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Old 02-16-2010, 06:43 PM   #1
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Default Closeted FA/FFA admirers?

I seem to have just picked up on a trend here on Dims.

Its the closet FA/FFA admirer. It likes they want you to be into them sexually and not mention the fact that you are a FA/FFA or lie about where you actually meet or that they look up FA/FFA's to hook up with. Whats with the double standard? As a FA/FFA have you encountered this?
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:51 PM   #2
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i have no problem introducing my significant other to my friends and family

i'm just deathly afraid of them finding out that i'm sexually attracted to her
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:26 PM   #3
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I dated someone who always took me out to dinner, everything we did centered around food. Then I realized he was trying to plump me up. I later learned of his attraction to BBW and SSBBW's but he would never come out and admit it especially to his family. he lives in the closet still to this day. I would not be surprised if he was a member on here too!
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:35 PM   #4
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I seem to have just picked up on a trend here on Dims.

Its the closet FA/FFA admirer. It likes they want you to be into them sexually and not mention the fact that you are a FA/FFA or lie about where you actually meet or that they look up FA/FFA's to hook up with. Whats with the double standard? As a FA/FFA have you encountered this?
Lying about where you meet would be a VERY different issue when dealing with the kinds of places fat people tend to meet FAs as there is a lot of lingering social shame over such meetings. I don't agree with it, but it is WAY different than being ashamed that your partner finds you sexually attractive.

I mean, I get that this phenomenon exists, but I think it can also be wildly overdiagnosed. Especially compared to the lenient standards I think most here would agree about when someone is a closet FA. Wanting to private about your sexuality is something a LOT of people feel, and its nothing unique to fat people and their admirers. The standards you list are MUCH higher than I think people here would usually have for FA's being out of the closet, and reasonably so.

Again, I'm sure there are fat people who do, genuinely, feel shame about being with a partner who sexually desires them. Its sad and unfortunate, but I'd readily concede it is a likely reality for some people. By your standards for diagnosis are much too strict. I think few thin people would expect to discuss the detailed nature sexual attraction to their partner in mixed company. Its a shame that so often this component is simply presumed absent in couplings involving fat people, but while I have no issue with openness, I'm not sure its always a cure-all in that context, either. I'm open with my partners about my sexuality and frankly all of my friends know because I've told them and my family knows because they aren't stupid. But I wouldn't expect a partner to explain to her friends and family that I'm sexually attracted to her. That's not a normal behavior outside of fat person/fa pairings, so I can hardly think it expected just for us. I think that would be an awkward way of counter negative presumptions about our sexual interest in each other. It would seem more natural to be outwardly affectionate in as organic a way as the individuals desired. Which is something I imagine is extremely common among fat people and their admirerers.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:05 PM   #5
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Being afraid of liking someone of the opposite sex is... stupid.

If a gay couple can admit that they are openly gay and are sexually attracted to one another, then said closeted admirer has no spine if they still do not show the courage to show off their S.O.

Being closeted is not the best solution. Be proud of who you are, instead of thriving on self loathing.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:05 PM   #6
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LOL...

Its not the closet FA/FFA I am talking about..

Its the Admirer of the FA/FFA who seemed to be ashamed that they are with a FA/FFA. The BHMS/BBW's who dont want their friends and family to know that they seek out FA/FFA's, that they come to these type of sites to be admired by us FA/FFA's, and like to date FA/FFA's. Are we really that bad?
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:45 PM   #7
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LOL...

Its not the closet FA/FFA I am talking about..

Its the Admirer of the FA/FFA who seemed to be ashamed that they are with a FA/FFA. The BHMS/BBW's who dont want their friends and family to know that they seek out FA/FFA's, that they come to these type of sites to be admired by us FA/FFA's, and like to date FA/FFA's. Are we really that bad?
Like I said before, your standards for what you call "closeted" are MUCH more strict than is generally used for FA's, so I'm not sure its really fair at all to explain such behavior on fat people being ashamed of their admirers. I think you are drawing that conclusion with a considerable lack of evidence. I'm sure it exists, but none of what you posited as a proof of such shame seems remotely fair to me which would lead to the phenomenon being radically over assigned.
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:03 AM   #8
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Like I said before, your standards for what you call "closeted" are MUCH more strict than is generally used for FA's, so I'm not sure its really fair at all to explain such behavior on fat people being ashamed of their admirers. I think you are drawing that conclusion with a considerable lack of evidence. I'm sure it exists, but none of what you posited as a proof of such shame seems remotely fair to me which would lead to the phenomenon being radically over assigned.
I haven't drawn any conclusions yet. However, I get the impression that sometimes FA/FFA are being tooled for affection and when the person feels better about themselves the Fa/FFA gets dropped, or is looked down upon for liking them durning their "chunky phase" should they decide to lose weight, or that people will think their settling for dating a FA/FFA if it comes to light that they are dating a FA/FFA.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:48 AM   #9
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Does this actually happen? I know of people who are hesitant to announce to the world that they met their SO on the internet, fat dating sites, Dims, FF, whatever. But people who are actually ashamed of the fact that their SO desires them and loves their fat bodies as they are!! ... I don't know chick - seems a bit far fetched. Why on earth would anybody be ashamed of somebody who adores them?? Where you met them might make you blush but that they love you as you are?? How can love and acceptance be a cause for any kind of shame?

