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Old 12-21-2009, 08:26 PM   #1
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Default Trust Issues

Eh, here I go again. But.....I know I'm not alone on some of the issues that plague me/my life.

I have trouble trusting a new man. Has he done something wrong? I want to say "not really". He's acted like a man, at times. What does that mean?
Not so sure about that either. Not mad at him......just feel like I don't know the "real him" yet so my guard is still up. Which surprises me more, I wonder....my guarded wall or him?

Is he doing something wrong? Do I have a higher expectation of him than I should? Am I looking for rainbows and waterfalls again when I can only find them alone? Or.....am I just looking to cut this guy off at the knees?
I like to believe that my thinking/emotions are not that stinted....that some good common sense is in the mix of my thoughts/feelings.

I have seen many discussions about people here with trust issues...whether it's weight related or from past experiences. Seems like this could be a good topic.

Share what is on your mind about trust. What is trust to you? How do you know when you can trust someone? What makes you distrust someone?
Experiences? Ideas? Desires?

It's okay with me if "non-bbw" share their experiences with trust issues, as well.
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Old 12-21-2009, 08:47 PM   #2
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If you have trouble trusting a new man, this makes you a smart cookie, IMO. After all, what is trust but the ability to predict, with reasonable accuracy, how someone will act in a given situation? You can't really trust someone until you know him/her fairly well. In the meantime, if you agree to cosign on a loan for somebody you've known for a whole hour, that's not trusting -- that's gambling.
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Old 12-21-2009, 10:07 PM   #3
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Trust is a function of time. It is foolish to trust too soon since you have no experience to base it on. The bigger question concerning trust is can you trust yourself? Can you trust that you can remain optimistic and forward thinking when someone betrays your trust. In the end, no matter how heinous, you cannot control what another person does, you can control your reaction. How are you going to behave when you have been betrayed? Is another person's betrayal going to constrict your options or are you going to remain positive in spite of betrayal.
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Old 12-21-2009, 10:16 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Eh, here I go again. But.....I know I'm not alone on some of the issues that plague me/my life.

I have trouble trusting a new man. Has he done something wrong? I want to say "not really". He's acted like a man, at times. What does that mean?
Not so sure about that either. Not mad at him......just feel like I don't know the "real him" yet so my guard is still up. Which surprises me more, I wonder....my guarded wall or him?

Is he doing something wrong? Do I have a higher expectation of him than I should? Am I looking for rainbows and waterfalls again when I can only find them alone? Or.....am I just looking to cut this guy off at the knees?
I like to believe that my thinking/emotions are not that stinted....that some good common sense is in the mix of my thoughts/feelings.

I have seen many discussions about people here with trust issues...whether it's weight related or from past experiences. Seems like this could be a good topic.

Share what is on your mind about trust. What is trust to you? How do you know when you can trust someone? What makes you distrust someone?
Experiences? Ideas? Desires?

It's okay with me if "non-bbw" share their experiences with trust issues, as well.

Keep your guard up since you really don't know him; he's new. With time and him acting like a good guy (not perfect though), hopefully your guard will go down, BUT if it doesn't, listen to that. Maybe there's something you're sensing, but not seeing that gives you a good reason to keep that guard up.

GEF.........I don't know........really, did you only have rainbows and waterfalls when you were alone, or were you having those just because you didn't have to worry about trusting another man and the potential of that trust being destroyed?
Mizz
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Old 12-22-2009, 02:50 PM   #5
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Greenie, get outta my head! All of these threads you've started are all things I have struggled/still struggle with. Trust is one of the worst. Having been hurt so deeply by people who supposedly loved me and who were tasked with caring for me, it's almost impossible for me to trust. And then, when I do, and the inevitable disappointment happens (as much from my unreasonable expectations of human behavior as anything else), it starts that tape playing in my head, "See? People are untrustworthy. Why bother? You just get hurt...."

It's a struggle, definitely.

