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Old 02-14-2010, 06:48 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by TheDragonsPearl View Post
"Large and in charge!"

As a BBW who could be described as sexually aggressive I must admit cultivating this trait has worked out great for me!

Gals: Have you done the same?

This question is for the guys: When a woman looks at you, knows she wants you and *tastefully* makes it known, does this put you off? Or is it a relief that she has broken the ice? (No pun intended!) Maybe it makes you think she is just a down and dirty skank with nothing else to offer? Please share your thoughts!
I never understood guys who were bothered by this at all. It takes away the guesswork and a lot of the pressure. The "hunt" or someone being "a challenge" to bed does nothing for me. I want a "challenge," I'll try to do the New York Times crossword puzzle, figure out the NFL's quarterback rating system or why nobody asks a multi-tasking, involved-with-his-kids father how he "does it all."

And I never understood assuming her aggressiveness meant all the woman had on the ball was a willingness to satisfy her sex drive with someone they deemed worthy/up to to the job. So, women who were smart or funny or sweet put off getting their happy? Don't think so.

To me, it just means a woman also isn't afraid to put herself out there on the line and pursues her goals instead of waits for them to come to her. Both qualities I find sexy and good in a relationship partner.
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Old 02-14-2010, 07:00 AM   #52
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I like a woman thats large and in charge. Now whether a woman thats large and in charge desires and wants me, well thats a whole different topic.
Although I would once in my life actually get flowers though.
LOL. Many years ago, before essentials sucked up a greater percentage of my income, I was a flower buyin' fool. So when my sig. other asked what I wanted for Valentine's Day. I said, "I want YOU to go out and buy ME flowers. I want YOU to worry about whether or not they arrive at my office on time. I want YOU to pay the ridiculous markup on roses around this time of year."

I got the roses along with a "boy, they really do charge a lot for them around Valentine's Day, huh?"
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Old 02-14-2010, 08:53 AM   #53
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I don't think they'd freak out anymore than a fat woman would at hearing "you're too big for my taste." In other words, they'd probably just think that such an admission is inappropriate, when a simple, "I'm flattered, but no thanks" would do just as well.
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I could understand wanting to tell the truth tho cause that is something I used to do. Saying "Sorry you're not my type." Almost always never works. The person wants to know what your type is and then you have to justify yourself and blah blah blah. I've had to learn the hard way not to say that simply because I don't want to end up in an argument.

I don't know if maybe it's a gender thing either. I wonder if some thin women will assume that if a guy isn't interested he must be gay and just kinda leave it at that. I just assume that if a guy isn't interested it's because of my size and I leave it at that too. I'm not going to freak out about it, I'm just going to move on to someone else. I've been fat long enough to realize that is usually how it goes and such is life. If someone freaks out about being told they aren't someone's type then I dunno....Seems like a waste of time to me. Rejection hurts for sure, but I accept it and move on. I'd honestly be more upset if I knew I was his type but he still rejected me. Then I'd really want to know why, but asking probably would end up as a really uncomfortable conversation for the both of us. So either way I'd leave it alone.
Just to be clear I would never actually say out loud that a woman is too small. I've been approached by women who are clearly unaccustomed to rejection however. The "not into girls then?" reply does make it tempting to say "just not into bones". Conventionally attractive women can be very presumptuous, probably moreso when approaching a schlub like me. "Can I buy you a drink?" is pretty easy for a woman to say "no" to. "Buy me a drink" (as command or question) is a bit more awkward, especially if she doesn't often (ever) hear "no". I can't tell you how many times a simple "no thanks" or "I better pass tonight" has gotten me an "Asshole!" or "Cheap f^cking bastard!" retort. Reason # 37 I never go to bars alone.

