthritis at what I think is too young an age. I wouldn't wish the pain I go thru on anyone, and I know that I have osteoarthisis because of my size despite the fact that trying to get fit is what caused it. As long as I end up with a partner who understands and will deal with the limitations I have because of it, then it's fine.

But, I would have a problem with a thin person who preferred fat people but who wouldn't be willing to deal with whatever physical limitations being fat entails. Then I'd think that kind of a person is only interested in using a fat person for sex and nothing more. While there is nothing wrong with that in and of itself, like if they can find a fat person who is also only interested in casual sex, then it's cool, but...I think my thoughts are coming off the track...do you know what I mean here?

...If a thin person wants to use a fat person for sex but only on their terms then there is a problem, cause it often means that the fat person's needs whether physical or emotional aren't being respected. That's when you know the thin person really has a problem with fatness despite being attracted to it, and that contrast will cause problems for all involved.

Some people have the inner strength to be attracted to fatness and some don't. Some fat people have the inner strength to be fat and some don't. All of that is what it is, but there are just times when it makes for bad relationships either way. I really hope what I'm trying to say makes sense. I'm sorry if it's all jumbled, but I guess in my head this is not a black and white issue.
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Old 12-19-2009, 05:43 PM   #5
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In my experience, one thing this can be based on is a conception of gender. Some of the guys I have gone out with who prefer to date fat women describe their belief that it is how a woman is supposed to be: fat, soft, curvy, all that. It's somehow wrapped up in their notion of femininity and womanhood. (I don't agree with that, because thin, average, and hard/muscular women shouldn't be left out of the definition of what is considered "womanly." But this is a line of thought I've encountered quite a bit.)

Usually going along with this definition of womanhood is a notion of manhood that says men need to be hard, defined, muscular, strong, etc. So these men are pretty focused on maintaining a "hard body" - or if they don't have it, at least bemoaning the fact that they don't - since they feel like they are less "manly" or something because of it.

I don't agree with these conceptions of gender and what men's and women's bodies *should* be like. And I hope for people make peace with their bodies (even if part of that means wanting to take care of their bodies differently). In an ideal world, guys I date would be with me on these things. But I do not live in an ideal world.
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Old 12-20-2009, 12:13 AM   #6
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Thanks, Tau. What I'm hoping to approach, though, is an understanding of the seeming contradiction between fearing fat for oneself, yet desiring it on someone else.

So it's clear, this question is not posed from a judgmental stance--if that's how people are, that's how people are. I'm only hoping to explore fat women's understanding of this phenomenon and possibly see how fat women feel about it themselves.

I think it's worth exploring without the fear that it makes us somehow less appreciative of FA affections. We can seek to understand it even if we accept it.
This is an interesting question. If you fear fat on yourself and desire it in your female partner that would seem to heighten the attraction in that your partner possesses a quality that you find intriguing although you do not possess it. Is that not a form of opposites attract? However, when it is a thin hard body of a man attracted to a really fat women it seems to take on some sort of added dimension in that in confronts one's notion of propriety in that thin people could not possibly be attracted to fat people. Personally, I love the contrast of it in that it is so apparent that a thin male and I would be polar opposites which seems exciting in its stark difference.
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Old 12-20-2009, 01:36 PM   #7
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It bothers me that I have a strong attraction to chubby boy bodies (and the occasional chubby girl body too!), but that it's such a struggle for me to be okay with my own fat. In fact, I think realizing how unfair I've been to myself in that regard has been pretty instrumental in building self-acceptance.

I think as long as your motivation isn't a harmful one, it's okay to be attracted to an aspect of another person that you yourself do not embody. I love cock, but I'm not running out to get sex reassignment surgery, you know?
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Old 12-20-2009, 03:01 PM   #8
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In my experience being a BBW, the thin or average-sized man who wants to be with a fat woman who stays fat is often doing so out of a sense of low self esteem. They want the fat woman because they think nobody else will want her, so she'll stay with him. If she wants to lose weight or DOES lose weight, they are threatened by this because it means she may be attractive to others. I have NEVER been involved with a man who genuinely PREFERS a bigger woman because he actually finds her size to be attractive. The men I've been with have been with me in SPITE of my size, not because of it.
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Old 12-20-2009, 04:03 PM   #9
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I think in some instances it may a disorder-related paradox, which has everything to do with fantastically skewed self-perception or a manifestation of general self-loathing/self-blame and virtually nothing to do with any deep-seated fat hate. In these cases, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND and try not to add extra judgement/accusation burdens to an already complicated and difficult situation.

Olwen and Starwitness made a great point - I guess it doesn't really matter WHY people feel that way so long as they approach other people, and particularly their fat partners, with sensitivity and sincere respect.
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Old 12-20-2009, 04:29 PM   #10
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Just a friendly reminder folks - If you are not a bbw, please do not respond to this thread. Thank you,

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Old 12-21-2009, 02:40 AM   #11
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I feel it's about the synthesis of the relationship. And I'm fine with how someone feels about themselves (insecurities and all) if there is a real connection between us.

