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Old 04-29-2010, 12:05 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by LoveBHMS View Post
Even though i was the first to criticize his use of an innapropriate word, i honestly think he just started the thread to get input about long distance relationships.

It was not started as a decoy so he could be a jerk or denigrate certain types of females.

It's not necessary or productive for the fat community to harsh on new posters. Set them straight or correct certain comments? yes. But not attack to this degree.
Attack to this degree? Even after the first bit of ugly was removed, he was just going to keep up with the sexist language...here, on the bbw forum. This could have been moved and then anything said by any side would have been a ' simple ' back and forth. Sexist language has no place here on this forum. That's the issue.
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:23 PM   #52
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I'd like to put in a good word for long distance relationships.

I met my husband through a Yahoo Group about 8 years ago. He IM'd me with a simple "how ya doing." The cynic that I am, I waited for him to ask how big my breasts were, etc, etc., but he never did. We had a normal conversation. Then we had more and more normal conversations via IM.

I was going through a break-up when we met, and in the end, he is what got me through it. He became my best friend, and we talked for hours on the phone day after day. We still kept it on a friendship level even though feelings were developing.

After about a year, he drove from Wyoming to Ohio for a week. A month later, he moved here and a year later we were married.

He is still my best friend, and he is the most wonderful husband in the world. We are both so happy that we started our relationship with a good solid friendship. For me, it made all the difference. I trust him implicitly, and that was a first for me with men.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that long distance relationships can have a happy ending.

Take care everyone!

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Old 04-29-2010, 04:30 PM   #53
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Surfer, I Googled and found a forum for a BBW group in Nashville. I have no idea if they have parties or whatnot, but perhaps the forum is something to investigate. Google "BBW Southern Belles" and you'll find it.

As for LDR's, they can work but as others have said it takes a huge commitment and usually involves a lot of lonely, frustrating nights, time and expense of travel.. It ultimately worked out for me (married three years now), but I would encourage you if you're actively looking to connect with someone, try to find someone as near to you as possible to avoid the extra obstacles of trying to develop a relationship long distance.
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Old 05-01-2010, 02:43 PM   #54
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FWIW, the LGBTQ forum is not 'protected' in the same way that the BBW forum or the FA/FFA Forum is. I allow greater latitude in the LGBTQ forum than I did when I co-modded the BBW Forum, and for some reason, the LGBTQ forum rarely has had moments that test the anti-homophobic comments policy that is what makes it 'semi-protected.' Perhaps if we did have more of those moments, the folks who utilize the LGBTQ Forum would prefer a forum with the same level of protection as the BBW Forum and the FA/FFA Forum, and so this current level of mod-protection might change.
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Old 05-01-2010, 05:06 PM   #55
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Trying to answer the original question...

Long distance relationships suck. However, if you love that person enough to want to get to know if it should be permanent, it's something you just have to deal with as a temporary condition.

I've been in quite a few LDRs, who I didn't bother meeting until I had established that I already liked enough to make the effort to meet. It takes a lot of effort and honesty. While people can lie, there are signs any wise person can watch for. It doesn't mean you can't still get burned, but that can happen locally, too. I think the biggest thing is knowing that you're both truly looking for the same thing, or it'll feel like a big waste of time, money, and emotion.

I actually married one of those LDRs and moved across the country the week after our wedding. That was basically our honeymoon. It was supposed to be a temporary move. [Long story, involving plans we had before we got engaged, work contracts he had, and all sorts of other scenarios.] We ended up living there more than a year longer than originally expected. Those sorts of hiccups become huge issues if you're not truly committed to that relationship once the thrill of finally being together wears off. I just looked at it as that he was my best friend and my family, and, while I wanted to be back home, my home was ultimately with him.

All this being said, and some will disagree, but I think you have to be honest up front about what you're looking for and what your deal-breakers are, especially if you're going to invest the effort into an LDR. No matter how much you like someone, some things just can't or won't change. If she can't or won't move and neither can you, there's no sense in getting together. I know a lot of people don't have those discussions up front. I personally think it's a great way to not go through inevitable struggles later when you love someone but you have a serious area of incompatibility... and someone will have to give. Great, if you're willing to do it, but it's hell in the meantime while you try to figure it out.

