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Old 02-07-2010, 05:16 AM   #1
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Default Helping a parner lose weight?

Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
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Old 02-07-2010, 06:16 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
I've never helped it per se, but have and would encourage it if the guy wanted to. Of course i can't say if my attraction would still be there (by attraction i just mean sexual, not whether or not they have a good personality) but i've had it happen twice and one time i still was attracted and the other i was less attracted. I would have no conflict of interest at all because i believe in every single case what a person does with his body is his choice and not mine. My attraction should not even be a factor. I personally won't be turned on at all if somebody is sad or uncomfortable with his weight or if there are either obvious health problems of either a physical or emotional nature.
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Old 02-07-2010, 07:02 AM   #3
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I am not focussed on the whole weight gain thing. I have my body type preference, but within that preference, I don't have a problem with changes in weight, either direction. In any case, I find the relationship more enjoyable if my partner feels comfortable with her weight and prefer a smaller partner who feels comfortable over a bigger partner who is unhappy with her weight. Therefore I wouldn't mind helping my partner to loose some weight.

It's different if my partner would not want to be a BBW anymore. The love would still be there and because I love her, I would support her, but the sexual attraction would disappear.
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:42 PM   #4
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I would never encourage a partner to lose weight. However, I would also not sabotage a partner trying to lose weight and would help the partner lose weight if asked (assuming the partner is not anorexic and assuming the partner losing weight did not affect me having my six cookies before bed, etc.)
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Old 02-08-2010, 01:21 PM   #5
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I wouldn't encourage it, just out of the blue, because that would probably piss him off! However, if he wanted to lose weight for health reasons, eg. needed to control diabetic complications, I would do the best I could to help.
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Old 02-08-2010, 02:46 PM   #6
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I wouldn't encourage it, just out of the blue, because that would probably piss him off! However, if he wanted to lose weight for health reasons, eg. needed to control diabetic complications, I would do the best I could to help.
This exactly, or if he expressed a desire to lose. I am there right now, and doing this right now. He has expressed a desire to lose a bit, he is at a point where he isn't comfortable with his weight.

Being that we live together and 95% of the time I am the one in the kitchen, I do my best to make sure that whatever I'm making for dinner, or on the weekends other meals, coincides with the the meal-plan he has laid out for himself. (even when he's determined that he can do it on his own)
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Old 02-09-2010, 09:41 AM   #7
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Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
Yes, or at least been moderately supportive of her losing weight (I didn't pretend to be joyous about it, but I did try to make it clear that if that was what she wanted I would be fine with it, so long as she did it in a sane and healthy way. I took part in a number of lifestyle changes to help said sane and healthy way happen).

Quote:
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).

I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
In some very theoretical sense I'd say "Yes, of course I would." And as I wrote, I've supported my partner in losing weight.

However, between those two answers, there is a huge potential quagmire of partner's having different priorities, optimizing their lives for different things, and having different reference points and/or internalized definitions/expectations, not to mention the issue of the messages and meta-messages that we send when we suggest anything like this. It is all of that slippery footing that makes me hesitant to simply say "yes" in a broad sense.

What I guess I'd say is that if my partner was exhibiting behavior that I felt was unhealthy, I'd try to gently make my view on the topic known, and bring up alternatives. But ultimately it has to be their choice, and all that I'd generally feel comfortable with is trying to make clear what choice they seemed to be making, what alternate choices were, my preference on their choice, and assurance that they'd have my support in whatever difficulties making a different choice would entail.

Then again, one of my criteria for a relationship was always a good degree of sanity, self-awareness, and ability to care for oneself.
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:27 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
My girl has a health condition in which she needs to keep her weight down. She gains weight pretty easily and has gained fifteen pounds or so over the holidays. Saw her for the first time in a month last night, and she looks (and feels) great!

But I'm gonna be her principal cheerleader for hitting that WiiFit every day.

The weight gain thing is a fantasy, and the natural variations day in and day out are enough material for me. In truth, there are some things I like about her more thinner and more about her fatter. And that's better than fantasy.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:31 PM   #9
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I have not really HELPED a partner lose weight. I dated a BBW for 3 years and she didn't like her weight, she wanted to go to the gym. I didn't mind it, and encouraged it. But I soon grew to hate it. Not because she lost weight... but because she pretty much rubbed it in my face that she lost weight. That is uncalled for completely.

Nonetheless, I know plenty of big girls that lose weight due to health reasons. Which is great, I honestly prefer my friends that are big to be alive rather than huge and unhealthy.
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Old 02-09-2010, 11:20 PM   #10
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... Not in that sense. I would more than likely make a suggestion once, and then go from there, but it would have everything to do with how they are feeling and why they want to. Now if they were already trying to lose weight, curb smoking etc... then I'd definitely help with some stipulations e.g. what Spoony said.
I'll give two examples of friends that are trying right now. Both bbws.



1. One of my friends is trying to lose a drastic amount. She went in for an interview for WLS. I said "Good luck," and that's most I can give her because in the past she's said some very rude things about various people that in one case set us apart for months. I support what she wants to do because it's her choice, but she's not going to get much out of me in the support department period. Not because of the former (Interview). It's because of the latter and some other issues.