To answer your question, "trust" is the belief that what you're being told is true, and that the person in question is being honest about their feelings, about who they are, where they are, etc. I need to have as complete honesty as possible -- which doesn't mean telling me every stray thought but rather if you tell me something it'd better be true. This need for honesty has caused problems with my relationships with my husband, friends, and my kids (who as teens have a near biological imperative to lie). Lying to me is about the worst thing someone can do to me, and if I'm lied to it can take YEARS for me to get over it -- if ever. Even if it's a silly stupid lie about "nothing".
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Old 12-22-2009, 03:40 PM   #6
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For me, trust is closely aligned with truth. I can have confidence and rely on a person (ie trust), because in my dealings with the individual they have been truthful. Truth, can be a two edged sword, truth can be reassuring but it can also hurt. Truth means there will be times the person we trust may tell us something we don't want to hear. We must recognize that the truth is not being revealed to hurt us, but to help us move forward with the facts we need to make good decisions and choices. In any situation it is vitally important that we know ourselves. Not only know ourselves, but VALUE ourselves. We must understand what we hold to be the minimum required standards for how we should be treated and what we expect from others. We must have the courage and personal belief in ourselves, that when those standards have been broken by someone, we have the right to demand an apology or terminate the relationship. In other words, we must have trust in ourselves and the value we have placed on ourselves. Each of us has an infinite amount of love to offer another and the value of that love is priceless,
therefore, each of us is priceless and should be treated accordingly.
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Old 12-22-2009, 03:44 PM   #7
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I've become less and less trusting as the years and assholes I've "dated" have gone by. I use that term loosely b/c most of them (all but one) just wanted sex and not an actual dating relationship. Each one of them was a painful lesson that has added a new layer to the wall which now guards me. I hate that this has happened but I guess it's good b/c now I won't get hurt again...I hope.
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Old 12-22-2009, 03:52 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
...snip
The bigger question concerning trust is can you trust yourself? Can you trust that you can remain optimistic and forward thinking when someone betrays your trust. In the end, no matter how heinous, you cannot control what another person does, you can control your reaction.
I think this is a really good point. I have had my trust betrayed many times, and I always overcame it. Without a doubt the hardest betrayal to overcome was when I believed I had betrayed myself. When I no longer trusted my own decisions and my own instincts. I felt completely adrift. I second-guessed everything. Instead of chalking up a bad decision to just that, I stopped trusting my own judgment about what's best for me. It took me almost 8 years to undo that.

Trust to me does go hand in hand with forgiveness. So if I make a mistake, in order to not become distrustful of myself I have to forgive myself. Which is extremely hard to do, at least for me. When it comes to other people I have to make that decision. Do I forgive or don't I?

I don't ever put my trust in someone that I know I wouldn't be able to forgive, because people are just that - people. They make mistakes, they lie, they speak out of turn, etc. Someone that I can't forgive at the end of the day, is not a good person for me to trust because it will end up in this vicious cycle of betrayal and unforgiveness. I guess I feel this way because I don't like feeling like I can't forgive. It was a very bad habit that I used to have, holding grudges, and now I feel I'm free of it.

I don't know if any of this would make sense to anyone else. Even reading it now I'm thinking - that makes no sense, no one is going to understand this.

Maybe I think of trust like I think of gambling, never gamble more than you can afford to lose.

Or something. Okay I'm stopping now.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:54 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
If you have trouble trusting a new man, this makes you a smart cookie, IMO. After all, what is trust but the ability to predict, with reasonable accuracy, how someone will act in a given situation? You can't really trust someone until you know him/her fairly well. In the meantime, if you agree to cosign on a loan for somebody you've known for a whole hour, that's not trusting -- that's gambling.
I totally agree. It's good sense not to trust too much when someone is "new". Just wonder how much of my distrust is common sense or.....do I let fear "take the wheel and steer" me too often.
Perhaps I just spend too much time second guessing my instincts and the good sense God really did give me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
Trust is a function of time. It is foolish to trust too soon since you have no experience to base it on. The bigger question concerning trust is can you trust yourself? Can you trust that you can remain optimistic and forward thinking when someone betrays your trust. In the end, no matter how heinous, you cannot control what another person does, you can control your reaction. How are you going to behave when you have been betrayed? Is another person's betrayal going to constrict your options or are you going to remain positive in spite of betrayal.
Yes.....trusting myself is a big fear. Last guy I was with "long term" (2 years).....out of the frying pan and into the fire is how I sum up that fiasco.
How did that happen? Crikey...I certainly knew better.....what was wrong with me? Where did the numbness come from? I think I let myself get into something too soon.....didn't take enough "me time".
Me time is important for everyone, methinks. We need time to heal instead of trying to prove how strong or resilient we are. It's okay to huddle and lick our wounds for a while. A hard learned lesson that one.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post
Keep your guard up since you really don't know him; he's new. With time and him acting like a good guy (not perfect though), hopefully your guard will go down, BUT if it doesn't, listen to that. Maybe there's something you're sensing, but not seeing that gives you a good reason to keep that guard up.

