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Old 02-11-2010, 06:59 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Europe
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Default Gender expression and personal ideal(s)?

Edit: I started out wondering if others who identify as or can relate to the concept of genderqueer have contrasting personal ideals, but later realised that the issue of a personal ideal is far more open than that and does not even have to be related to gender, so I welcome all respectful responses.

Do you have some sort of an ideal, or ideals about how you hope to look, how you carry yourself and how you hope others will respond to you? Just to be clear, it is about what you want for yourself, not what you think others expect of you and hopefully it is also not something you impose on others. What has shaped your ideal(s), are they realistic and how do you compromise?

I have two personal ideals that are seemingly at odds with each other.

The first is asexual and androgynous - very thin, toned, flat-chested, short hair, boyish, pretty, pierced, tattooed, unconventional and indistinguishable gender-wise. Ze had been hurt, but rose above it and now presents the Stone Butch-esque invulnerable, untouchable front to the world. Ze likes the idea of looking a little dangerous and takes a perverse delight in eliciting looks of confusion, contempt, disgust and horror. I have felt this way as far as I remember (I cried when I read Stone Butch Blues at 14 because that was the first time somebody else put what I felt in words), and while there are events in my life that could have contributed to this, I doubt they are the cause. In any case, it feels like the truest, purest expression of my self and gender so it pains me that I cannot pull it off convincingly. I sometimes dream of transitioning, getting a mastectomy or a significant bust reduction and still go through phases of really trying, but I have to be content with dressing up once in a while, doing deliberate things like packing under a dress and unleashing that energy in bed.

The second is all about the exaggerated feminine - round and soft (at least a small BBW by Dims standards), with full breasts, an ample tummy, wide hips and the usual makeup, hair, nails, dresses and heels. She is warm, sensual, open, feisty, charming and carefree. She has the grace of a woman, but savours life's little pleasures with the curiosity and innocence of a child. It all started when tomboyish me started hanging out with femme gay boys and loud drag queens. I was drawn to by their brand of femininity as it was intriguing and tolerable, so I decided to give it a go (short changing my weight and shape because my very stubborn body won't have any of it unless I resort to extreme measures I can't sustain), immediately fell in love with girly playthings and decided to live like that. Even though I pulled this off so much better, appearance and even personality wise, I still felt like a fraud and a sell-out because this is the most convenient, conventionally accepted way for women to be, even though it goes against what I truly feel. I usually cope by exaggerating this femininity to a point where it became too fake to be convincing (to myself, others bought all of it and seemed impressed), or soothe myself with little gender-bending things.

Don't get me wrong, I am okay with myself as I am. I probably think about gender and gender expression a little too much, and get occasional pang of jealousy when I see people who do fit my ideal (there are so many beautiful, wonderful BBWs that embody the second one here).
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