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Old 04-11-2010, 06:53 PM   #1
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Ok this may be somewhat unfocused but I'll do my best. As a single FA/feeder I find it quite difficult to find women. I used to think the difficulty would be a feedee. Now I've come to realize that I can be happy leaving my fantasies as fantasies. My issue now is that I often find that larger girls often seem to have lower self esteem and especially don't like when someone makes a big deal (or even a small deal) about their size, even if its positive.
(I like to think that most of the women on this site don't have that problem, god bless you all).

Does anyone else find this?
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Old 04-11-2010, 07:56 PM   #2
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My issue now is that I often find that larger girls often seem to have lower self esteem and especially don't like when someone makes a big deal (or even a small deal) about their size, even if its positive.

Yes, low self-esteem is a widespread problem (not only in fat women, and not only in women). But unless you are a trained psychologist, there is not much you can do to correct it in another person. Since you seem to be able to recognize it, you are way ahead of the game. Use what you've learned in real life and on these boards to steer clear of it, and find the more confident women out there. As you know from this website, they DO exist. Good luck.

(My first wife had very low self-esteem, which I didn't understand at the time. It was a heart-wrenching experience, trying but continually failing to help her feel better about herself. The only consolation was that I learned what to avoid, and I later found a truly confident woman who is now my wife.)
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Old 04-11-2010, 08:27 PM   #3
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Well, I'd offer some advice, mostly because I've never really dated anyone. -__-
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:11 PM   #4
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Same here (High-Fives Bmann).
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:42 PM   #5
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It's true that everyone has some degree of insecurity. It's very frustrating when you really like someone for something that they hate about themselves.

I just want people to come on here and say that it did work for them eventually.
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:44 PM   #6
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It's true that everyone has some degree of insecurity. It's very frustrating when you really like someone for something that they hate about themselves.

I just want people to come on here and say that it did work for them eventually.
You don't need to worry about that fiddy! There are countless success stories on dimension forums! Though it may be hard to find some now, there are many success stories on dating in these archives.
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Old 04-12-2010, 04:02 AM   #7
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This is a very common discussion on this board, and honestly you can find as many opinions and experiences as you can posters.

On one hand the conventional wisdom is that self esteem has to come from within, and this is true to a large degree. You can't make somebody like herself and if she doesn't like being fat you probably can't change her mind. A lot of FA want to think our attraction is somehow transformative, as in once she sees how you feel about her body she'll begin feeling the same way. Usually that is not the case.

However, it's undeniable that positive reinforcement can, and does have a positive affect on it's object. A woman constantly being shown and told how hot she is may very well start feeling hot, at least around you. This won't always be the case, and she will have to at least be open to it, but there have been many posts on here about this happening.

Self esteem is not black and white and never 100%. No woman of any size feels good about herself all the time. Case in point, it's possible to feel sexy around an FA and know that she's exciting to him while still possibly feeling self conscious or uncomfortable in other situations. That does not mean lacking self confidence but merely self confidence being potentially dynamic.

Two important things to remember. One is that you should never feels as if you can, or should, change somebody's feelings about herself. Don't become frustrated over why a girl can't just magically change her way of thinking simply because you say so. Her feelings about herself are more important that yours. Second is that the fat body belongs to her---she carries it with her wherever she goes and if it causes her any problems with mental or physical health or mobility, she may want or need to change it. That is her business and not yours.
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:20 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by LoveBHMS View Post
This is a very common discussion on this board, and honestly you can find as many opinions and experiences as you can posters.

On one hand the conventional wisdom is that self esteem has to come from within, and this is true to a large degree. You can't make somebody like herself and if she doesn't like being fat you probably can't change her mind. A lot of FA want to think our attraction is somehow transformative, as in once she sees how you feel about her body she'll begin feeling the same way. Usually that is not the case.

However, it's undeniable that positive reinforcement can, and does have a positive affect on it's object. A woman constantly being shown and told how hot she is may very well start feeling hot, at least around you. This won't always be the case, and she will have to at least be open to it, but there have been many posts on here about this happening.

