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Old 02-07-2010, 01:39 PM   #1
Melian
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Default Choosing Sides: Regret

To all the bisexuals out there: once you have committed to a person, be it marriage, exclusive dating, etc, have you ever had feelings of regret in regards to your choice of gender?

For example, I married an excellent man and, despite the fact that we love each other enormously, communicate well, share interests and rarely fight, sometimes I still feel that maybe I would have been happier with a woman. There is no real reason (that I can detect) for this thought. Also, it's not purely sexual - I'm not just horny and wanting some woman in particular. Monogamous relationships with allowances for light play (not sex) with the occasional other partner are preferable for me, so I'm not just sad that I don't get to have sex with women anymore. It's kind of a yearning for the chance to have the same bond I have with my husband, but with a woman instead.

This feeling only appears every once in a while, but it hit me just recently and I'd rather talk about it than ignore it. Does anyone else experience something like this, to any degree? Has anyone ever acted on it and totally rearranged their life?

Oh, and I definitely don't mean for this thread to be a therapy session - just used a personal example to introduce the topic and draw out some comments/anecdotes.
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Old 02-07-2010, 01:57 PM   #2
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Definitely know what you are talking about. One of the most beautiful relationships I have ever had was with a woman. Strange to some mindsets, but to me it was just love pure and simple. There is a different dynamic, to be accepted and loved and desired by someone you feel that for as well, but that person is the same gender. It is touch and go, as anyone queer or quasi-queer knows there are many different view points out there. Not all gals are into other women in a romantic way. I can understand this in some ways. Before I met my ex-gf Lydia, I felt much the same way. She changed all that! I realized there ARE raunchy, fun, creative and sexy BBW out there. She was a special woman and I would love to find another woman to actually LOVE and be in a relationship with. Yes I am married but I am polyamorous and would love to find a special woman to share my heart with. Definitely get those cravings too.
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:50 AM   #3
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I can somewhat relate. I am attracted to women only, but I have been with a male (identifies as genderless) partner for 3 years. There is no sexual attraction, but we do love each other and have a wonderful relationship. However, I often feel like something is missing and I know that it is not about the lack of sex or kinky play since I don't have to connect sex with love, have a low sex drive and am free to gratify those needs elsewhere.

It is something I have thought about a lot, and the best explanation I came up with is that I am so into the "happily ever after" vision of myself and a hot, fat butch (or transguy) together. Everything else (fat femme, thin butches, MtFs, current male partner) just felt strange, and wrong even if the relationship is awesome otherwise. Like you said, I wish I could have the same bond I share with my partner with someone who actually fits my vision. I discuss this with my partner once in a while and his take on it is that I am just chasing an ideal that doesn't exist, and that if I did find it I will just start craving other things or get disillusioned because things aren't that peachy after all.

I have been tempted to leave my exes because of that strange longing, but I didn't get to do it because there were other more significant things going wrong in those relationships. Whenever I am single, I always tell myself to exclusively date "my type" but that has never worked out very well for a number of reasons, and I always end up falling for other people unexpectedly. In my current relationship, I don't actually want to leave my partner but sometimes I do regret not sticking to my plan and wonder how things would have turned out if I did.

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Old 02-18-2010, 09:22 AM   #4
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I am not in any position to comment really, but I totally understand what you girls are going through.

I have a friend who is going through the same thing, and I get the feeling that she sometimes regrets her current position, especially after getting to know me better. She is married and loves her husband, but she is also attracted to me. I could say that the feeling is mutual, but I strongly believe in the saying that what god brings together let no man pull asunder.