GEF.........I don't know........really, did you only have rainbows and waterfalls when you were alone, or were you having those just because you didn't have to worry about trusting another man and the potential of that trust being destroyed?
Mizz
I think I see rainbows when I'm "out" of a relationship more than any other time. As in.....I start looking at me and asking myself what I want to do with this time that isn't being devoted to another person. Wow.....it's kind of nice sometimes to have options for myself.
"Rainbows and Waterfalls" are probably my clouded minds colorful way of crying for freedom

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbri View Post
Truth, can be a two edged sword, truth can be reassuring but it can also hurt. Truth means there will be times the person we trust may tell us something we don't want to hear.

In any situation it is vitally important that we know ourselves. Not only know ourselves, but VALUE ourselves. We must understand what we hold to be the minimum required standards for how we should be treated and what we expect from others. We must have the courage and personal belief in ourselves, that when those standards have been broken by someone, we have the right to demand an apology or terminate the relationship. In other words, we must have trust in ourselves and the value we have placed on ourselves. Each of us has an infinite amount of love to offer another and the value of that love is priceless,
therefore, each of us is priceless and should be treated accordingly.
Yes truth hurts sometimes- but I also have used it as a passage way to better times so it only stings at the beginning sometimes

Valuing ourselves....I think that goes back to Katherine's point of "can you trust yourself". If we cannot see ourselves as holding value, how can anyone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Vickie View Post
Greenie, get outta my head! All of these threads you've started are all things I have struggled/still struggle with. Trust is one of the worst. Having been hurt so deeply by people who supposedly loved me and who were tasked with caring for me, it's almost impossible for me to trust. And then, when I do, and the inevitable disappointment happens (as much from my unreasonable expectations of human behavior as anything else), it starts that tape playing in my head, "See? People are untrustworthy. Why bother? You just get hurt...."

It's a struggle, definitely.

To answer your question, "trust" is the belief that what you're being told is true, and that the person in question is being honest about their feelings, about who they are, where they are, etc. I need to have as complete honesty as possible -- which doesn't mean telling me every stray thought but rather if you tell me something it'd better be true. This need for honesty has caused problems with my relationships with my husband, friends, and my kids (who as teens have a near biological imperative to lie). Lying to me is about the worst thing someone can do to me, and if I'm lied to it can take YEARS for me to get over it -- if ever. Even if it's a silly stupid lie about "nothing".
For me, it's a "pattern" I look for in the little lies....or forgotten things.....or promises made but never kept, etc. I take all those little things and sum them up as how this person sees/values me. I probably seem like a real nutcase when/if I get frustrated/angry over something that seems very small....but my mind is painting a very big portrait with all that information gathered over time.
Know what I hate most? When people don't listen to me. It drove me absolutely bat shit about my ex-husband. I could spend ten years telling him something. Then one day, he would come home from work and, in amazement, like he's just found some huge, life-changing epiphany, tell me something his co-worker said......and it's the same thing I just spent a decade telling him. He couldn't hear it until it came from someone else's mouth.
Wow....talk about feeling devalued. WTF did he have me around for anyway?

So yeah.....I'm sure people like to make that "little thing" out to be nothing.....but when all those little things are summed, they add up to something much more essential in a relationship, IMO.