Good luck!
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Old 05-01-2010, 06:25 PM   #56
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Just to add up to this, I had one LDR and it ended up to be very bad. One time, I dis say to my girlfriend of the moment : "What does it mean to be together, when we can't be together physically and mentally!" Two weeks later, it was the end and it was a great loss. For a part of me, it was a loss of time, but for another part, it was the loss of a great love (It really was at the beginning...)...

It made me think about this :

-When you are in love, be aware of the two weeks relationship... (and more with LDR two weeks relationships )

-Prepare yourself for an eventually two weeks relationship and try to get all the best from it before it is done (This worths much more for the LDR!)

I think I'm just cynical as usual XD
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Old 05-01-2010, 08:08 PM   #57
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Two LDRs
I still love them both very much and wish things had been able to continue.
I date both of these men for a few years each.The first ended when my partner died right after we start living together and the second (I met him in dims chat) ended after I flew to England after three years,I guess I was a better fantasy than reality. I think these two relationships are really the most important ones I have had. All the things I desired I found in these two men but I wonder sometimes if a lot of that was in my head. Fantasy can be a powerful thing. Now I prefer meeting men from the internet very quickly. I do not invest much feeling until they make a good amount of effort,I am tired of the 70/30 split,it really sicks for the 70 person!

So I would date a man long distance again but I am not willing to wait years to be with someone... it's just agony.




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Old 05-02-2010, 12:01 AM   #58
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DH and I met online nine years ago. We were only friends, nothing romantic at all, not even when he planned his first trip out here (he was a traveler and has been many places). That first trip, we became romantic friends, nothing more. After several trips back and forth to England, he proposed in 2005. Prior to that, we never considered ourselves a couple, just dear friends. Because he was from England, there were visas to sort out and money to be laid out, so we didn't get married until 2008 and just celebrated our second anniversary earlier this year.

I think what worked for us is that we were friends first, because when the lust is no longer new, shiny, and pretty, you have to have some substance in the way of conversations and mutual interests to take it's place. I also highly recommend visiting each other, meeting each others friends and families to get a sense of who your intended is.

Sure we wondered how our day to day life would be when actually had to spend more than three weeks with each other and see each other not only at our best, but at our worst, smelliest, grossest times too... lol I have to say, that even after nearly 2 1/2 years of togetherness, I couldn't be happier. My DH is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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Old 05-02-2010, 05:59 AM   #59
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Although for me I never had much luck in the whole LDR thing, it doesn't mean it can't work. I always like to think that anything is possible, it's whether or not you're willing to put the work into it -- not a guarantee of success, mind you, but I think you have to put a lot of effort into it and be patient for it to work at least on some level.
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:48 AM   #60
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
Maybe it this thread were moved to the sexuality forum?

Good idea....seems like a more appropriate place for personal type ads anyway....which is what the OP came off as being to me.
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Old 05-04-2010, 10:01 AM   #61
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In the LDR I had, after a couple of months it seemed like I was putting in more effort than he was, and that was just unfair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by willowmoon View Post
I always like to think that anything is possible, it's whether or not you're willing to put the work into it -- not a guarantee of success, mind you, but I think you have to put a lot of effort into it and be patient for it to work at least on some level.
I believe that this is true for any relationship that you may have, whether it be a LDR or your relationship with your parents.
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:43 PM   #62
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I've had a total of three relationships in my life, and all three began as long distance. They can work, but it's very hard.

I just recently went long distance with my boyfriend of four years after spending the last two years living with him in his parent's house in California (I'm finishing school in MN and he'll be moving here in a year if all goes well). Communication is the key. You have to be there for each other.
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Old 05-05-2010, 05:16 PM   #63
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Glad to see the thread come back to topic after the discussion of tone, and semantics.

There are some general guidelines for long distance relationships that mirror any other "romantic" relationship, that the parties mutually agree on the intensity and pace of the relationship. If they don't, someone will "push" and the other will feel "pulled". Regardless of distance, that can cause problems.

You should both agree on the quantity and quality of communication between each other. For example, do you want to message each other while at work? Do you communicate via Facebook? Will you Skype, and if so, will you use a webcam? If you commit to talk at a certain date or time, keep your word and do so, or if you can't, shoot your partner a message letting them know. It's a matter of respect. Don't leave them in the dark. More important, if you don't keep your commitment, pony up an apology. If your partner is forgiving, it's water under the bridge.