If a man has a fat fetish to the point where I feel objectified, that is as though I may as well be a plus sized blow up doll and I as a person are not important then I don't really care how he feels about himself, because he feels nothing real for me except lust.

The opinion was expressed by Anna that some men will be with a big girl because they have a low self esteem and think a fat woman won't leave them and I think this is an apt observation in some cases - others are connected to the person and are attracted physically, mentally and emotionally (I like these ones).

Sometimes what one finds attractive in the other has little to do with how they feel about their own bodies and things. Humans are complex souls.

If I am deeply connected with someone, then they inevitably are aware and accepting of my insecurities and I of theirs.
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:00 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
THIS QUESTION IS DIRECTED AT BBW/Fat Women ONLY, PLEASE.

Ladies, since Dimensions is already so full of talk of weight gain and feederism, I hesitate to bring this question before you.

But maybe it's something that BBWs need or want to talk about.

What I'm curious about:
Erotic feelings are what they are, and there's almost no accounting for what turns people on. OTOH, I know that one thing I've always wanted to experience in my own relationships is the shared assumption that there is nothing wrong with fat, per se--that fat itself is not a death sentence.

So it's disconcerting to me to see so many thinner people at Dimensions who prefer fat partners yet express not only a simple desire to stay thin, but frequently a strong fear of getting fat, or a very strong dislike of their own bodies when they are heavier.

It's these extreme reactions I'm concerned with here, not the typical person who's always been thin and feels naturally best at that size.

Since I subscribe to the Health at Every Size theory, I do believe it's possible to be healthy and active without having to be a "perfect" size. But what do you all make of thin people who are attracted to fat people BUT have a very pronounced preference against or fear of getting fat themselves?
Tough question.

Being a bbw/ffa I find I like the size contrast and most Fa's are the same way.
So while one partner is big..the other remains small.
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Old 12-21-2009, 03:03 PM   #13
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In my experience being a BBW, the thin or average-sized man who wants to be with a fat woman who stays fat is often doing so out of a sense of low self esteem. They want the fat woman because they think nobody else will want her, so she'll stay with him. If she wants to lose weight or DOES lose weight, they are threatened by this because it means she may be attractive to others. I have NEVER been involved with a man who genuinely PREFERS a bigger woman because he actually finds her size to be attractive. The men I've been with have been with me in SPITE of my size, not because of it.
My goodness this is very sad if it is true.

I have to say I have always found the opposite, especially with George. Do you not believe in FAs? Or even just men who like their girls bigger?? As I assure you there are plenty of them. There's a whole forum of them here!

It's a bit offensive really. I know George is with me as he adores my shape, as well as my face, my hair and my personality so to suggest this might not be the case is a little disconcerting.

I'm genuinely sorry if these are the only types of experiences you have had with men.

In response to the question, George is slim and gets uncomfortable/unhappy if he puts on weight. It does make me feel odd yes, that he looks at me as fat and thinks it nice but hates extra weight on himself.
His explanation is a gender one. He likes women to be fat, thinks women should be fatter, curvier, womanly. But he doesn't feel like men should. That's his reasoning and I can see where he is coming from. Women should have curves, their bodies are designed for hips and boobs etc whereas mens aren't as such.
(Not saying there is anything wrong with BHM, please don't blast me!)
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:22 PM   #14
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Sure I believe FAs exist. I just haven't personally MET ONE, at least not one that was ever interested in me for anything other than sex.

To be honest, in my experience men are willing to have sex with me at any time. But to be seen in public with me, oh HELL no. They won't be seen with the fat girl. In a photo (just a head shot) I don't look heavy, and I've had men change their minds about dating me because they see the rest of me or find out that I'm a BBW. It got to the point that when I was doing the online dating thing, I'd put in my profile that I was a BBW just to weed out the assholes in the beginning.

I've NEVER met a FA who was interested in me, and I'm only about 275, which is small by a lot of BBW standards. I don't know, maybe it's where I live or my interests... hell, even the fat GUYS who were balding and social misfits still seemed to feel like they were entitled to a size 6 supermodel. Mind boggling.


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My goodness this is very sad if it is true.

I have to say I have always found the opposite, especially with George. Do you not believe in FAs? Or even just men who like their girls bigger?? As I assure you there are plenty of them. There's a whole forum of them here!

It's a bit offensive really. I know George is with me as he adores my shape, as well as my face, my hair and my personality so to suggest this might not be the case is a little disconcerting.

I'm genuinely sorry if these are the only types of experiences you have had with men.

