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Old 02-11-2010, 06:12 PM   #26
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If you'd leave someone for a simple change in appearance you're not really in love.
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Old 02-11-2010, 06:57 PM   #27
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Ok people: The thread is going off course. Calm it down a bit, ok? Thanks.
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Old 02-11-2010, 08:45 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
If you'd leave someone for a simple change in appearance you're not really in love.
Agreed totally. As Jay said, love is putting somebody else's well being first and not wanting them to experience any hardship or pain. If you don't care more about the other person's well being than your own turn on, it's not love in the slightest.
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Old 02-12-2010, 02:27 AM   #29
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Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
I haven't helped my ex-girlfriend to lose weight, but I have been supportive, taking her out and making her walk for long distance, to regain strength in her legs. She did a lot of sports before high school but had flat feet (of which she told me when she told me she was going to lose some weight). I thought the best thing for her to regain strength was walking.
Health comes in first place, no matter what. I prefer to have my partner thin(ner) but healthy than fatter but in bad health.
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Old 02-12-2010, 04:52 AM   #30
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never lived a similar situation...never helped my partner to lose or gain..
However think that if someone loves her partner will help her to stay well with her body.

But hope that my future partner will stay well with her curvy body!
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:08 AM   #31
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At the same time there is an effort to fight stereotypes about fat people (sick, dirty, lazy, etc.) there really needs to be an equal effort to fight stereotypes about weight loss, especially in this community. Just because some people have had negative experiences themselves or seen them in others does not mean that is the whole story. I also think some FAs can transer their own negative thoughts onto others, along the lines of thinking if somebody lost weight it must have been due to social pressure or that the weight will come back no matter what or that the process itself was miserable. I am also tired of this mindset that anyone who loses weight is aiming to be a size zero or does it unhealthfully. Many people who try to lose weight have ideas about increased mobility or health, not being a skeleton. I've known plenty of people who lost weight by buying an exercise bike or cutting out sodas and chips. In short:

- People want to lose weight for a variety of reasons that are quite understandable and should be respected. Their reasons may also be private and guessing them is rude.

- People are not always aiming for an unhealthy or abnormal size.

- People do not always attempt weight loss via starvation, excess exercise to the point of physical harm, or over restrictive diets.

- It's easy to say "diets don't work" but that does not mean "all efforts to lose weight via change in exercise and eating habits dont' work and don't last" People can and do maintain weight losses in healthy manners.

- Most important, people trying to lose weight are not necessarily miserable and don't necessarily despise their bodies. They may just be at a higher weight than they want and are taking reasonable steps to change it.
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Old 02-13-2010, 06:18 PM   #32
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If you'd leave someone for a simple change in appearance you're not really in love.
I like nutshell summations.....this is it. Why I always roll my eyes and balk a little about people that say they would leave a marriage/love affair over weight loss or gain.....

That's about control...not real love.

As far as answering the OP, I have had partners be supportive of my weight/lifestyle changes when I uptook them as a serious venture. (Not all my diets lasted or were successful...imagine that ).
I supported a partner that wanted to lose weight- he took up exercising with me....and lost 20 lbs very quickly with any other effort than that required(yeah....that was aggravating for me).
I truly doubt he would have been able to keep up the effort without the routine I had set up for myself and expanded to meet his needs, as well.
I also liked it when this same partner gained weight in times previous to this.....simply because I found him more physically attractive with "meat on his bones". However, if he was unhappy with his weight, it was his decision what HE felt most comfortable with.....I was there to love and support him....not manipulate or control him.
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:54 PM   #33
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I am, as usual, so pleased to see so many FA's thinking with the libido first and foremost. And that goes double for the FA's saying they WOULD help a partner lose weight. Because you're only looking at this through the spectrum of your physical desires, you think the only possible objection would be on the grounds of your sexual needs.

NO.