Self esteem is not black and white and never 100%. No woman of any size feels good about herself all the time. Case in point, it's possible to feel sexy around an FA and know that she's exciting to him while still possibly feeling self conscious or uncomfortable in other situations. That does not mean lacking self confidence but merely self confidence being potentially dynamic.

Two important things to remember. One is that you should never feels as if you can, or should, change somebody's feelings about herself. Don't become frustrated over why a girl can't just magically change her way of thinking simply because you say so. Her feelings about herself are more important that yours. Second is that the fat body belongs to her---she carries it with her wherever she goes and if it causes her any problems with mental or physical health or mobility, she may want or need to change it. That is her business and not yours.
Very prudent post.
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Old 04-12-2010, 05:48 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by fiddypence View Post
My issue now is that I often find that larger girls often seem to have lower self esteem and especially don't like when someone makes a big deal (or even a small deal) about their size, even if its positive.
(I like to think that most of the women on this site don't have that problem, god bless you all).

Does anyone else find this?
Well I feel like I have very high self esteem and I enjoy the fact that there are guys out there that think that at my size I am attractive. However what I have bolded should not be your "jumping off point" when trying to get to know a girl. This has been a big turn off for me. Guys don't want to get to know my person. They just focus on the fat.

If you are really and truly serious about dating a girl. Get to know them as a person. You don't have to fawn over their fatness. You are already showing interest in her by talking and getting to know her...you don't have to reminder her WHY you approached her in the first place. I'm not saying don't tell her she's sexy or beautiful but keep it to that unless she likes being told "your big fat belly really turns me on"
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Old 04-12-2010, 06:13 PM   #10
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From an SSBBW's perspective, I havent actually ended up in relationships based on my size so havent had the whole compliments on my jiggles and curves thing much in the past, and whilst my self esteem has at times taken a battering I like who I am and where I am at/going in my life and admittedly it will take time but I am getting used to getting compliments on my curves and jiggly bits, I think if it is something a woman isnt used to it can be a little disconcerting to say the least, it isnt necessarily bad just that some woman are not used to being thought of as Sexy or having their curves appreciated, and sometimes it just takes a little time to get used to seeing yourself in a new way through someone elses eyes. Especially when often people around us fill our heads with the your not good enough nonsense due to size ect. I think a little patience and understanding goes a long long way here guys. I am learning to accept compliments again and have to say it is nice to see myself through peoples eyes who do truly appreciate all the cuddly curvacious goodness that is me. But at times it still makes me a little self conscious as well, I know this will change in time

Just my 2 cents worth

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Old 04-12-2010, 08:09 PM   #11
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From an SSBBW's perspective, I havent actually ended up in relationships based on my size so havent had the whole compliments on my jiggles and curves thing much in the past, and whilst my self esteem has at times taken a battering I like who I am and where I am at/going in my life and admittedly it will take time but I am getting used to getting compliments on my curves and jiggly bits, I think if it is something a woman isnt used to it can be a little disconcerting to say the least, it isnt necessarily bad just that some woman are not used to being thought of as Sexy or having their curves appreciated, and sometimes it just takes a little time to get used to seeing yourself in a new way through someone elses eyes. Especially when often people around us fill our heads with the your not good enough nonsense due to size ect. I think a little patience and understanding goes a long long way here guys. I am learning to accept compliments again and have to say it is nice to see myself through peoples eyes who do truly appreciate all the cuddly curvacious goodness that is me. But at times it still makes me a little self conscious as well, I know this will change in time

Just my 2 cents worth

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Well spirit I hope you make a smooth transition and can finally see the beauty everyone else sees in you on this site.
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:08 PM   #12
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Well I feel like I have very high self esteem and I enjoy the fact that there are guys out there that think that at my size I am attractive. However what I have bolded should not be your "jumping off point" when trying to get to know a girl. This has been a big turn off for me. Guys don't want to get to know my person. They just focus on the fat.