I realize women in general probably have a much better win ratio in the aggressor mode than men but a little humility goes a long ways. Maybe this doesn't apply so much to big girls but nobody should take rejection so personally they fell compelled to overtly or covertly hurt or demean the rejector. Srsly, would you rather be lied to?
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:46 AM   #54
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I'm the type to say "thank you for the generous offer" and bail with some "polite" excuse. I wont' ever go into a list of "what is wrong" with a person that has asked me out or flirted. It will most likely hurt their feelings, I assume. Giving people an "out" usually works best in my own experiences.
Things like "I'm dating someone else now" or "I don't have time for dating right now" usually works.
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:13 PM   #55
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Just to be clear I would never actually say out loud that a woman is too small. I've been approached by women who are clearly unaccustomed to rejection however. The "not into girls then?" reply does make it tempting to say "just not into bones". Conventionally attractive women can be very presumptuous, probably moreso when approaching a schlub like me. "Can I buy you a drink?" is pretty easy for a woman to say "no" to. "Buy me a drink" (as command or question) is a bit more awkward, especially if she doesn't often (ever) hear "no". I can't tell you how many times a simple "no thanks" or "I better pass tonight" has gotten me an "Asshole!" or "Cheap f^cking bastard!" retort. Reason # 37 I never go to bars alone.

I realize women in general probably have a much better win ratio in the aggressor mode than men but a little humility goes a long ways. Maybe this doesn't apply so much to big girls but nobody should take rejection so personally they fell compelled to overtly or covertly hurt or demean the rejector. Srsly, would you rather be lied to?
It sucks that women would call you names if you say no, but then what woman would go up to a guy and demand he buy her a drink? That's just not classy. No woman should have to demand that. If she offered to buy you a drink, now that would be aggressive and cool. I say if a woman offers to buy you a drink, thank her for it and have a friendly chat. She'll figure out if there is no chemistry, and if she's classy she'll take the hint that you aren't interested without making a scene. I'm sure most guys know a drink is no guarantee that he will get a number or a date, and a women should understand that too if she offers.

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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
I'm the type to say "thank you for the generous offer" and bail with some "polite" excuse. I wont' ever go into a list of "what is wrong" with a person that has asked me out or flirted. It will most likely hurt their feelings, I assume. Giving people an "out" usually works best in my own experiences.
Things like "I'm dating someone else now" or "I don't have time for dating right now" usually works.
"Sorry, I have a boyfriend" never works when I say that. It just makes men more aggressive. Saying "Sorry, I'm only into girls" doesn't work either cause then they want to convince you to either give up girls or ask to watch . Since the guys who hit me up are almost always guys I pass on the street (and they wear uber baggy pants - yuk) I can say "I'm flattered but no thank you" and keep walking and hope they don't follow me or say some fat hating thing.
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:35 PM   #56
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OMG! Yes, there is definitely a CLEAR line between being classy and trashy. Going up and asking a man to buy you a drink is beyond trashy. Men are so used to the bitches that make demands of them in every facet of their life, I would imagine it would be a refresher to get the tables turned!

My funny story:

I met my husband at a mutual friends house. He walked in, and though I had several FWB's at the time, I took one look at him and was enchanted. There was this fine man, shaved head, well kept goatee and the eyes of the devil himself. Tight jeans, a fine ass and he smelled fantastically strange. (I would later find out this 'enchanting' smell was some type of sealant used at his work)

When he flashed me that million dollar smile for the first time, I was laying across the foot of our friends bed on my belly. He made a small comment about how my jeans looked nice on me and I invited him to give me a spank! When it came time to go, I gave him a grin and in front of a good number of his guy friends, I said, "You are coming home with me tonight." I don't think I had ever seen a guys ego get boosted so much in my life! I know for a fact several of the guys in that room were jealous of him!

As the relationship progressed, he was surprised that I did in fact buy him things as well. I did in fact take HIM out to dinner, or show up with party favors of my own when I came to spend the weekends with him at his apartment! And of course, he enjoyed this! When I bought us tickets to see George Carlin he was thrilled that a woman would do that for him.

I think there are some men who really enjoy spoiling a woman, and that is great! You know, there are a LOT of bad fish out there and I am of the opinion that male or female, a good person deserves to be treated as a treasure!

