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Old 01-18-2010, 09:45 AM   #1
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Default Does anyone else have this problem???

I rarely meet anyone whom we have mutual chemistry and physical attraction. But, when I do, they always have some major character flaw that makes it impossible to be with them, but still, I stick around and try to make it work, hoping things will change, for fear I will never again find someone I'd find mutual chemistry.

Like, right now, I'm seeing this east indian guy whom I think is such a cutie pie, but to tell you the truth, he gets on my damn nerves!!! He's way to dominating and demanding of me. The other night he asks me if I would marry him if he were to ask. In my mind, I was thinking, "Child please!!! Hell to the NO!!" Can't imagine being married to someone who gets on my nerves as bad as he does!! But the physical attraction is definitely there between us.

I've met a lot of guys who were almost everything I wanted in a partner, except there was know chemistry on my side. I even date them longer hoping my feelings would change, but no. The father of my children was such a guy, but he became a monster. He was very abusive, had an untreated by choice mental disorder and was a drug user. When he became abusive towards me, that killed what little feelings I had for him. I had no business being in a relationship with him in the first place, since my feelings for him was not strong enough in the first place, but I decided to give a try, thought that maybe I was just being too picky. I was with him for 2 and 1/2 years. That was the longest I've been in a relationship.

With all this being said, I consider myself as not ever having a real boyfriend. And, as for me being bisexual, I've never had a girlfriend, either. I have never dated a woman for that matter. Which I would like to happen. I would like to be in a meaningul relationship with a woman. It has always been sex, , but it is harder to meet women. I think. I see a lot of women that I'm attracted to, but not sure if they are bisexual or lesbian. I'm in Alabama, right now, for petes sake. It is totally different her than in south florida.

I hope that I am making sense. Does anyone else have this problem?? Does anyone have any advise?? Anything to enlighten me or just any kind of comment???
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:24 AM   #2
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Hell yes and it's incredibly frustrating.

I usually get the ones that are general amazing and totally into me...oh wait, just kidding, because they totally aren't single, which basically butchers any kind of chemistry there was before.

OR...

the ones that are also generally awesome in every way but aren't very attractive, which is also de-chemistry-fying.

Oh well. I can always marry the cardboard version of that guy from White Collar.
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Old 01-18-2010, 04:34 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by calauria View Post
I rarely meet anyone whom we have mutual chemistry and physical attraction.
Yeah. I feel you on this.

Sometimes I think it's because guys who I have the most physical/sexual chemistry with are actually not the types of guys who would make the best long-term life partners, you know? Like, it's some of the very things that make things good on a physical level that make him not someone I'd want to have a real emotional, long-term committment to.

Coincidentally, some of my best physical experiences were with guys who are from that region of the world (India, Pakistan) - but I experienced some similar issues in terms of feeling bossed around or dominated in a way that was uncomfortable on a relational level.

Though, I do think that it's possible to find guys who are both. It's not common, but I have hope that it's possible. Here's hoping for both of us.
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Old 01-18-2010, 04:39 PM   #4
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I meet plenty of great guys with amazing personalities, very attractive, and I get along with. However, they don't seem to be attracted to me. That's my problem. I get sent to the "friend zone".
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:22 AM   #5
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I meet plenty of great guys with amazing personalities, very attractive, and I get along with. However, they don't seem to be attracted to me. That's my problem. I get sent to the "friend zone".
I get sent to this zone even by guys I have dated. <sigh>

I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm unwilling enough to tolerate deal-breakers AFTER getting to know them and like them. I'm only considering guys who at least minimally match my wants. THEN I'll consider them for a potential "more than friends" option. I keep hearing that this means you could miss out on a really great guy... and that's true... but I think, with my track record, that it's far more likely that I'll fall in love with a guy and know they're perfect for me in so many ways but for one relationally fatal way.
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Old 01-28-2010, 12:24 PM   #6
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I meet plenty of great guys with amazing personalities, very attractive, and I get along with. However, they don't seem to be attracted to me. That's my problem. I get sent to the "friend zone".

