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Old 03-01-2010, 12:56 PM   #51
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Mies, I don't think that it does the OP any favors to soothe and pander to him. Maybe he really needs to hear these things. I've stumbled across a few poor, misunderstood 'gents' who took a kindness to mean that I'm open to some kind of affair, be that online or otherwise. It's disheartening in its own way because I've grown suspicious of any man who will share details of his personal life with me. I don't have that same wariness about women. But it always starts with the same thing: My wife just doesn't understand me. We're just so unhappy but I can't leave her because of XYZ. I have no problem with shutting the conversation down altogether at that point, lest nude pics find their unsolicited way to my inbox. Perhaps if I were single, or unhappy myself, I could be drawn in. Well, no. I'm still not stupid.

Point is, I suspect that this post is more of the same. I don't know that for sure, OP -- and I'm not outright accusing you of anything. Just saying, it has a calculated whiff of "I'm desperately unhappy and I want someone to tell me it's OK to do what I'm fairly set on doing anyway." Even if this isn't what I suspect it is, it's still asking for advise, and as a woman, I find it very difficult to empathize (or sympathize) with him at all. For the exact reasons already stated by Toni, Mossy, and others.
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Old 03-01-2010, 12:56 PM   #52
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Oh yeah, let me give him a hug.
He'd love that.
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Old 03-01-2010, 12:58 PM   #53
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The fact that you came here for advice shows that you care enough for your wife to want to work it out. You'd rather be happy with her, but just don't know how. I was in a similar situation with my wife a number of years ago. We tried marriage counseling, and it worked. Your emotions are not "wrong" - everyone wants to have their desires fulfilled - but there are limits to what you can expect from your partner. You may appreciate the help that a counselor can give in understanding those limits and how to deal with them, even though they will entail some compromise on your part.

The best advice I ever heard was: "You loved her enough to marry her, didn't you? Find that love again." The rest won't matter after that.
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:02 PM   #54
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Mies, I don't think that it does the OP any favors to soothe and pander to him. Maybe he really needs to hear these things. I've stumbled across a few poor, misunderstood 'gents' who took a kindness to mean that I'm open to some kind of affair, be that online or otherwise. It's disheartening in its own way because I've grown suspicious of any man who will share details of his personal life with me. I don't have that same wariness about women. But it always starts with the same thing: My wife just doesn't understand me. We're just so unhappy but I can't leave her because of XYZ. I have no problem with shutting the conversation down altogether at that point, lest nude pics find their unsolicited way to my inbox. Perhaps if I were single, or unhappy myself, I could be drawn in. Well, no. I'm still not stupid.

Point is, I suspect that this post is more of the same. I don't know that for sure, OP -- and I'm not outright accusing you of anything. Just saying, it has a calculated whiff of "I'm desperately unhappy and I want someone to tell me it's OK to do what I'm fairly set on doing anyway." Even if this isn't what I suspect it is, it's still asking for advise, and as a woman, I find it very difficult to empathize (or sympathize) with him at all. For the exact reasons already stated by Toni, Mossy, and others.
Suit yourself. I'd rather give the man the benefit of the doubt.
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:04 PM   #55
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The best advice I ever heard was: "You loved her enough to marry her, didn't you? Find that love again." The rest won't matter after that.
I concur. Listen to experience.
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:19 PM   #56
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Suit yourself. I'd rather give the man the benefit of the doubt.
Who knows? Maybe you're right.

I did like the advise that you offered, very much. Hopefully, OP will consider it.
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:25 PM   #57
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I understand that this is a protected forum:

"This forum is intended to be serious and civil, dedicated to helping male and female FAs with real life issues. In general, the hope is that discussion is kept free flowing, mutually supportive and positive."
The OP had started this thread on the Main Board, where anybody is allowed to comment and they don't have to keep strong opinions to themselves. Mods might be the ones to talk to, so that some of the straight talk could be removed.
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:36 PM   #58
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Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones.

