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Old 05-31-2010, 01:36 AM   #1
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Default Choose your battle. Fat vs. Gay?

Hello everyone,

I wanted to get everyones opinion on this, as we all come from different backgrounds, sexes, weight status, etc.

First off, I would like to say I am a gainer/encourager. But this is a personal view on my life, not an opinion on anyone elses.

I commonly tell people, when they ask me, "Wow coming out as a gay guy was a hard battle." Well...no it really wasnt. However, I am only 26 and I realize that maybe my age has something to do with it.

However, I found that coming out as a guy who loves being this big, massive guy was more of an issue. Honestly, It is astounding as how many people flame you for loving being fat. However, if you tell them your gay its like okay, well do you have any fashion secrets? Is Will and Grace your favorite show? LOL

Being fat, advocating "obesity not being an illness", defending who I am, has taken alot out of me. Ive made medical and personal sacrifices about my choices in life. Ive shortened my lifespan probably about by 10 years.

However, like many transexuals I have talked too, you have to be in the body that is right for you. This huge, 400 lb body is the right thing for me. And it goes against all societal standards.

Ive gotten the, you do this for attention thing, someday youll wise up thing. However, I wonder if obesity wasnt linked to heart disease. Then what would people say?

Everyone has to hate someone, unfortunately. :-(

Anyway, thats me. So the big question is this to all of the larger gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexuals out there:

IF you had to choose only one battle in life, whether its fighting to be fat or fighting for your sexuality, which one would you choose?"
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:50 AM   #2
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If obesity is linked to heart disease, well, there have been many studies linking male homosexuality to increased risk for venereal disease and early death. Yet they don't say anything about that. It's not about disease. Alot of the gay community is very anti-fat too.
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:45 AM   #3
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Anyway, thats me. So the big question is this to all of the larger gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexuals out there:

IF you had to choose only one battle in life, whether its fighting to be fat or fighting for your sexuality, which one would you choose?"
I'm MTF TS, not fat, but attracted to BBWs.

I started HRT at 21(2 years ago now) and will be on it my whole life. It may very well shorten my lifespan. I am at higher risk for breast cancer, heart attack, stroke, thromboembolism and more; and that's aside from the societal bullshit that transpeople get to deal with.

If I had to choose, without a doubt, it would be for my gender identity. I know it sounds weird, but I don't think your average fat person has to deal with as much shit as your average transperson. I'd rather have both be accepted and not discriminated against, but how many fat people have been raped and murdered just because they are fat. Similar case for GLB people.
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:54 AM   #4
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If obesity is linked to heart disease, well, there have been many studies linking male homosexuality to increased risk for venereal disease and early death. Yet they don't say anything about that. It's not about disease. Alot of the gay community is very anti-fat too.
I think Sarah Silverman said it best:

Oh please Steve's gay. It's not like he's talented or into the arts, he just likes to sleep with men.

(clearly paraphrasing b/c I can't remember the quote or find it online)

Basically, whilst gay, bi or trans; you are just as likely to be an ignorant asshole as the rest of the population.
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:54 PM   #5
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I totally understand you regarding the struggle with gender identity. Ive had friends who I have known who not only struggle within themselves, but with others as well. And yes, there are many documented cases of people getting murdered due to sexual orientation/preference. I dont think many people have been murdered over being obese (although knowing our society Im sure its out there...).

Again this thread is just to see what types of battles people would prefer to choose, perhaps somewhere we could share all of our stories. With me, like I said, Ive had more of a struggle getting people to accept me as a big person vs. being gay.

For some, it may be the other way around. Its a forum so we can all discuss what we have been through.
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Old 05-31-2010, 05:10 PM   #6
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I totally understand you regarding the struggle with gender identity. Ive had friends who I have known who not only struggle within themselves, but with others as well. And yes, there are many documented cases of people getting murdered due to sexual orientation/preference. I dont think many people have been murdered over being obese (although knowing our society Im sure its out there...).

Again this thread is just to see what types of battles people would prefer to choose, perhaps somewhere we could share all of our stories. With me, like I said, Ive had more of a struggle getting people to accept me as a big person vs. being gay.

For some, it may be the other way around. Its a forum so we can all discuss what we have been through.
I understand completely. I sometimes come across as harsh online, but I rely a lot on context and physical cues that just don't transfer. So carry on thread; I'm curious as to what others have experienced.