Quote:
Originally Posted by indy500tchr View Post
I've become less and less trusting as the years and assholes I've "dated" have gone by. I use that term loosely b/c most of them (all but one) just wanted sex and not an actual dating relationship. Each one of them was a painful lesson that has added a new layer to the wall which now guards me. I hate that this has happened but I guess it's good b/c now I won't get hurt again...I hope.
I think your time will come. You have always been a friendly person and have always treated others here well, as far as I can tell.
I understand what you mean about those seeking to use you....I think that I could easily say that 24 out of 25 men that might hit on you only do so for sexual reasons (Or 9 out of 10 etc). Or that's been my own experiences with them....online or in reality. MOST just hit on you for sex......if that's all a woman wants, then great (that cock pic better be pristine fool! ). If you want something else, then just learn to get good at spotting and dropping the duds. It's disheartening and depressing, I do realize from personal experience. If a guy wants to talk to me about NOTHING BUT SEX, he's been "honest" enough for me to realize that is all he wants without having to even really say it.....so I act accordingly from there with that information.

Nothing wrong with sex.....but there is something wrong with a person just wanting to use you and pretending to want something else/more.

My personal favorites are the ones that act like their offer of free penis is a once in a lifetime bargain. I tend to let that devil in me have it's way with them


Quote:
Originally Posted by comaseason View Post
I think this is a really good point. I have had my trust betrayed many times, and I always overcame it. Without a doubt the hardest betrayal to overcome was when I believed I had betrayed myself. When I no longer trusted my own decisions and my own instincts. I felt completely adrift. I second-guessed everything. Instead of chalking up a bad decision to just that, I stopped trusting my own judgment about what's best for me. It took me almost 8 years to undo that.

Trust to me does go hand in hand with forgiveness. So if I make a mistake, in order to not become distrustful of myself I have to forgive myself. Which is extremely hard to do, at least for me. When it comes to other people I have to make that decision. Do I forgive or don't I?

I don't ever put my trust in someone that I know I wouldn't be able to forgive, because people are just that - people. They make mistakes, they lie, they speak out of turn, etc. Someone that I can't forgive at the end of the day, is not a good person for me to trust because it will end up in this vicious cycle of betrayal and unforgiveness. I guess I feel this way because I don't like feeling like I can't forgive. It was a very bad habit that I used to have, holding grudges, and now I feel I'm free of it.

I don't know if any of this would make sense to anyone else. Even reading it now I'm thinking - that makes no sense, no one is going to understand this.

Maybe I think of trust like I think of gambling, never gamble more than you can afford to lose.

Or something. Okay I'm stopping now.
This was excellent and spot on, IMO
Back last January....I had a self-realization/epiphany of sorts about forgiveness. I have spent years attempting "recovery" from addiction. Part of it is letting go of the past....part of letting go of the past is forgiving so you can move on. It occurred to me one day....as I was wondering what I did wrong.....who hadn't I forgiven? Had I not done it right? Did I need to do it again and ....... bam!
I had forgotten one person.....the most important person actually, I can see now.....myself.
I cannot let go of it all if I don't forgive myself for my own past mistakes/transgressions right along with the rest of them.
After giving myself permission to let it all go, to stop indicting myself at every opportunity, to just "be"....and all that it means to "be".....my life got easier/brighter/fuller......marvelous.
I still have my down moments....but it's okay. Those moments have shrunk into the "normal" limits......I have learned how to set boundaries for others around me....without having to engage into a fight/confrontation of some sort....and I have learned how to be "like the other people in the world" sometimes.
It was easier than I thought.....growing up is kind of nice.
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It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

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Old 12-23-2009, 07:11 AM   #10
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Great question GEF.
I think that for me its been a process. Growing up I was a real doormat and was a consumate people pleaser to be liked. You can well imagine how many times my trust was broken over the years. What I have learned is a saying that Maya Angelou stated "when people show you who they are the first time-beleive them" that I take very much to heart.