When a man is treating a woman with flowers, fine dining and thoughtful gifts...Doesn't he deserve the same in return????
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:49 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by TheDragonsPearl View Post
OMG! Yes, there is definitely a CLEAR line between being classy and trashy. Going up and asking a man to buy you a drink is beyond trashy. Men are so used to the bitches that make demands of them in every facet of their life, I would imagine it would be a refresher to get the tables turned!

My funny story:

I met my husband at a mutual friends house. He walked in, and though I had several FWB's at the time, I took one look at him and was enchanted. There was this fine man, shaved head, well kept goatee and the eyes of the devil himself. Tight jeans, a fine ass and he smelled fantastically strange. (I would later find out this 'enchanting' smell was some type of sealant used at his work)

When he flashed me that million dollar smile for the first time, I was laying across the foot of our friends bed on my belly. He made a small comment about how my jeans looked nice on me and I invited him to give me a spank! When it came time to go, I gave him a grin and in front of a good number of his guy friends, I said, "You are coming home with me tonight." I don't think I had ever seen a guys ego get boosted so much in my life! I know for a fact several of the guys in that room were jealous of him!

As the relationship progressed, he was surprised that I did in fact buy him things as well. I did in fact take HIM out to dinner, or show up with party favors of my own when I came to spend the weekends with him at his apartment! And of course, he enjoyed this! When I bought us tickets to see George Carlin he was thrilled that a woman would do that for him.

I think there are some men who really enjoy spoiling a woman, and that is great! You know, there are a LOT of bad fish out there and I am of the opinion that male or female, a good person deserves to be treated as a treasure!

When a man is treating a woman with flowers, fine dining and thoughtful gifts...Doesn't he deserve the same in return????
That's a really wonderful sentiment. That is true. Also, you guys are so lucky to have seen George Carlin perform in concert.
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:05 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by TheDragonsPearl View Post
OMG! Yes, there is definitely a CLEAR line between being classy and trashy. Going up and asking a man to buy you a drink is beyond trashy. Men are so used to the bitches that make demands of them in every facet of their life, I would imagine it would be a refresher to get the tables turned!

My funny story:

I met my husband at a mutual friends house. He walked in, and though I had several FWB's at the time, I took one look at him and was enchanted. There was this fine man, shaved head, well kept goatee and the eyes of the devil himself. Tight jeans, a fine ass and he smelled fantastically strange. (I would later find out this 'enchanting' smell was some type of sealant used at his work)

When he flashed me that million dollar smile for the first time, I was laying across the foot of our friends bed on my belly. He made a small comment about how my jeans looked nice on me and I invited him to give me a spank! When it came time to go, I gave him a grin and in front of a good number of his guy friends, I said, "You are coming home with me tonight." I don't think I had ever seen a guys ego get boosted so much in my life! I know for a fact several of the guys in that room were jealous of him!

As the relationship progressed, he was surprised that I did in fact buy him things as well. I did in fact take HIM out to dinner, or show up with party favors of my own when I came to spend the weekends with him at his apartment! And of course, he enjoyed this! When I bought us tickets to see George Carlin he was thrilled that a woman would do that for him.

I think there are some men who really enjoy spoiling a woman, and that is great! You know, there are a LOT of bad fish out there and I am of the opinion that male or female, a good person deserves to be treated as a treasure!

When a man is treating a woman with flowers, fine dining and thoughtful gifts...Doesn't he deserve the same in return????
Absolutely. I feel that whoever is doing the hunting should take charge and well, be the hunter. Set up the dates, buy the treats, and try to impress the prey.

I've been watching the Millionaire Matchmaker and I definitely like a lot of the things Patti says about dating. I agree with a lot of it.
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:30 PM   #59
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Originally Posted by TheDragonsPearl View Post
OMG! Yes, there is definitely a CLEAR line between being classy and trashy. Going up and asking a man to buy you a drink is beyond trashy. Men are so used to the bitches that make demands of them in every facet of their life, I would imagine it would be a refresher to get the tables turned!

