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Old 06-16-2010, 06:06 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Gspoon View Post
I have been dumped more than I have dumped someone else.

I dumped my 1st girlfriend because I wasn't allowed to date at the time, and I was around 14.

After that, I never really dumped anyone. I had a rocky relationship with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, I did break up with her once but after that, she broke up with me. Not too much a problem though

I prefer to be the one being dumped, because then I do not place sorrow or grief on anyone, I would rather bear that burden myself.
I think this comes from having a kind heart. That being said, knowing that you must have a kind heart, then I suspect you might be able to appreciate what I'm next going to say.

Dumping someone is not the most unkind thing you can do.

Your post reminded me of people that do things in unhappy relationships to end it yet never actually say the words. Instead, they leave the other person no choice but to end it because of something hurtful they have done.

That type of behavior has always struck me as being cruel and even manipulative.

If you want out of a relationship, honesty is best. Sure, truth hurts but other things can hurt so much more.

Just felt the need to say that to you because you are a young man starting out and perhaps you are interested in another perspective
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:31 PM   #27
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sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:44 PM   #28
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sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone
True, provided that person comes to understand the reason for the dump. Some don't, and when that happens, it often causes hard feelings, which doesn't place learning or betterment on anyone.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:51 PM   #29
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sometimes the someone is yourself
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Old 06-16-2010, 08:37 PM   #30
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what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?

is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable?
i never quite understood the big deal about dumping or being a dumpee. on the whole there is just way too much drama about something that should be a simple friendly "we just don't fit". after all hopefully you're dealing with someone you like appreciate and have a high opinion of anyway. i guess that would also make them a friend? feeling disappointed is one thing but actually being angry with the person is something we really need to examine.

any reason someone has that makes them feel like not being with someone in a relationship is acceptable. who said you have to sign your life way just because you were once interested in someone? it doesn't have to be some big honking value judgement. if it is dramatic its because someone has ego issues and not because they've been seriously done wrong. no one owes anyone themselves. all they owe you is not to be disrespectful of you and to be straight about the interest coming to an end.

as for the initial statement about being social outcasts i think it depends on the person. if people feel like social outcasts then that would definitely feed into it. i've never felt like a social outcast and have always dated even as a teen so i really can get with how people might feel about the teen angst that seems to be displayed by a lot of adults in the community. thats yet another reason i don't date in it. its all just too much when all you want to do is have a date, flirt a little, have some fun and get to know somebody. the opinions of his friends and her friends always seem to be out there pressuring people. so many ignorant eyes and ignorant opinions judging you that way as a grown up adult isn't an attractive situation.

i've always felt any opinions feelings etc... should just be between you and the person. when you allow others or bring others to involve themselves in your pending relationships too much they are doomed to fail anyway. i usually run from guys who have a big bunch of nosy judgmental friends. its okay to be social but its a mistake to give friends too much importance in your intimate relationships. if they are really your friends they'll give you and the person you are interested in a break.

i don't know if its a fat thing or an american thing but my european friends have always said that they found americans to be really intrusive when it comes to other people's relationships. i would have to agree for the most part. we don't have any boundaries and we don't understand what privacy means. maybe we need to learn. but i do feel that fat fear has something to do with it. the whole idea that fat people are desperate outcasts scares people and makes them behave abnormally and immaturely. so maybe if we actually changed the assumption of abnormality we have in our own community people would behave a bit more normally for their ages.
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:01 AM   #31
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sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone
sometimes the someone is yourself
Quoted for truth....
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:25 AM   #32
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On this same note, I have also seen people that simply "gave the ex everything" because they didn't want to prolong contact/fighting/break up with haggling over material items. They were willing to walk away from everything they had/worked for just to be free.

Some relationships are just that bad, I suppose. Personally, I can certainly understand the emotional exhaustion and draining that would make a person do such a thing. Tired of the fighting and bullsh*t, you simply do whatever it is you need to do to avoid any more of it.
I was one of those people. I had 11 month old daughter and was pregnant when I left and I had nothing, nothing....totally broke.
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Old 06-17-2010, 04:55 PM   #33
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There is no right way to dump someone. Sure sometimes there are perfectly logical reasons such as spousal abuse, drug addictions, lack of job to support a family and a few others....but there had to have been a reason why you're in that relationship to begin with.