Same here.
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Old 01-28-2010, 12:40 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by calauria View Post
I rarely meet anyone whom we have mutual chemistry and physical attraction. But, when I do, they always have some major character flaw that makes it impossible to be with them, but still, I stick around and try to make it work, hoping things will change, for fear I will never again find someone I'd find mutual chemistry.

Like, right now, I'm seeing this east indian guy whom I think is such a cutie pie, but to tell you the truth, he gets on my damn nerves!!! He's way to dominating and demanding of me. The other night he asks me if I would marry him if he were to ask. In my mind, I was thinking, "Child please!!! Hell to the NO!!" Can't imagine being married to someone who gets on my nerves as bad as he does!! But the physical attraction is definitely there between us.

I've met a lot of guys who were almost everything I wanted in a partner, except there was know chemistry on my side. I even date them longer hoping my feelings would change, but no. The father of my children was such a guy, but he became a monster. He was very abusive, had an untreated by choice mental disorder and was a drug user. When he became abusive towards me, that killed what little feelings I had for him. I had no business being in a relationship with him in the first place, since my feelings for him was not strong enough in the first place, but I decided to give a try, thought that maybe I was just being too picky. I was with him for 2 and 1/2 years. That was the longest I've been in a relationship.

With all this being said, I consider myself as not ever having a real boyfriend. And, as for me being bisexual, I've never had a girlfriend, either. I have never dated a woman for that matter. Which I would like to happen. I would like to be in a meaningul relationship with a woman. It has always been sex, , but it is harder to meet women. I think. I see a lot of women that I'm attracted to, but not sure if they are bisexual or lesbian. I'm in Alabama, right now, for petes sake. It is totally different her than in south florida.

I hope that I am making sense. Does anyone else have this problem?? Does anyone have any advise?? Anything to enlighten me or just any kind of comment???
i feel you on this chica. I dont really have any advice other than tough it out. your partner is out there you just gotta be patient. i know its tough, god knows im in the same boat. stay strong sister youll find what youre looking for one day
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:38 AM   #8
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I've never met an actual man in real life who I have chemistry with. I really don't know why. Most guys bore me - I'm regularly left thinking: OMG please shut up or their really good to look at and I'd hit that in a second but have zero in common with them - hence the OMG please shut up Or they are totally into me and I'm left feeling terribly embarrassed and sad for them and for me because they really don't move me *sigh* I'd love to meet somebody I really like and really want and really just gel with who feels the same back. So I spose my answer is no - I don't have your problem although I'd honestly like to!
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:10 AM   #9
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I've never met an actual man in real life who I have chemistry with. I really don't know why. Most guys bore me - I'm regularly left thinking: OMG please shut up or their really good to look at and I'd hit that in a second but have zero in common with them - hence the OMG please shut up Or they are totally into me and I'm left feeling terribly embarrassed and sad for them and for me because they really don't move me *sigh* I'd love to meet somebody I really like and really want and really just gel with who feels the same back. So I spose my answer is no - I don't have your problem although I'd honestly like to!
Tau, I am recognizing a younger woman's syndrome as I was there once. Sometimes if we are too picky -it is more about us. We can be afraid of being close to someone and handle that fear by discounting the other.
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:12 AM   #10
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Yeah. I feel you on this.

Sometimes I think it's because guys who I have the most physical/sexual chemistry with are actually not the types of guys who would make the best long-term life partners, you know? Like, it's some of the very things that make things good on a physical level that make him not someone I'd want to have a real emotional, long-term committment to.

Coincidentally, some of my best physical experiences were with guys who are from that region of the world (India, Pakistan) - but I experienced some similar issues in terms of feeling bossed around or dominated in a way that was uncomfortable on a relational level.

