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Old 05-18-2010, 08:05 AM   #26
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What to do when you just feel lonely?
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:33 AM   #27
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I try something creative, chat to friends online, watch dvds, read a book, if I am having a very low time its junk food and soppy romance novels or movies lol totally depends I always try to keep reasonably busy and that sure helps, oh and pumping up the music and singing and dancing around is often a great cure
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:37 AM   #28
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What to do when you just feel lonely?
Good question. I'd be interested to hear others' responses to this too. Loneliness seems to be a part of the human condition, though, and even people in relationships or marriages feel lonely - it's not a single person thing only. (Though, I do think we have a different kind of loneliness to deal with that married/partnered people don't.)

I used to feel lonely a lot more often, and a lot more intensely. And I would do the whole self-blame in the midst of loneliness thing - telling myself, "The reason you're alone is that you're too [fill in the blank with any kind of deeply insulting word] so no one wants to be around you." So I'd abandon myself in the midst of loneliness, which would result in an even worse loneliness. After working on that, and some of the underlying issues there, I've gotten to the point where I can just realize that hey, everyone feels lonely sometimes, it doesn't mean I'm defective, and I can still hold onto my sense of self-worth in the midst of those feelings, knowing that they will pass.

Part of this was just learning to enjoy my own company. That was a big step.

But yeah, so now when I feel lonely there are a lot of responses I may have to deal with it. It'll depend on whether I think it's more helpful to stay with the feeling for a bit, and explore and befriend it, or whether it would be better to get my mind off it and into something else. That's just a discernment on a case by case basis.

If I want to stay with it and explore it, I may: write in my journal, work on writing a song related to how I'm feeling, sit and reflect, etc.

If I want to get it off my mind, I may: call a friend, go exercise outside, sing at the top of my lungs, or find some kind of hands-on activity to engage in.

Kind of a long response, I know, but I've done a lot of thinking about loneliness...
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:59 AM   #29
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I've had periods of deep loneliness. I moved to the east coast for work. My job isn't full of social people and I had no friends, and no family, on the east coast. It was a brutal 2 years. Then I met some friends. Then my main friend, who has borderline personality disorder, dumped me cold (she dumped friends every year or so; I made it 5 years. Amazing!). Anyway, what I realized is that I had nothing to do and no one to do it with. And I'd just sit, and feel very, very lonely. And over time, I did meet more people and make more friends, but always through some effort of my own. I think that's how it should be. We're not 5 anymore; we can't just play with the neighor kid because our backyards join up! Anyway, I got invested in several different types of activities (a pottery studio, graduate school) so that, if one or 2 failed, I'd still have something I could do, even if it was alone. And having committments made me actually treasure the time I was totally alone, at least to some extent. It took time and effort, but I was able to make some improvements. But man, there were some reallly ugly times, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think I'd have more times like those in future. I think it's cyclical.
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Old 05-22-2010, 09:14 PM   #30
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i know im not a woman, but still, when you feel alone, do something in your comfort zone, watch your favorite movie, go to your favorite place, thats what i do
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Old 05-23-2010, 11:20 AM   #31
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I am really appreciating and needing this thread right now, so I wanted to say a sincere THANK YOU SO MUCH to all you who are responding. Very helpful responses.
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:08 AM   #32
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appreciate each guy for what he's good for. not everything has to be a relationship.


if he is a good friend

if he is fun to talk to because he is an ego boost and nice to flirt with

if he makes you feel sexy

if he makes you laugh



maybe the most important of all, have a relationship with yourself and behave towards yourself the way you wish that your perfect guy would. take yourself out. do interesting things with yourself. love and appreciate yourself for your looks and inner beauty and intelligence. be proud to be with yourself.
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Old 05-24-2010, 05:49 PM   #33
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What to do when you just feel lonely?
I very rarely get lonely, honest. That's almost crazy, gees. When I do though I pack up some stuff and go stay at my mums. She'll drive me crazy soon enough and I'll be begging to go home but she's my calming influence when I'm down and out.