I think there might be fat men and women who are ashamed of themselves and their own bodies and so project their own self-hatred onto a partner that loves and desires what they despise. Thats a relationship doomed to failure anyway so if thats what you mean I'd say said FA/FFA shouldn't waste another moment in a situation that is so damaging to both parties.
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:19 AM   #10
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Does this actually happen? I know of people who are hesitant to announce to the world that they met their SO on the internet, fat dating sites, Dims, FF, whatever. But people who are actually ashamed of the fact that their SO desires them and loves their fat bodies as they are!! ... I don't know chick - seems a bit far fetched. Why on earth would anybody be ashamed of somebody who adores them?? Where you met them might make you blush but that they love you as you are?? How can love and acceptance be a cause for any kind of shame?

I think there might be fat men and women who are ashamed of themselves and their own bodies and so project their own self-hatred onto a partner that loves and desires what they despise. Thats a relationship doomed to failure anyway so if thats what you mean I'd say said FA/FFA shouldn't waste another moment in a situation that is so damaging to both parties.
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:24 AM   #11
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I think there might be at men and women who are ashamed of themselves and their own bodies and so project their own self-hatred onto a partner that loves and desires what they despise. Thats a relationship doomed to failure anyway so if thats what you mean I'd say said FA/FFA shouldn't waste another moment in a situation that is so damaging to both parties.
Agree with the above

From the experience of a pretty happy fat chick, whom met her S.O here on Dims, Im not ashamed of having somebody who loves me and is sexually attracted to me because of my size. Somebody I work with made a comment the other day about how she thought her boyfriends brother must be mad to be dating a 'chunky' girl as she put it, and she also commented on how silly the brother and his large girlfriend looked together, because he was slender and she was very large. I did a double take and said to her something along the lines of 'Did it ever occur to you that he likes her that way? Not every man wants a skinny girlfriend. Look at me, Im more than likely ALWAYS bigger than most men I date, and if you must know, my fella loves a big girl, he wouldnt have me any other way' she looked at me puzzled and replied 'dosent he want you to lose weight? Dont you think he would prefer you slim? Isnt that strange?' I asked her why she thought it was strange, and she was stumped and said something like 'I dunno, dosent every man want a skinny girl?'. At that moment I couldnt have been prouder to announce that my boyfriend is a big fat, fat girl lover..........

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Old 02-17-2010, 12:21 PM   #12
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I seem to have just picked up on a trend here on Dims.

Its the closet FA/FFA admirer. It likes they want you to be into them sexually and not mention the fact that you are a FA/FFA or lie about where you actually meet or that they look up FA/FFA's to hook up with. Whats with the double standard? As a FA/FFA have you encountered this?
I can't speak for Dims relationships (never having been involved with anyone from the site), but this has happened to me IRL. There have been 1-2 guys who wanted to date me, but then suddenly changed their minds when they discovered that I was an FFA. After we got together and they realized that I was not only aroused by their fat, but would love it if they got fatter, they decided that I had a problem.

Their choice, I suppose, but I thought it was pretty lame. I wasn't asking them to gain or even tell anyone that I was an FFA - all they had to do was enjoy the sex
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Old 02-17-2010, 12:43 PM   #13
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Why on earth would anybody be ashamed of somebody who adores them?? Where you met them might make you blush but that they love you as you are?? How can love and acceptance be a cause for any kind of shame?

.
If you don't believe this, go back and read over some old threads on here about "FA vs Non FA" and others where there are whole arguments over whether or not somebody would even be with an FA in the first place. Additionally there any number of posts from women saying they'd been with an FA previously but now don't want one because the FA only cares about fat or they "only want to be liked for themselves and not their fat". It's totally acceptable on here for a fat person to say they don't want to be with an FA and to say whatever mean stuff and sweeping generalizations they want to make.
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:09 PM   #14
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I think there might be fat men and women who are ashamed of themselves and their own bodies and so project their own self-hatred onto a partner that loves and desires what they despise. Thats a relationship doomed to failure anyway so if thats what you mean I'd say said FA/FFA shouldn't waste another moment in a situation that is so damaging to both parties.
Well said! My ex is fat and hated her size more than anything. She told me she felt special when she learned that I appreciated her looks, but that soon turned into disgust when she found out that my exes before her were also fat and that I prefer fat partners in general. She said something to the effect of not wanting to be seen as "yet another one of my disgusting fat girlfriends" and I am sure she'd cringe if her friends find out.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:17 PM   #15
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I haven't drawn any conclusions yet. However, I get the impression that sometimes FA/FFA are being tooled for affection and when the person feels better about themselves the Fa/FFA gets dropped, or is looked down upon for liking them durning their "chunky phase" should they decide to lose weight, or that people will think their settling for dating a FA/FFA if it comes to light that they are dating a FA/FFA.
Okay, now you're talking about something completely different.