I would think that would be the best way to cope.
it works for me.
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:16 PM   #59
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Nope, I didn't come here to cheat! I've been reading these boards for years. I just wanted advice from other FA's in my situation. We have tried counseling and it didn't really work. The counselors I spoke with were not aware of the whole FA, BBW attraction thing. They really couldnt understand why I would like my wife heavy. I felt the only good advice is from someone who is like me, thus my post. I was correct in posting this because I feel like I got accurate advice. I like hearing from fellow FA's and BBW's how they felt in similar situations. My outlook has changed because of it. I think I will continue to post questions where before I was to afraid and I kept it all in my head! I actually feel liberated to get this off my chest.
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:30 PM   #60
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I've been married for over 12 years to my wife. Her weight has gone up and down usually from 190 to 240 lbs. She always tries to diet and does not like the way she looks when she gets too heavy. I have been a closet FA for all my life. I finally told her that I like her big and she got really upset and thinks I am sick. This has caused a lot of strain in our marriage. We have 3 kids and I don't believe in walking out. I know a lot of people who would just say forget it and move on but I just can't.

Are there any FA men like me who have found a way to cope with this? I get obsessed watching what she eats and get mad when I know she is trying to diet. This has caused some OCD in me! I think about her losing weight all the time and get anxiety over it.

Also, when I see other SSBBW's in public I go nuts! This also causes me anxiety because I know I can't approach and ask them out (because I'm married). How do other FA men cope with these feelings?
I hope you can solve this problem and find happiness.
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:25 PM   #61
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Nope, I didn't come here to cheat! I've been reading these boards for years. I just wanted advice from other FA's in my situation. We have tried counseling and it didn't really work. The counselors I spoke with were not aware of the whole FA, BBW attraction thing. They really couldnt understand why I would like my wife heavy. I felt the only good advice is from someone who is like me, thus my post. I was correct in posting this because I feel like I got accurate advice. I like hearing from fellow FA's and BBW's how they felt in similar situations. My outlook has changed because of it. I think I will continue to post questions where before I was to afraid and I kept it all in my head! I actually feel liberated to get this off my chest.
YAY...I look foward to more posts form you mister ***points finger at you***
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Old 03-01-2010, 05:06 PM   #62
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I know I've taken a beating posting this but I think I got some great advice! I don't think leaving the relationship is the best answer. After talking with each other last night I think we both realized we are not showing affection towards each other at all. Over time, you just grow distant and feel unloved. At least for me that is what happened. On top of not showing affection, the constant complaining and temper towards me really topped it off! After a while you just become roommates raising kids together and barely getting along. This is why I am always looking to leave or looking at other BBW's in public. Like you say, thinking that the grass is greener with someone else. The grass might be greener for a short period with someone new but I would leave a trail of disaster for my wife and kids! Seems very selfish. I know it is also selfish to want her to keep gaining and being unhappy. This is something that I know I need to work on. To be honest, it also doesn't help looking at all the BBW and SSBBW sites on the internet! This just leads me to want someone like that! I need to love who I have and learn to treat her better. I don't think it will happen overnight but I am going to try.
I am glad that you guys talked. I've alway said that communication is KEY to a healthy relationship. Keep talking and not hiding things from one another. Who knows you might find amazing and new things about one another that will make your marriage even more fulfilling
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Old 03-01-2010, 08:53 PM   #63
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Please Note! - Two threads were merged due to multiple posting on different boards. The single thread is now in the FA/FFA forum, please make sure you are aware of the forum guidelines before posting.

Please excuse any disruptions while we sort through the best way to handle the thread merger.

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ETA: Update - We will be leaving the merged threads intact, with no moderation, some of the posts are not within the guidelines, but for continuity they will remain. FA/FFA Forum guidelines apply.

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Old 03-04-2010, 06:55 AM   #64
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I wanted to respond to a couple of responses regarding "leaving my wife" or "not being honest with myself". Like I said, I have been attracted to BBW's as far back as I remember. I also dated a few BBW's before getting married. It wasn't until two years after I married my wife that I discovered Dimensions. Once I read about other FA's and the size acceptance something triggered in my head. All the years of wondering who I am and why I feel the way I do were in an instance acknowleged. I felt like I finally found the answers I was searching for. I immediately wanted to meet the next BBW I saw and live happlily ever after! But wait, I was married! And until that day, I was happily married! It wasn't as if I hadn't dated other BBW's, so what had changed? I think I finally accepted who I was and I wasn't going to live a lie as some of you said. I knew my wife liked to diet and she would not understand why I would want her to fatten up! I did try to give her hints that I liked her with more weight. Again, these were all things to make ME happy. As the years went on, I tried to keep my little secret to myself and love my wife. I always felt though that "those people on Dimensions" wouldn't approve of what I was compromising! That a true FA wouldn't compromise either. I've been living this way for a long time, trying to encourage my wife to gain (or at least not lose). After reading your replies though, I began to realize that 1. not ALL BBW or SSBBW's want to be that size. 2. you may meet someone big now but later on in life, because of health issues or their own desires lose the weight. 3. Married shouldn't JUST be about looks!

