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Old 12-19-2010, 02:13 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by 1love_emily View Post
Joswitch, the thing is that a lot of girls who are BBW don't know or understand the idea that there are people who like them. I had no idea that it was humanly possible for a guy to like someone who was 300+ pounds. I had always thought, because of something I read in an intro to Psychology, that men liked women who weren't skinny, but not fat (had hips/boobs/flat stomach) and long straight hair. For years I tried to emulate that, but it just wasn't me.

There was one guy who showed me this culture, the culture of acceptance and love that is Dims. I honestly thought I was huge, being a little over 300 lbs. But now I see that I am in quite, pretty damn skinny compared to some women who are happily married. I'm content with my weight, I don't want to gain or lose. Emily at 305 lbs is who I am, and who I want to be.

I just think that more people need to know about BBW/FA/BHM/FFA-dom. Without this, I'd probably be eating lettuce and vingar for dinner every night with a side of decaf coffee. Instead, I eat pizzas and soup and steak and sushi and whateve the hell I want, because I can, and I know that someone will love me - it just comes down to finding them.
I'm not disagreeing with anything you said here Emily, and I'm glad that Dims and FA stuff has been a positive for you.

I have to say though: a lot of /some girls who are BBW don't WANT to know nor do they WANT to understand the idea that there are people who like them. I have met / know people who are FREAKED OUT by just discovering (in normal conversation, not "hitting on") that I like cute fat chicks.
And when I say freaked out, I mean: like I just grew a big hairy spider leg out of my forehead!

Most of these people have been chubby / fat girls who are CONSTANTLY engaged in fighting their weight and who put themselves through all kinds of hell to try and lose, often yo-yoing wildly. Someone like that is not at all reassured or interested in finding (out about) FAs, in fact they are kinda repulsed. IMO, FAs should not get emotionally involved with someone who feels that way, because, among other things - it will totally fuck the FA's head up.
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:53 PM   #52
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I have to agree with Jo here. To some fat women FAs are merely a curiosity. They don't like themselves and don't understand how anyone else could. Its a well worn but very true statement that you can't love someone else until you love yourself, but I have also found you can't allow yourself to be loved until you love yourself.
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Old 12-19-2010, 05:08 PM   #53
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The guy that I've been seeing recently approached me while I was out shopping and asked for my number, telling me he loved my curves. I liked that approach But after seeing each other a few times, I'm now feeling that he's more interested in getting his fetish fix rather than getting to know me, and that doesn't do much for my self esteem. I want someone to be interested in me for me, not just my body.
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:46 PM   #54
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The guy that I've been seeing recently approached me while I was out shopping and asked for my number, telling me he loved my curves. I liked that approach But after seeing each other a few times, I'm now feeling that he's more interested in getting his fetish fix rather than getting to know me, and that doesn't do much for my self esteem. I want someone to be interested in me for me, not just my body.
Agreed! I just had some one IM me and he was only interest in his fetish...I told him that it is not a fetish for me, but my life...havent heard from him after that...
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Old 12-19-2010, 08:04 PM   #55
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Agreed! I just had some one IM me and he was only interest in his fetish...I told him that it is not a fetish for me, but my life...havent heard from him after that...
I have lost count of the number of times I have had this argument with FA's this year( I know it isnt every one of them either.) Especially within a first or second conversation. Plus it gets very boring very quickly if you want to impress a girl at any size find out about what makes her tick and who she is, and give her the same info on yourself

and intelligent conversation does far more to win me over than talking about my fat.

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Old 12-19-2010, 09:54 PM   #56
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The fetish thing really sucks sometimes.

I mean, I've been talking to this guy for awhile and he's really awesome, and doesn't mention my fat almost at all, but I know he's just interested in exploring his fetish and not really anything more. At least we're friends, but it sucks that if he were to "give me a try" it would ONLY be because I'm fat.

While he doesn't talk about it, he's previously mentioned it. I don't have the heart to cut ties because he's been a great friend up to date.
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Old 12-20-2010, 06:28 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by CarlaSixx View Post
The fetish thing really sucks sometimes.

I mean, I've been talking to this guy for awhile and he's really awesome, and doesn't mention my fat almost at all, but I know he's just interested in exploring his fetish and not really anything more. At least we're friends, but it sucks that if he were to "give me a try" it would ONLY be because I'm fat.

While he doesn't talk about it, he's previously mentioned it. I don't have the heart to cut ties because he's been a great friend up to date.
Umm, what? Would you feel better if he mentioned one time that he liked boobs or dark haired women? Is it because you know he likes your fat that it's more troubling in your mind or did he actually do something fetishy that is giving you misgivings?
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Old 12-20-2010, 07:33 AM   #58
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I feel like I have to preface my post with...