You should also have a casual visit schedule. Who visits who, and when. Just like communication, keep your word. These times, due to the distance, should be special! If your partner flies 3,000 miles to visit, make sure they know how much you appreciate that, through both your words and actions. After all, the person who travels thinks you're important enough to go that distance, it's the least you can do, right? Plus, it keeps the relationship progressing, as potential love and trust develop.

Social networking is important. Nearly everyone has admirers and lovers from previous relationships on their MySpace and Facebook pages. Consider your long distance partner, and watch not only what you say, but what others say on your pages. It's not like if something gets misinterpreted, you can sit down over coffee together and discuss. That's hard enough, now put all those miles between you. Just consider your partner, as if they were there with you as you read a comment made by another on your page, or when you type a comment.

There are many more things to consider in a LDR, but often, the rewards are worth the work. There's no magic formula, the relationships should always be weighed on their individual merits.

Anyone else want to add some advice?
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Old 06-20-2010, 01:28 PM   #64
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Sorry, I have been MIA, but I have had some short training deployments and then when back super busy!
Thank-you for all for gave me some where to start. No, as one mentioned this was not meant to be a personal ad but a question, and I would like to say that I am sorry this thread turned ugly because I discribed a certain type of woman.

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Old 06-20-2010, 02:06 PM   #65
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I have had 2 LDRs that didn't start as LDRs.

The first one I met at a dollarstore and it lasted just over a year and a half. His approach was to bring the most useless gadget in the store and ask me if I think it's a good investment. I had never seen that kind of approach before and it totally won me over. I was only 14 and he was 16 but it went well. He was in my city for the Christmas holidays and would head back to Toronto in 2 weeks. We talked on the phone and over msn a LOT and he made plans to visit me every 2nd weekend. As he was a dancer, this was kind of easy. Then he had to move to Colorado for his father's job and got some dancing jobs of his own. We still talked but obviously it was hard to plan a meet. He came back to visit once when he was in CO. Then he moved to California to start a professional dance career. That made it worse. I couldn't get a hold of him most of the time and it took 2 weeks later to find out he had been in a serious car accident and was hospitalized for some time, where he met a training nurse who was falling for him. It crushed me to hear this girl may take my place, so I ended it after 3 weeks of having to casually hear about her.

The second one was from Europe. Great guy but broke promises and became distant. There was more vibe between us when he was around and he didn't want to put in the effort that I did. Well... It ended with me cutting all ties to him. But he was an awesome kid.

I'm always open to LDRs as many of my older friends have had successful ones and I hope it could be possible for me.
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Old 06-21-2010, 11:46 AM   #66
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I just want to say that this thread made me open a door I had sealed shut very tightly....and I am glad that I did it
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Old 06-24-2010, 04:18 PM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wrestlingguy View Post
Glad to see the thread come back to topic after the discussion of tone, and semantics.

There are some general guidelines for long distance relationships that mirror any other "romantic" relationship, that the parties mutually agree on the intensity and pace of the relationship. If they don't, someone will "push" and the other will feel "pulled". Regardless of distance, that can cause problems.

You should both agree on the quantity and quality of communication between each other. For example, do you want to message each other while at work? Do you communicate via Facebook? Will you Skype, and if so, will you use a webcam? If you commit to talk at a certain date or time, keep your word and do so, or if you can't, shoot your partner a message letting them know. It's a matter of respect. Don't leave them in the dark. More important, if you don't keep your commitment, pony up an apology. If your partner is forgiving, it's water under the bridge.

You should also have a casual visit schedule. Who visits who, and when. Just like communication, keep your word. These times, due to the distance, should be special! If your partner flies 3,000 miles to visit, make sure they know how much you appreciate that, through both your words and actions. After all, the person who travels thinks you're important enough to go that distance, it's the least you can do, right? Plus, it keeps the relationship progressing, as potential love and trust develop.

Social networking is important. Nearly everyone has admirers and lovers from previous relationships on their MySpace and Facebook pages. Consider your long distance partner, and watch not only what you say, but what others say on your pages. It's not like if something gets misinterpreted, you can sit down over coffee together and discuss. That's hard enough, now put all those miles between you. Just consider your partner, as if they were there with you as you read a comment made by another on your page, or when you type a comment.
There are many more things to consider in a LDR, but often, the rewards are worth the work. There's no magic formula, the relationships should always be weighed on their individual merits.

Anyone else want to add some advice?

this is very good advice (in bold)... just out of care and respect for the other person

you could add Dims and similar posting places to that list, as I have seen quite a few people saying they are together on here publicly

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Old 06-25-2010, 05:22 AM   #68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfer View Post
Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!

