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Old 03-16-2010, 09:08 PM   #1
truebebeblue
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Default Dating and love frustrations!

I never fell into the stereotype of being the lonely fat girl.
I have dated loads and been in love. Experienced a lot,
I've had my heart broken more times than I care to admit or count.
I have always retained my sense of hopefulness. Even after my boyfriend died a while back. I thought, okay that time is done. Grieve and move on.
Lately though,I am weary. I crave that excitement of a new love interest.
I seek it out and try to feel open and hopeful but once I actually begin to
be seriously interested in a man,I start to feel myself bracing.

In my mind I think "what is his brand of disappointment?"
It usually makes itself clear in short order and I feel that telltale
'kick in the stomach' feeling. This is wearing on my optimism.
Am I going to end up a crazy cat lady???

Another interesting thing has started and this is clearly with age.
I want a child and the women in my family have early menopause (around 40)
this adds to the pressure I feel (and I am beginning to resent it!)
I am very regularly asked out by men much younger than me that will likely
want children in 5-10 years but are in no shape ready for it now.
So what is a lady of shrinking child bearing years to do?
It creates a very real issue. I'll be 33 this year BTW

Anyway I think I am half venting half rambling!
Please join me!



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Old 03-17-2010, 03:56 AM   #2
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I always wanted to be a fat girl like you. I see them around - glorious creatures utterly free and easy in their own sense of beauty and desirability, who flirt beautifully and just make connections with male people that I can't seem to manage.

I'm secure in my own beauty and self worth - yes - but when it comes to relationships I somehow remain the bumbling, super shy, fairly stereotypical fat girl/uber geek. Recently I've forced myself to be braver, to be less judgmental, to be more present in reality as it is and not as I want it to be - and it has paid off in two amazing friendships I would never have had otherwise - but still no love. I've never been in love, I'd really like to be.

My frustration I suppose is that I want love but I know that there are many, many people who never ever find it. I'll never forget a student documentary I once watched in my final year of TV journ about two old women and the contrast of their lives. One was this small, shrivelled creature who spoke bitterly about everything. She was one of those pesky old ladies who shout at barking dogs and complain about noise all the frikken time. She'd been raped by the very first man she ever loved when she was 19. She always wanted to get married but never did because everytime she began to form connections with the opposite sex her shields would go up. So there she sat, at 88, so bitter and sad and no time really left to change the status quo The other old lady was this really beautiful, smiley creature who, at 80, ran an art gallery and had 10 grand children and had just married her second husband and was happy - the joy just shone from her.

Those two stories made me realise that we will not all find love on this planet. Erotic love I mean, the non-platonic kind. Some people find it many times, some once and some never. I don't like thinking I fall into the never category but what I've promised myself is that if I do I will not allow it to make me bitter. I will not let fear and frustration twist and warp me - I will not live a small unhappy life just because I live it alone. LOL! Rather melodramatic perhaps but those are my current thoughts around dating and love.
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Old 03-17-2010, 06:34 AM   #3
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*raises hand*

Lonely fat girl here...sigh

I'm thinking it has to do with turning 40 with me though. But I feel ya girl. Nobody wants to be old and alone...it's scary. Don't worry it'll happen when you least expect it
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:59 AM   #4
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Truebebeblue's first paragraphs brought back memories: all through my twenties, that could have been me. I have now been happily married for twenty-six years, and here, for whatever it's worth, are some things I've learned. If it helps, fine; if not, chuck it!

Erotic love is fun, but it's also overrated. I'm talking about the bells-ring-birds-sing emotional rush that all the novels, movies, and pop songs sell us on. It's overwhelming, but it doesn't last, and it isn't much of a basis for a marriage: the divorce rate should tell you that. Also, the older you get, the less likely you are to fall head over heels for someone: youth tends to act first and think later, but with age we become more calculating: we want to know more about this person and what he/she is really like. We look before we leap, and we are less likely to land on something jagged. So don't reject someone because your head isn't spinning: if you find someone you respect, admire, and genuinely enjoy being with, snap 'em up, and don't wait for chills and fever. The best thing you can do is marry a good friend; mutual affection and respect will go a lot farther, for a lot longer, than chills and fever.
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:07 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau View Post
I always wanted to be a fat girl like you. I see them around - glorious creatures utterly free and easy in their own sense of beauty and desirability, who flirt beautifully and just make connections with male people that I can't seem to manage.

I'm secure in my own beauty and self worth - yes - but when it comes to relationships I somehow remain the bumbling, super shy, fairly stereotypical fat girl/uber geek. Recently I've forced myself to be braver, to be less judgmental, to be more present in reality as it is and not as I want it to be - and it has paid off in two amazing friendships I would never have had otherwise - but still no love. I've never been in love, I'd really like to be.

