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Old 06-22-2010, 04:39 PM   #1
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Default Dimension Jealousy

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and a great sex life. My issue is that there are times when he comes to bed with me after looking at some photos or reading stories on Dimensions and they get him "revved up". Am I wrong to care that it's not necessarily me, this time, that sparked the passion? I know I can't be all things to him, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm a good companion and lover, but I will never be 700 pounds, or eat until I can't leave the house.

Thoughts??
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Old 06-22-2010, 09:43 PM   #2
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I think it's safe to say we all have fantasies that are better left as fantasies than pursued as goals, and weighing 700 lbs. and eating until you can't leave the house sounds like one of them where your relationship is concerned. The best way to eliminate any doubts, confusion or future disappointment is with a sincere talk with him about it. I'm sure you will be able to vanquish your fears and become closer as a couple by ensuring you're both on the same page.
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Old 06-22-2010, 10:05 PM   #3
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I think it's safe to say we all have fantasies that are better left as fantasies than pursued as goals, and weighing 700 lbs. and eating until you can't leave the house sounds like one of them where your relationship is concerned. The best way to eliminate any doubts, confusion or future disappointment is with a sincere talk with him about it. I'm sure you will be able to vanquish your fears and become closer as a couple by ensuring you're both on the same page.
I think the Captain said it best-- Open communication is the only way you'll get through this. Chances are really good he isn't actually interested in you embodying such a fantasy, but the only way you'll know for sure is to ask. Good luck to you.
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Old 06-22-2010, 10:19 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by bigtallcutie View Post
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and a great sex life. My issue is that there are times when he comes to bed with me after looking at some photos or reading stories on Dimensions and they get him "revved up". Am I wrong to care that it's not necessarily me, this time, that sparked the passion? I know I can't be all things to him, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm a good companion and lover, but I will never be 700 pounds, or eat until I can't leave the house.

Thoughts??
Speaking from the man's perspective. He's doing anything he can and exploring new things in order to sexually please you.

I would know, I've been in those situations before. He's not reading those stories to get off for the sake of getting off, he's using it as a tool to get ready for you.

Its no different than a woman using a vibrator before hubby comes home from work or something like that.
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Old 06-23-2010, 03:41 AM   #5
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He's not reading those stories to get off for the sake of getting off, he's using it as a tool to get ready for you.
That's basically what I thought
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:18 AM   #6
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He's not reading those stories to get off for the sake of getting off, he's using it as a tool to get ready for you.
So do i think. It's like eating - you can have french cuisine in Beverly Hills, chineese food from the delivery service or the best BBQ with your buddy, but you know where it's still the best - at home when your mother is cooking.
All the stories, all the pictures and all the "posibilities" are nice - but nothing compared to the girl under your blanket...
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:56 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by bigtallcutie View Post
Am I wrong to care that it's not necessarily me, this time, that sparked the passion?
Did I honestly miss the point altogether?

Based on what I read, it's you he seems to be looking for when he's "revved up" and ready to go, so I wouldn't worry about your relationship as far as Dims is concerned. I'd still talk to him about it if I were in your shoes, of course.
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:24 PM   #8
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Default Re: Dimension Jealousy

My wife felt the same way once upon a time and I told her that, "a women is as old as she looks... a man isn't old until he stops looking." I went on to explain to her when I stop looking, that is the time to worry because I either, have found someone else, I am no longer straight or, I have gotten so old that the topic of pretty women no longer interested me!
Since then when my wife sees a woman of whom I would find attractive, she would point her out to me. When it comes to other women, I am just a spectator!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:35 PM   #9
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest responses. I think part of the problem is that I can't really identify what bothers me so much. Or, I don't want to acknowledge that it's just plain ol' jealousy.
When I spoke to him about my feelings he just said that it's something he's done for a while and enjoys, so doesn't want to stop. That it doesn't really have ANYTHING to do with us, our sex life or relationship, except that he's happy he has someone to express those feelings and actions with.
His prior relationship of 10 years, his FA tendencies were unawknowledged and was not a very sexual union. I think part of having a solo sex/fantasy life is hard wired into his system now. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that he is happy and very satisfied with our relationship and sex life, and still needs to look and read things by himself. Where as I don't find the need hardly at all anymore (and I'm no prude...).
I do buy the lingerie, and make the effort, and he enjoys that, but I'm wondering how to integrate the two parts. He is uncomfortable with me "sharing" his dims readings. He gets weirded out, even though I'm very open about my interest or when I try to draw him out.
My other thought was to make some racy photos myself loosely based on photos I've seen him enjoy.
My final thought is, should I just leave it alone? I mean, although we are very close and talk about everything else, I don't have to share EVERY aspect of his brain. A person deserves some kind of privacy, right?
Would I be pushing my need for intimacy and full disclosure over his sense of privacy?
Thanks to all that responded.
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:28 PM   #10
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I know that if I knew my man had just been looking at pictures, and then came to me?....ummmmmmmm....no thanks. Not about insecurities...to me, it is just plain tacky.