Surfer

With my experience, they can work BUT it takes so much from both parties! If both are willing to work hard @ it and both really commit it can work. It is very hard though, not many longdistance relationships survive because ppl tend to give up easy! Determination, honestly, passion, patience is a MUST.

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Old 06-25-2010, 08:27 AM   #69
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I've done one LDR before, and I'm working on one now. They seem to work out well for me because I am the type of person that honestly enjoys solitude and doing my own thing. If someone is in my face constantly, that's where the trouble begins for me. So I totally think that they are doable. The key, as always, is open, honest communication. I try to be completely honest with my partner about my wants, needs, and expectations, and I want to know theirs. If we're not on the same page, it's better to know now.
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:19 AM   #70
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Default Just my 2 cents approximately 2 months later

Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfer View Post
Yes, it is very true, those type of girls are waiting, especailly when you are an officer like I am. You really have to watch.
Surfer
Surfer...have you ever stopped to think that maybe---just maybe there may be a big beautiful bundle of joy that makes more than you, and wants to be with you JUST for you? I make loads of cash but have no one to share my rewards with...maybe you should look at some women with more of wanting to be with YOU rather than what you can give them...

Oh and by the way...if you know of any other Nashville Men, that are willing to freeze their "nackers" off in the wintertime...send em north to London Ontario...Canada
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Old 06-25-2010, 12:58 PM   #71
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Communicate well
(stay hopeful
and dedicated, honest &
be respectful)

Be yourself and
let your potential partner be them-self also
communicate well - (be a good talker and listener)
mix up the conversation
and be a sweet and caring person full of wondrous surprises

Also ...

you can't always learn it all; the huge multitude of facts about
each other in one session, nor should you try.
space it out. let the magic evolve and remember to
give each other some needed space.

Be considerate and don't always smother each other
with the VERY looooooong chats or talks over the phone.
Enjoy short chats or talks as well.
Mix it up.

There will be good days and bad days for either of you.
Be supportive.
Show that you care and take initiative to
listen to each other.



cherish everything and realize that its
hard work to make a LDR happen and takes
a great deal of commitment.


stay sweet!


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Old 06-25-2010, 02:43 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfer View Post
Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!

Surfer
So...is the real issue that you don't think you can find a physically attractive woman where you currently live, or that you think you'll be taken advantage of?

I grew up in a Navy town so I do know about the marry-into-military mentality. But if you meet someone off base you don't need to tell them precisely what you do, right? If someone catches your eye and you start a chat and she asks what you do for work just keep it vague until you know her better...tell her you work for the government. That sounds boring, even.

Lots of people of all shapes and sizes and ages have had successful LDR's, so it's possible. A woman that meets you online though could be just as into that marry an officer mentality anyway...I know I'm rambling but I hope I'm making sense lol
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Old 06-28-2010, 10:33 PM   #73
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Smile Just My Thoughts On The Original Post

Relationships, long distance or otherwise, are difficult and require work on the part of both parties in order to last.

That being said, it is possible for long distance relationsips to work, but they by far require the most effort in order for them to succeed.

Just my two cents on the topic.

Good luck, Surfer!!
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:17 AM   #74
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One of the challenges of the LDR for many is just leaving, to return to where you came from.

Often, it feels like breaking up, and every time you visit, you again run the risk of feeling that breakup. With time, you may get beyond that, but you truly need to be emotionally prepared for that feeling when you get in your car, hop on the bus (Gus), or get on the plane to head back.
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:53 AM   #75
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One of the challenges of the LDR for many is just leaving, to return to where you came from.

Often, it feels like breaking up, and every time you visit, you again run the risk of feeling that breakup. With time, you may get beyond that, but you truly need to be emotionally prepared for that feeling when you get in your car, hop on the bus (Gus), or get on the plane to head back.
This is so true. I know from my own experience that it was absolutely heart-wrenching and painful every time my long-distance love and I had to say good bye and go our separate ways, which is why I said in my earlier post that I feel like if a LDR is going to work, a plan has to be set in place pretty early on to make it non-long-distance as quickly as possible. I just think that the longer it drags on, the harder it is to maintain any kind of emotional (or obviously physical) intimacy, and I think that two people can only take so much of that heart-ache from having to say good bye and be apart for so long; after a while you just grow numb.
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