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Old 06-01-2010, 02:52 PM   #1
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what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?

is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable?
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Old 06-01-2010, 02:57 PM   #2
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Is it wrong that I laughed at the thread title a little?

But yeah, shit happens, relationships end, the circle of life, yadda yadda...
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Old 06-01-2010, 03:12 PM   #3
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If someone from the community asks for input, and they have laid out some of how they operate, it pretty much means that they will get feedback, and some will not be what they want to hear. People break up. People also have patterns, some of which they never want to see, but would rather believe that there is some outside force damning them. There is no one size fits all scenario. If you don't ask for ' help ', you don't see the higher ground stuff.

" I don't find her/him attractive "..." I find fault with every person, and I never want to think about why that is, but please give me feedback "....different stuff. The first person can be called shallow, whatever...but at least it is honest at the end of the day. They will find out how that is working for them...or not.

I usually think it is the best thing to ' dump ' someone if you won't/can't get past what you, at the time at least, need in your life. Just don't ask for opinions. Just do the dumping and stop the neediness.

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Old 06-01-2010, 03:55 PM   #4
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I've been dumped.

I have dumped.


Open doors are good things to keep in a relationship, I have found. I talk about "keeping an open door relationship" with any man that I go out with more than twice. It's important to me.

So......I understand if someone wants to cut me loose. It's how it's done that can be cruel.


I usually take a long time to make the decision to dump a guy because I figure what's done is done. That's also how I am after being dumped.....as in I don't take back any guy that asks me back after dumping me.

In short: nothing wrong with dumping someone but be sure it's what you want. There is no take-back once you drive a nail into something though.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:10 PM   #5
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"You must spread more reputation around before giving amy more to Green Eyed Fairy."

So much wisdom in so few words, and so much compassion showing through them. So good to read.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:22 PM   #6
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i think the problem is that we have a bizarrely tight social circle, anything that happens to anyone around here is news, and if it involved TWO members of our community ENDING A RELATIONSHIP well then HOLY SHIT let's spread it around.

it's like when someone who gets dumped talks to their friends, and you have all the same friends.
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Old 06-01-2010, 07:38 PM   #7
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"You must spread more reputation around before giving amy more to Green Eyed Fairy."

So much wisdom in so few words, and so much compassion showing through them. So good to read.
Indeed. I repped her for you. Someone else should pitch in too since I'm a lightweight in the rep department!
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Old 06-01-2010, 08:58 PM   #8
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i think the problem is that we have a bizarrely tight social circle, anything that happens to anyone around here is news, and if it involved TWO members of our community ENDING A RELATIONSHIP well then HOLY SHIT let's spread it around.

it's like when someone who gets dumped talks to their friends, and you have all the same friends.
It's not just the gossip thing, depending on how the relationship ended there's the potential of really tense relationships within that circle of friends that you share.
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:27 PM   #9
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i've never understood the mentality of trying to talk people out of other people. i love gossip, love it. but it's all stories. not everyone's experience with a person is great/shitty. you can't will other people to have that same experience that you had with someone, and that makes some people so mad.
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Old 06-01-2010, 10:01 PM   #10
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I think it is more how it is done, I mean my recent ex expected to come for one last visit, have sex dates and all the perks then walk away with happy memories and I wouldnt have a bar of that, I think it depends on the people involved but letting someone know on messenger or msn rather than at least a phone call after 5 years is not gonna make me want to be friends with you ect

there are polite ways to do it and its never easy but at least talk it through and be civil and polite (that might just be me)
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:38 PM   #11
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Sooooo...who got dumped?? ehehe!
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Old 06-02-2010, 05:08 PM   #12
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i'm sorry your mom had to find out this way
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:18 AM   #13
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what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?

is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable?
Sorry for ignoring the rest but I just wanna comment on your last to questions. I think both are correct. I think there are very valid reasons for moving on, like when the relationship is harmful and abusive with little to no hope of repair. I also think you can absolutely loose attraction but that is something that can be changed. Often it means taking a step of forgiveness or letting some "infraction" or judgement go. Just as frequently it means trust needs to be restored to a relationship. Loosing attraction isn't some sort of magical thing. Its not a switch that just happens. Even if it feels like it was instant my own experience says its usually a build up of negative thoughts and feelings associated to other person.

