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Old 01-29-2010, 06:41 AM   #26
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Well I don't think hiding is a good idea, but for me sexual attraction does not trump mental connection. I'm willing to compromise in some case. That's how I personally interpret what you said.

At the very most (For me), physical attraction is 40% of the battle, and I've said many times that I'd gladly turn a girl down that is "Smoking" by my standards if we don't get along/don't click, and I'd gladly take someone that I might find "Fair" (Fair in the scale sense of fair, good, great, etc...) physically but I connect well with mentally. It's such a small factor for the grand scheme in my case.
There's of course nothing wrong with not agreeing with me though.
Right. There are just a huge number of variables ranging from how important fat is to attraction and then how important physical attraction is. Like it's easy to say somebody's wrong for hiding attraction to fat women, yet in some cases, aspects like compatible parenting ideas are more important and somebody feels it's a reasonable tradeoff. Perfect relationships just don't exist and it seems the mature thing to do to recognize that and figure out where you are able to compromise.
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Old 01-29-2010, 02:28 PM   #27
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We didn't date so much as think about dating. She had a great personality but had recently lost a huge about of weight. I didn't fit the bill because she was looking for some Hunky guy. I told her which I think messed with her mind slightly that I couldn't date her because I liked fat women.

But we got along really well. We went and watched Star Trek movies together. Eventually we both met other people and that was that.
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:14 AM   #28
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Right. There are just a huge number of variables ranging from how important fat is to attraction and then how important physical attraction is. Like it's easy to say somebody's wrong for hiding attraction to fat women, yet in some cases, aspects like compatible parenting ideas are more important and somebody feels it's a reasonable tradeoff. Perfect relationships just don't exist and it seems the mature thing to do to recognize that and figure out where you are able to compromise.
Parenting is very, very hard work. The most difficult and challening thing I've done so far and my kids are only 6 and 3, It is absolutely essential that you and your prospective mate totally click on parenting before getting married. Nothing else matters if the two of you can't form a strong parenting team. Unless of course, you choose not to have kids. Compatible money management values are #2. These are the top two stressors in all marriages -- kids and money.

Don't get me wrong. I do wish my wife were a SSBBW or even a BBW. But I thank God I found someone that partners well with me on parenting and money management.

But if you're only dating.... go for the physical attraction.

Last edited by James; 02-02-2010 at 07:23 PM.
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:29 AM   #29
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:49 PM   #30
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I'd like to see a poll done about how many FAs here are living their lives with BBWs. I'm beginning to sense there's quite a few FAs here that prefer to be FAs in fantasy or online but actually lead their lives with much smaller women. I just couldn't imagine there not being conflict with your BBW wife or girlfriend if you want to fullfill your weight gain fantasies with her, so it seems like the kind of lifestyle that's probably easier to live online than offline. I really believe if they have thin girlfriends, they may find that it's socially easier to deal with than having a 300 pound woman in their lives that they want to see get larger and lovelier. Some call it being in the closet, which it is, but it's also the secret fantasy life they're living here. I guess we all have them in one form or another.

You are freely mixing FA and feeder wants/desires there, and that's not accurate.

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I just couldn't imagine there not being conflict with your BBW wife or girlfriend if you want to fullfill your weight gain fantasies with her, so it seems like the kind of lifestyle that's probably easier to live online than offline.

Sure, if you're into feeding/gaining and haven't discussed that with your partner. However, if you're an FA with no particular interest in active gaining (maybe passive, over time, whatever) then where is the conflict?


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I really believe if they have thin girlfriends, they may find that it's socially easier to deal with than having a 300 pound woman in their lives that they want to see get larger and lovelier.

Again, maybe it's just thin vs 300lb partner and has nothing to do with potential gain. The terms FA and Feeder are not interchangeable. There is nothing wrong or better about either, to me, but you can't just assign the desires of one group to another willy nilly.


On your larger point, sure, would be interesting to see how many FAs are walking the walking instead of just talking the talk. My experiences are walking the walk, because I'm only involved with FAs and if I'm not part of their life, then I'm not in it.
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:23 PM   #31
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Parenting is very, very hard work. The most difficult and challening thing I've done so far and my kids are only 6 and 3, It is absolutely essential that you and your prospective mate totally click on parenting before getting married. Nothing else matters if the two of you can't form a strong parenting team. Unless of course, you choose not to have kids. Compatible money management values are #2. These are the top two stressors in all marriages -- kids and money.

