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Old 01-15-2012, 02:07 PM   #26
Imp
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by softgirly555 View Post
This was totally me. Except instead of Bulimia I have been hospitalized twice for Anorexia and at one point weighed 71 pounds and while I am short at 5'1 it was still severely under-weight. And I always felt so weird about my fantasy of gaining weight and being fatter. I always knew it played some sort of role in my eating disorder. It wasn't until recently that I came out of the closet.. or so it feels like about my fetish. I have been in recovery for 3 years and about a year and a half ago I told my therapist who I was seeing for maintenance for the anorexia and she was not weirded out by it and she having recovered from an eating disorder said it made lots of sense and that it wasn't something to feel ashamed about. It was like part of the anorexia was an effort to punish myself for fantasizing about eating and gaining weight.

Then I found the courage to tell my now fiance and my best friend about it. My best friend took it really well and we talked about certain things that she thought was weird about herself sexually. And I then told my now fiance and he was a little confused at first and we weren't sure how to incorporate my feelings and desires into our life and he doesn't feel the same way about it that I do, but he partakes in things now that I enjoy and indulges my fantasies and has found its fun for him because he likes seeing my enjoy myself and the sex is the best it has ever been for us ever. It has brought us much closer.

However I still cant seem to let go completely and eat and gain with complete abandon. I have gained a significant amount from 71 pounds though. I am now 115. and I'm hoping to gain some more, but I have days where I feel that anorexic part of my brain in panic mode and worrying that he won't find me attractive or that I will get comments from others in my life.

I'm not sure what will happen and I hope that one day I can really 100% give into my desires. But regardless it has been quite a long journey for me and I've come pretty far in accepting myself but there is still more work to do. .. and Delicious food to eat. lol

good luck!
I hope you don't worry so much about "gaining with complete abandon." Just because you fantasize about it doesn't compel you do so. Saying to yourself that you have to be able to give in 100% to your fantasy can be just as constraining as saying to yourself that fantasies of gaining are weird and that you have to fend them off. I think if some days you want to gain, some days you don't and other days you regret it and want to lose--that would be pretty typical. Overall, though, you sound pretty content with things, and that's great. Best of luck and encouragement to you in finding satisfaction.
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