If you are really and truly serious about dating a girl. Get to know them as a person. You don't have to fawn over their fatness. You are already showing interest in her by talking and getting to know her...you don't have to reminder her WHY you approached her in the first place. I'm not saying don't tell her she's sexy or beautiful but keep it to that unless she likes being told "your big fat belly really turns me on"
I've seen this type of complaint a lot on here and i just want to say something from an (F)FFA perspective. i think it's perfectly normal to verbalize what's turning you on. It's not necessarily about disrespect or objectification, but when you're with a fatty there are certain particular things that are going to be arousing whether that's their size in general, a specific fat body part or shape, or something about how their size is hightlighted. I work with a fat guy at my part time job, and it is a turnon for me when he's behind the bar and his belly knocks into the well bottles or i see him eating. We're not dating and obviously it would be super unprofessional and rude to just off the cuff say "Hey you know when you're at the computer it's so hot how your belly rests on the countertop" but yeah, it is a turnon. And that doesn't negate anything about him as an individual at all--like if we were dating and he asked what i liked about him i could tell him--but i don't think it's any different from exclaiming over somebody's six pack abs, huge breasts, long hair, or any other physical attribute.
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:30 PM   #13
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I'm comfortable, and enjoy, hearing about both sides - what is hot and sexy about me, and that includes specifics of my body, not just "your eyes are beautiful" type things - and also about me as a person. If you dig something about me, then I want to know - physical or otherwise.

I know other women like me, so I know there are many of us who are perfectly comfortable having their fat brought up as part of a larger picture of interactions. In fact, honestly, I think I'd be sort of put off a bit if there wasn't some outward observance/enjoyment of my body that way. It's just how I work I guess.
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:13 PM   #14
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Well spirit I hope you make a smooth transition and can finally see the beauty everyone else sees in you on this site.
Hugs and thank you, I do see the beauty in me just not used to people saying it about more than my eyes and smile but as I said it is just new to me so will take a little getting used to
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:27 PM   #15
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I've seen this type of complaint a lot on here and i just want to say something from an (F)FFA perspective. i think it's perfectly normal to verbalize what's turning you on. It's not necessarily about disrespect or objectification, but when you're with a fatty there are certain particular things that are going to be arousing whether that's their size in general, a specific fat body part or shape, or something about how their size is hightlighted. I work with a fat guy at my part time job, and it is a turnon for me when he's behind the bar and his belly knocks into the well bottles or i see him eating. We're not dating and obviously it would be super unprofessional and rude to just off the cuff say "Hey you know when you're at the computer it's so hot how your belly rests on the countertop" but yeah, it is a turnon. And that doesn't negate anything about him as an individual at all--like if we were dating and he asked what i liked about him i could tell him--but i don't think it's any different from exclaiming over somebody's six pack abs, huge breasts, long hair, or any other physical attribute.
Right, I think the key is at the end of your post. If you are dating someone already, of course it's appropriate to share about what you like about each other, what turns you on, etc. But just saying "i think it's perfectly normal to verbalize what's turning you on" gives too much leeway. Obviously it's NOT perfectly normal to go up to everyone you see and comment on their body and what turns you on about it. That's the thing that happens after you start dating, not before; and if women are feeling awkward when the OP mentions it to them, maybe it's insecurity - and maybe the level of connection just isn't ready for that kind of expression yet.
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:35 PM   #16
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Right, I think the key is at the end of your post. If you are dating someone already, of course it's appropriate to share about what you like about each other, what turns you on, etc. But just saying "i think it's perfectly normal to verbalize what's turning you on" gives too much leeway. Obviously it's NOT perfectly normal to go up to everyone you see and comment on their body and what turns you on about it. That's the thing that happens after you start dating, not before; and if women are feeling awkward when the OP mentions it to them, maybe it's insecurity - and maybe the level of connection just isn't ready for that kind of expression yet.
Well most of this is just common sense. I'm assuming the OP is referring to speaking to somebody in an intimate situation, not going up to random fat women on the street and saying how much he loves their bodies.
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:45 PM   #17
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Well most of this is just common sense. I'm assuming the OP is referring to speaking to somebody in an intimate situation, not going up to random fat women on the street and saying how much he loves their bodies.
I'm hoping that's the case too...but sometimes a little extra clarity doesn't hurt.
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Old 04-13-2010, 09:39 AM   #18
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I'm going to reitterate what some have already said here. Many people feel compelled to go in to TMI territory too soon when it comes to people we may find attractive. It's okay to tell someone that they're sexy, beautiful, etc. When you continue the conversation with, ".. because...," then it gets creepy no matter what it is. Long hair, big boobs, bulging belly, short and petite - don't tell someone that's why you like them or find them sexy. In general it's a pervy way to go.

