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Old 01-18-2010, 09:35 AM   #1
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Default Advice to your younger queer self

Saw a thread like this on the bbw forum and though it would could be queered up a little!!

Old crusty queer people (ie. those over 30), If you could give some advice to your young queer self what would it be??
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:58 AM   #2
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My advice to wee queer me would be:

Don't compromise yourself eg. By sleeping with people you don't really want to, because you keep thinking "well maby i can make myself straighter" or because you think your mother would approve or because you have felt rejected and are looking for someone who will like you....
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND DON'T NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF!

If you lose friends because of your sexuality try not to worry so much, you will meet nicer more like minded people.. I mean who wants to be friends with a homophobe anyway?

Its ok to shave your legs btw, if you want to! (that goes to 15 yr old me)

hmm.. i'm sure i have a lot more advice to wee queer me but i need to think about it..
T.B.C
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:45 AM   #3
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I'd tell my younger queer self to not over-analyze it all, and to not worry too much about what other people think,. both straights and queers. There is no 'one' way to be queer, and queerness is not the result of pathology, so lighten up and enjoy it all.
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:01 PM   #4
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Good advice, Mer and Butch!

I would tell my younger self that the search for community and solidarity is really not everything. I have plenty of awesome gay male friends and straight friends, but I was unhappy for a long time because I really wanted to meet queer women who are just like me or at least, could relate to me in some way and didn't judge me for my unconventional preferences. I gave up the search and I am so much happier now. What matters is really having friends who accept you for who you are, regardless of their gender and orientation.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:12 AM   #5
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Aw, man, you guys. The other thread already made me cry enough
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Old 01-20-2010, 07:04 AM   #6
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"That fascination you feel towards J and K? It is a crush. You are attracted to some chubby and fat guys, and that is OK. You don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to--there are obviously plenty of young women you are attracted to as well--but it is OK to feel that way. Just don't take out your confusion on them, it isn't their fault."
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Old 01-20-2010, 11:55 AM   #7
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If you're "too gay" for someone, or "not gay enough," you should just tell them to fuck off and forget about them.

That would be my advice.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:06 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Melian View Post
If you're "too gay" for someone, or "not gay enough," you should just tell them to fuck off and forget about them.

That would be my advice.
Yes!!. Get them to fuck..
Also-You are not 'less gay' just because you have -long hair, wear dresses etc etc. That is a load of wank too! I actually had a woman come up to me in a gay club when i was 16 telling me she would cut my hair off and i didn't look like a dyke! The frights!
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Old 01-21-2010, 10:59 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
Yes!!. Get them to fuck..
Also-You are not 'less gay' just because you have -long hair, wear dresses etc etc. That is a load of wank too! I actually had a woman come up to me in a gay club when i was 16 telling me she would cut my hair off and i didn't look like a dyke! The frights!
Yeah....since I'm bi, I'm automatically "not gay enough," and I sometimes grow my hair out pretty long (then shave it off...repeat), often wear skirts/dresses, so that hasn't been cool with a lot of lesbians

And then super straight friends have disapproved of my "lifestyle," too. They've all been told off, at this point, but not nearly fast enough.
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:34 AM   #10
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Yeah....since I'm bi, I'm automatically "not gay enough," and I sometimes grow my hair out pretty long (then shave it off...repeat), often wear skirts/dresses, so that hasn't been cool with a lot of lesbians

And then super straight friends have disapproved of my "lifestyle," too. They've all been told off, at this point, but not nearly fast enough.
See, i have had this a little as i more or less have always been in relationships with women but have slept with guys. I had a friend drunk and angry yelling at me to 'admit' i was bi-sexual. haha.. i was like.. "ok.. i am i am........but i'm also a dyke". It was all too confusing for them.
I think if any straight women friends say you are too gay you should just shag their boyfriends! (lmao.. ok ..that last bit was a joke and not actual advice!)
I have never understood the 'not gay enough' shit. It seems very old school. The only concern i tend to have with people i am persuing is 'Are they me-sexual enough?' -I tend to find thats the only thing that actually matters anyway.
I dated a couple of women who were 'me-sexual' (not that their sexuality revolved around me.. but that they were 'straight' but made an exception.) I felt more flattered than insecure. .. Yeah, i don't get the whole 'You are not gay enough'. Maby it comes from a civil rights standpoint where the hardcore queers thought bi-sexuals would dilute the 'cause' somehow. Which of course is rediculous too..but perhaps thats where that thinking comes from. That or insecurity.
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Old 01-22-2010, 06:00 AM   #11
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I think if any straight women friends say you are too gay you should just shag their boyfriends! (lmao.. ok ..that last bit was a joke and not actual advice!)
DAMN. I need to learn to read entire sentences before running off and fornicating someone.