My funny story:

I met my husband at a mutual friends house. He walked in, and though I had several FWB's at the time, I took one look at him and was enchanted. There was this fine man, shaved head, well kept goatee and the eyes of the devil himself. Tight jeans, a fine ass and he smelled fantastically strange. (I would later find out this 'enchanting' smell was some type of sealant used at his work)

When he flashed me that million dollar smile for the first time, I was laying across the foot of our friends bed on my belly. He made a small comment about how my jeans looked nice on me and I invited him to give me a spank! When it came time to go, I gave him a grin and in front of a good number of his guy friends, I said, "You are coming home with me tonight." I don't think I had ever seen a guys ego get boosted so much in my life! I know for a fact several of the guys in that room were jealous of him!

As the relationship progressed, he was surprised that I did in fact buy him things as well. I did in fact take HIM out to dinner, or show up with party favors of my own when I came to spend the weekends with him at his apartment! And of course, he enjoyed this! When I bought us tickets to see George Carlin he was thrilled that a woman would do that for him.

I think there are some men who really enjoy spoiling a woman, and that is great! You know, there are a LOT of bad fish out there and I am of the opinion that male or female, a good person deserves to be treated as a treasure!

When a man is treating a woman with flowers, fine dining and thoughtful gifts...Doesn't he deserve the same in return????
That's what I mean by aggressive. You saw him, you wanted him, and you "courted" him the way women normally wait for men to court them. Brava!
BTW, Happy Valentine's Day to the two of you!
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:30 PM   #60
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Without quoting the entire post & story from TheDragon'sPearl (a great story btw, thanks for sharing) that's already cited in a couple of the previous posts, I suspect some of what we're talking about is generational. I find that baby-boomers (that is, people like myself who are 50+) have significantly different expectations than some of the folk in between: at least those boomers i know in my city. It's as though the gains won by the women's liberation movement (intangible i guess) were set back in the next generation. And now the expectations seem high again, possibly because we're talking about the children of the boomers.

But then again there might be a few generalizations/oversimplifications in this post.
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:35 PM   #61
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It sucks that women would call you names if you say no, but then what woman would go up to a guy and demand he buy her a drink? That's just not classy. No woman should have to demand that. If she offered to buy you a drink, now that would be aggressive and cool. I say if a woman offers to buy you a drink, thank her for it and have a friendly chat. She'll figure out if there is no chemistry, and if she's classy she'll take the hint that you aren't interested without making a scene. I'm sure most guys know a drink is no guarantee that he will get a number or a date, and a women should understand that too if she offers.



"Sorry, I have a boyfriend" never works when I say that. It just makes men more aggressive. Saying "Sorry, I'm only into girls" doesn't work either cause then they want to convince you to either give up girls or ask to watch . Since the guys who hit me up are almost always guys I pass on the street (and they wear uber baggy pants - yuk) I can say "I'm flattered but no thank you" and keep walking and hope they don't follow me or say some fat hating thing.
People like that are clowns.....I lose the need/desire to respect them if they don't have the common courtesy/decency to take the BROAD hint just politely handed to them.
Years ago, a man came into my job and asked me out. I said I was married.....he asked "Happily?". I wanted to stab him.

People who feel the need to "pressure" others into dating them are pathetic.
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:41 PM   #62
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People like that are clowns.....I lose the need/desire to respect them if they don't have the common courtesy/decency to take the BROAD hint just politely handed to them.
Years ago, a man came into my job and asked me out. I said I was married.....he asked "Happily?". I wanted to stab him.

People who feel the need to "pressure" others into dating them are pathetic.
I totally agree.
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:20 PM   #63
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There was a BBW that I worked with in college that came on super strong. It was super aggressive and super public which turned me off. I do regret turning down the offer but I think if you're going to be aggressive be tactful as well.