I guess that I didn't say the most important part. I would personally pick the queer issue(whatever it may be) over the weight/size issue.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:35 PM   #7
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I understand completely. I sometimes come across as harsh online, but I rely a lot on context and physical cues that just don't transfer. So carry on thread; I'm curious as to what others have experienced.

I guess that I didn't say the most important part. I would personally pick the queer issue(whatever it may be) over the weight/size issue.
Oh no, I didnt take you as harsh or anything :-) I just wanted to express myself about the entire thing. Sometimes people make threads to try to tick others off. I just want to see what others deal with and see if I can relate.

Ive had some struggles with other people and my gayness. Some people dont feel comfortable with it. I have grown so accustomed to the "love me or F### off lifestyle". lol :-p
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:09 AM   #8
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Since nobody at all tracks violence against fat people, how do we know fat people aren't getting beaten, raped, or killed because they are fat? If a violent person is attacking you and, for example, calling you a 'fat bitch' the entire time they are attacking you, no one will be marking that down as a hate crime, and if they do, it most likely would be a gender based hate crime focusing on the use of the word 'bitch,' and not 'fat.'

I'm not trying to say that fat people are as vulenerable to violence as trans people are, but I am saying we have no idea about the levels of violence that are at least in part motivated by anti-fat hatred because no entity is tracking this.

Personally, I don't think I've ever had someone verbally assault me for being queer, but I have had people verbally assault me for being fat. I've never been subject to physical assault (thank god). So, for me, it has been much more of a struggle to assert and maintain my fat positive identity than my queer positive identity. Granted, I've lived my whole life in a pretty liberal and tolerant area, which is the main reason I've not had a lot of overt problems with my queerness, and I imagine if I grew up and lived somewhere more conservative and more homogenous, then I imagine I'd have experienced a lot more overt queer hate.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:09 PM   #9
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I would pick the size issue, but then I think this is because I dont feel like I fit in very well in the LGBT community. I'm bi, and I've just had some very unfortunate encounters with some lesbians who made me feel very uncomfortable and isolated, so I dont like going into gay bars or actively socialising in that community. The fat acceptance community, however, is somewhere I feel I belong.

Also, of all the people who know about my sexuality very few have a problem with it, and I've never been discriminated against because of it in the straight community. Probably because as I'm currently single my sexuality isnt obvious wheras my fat definately is and its something that people seem to feel is OK to come and challenge me about.

On the other hand, to take high school as an example, I was isolated, bullied, had stones thrown at me, was kicked, punched and pushed and stabbed with scissors because I was fat and geeky. However the only out lesbian in my year had it far far worse. I remember her getting banned from the physical education for "her own safety" because the girls would beat her up if she went in the changing rooms.
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:05 AM   #10
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I would pick the size issue, but then I think this is because I dont feel like I fit in very well in the LGBT community. I'm bi, and I've just had some very unfortunate encounters with some lesbians who made me feel very uncomfortable and isolated, so I dont like going into gay bars or actively socialising in that community. The fat acceptance community, however, is somewhere I feel I belong.

Also, of all the people who know about my sexuality very few have a problem with it, and I've never been discriminated against because of it in the straight community. Probably because as I'm currently single my sexuality isnt obvious wheras my fat definately is and its something that people seem to feel is OK to come and challenge me about.

On the other hand, to take high school as an example, I was isolated, bullied, had stones thrown at me, was kicked, punched and pushed and stabbed with scissors because I was fat and geeky. However the only out lesbian in my year had it far far worse. I remember her getting banned from the physical education for "her own safety" because the girls would beat her up if she went in the changing rooms.
^That is so typical of UK schools "blame the victim" mentality.
God forbid the school post a teacher in the changing rooms to stop bullying.
Ugh.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:12 PM   #11
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^That is so typical of UK schools "blame the victim" mentality.
God forbid the school post a teacher in the changing rooms to stop bullying.
Ugh.
Agreed. Ever have someone tell you when you were bullied just to "stay away from them"?

Y'know, it was so obvious that I'd never thought of it before. :P
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:57 PM   #12
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That reminds me of when I was in middle school. I was having some issues with the other kids because my mom was poor and I could not afford high quality clothes. After one month of complaining about getting my ass handed to me everyday, the counselor pulled me into her office. She told me that maybe I would not get picked on as much if I wore better clothes. I picked up her candy dish on the desk and threw it at the wall.