Don't get me wrong. I do wish my wife were a SSBBW or even a BBW. But I thank God I found someone that partners well with me on parenting and money management.
If the situation were reversed, and your wife was asked what makes your partnership work ... and she answered that you're compatible on parenting and money management philosophies ... how would you feel about that? Wouldn't you want at least part of her answer to be that she loves you just as you are, and that you really turn her on sexually?

When I was in college, I dated (and eventually married) a man from another country. It afforded me the opportunity to meet and befriend people from many different cultures, not just his. One thing that I observed, many times, is that men who come from cultures that view marriage as more of a social contract than a romantic partnering (and in many cases, they also had very conflicted views of American/European women's sexuality) were very eager to bed us, but relationship material? Hell, a lot of them already had wives, or at least intended wives, patiently waiting for their Prince Charmings to finish school and return to them. Some were very honest about their intentions. Others ... weren't. Overall though, what bothered me the most was the dichotomy between their behaviors -- nailing anything with a vagina and a corresponding pulse -- and their dim views of the women who slept with them. You could drive a mack truck through the chasm.

I know that relationships are very complicated, and that most successful partnerships really have to encompass practical issues of compatibility. But I have to say, I would be devastated if I found out that this was all my husband felt for me -or- if I was the fat woman who was 'good enough' to fuck, but not actual marriage material. In fact, I don't even know which role would be more painful. I think that people who aren't true to themselves first ... can cause a lot of damage to others.

Last edited by James; 02-01-2010 at 02:53 AM.
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Old 01-30-2010, 11:15 PM   #32
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Parenting is very, very hard work. The most difficult and challening thing I've done so far and my kids are only 6 and 3, It is absolutely essential that you and your prospective mate totally click on parenting before getting married. Nothing else matters if the two of you can't form a strong parenting team. Unless of course, you choose not to have kids. Compatible money management values are #2. These are the top two stressors in all marriages -- kids and money.

Don't get me wrong. I do wish my wife were a SSBBW or even a BBW. But I thank God I found someone that partners well with me on parenting and money management.
You act like these are trade offs that are regularly being made in favor of physical attraction. That's not what FA's are doing. You're just trying to make yourself feel like a better person by creating these "choices". What you fail to understand is that most FA's never have to sacrifice compatibility in personal interactions in favor of a gorgeous fat body. The choices you seem to think we make? We don't. Because there are a lot of fat people out there. You think I'm going for physical attraction at something else's expense? I'm not. I'm sorry you thought that was something you had to do, but you were wrong. For want of a better phrase, you can have it all. You can have a partner you are fully attracted to. If you declined to look for that, don't expect me to applaud you for that decision. There is nothing noble or righteous about it. It was your decision to make, but spare me the sense of honor over it. There are fat people who are wonderful mothers and fathers and exceptionally sensible with their finances. And there are many FA's out there who are building rewarding relationships with them without being shamed into dismissing their desires.

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Old 01-30-2010, 11:24 PM   #33
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This is a question for all the male (or female) FA's who have dated thinner members of the opposite sex. Has you're preference for fatness ever put a strain on your relationship? Did he/she feel insecure because of their body type after discovering your preference? I'm currently dating a girl who i believe is extremely beautiful, but sometimes she gets upset that i find bigger girls attractive. I'm sure this question has been asked multiple times on here but any stories/ advice would be greatly appreciated!
Yeah it has put a strain on the relationship because the person wants me to view them as a sexual object but it just doesnt happen and then they get mad because I can only view then as a friend. Then I get mad because I didn't realize I was dating them...

Edit....