On the other side of the spectrum there was a diff girl in my 2nd year of college who sat beside me during a play. She was a close friend so I wasn't thinking anything would happen. She tapped me on my leg and whispered in my ear and that was IT.

Now take the first situation with us just being 1 on 1 and it would have been ON
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:24 PM   #64
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There was a BBW that I worked with in college that came on super strong. It was super aggressive and super public which turned me off. I do regret turning down the offer but I think if you're going to be aggressive be tactful as well.

On the other side of the spectrum there was a diff girl in my 2nd year of college who sat beside me during a play. She was a close friend so I wasn't thinking anything would happen. She tapped me on my leg and whispered in my ear and that was IT.

Now take the first situation with us just being 1 on 1 and it would have been ON

I hear you about the public thing. Guys that say certain things way too loud bother me.....and make me feel like I have been disrespected and really leave me no choice but to shake them off.
Discretion is important- no need to scream out your private business....or someone else's especially when you haven't even gotten to know them well enough to go out on a first date.
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:28 PM   #65
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Exactly Green Eyed! I'm thinking, if you're that loud about it you've been advertising it pretty often...nothing something I'd like to be into

no pun intended :-P
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:31 PM   #66
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Loudly advertising yourself to someone is probably a surefire way to NOT get a date. I'm also a believer in being forceful, but tactful.

For example, you can just go up to someone and say that you think they're cute and ask if you want to talk or go somewhere else to hang out or something. Make sure you introduce yourself first. If you're a little bit shy, another way is to introduce yourself and later exchange phone numbers. When you pass the person your phone number, write something like "I think you're cute" or say in passing that you would like to go out sometime.

I actually did this with a girl I met in my art class. She was already in a relationship at that point, but she said to me that that made her evening and that she would still like to be friends. That was good enough for me.
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:49 AM   #67
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I think there is a huge difference between aggressive and assertive. I think aggressive is horrible, and I don't think its possible to do aggressive "tastefully". I think that being sexually assertive though and pursuing someone is fine, though it's not something I really feel comfortable doing.

I find a man aggressively pursuing me to be very intimidating, but assertive is confident and just fine.
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Old 02-15-2010, 12:33 PM   #68
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Originally Posted by Ruby Ripples View Post
I think there is a huge difference between aggressive and assertive. I think aggressive is horrible, and I don't think its possible to do aggressive "tastefully". I think that being sexually assertive though and pursuing someone is fine, though it's not something I really feel comfortable doing.

I find a man aggressively pursuing me to be very intimidating, but assertive is confident and just fine.
You're right. Aggressiveness, the kind that seeks to dominate others to its will without concern for anyone else's feelings, and to ruthlessly pursue that what you want heedless of all other considerations, turns me off whether it comes from a man or a woman. There are too many pushy, arrogant jerks out there of all genders. I think most people on here will agree that what they want from their potential partners is assertiveness, confidence, clear communication, with respect for the rights and feelings of the other. However, in this culture, we are so ingrained to the notion of feminine passivity that we see any initiative on a woman's part in sex or relationships as aggression, so that is the word we're using to describe this behavior.

I don't like framing sex and relationships in the context of "conquests" or "the thrill of the hunt" or so forth. It makes it sound like the pursued party is a prey animal, a thing to be caught and consumed. While I think it's important to be driven and able to go after what you want in life, when I am the pursued party, I want to know that they want me as a person and not just as another notch on a belt.

And I admit that I like a woman to be a little rough with me from time to time, but only after we've established a relationship or at least an understanding. Someone walking up to me out of a blue demanding I buy her a drink and demeaning me when I don't comply is not sexy at all. It would be like a man walking up to an unknown woman and demanding a blow job, and calling her a b*tch if she refused.