I have been told and believe I am a very good friend. If I extend myself to someone and they do not treat me as they should then its time for them to make an exit from my life, or at the very least move to the outer circle of people in my life. I have no time for people who play games and use people and when I find a person I am hanging with is doing that I say buh bye. People who want me to stay as their vision of me, or cannot accept my decisions in life also move from the inner circle. I have a very tight knit close group of friends that I know I can trust. I have shared with them things that could have serious impacts on my life and they all keep it inside. As I do for them.
As far as guys I never trusted them as I have mentioned before I was the butt of dating jokes, dares, and being asked out cause they figured the fat girl was "easy" . I perhaps had 4 boyfriends before I met my husband. ANd just before him I was dating a guy who used to be a friend who dropped me in November and married someone else in January. Something in me told me not to sleep with him and sooo glad I didn't! Then my husband who was also a friend came along and started to make his move. He was interested but knew I was hurting, didn't want to ruin a friendship and was painfully shy. He basically didn't give up despite me turning him down, inviting friends to show up on our dates(he thought he had a harem for a bit) and testing him on many levels. Has the relationship been perfect? Hell no! He has betrayed my trust a couple of times in the relationship of 24 years now. Hubby had a serious spending addiction and sometimes I felt I was the only adult in the family. I seriously considered leaving a couple of times. But each time we went to counselling and worked on building that back up and he would work to regain that trust. To me that is what allowed me to trust him again. He is not perfect and neither am I, but there comes a time where you will be able to list the good traits against the things that make you suspect. And if there are enough good or safe things you can begin to invest little by little. I wish you luck with that, cause you deserve it!
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Old 12-25-2009, 08:06 AM   #11
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One lesson I learned the hard way:

Don't base your opinion on how trustworthy somebody is by what other people say about them. Go with your gut feeling and your past experiences with that person. The one giving the advice might have had a bad experience with that person, or they might be subconsciously transferring their own trust issues onto your situation.

People can get into your mind and plant little seeds of doubt without you even realizing it. Over time, they can make those little seeds of doubt grow into something that has the potential to undermine your trust in somebody. Even friends you feel have your best interest at heart can do this to you, and because you trust *them*, you might not even realize it until they have done such a number on your mind that you don't know who to trust anymore.

I had a close friend who would do this to me and I didn't even realize that it was happening. I was having an extremely hard time trusting my boyfriend and it was really holding our relationship back and hurting his feelings. I had a falling out with that friend and once I stopped talking to her, the doubt and mistrust just faded away and I realized that all the things I had based my suspicions on were completely innocent and had been twisted around to put a completely different spin on them. I felt like such an idiot and it really gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that I had allowed her to do such a number on my mind without even realizing it.

Tracy
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Old 12-25-2009, 04:00 PM   #12
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I think I may be the queen of trust issues.

Someone who was as close to me as a sister (or so I thought) completely betrayed me and I've had a hard time letting people in since then. I just keep most people at arms length.

My best friend (I've known her for 20 years.) is the person I trust the most, but even then there are things I just don't share. I don't think she would ever purposely hurt me, but I just can't open up completely.

Over the past couple of years, I've made some progress and made some close friends, but it's not easy for me.
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Old 12-27-2009, 08:34 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Tracyarts View Post
One lesson I learned the hard way:

Don't base your opinion on how trustworthy somebody is by what other people say about them. Go with your gut feeling and your past experiences with that person. The one giving the advice might have had a bad experience with that person, or they might be subconsciously transferring their own trust issues onto your situation.

People can get into your mind and plant little seeds of doubt without you even realizing it. Over time, they can make those little seeds of doubt grow into something that has the potential to undermine your trust in somebody. Even friends you feel have your best interest at heart can do this to you, and because you trust *them*, you might not even realize it until they have done such a number on your mind that you don't know who to trust anymore.

I had a close friend who would do this to me and I didn't even realize that it was happening. I was having an extremely hard time trusting my boyfriend and it was really holding our relationship back and hurting his feelings. I had a falling out with that friend and once I stopped talking to her, the doubt and mistrust just faded away and I realized that all the things I had based my suspicions on were completely innocent and had been twisted around to put a completely different spin on them. I felt like such an idiot and it really gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that I had allowed her to do such a number on my mind without even realizing it.