I'm pretty easy going about such things in general now but when I was younger I was a quivering shy one. I've had both approaches happen to me and while one approach made me stand a few inches taller, another made me clutch my pearls in horror. Just tell her you think she's beautiful and don't volunteer anything more than that unless she ask you. Later in the relationship you can get to all the pervy stuff but in the beginning you have to keep the compliments above the neck unless it's about her hair. Don't tell her you like her 'cause she's blonde or some such thing.
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Old 04-13-2010, 11:27 PM   #19
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To all of you who pointed out that I shouldn't say these things early on, I agree. It's just like how you shouldn't necessarily tell someone that they have nice breasts when you're not that close, it's just pervy even if it is a compliment (it's also kind of objectifying).

I just mean that when you do actually get to the stage when you can express how you feel, it can be harder if you are an FA/FFA. At least this has been my experience.
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Old 04-14-2010, 12:22 PM   #20
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I think, as has been previously stated in this thread, that the key is that the girl themselves needs to find their own self confidence, and that can happen at different times in people's lives for different reasons. A girl eaten up with self loathing can 5 years later love everything about herself (living proof :P).

Positive reinforcement can seed these changes or help them along but if someone truely and utterly doesnt believe that they're beautiful sometimes there's nothing you can do or say however hard you try. Just remember to try in the first place! Miracles can happen.
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Old 04-14-2010, 03:04 PM   #21
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To all of you who pointed out that I shouldn't say these things early on, I agree. It's just like how you shouldn't necessarily tell someone that they have nice breasts when you're not that close, it's just pervy even if it is a compliment (it's also kind of objectifying).

I just mean that when you do actually get to the stage when you can express how you feel, it can be harder if you are an FA/FFA. At least this has been my experience.
It's the same in mine as well. I've dated big guys and even after knowing them for quite a while they may not take a shine to being complimented on being fat. Most that I've met don't really want to be fat. I would never characterize them as having low self esteem though. Most of them tend to be fairly in charge of themselves in most ways but don't like being constantly reminded about traits that they don't like about themselves. If you love big noses you wouldn't go on and on about your partner's honkin' schnoz for example. Not generally considered a sexy comment. You may luck out and find someone who's okay with it but more than likely you'll have to suffer in silence and just appreciate what you have.
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"...If the only pain you recognize as valid is your own, of course you'll have trouble identifying it when you see it in other people. That's the trouble with narcissism. It makes you really inadequate and boring."

Have you hugged a fat girl today?

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Old 04-14-2010, 10:29 PM   #22
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And you know what else, I can't really fault other people for thinking this way about themselves, because I would be exactly the same way I think. It's just a shame. sorry to be so negative
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Old 04-15-2010, 12:29 AM   #23
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I actually think its been a really interesting topic to read, and to hear peoples opinions on so thanks for starting it
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Old 04-15-2010, 05:00 PM   #24
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Many posters have already provided excellent guidance on how to approach people as an FA, but I just wanted to add one thing to consider. Just being in a healthy relationship with someone boosts self-esteem for both people, so if you approach people you find attractive, and have a relationship with those that you connect with then, in my experience, most people you will end up in a relationship with will be much more willing to try and accept that you are genuinely attracted to them exactly the way they are regardless of their issues with self-esteem.
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:22 PM   #25
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My self-esteem basically translates to everyone should worship me.

I refused to date anyone who wouldn't love every inch of me. That was and is non-negotiable.

Spouse has always been an out FA. He's gotten a lot of crap for it and as passive as he is, he is unrepentantly a lover of fat women. I deeply respect that. His first wife had no self confidence and was so full of self-loathing it contaminated every single aspect of their marriage. It was over in less than a year, and that included counseling.
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Free me, free yourself
A life of sacrifice controlled me
But those promises I made
No longer hold me
Mercurial more wayward by the hour
The shackles fall away I'm in your power



People throw rocks at things that shine.
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