If any of what I said makes sence and you want to know more try reading this book, Leadership and Self-Deception. Often when someone is judgmental, nasty, and unpleasant its stems from a unconscious form of self-deception meant to protect their ego or ideas of self.

Now if you really want to know why people hang on to unhealthy relationships...I don't know I don't even want to spend the time thinking of all the possible reasons. It certainly know is easier to just realize there are a lot of great people out there who are very compatible with you. You just have to get past the fact that they won't be EXACTLY like your last relationship...and hell if your last relationship bombed, why would you even want that?
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Old 06-04-2010, 12:14 PM   #14
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i'm sorry your mom had to find out this way
My mom Exile??? My mom!! ahaha!
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Old 06-04-2010, 12:40 PM   #15
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I think that some people take such offense to being dumped no matter the social circle. From what I've noticed here is that a lot of the ladies (and gentlemen) meet their partners online. Everything is fine and dandy online and then shit starts to hit the fan once they meet up a couple times and everything isn't what it seemed to be. I think that we hear a lot of bitching about it because its acceptable here. You see one person whine about getting dumped, so whoever else gets dumped follows suit. If no one ever talked about getting dumped and no one consoled those who did talk about it- then we wouldn't have the issue. I actually think its because there are the "relationship counselors" here and they enable it. Thats what it is.
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Old 06-04-2010, 01:58 PM   #16
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I think more people in this community need to learn the difference between their private and their public business. I'm never going to say no to finding out the dirty on somebody's life. Its no even malicious, I just really enjoy other people's drama - so why don't those people learn to keep it to themselves??? This isn't about the fat community in my opinion, its about the fact that people aren't drawing a clear enough line between what's appropriate for the internet and what should really, really remain behind closed doors.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:33 PM   #17
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ok whatever...who got dumped?
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Old 06-06-2010, 10:06 AM   #18
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I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.
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Old 06-06-2010, 10:26 AM   #19
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I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.
I think it's really easy to be judgemental about these situations if you're not in them. Of course everyone gets dumped at some point, but it's reasonably going to affect people differently depending on the situation.

CNN did a piece on this, but i honestly do think it's possible to get addicted to a person or to a relationship. If that's the case, being deprived of that relationship or of contact with that person may have some sort of physiological affect on you, not a whole lot different from deprivation of a drug, cigarette or ability to shop or gamble. "Turning psychotic" may be an innapropriate but understandable reaction.

While we all understand you can't, and shouldn't rely on a partner for your self esteem, the fact is some people's self esteem is based at least in part on a partner's approval and positive reinforcement. Taking that approval away can be damaging. The need for love and companionship is a strong need; humans are social beings. When somebody is deprived of that their reaction may not always be totally "sane". Somebody who grew up fat or who was bullied or teased for their appearance might be even more vulnerable to losing a source of approval and positvity.

On a practical level, a fat person may have been a social outcast, may have encountered closet FA, or may have perennially been a class clown or in friend zone or told that a crush "doesn't think of you that way". The less romantic/sexual success somebody has had, the more difficult a breakup might be. There are tons of posts on here from people who said they didn't date until late in life, lost virginity late, were in abusive marriages because they thought nobody else would want them, etc. If you've had limitted success, it's not that easy to think you're going to find somebody else.

With FAs, they may not have come out until later, and it's possible they were with partners where they did not feel a strong connection or were constantly with partners where they knew it was not "the one". A young person may feel peer pressure to not be with a fat person, so the first relationship with a fat partner may come later and thus be as difficult for an adult as a teenage breakup might be.
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Old 06-06-2010, 10:42 AM   #20
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Forgot this in the above post, but some breakups are totally unexpected. Obviously not referring to a casual dating situation here, but with a longer term thing, somebody will likely have a strong sense of security in the relationship. If somebody is suddenly dumped and didn't see it coming or thought everything was fine, that breakup can really rock a person's self confidence. They may wonder what was wrong with them for not seeing it or not seeing that the partner was unhappy. They may lose a broader sense of security with the world as large and start to think that nothing or nobody is reliable or dependable.