I live for the day when men and women both can ask for what they want assertively without any hint of taboo or sordidness. Then maybe people won't be so pushy and bulldoze through other people's feelings in pursuit of their heart's desires...
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:39 PM   #69
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You're right. Aggressiveness, the kind that seeks to dominate others to its will without concern for anyone else's feelings, and to ruthlessly pursue that what you want heedless of all other considerations, turns me off whether it comes from a man or a woman. There are too many pushy, arrogant jerks out there of all genders. I think most people on here will agree that what they want from their potential partners is assertiveness, confidence, clear communication, with respect for the rights and feelings of the other. However, in this culture, we are so ingrained to the notion of feminine passivity that we see any initiative on a woman's part in sex or relationships as aggression, so that is the word we're using to describe this behavior.

I don't like framing sex and relationships in the context of "conquests" or "the thrill of the hunt" or so forth. It makes it sound like the pursued party is a prey animal, a thing to be caught and consumed. While I think it's important to be driven and able to go after what you want in life, when I am the pursued party, I want to know that they want me as a person and not just as another notch on a belt.


And I admit that I like a woman to be a little rough with me from time to time, but only after we've established a relationship or at least an understanding. Someone walking up to me out of a blue demanding I buy her a drink and demeaning me when I don't comply is not sexy at all. It would be like a man walking up to an unknown woman and demanding a blow job, and calling her a b*tch if she refused.

I live for the day when men and women both can ask for what they want assertively without any hint of taboo or sordidness. Then maybe people won't be so pushy and bulldoze through other people's feelings in pursuit of their heart's desires...
Yes, but we often refer to the "thrill of the chase." Looking at it as hunter/prey for me is just a way to determine who is doing the pursuing and who is being pursued. One person courts the other. It just sets up clear boundaries in the hopes there is no confusion. These days tho I'm sure it doesn't always work that way. People just do whatever and hope that whatever it is they do works. I do know that doing the fwb thing first doesn't work for me. It probably doesn't work for most people. Things get messy and feelings get hurt. One person always gets less than they need or want. Hell I'd love to be hunted. I declare Olwen season officially open. LOL
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:58 PM   #70
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This thread is just...refreshing. I've had a number of conversations with women who want a guy, and often even would clearly want to be in charge if they were to get said guy, but won't make the move. I've tried to articulate the (seemingly obvious) notion of 'if you want something, make the effort', but that is usually rewarded with a 'you just don't understand'. Well, clearly I understand SOMETHING!. Thanks, zen thread!
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:54 PM   #71
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That last bit is actually quite helpful. Thanks, O! It's difficult to think of something gracious when you know they'd freak if you told the truth (you're a little small for my tastes).
A man of your taste and elan can figure this out.
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:04 AM   #72
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Originally Posted by Ruby Ripples View Post
I think there is a huge difference between aggressive and assertive. I think aggressive is horrible, and I don't think its possible to do aggressive "tastefully". I think that being sexually assertive though and pursuing someone is fine, though it's not something I really feel comfortable doing.

I find a man aggressively pursuing me to be very intimidating, but assertive is confident and just fine.
I do appreciate a woman who is assertive, rather than bitchy or bossy or aggressive. Ideally, we'd be equal partners, sharing ideas, decisions, risks, plans; compromising effortlessly because we are secure in the relationship. you have to be secure within yourself first, of course.

But in the bedroom, I really do appreciate a woman who takes charge!
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Old 02-18-2010, 10:09 AM   #73
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I do appreciate a woman who is assertive, rather than bitchy or bossy or aggressive. Ideally, we'd be equal partners, sharing ideas, decisions, risks, plans; compromising effortlessly because we are secure in the relationship. you have to be secure within yourself first, of course.

But in the bedroom, I really do appreciate a woman who takes charge!
I wish I could rep you right now. You've just described my ideal woman--and my ideal relationship--far better than I ever could.
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Old 02-18-2010, 12:51 PM   #74
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I agree with ReallyNiceFellow. That kind of relationship sounds perfect.
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Old 03-05-2010, 02:42 AM   #75
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Default yay for being aggressive!

I totally don't mind be sexually aggressive with a guy, it turns me way more on if I can be with him. If we're both into it, why the hell not?

I totally love this thread by the way!
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