Reality of raising kids and what not always trumps my sexual desires, hobbies, etc.
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Old 01-31-2010, 06:41 AM   #34
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You act like these are trade offs that are regularly being made in favor of physical attraction. That's not what FA's are doing. You're just trying to make yourself feel like a better person by creating these "choices". What you fail to understand is that most FA's never have to sacrifice compatibility in personal interactions in favor of a gorgeous fat body. The choices you seem to think we make? We don't. Because there are a lot of fat people out there. You think I'm going for physical attraction at something else's expense? I'm not. I'm sorry you thought that was something you had to do, but you were wrong. For want of a better phrase, you can have it all. You can have a partner you are fully attracted to. If you declined to look for that, don't expect me to applaud you for that decision. There is nothing noble or righteous about it. It was your decision to make, but spare me the sense of honor over it. There are fat people who are wonderful mothers and fathers and exceptionally sensible with their finances. And there are many FA's out there who are building rewarding relationships with them without being shamed into dismissing their desires.
These tradeoffs are regularly made. The only twist here is he happens to have a particular type that his wife doesn't fit. If he were not an FA but simply chose an average sized partner with the same parenting ideas over an average sized partner to whom he was physically attracted, this would not even be an issue. I think people do this all the time; in choosing a life partner they sometimes let the head rule the heart. Focusing on practical issues is really not so uncommon and maybe even not the worset of ideas, isn't that why arranged marriages may work? Because partners are matched with similar values and ideas. I honestly don't think there is a right or wrong here, just a matter of how important physical attraction is.
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Old 01-31-2010, 10:46 AM   #35
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All I have to say as the fat single mother of three children is.....I left my thin partner for his irresponsibility, among his other problems.

I also dumped the next thin guy for the same thing.

*I* am the main support and most stable person in my children's lives. The thin people around me....they have never carried the responsibilities I have.

My children- they are smart and wonderful and ALL will grow up to be very good people- I have no doubt in my mind about it.

I'm not a victim for it- I'm actually a BETTER person from it all.

Gee, just imagine....thin and fat people can be equally fucked up.....or strong and responsible.


Oh and I repped the hell out of name2come again
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:38 AM   #36
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All I have to say as the fat single mother of three children is.....I left my thin partner for his irresponsibility, among his other problems.

I also dumped the next thin guy for the same thing.

*I* am the main support and most stable person in my children's lives. The thin people around me....they have never carried the responsibilities I have.

My children- they are smart and wonderful and ALL will grow up to be very good people- I have no doubt in my mind about it.

I'm not a victim for it- I'm actually a BETTER person from it all.

Gee, just imagine....thin and fat people can be equally fucked up.....or strong and responsible.


Oh and I repped the hell out of name2come again
I'm glad you are the responsible one and that you care for your children. I respect that. God Bless You and may your strength never falter.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:45 AM   #37
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Disappointment? Of course. And this is why my nickname is "ImSoDead." If my wife found me here, it would be a HUGE fight and re-open all the old insecurities. But Dimensions is how I cope with the lack of heroic proportions on my wife's part.
That is exactly why I do not date thin or even normal sized women. I know my preference will not go away, no matter how perfect she might be on all other aspects. Don't you feel like you are denying an important part of your personality?

Personally, I would feel very bad if I was with smaller women and would need to come to dimensions to cope with my preference. I would feel as if I was cheating on her. And it would not even satisfy me, because I don't want to look at big women, I want to be with one!
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:08 PM   #38
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If the situation were reversed, and your wife was asked what makes your partnership work ... and she answered that you're compatible on parenting and money management philosophies ... how would you feel about that? Wouldn't you want at least part of her answer to be that she loves you just as you are, and that you really turn her on sexually?

When I was in college, I dated (and eventually married) a man from another country. It afforded me the opportunity to meet and befriend people from many different cultures, not just his. One thing that I observed, many times, is that men who come from cultures that view marriage as more of a social contract than a romantic partnering (and in many cases, they also had very conflicted views of American/European women's sexuality) were very eager to bed us, but relationship material? Hell, a lot of them already had wives, or at least intended wives, patiently waiting for their Prince Charmings to finish school and return to them. Some were very honest about their intentions. Others ... weren't. Overall though, what bothered me the most was the dichotomy between their behaviors -- nailing anything with a vagina and a corresponding pulse -- and their dim views of the women who slept with them. You could drive a mack truck through the chasm.

I know that relationships are very complicated, and that most successful partnerships really have to encompass practical issues of compatibility. But I have to say, I would be devastated if I found out that this was all my husband felt for me -or- if I was the fat woman who was 'good enough' to fuck, but not actual marriage material. In fact, I don't even know which role would be more painful. I think that people who aren't true to themselves first ... can cause a lot of damage to others.
Interesting questions TraciJo and I'll try to answer as best I can. In my case, I'm a BHM but my wife is not an FFA. We discussed our preferences before we got engaged. We got married because we fell in love with the person on the inside (of each other). We both agreed that what a person looks like less important to each of us than who that person is deep inside. We'll be celebrating our 9th anniversary this Friday. I can easily say that I love my wife more than I did when we first got married. I believe she would say the same. Thinking back to our courtship, we met online and communicated via telephone and email. We clicked immediately emotionally and intellectually. We fell in love before meeting each other in person. She's from another country and there were cultural obstacles for both of us to overcome and we did so. The really amazing thing to me is how effortlessly we connected emotionally and intellectually. Prior to meeting her, I had tried every avenue I could find to seek out a BBW for a LTR hopefully leading to marriage. Over the course of 20 years I managed to have some LTR that were wonderful but for a variety of reasons didn't work out. And the breakups were certainly painful. I agree with you that it hurts very deeply to discover that you can be a great partner in a relationship but not marriage material. I was in a very long term tempestuous on again/off again relationship that culminated in a proposal that was accepted but then broken off a couple of months later. I was devastated. I was an emotional wreck for a couple of years. It was only after I had worked through that breakup completely that I met my wife.