Tracy
Or could it be that he showed you how trustworthy he was AFTER the falling out with your friend? Because he was the one there giving you support in your time of need/hurt?
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:39 PM   #14
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My trust issues go back so far that I can not remember living without them..There is no one I trust 100%,never have and probably never will..My issues came from my abusive Father and have grown over the years..That is probably why no one in my life knows the real deep down me,why I wont let it show because I never wanted to be betrayed by someone again...
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Old 12-28-2009, 10:44 AM   #15
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I recently had the thought of how people in my past have used their illnesses/conditions as excuses for not treating me as they should have, sometimes. That leads me to the question of why do I keep ending up with sick people? The answer is obvious to me.....but how can I find a balance of "understanding" and not letting myself be played?
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Old 12-28-2009, 11:38 AM   #16
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I recently had the thought of how people in my past have used their illnesses/conditions as excuses for not treating me as they should have, sometimes. That leads me to the question of why do I keep ending up with sick people? The answer is obvious to me.....but how can I find a balance of "understanding" and not letting myself be played?
Have boundaries. For example, I have 2 immediate family members that are both Bi-Polar, but I still have boundaries with them. Their condition does not dictate my boundaries. Obviously I can't expect things that are impossible for them not to do, but I have a base set of boundaries that no one crosses. If you cross it, you hear about it - and there are consequences. I don't care how mentally diseased you are, you don't touch me in anger. You don't steal from me. You don't "con" me into pulling your weight. Etc.

I used to be a non-confrontational person. But over time I've changed, mostly out of self-preservation. The thing to know is, there are a lot more conversations/confrontations with them than everyone else. So be it. Thems the breaks. Is it easy, no. There have been times when I let things slide because at the time it wasn't worth the fight - in the end I always regretted not staying true to a standard.

As for the question of why are you winding up with sick people by choice (relationships, friends, etc.) I've always been a big believer in choosing people who are "mirrors", particularly relationships with others that are difficult and full of conflict - but we just can't manage to pull ourselves away. By mirrors I mean they have key characteristics that you share in common and you need to see it reflected in someone else in order to deal with it in yourself. For example I once had a boyfriend who made it absolutely impossible for me to love him, stand-offish, withdrawn, etc. That was a trait that we shared in common, but I couldn't see it in myself until I was face to face with it in another person every day. I'm not suggesting that you are "attracted" in this aspect to their illness/condition, but perhaps something else? Do you lack compassion for yourself, and therefore put yourself in a position where you must supply it for others? Do you have ridiculously high standards for yourself and so you put yourself in a position where you must accept and be okay with the fact that people are human and inherently flawed... etc., etc.

Just a thought.
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Old 12-28-2009, 04:12 PM   #17
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Have boundaries. For example, I have 2 immediate family members that are both Bi-Polar, but I still have boundaries with them. Their condition does not dictate my boundaries. Obviously I can't expect things that are impossible for them not to do, but I have a base set of boundaries that no one crosses. If you cross it, you hear about it - and there are consequences. I don't care how mentally diseased you are, you don't touch me in anger. You don't steal from me. You don't "con" me into pulling your weight. Etc.

I used to be a non-confrontational person. But over time I've changed, mostly out of self-preservation. The thing to know is, there are a lot more conversations/confrontations with them than everyone else. So be it. Thems the breaks. Is it easy, no. There have been times when I let things slide because at the time it wasn't worth the fight - in the end I always regretted not staying true to a standard.

As for the question of why are you winding up with sick people by choice (relationships, friends, etc.) I've always been a big believer in choosing people who are "mirrors", particularly relationships with others that are difficult and full of conflict - but we just can't manage to pull ourselves away. By mirrors I mean they have key characteristics that you share in common and you need to see it reflected in someone else in order to deal with it in yourself. For example I once had a boyfriend who made it absolutely impossible for me to love him, stand-offish, withdrawn, etc. That was a trait that we shared in common, but I couldn't see it in myself until I was face to face with it in another person every day. I'm not suggesting that you are "attracted" in this aspect to their illness/condition, but perhaps something else? Do you lack compassion for yourself, and therefore put yourself in a position where you must supply it for others? Do you have ridiculously high standards for yourself and so you put yourself in a position where you must accept and be okay with the fact that people are human and inherently flawed... etc., etc.

Just a thought.
Yes....that boundary things....a very key part of happiness/self-worth I have discovered. I tend to end up with "sick people" because I grew up with a mentally ill mother. My older brother grew ill later on in his adulthood- he is the person that pretty much raised me in the many absentee times of my mother.
My mother stepped all over boundaries- still tries to. It's our greatest source of conflict in my adulthood. At some point, I had to make a conscious decision of "not caring" whether or not I offended/upset her because she will step/shit all over me without a care/thought/concern in the world about it.
It is hard to talk to her about such things.....she tends to go off on tangents of unrelated things as a way to deflect being called upon her BS behaviors.