There also may be tertiary benefits a relationship provided that are now going to be gone. That can be anything from social status to money to lifestyle. Losing something you've depended on can be stressful as well. I know of at least two men who felt super guilty over divorces/breakups with partners that in one case a man gave his ex their house; he just moved out. In another he moved out but kept paying the rent because he felt bad and knew her income would not cover it. In those cases, the women not only lost partners but now had to worry about where to live and potential reductions in lifestyle.
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:23 PM   #21
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Forgot this in the above post, but some breakups are totally unexpected. Obviously not referring to a casual dating situation here, but with a longer term thing, somebody will likely have a strong sense of security in the relationship. If somebody is suddenly dumped and didn't see it coming or thought everything was fine, that breakup can really rock a person's self confidence. They may wonder what was wrong with them for not seeing it or not seeing that the partner was unhappy. They may lose a broader sense of security with the world as large and start to think that nothing or nobody is reliable or dependable.

There also may be tertiary benefits a relationship provided that are now going to be gone. That can be anything from social status to money to lifestyle. Losing something you've depended on can be stressful as well. I know of at least two men who felt super guilty over divorces/breakups with partners that in one case a man gave his ex their house; he just moved out. In another he moved out but kept paying the rent because he felt bad and knew her income would not cover it. In those cases, the women not only lost partners but now had to worry about where to live and potential reductions in lifestyle.

On this same note, I have also seen people that simply "gave the ex everything" because they didn't want to prolong contact/fighting/break up with haggling over material items. They were willing to walk away from everything they had/worked for just to be free.

Some relationships are just that bad, I suppose. Personally, I can certainly understand the emotional exhaustion and draining that would make a person do such a thing. Tired of the fighting and bullsh*t, you simply do whatever it is you need to do to avoid any more of it.
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:54 PM   #22
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I think it's mostly selfish reasons at play here, speaking only for myself. On one side I've got a crazy wacked out overly needy friend who thinks anyone who dumps her should die a horrible death. She makes awesome cupcakes though, and has an 'IN' with the attorney general's office. The other guy? Just some hapless schmo who dated the wrong person. I dont care how nice he is or how sincere his reasons. There are cupcakes at stake here. Schmo isn't worth being disconnected from my tasty social circle. When I need moral support to go with me to Probate Court Schmo is going to be too busy rooting through the other half of my social circle to give a crap about what happens to me. He is on his own and my loyalty goes to those who are most loyal. It's what friends are for.
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:57 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
I think it's mostly selfish reasons at play here, speaking only for myself. On one side I've got a crazy wacked out overly needy friend who thinks anyone who dumps her should die a horrible death. She makes awesome cupcakes though, and has an 'IN' with the attorney general's office. The other guy? Just some hapless schmo who dated the wrong person. I dont care how nice he is or how sincere his reasons. There are cupcakes at stake here. Schmo isn't worth being disconnected from my tasty social circle. When I need moral support to go with me to Probate Court Schmo is going to be too busy rooting through the other half of my social circle to give a crap about what happens to me. He is on his own and my loyalty goes to those who are most loyal. It's what friends are for.

This logic is quite sound
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:59 PM   #24
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I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.
Agreed.
I've have dumped. (Really hated / hurt to do so).
And I have been dumped. (Ouch.)
Not going into a psychotic fit about it, and dealing with very strong feelings without resorting to all kindsa nastiness towards the ex - well, that's just part of being a grownup. IMO.
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Old 06-15-2010, 06:58 PM   #25
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I have been dumped more than I have dumped someone else.

I dumped my 1st girlfriend because I wasn't allowed to date at the time, and I was around 14.

After that, I never really dumped anyone. I had a rocky relationship with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, I did break up with her once but after that, she broke up with me. Not too much a problem though

I prefer to be the one being dumped, because then I do not place sorrow or grief on anyone, I would rather bear that burden myself.
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