I'm not an FA/FFA but I thought this was a good post and wanted to comment. I'm going waaay back to respond to this one so maybe someone already said this. If so...Ah well, great minds and all that.

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Ok this may be somewhat unfocused but I'll do my best. As a single FA/feeder I find it quite difficult to find women. I used to think the difficulty would be a feedee. Now I've come to realize that I can be happy leaving my fantasies as fantasies. My issue now is that I often find that larger girls often seem to have lower self esteem and especially don't like when someone makes a big deal (or even a small deal) about their size, even if its positive.
(I like to think that most of the women on this site don't have that problem, god bless you all).

Does anyone else find this?
I don't think low self esteem is always the main issue here. It might be part of it but I think a lot of is has to do with this...I'm a fat person, a person who is fat. No matter which way you say it I'm still a person first and foremost. When a man focuses on one aspect of a woman (even when in a positive way) it tends to diminish the rest of her. For example, a BBW might date you because she likes that you are an FA but that is not the only reason she is dating you. If it was her sole focus I doubt you would find the in relationship satisfying for long (assuming you are looking for a relationship and not just a casual thing).

I had an ex who was very sweet, a great guy but all he talked about was my fat body. This aspect of it, that aspect of it, how he loved it, how it looked in clothes, out of clothes, in his car...You get the point. Was he an awesome guy? The best! Did I get sick of hearing how he loved my fat body? You betcha. He never intended it but I started to feel like body parts instead of a whole being.

So my long winded response leads to this...Don't make a big deal about her size. Admire, appreciate, compliment her fat body...but don't let it be the only thing you admire, appreciate, and compliment. She is more than the sum of her parts. She's a person who happens to be fat. Not fat who happens to be a person.
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Old 12-20-2010, 12:42 PM   #59
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Umm, what? Would you feel better if he mentioned one time that he liked boobs or dark haired women? Is it because you know he likes your fat that it's more troubling in your mind or did he actually do something fetishy that is giving you misgivings?
For me, it's the feeling I get sometimes that while he says he likes me, he's just more interested in getting his fetish fix than spending time with me. I love that he loves my body as it is, but there's more to me than that, and I want that to be appreciated just as much, if not more.
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Old 12-20-2010, 01:18 PM   #60
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Umm, what? Would you feel better if he mentioned one time that he liked boobs or dark haired women? Is it because you know he likes your fat that it's more troubling in your mind or did he actually do something fetishy that is giving you misgivings?
He flat out called fat his fetish. Didn't say "I like big women" but said "I have a fat fetish" and has said before that it was the one thing he found appealing about me. He doesn't find anything else about my look appealing except for my fat.

Now, I don't know about you, but I find that upsetting.

But maybe it's the fact that I am not interested in sex and don't want to be used for sex that's bothering me about this guy.

Either way, hearing that the only thing attractive about you is that you can fulfill a fetish is NOT a fun thing to know.

I am a living breathing human. Not a piece of lard for a man to salivate over and stick his dick in. I want a real relationship and to be found overall attractive for all parts of me, not just that a guy fantasizes about fondling fatty bits.
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Old 12-20-2010, 01:41 PM   #61
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He flat out called fat his fetish. Didn't say "I like big women" but said "I have a fat fetish" and has said before that it was the one thing he found appealing about me. He doesn't find anything else about my look appealing except for my fat.

Now, I don't know about you, but I find that upsetting.

But maybe it's the fact that I am not interested in sex and don't want to be used for sex that's bothering me about this guy.

Either way, hearing that the only thing attractive about you is that you can fulfill a fetish is NOT a fun thing to know.

I am a living breathing human. Not a piece of lard for a man to salivate over and stick his dick in. I want a real relationship and to be found overall attractive for all parts of me, not just that a guy fantasizes about fondling fatty bits.
I merely asked because you made it seem as if he were already doing all those things. You said he was awesome, you been talking for a while, you're good friends, yada yada. He's rarely even mentioned your fat body except in initial contact. I wasn't meaning to be combative at all, maybe I should rephrase the question. If he hadn't said anything at all about liking your fat or having a fat fetish, would you still consider him a friend according to his behavior? It's not a cliff hanger or a trap, I'm genuinely curious and not looking for an "AHA!" wrong answer. Does just knowing that he's interested in your fat poison everything else no matter how good it is or is it not really that good to begin with?
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Old 12-20-2010, 02:18 PM   #62
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It doesn't really poison anything. Just makes me a little sad. I do like having friends and people to talk to, but sometimes I wish there was someone who'd rather be more than friends. I get that everyone has their fetish, but I'd just like to be desired for more than that, and not just as a friend.