And I want to keep the friendship I have developed over the years with her and her husband.
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Old 02-18-2010, 12:52 PM   #5
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Honestly, no. I have very fond memories of the female and trans relationships I have had but there is something extremely special about my relationship with my husband that I haven't got from any other relationship. Maybe I am unusual in that but I don't still yearn for other gender company at all, aside from one or two very drunken kisses with some cute girls but that was all it was and I had no intention of taking it further. Maybe I'm lucky that my husband works hard to keep up communication and tends to my female neediness?
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Old 02-28-2010, 06:06 PM   #6
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I've had a couple of longer term relationships, both with guys and I have to say I get to a point where I do, think about women, and wanting to be with a women. I love my guy and has nothign to do with the relationship not being good enough with him, it's just different two different things for me.
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Old 03-02-2010, 02:22 PM   #7
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Excellent responses

strangeangel: I've got one of those "special" female friends, too. She's single, I'm not...we're obviously into each other and have been for a while, but we respect each other (and my husband) enough to remain platonic.

It can be tough at times, but I'm sure you know that.
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Old 03-03-2010, 01:25 AM   #8
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I don't do exclusivity. (Not just for its own sake, at any rate...)
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:25 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melian View Post
It can be tough at times, but I'm sure you know that.
Tough is just the tip of the iceberg really. We haven't done anything yet, but the sexual tension is definitely there now (it was non-existent when we were just friends before).

And now I'm so really tempted to just up and walk away.

It's like that Sleater-Kinney song, O2.

I wanna run away
I wanna get away
But I will never get up
Oh won't you help me up

I want to know
Why it hurts to stay
And hurts to go away
Will I be ok?


We've talked about it, and she's insisted she wants my friendship still and doesn't want me to go away.
But sometimes, I dunno.
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Old 03-03-2010, 12:44 PM   #10
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Strangey, I don't think you're obligated to be in a situation that you're uncomfortable with, regardless of what your friend wants.
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Old 06-23-2010, 05:38 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheekyjez View Post
Strangey, I don't think you're obligated to be in a situation that you're uncomfortable with, regardless of what your friend wants.
Just a little update on my last post 3 mths ago. 2 days ago I made the difficult decision of walking away from her - the friendship was starting to feel like a sham plus (can I say I couldn't help it?) my feelings for her were becoming more intense and stronger.

*cue sad Gypsy violinist*

As expected she was sorely disappointed with me, especially after having made me promise that I wouldn't fall for her any more than what she wanted us to be. All I could say was that I tried my best.

Her last words to me were that she would still be here for me when I decide to come back. But I'd like to think of it as an "if" rather than a "when".

I don't know. It feels a lot like a breakup even though it really isn't.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:12 PM   #12
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Well it is the end of a pseudo-relationship so I guess you can call that a breakup.

Feelings are pretty much impossible to predict or control. I don't think you should feel guilty about it at all - the friendship may be amazing and the sexual tension delicious, but ultimately your welfare comes first. Just try not to get stuck in the vicious on/off cycle and you should be okay.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:20 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cors View Post
Well it is the end of a pseudo-relationship so I guess you can call that a breakup.

Feelings are pretty much impossible to predict or control. I don't think you should feel guilty about it at all - the friendship may be amazing and the sexual tension delicious, but ultimately your welfare comes first. Just try not to get stuck in the vicious on/off cycle and you should be okay.
Thank you Cors.

Like you and I talked about this last night - you're probably right, she wasn't using me as a substitute for emotional support, and she probably does genuinely like me.

I just hope that eventually she will understand things from my perspective.
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Old 06-25-2010, 12:22 PM   #14
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Just to say, StrangeAngel, that if you imagined the same situation in a hetero-sexual situation, I'd think most people would support your decision.....so why should it be different for you?

Also sorry that you had to take that really hard decision. Also proud of you for realizing your own limits and working with them; I think it is real strength of character to do that.

Best wishes on getting your emotions back in tune, soon.

To the original topic, I think this feeling can happen to a lot of people, even without the bisexual factor. That you could be in more than one kind of relationship, which would be very different from one another. You make a choice, but at times that other (or one of the others) may just resonate with you so strongly, or you'll meet someone with whom you could imagine you'd be that way with. I think some people are mostly all one way and don't have to worry about this, but others.....could relate in very different ways.
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