OP, it's good you are wondering and talking to him...I would just hope you do not lose yourself. I hope you are making sure you are not the only one ' understanding ' and making the effort with the bells and whistles. You have the right to feel uncomfortable with...whatever...we all do. You will figure out where it is coming from ( and that is not just on your end ) and what, if anything, you want to work on, together. And of course we all have the right to our private selves. You probably have fantasies that you don't tell him about. Heck, you might one day find you want him pointing out all the attractive men he sees - the ones he knows you would like...then you can jump him. He would of course be as open to that...even though we always hear how it is only men who......look.
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Old 06-26-2010, 03:15 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by bigtallcutie View Post
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest responses. I think part of the problem is that I can't really identify what bothers me so much. Or, I don't want to acknowledge that it's just plain ol' jealousy.
When I spoke to him about my feelings he just said that it's something he's done for a while and enjoys, so doesn't want to stop. That it doesn't really have ANYTHING to do with us, our sex life or relationship, except that he's happy he has someone to express those feelings and actions with.
His prior relationship of 10 years, his FA tendencies were unawknowledged and was not a very sexual union. I think part of having a solo sex/fantasy life is hard wired into his system now. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that he is happy and very satisfied with our relationship and sex life, and still needs to look and read things by himself. Where as I don't find the need hardly at all anymore (and I'm no prude...).
I do buy the lingerie, and make the effort, and he enjoys that, but I'm wondering how to integrate the two parts. He is uncomfortable with me "sharing" his dims readings. He gets weirded out, even though I'm very open about my interest or when I try to draw him out.
My other thought was to make some racy photos myself loosely based on photos I've seen him enjoy.
My final thought is, should I just leave it alone? I mean, although we are very close and talk about everything else, I don't have to share EVERY aspect of his brain. A person deserves some kind of privacy, right?
Would I be pushing my need for intimacy and full disclosure over his sense of privacy?
Thanks to all that responded.
Yes to all questions.

Not only do you not have to share everything, it's not fair to expect it. Everyone is entitled to privacy and it's really unfair to pare his need for privacy against your need for full disclosure. If he is faithful to you, and an honest person, what else matters? I totally agree with Kevin that this is no different from using a vibrator or some other means to get aroused; he's doing it to have sex with you, he's not just jerking off to Dims or to a paysite girl instead of having sex.

Could anyone really withstand full scrutiny of what goes on inside our heads, particularly where sex is concerned? EVERYONE has, or has had sexual feelings or fantasies that would be too weird or disturbing to share.
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Old 06-26-2010, 04:20 AM   #12
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I don't think its cool he's checking out Dims and then coming to you and I'd be extremely jealous and upset if I was in your position. Have you told him how it makes you feel? Why does he need to look at images of other women to have sex with you?? I think, when it comes to pornography, couples should watch and enjoy it together. And if one partner is not comfortable with the habit the other needs to get a grip and let it go.
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Old 06-26-2010, 04:53 AM   #13
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I'm gonna agree with Mossy here.

If anyone I was in a relationship with had to read a magazine, or look at pron, or get online to "rev themselves up" for me, I'd be hurt, insulted, and pretty goddamn upset.

"Don't worry, honey, I'm doing this for US!

And when right in the middle of things, they closed their eyes, my first thought would be, what are they "thinking" about?

Yeah, I wouldn't need full disclosure, their actions already spoke volumes.
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Old 06-26-2010, 05:24 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by bigtallcutie View Post
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and a great sex life. My issue is that there are times when he comes to bed with me after looking at some photos or reading stories on Dimensions and they get him "revved up". Am I wrong to care that it's not necessarily me, this time, that sparked the passion? I know I can't be all things to him, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm a good companion and lover, but I will never be 700 pounds, or eat until I can't leave the house.

Thoughts??
Out of curiosity, did you wonder if your boyfriend will read this post -- after all, you did mention that he does frequent Dims.
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Old 06-26-2010, 10:04 AM   #15
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1man,1women? I will never understand this concept. For love, yes I can see, for Sex I'll never understand it, meaning I could definately have sex with a beautiful women who I personally might not like very much.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:14 PM   #16
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Sorry Honey, not buyin' it. <He's not reading those stories to get off for the sake of getting off, he's using it as a tool to get ready for you.> That's like her going onto a site with hard, raging, um, man parts. She gets all hot and she presents herself to her partner, who KNOWS she's been to that site TO get hot ~ to accept her with open arms. Do you ureally think it wouldn't bother him?
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:13 PM   #17
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What I don't understand is, why does he have to use these stories to "get ready for you"? Can't he get ready for you...I dunno...WITH you? Isn't that what we call foreplay?

I'm all for people being able to have their own solo sex lives, and don't begrudge him his fantasy life, but the whole "getting revved up for you" part, but apart from you, is what I'm not loving.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:43 PM   #18
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I would be upset, and yes, even jealous. I want to be the one who "revs" up my partner, not someone on a screen or in a story.