Oh and by the way, it is not fun at all to be a BHM where the in-laws are critical of my size. My late father-in-law made a loud public comment at our wedding about how the pyjama/kurta made me look "tubby." Whenever I look at my Indian wedding photos I'm always reminded of his comment.

In closing, I believe that two people can fall in love and be happily married solely because of who they are on the inside. But that doesn't mean the marriage is perfect nor does it change one of the other person's physical preferences. I fully support and encourage all single people to seek out partners whom they find attractive. Just be prepared for the fact that like in my case, the best marriage partner might not be your first physical choice.
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Old 02-03-2010, 10:42 AM   #39
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If the situation were reversed, and your wife was asked what makes your partnership work ... and she answered that you're compatible on parenting and money management philosophies ... how would you feel about that? Wouldn't you want at least part of her answer to be that she loves you just as you are, and that you really turn her on sexually?
Traci-Jo, I'm not going to go digging through old posts, but I'm pretty sure I've seen you argue that should our partner change dramatically, we should accept it, support them, etc....even if we were no longer especially sexually attracted to them. If I'm wrong about that and putting words into your mouth my apologies, but I do think I've seen you suggest this in the past.

Given which, how is that really different than this case? However they got there, this is where they are. Surely what matters is the love and respect and finding ways to manage their sexuality in non-damaging ways, rather than if they think the other is the hottest thing on two legs or not?

As for your specific question, I suspect most guys would nod and say "Yah, that's about what I figured." They might sigh a bit to have it confirmed, but most guys, IMO, don't have the illusion that they are all that much of a physical specimen or that their wives think they are especially hot....they are just happy that she's chosen to be with them for whatever combination of factors. (Granted, my friends and co-workers are generally in their thirties or forties and working desk jobs, so few of them are amazing physical specimens in the first place, and are perhaps old enough to have fewer illusions)
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Old 02-03-2010, 01:04 PM   #40
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Traci-Jo, I'm not going to go digging through old posts, but I'm pretty sure I've seen you argue that should our partner change dramatically, we should accept it, support them, etc....even if we were no longer especially sexually attracted to them. If I'm wrong about that and putting words into your mouth my apologies, but I do think I've seen you suggest this in the past.
Tad, that couldn't be further from how I actually feel. Personally ... I'd be horrified if my husband was just going through the motions and wasn't especially attracted to me. And if I no longer found him attractive, I'd leave him. He deserves better. And I deserve equal consideration. It would be a devastating blow for either one of us, but in the long run, it would be a kindness. People who are not happy together tend to make very unwise choices, and the result of those choices are -- in my opinion -- far more damaging than an honest "This isn't working" discussion. Here's where I may not have been clear: I think that when you really love someone, wholly and completely, your eyes are naturally more forgiving of changes that occur with aging/injury/illness, etc. That has been my experience. I can't speak for anyone else, but do admit to a bias in this area. I don't understand how people who fell in love with each other could, years later, lose that love because physical appearance has changed. That, to me, seems like one of the least important factors in how I judge my husband. Not saying that it isn't important ... just that there are so many reasons why I love my husband, and physical attraction is only one component of that. But it *is* a component -- otherwise, we'd be good friends with common values. He's a good husband, a wonderful father, a great provider, and he almost never complains ... and I find that just as much of a turn-on as his physical attributes. I think that other women will probably understand what I'm saying, even though I may not be doing the best job of explaining it.