I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.
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Old 03-04-2010, 09:56 AM   #65
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I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.
has anyone floated the idea of talking to your wife about opening your relationship? Sex, I mean. Maybe she'd be open to the idea of sleeping with someone who looked at her body and sexual self as she'd like, and you could sleep with someone who looks the way you want her to. ANd you still stay in love, married, and parents to your kids.

just a thought. I'm not saying it's a good idea or anything she'd go for, but I have no doubt that her sexual life could suffer based on how you're criticizing her looks (in your head or out loud) and maybe she'd like to step out herself!

do you think you'd be down with her finding someone else? and you, too, of course.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:32 PM   #66
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I wanted to respond to a couple of responses regarding "leaving my wife" or "not being honest with myself". Like I said, I have been attracted to BBW's as far back as I remember. I also dated a few BBW's before getting married. It wasn't until two years after I married my wife that I discovered Dimensions. Once I read about other FA's and the size acceptance something triggered in my head. All the years of wondering who I am and why I feel the way I do were in an instance acknowleged. I felt like I finally found the answers I was searching for. I immediately wanted to meet the next BBW I saw and live happlily ever after! But wait, I was married! And until that day, I was happily married! It wasn't as if I hadn't dated other BBW's, so what had changed? I think I finally accepted who I was and I wasn't going to live a lie as some of you said. I knew my wife liked to diet and she would not understand why I would want her to fatten up! I did try to give her hints that I liked her with more weight. Again, these were all things to make ME happy. As the years went on, I tried to keep my little secret to myself and love my wife. I always felt though that "those people on Dimensions" wouldn't approve of what I was compromising! That a true FA wouldn't compromise either. I've been living this way for a long time, trying to encourage my wife to gain (or at least not lose). After reading your replies though, I began to realize that 1. not ALL BBW or SSBBW's want to be that size. 2. you may meet someone big now but later on in life, because of health issues or their own desires lose the weight. 3. Married shouldn't JUST be about looks!

I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.
I am someone that can relate directly to what you are going through and I wanted to offer up some actual advise (not interlaced with accusations and blame like some others which I found extremely unhelpful).

I have never been married but I have been in many very serious relationships, any one of which that could have eventually lead to marriage. I always gravitated towards chunky girls but never really made that the sole issue of why I dated someone. I have always felt that a relationship is utterly worthless without love for a person's personality and the genuine connection between two people. I have also always felt that a less than perfect sexual component to any relationship regardless of the love two people share can potentially add a lot of strain to a relationship. One girl that I cared very deeply for sounds very much like your wife, in that I met her when she was just chunky and she started getting bigger and did not like that, along with the fact that she had quite a temper. Because of the way I view relationships I feel that I can be with someone regardless of their weight because I find many thin and fat women extremely beautiful and sexually attractive and I want to marry someone because of that connection we share, not the fat or lack of fat. So for me when she addressed the issue of how she felt about her weight I calmly stated to her that I thought she was beautiful the day we met, that I think she is beautiful now, and that her personality is what draws me to her, however, I personally find big and beautiful women extremely attractive. I didn't state it like a guilty admission or like I was coming out of the closet, just frankly and honestly without shame or hesitation. I know this couldn't have been a surprise for her because on numerous occasions I had told her how much I appreciated the features she had that were fat that I found sexually appealing, but when I just came out and said that my natural inclination was towards fat women she snapped. She said to me, what kind of freak am I that I'm the object of your fat fetish (as well as other "colorful" choice words).

Now admittedly this seems like an extreme reaction but I can't quite say that it was caused by the way I said it because as I said she has quite the temper and when I talked to her last after being broken up for quite a while she told me that she started getting counseling to deal with her frequent anger outbursts. I also can't say it wasn't caused by how I said it.