I am thinking along the same lines as Fat.n.sassy, too. Turn the tables, and I don't think he would be so happy if it was you that needed the revving up, before hitting the mattress with him.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:45 PM   #19
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How is this different from the female partner needing a vibrator to have an orgasm?

He's not cheating on her and he's being honest about his needs. Some people will admit they *need* to use a certain fantasy to get off. Some fantasize about somebody other than the person they're with, but they are still with that person. Particularly if he's had a solo sex life for some amount of time, he may just require certain outside stimuli to get aroused, it seems from her description to just be physiological. It's also not as if she's thin and he's using images of fat women to get off. What he's looking at on this site may be very specific stories or pictures that depict very specific situations that he just needs.
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Old 06-27-2010, 01:06 AM   #20
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How is this different from the female partner needing a vibrator to have an orgasm?
A vibrator isn't another person.

I think the unifying complaint here is the need to feel wanted; it's not about what it is that's getting her partner aroused, it's about what it's not: her.
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Old 06-27-2010, 02:17 AM   #21
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Outside stimuli are outside stimuli whether it's porn or a sex toy or a fantasy. He's looking at pictures and stories, he's not cheating or asking to have a threesome.

It's hard to say without knowing her partner, but in some cases, some individuals have very specific sexual needs. Numerous posters on the Weight Board have said they need feederism or weight gain thoughts in order to get off. That is something that goes on inside their heads, it's got nothing to do with their partner. It is just how some minds work. It's possible he's found the only way for him to be aroused is by something or a small number of things so specific that a partner likely can't satisfy. It may be being squashed by a 600 pound woman, it may be body inflation, it may be a fat woman smothering him, it may be some sort of impossible weight gain along the lines of the magic pills or spells that are featured in some fiction. He may be turned on specifically by weight gain as a process, so even if his partner were 700 pounds, maybe he needs to look at paysite comparison pictures or read a story about a woman getting to that weight.

The fact that he might need these outside stimuli is not an insult to her, it's just how he is.
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Old 06-27-2010, 05:43 AM   #22
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Can I just add to this that though, in the past I have used pornography as a tool, not because I want other men but I literally have to watch it and then when I close my eyes it is my husband I am thinking of. My reasons are too long and boring to go into but yes I do need to remind myself that yes, people have sex, and remember how you like doing it with your husband?

Just my perspective.
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Old 06-27-2010, 09:53 AM   #23
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A vibrator isn't another person.
Hey, they are not called BOB...for nothin'.

I agree that it is just a weeeeee bit different. I liken that to a man taking Viagra. If I knew a man was ' hardwired ' ( yawn ) to always need...require...to get images in his head that are so opposite of what and who I am, just to get off with ME ...adios, and don't let your dick get caught in the door on the way out of mah bedroom. That takes things to a whole other place.

It's true it would not be about her. It would be about him and his narrow and boring ability to be sexual with another human being...and not only the thoughts in his head.

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Old 06-27-2010, 10:20 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by LoveBHMS View Post
Some people will admit they *need* to use a certain fantasy to get off.
I have this "fantasy". It doesn't seem realistic, and often have to force it back to the little corner in the back of my mind.......

Oh, my fantasy? Having a woman in my life who respects me, respects the relationship we're in, who doesn't let previous relationships with douchetards cause her to look at the one with me with cynicism, who would remain faithful and respectful, and when she closes her eyes during the sexual part of our relationship, it's because she's remembering something from the last time we made love.

And for all of that, I'd do the same. Quid pro quo, yaknow?
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Old 06-27-2010, 10:43 AM   #25
LoveBHMS
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Originally Posted by wrestlingguy View Post
I have this "fantasy". It doesn't seem realistic, and often have to force it back to the little corner in the back of my mind.......

Oh, my fantasy? Having a woman in my life who respects me, respects the relationship we're in, who doesn't let previous relationships with douchetards cause her to look at the one with me with cynicism, who would remain faithful and respectful, and when she closes her eyes during the sexual part of our relationship, it's because she's remembering something from the last time we made love.

And for all of that, I'd do the same. Quid pro quo, yaknow?
Treating somebody respectfully is a choice, sexuality is not.

I'm not saying this is the case with the OP's partner because we don't know, but it's entirely possible the only way he can get aroused is by thinking about certain things that she can't provide. Look at the fiction section of this board; there are stories about impossible weight gain along the lines of somebody gaining 100 pounds in a day, there are stories about magic pills and spells that cause weight gain, there are stories about immobility.

Passing judgement on somebody for requiring a certain stimulus to get aroused is pointless. I honestly think it's physiological to a degree. If you read Weight Board posts lots of people say they *need* feederism in some form in order to get off. How this comes to happen is anyone's guess. My personal opinion is that fetishism gets imprinted at a very early age and does not go away. I also think it gets cemented masturbation and fantasy because the person realizes that certain images and thoughts are what work.

Try to find even a single weight board post where somebody says they used to be really into erotic weight gain but now it doesn't turn them on at all. It just doesn't happen. So if this is the case with the OP's partner, or he has some other very specific thing that he needs, that's just how he is. It's not an insult to her and i doubt he can change it.
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