He considers me a friend, too, but would prefer to be FWBs to fulfill his fetish. While I'm not open to the idea of "WB" I like the idea of "F".

It's tiresome sometimes of always being the friend and never the girlfriend.

ETA; It's definitely in the "friend" zone by way of talking, though. No chance for more at all.
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Old 12-20-2010, 02:32 PM   #63
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It doesn't really poison anything. Just makes me a little sad. I do like having friends and people to talk to, but sometimes I wish there was someone who'd rather be more than friends. I get that everyone has their fetish, but I'd just like to be desired for more than that, and not just as a friend.

He considers me a friend, too, but would prefer to be FWBs to fulfill his fetish. While I'm not open to the idea of "WB" I like the idea of "F".

It's tiresome sometimes of always being the friend and never the girlfriend.

ETA; It's definitely in the "friend" zone by way of talking, though. No chance for more at all.
My mind works much differently in general. Not saying it's good or better, it's actually very unusual. I'm completely disconnected from things like that. If someone says they dig me in some way, I appreciate it in that moment but then it is almost immediately forgotten about if they don't bring it up. It's not deliberate, I just don't have much awareness in that area. We could be chatting for months and if s/he never brings it up again it's merely an incident and not a material reality. I've often felt compelled to say, "So, do you still think 'xyz' thing?" but it feels kind of dumb to do so, idk. If they don't say anything I assume they've gotten over it, I have a mind like a goldfish there.

Now if they say they knew Dwayne Johnson I'm all up in their face. "OMG for real? What was he like? Can I get his number?" Three months later I'm still like, "She went to school with Dwayne!!!!" in my head. It's silly.
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Old 12-20-2010, 02:41 PM   #64
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Right - I think the issue really is to know the particular woman you're with. Some ladies might like the whole fat piggie/refrigerator/cow thing, and some might not even be at the point where you can say much about their belly. "Tact and discretion" are good pointers, but really, getting to know that individual woman, and having honest conversations about what you each want and feel comfortable with; that's the only sure way to figure this stuff out.
Here's my take on it

if someone is telling me my huge stomach is sexy, instead of just my stomach being sexy, then i absolutely feel like we're in fetish country. And if that's not a fetish i share, then forget it, i'm not interested.

do i have a nice ass, or do i have a nice ass that's the size of a boxcar? do i have nice arms or do i have huge arms?

a woman with a big ass or big arms knows it, everyone. It's not a secret. If you tell her you like her arms, that should be enough to convey that you like how they look, how they feel, their size, etc. If she has questions, she'll ask. If you want to hear yourself say the words 'gigantic' or 'huge' or 'pendulous' or roly poly' then you're doing so to turn yourself on. It'll only turn her on if it's HER fetish too.

keep that in mind.
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Old 12-20-2010, 03:28 PM   #65
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If you want to hear yourself say the words 'gigantic' or 'huge' or 'pendulous' or roly poly' then you're doing so to turn yourself on. It'll only turn her on if it's HER fetish too.

keep that in mind.
I agree with the whole post, I'm just saving space. I also find it depressing that this kind of thing has to actually be said publicly. I mean, it makes me sad to think that there are a lot (?) of fat admirers running around who are so inept in the ways of simple romance. As one of the fat admirers here, I have made quite a few friends who are also FA both male and female and the ones I know well all seem like normal, fully functional people capable of having a normal relationship and treating a partner well. But more and more, I'm starting to think I know a rarer subsection of the FA population and that many, many F/FA are somewhat out of synch with the world about courtship/dating and romance. I don't think they're all creeps or people who just fetishize either, I think it actually has to do with some missed step in their lives. I can't quite figure out what it would be, though, but it seems like they "missed something" in terms of how to talk to/treat a partner/potential partner.
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I feel like I have to preface my post with...


I don't think low self esteem is always the main issue here. It might be part of it but I think a lot of is has to do with this...I'm a fat person, a person who is fat. No matter which way you say it I'm still a person first and foremost. When a man focuses on one aspect of a woman (even when in a positive way) it tends to diminish the rest of her. For example, a BBW might date you because she likes that you are an FA but that is not the only reason she is dating you. If it was her sole focus I doubt you would find the in relationship satisfying for long (assuming you are looking for a relationship and not just a casual thing).
Quoted partially for the same reason I quoted Jes' post. I still find it depressing that this sort of thing needs to be stated. I will say, though, sometimes self esteem is an issue and that can be tough for anyone to deal with (FA or non-FA) but I agree that way too many people leap to the "low self-esteem" conclusion because a woman or man doesn't want to be obsessed over constantly. I'm a thin woman and we don't usually like it either. It's nice to be complimented, but not about your body all the time. It's bizarre and uncomfortable. No real relationship is going to be based on "the fetish", it's going to be based on two people getting along just like in the non-FA world. Why do so many F/FA seem to think that it would be otherwise?