First, you suggested evidence of shame of FAs would be a fat person not advertising their partner's sexual attraction to them, but thats not something anyone does so I fail to see why it would be expected of fat people. Lying about meeting someone online or at a BBW dance is almost always going to be about the social stigma around those kinds of meeting places, not the nature of the sexual attraction underlying. A lot of people feel the same way about meeting on eHarmony. Calling that evidence of FA shame is just reading WAY too much into something.

Now, you've suggested something completely different. Fat partners who try to manage self-loathing with a desire for sexual gratification at the expense of respecting their partners. Again, I'm sure this exists, but you were suggesting a "trend" here at this site and you're not really providing any evidence of that. I've seen it pop up a couple of times, but not at the level of a trend.

What I do see a lot of is a very uncritical approach to the sexuality of FA's but this is practiced by FA's and fat people alike. Many fat people presume our sexuality should go away when they want it to. Many FA's, though, feel the same. They feel that ultimately their sexuality is wrong and while they enjoy the sexual gratification themselves, they exhibit a sense that they don't deserve it. FA's refuse to empathize with the political concerns of fat people, preferring to just let it be a sexual attraction. Doing so, however, earns them little respect for their sexuality. Nor should it. Unless FA's act like this is more than just thinking someone is hot, no one should respect it beyond such a base level. If that's all this is going to be to an FA, that's all they can expect it to be to a fat person. As long as FA's tacitly agree that being fat is bad, they'll never find their sexuality respected because they don't really respect it themselves. That so many FA's are so doggedly uncritical in examining their own selves is a shame, but its not the fault of anyone else until FA's decide to change.
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Old 02-18-2010, 04:27 PM   #16
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If you don't believe this, go back and read over some old threads on here about "FA vs Non FA" and others where there are whole arguments over whether or not somebody would even be with an FA in the first place. Additionally there any number of posts from women saying they'd been with an FA previously but now don't want one because the FA only cares about fat or they "only want to be liked for themselves and not their fat". It's totally acceptable on here for a fat person to say they don't want to be with an FA and to say whatever mean stuff and sweeping generalizations they want to make.
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Old 02-18-2010, 10:08 PM   #17
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Why on earth would anybody be ashamed of somebody who adores them?? Where you met them might make you blush but that they love you as you are?? How can love and acceptance be a cause for any kind of shame?

I think there might be fat men and women who are ashamed of themselves and their own bodies and so project their own self-hatred onto a partner that loves and desires what they despise. Thats a relationship doomed to failure anyway so if thats what you mean I'd say said FA/FFA shouldn't waste another moment in a situation that is so damaging to both parties.
Society looks down on FA's because they think we are weird so I think that might be were some of shame comes from. Now add that to someone who isn't comfortable in their own skin, like you said, and you have a receipe for disaster.

I think this story...In her chair..really illustrates my point.

Like Melian said, irl they think we have a problem with liking their fat.
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Old 02-18-2010, 10:23 PM   #18
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Okay, now you're talking about something completely different.

First, you suggested evidence of shame of FAs would be a fat person not advertising their partner's sexual attraction to them, but thats not something anyone does so I fail to see why it would be expected of fat people. Lying about meeting someone online or at a BBW dance is almost always going to be about the social stigma around those kinds of meeting places, not the nature of the sexual attraction underlying. A lot of people feel the same way about meeting on eHarmony. Calling that evidence of FA shame is just reading WAY too much into something.

Now, you've suggested something completely different. Fat partners who try to manage self-loathing with a desire for sexual gratification at the expense of respecting their partners. Again, I'm sure this exists, but you were suggesting a "trend" here at this site and you're not really providing any evidence of that. I've seen it pop up a couple of times, but not at the level of a trend.