My frustration I suppose is that I want love but I know that there are many, many people who never ever find it. I'll never forget a student documentary I once watched in my final year of TV journ about two old women and the contrast of their lives. One was this small, shrivelled creature who spoke bitterly about everything. She was one of those pesky old ladies who shout at barking dogs and complain about noise all the frikken time. She'd been raped by the very first man she ever loved when she was 19. She always wanted to get married but never did because everytime she began to form connections with the opposite sex her shields would go up. So there she sat, at 88, so bitter and sad and no time really left to change the status quo The other old lady was this really beautiful, smiley creature who, at 80, ran an art gallery and had 10 grand children and had just married her second husband and was happy - the joy just shone from her.

Those two stories made me realise that we will not all find love on this planet. Erotic love I mean, the non-platonic kind. Some people find it many times, some once and some never. I don't like thinking I fall into the never category but what I've promised myself is that if I do I will not allow it to make me bitter. I will not let fear and frustration twist and warp me - I will not live a small unhappy life just because I live it alone. LOL! Rather melodramatic perhaps but those are my current thoughts around dating and love.

I am trying to come to terms with that, i know it can definitely happen and wouldn't be a death sentence.. I loved someone once and maybe he was just the one for me? I will strive to lead a happy life even if I am alone... try not to be lonely but right now that doesn't seem possible.

I am a firm believer that a lot of self acceptance comes with age.
I work with two women in their 50s who seem happy single and childless.
Sometimes I want to ask them if they REALLY are.


True
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:37 PM   #6
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I wish I was braver when it came to approaching/flirting with men. I don't want commitment or monogamy, I want fun and adventure... but when the opportunity presents itself, most of the time my nerves undermine my desires.

Case in point... this evening I stopped into a video store that was having a going out of business sale, and one of the clerks was a very B, rather H, M. I browsed the DVDs and stealth-leered at him for a little while, before moving on to Target. The guy randomly shows up to shop at Target while I'm still there.

And we check out at the same time, so we ended up leaving the store walking only a few feet from each other... and he parked his car a few spaces from mine... so I had all the time I was in the video store, plus a good 5 minute window in Target, with which to approach this guy. I'd never seen him before in my life, probably never see him again. What did I have to lose from approaching him? I could have asked him about when the store was going to close and tried to strike up a conversation from there; I could have proposed to him... realistically, the worst thing that could happen would be rejection. And that was too intimidating. I suck.
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Old 03-24-2010, 08:46 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
Truebebeblue's first paragraphs brought back memories: all through my twenties, that could have been me. I have now been happily married for twenty-six years, and here, for whatever it's worth, are some things I've learned. If it helps, fine; if not, chuck it!

Erotic love is fun, but it's also overrated. I'm talking about the bells-ring-birds-sing emotional rush that all the novels, movies, and pop songs sell us on. It's overwhelming, but it doesn't last, and it isn't much of a basis for a marriage: the divorce rate should tell you that. Also, the older you get, the less likely you are to fall head over heels for someone: youth tends to act first and think later, but with age we become more calculating: we want to know more about this person and what he/she is really like. We look before we leap, and we are less likely to land on something jagged. So don't reject someone because your head isn't spinning: if you find someone you respect, admire, and genuinely enjoy being with, snap 'em up, and don't wait for chills and fever. The best thing you can do is marry a good friend; mutual affection and respect will go a lot farther, for a lot longer, than chills and fever.
Passion is not just for the young. Older people feel passionate and their passion is fueled by the knowledge that time is limited.
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Old 03-26-2010, 01:43 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StarWitness View Post
I wish I was braver when it came to approaching/flirting with men. I don't want commitment or monogamy, I want fun and adventure... but when the opportunity presents itself, most of the time my nerves undermine my desires.

Case in point... this evening I stopped into a video store that was having a going out of business sale, and one of the clerks was a very B, rather H, M. I browsed the DVDs and stealth-leered at him for a little while, before moving on to Target. The guy randomly shows up to shop at Target while I'm still there.

And we check out at the same time, so we ended up leaving the store walking only a few feet from each other... and he parked his car a few spaces from mine... so I had all the time I was in the video store, plus a good 5 minute window in Target, with which to approach this guy. I'd never seen him before in my life, probably never see him again. What did I have to lose from approaching him? I could have asked him about when the store was going to close and tried to strike up a conversation from there; I could have proposed to him... realistically, the worst thing that could happen would be rejection. And that was too intimidating. I suck.

Oh i would have said "are you following me?!" and laughed... that usually gives them an opening if they were wanting to talk to you and if not they laugh and that's it.. nothing too mortifying.


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Old 03-26-2010, 01:45 PM   #9
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Default Update.

Well, funny how I made that post about my biological clock etc..
I just found out I'm pregnant. This should make dating even MORE interesting!
Now I'm off to obsess on growing a new person.