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Yeah, i don't get the whole 'You are not gay enough'. Maby it comes from a civil rights standpoint where the hardcore queers thought bi-sexuals would dilute the 'cause' somehow. Which of course is rediculous too..but perhaps thats where that thinking comes from. That or insecurity.
This is what I've always thought, too. It's completely illogical, but can't be ruled out. Then again, I've never thought of my sexuality as being a "cause." I've had the luxury of never being attacked, cursed at, humiliated, etc for it....but then again, neither have any of the stuck up twats who thought I was not gay enough. LOL. We were all children of the 80's/90's, and sexuality was not an issue.
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Old 01-22-2010, 06:19 AM   #12
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This is what I've always thought, too. It's completely illogical, but can't be ruled out. Then again, I've never thought of my sexuality as being a "cause." I've had the luxury of never being attacked, cursed at, humiliated, etc for it....but then again, neither have any of the stuck up twats who thought I was not gay enough. LOL. We were all children of the 80's/90's, and sexuality was not an issue.
Yeah. Mainly, i have just seen my sexuality as a part of my identity that i really enjoy. The few times i felt i had to fight politically on a large scale i have wanted my bi and straight pals to be fighting along side me. Human rights are human rights and i think its unwise to want to fight alone.
lmao-I realise that statement made it sound like i was running to be a member of parliment. I ment times when perhaps there was a clause which would scupper the equal rights of queer people and i had to march, protest or throw paint on stuff and people.
When i was younger i was attacked for being gay and i also had to watch my friend being really badly beaten which was just fucking horrible.. so i guess the personal is the political too, though i agree it is getting better in a lot of respects in that way. I think the media (god bless there bastard hearts) shows a lot more gay people which then normalises queerness and then simmian people dont want go 'uugh ..don't understand.. must hit!!'. Though, seriously, when i came out, tv over here just showed its first lesbian kiss on a soap and there was an outcry. I wanked.
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Old 01-24-2010, 10:26 PM   #13
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Dear Younger Queer Self,
It's okay to be different. Your mom is always going to be uncomfortable with your sexuality. Learn from your broken heart. Don't be angry. Last but not least, don't get drunk and sleep with boys.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:14 AM   #14
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Dear Younger Queer Self,
It's okay to be different. Your mom is always going to be uncomfortable with your sexuality. Learn from your broken heart. Don't be angry. Last but not least, don't get drunk and sleep with boys.
<3 Katie
Great advice Rudolf. Hmm..yeah, i would probably tell my younger self not to do so much of the latter too. Its a bit of a waste of time and generally makes you feel a bit shitty.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:00 PM   #15
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I'd also tell my previous self to not worry about being gay enough and the wonders of being queer and loving/lusting for who you love/lust - how simple it is!

I'd probably encourage my younger self to try harder to meet girls, so I wouldn't be stranded at age 30 without enough girl-sexin' street cred to feel boss-confident I can please someone. Ah, the perks of being a wildflower...
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:07 PM   #16
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I'd probably encourage my younger self to try harder to meet girls, so I wouldn't be stranded at age 30 without enough girl-sexin' street cred to feel boss-confident I can please someone. Ah, the perks of being a wildflower...
A wildflower is just as appealing as a boss-confident girl with street credit...
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:47 PM   #17
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A wildflower is just as appealing as a boss-confident girl with street credit...
Let's hope so!
ETA: Just noticed I typed wildflower instead of wallflower. Imma go with it!
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Old 01-26-2010, 07:03 PM   #18
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Let's hope so!
ETA: Just noticed I typed wildflower instead of wallflower. Imma go with it!
I was wondering about that! Wildflowers are usually the most beautiful.. also i have seen some pretty amazing wall flowers too that have turned a whole house green and broken through walls! Pretty amazing and wonderful and i suspect better than someone with "Boss confidence". Even though i'm not entirely sure what that is!
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Old 02-04-2010, 04:42 PM   #19
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Dear 17-year-old self:

It's ok. You aren't alone. The solution is difficult, but it's there. Don't give up.
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:52 PM   #20
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Dear younger self,

It's okay to like what you like. Don't feel as though you've got to "pick a gender and stick with it," unless you're in a committed relationship. Stick to yourself, though; there will always be people who think you're strange, because not only are you bi, but you dig fat people of both genders, and to 'normal' people, that's extra-weird. Don't ever think you're wired wrong or defective because of what you like. Stay confident in yourself and pursue those catches you missed because you were too scared or confused to do so. Oh, and pay more attention in Spanish and Drama classes. That hot SSBBW teacher will stop wearing spandex next year, and the hot SSBHM teacher goes off on some retreat and comes back all weird after summer.