The last girl I dumped, I regretted doing it months later because they weren't for the above mentioned reasons but in the long run it made me better to learn from my mistakes.

Being dumped hurts, and depending on how close you were to someone it could hurt A LOT. Make sure if you enter a relationship with someone, that you're prepared for anything.
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Old 06-18-2010, 04:14 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by exile in thighville View Post
sometimes the someone is yourself
Agreed. Whether you're dumped, or a relationship ends by mutual decision, people often find themselves hitting the relationship rewind button, examining their actions, as well as those of the other person.

The smart person who does this with an open mind, provided the can "own" their contribution to the breakup, can often improve their performance in the next relationship they enter.

For those who won't take the time to reflect, they're often doomed to repeat the same actions again and again, typically with the same results.
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Old 06-18-2010, 05:52 AM   #35
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While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.
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Old 06-18-2010, 11:13 AM   #36
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While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.
This, to an extent. People fall in and out of love, it happens.

Despite that, there are 2 players in the play, and if the body of work known as their relationship ends, even if they fall out of love with each other, or if another person enters the life of one of them, it would still be wise to examine the relationship. Let's be honest, if the relationship was wonderful, would the other person be open to another relationship, or falling out of love so easily?

For me, there isn't typically only one thing that causes a relationship to end. Dr. Phil (not me) often talks about the 80/20 rule, meaning that if the other person in the relationship is "perfect" for you 80% of the time, you can negotiate the other 20%. So, it seems to me it would be wise to examine at the end to see if you or the other person didn't give the 80 percent.

I've often contacted past relationships to apologize for the parts of the relationship that I have learned contributed to its demise. While the other person in the relationship may not care about that contact, it becomes important to me to express it, as an acknowledgment that I was wrong about some actions, have learned from it, and can move on.
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Old 06-18-2010, 12:51 PM   #37
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True, but at best you might examine why you were in the relationship in the first place, but not necessarily believe you did anything wrong.

As far as contacting a former partner, i'm not sure that's always the best idea for the other person. I mean if you were there because you felt too guilty to break up, or thought you would not find somebody else, is it really a good idea to call the other person and apologize for staying with them when you really weren't happy? If somebody was unhappy about a breakup, hearing from the person who dumped them might be hurtful.
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:33 AM   #38
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I've stayed out of this conversation because I truly haven't had that many long term relationships to qualify as having a valid viewpoint. Speaking only for myself though I would never break up with someone simply because they did something I didn't like. I would just tell him that I didn't like something, it hurt my feelings, it was embarassing, etc. A breakup usually consists of irreconcilable differences where there really is no wrong doing involved. We just didn't get along on something and either I or he felt that it wasn't going to work. In the case where someone is abusing you or sleeping around or something it would seem the inevitable breakup would be self explanatory. In many cases though you might be better off not knowing.

This is a confession so to speak. I stopped seeing someone because he has a cat. Yes it's true. He loves this shit-assed cat and I hate them and am insanely allergic. Drugs and sprays simply don't work and even if they did, I don't want to live my life taking all this stuff to keep up with an animal that I don't like. I didn't want to tell him that because he loves this dang-assed cat so much and I knew it would make me look like a piece of shit. This world is overrun with cat lovers but I simply can't help it. It was a strong enough reason for me, I really am painfully allergic. I mentioned once or twice in the beginning that I didn't like them but he was like, "NO, not my cat! My cat is wonderful and not like all the others. I'll vacuum." When we hung out my throat and sinuses would be so raw the next day. There was cat all over him all the time. I don't know, I just didn't want to tell him. It would have been too dramatic and he would have gotten angry grandstanding to protect his cat's honor.... he just doesn't understand. I told him I was seeing someone else which wasn't true at all. But I'd rather him think that than put him through something over this cat. People can be funny sometimes and get very attached to their animals. But you see there, there's no self reflection necessary on his part. There was nothing he could have done. I chose not to say anything about it. Maybe I'm evil but I don't see why that would have made much difference in the long run. It would not have made either of us better people in my view.
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:46 AM   #39
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While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.
Well, that's true. But if you offer your apologies feely for wrongs done, not because you expect anything from the ex... Nor even in the belief that it could've "fixed" things, but - simply cos they are someone you love(d) and want them to know that you understood that x, y, z you did wasn't good and you're sorry for it.
Well, it does no harm, to either of you.
And maybe it'll do both of you good...
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