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Given which, how is that really different than this case? However they got there, this is where they are. Surely what matters is the love and respect and finding ways to manage their sexuality in non-damaging ways, rather than if they think the other is the hottest thing on two legs or not?
So long as both are on the same page, sure. I read that OP comes here secretly, and knows that his wife would have a big problem with it if she knew. That's a huge red flag, to me. It tells me that they aren't operating on equal footing, because he's withholding a part of himself from her. A damn important part -- again, IMO. I don't know what would be worse ... the sense of being duped, years later, if/when I found out ... or the unease that comes with not knowing but still, on some level, knowing all the same. We can sense when someone we love completely doesn't have the same feelings for us, Tad. I'm not in OP's relationship, and I don't know how things work specifically between himself and his wife. Generally speaking, though ... I think you pegged it when you referred to managing sexuality in a NON-DAMAGING way. I asked the OP a "shoe on the other foot" question for a specific reason. I am not being intentionally disrespectful or overtly judgmental. I was honestly curious how he'd feel, and I'm glad that he chose to answer my question. Where we might differ is in defining 'non damaging'.


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As for your specific question, I suspect most guys would nod and say "Yah, that's about what I figured." They might sigh a bit to have it confirmed, but most guys, IMO, don't have the illusion that they are all that much of a physical specimen or that their wives think they are especially hot....they are just happy that she's chosen to be with them for whatever combination of factors. (Granted, my friends and co-workers are generally in their thirties or forties and working desk jobs, so few of them are amazing physical specimens in the first place, and are perhaps old enough to have fewer illusions)
That seems so cynical to me, Tad. I know that you are portraying it as a realist, as something that you feel is just ... what it is. It seems so clinical and detached to me, though. I hope that my husband doesn't feel this way. We seldom talk about matters of the heart. This reminds me that maybe we should, and I shouldn't just assume that he knows he rocks my world.
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Old 02-03-2010, 03:12 PM   #41
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I'm pretty sure I've seen you argue that should our partner change dramatically, we should accept it, support them, etc....even if we were no longer especially sexually attracted to them.
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Old 02-08-2010, 04:14 PM   #42
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That is exactly why I do not date thin or even normal sized women. I know my preference will not go away, no matter how perfect she might be on all other aspects. Don't you feel like you are denying an important part of your personality?

Personally, I would feel very bad if I was with smaller women and would need to come to dimensions to cope with my preference. I would feel as if I was cheating on her. And it would not even satisfy me, because I don't want to look at big women, I want to be with one!
I used to think that way before I met my wife. For myself, it turned out that who she is on the inside is much, much more important than who she is on the outside. It was similar for her. I'm a BHM but she's not an FFA. We were both in our mid to late 30s when we got married and decided that while we weren't perfect for each other we were a better fit than everyone else we had met up to that point. Neither of us wanted to spend the rest of our life waiting for the perfect person to show up. A married friend of mine had told me that sexual passion fades over time, so it is much more important to be passionate about the person on the inside rather than the outside. This is not to say it's true for everyone. It may not be. But it has been true for me. And I have no regrets. But just because I'm married doesn't mean I don't find other women attractive. And I know I'm not the only married man who visits the Paysite Forums. I read once that the largest consumer of Internet pr0n are men age 35-49. I don't know if it's true but I do fit that demographic.

I fully respect your opinions and am glad you shared. My life experience is just different.
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Old 02-08-2010, 04:49 PM   #43
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So long as both are on the same page, sure. I read that OP comes here secretly, and knows that his wife would have a big problem with it if she knew. That's a huge red flag, to me. It tells me that they aren't operating on equal footing, because he's withholding a part of himself from her. A damn important part -- again, IMO. I don't know what would be worse ... the sense of being duped, years later, if/when I found out ... or the unease that comes with not knowing but still, on some level, knowing all the same. We can sense when someone we love completely doesn't have the same feelings for us, Tad. I'm not in OP's relationship, and I don't know how things work specifically between himself and his wife. Generally speaking, though ... I think you pegged it when you referred to managing sexuality in a NON-DAMAGING way. I asked the OP a "shoe on the other foot" question for a specific reason. I am not being intentionally disrespectful or overtly judgmental. I was honestly curious how he'd feel, and I'm glad that he chose to answer my question. Where we might differ is in defining 'non damaging'.
Traci-Jo, are you referring to me? It looks like you are. If that's the case, I'd like to point out that I'm not the OP. I'm just a guy who shared his personal experience. The OP asked for personal stories/experiences and I shared.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever heard of a non-FA ever falling in love with and marrying a BBW? Or a non-FFA falling in love with and marrying a BHM? I understand that for you and your husband (and several others) that physical attraction is a very important part of the overall attraction. However, my wife, myself, and my others have fallen in love with and married people who were not their first choice for physical attractiveness. As I mentioned in my first response to you, I'm a BHM but my wife is not an FFA. And that my late father-in-law was publicly critical of my size. Both of us knew full well before I proposed that we were not the physical ideals of each other. And yet I proposed, she accepted, and we've been happily married for 9 years and blessed with two children. And yes we do have sexual intercourse with each other and not with anyone else. For myself, I would never leave my family just so that I can have sex with a larger woman. Ever since I decided to propose to my wife 10 years ago, I no longer considered the possibility that I could "do better." I don't for one minute believe that there is anyone out there who would be a better spouse for me or mother for our children than my wife. But that doesn't mean that I find her "totally hawt." Nor am I disappointed that she doesn't find me "totally hawt." I fully understand you and others have strong sexual attraction as a 'must-have' requirement in a spouse. I have no problem with that, and I can respect that. But it is not the case for my wife and myself.