That is all.

-B.
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:17 PM   #21
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Dear smaller but never really little Becky:

Your first g/f is going to be a liar in the pathological sense and your second g/f is going to be passive aggressive beyond belief. The first break up will cause you to avoid relationships for 4 years. The second will cause you to swear off women for nearly 8 years. Don't let this happen. The experiences are worth having but it is also important that you remember that their issues aren't tied to your love of women.

As Dar says, "I will not be afraid of women."

Also, your first LGBTIQ Parade (though you won't call it that at the time) is going to make you late to your high school graduation, but don't sweat it. Mr. Redacted will actually let you walk in with the Zs no matter what he says at rehearsal. Also remember that changing from combat boots into hose and heels is really hard on the bus. Oh, and that guy who offers to buy you a water during the parade, he's okay--you can let him buy you that water.

OOOHH and, lastly, that girl on the bus on the way to the Lucero show in 2003, she's hitting on you. When she asks you if she's seen you at Shirley's, she's not actually asking you that--she's just making sure you know that Shirley's is a lesbian bar. And when she asks what you're doing that night with that lilting smile, she doesn't want to know how obsessed you are with some band from Memphis. She's hitting on you, try not to be such a dipshit, because she's really cute.

Love,
The bigger, badder Becky
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:03 PM   #22
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I know I'm still a youngin to most around here, but...

Dear Young self:

It's okay to be different. Yeah, you didn't grow up in an accepting place, but someday when you're an adult, you'll meet someone great who will understand your differences than the norm, and will be just as quirky as you. They really do exist!

Oh, and congrats on beating the crap out of your father at 16 when he was being an asshole about gay people on tv. Your family respects your choices a lot more now, as well as those you choose to be friends with. And they also learned that their gaydars are broken. Because of your choice to fight tooth and nail for the respect of your friends (and in some odd way, a part of yourself) things will be easier as an adult.

In fact, your family will then become the ones to call for a ride to, and even sometimes from, places to meet up with your friends and even bring your friends along for the ride, too.

Yes... one day that fight you caused until there was blood would really be worth it. Not just as revenge on your father for the things he did, but for your own safety within your living space.

You've made a difference by being different. That's why people are open to you before anyone else. That's why you understand them all the time. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, etc. They're all part of you. And that's going to be okay.
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Old 09-30-2010, 05:14 PM   #23
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Recent events have had me thinking about this a lot lately... and all I think I really want to say to younger me is that you'll get through it. They suck, but people mean it when they say you won't have to deal with them after graduation. In fact, the only one that you'll have to see will be the one that makes your sandwich at Wawa and can't just call you "Dyke." The people that matter at a time like this? They'll still be your friends when you're 20. The other people won't mean anything. Kids back home might hear that you landed your first girlfriend, but no matter what they say you won't hear it. It's hard, but you can get past the name calling, and life will be so, so awesome when it's over. You're going to end up going to college with a TON of gay girls! Holla!
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:20 PM   #24
sowhat
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To me;

Don't hate where you grew up so much. As you get older you'll realize how great MI is. Oh, you can still hate the support groups though; the people are as self-centered and catty as you think. You'll get nothing out of it and not really want to be associated with such assholes (regardless of the fact they have a little bit in common with you).

Give dating a go. You will regret that you never attempted to be with anybody and that nobody would ever want to put up with you being trans. That girl you worked with that summer, you should've went out. She was cute, funny, confident and into you. Oh, and she was willing to be with you going through transition.

You shouldn't have kept hanging out with your friend Dan. He ends up telling you some of the most hurtful things you'll ever hear. And that's before you come out to him, and before you find out he raped his ex. His sister though, she'll end up being one of your best friends throughout life.

By all means, you should've transitioned in high school. You hated those chodes anyway and you would've been happier sooner. Oh, and your parents will end up being closer rather than drift away, so go for it! If you do, you should work really hard then rather than getting disphoric and paranoid enough to ace everything in college. Find another reason to have the drive.

Sincerely,
Future Me
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Old 12-28-2010, 09:46 PM   #25
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While I'm not over thirty (Twenty-six as of this June), there's a fair bit of advice I'd offer my younger self. Primarily, "Be patient." Coming out, seeking a relationship, rebounding... So many things I should have waited on. "Seek out the gay community earlier" would be a close second. And, of course, "Avoid crushes on straight/closeted guys. Down that path lies tragedy."
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