And as for "fat talk"....I don't understand why any F/FA would lead with that unless they knew FOR CERTAIN the BBW/BHM was into it too. As Jes said, if it's not her (or his for BHM) fetish, then keep it to yourself. And don't assume it's her/his fetish unless they make that clear in some way. Ask them THEIR fantasies, what they like, then you might find things less difficult. Why is this so hard people? Why?

I've become really cranky lately or something. My posts used to be more evenhanded and PC.

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Old 12-20-2010, 05:35 PM   #66
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... Why is this so hard people? Why?
Probably cos the dudes in question employ the spam-everyone-on-the-internet approach to finding that one person who shares their kink...

And, also, probably cos those same dudes never, ever, ever read any of the umpteen threads that make these exact same points on DIMs, on FF and elsewhere...

And yes, it is all pretty basic incremental socialising...
*shrugs*
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Old 12-20-2010, 06:09 PM   #67
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I agree with the whole post, I'm just saving space. I also find it depressing that this kind of thing has to actually be said publicly. I mean, it makes me sad to think that there are a lot (?) of fat admirers running around who are so inept in the ways of simple romance. As one of the fat admirers here, I have made quite a few friends who are also FA both male and female and the ones I know well all seem like normal, fully functional people capable of having a normal relationship and treating a partner well. But more and more, I'm starting to think I know a rarer subsection of the FA population and that many, many F/FA are somewhat out of synch with the world about courtship/dating and romance. I don't think they're all creeps or people who just fetishize either, I think it actually has to do with some missed step in their lives. I can't quite figure out what it would be, though, but it seems like they "missed something" in terms of how to talk to/treat a partner/potential partner.


Quoted partially for the same reason I quoted Jes' post. I still find it depressing that this sort of thing needs to be stated. I will say, though, sometimes self esteem is an issue and that can be tough for anyone to deal with (FA or non-FA) but I agree that way too many people leap to the "low self-esteem" conclusion because a woman or man doesn't want to be obsessed over constantly. I'm a thin woman and we don't usually like it either. It's nice to be complimented, but not about your body all the time. It's bizarre and uncomfortable. No real relationship is going to be based on "the fetish", it's going to be based on two people getting along just like in the non-FA world. Why do so many F/FA seem to think that it would be otherwise?

And as for "fat talk"....I don't understand why any F/FA would lead with that unless they knew FOR CERTAIN the BBW/BHM was into it too. As Jes said, if it's not her (or his for BHM) fetish, then keep it to yourself. And don't assume it's her/his fetish unless they make that clear in some way. Ask them THEIR fantasies, what they like, then you might find things less difficult. Why is this so hard people? Why?

I've become really cranky lately or something. My posts used to be more evenhanded and PC.
I think that in real life we encounter just as many creepoids and losers as we do on the net. It's just that in the real world we don't engage or associate with people like that. Our eyes look right past them not even registering their presence if they don't look approachable or familial. We don't invite them to approach us and we can choose to hang around with people whose looks or manner draws us in. Seriously, who talks to EVERYONE they see? The world is crawling with freaks and wierdos. In real life we're more selective but online the criterion is not as well defined. Those awful people are the same awful people you step around on the sidewalk to get into Panera but our eyes have become accustomed.
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Old 12-20-2010, 06:35 PM   #68
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Probably cos the dudes in question employ the spam-everyone-on-the-internet approach to finding that one person who shares their kink...

And, also, probably cos those same dudes never, ever, ever read any of the umpteen threads that make these exact same points on DIMs, on FF and elsewhere...