Though, I do think that it's possible to find guys who are both. It's not common, but I have hope that it's possible. Here's hoping for both of us.
It is possible although I had to wait 40 years. Love is better the second time around.
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Old 01-29-2010, 02:18 PM   #11
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wow. Well, I've felt chemistry with LOTS of guys...most have not felt it in return, I suspect, and sometimes, the chemistry fades once I know them a bit better, but I've definitely felt someone in the brain and in the pants at the same time.
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Old 02-01-2010, 01:07 PM   #12
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Gah! YES! It sucks! There's always a "problem". Some major flaw that I just can't get past. Or if there ISN'T an issue, the issue ends up being a lack of chemistry.

I'm not one to only go with guys that give me that *zing*, ya know? I'll give anyone a shot once (provided they're not a double-bagger...), but there comes a point where some form of chemistry is necessary. There was a guy I met on Halloween who I had instant chemistry with. He has a girlfriend. DEAL BREAKER. If he's willing to go for me and cheat on her, he'd be willing to do the same to me...

Like the OP, I stayed with the mentally abusive father of my children longer than I should have and I really had no right to even start anything with him simply because he didn't "move" me...In fact, the bastard bored the hell out of me and then turned into a mental case (which he also refused to be treated for) but I was suffering from "Fat girl desperation" at the time and didn't think anyone else would ever want me. I had to settle. The hits my self-esteem took in those years of emotional imprisonment were incredible. The scars are still there, but fading. However, I did learn that I will never allow a man to do that to me again. I know I'm worth more than that!

I'm starting to realize that love is not romance-novel slop. It's something completely different. I don't need a *zing* in the pants to make me interested in a guy. I don't even need my heart to skip a beat. I just want to connect with someone who wants to connect with me. *shrug*
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Old 02-01-2010, 04:59 PM   #13
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oh yes. i have a friend who i definitely have LOT of chemistry with. he is a beautiful guy interesting and intelligent. the only problem is we have absolutely zero ability to communicate with each other and probably not much in common either. we always seem to draw the wrong conclusions about each other. we make each other nervous and always end up insulting the other somehow. so its probably best to just be friends. i have the feeling that going beyond friends would be torturous in so much lack of understanding. besides that i get the distinct feeling that he isn't really emotionally ready for a relationship. i think he thinks that he is and has good intentions but his actions always seem to point in a different directions. right now i'm really not interested in girl drama etc... anymore. i want a serious secure relationship with someone i can let down all of my walls with but the door has to be open to that.

i have great chemistry with the person i'm interested in right now and we communicate up a blue streak. our sensitivity quotient is about the same and we get each other. only problem is he is really far away. but at least i know he cares for me and we can talk about anything and i always feel loved. even if it doesn't work out i know somehow we will always be close because there is always a lot of mutual respect and care. its pretty unconditional and i like that. i especially like that even the things we don't understand about each other we try really hard to and eventually it seems to work itself out. i don't think i could ask for more than that. so it goes to show you that you can have chemistry and get along well. it can happen. not everyone is going to be clueless when it comes to your feelings.

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Old 03-05-2010, 11:40 PM   #14
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I have had the chemistry, had it fizzle and hoped it would all get better, even though we ended up more as friends than a relationship, now its over, it was only that I loved the person that I stayed, everytime I wanted to leave he would bait the it will get better hook ect, I know next time around, that I will not be staying if it gets to that stage, unless the guy wants to put the work into the relationship as well

It is hard, emotionally, physically and mentally draining to go through and I have no desire to do it again after the last two long term realtionships I have had, they both gave me my two favourite hobbies bear making and scrapbooking, and a much stronger core of inner strength to say no the next time something is not right, I will be my old self and speak up and try and discuss it and will not take a dont rock the boat as an answer, Am a big believer we learn from everything we do and that if you are smart you take those lessons forward, although when in love sometimes we overlook the warning signs

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Old 03-06-2010, 10:58 PM   #15
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My ex-boyfriend was my best friend for 4.5 years before we go together, I loved him from day one, and i thought there was chemistry between us, everyone else did too, just not him. When I was at my highest weight, he told me that he doesn't mind fat girls, but they've gotta have the boobs to go with the belly (mine aren't that big). When I lost a bit of weight, he decided to try a relationship, it only lasted a few days, but I'd never been so happy. Our friendship didn't last after that, but I still think he's the love of my life.