I hope that you and others who post here on Dimensions can respect the fact that there are people who fall in love, raise families, and have great marriages in spite of a mismatch in size or sexual attractiveness. Beauty really can come in any size because true beauty comes from within and not from without. I believe this to be true because in my opinion, I'm married to the most truly beautiful woman in the entire world and wouldn't trade her for anyone. She just doesn't happen to be a BBW. And 9 years of marriage hasn't turned her into an FFA. Nor has 9 years of marriage stopped me from being an FA. And we're OK with it.
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Old 02-08-2010, 05:03 PM   #44
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I agree...that love usually changes preconceived notions of attraction and opens peoples eyes to something they might not have considered before.
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:23 PM   #45
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In the scheme of things... I've dated more thin men than I have fat men, although...
I've found that every thin man I've dated... ended up inadvertently putting on weight while they were with me.

I'm not much of a sexual person. I'm more interested in a mental connection rather than a physical one. But since most guys are more interested in a physical connection... I think they felt that if they put on weight, they'd get my physical attention. And I'll admit... sometimes it worked.

Before I begin dating someone, they always know that I am almost solely attracted to fat men, so they know what they are getting into when they ask me out. Maybe they think that they can change my mind, or that they will be the exception... but it always turns out that they put on weight. I never ask them to put on weight, and I never pressure them... it just happens.

So for me, it's much less stressful dating a fat man who loves his size. hehe.
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:52 PM   #46
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This is a question for all the male (or female) FA's who have dated thinner members of the opposite sex. Has you're preference for fatness ever put a strain on your relationship? Did he/she feel insecure because of their body type after discovering your preference? I'm currently dating a girl who i believe is extremely beautiful, but sometimes she gets upset that i find bigger girls attractive. I'm sure this question has been asked multiple times on here but any stories/ advice would be greatly appreciated!

I no longer date thin girls but I would not want a girl of any size who was overly insecure about getting fat, especially someone who had to count and recall the fat grams in every meal.
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Old 02-08-2010, 08:40 PM   #47
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Traci-Jo, are you referring to me? It looks like you are. If that's the case, I'd like to point out that I'm not the OP. I'm just a guy who shared his personal experience. The OP asked for personal stories/experiences and I shared.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever heard of a non-FA ever falling in love with and marrying a BBW? Or a non-FFA falling in love with and marrying a BHM? I understand that for you and your husband (and several others) that physical attraction is a very important part of the overall attraction. However, my wife, myself, and my others have fallen in love with and married people who were not their first choice for physical attractiveness. As I mentioned in my first response to you, I'm a BHM but my wife is not an FFA. And that my late father-in-law was publicly critical of my size. Both of us knew full well before I proposed that we were not the physical ideals of each other. And yet I proposed, she accepted, and we've been happily married for 9 years and blessed with two children. And yes we do have sexual intercourse with each other and not with anyone else. For myself, I would never leave my family just so that I can have sex with a larger woman. Ever since I decided to propose to my wife 10 years ago, I no longer considered the possibility that I could "do better." I don't for one minute believe that there is anyone out there who would be a better spouse for me or mother for our children than my wife. But that doesn't mean that I find her "totally hawt." Nor am I disappointed that she doesn't find me "totally hawt." I fully understand you and others have strong sexual attraction as a 'must-have' requirement in a spouse. I have no problem with that, and I can respect that. But it is not the case for my wife and myself.