And yes, it is all pretty basic incremental socialising...
*shrugs*
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I think that in real life we encounter just as many creepoids and losers as we do on the net. It's just that in the real world we don't engage or associate with people like that. Our eyes look right past them not even registering their presence if they don't look approachable or familial. We don't invite them to approach us and we can choose to hang around with people whose looks or manner draws us in. Seriously, who talks to EVERYONE they see? The world is crawling with freaks and wierdos. In real life we're more selective but online the criterion is not as well defined. Those awful people are the same awful people you step around on the sidewalk to get into Panera but our eyes have become accustomed.
Point taken on both counts. But I still sometimes get the feeling that there is a group that falls in between. I mean, I get the feeling some of these fat admirers aren't creeps or weirdos in the usual sense, it's more like their social skills are stunted when it comes to dating. Perhaps the internet is part of the problem there as well, I don't know. I never hung around on internet forums until I found this place. Maybe the nature of forum life in general is changing the way people interact, making it more blunt. It just seems like sometimes you see posts from people or about experiences with people who come across like they're 12 year olds trapped in adult bodies. A lot of this seems like pretty basic, normal stuff adults learn as they go through life, yet somehow a lot of people seem to have missed it. I don't know, maybe it is just that the internet puts the socially awkward on display in a way real life doesn't.
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:12 AM   #69
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These horribly inept-type FAs just don't know anything other than "fat = sexy = good = and so on..." and really need to realize that they should either (a) tone it the hell down or (b) if it's really that much of a deal breaker search* for a lady who gets her jollies from her fat the same way you do, simple as that.

* Note that I said search, not find, as finding such a woman is rare even in this little fat-centric hunk of the internet.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:39 AM   #70
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Personal opinion, based on at best a bit of anecdotal evidence: I think a lot of FA really suppress that side of themselves in their younger years, so that side doesn’t really mature. With respect to being an FA they are still stuck at being 12 years old and “OMG she’s fat, ‘gasm!’

On top of which, I suspect a lot of FA (at least with guys) are less apt to date that are their peers with more common tastes. If you aren’t ready to admit you prefer a fat partner, and aren’t all that interested in the thin people, how hard are you willing to work at (and how much social risk are you willing to tolerate for) the chance to date someone that doesn’t attract you all that strongly?
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Old 12-21-2010, 11:06 AM   #71
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Another thing that seems to come in to play is that some male Fas still still hold negative views of fat women and for some this is an aspect of what for them is a fetish. Somehow they are aroused by the put down, the negative attitude gives an edge to it, it makes them feel dirty in a good way. You can see it in some of the gems post in the crazy internet messages thread in the lounge, the guy comes just looking for sex and when he gets shot down he retaliates at the women saying how no one would be interested in her and he is doing her a favor. In some ways its a power play and in others its that they have internalized ideas that sex is shameful and have fetishized those aspects as well.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:19 PM   #72
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These horribly inept-type FAs just don't know anything other than "fat = sexy = good = and so on..." and really need to realize that they should either (a) tone it the hell down or (b) if it's really that much of a deal breaker search* for a lady who gets her jollies from her fat the same way you do, simple as that.

* Note that I said search, not find, as finding such a woman is rare even in this little fat-centric hunk of the internet.
Well said!!
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Old 12-21-2010, 02:51 PM   #73
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Another thing that seems to come in to play is that some male Fas still still hold negative views of fat women and for some this is an aspect of what for them is a fetish. Somehow they are aroused by the put down, the negative attitude gives an edge to it, it makes them feel dirty in a good way .
Exactly and a very good point. Like the horrifying poll in the 'Very Fat Women' yahoo group in which the group owner asked all members how 'their BBWs' (ugh) had been treated in public. The options were things like: Called names in public. Broke furniture in a public place. And, my favorite: Had things thrown at her by people in public (which resulted in her crying).

NOT KIDDING ON THOSE.

And, get this: he'd included absolutely no option for 'none of these things happen, she's never been humiliated in public that way.'

Uh... gee. It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that guy's sexual angle, now does it?

That poll left a black mark on my soul like few other things in my entire adult life.
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Old 12-22-2010, 12:11 PM   #74
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There is a no longer posted on thread on here that was about the negative aspects of FAness and one guy said he didn't want his partner to ever bathe and he wanted to eat the food that fell out of her mouth after it was rotten. I was shocked and very sad about some of the posts there. As a person who loves women in a positive way its hard to imagine some of the utterly fucked up things that go on out there.
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Old 12-22-2010, 04:05 PM   #75
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There is a no longer posted on thread on here that was about the negative aspects of FAness and one guy said he didn't want his partner to ever bathe and he wanted to eat the food that fell out of her mouth after it was rotten. I was shocked and very sad about some of the posts there. As a person who loves women in a positive way its hard to imagine some of the utterly fucked up things that go on out there.
I don't think this kind of fucked up behavior is some kind of particularly FA-like thing. Men who like thin women, average women, and anyone else also have these kinds of fantasies. The fat thing just adds its own particular spin on it, but FAs have in no way cornered the market on these kinds of demented fantasies.
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