What I do see a lot of is a very uncritical approach to the sexuality of FA's but this is practiced by FA's and fat people alike. Many fat people presume our sexuality should go away when they want it to. Many FA's, though, feel the same. They feel that ultimately their sexuality is wrong and while they enjoy the sexual gratification themselves, they exhibit a sense that they don't deserve it. FA's refuse to empathize with the political concerns of fat people, preferring to just let it be a sexual attraction. Doing so, however, earns them little respect for their sexuality. Nor should it. Unless FA's act like this is more than just thinking someone is hot, no one should respect it beyond such a base level. If that's all this is going to be to an FA, that's all they can expect it to be to a fat person. As long as FA's tacitly agree that being fat is bad, they'll never find their sexuality respected because they don't really respect it themselves. That so many FA's are so doggedly uncritical in examining their own selves is a shame, but its not the fault of anyone else until FA's decide to change.

I think its a case of "why do we hurt the one we love I really like this qoute.."Sometimes lovers hurt their beloved in order to show their independence......Since the beloved is a major source of happiness, this person is also a major threat to our happiness: more than anyone else, the beloved can ruin it."

I don't think its the Fa's (in general) who have to change but those that we admire need to accept that we are truely attracted to them.
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Old 02-19-2010, 01:23 AM   #19
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Agree with the above

From the experience of a pretty happy fat chick, whom met her S.O here on Dims, Im not ashamed of having somebody who loves me and is sexually attracted to me because of my size. Somebody I work with made a comment the other day about how she thought her boyfriends brother must be mad to be dating a 'chunky' girl as she put it, and she also commented on how silly the brother and his large girlfriend looked together, because he was slender and she was very large. I did a double take and said to her something along the lines of 'Did it ever occur to you that he likes her that way? Not every man wants a skinny girlfriend. Look at me, Im more than likely ALWAYS bigger than most men I date, and if you must know, my fella loves a big girl, he wouldnt have me any other way' she looked at me puzzled and replied 'dosent he want you to lose weight? Dont you think he would prefer you slim? Isnt that strange?' I asked her why she thought it was strange, and she was stumped and said something like 'I dunno, dosent every man want a skinny girl?'. At that moment I couldnt have been prouder to announce that my boyfriend is a big fat, fat girl lover..........

You handled that really well.
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secret turn on.....Genuine affection :)
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Old 02-19-2010, 01:35 AM   #20
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I get the feeling that its the cultural differences I am picking up on more than anything. Among the Black, Hispanic, and Italian cultures its not seen as unusual to be with someone who loves curves. An example is, whenever I hit on a person from those backgrounds I usually get a more positive response than when I give the(hey, hi you doin') look to a White person..they usually respond with a ...lol
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Old 02-21-2010, 02:48 PM   #21
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There is DEFNINTELY no shame in liking larger FEMALES!! .. Once the opinion of other people means nothing, THEN the "Relationship" can PROSPER!
EXACTLY! You hit the nail on the head.
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:42 PM   #22
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@OP - ten years back my second gf was a neurotic cute chubby girl. Socially or in public she made great efforts to push me back into the FA closet. She would be upset if I stuck up for a passing fat girl someone said something snide about, cos she didn't want to be thought of as fat. So it's not just Dims - anyone strongly invested in identifying as "I'm not a fat person" or who does not see their body as a whole, but instead sees their fat as an unwelcome 'extra' - tends to be FAphobic. ... It's a pain in the arse but what can you do about it?
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Old 02-21-2010, 05:58 PM   #23
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So it's not just Dims - anyone strongly invested in identifying as "I'm not a fat person" or who does not see their body as a whole, but instead sees their fat as an unwelcome 'extra' - tends to be FAphobic. ... It's a pain in the arse but what can you do about it?
Seek out people who ARE comfortable with their bodies and with having a partner who feels the same? Dunno, just a thought.

All kidding aside, we do exist. I get exasperated sometimes when I see FAs griping about this kind of thing, because it's like, hellooooo, we're out here! Stop trying to convince reluctant fatties they're beautiful when there are fatties out there who already know it.
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:02 PM   #24
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I'm always afraid of this when admitting to a big guy that I find them attractive. Even now I use the word "big" instead of "fat" because in main stream society "fat" is not always the best word choice. Most people don't want to be seen as or confronted about being fat even if they are, so when you tell someone "I like fat guys/girls" theres that uh oh moment where their mind races to "she thinks I'm fat!!!" haha. Even if they've known it themselves for years, its entirely different to hear a significant other admit that they know it too (like it's been some secret all this time). So yeah Chickenlegs, I totally know what you mean. It can be really frustrating. The only thing that can be done is to find someone who's comfortable enough with themselves to let you love them properly.
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:25 AM   #25
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@Carrie - yes, good point... (altho I meant "what can you do about other peoples 'phobias'?". My bad, shoulda been clearer) ... And yes thats one thing I learned from that experience... So for the last ten years that's what I've done... And 2 out of 3 of my LTRs in that span were with BBWs who were ok with themselves and with my wanting them... Such peeps are very thin on the ground around here, tho... Ho hum...
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