2. One of my friends is trying to lose about 50 pounds or so. She had a hard year, and she gained due to stress and inactivity. She does have a goal in mind, but she thinks her well being is more important than the number. She just started going to the gym, and has lost as of now ten pounds. Every step of the way I'm like "GO HEAD!" lol Even if she wanted to lose enough to become "Thin," I'd still support her.


It's more about the mind I'd say for me. If x friend lost a dramatic amount, and stayed very humble and kind towards people of all sizes for that matter, I more than likely would have no reason to oppose what they are doing. Likewise, if y friend lost even a little, and turned into some weight loss evangelical, I don't care how close a friend I am: If it continues, and I'm not comfortable, I've got no problem with dropping them like trash. But it goes both ways with weight so yea.

In general I just encourage healthy living for everyone.
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Old 02-10-2010, 05:18 PM   #11
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Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
no, i have not.

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If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight?
no, i would not under any circumstances.
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Old 02-10-2010, 07:57 PM   #12
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Why?

That's fucked, dude
Unless disconnectedsmile's coming at it from a perspective of "no, I would not encourage them to lose weight specifically, I would only encourage them to do things that improve their health, and I don't believe weight loss itself is an automatic fix for their health", yeah, yeah it is.

Could you explain, ds?
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Old 02-10-2010, 10:25 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
I always help my loved ones mentally, physically, and spiritually. When it comes to my partner its a given..otherwise you're really not partners. Plus, I go gaga over folks who would be huge regardless of how much fat is on their body..
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:23 AM   #14
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"no, I would not encourage them to lose weight specifically, I would only encourage them to do things that improve their health, and I don't believe weight loss itself is an automatic fix for their health"
this. this.
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:34 AM   #15
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Supposing the only option they had was to actively lose weight? What would you do then?
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:41 AM   #16
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Supposing the only option they had was to actively lose weight? What would you do then?
define "partner."
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:44 AM   #17
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Thank you. At least have the common decency to leave them so they can feel free and unpressured to lose weight if they wish, and you can go find somebody else with more room to grow.
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:51 AM   #18
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Thank you. At least have the common decency to leave them so they can feel free and unpressured to lose weight if they wish, and you can go find somebody else with more room to grow.
and that's what i'd do.
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:57 AM   #19
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this. this.
I think it's great that you are being honest, and no way am i gonna harsh on you fot it. I think this is one of those times where FA can get trapped into thinking they have to give the right answer and you *have to* say yes even if you don't feel that way. I said yes but i'm not a better FA or better person than you.

That having been said, I think it's important to say that in some cases, weight loss is the only answer for some problems. Somebody with foot pain, joint problems, or mobility problems may just need to carry around less weight in order to regain mobility and lessen pain. I don't like us to go to extremes from "you can be fat and fit" all the way to "Weight loss is never the answer and ANYTHING that is wrong can be fixed while she continues to weigh the same." Taking a hard line that weight loss is never the answer is the same thing as saying it's always the answer.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:00 AM   #20
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and that's what i'd do.
Would you then say that you're more attracted to weight and weight gain than the person?
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:09 AM   #21
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Would you then say that you're more attracted to weight and weight gain than the person?
The weight is one of the things that makes the person who they are. I view the person as the sum total of all their parts. A complete package.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:16 AM   #22
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And if they've developed feelings for you that have nothing to do with their attraction to you, what then? Sucks to be them?
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:25 AM   #23
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i understand my beliefs aren't exactly popular, but i don't need to be analyzed and prodded for information like an endangered species in a cage.

i wouldn’t help or encourage anyone to lose weight for any reason. i don’t need to say anything further.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:29 AM   #24
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You don't need to, no, but in the interests of me understanding what is or isn't potentially "wrong" with me as a FA (as it relates to others who might not be as crazy about their own fat as I am about it ), I'm asking out of curiosity.
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Old 02-11-2010, 02:54 PM   #25
Jay West Coast
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I don't know if my opinion will be popular either.

Basically, I think that as we mature we see more clearly the difference between the sexual dilemma in the relationship and the personal dilemma. Sexually, of course you'd prefer your partner to remain the size you enjoyed most. Beyond that, on a personal level, it'd really suck for your partner to be miserable.

As relationships deepen, this thing called "love" sometimes happens. In this kind of instance, the "personal" side often takes precedence over the "sexual" part. It might even creep into sexual side, wherein someone's *gasp* non-physical attributes actually turn you on.

This kind of relationship also has what's called "empathic concern," wherein you feel restless when the person you love is unwell. Your desire to see them well instead becomes a really big deal to you. In this scenario, your personal happiness revolves more around their well-being than it does around their physical characteristics.

Because you're so enthralled with the well-being of the person, if they needed to lose weight to be well, you'd rather see that than anything else. Ideally you'd have your cake and eat it too, but in certain scenarios fat loss *can* be a gain in the relationship.

In other words, fat might be the thing that first drew you into the relationship, but it shouldn't be the only thing keeping you there.
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