I wouldn't support a partner trying to lose weight. I know it won't help them, so if I care about them, of course I won't be supportive. Even if I believed every fat hostile thing on the planet, the fact remains that weight loss as a "treatment" fails almost always. To paraphrase Joy Nash, when something works less than 5% of the time, it doesn't work. I can't support something I feel is harmful, unproductive, and unattainable. I feel no guilt in wanting no part in that.
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:11 AM   #34
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I wouldn't support a partner trying to lose weight. I know it won't help them, so if I care about them, of course I won't be supportive. Even if I believed every fat hostile thing on the planet, the fact remains that weight loss as a "treatment" fails almost always. To paraphrase Joy Nash, when something works less than 5% of the time, it doesn't work. I can't support something I feel is harmful, unproductive, and unattainable. I feel no guilt in wanting no part in that.
Even though I don't entirely agree, I think you make a fair point.

Nuanced question though, would you help your partner to undertake a more healthy lifestyle? Like, not with the goal of weight loss in mind, but just to be more active, eat more fresh fruits/vegetables, etc etc etc?
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:48 AM   #35
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I don't think you're allowed to talk about this.
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:22 AM   #36
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I don't think you're allowed to talk about this.
Having a partner want to lose weight is a very common part of being an FA of either gender. This discussion is releveant to the experience of having a fat partner.

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I can't support something I feel is harmful, unproductive, and unattainable. I feel no guilt in wanting no part in that.
Way to oversimplify. Weight loss is not necessarily any of those things.
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:20 PM   #37
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Have you ever helped a partner lose weight?
If you noticed a partners weight gain was becoming detrimental to their well being, physical or emotional, would you encourage them to lose weight? (Perhaps in the case of a partner having an eating disorder would you encourage them to see a therapist).
I know there would be a conflict of interests in doing this and i have seen a lot of posts from 'Fas' being upset that their partner is losing weight and i wondered if anyone would actually encourage weight loss if they thought that it would be in thier partners best interests or if any one has had any experience of this?
I would encourage them to do what makes them feel happy, unless it was unhealthy. Then I would step in and discourage said behavior. If it comes to losing weight, I will state my own opinion, along the lines of "I love you the way you are.", but also state that I would support any decision they made, and nothing could change my love for them. If they're unhappy about their body, then I will support their change.
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:40 PM   #38
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I wouldn't support a partner trying to lose weight. I know it won't help them, so if I care about them, of course I won't be supportive. Even if I believed every fat hostile thing on the planet, the fact remains that weight loss as a "treatment" fails almost always. To paraphrase Joy Nash, when something works less than 5% of the time, it doesn't work. I can't support something I feel is harmful, unproductive, and unattainable. I feel no guilt in wanting no part in that.
I agree with you that certain diets with the overriding goal of weight loss are usually a complete failure, as they are unrealistic over the long term. But certain lifestyle changes which often result in weight loss are not, in my opinion, diets. Would you support someone's desire to make healthy food choices, and to adapt an eating style to encompass learning to eat until satisfied (and not stuffed full), whether or not any weight loss actually happened?
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:05 AM   #39
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I think at the end of the day you have to do what makes your partner happy because that's what love is. Sometimes its really difficult especially when you don't think losing weight will make them happier, in lots of cases it doesn't but if it is for their health also then you just have to think their might be a bit less to cuddle but at least you get to cuddle it for longer.

I'm not in a position where my partner is unhealthy because of his weight but sometimes he is unhappy with it or feels like he should be fitter. I support him to do both those things when he wants to because at the end of the day I might like the cute belly, love handles and the rounded behind but if he isn't happy then how can I be happy?

And even if you ultimately fail at a diet it doesn't mean it wasn't worth it at all, but yes most diets fail horribly
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:54 AM   #40
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When my ex decided he wanted to lose weight, I supported him. I wasn't very proactive about it, but he was doing something that made him happy, and I tried to reflect that positivity back to him. It's hard to not support someone you love when they're doing something that makes them proud of themselves.