Sorry for the long post but I felt like for any efficacy of my advise I would need to provide the back story. So with all this in mind after many talks with her I realized that she was just someone so insecure with her body image that my admission of my preference for fat women shook the foundation of her entire life long struggle with self-esteem and body image issues. From that point on it put a significant strain on our relationship to the degree I made up things I needed to do or stayed late at work so I wouldn't have to get on the phone with her or go see her to receive more of her ill tempered abuse. Then later I made the realization of how what I said affected her and I started doing things differently. I showed her affection even when she was being irrational and hateful. I asked her things that she liked sexually in a partner or things she liked for a partner to do that we currently didn't (sexual or not). I like being skinny and I know that she liked me skinny so it gave me extra incentive to get back to the gym to get back into shape so she would find me more sexually appealing. I made sure to tell her every time how much I appreciated her friendship and how beautiful she is. I think by saying what I did I unlocked a pandora's box of insecurity and in order to help the relationship I needed to be a more caring and understanding boyfriend to her to help with her image issues rather than make them worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say pallard is that you are not living a lie and no you are not being selfish. You are being a human being and we have all been that once or twice from time to time I bet. The fact that you would even come onto these boards and state the obviously painful things you have in order to get advice on how to improve your marriage shows that you are not just thinking of yourself (or just thinking of your kids for that matter). But it is my belief that you will have to put much more care and consideration into the way you show your affection towards your wife to help build the self-esteem for the way she looks if you want to help your marriage. Unfortunately not every fat woman in the world is as confident and happy with their fat figures as some of the women on forums like this one. In fact for them it is their one true curse. That is how my girlfriend saw it. While the things I did helped improve our relationship considerably (and her self-image) we eventually broke up because of the anger problems (and my inability to not make it worse), but it had nothing to do with me sexually fantasizing about fat women and I felt great while our relationship lasted just by being understanding and loving her for the person she was, whether it fat or not.

I know this is wordy and I don't blame those that skip it, but I just honestly wanted to try and help if I could because I feel like I understand your situation and I only want the best for everyone that has enough care for others to try and reach out however they can for help. Good luck with everything and remember that you should not do this for your kids first (they are not your crutch for this relationship in my opinion), but do it for yourself and your wife and I think you can expect the best possible outcome whatever that may be.
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Old 04-18-2010, 11:28 AM   #67
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Pallard I relate to you in so many ways but from the other side.

I am a SSBBW who lost 300 lbs. due to illness. I am STILL a SSBBW. I can't and shouldn't gain any weight back because a condition I have is affected by any fluctuation in weight.

Spouse, while always an out FA is very reserved both in and out of the bedroom. There are times I feel invisible, unwanted and unattractive to him.
I do everything I can to entice him but our libidos have gone to complete opposite extremes and although we are in therapy, they too have a limited knowledge of the BBW/FA relationship and it isn't figured into the equation although I have strenuously voiced this to the therapist several times.

I am very direct. Because Spouse is reserved and extremely sensitive I have to walk on eggshells on this subject because he will only withdraw and nothing will be accomplished. This is extremely frustrating for me because I don't want to be RIGHT--I want to be loved.

My exact words to him and the therapist were:
I can go out on my own and pursue other endeavors without him. I can and do have my own hobbies and friends. But I am a moral woman and as such the ONLY thing I cannot get outside my marriage is the ONLY thing my husband won't give me. I have been held at arms length for so long for something that is so essential to my happiness and have lost so much that I refuse to live half a life. If he is not willing to work with me then I will have to leave him for BOTH of us to be happy.

He asked me to give him a year and I agreed because I love him. I don't know what the future holds but with or without him, love will be in it.
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Free me, free yourself
A life of sacrifice controlled me
But those promises I made
No longer hold me
Mercurial more wayward by the hour
The shackles fall away I'm in your power



People throw rocks at things that shine.

Last edited by CastingPearls; 04-18-2010 at 11:32 AM.
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Old 04-18-2010, 12:17 PM   #68
Theotherone
 
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I think your wife's feelings boil down to this: You kept a secret. You were in fact in love with a different ideal woman than the ideal she had of herself. In a sense, it's a kind of adultery. You've done the equivalent of admitting you have a mistress. They way you deal with it is in the manner that would be appropriate if you were fessing up to having a living, breathing mistress.
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