In response to the question, George is slim and gets uncomfortable/unhappy if he puts on weight. It does make me feel odd yes, that he looks at me as fat and thinks it nice but hates extra weight on himself.
His explanation is a gender one. He likes women to be fat, thinks women should be fatter, curvier, womanly. But he doesn't feel like men should. That's his reasoning and I can see where he is coming from. Women should have curves, their bodies are designed for hips and boobs etc whereas mens aren't as such.
(Not saying there is anything wrong with BHM, please don't blast me!)
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:45 PM   #15
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I am glad this topic is being discussed. I have never talked to any of my partners about them gaining weight. I love to cook and usually they end up gaining about 20. lol. However I have spoken to a couple of FAs on dims who really pissed me off. Both made comments about loving bbws but could never imagine letting themselves get big. One went on to discuss his dietary and exercise routine to avoid gaining weight. I actually got "advice" on what I should not eat to gain any more weight and what hours are good to eat other things. I could not imagine being with someone who feels that way. I do not understand how someone could love my curves but disgusted if they gained a pound. Nah that is a head trip I would rather avoid.
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:48 PM   #16
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My partners have all be slender/medium/thin/skinny. They all prefered to stay that way, and did not wish to be fat or have extra fat on them (at the time I was with them, who knows what they've done since). None of them had them "eh, if I get fat, I get fat" attitude at all.

This didn't even remotely bother me. I think if their attitude had been "well, I don't want to be fat because that's a death sentence" then clearly there's a gaping chasm between what they desire and what they believe, and I couldn't in good conscience be with someone who was judging my very life so harshly.

However, none of them had that attitude. They mostly had the "fat form is for female" attitude, and for that I was thankful.

I am not interested in a partner who desires to gain themselves, it's just not my thing at all. Not a judgment, I have no issue with what anyone wants to do or what they like, but that I would not pick a gainer/wannabe gainer as a partner as we'd ultimately end up at odds over it.

I've always enjoyed the "fat is for you, thin is for me" opposites attract thing. It's never been handed to me as a burden I have to carry, as I'm not a gainer/feedee, etc. I'm just a fat girl and they're just a guy who digs this fat girl - worked out fine in that respect and hopefully will again in the future.

So, yeah, I'm fine with the perceived contradiction, but I really don't see it as that. I see it as "I like what I like on others, and I like what I like on myself".... just as I like being fat and do not look for that in a partner.
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:58 PM   #17
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I understand someone being happy with their size and not wanting to gain. I am also not into the feeder/gainer lifestyle. However I am not about to flip out if my partner gains weight. It is another thing when the person is disgusted by fat and talks about it like it is a disease.
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Old 12-21-2009, 08:36 PM   #18
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I have to say that.....it's come to light to me.....that one of THE most important things to me in a relationship is a man that has NO weight requirements for me, period.

If he cannot say the magic words of " I like/love you no matter what you weigh" then that fool's a goner. No bullshit. It's bottom line with me. (New bf said it.......didn't ask for it....never expressed it as a requirement.....just something he said.....and it cinched it for me)

Funny.....I can hate the way I look fat or thin.....but he damn sure better be able to get past it because.....it's the inside of me that wants to be loved. Loving my inside means he's not hung up on my body........

Just how I see it.......

All that being said.....I try to give the same back.
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:49 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
I have to say that.....it's come to light to me.....that one of THE most important things to me in a relationship is a man that has NO weight requirements for me, period.

If he cannot say the magic words of " I like/love you no matter what you weigh" then that fool's a goner. No bullshit. It's bottom line with me. (New bf said it.......didn't ask for it....never expressed it as a requirement.....just something he said.....and it cinched it for me)

Funny.....I can hate the way I look fat or thin.....but he damn sure better be able to get past it because.....it's the inside of me that wants to be loved. Loving my inside means he's not hung up on my body........

Just how I see it.......

All that being said.....I try to give the same back.
This is the best ever. Super happy for you that your new guy is such a rare gem in this way! Not sure I'm at the point yet where I have that same bottom line. I would like to, but in some ways I still feel like I have to make concessions for "reality." But I'm moving closer to that bottom line on a daily basis.

I think this thread does raise an important question that's definitely worth discussing, but it also presupposes that the bulk of the "turn-on" only happens physically: around body type, etc., and that just simply isn't true for me (and, I think, for most of the men I've dated - not that there's a long list).
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:42 AM   #20
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it also presupposes that the bulk of the "turn-on" only happens physically: around body type, etc., and that just simply isn't true for me (and, I think, for most of the men I've dated - not that there's a long list).
No, well... I was addressing only one facet of fat-thin relationships--a very specific kind of dynamic, in fact. I wonder if you could explain why it seemed that the thread presupposed only a physical turn-on. It might add to or clarify some aspect of the discussion.