Then he dumped me. But that gives me the freedom to sleep with fatter guys, so everybody wins.
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Old 02-16-2010, 12:52 PM   #41
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When confronted with his wife's announcement she was going to have WLS, an old friend of mine gulped as he liked her just the way she was, but fully supported her decision. So the WLS took place, he helped her through the recovery just to find himself served with divorce papers as his now much thinner wife had decided she wanted to catch up on lost opportunities and look for someone better than my friend. That was quite a blow for him but he recovered and has now been married for 15 years or so to a SSBBW who likes herself they way she is. The moral of the story? None, really. Things happen.
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Old 02-16-2010, 01:12 PM   #42
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Default Likely goes without saying but.

Commonality does not indicate causation.

The twin facts of weight loss and a relationship ending do not mean weight loss cause the breakup.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:04 PM   #43
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Commonality does not indicate causation.

The twin facts of weight loss and a relationship ending do not mean weight loss cause the breakup.
it doesn't mean it didn't cause the break-up, either.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:06 PM   #44
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When confronted with his wife's announcement she was going to have WLS, an old friend of mine gulped as he liked her just the way she was, but fully supported her decision. So the WLS took place, he helped her through the recovery just to find himself served with divorce papers as his now much thinner wife had decided she wanted to catch up on lost opportunities and look for someone better than my friend. That was quite a blow for him but he recovered and has now been married for 15 years or so to a SSBBW who likes herself they way she is. The moral of the story? None, really. Things happen.
Unless you were a fly on the wall within that marriage, you can't really know why the divorce took place. Perhaps he wasn't a good husband, and she only just found the strength to leave him? Unfortunately, many fat people do suffer from low self-esteem, and for those who are unhappy with their weight -- losing it can change them, and their perspectives, and all of a sudden they find that things that once were tolerable are now unbearable. I found my own way to that place, not through weight loss, but with the onset of maturity and a gained sense of perspective. Fortunately, my spouse made the journey with me (and he wasn't ever part of the problem in the first place).

At any rate, seems that things worked out for your friend, after all.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:08 PM   #45
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it doesn't mean it didn't cause the break-up, either.
Any relationship that breaks up over weight loss was going to break up anyway. If you can be split apart by something that superficial your relationship was not very strong to start with.

I hate to see this community just be bizarro world from the 'real world' and think fat is always good, weight loss is always bad, and it's totally reasonable to end a relationship if somebody loses weight.
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Old 02-16-2010, 05:31 PM   #46
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I have to say that I agree about the WLS thing.....she probably had ideas of leaving before the surgery ever took place. It was probably "part of a process" and just one of the ways she saw as "enabling herself" aka cutting dependency upon her spouse. Most people probably do spend a good bit of time making the decision to leave a marriage.......with many underlying factors involved. No one action would be the cause of a total relationship break-down....or that is my perception from my own past relationships anyway.
I usually start "rounding up the horses" myself when I decide it's time for leaving.....and take my time to do so to ensure it is the right decision.

Just my guess: She didn't want to leave him because she lost weight....she might have lost weight because she wanted to leave him.
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Old 02-16-2010, 06:20 PM   #47
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Deja vu, anyone? Oh look, it's the same old "true love is THIS and anything else is shallow" dogma... *sigh* love is not a policy statement, or a fortune cookie motto... ...I wonder if all the people who say you should support your lover no matter what they want to do: Would you enable them in the choice of 24/7 idleness? Or 365 day drinking? How about taking heroin? There's plenty of evidence that SOME forms/extents of weight loss are, indeed, harmful, sometimes fatal to you... (in contrast to HAES)... Why would you support someone you love in self destruction? ...
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Old 02-17-2010, 02:30 PM   #48
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Using heroin, binge drinking = eating healthier and exercising more.

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Old 02-17-2010, 02:34 PM   #49
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I think he said 'in contrast to HAES'... as in he is in full support of HAES. Is that right Jo?
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Old 02-17-2010, 02:39 PM   #50
thatgirl08
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thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!
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HAES is great. But sometimes weight loss is necessary. & no one on this thread has been advocating extreme dieting or weight loss pills.. everyone's mentioned eating better and exercising more.. so at the very least his argument isn't relevant to this thread.
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