I'm now with a guy who loves me, but I'm not so attracted to myself. But I'd be very hard pressed to find a guy that would treat me better, so I suppose I've had my chance at happiness, now its time to settle for mr good enough
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Old 03-07-2010, 01:48 AM   #16
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[QUOTE=calauria;1366285]Like, right now, I'm seeing this east indian guy whom I think is such a cutie pie, but to tell you the truth, he gets on my damn nerves!!! He's way to dominating and demanding of me. The other night he asks me if I would marry him if he were to ask. In my mind, I was thinking, "Child please!!! Hell to the NO!!" Can't imagine being married to someone who gets on my nerves as bad as he does!! But the physical attraction is definitely there between us.

QUOTE]

LOL...that tickled me. I had a East Indian guy try to like me but I confused the hell out of him. He was hot and looked like something out of a Bollywood movie. Their social system is soooooo different than ours. I dated a guy from Iraq (or Iran...I get them confused) for a while but he was totally cool until I started to understand his language and realized he was avoiding a arranged marriage to woman that lived in Germany. I ended up breaking up with him and then he married her and divored her within 2 years.

Until Escapist, I usually kept my guy friends seperate from my lovers because I like to have my cake and eat it too. LOL..for the first few months I had a hard time deciding which category to place Escapist into. It wasn't until we moved in together that I finally accepted that he was indeed my boyfriend.. I think i have a problem with commi...commmit..commit...being in a serious relationship.
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:18 PM   #17
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Like, right now, I'm seeing this east indian guy whom I think is such a cutie pie, but to tell you the truth, he gets on my damn nerves!!! He's way to dominating and demanding of me. The other night he asks me if I would marry him if he were to ask. In my mind, I was thinking, "Child please!!! Hell to the NO!!" Can't imagine being married to someone who gets on my nerves as bad as he does!! But the physical attraction is definitely there between us.

QUOTE]

LOL...that tickled me. I had a East Indian guy try to like me but I confused the hell out of him. He was hot and looked like something out of a Bollywood movie. Their social system is soooooo different than ours. I dated a guy from Iraq (or Iran...I get them confused) for a while but he was totally cool until I started to understand his language and realized he was avoiding a arranged marriage to woman that lived in Germany. I ended up breaking up with him and then he married her and divored her within 2 years.

Until Escapist, I usually kept my guy friends seperate from my lovers because I like to have my cake and eat it too. LOL..for the first few months I had a hard time deciding which category to place Escapist into. It wasn't until we moved in together that I finally accepted that he was indeed my boyfriend.. I think i have a problem with commi...commmit..commit...being in a serious relationship.
OMG!! You are so like me!! LOL!! Since this guy is like uber dominant, controlling and over-bearing. I decided to play silly with him and act super, exaggerated "sista girl!" lol!! I did the whole rolling of the neck, putting the hand in his face, "talk to the hand" thing, all that!!! lol!! But, nothing phases on him, I could probably curse him out, upside down and sideways and it wouldn't even hurt his feelings..

Ok, so after clowning on him so, he planned another date, told me he was picking me up at 8:00, then added, "And, I don't want any BULLSHIT!" LOL!!
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:33 PM   #18
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chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!chicken legs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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LOL...that made me laugh out loud.