The craziest thing I do sometimes is go to a lecture. Yeah I'm a wild woman but around this city there are always free lectures going on at libraries, museums, colleges, etc. Sometimes they take a small donation but most times it costs zero to attend. You'd be surprised how many people love to hear themselves talk and enjoy an audience while doing it. They'd pay you to come if there was funding for it. My favorites were the talks at Radcliffe Women's Institute. Bring your own coffee and wear an interesting pair of earrings, scarf or hat. It gives people an 'IN' to start a conversation with you about how they like your _________ if you're shy about approaching people. Anyone is welcomed to go and there's usually an odd selection of folks there. I have lifelong friends from some of these things. Anyway, that's what a loser like me does when she feels lonely.

Also check out meetup.com. There are tons of meetups around the US on any number of subjects. Connect with others who are into what you're into or sponsor one yourself. They're great.
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Old 05-24-2010, 07:18 PM   #34
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Can I just say I masturbate a fuckin' lot?

Also, I dunno how i feel about the title of this. I've only been not-single for like a few 2-month or shorter stints. and i don't feel like being single for me is "surviving"... i'm just me. haha
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:14 PM   #35
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Can I just say I masturbate a fuckin' lot?

Also, I dunno how i feel about the title of this. I've only been not-single for like a few 2-month or shorter stints. and i don't feel like being single for me is "surviving"... i'm just me. haha
I resonate with all of this. Great way of putting it in the second paragraph.

And, on the first note, I've been feeling a bit stressed and depressed lately, so I decided today that I needed to buy a massaging showerhead. You know, for relaxation...
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:53 PM   #36
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I resonate with all of this. Great way of putting it in the second paragraph.

And, on the first note, I've been feeling a bit stressed and depressed lately, so I decided today that I needed to buy a massaging showerhead. You know, for relaxation...
Of course! Cleanliness is next to Oh My Godliness.
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Old 05-25-2010, 04:01 AM   #37
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my darlings...i am single and loving it. here are some of the things that i employ being a single gal...

-put on lipstick everyday. or really anything that makes you feel fantastic. if you feel good the world will see it! putting off a positive vibe will make you more approachable.

-flirt! even if it is a harmless glance if you notice his/her hotness...let him/her know it! even if he/she has no interest in you, just like girls, boys like to be noticed too. plus you would be surprised how many flirt back. flirting is just fun!

-make time to go to social events. you can't meet people if you don't go out!!! there are lots of social sites (like dims!) that plan events. try meetup.com you can find a group from just about any interest in your area! don't go thinking you HAVE to meet someone. just go to have a good time and see what happens. even if it is a movie alone..never know who may sit next to you!

-you can usually spot a creeper 10 miles out. if they get as far as a date...just remember it is only a date. keep the pressure low and conversation casual. that is what dating is for...to sort out the keepers.

good luck you you darlings...now go out there and enjoy life!!!
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Old 05-25-2010, 05:35 AM   #38
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Once or twice a year I have a cry day. This is a day where I sit at home surrounded by good food and dvds and books and just weep I've mentioned this before somewhere on here but honestly I cannot stress enough how incredibly helpful these days are for me. Its like opening a pressure valve and letting all that frustration and anger and pain and resentment and self pity out in one fell swoop. I cry literally all day then pass out and wake up rejuvenated, ready to take on anything life chooses to chuck my way. That is, quite honestly, how I deal with the sometimes frustration of going through a couples orientated world alone.

On a day to day basis I think its important to do things that fill you with passion and joy. I read, I write, I dance, I watch movies, I go out, I eat out alone, watch movies alone. I'm obsessed with various TV dramas and so spend hours of pure bliss lost in those shows. I volunteer my writing skill for Childline so a large and very rewarding amount of time is spent helping out here. My family are so, so important to me and my niece is truly one of my best friends in the world and I spend hours with her. We have sleep overs and make mud pies and bake cakes and argue and watch the simpson and pretend to be Rhianna LOL! I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are a blessing. And then there's nature. I drive out of the city sometimes, just down the highway with absolutely nothing but veld on either side and just let myself breath. A walk in the park, a swim, an ice cream in the sunshine - thats the kind of thing that keeps my soul warm and me happy. Find the things that you love and surround yourself with those then you'll be fine.
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Old 05-25-2010, 05:48 AM   #39
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Once or twice a year I have a cry day. This is a day where I sit at home surrounded by good food and dvds and books and just weep I've mentioned this before somewhere on here but honestly I cannot stress enough how incredibly helpful these days are for me. Its like opening a pressure valve and letting all that frustration and anger and pain and resentment and self pity out in one fell swoop. I cry literally all day then pass out and wake up rejuvenated, ready to take on anything life chooses to chuck my way. That is, quite honestly, how I deal with the sometimes frustration of going through a couples orientated world alone.