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Old 03-26-2010, 02:06 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by truebebeblue View Post
Well, funny how I made that post about my biological clock etc..
I just found out I'm pregnant. This should make dating even MORE interesting!
Now I'm off to obsess on growing a new person.
Omg, congratulations! I'm not religious but I've always heard "Ask and you shall receive" lol. Well good luck with the pregnancy!! Now we have two expectant Mommys on Dims. When's your due date?
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Old 03-26-2010, 02:17 PM   #11
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Omg, congratulations! I'm not religious but I've always heard "Ask and you shall receive" lol. Well good luck with the pregnancy!! Now we have two expectant Mommys on Dims. When's your due date?

December 17 is my calculation.
I think its is so weird how the doctors calculate it. At conception they count you two weeks pregnant (seems like that could cause some problems?)... they use the first day of your last period.. makes no sense. I know the day I conceived... so yeah Dec 17.
I am very happy.

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Old 03-26-2010, 05:13 PM   #12
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Congrats hope all goes well.
I really think if you look you won't find a relationship worth having but it has a way of just dropping in your lap.
It did for me anyway.I normally wouldn't date a much older guy but the nicest older guy just happened to be there when I needed him the most.
A twist of fate perhaps but I wouldn't change a thing that happened.
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Old 03-27-2010, 10:52 AM   #13
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Congrats True! Life is funny sometimes ain't it? The universe always seems to give you what you need when you need it.
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Old 03-27-2010, 01:27 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by truebebeblue View Post
Well, funny how I made that post about my biological clock etc..
I just found out I'm pregnant. This should make dating even MORE interesting!
Now I'm off to obsess on growing a new person.



True
OMG CONGRATS!!!!
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Old 03-27-2010, 09:26 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truebebeblue View Post
Well, funny how I made that post about my biological clock etc..
I just found out I'm pregnant. This should make dating even MORE interesting!
Now I'm off to obsess on growing a new person.



True
OMG, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! How exciting!!
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Old 03-27-2010, 10:06 PM   #16
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Thanks everyone!
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Old 03-28-2010, 05:00 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
Erotic love is fun, but it's also overrated. I'm talking about the bells-ring-birds-sing emotional rush that all the novels, movies, and pop songs sell us on. It's overwhelming, but it doesn't last, and it isn't much of a basis for a marriage: the divorce rate should tell you that. Also, the older you get, the less likely you are to fall head over heels for someone: youth tends to act first and think later, but with age we become more calculating: we want to know more about this person and what he/she is really like. We look before we leap, and we are less likely to land on something jagged. So don't reject someone because your head isn't spinning: if you find someone you respect, admire, and genuinely enjoy being with, snap 'em up, and don't wait for chills and fever. The best thing you can do is marry a good friend; mutual affection and respect will go a lot farther, for a lot longer, than chills and fever.
Those are some wonderfully wise words and I hope more people heed them. I have a few friends who passed up on really great guys because they weren't cute/tall/rich/fit/etc enough. One guy even rejected me because he "didn't feel the fireworks" even though we got along really well (his loss, I'm dating a FANTASTIC man now, my very best friend so I guess that worked out well... lol). Fireworks are beautiful but fleeting. I prefer a fire that leaves glowing embers... not quite roaring but they still keep you warm and last a lot longer.
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Old 03-29-2010, 01:37 AM   #18
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Default Settling...........

I've dealt with this really recently.

I worry about being alone, but I've seen two marriages in the last year
where the woman is clearly and sometimes admittedly SETTLING.
For a man they had little sexual interest in and/or nothing in common with.
Both of the women happen to be BBW with low self esteem and I find that far more tragic than being alone.

I could have been married by now , I could live in a beautiful home and not had to work outside the home. I couldn't bring myself to do it.My 'heart' would not let me,and it overpowered my head very quickly.
I hate to think this is naivete on my part. I'm far from inexperienced in love.
I just couldn't be with men I had no passion for.
Yes I know I would develop loyalty,trust,respect etc but would I secretly resent him and myself for blocking my chances of finding 'real love'
Are all those feelings enough to make a truly happy marriage without passion?
Or would there always be something missing?

Another round of ramble,


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Old 03-29-2010, 02:54 AM   #19
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not ramble my dear true...truth. the heart wants what it wants. don't worry about marriage...it is overrated. i agree that very few people find their perfect someone. it is better to be single and have the opportunity at real happily ever after than to settle with someone who does not make your heart leap.

congrats so much on your up and coming little one! motherhood is wonderful. enjoy each moment. having a child seems to make time go twice as fast! lots of pictures! they change so fast!
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:16 AM   #20
spiritangel
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I have been finding myself asking the motherhood, marriage question even pre breakup funnily enough. I have always been surrogate mother to other peoples children and its only recently it has begun to dawn on me it just may never happen for me. I have always believed we all will find our happily ever afters even if they are different to what we have envisioned at times. I know from my experience that if a little soul chooses you as a parent that you can use every ounce of protection on the planet and they will still find a way. I am to much of a romantic and a dreamer to ever give up on finding love, but do have my cynical moments.
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