Idk, when it comes to the lovin, its peachy keen. But when it comes to the nuts and bolts of the relationship, they can't handle the freedom Amercian women have gotten used to....yet.
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secret turn on.....Genuine affection :)
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Old 03-10-2010, 05:59 AM   #19
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boys chase girls my darling. it is the way it has been since the dawn of time. the boys like the chase and the girl likes to be chased. it should be your basic rule of dating. he should always want you more than you want him.

the other way around will never work out. boys like to have to work for it. when they know you adore them they feel all secure and then they bore and wander. never good.

it does not hurt to flirt and let them know you are interested, but make them work for your affection.

as mentioned in another post, attraction happens in 2 levels. sexual and then underlying personality/mental attraction. if you have one without the other, move on. it is either just sex, or just mental. just sex will never last long and just mental is 'friend zone'. when you realize they don't have both, be strong and move on. you can't change people. it is like trying to take the stripes off a tiger. not gonna happen. i know you may not want to risk being alone, but it is better to leave yourself open to a better possibility.
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:24 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by calauria View Post
I rarely meet anyone whom we have mutual chemistry and physical attraction. But, when I do, they always have some major character flaw that makes it impossible to be with them, but still, I stick around and try to make it work, hoping things will change, for fear I will never again find someone I'd find mutual chemistry.

Like, right now, I'm seeing this east indian guy whom I think is such a cutie pie, but to tell you the truth, he gets on my damn nerves!!! He's way to dominating and demanding of me. The other night he asks me if I would marry him if he were to ask. In my mind, I was thinking, "Child please!!! Hell to the NO!!" Can't imagine being married to someone who gets on my nerves as bad as he does!! But the physical attraction is definitely there between us.

I've met a lot of guys who were almost everything I wanted in a partner, except there was know chemistry on my side. I even date them longer hoping my feelings would change, but no. The father of my children was such a guy, but he became a monster. He was very abusive, had an untreated by choice mental disorder and was a drug user. When he became abusive towards me, that killed what little feelings I had for him. I had no business being in a relationship with him in the first place, since my feelings for him was not strong enough in the first place, but I decided to give a try, thought that maybe I was just being too picky. I was with him for 2 and 1/2 years. That was the longest I've been in a relationship.

With all this being said, I consider myself as not ever having a real boyfriend. And, as for me being bisexual, I've never had a girlfriend, either. I have never dated a woman for that matter. Which I would like to happen. I would like to be in a meaningul relationship with a woman. It has always been sex, , but it is harder to meet women. I think. I see a lot of women that I'm attracted to, but not sure if they are bisexual or lesbian. I'm in Alabama, right now, for petes sake. It is totally different her than in south florida.

I hope that I am making sense. Does anyone else have this problem?? Does anyone have any advise?? Anything to enlighten me or just any kind of comment???
I can totally relate to this. I'm somewhat more brittle than you are in that I tend to have a low tolerance for people I can't tolerate. I often get flack for it but from my perspective, I'm better off to be miserable all by myself. I've done the whole, "Well, maybe I ought to give him the old college try. Who knows, he just might be 'the one.'," thing and it didn't work out well at all. When it became clear we weren't at all suited I would have to break things off. The guy invariably would want to know the reason, poised to get angry like I lead him on. People tend to get annoyed with you and feel as if their feelings are being trifled with. In some way I can't say I blame them. I'd be a little annoyed at being experimented with when I'm seriously smitten with someone. It's the risk you take in relationships in general I know but still, I can see the logic in a lesbian/bisexual person being annoyed with someone who is merely bicurious and just fooling around with them for example. I'm probably overthinking things a bit but the few experiences I've had with this have been unpleasant enough to where I think it's better all around to be more conservative.
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:33 AM   #21
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Default Does anyone else have this problem?

I'm not looking but I attract a lot of men who ordinarily aren't attracted to fat women. And while one or two could be written off as being closeted FA's, a lot of them were very honestly conflicted.

When I was single I used to occasionally give these guys a shot, but they could never come to terms with their attraction to me as if it was some sort of deviant behavior on their part. I was accused of being a witch, enchanting them, casting a spell. WTH?

One whom I wasn't even particularly fond of said he would marry me if I lost 100 lbs.

One had so much self-loathing over it that I dumped him because it was such a toxic situation. And I never wanted anyone to 'get past' my size and overlook it in order to love the 'real' me because THAT IS THE REAL ME--THE TOTAL HUGE AWESOME PACKAGE.
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