The first person I sought counseling/therapy from pointed out that it was essential that I set boundaries with her as a way to "teach her" to "behave" out in the world because, as she ages, she will most likely need to seek care from outside providers. Her care will suffer if she is unaware of how to control herself. This is true....however, my mother seems to be know her boundaries much more out in the world than she does with her children.
Don't mean to sound whiny but my siblings would agree that she treats her animals better than her children.
My last counselor said that I needed to give her a break and consider her mental illness.....that ticked me off because it's her decision NOT to get treatment help for her condition/problems.....and it's everyone around her that pays the price.
I'm sure you can understand how hard it is for me not to hold past resentments for her close to me. It's hard to let go and "move forward" to building a better relationship with her when she tries to push my limits.
When she tries to "be nice"....then things improve between us. Not sure if this is because I "let my guard down" or "relax".....or if it's all simply up to her to improve our relationship. That sounds like a cop out to my own ears....so I keep trying.
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Old 12-31-2009, 04:05 AM   #18
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Share what is on your mind about trust. What is trust to you? How do you know when you can trust someone? What makes you distrust someone?
Experiences? Ideas? Desires?
I've been hurt quite bad in the past (and am still hung up on the fellow even though I shouldn't be), so I find it extremely difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable around a man who might be interested in me. I'm just cynical and bitter when it comes to relationships now and I really hate to date, so... I'm stuck in a rut I suppose. I have a nagging voice in the back of my head every time I'm with a guy and "flirting" with him that tells me to be careful and not get in too deep. By keeping my distance guys usually take it as a sign that I'm not interested or available and they just leave.

I suppose I'm waiting for the one who likes/loves me enough to stay and break through my barriers. I just don't know.

I know when to trust a person when I feel it in my gut. I am a huge believer in following one's emotions to wherever they lead and I always trust my intuition. It's never failed me and the more I pay attention to it, the more secure I become in my decisions.
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:09 AM   #19
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I've been hurt quite bad in the past (and am still hung up on the fellow even though I shouldn't be), so I find it extremely difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable around a man who might be interested in me. I'm just cynical and bitter when it comes to relationships now and I really hate to date, so... I'm stuck in a rut I suppose. I have a nagging voice in the back of my head every time I'm with a guy and "flirting" with him that tells me to be careful and not get in too deep. By keeping my distance guys usually take it as a sign that I'm not interested or available and they just leave.

I suppose I'm waiting for the one who likes/loves me enough to stay and break through my barriers. I just don't know.

I know when to trust a person when I feel it in my gut. I am a huge believer in following one's emotions to wherever they lead and I always trust my intuition. It's never failed me and the more I pay attention to it, the more secure I become in my decisions.

I think some distrust is "normal" and a survival instinct that kicks in after being hurt. Isn't it common sense/intelligent to be wary?
That being said, I'm the type of person that usually has something to prove to myself about being tough and rushes into a new relationship too fast.
We need time to heal....and I think your awareness of your pain is a good sign if it allows you time to recoop
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Old 12-31-2009, 07:50 PM   #20
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I think some distrust is "normal" and a survival instinct that kicks in after being hurt. Isn't it common sense/intelligent to be wary?
That being said, I'm the type of person that usually has something to prove to myself about being tough and rushes into a new relationship too fast.
We need time to heal....and I think your awareness of your pain is a good sign if it allows you time to recoop

Good answer, GEF. Usually I feel abnormal because of this. =)
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Old 01-05-2010, 04:30 AM   #21
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" Or could it be that he showed you how trustworthy he was AFTER the falling out with your friend? Because he was the one there giving you support in your time of need/hurt? "

Well, the trustworthiness was there all along in the back of my mind. My rational mind knew that he had never done anything to betray my trust. I was just constantly looking for proof and reassurance of it because of the mind games and emotional manipulation that woman used on me. She had never approved of my relationship with him and made it clear that she wanted me to break it off with him. But, we tend to trust our friends, especially ones like this woman who I had known for many years, so it took a long time to realize what she was doing. I assumed that she and I could just agree to disagree about him because she did seem to settle down and be less hostile about the relationship after a while and actually seemed to finally accept that it wasn't what she would choose for herself but it was what I wanted. Which is where I probably slipped up and let my guard down. But once I was rid of her, there was no more need for proof and reassurance of his trustworthiness because she was no longer there to push my buttons and plant those little seeds of doubt.