On a day to day basis I think its important to do things that fill you with passion and joy. I read, I write, I dance, I watch movies, I go out, I eat out alone, watch movies alone. I'm obsessed with various TV dramas and so spend hours of pure bliss lost in those shows. I volunteer my writing skill for Childline so a large and very rewarding amount of time is spent helping out here. My family are so, so important to me and my niece is truly one of my best friends in the world and I spend hours with her. We have sleep overs and make mud pies and bake cakes and argue and watch the simpson and pretend to be Rhianna LOL! I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are a blessing. And then there's nature. I drive out of the city sometimes, just down the highway with absolutely nothing but veld on either side and just let myself breath. A walk in the park, a swim, an ice cream in the sunshine - thats the kind of thing that keeps my soul warm and me happy. Find the things that you love and surround yourself with those then you'll be fine.

hmm thinking I need one of those, today has been a mega low day and I spent a good part of this afternoon trying to stop myself from bawling my eyes out for no good reason other than being sick and run down, and just darn frustrated with what has been happening lately, but have been spending this evening doing the girly stuff you know washing my hair ect and feel somewhat better well at least I am well groomed lol

I am lucky I do have some amazing friends even if they dont live close to home, who absolutely make me realise now very blessed and lucky I am to have people who care very deeply about me and my wellbeing.
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Old 05-25-2010, 11:29 AM   #40
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Things I Do To Survive Being Single:

Dress Up – Even if it is to run to the grocery store. I do my hair, my make-up, and find the cutest outfit I can (that’s clean anyway lol).

Smile – It’s contagious!

Express Yourself – Whether it is to a friend, your teddy bear, or a diary. Cry, Laugh, Scream, Paint a Picture (or a mess lol).

Get Out and Do Something – Go somewhere. If you get outside, you are bound to meet someone; a new friend, new love interest, a creepy old man. Who knows? Take a walk in a park, or go boating. Visit someone you haven’t seen in awhile.

Join some kind of class – Knitting, sewing, painting, pottery, home improvement, etc. Atleast you will have people with similar interests around you.

Sometimes I will get together with a couple of my girlfriends who are right about the same size as me and we will do a clothes swap. Once we are done, we sometimes go out for coffee or drinks (depending on the time of day).

As far as being lonely – It rarely happens to me, but when it does, I go out and get away from it all. I think of the little things in life that make me happy. My cat, my small but great circle of friends, COFFEE, etc. That’s about the time I realize that I have control on what happens in my life and I control my destiny. My life is what *I* make it.
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Old 05-25-2010, 11:42 AM   #41
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This is actually one of the best ways I have found to deal with loneliness:

Go love someone else! When I'm feeling lonely and isolated and sorry for myself, I can take a step back and realize that loneliness is the human condition, and so many people are dealing with the same thing. So I'll think of someone I know, either closely or peripherally, who is struggling in some way or another, and do something kind and surprising for them. Especially maybe someone who doesn't have a lot of friends or connections, for whatever reason.

One time, for example, there was a girl I knew who didn't have very many people in her life, and had a pretty gruff exterior toward most people (including me). She had been sick with this really bad cold for like 3 weeks. One night I was feeling super sorry for myself, and then just decided that what I could do would be to go buy her a little care package for her cold and drop it off for her. So I bought some juice and lozenges and tea and a little card and whatnot and went and dropped it off for her. That seemed to really brighten her night, and it made me feel a lot better too.

I think it's good to care for ourselves and go do things we enjoy, but I've found that one of the best ways for me to really feel more connected and less lonely is to get out of myself and go care about someone else.
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Old 05-26-2010, 02:41 PM   #42
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You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.

That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.
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Old 05-31-2010, 05:32 PM   #43
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I don't know if this thread makes me happy or sad. I'm happy that everyone is coming together. I'm sad to think that other ladies feel the sad lonely sometimes.

I used to joke that I'd end up alone because it ran in my family. I have a great aunt and an aunt who are both single. I remember, as a child, finding my aunt's old magazines with personal ads circled in the back. I felt so sad for her even then because I never knew until that moment that she desired to be with someone.