I hope that you and others who post here on Dimensions can respect the fact that there are people who fall in love, raise families, and have great marriages in spite of a mismatch in size or sexual attractiveness. Beauty really can come in any size because true beauty comes from within and not from without. I believe this to be true because in my opinion, I'm married to the most truly beautiful woman in the entire world and wouldn't trade her for anyone. She just doesn't happen to be a BBW. And 9 years of marriage hasn't turned her into an FFA. Nor has 9 years of marriage stopped me from being an FA. And we're OK with it.
You're right, I was referring to your post. My apologies for the mix-up.

Much of what you say makes sense. It's not my reality; it's yours. I did want to clarify one thing: Although I find physical attraction to be very important, it's not the be-all-to-end-all for me, either. I wouldn't particularly like it if my husband gained a lot of weight, but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, either. For that matter, I couldn't see myself leaving him if he suffered an illness or injury that drastically altered his physical appearance. I love him for so much more than what he is. I do believe that love softens our perceptions of the physical. To *me*, my husband is extremely physically attractive. That may or may not be an 'objective' truth. But it is mine.

The reason that I commented on your initial posts in the first place was because you acknowledged that if your wife found out that you come here, it would cause a lot of problems. Also, I wondered what about your relationship separates it from the aspect of being good friends or roommates. You've clarified that part of it. I'm still left wondering, though: If both of you are on the same page, relationship-wise, then why the secrecy about coming here?
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:28 PM   #48
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I'm still left wondering, though: If both of you are on the same page, relationship-wise, then why the secrecy about coming here?
Because I have to keep my admiration of anyone else' beauty to myself. She gets jealous easily but not in a bad way. And she likes it if I express any jealousy, even in a semi-serious way. She wants to feel that she's the only one in the world that I find attractive. I don't mind indulging her in that. I want her to be happy. I'm sure you tell your husband some fibs or white lies to keep the marriage lubricated just like most couples. I know for a fact that my married guy friends don't want to know that their wives think Brad Pitt (or whoever People Magazine has picked) is hot. And that they don't dare let their wives know that they find Angelina Jolie hot. And most of my friends have a secret pr0n stash. I think that might be a fun topic for another thread -- the little secrets we keep from our spouses and the little lies we tell each other. I think we've all heard about how too much honesty can hurt a relationship.

Do you know of any married men who frequent the Paysite Forums that have wives that are OK with it? Or that belong to any paysites? How would you feel if you knew your husband belonged to some paysites? Would you want to know? Just curious.....
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:01 AM   #49
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Tad, that couldn't be further from how I actually feel.
OK, my apologies for mis-reading you, and thanks for clarifying!


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That seems so cynical to me, Tad. I know that you are portraying it as a realist, as something that you feel is just ... what it is. It seems so clinical and detached to me, though. I hope that my husband doesn't feel this way. We seldom talk about matters of the heart. This reminds me that maybe we should, and I shouldn't just assume that he knows he rocks my world.
Perhaps it is cynical, I don't know. I'm a big believer in romance, but I'm surely not "romantic" in my view on life/human nature. But go read "the hot boys thread" in the Lounge....how many of the posters are ever going to be with someone as 'hot' as posted about there? They may be in love with the partner they are with, they may prefer to be with their partner over anyone else, but it doesn't mean that they necessarily think their partner is the hottest thing on two legs.

Now, from what I've seen women tend to have love and lust more intertwined than do men (to make a gross generalization), so the love helps feed the lust and the lust helps feed the love, which all lines up with the other things you were saying. But that doesn't mean that you can't be crazy about your partner but still think his body is only moderately attractive, independent of all else that he is. (and on average I get the impression that women put less emphasis on the body itself over the whole package, even before knowing the person).

We shovel the walkway on Sunday morning, even knowing more snow is coming Sunday afternoon. We plant flowers that will die in the fall. We hold doors for perfect strangers, even if nobody has been holding doors for us. We sing when we are all alone. We pour milk into a glass even if nobody else will be drinking from that carton. Heck, we build sand castles below the high tide mark. We do lots of things not because we have to, or because there is a benefit to us, or that it will make some permanent change in the world.....but just because it feels right. Loving the one you are with feels right. It might not be forever, it might not be perfect, it may not be absolutely symmetrical.....but that doesn't make it any less precious, IMO.
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Old 02-09-2010, 11:15 AM   #50
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