In all honesty, getting that woman out of my life was a weight off my shoulders and a huge relief. The friendship had turned toxic. There wasn't much sadness involved. It was more of a "ding dong the witch is dead" kind of feeling. After it was all said and done, he and I were able to really talk about how she manipulated me and how her own issues (she had a lot of problems, especially in her own relationship) were probably the reason why she acted the way she did.

The creepy part is that since we stopped talking she posts on an internet forum I belong to and will occasionally take a vicious pot-shot at this man and my relationship with him without calling me out directly. She will post these "I have a friend who..." type rants that are clearly aimed at me and that get very emotionally intense to the point where you can just sense the rage behind them. I guess she can't stand not having the last word? Who knows... It's just more proof of where her mind is at.

The whole situation was just yucky and a hard lesson to learn about trusting people just because they are long-term friends.

Tracy
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Old 01-05-2010, 05:10 PM   #22
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Tracy...."With friends like these, Who needs enemies?"


I know where you're coming from.....I have had some friendships that left me more wary the next go around.
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Old 01-05-2010, 05:47 PM   #23
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I keep coming into this thread and start to make a post, but nothing ever sounds right in my head let alone when I put it into words so I just end up leaving again. But I thought I would try and give it a go...

Even though it sounds odd, I get teary and quite churned up when I try and understand my feelings about trust.

Men are my greatest obstacle as far as trust is concerned, but there are women who I know should not be trusted either. I donít like that I am like this, but it is more of a self preservation mechanism I guess. Most people think I am fairly carefree and easy, and that is all good. But to trust anyone completely, means letting my guard down and that means exposure to getting hurt.

But one day, I would love to meet a man that I could do that with. Like free-falling...just let go and know that he would be there to catch me. I just donít know how to get to that place though
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Old 01-06-2010, 08:05 AM   #24
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I totally identified with your posting. I put up the walls, too. I think its okay to have the walls up cos anyone who cares enough about you will work around them--but when they do, give them a chance. You will take down a brick or two as your trust in them develops. I still have issues trusting anyone and am suspect of the least little bit of nicety (since every time some handsome guy has been nice to me, he's pretty much broken my heart). Its hard not to become bitter and jaded in regard to that. Its hard to open up to a new love when the last 5 times you did someone ripped you open and shredded your heart like the shreddy paper in a gift bag. Hopefully what you learn from it is what you DONT want from a lover/relationship/boyfriend/husband.

As I get older I have learned and come to realize that hurt happens. It happens to everyone. It happens when you trust, and when you don't--it happens when you have the walls up and when you don't (which kind of defeats the purpose of having walls up in the first place)...and it can strike you out of the blue when you think everything is wonderful and peachy and nothing can hurt you--but mostly I learned that to feel the pain from being hurt means that you are capable of great love, and I don't think that's all that bad of a thing to know.

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I've become less and less trusting as the years and assholes I've "dated" have gone by. I use that term loosely b/c most of them (all but one) just wanted sex and not an actual dating relationship. Each one of them was a painful lesson that has added a new layer to the wall which now guards me. I hate that this has happened but I guess it's good b/c now I won't get hurt again...I hope.
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Old 01-08-2010, 04:07 AM   #25
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I think that most women in general have trust issues. Some of us have more then others. I would like to know how one goes about resolving them. In past relationships, of all kinds, I have tried to be trusting and ended up getting hurt. So, right now, I have a wall that is so big and so deep, nothing will get through.
I also thought that when there was love, there would as be trust. I found out the hard that, that isn't true. The more in love I fell, the more he made me mistrust him. The one person, who told me that he loved me and would never hurt me, ended up doing more damage to my trust issues then I ever thought possible.
I have just started a new relationship with a man, who is also having trust issues. We are both afraid of putting any trust into the other. I wish I could find a way that he and I could work on it together. I am open to any ideas.
I don't know if he is Mr. Right but, I would like for both of us to try before we give up.
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