Now, I'm my aunt... except there are no personal ads to be circled and found. I don't let a single soul know how lonely I am and how much I desire a relationship. I've dated lots and had two long term relationships that lasted over 5 years... but I haven't done SQUAT since 2006.

The more time that passes, the more lonely I get and the less likely I am to feel hopeful about meeting someone.

It's a vicious circle.

For what it's worth, I do the same things ya'll do and suggest them as well... pamper yourself... find a place online to go and chat... watch a funny movie... or even daydream.

If I get totally pathetic lonely... I start to imagine what my life would be like if I married Ludacris or Zac Efron or George Clooney. Not a proud moment... but it gets me t hrough the night.
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:41 PM   #44
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You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.

That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.
that is soo true both my major long term relationships I have ended up feeling lonlier than I ever felt on my own

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Sorry the title of the thread was just an off the cuff one wasnt meant to offend anyone sort of tongue in cheek really
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:21 AM   #45
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that is soo true both my major long term relationships I have ended up feeling lonlier than I ever felt on my own

hugs



Sorry the title of the thread was just an off the cuff one wasnt meant to offend anyone sort of tongue in cheek really
Thanks, spiritangel! I am blessed to be in a wonderful relationship right now, coming up on our first year anniversary. I have no idea how this happened.
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Old 06-01-2010, 08:01 AM   #46
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Hugs Butch as a very good friend says to me we sometimes need to kiss many frogs before we find the right prince for us, and enjoy it, dont take it for granted you are lucky, and in love and that is an awesome thing
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Old 06-03-2010, 11:58 AM   #47
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You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.

That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.
I have to say I could have written this. From day 2 of my marriage I felt this way...and it lasted 7 long years. I feel that being alone and single now is so much better than the hell of a lonesome existance with someone who isn't passionate about you in any way. I'd rather be alone than be despised.
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Old 06-03-2010, 05:46 PM   #48
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more tips

Must be feeling very good about myself lately I have actually been buying sexy underwear for the first time ever did not know it existed in SSBBW sizes in affordable prices thanks ebay

so buying yourself something that makes you feel good


taking time to be grateful for what you do have is important as well

and occupying your time with useful stuffs I find is another good one
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Old 06-08-2010, 12:29 PM   #49
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Default Questions for wiser single gals:

So I have been going out a lot, with girls from Dims and what not, and I had a few questions for those that may know better than me.

How do you feel about approaching a guy? It seems like I have been noticing a lot of cute guys around me, but no one ever seems to approach me. I know its because I am super shy and I tend to attracted to those guys that seem shy as well. Is it okay to just go up to a guy at a club, or other social setting? And if I did, what would I say?

I'm not really afraid of rejection - I am just shy around guys, mostly because I don't have the experience that everyone else seems to have.

Does anyone have any tips?
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Old 06-08-2010, 12:56 PM   #50
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So I have been going out a lot, with girls from Dims and what not, and I had a few questions for those that may know better than me.

How do you feel about approaching a guy? It seems like I have been noticing a lot of cute guys around me, but no one ever seems to approach me. I know its because I am super shy and I tend to attracted to those guys that seem shy as well. Is it okay to just go up to a guy at a club, or other social setting? And if I did, what would I say?

I'm not really afraid of rejection - I am just shy around guys, mostly because I don't have the experience that everyone else seems to have.

Does anyone have any tips?
This is the oldest trick in the book and by now is pretty transparent. It's what my mom used to bag my dad at a club over 40 years ago. You go up to the dude, smile and say, "Wow. You look *just* like this dude I know from *Kookamunga!" Small pause, give him a chance to say something. Then hold out your hand and say, "I'm Bettie!" He shakes your hand in return saying, "I'm Horace." Then you reach for your friend or whatever and say, "This is Maribel and that's Alexx." Hellos are exchanged.

This should be enough to get things started. From there you can say, "So were're you from?" etc. if the conversation leads there. A few things could happen. He will either appreciate the offer of friendship and go with it, he might be interested in one of your friends and not you, he might see through the whole ruse and being that he's not interested will make up a story about waiting for a girl/boyfriend or he my have horrible B.O., be a letch or some such then. You can then politely excuse yourself by smiling and saying, "Well ok then! It was nice meeting you, have a great night! " and move on. This is a great way to meet people in general but it works on guys too. The worst that could happen is he's a serial killer. Good luck!
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