I'm pleased that this thread has attracted so many interesting posts!
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:44 AM   #21
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Sure I believe FAs exist. I just haven't personally MET ONE, at least not one that was ever interested in me for anything other than sex.

To be honest, in my experience men are willing to have sex with me at any time. But to be seen in public with me, oh HELL no. They won't be seen with the fat girl. In a photo (just a head shot) I don't look heavy, and I've had men change their minds about dating me because they see the rest of me or find out that I'm a BBW. It got to the point that when I was doing the online dating thing, I'd put in my profile that I was a BBW just to weed out the assholes in the beginning.

I've NEVER met a FA who was interested in me, and I'm only about 275, which is small by a lot of BBW standards. I don't know, maybe it's where I live or my interests... hell, even the fat GUYS who were balding and social misfits still seemed to feel like they were entitled to a size 6 supermodel. Mind boggling.
*Big, big hugz* finding love isn't easy. I know many fat girls who've had no difficulty finding and keeping it, but I haven't, still looking, and can tell you've been hurt too. I just wanted to say - keep strong, don't settle, don't take shit just so you're with somebody. Either God will send you the person who will be your perfect fit or there's something more you're meant to be getting out of this journey as a single person. Either way, you aren't alone, and I hope that one who'll adore you as you are and be proud of you as you are, comes along soon.
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:53 AM   #22
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Sure I believe FAs exist. I just haven't personally MET ONE, at least not one that was ever interested in me for anything other than sex.
.
There's gonna be a whole slew of 'em in Mass pretty soon, and Jersey not long after that... and then I think they're heading to Mass again. We'll have to further research their migration patterns.
In all seriousness, it's one thing to talk to people online but meeting FAs in PERSON? OUT FA'S? It's pretty cool.

And, I raise this topic with almost every thin guy I talk to just because I find it interesting too (well, and because i'm a wee bit paranoid still). I mean, I talk to people on a FEEDING-centered website that are marathon runners, personal trainers, a bodybuilder. I bring it up, you know, "Why are you so... not fat?" And I always get the same response, "it doesn't look good on guys" or the "guys are supposed to be thinner" or I even had some guy tell me "Well, it's nature. your bodies are meant to have more body fat biologically."
So who knows. I mean, we preach on here all the time that you can't help who you're sexually attracted to, right? From a somewhat-FAish perspective myself, I like fat on me. I like fat on women. I'm ok with fat on guys, but as i've been growing up more, I feel like my tastes are more leaning toward leaner guys, and I've been known to date/hook up with very, very THIN women. I have to admit, I kinda like being the fat one in the relationship, so it doesn't bother me if my partner wants to stay thin, it's a win-win situation really.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:29 AM   #23
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No, well... I was addressing only one facet of fat-thin relationships--a very specific kind of dynamic, in fact. I wonder if you could explain why it seemed that the thread presupposed only a physical turn-on. It might add to or clarify some aspect of the discussion.
I may have misinterpreted your intial question, or perhaps because of the larger context I added more meaning than you intended. I guess it's just because the focus was on body size, saying "thin partners" and focusing on body preferences, etc. It's probably just my own hangup in wanting to keep away from having body size be the primary and defining attribute of me or someone else while in a relationship. That's why I really loved what GEF said about wanting to be accepted at any weight, and striving to do the same for her partner.

Apologies if I misconstrued your question.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:36 PM   #24
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*Big, big hugz* finding love isn't easy. I know many fat girls who've had no difficulty finding and keeping it, but I haven't, still looking, and can tell you've been hurt too. I just wanted to say - keep strong, don't settle, don't take shit just so you're with somebody. Either God will send you the person who will be your perfect fit or there's something more you're meant to be getting out of this journey as a single person. Either way, you aren't alone, and I hope that one who'll adore you as you are and be proud of you as you are, comes along soon.
Well, I am married now.... to someone who says he loves ME, regardless of what size I am. But he's another one of those guys who says he prefers big women, but the women I catch him looking at, the type of porn he's interested in, etc. are the skinny bimbos with the big (fake) tits.
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Old 12-22-2009, 10:44 PM   #25
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You know another comment I would like to make after reading the discussion in this thread is this...

In my early 20's, with a terribly low self esteem myself, I had a few experiences with men, where I thought if they found me attractive, there must be something terribly wrong with them. I learnt that if I saw myself a certain way any poor man had no chance with me because I would be looking for his flaws to justify how screwed up he was for liking me, therefore reinforcing my own negative view of myself. Then a man fell absolutely in love with me and it totally freaked me out that I WAS beautiful to someone and made me realise that the world didnt revolve around my own negative egocentric obsession with how fat I was.

Over the years I have gotten to like myself mostly, and interestingly when a man comes along who I don't think is worth my time or energy or affection I just don't go there. As a result I appreciate the nice ones for their lovely qualities instead of looking firstly for the flaws.
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