Needless to say after that things were handled in a more...timely fashion :-D
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:37 PM   #13
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Agreed. Ever have someone tell you when you were bullied just to "stay away from them"?

Y'know, it was so obvious that I'd never thought of it before. :P
Or to "ignore them." Ye gods.

That said, as I stated on another thread: When I came out to my father as not entirely hetero, he was unfazed. I don't think he'll ever accept my being an FFA.
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Old 06-05-2010, 09:21 AM   #14
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Since nobody at all tracks violence against fat people, how do we know fat people aren't getting beaten, raped, or killed because they are fat? If a violent person is attacking you and, for example, calling you a 'fat bitch' the entire time they are attacking you, no one will be marking that down as a hate crime, and if they do, it most likely would be a gender based hate crime focusing on the use of the word 'bitch,' and not 'fat.'

I'm not trying to say that fat people are as vulenerable to violence as trans people are, but I am saying we have no idea about the levels of violence that are at least in part motivated by anti-fat hatred because no entity is tracking this.

Personally, I don't think I've ever had someone verbally assault me for being queer, but I have had people verbally assault me for being fat. I've never been subject to physical assault (thank god). So, for me, it has been much more of a struggle to assert and maintain my fat positive identity than my queer positive identity. Granted, I've lived my whole life in a pretty liberal and tolerant area, which is the main reason I've not had a lot of overt problems with my queerness, and I imagine if I grew up and lived somewhere more conservative and more homogenous, then I imagine I'd have experienced a lot more overt queer hate.
I'm pretty sure you're right on the anti-fat-violence not being tracked as well as not being treated as a hate crime. I live and work in one of the most conservative areas of MI. My bias is showing, and I don't mean to devalue the advancement of fat acceptance.

Earlier on in transition I got my POS daily car assaulted with rocks just stopped in a s***ty side of town(they yelled anti-trans expletives or I wouldn't have known). That was nice. I also got told by more than one relative on my dad's side that if I ever come see them again that they'll kill me(lucky that dad is the only liberal, and very at that!).

I thought about killing myself when I was a little kid and had a pretty good idea how I would be treated as a TS if I ever came out and transitioned.(My view was that I could try to transition and if I felt worse I could always end it then, turns out I'm a lot happier.)

A lot of glbt worry about what people will think, and more often than it should happen, it does. Societal pressures f*** with people, whether it's fat, queer, race, etc. I really don't like ranking importance, because to each disenfranchised person, each set of accompanying issues (tons more than the three I listed) has a different importance. I carry the torch for GLBT issues because they are the ones I am going to suffer the most violence for. I try to be sympathetic to other's issues and plights but I don't know and on most issues I never will.
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Old 06-05-2010, 03:50 PM   #15
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I'm pretty sure you're right on the anti-fat-violence not being tracked as well as not being treated as a hate crime. I live and work in one of the most conservative areas of MI. My bias is showing, and I don't mean to devalue the advancement of fat acceptance.

Earlier on in transition I got my POS daily car assaulted with rocks just stopped in a s***ty side of town(they yelled anti-trans expletives or I wouldn't have known). That was nice. I also got told by more than one relative on my dad's side that if I ever come see them again that they'll kill me(lucky that dad is the only liberal, and very at that!).

I thought about killing myself when I was a little kid and had a pretty good idea how I would be treated as a TS if I ever came out and transitioned.(My view was that I could try to transition and if I felt worse I could always end it then, turns out I'm a lot happier.)

A lot of glbt worry about what people will think, and more often than it should happen, it does. Societal pressures f*** with people, whether it's fat, queer, race, etc. I really don't like ranking importance, because to each disenfranchised person, each set of accompanying issues (tons more than the three I listed) has a different importance. I carry the torch for GLBT issues because they are the ones I am going to suffer the most violence for. I try to be sympathetic to other's issues and plights but I don't know and on most issues I never will.
Thanks for your response, and especially for your last paragraph, it is so true. Wise words, and ones we should all remember when we think of the multiple ways we are classified and judged by others.
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:22 PM   #16
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^That is so typical of UK schools "blame the victim" mentality.
God forbid the school post a teacher in the changing rooms to stop bullying.
Ugh.
They do that in the UK too?!
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