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Old 06-22-2010, 05:39 PM   #1
truebebeblue
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Default Trouble getting over an ex... complicated

I was involved with a man I met in Dimschat off and on for 3 years...
He lives in England so it took me 3 yrs to get there to visit.. that also ended things.
Anyway,throughout our relationship we both went through alot of changes.
He was fully closetted when we met but eventually started to be more open about liking fat girls( or so i thought?). I was nearly housebound when we met and very ill. I am 100% better now and I love a completely different lifestyle than I ever imagined.

Throughout all the changes we talked lots and lots always planning a future together. Lots of ups and downs. Well after I finally went to Birmingham it was obvious it would not work.We left the hotel a few times...never going near his home area.. I never met anyone he knew...never got to see his home etc.

Being the person I am (very confident) this made me feel angry and humiliated
on top of devastation that I invested 3 yrs into something that turned out to be a very expensive lesson.

Afterward,He would have been happy to return to our online relationship as it was before...like no real life event ever took place..no thanks. I have moved on but i still think about him every day and it's not just because I miss him.

I also worry that he is lurking around BBW sites,even here chatting up unsuspecting women and possibly leading them to think there is something worth pursuing... when there isn't.I would hate another woman to experience that... So there is this yucky feeling mix,anger,remorse,heartbroken,humiliated,concerned and I miss the HOPE that I had in him... I think it must have been what was left of my youthful romantic side...I don't hate him.. that would be too easy.

SO what Do I do?Will time heal this? Can anyone relate? I am moving on.. I'm having a baby in November and my daily life no longer revolves around communication with him but in the quiet times... I still do think about it.

I really wish you could erase people Ala Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.



True
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Old 06-22-2010, 06:02 PM   #2
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Some parts of your story, I do relate to, and fully. I often worry if the guy I was with that I can't get off my mind is following anything I am... or doing the same thing to someone else that he did to me. And I worry for others and still wish sometimes, when it's quiet and I'm alone, that things could have happened like I thought they were going to happen. I lost a best friend with that, but maybe it was better to end so abruptly. There was, indeed, a point where enough was enough and I realized he may not exactly be ashamed of me, but he may be ashamed of lying to himself if always seen with me.

However, he lives in my area and I do believe he continues to, as well. Family have said they've seen him around and friends have said they ran into him at a mall or a grocery store. In pretty much 2 years since that last time I spoke with him, I haven't seen him at all. Maybe it's for the best.

It's definitely complicated, because of so much invested time only to find out that they aren't ready or proud to be who they should be, and you end up getting hurt in the end. I always thought it was because of the time invested in the relationship that the time after it hurt the most.
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Old 06-22-2010, 06:47 PM   #3
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If you're having a baby in November, it sounds like you've had other things going on as well, which isn't a bad thing (unless it's his?). What's done is done... you don't want to waste any more time on this guy by pining for him. Go out and do new things, create new memories... with a baby on the way I'm sure you'll have lots of great things to fill your time soon enough! Hang in there!
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Old 06-22-2010, 06:59 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truebebeblue View Post
I was involved with a man I met in Dimschat off and on for 3 years...
He lives in England so it took me 3 yrs to get there to visit.. that also ended things.
Anyway,throughout our relationship we both went through alot of changes.
He was fully closetted when we met but eventually started to be more open about liking fat girls( or so i thought?). I was nearly housebound when we met and very ill. I am 100% better now and I love a completely different lifestyle than I ever imagined.

Throughout all the changes we talked lots and lots always planning a future together. Lots of ups and downs. Well after I finally went to Birmingham it was obvious it would not work.We left the hotel a few times...never going near his home area.. I never met anyone he knew...never got to see his home etc.

Being the person I am (very confident) this made me feel angry and humiliated
on top of devastation that I invested 3 yrs into something that turned out to be a very expensive lesson.

Afterward,He would have been happy to return to our online relationship as it was before...like no real life event ever took place..no thanks. I have moved on but i still think about him every day and it's not just because I miss him.

I also worry that he is lurking around BBW sites,even here chatting up unsuspecting women and possibly leading them to think there is something worth pursuing... when there isn't.I would hate another woman to experience that... So there is this yucky feeling mix,anger,remorse,heartbroken,humiliated,concerned and I miss the HOPE that I had in him... I think it must have been what was left of my youthful romantic side...I don't hate him.. that would be too easy.

SO what Do I do?Will time heal this? Can anyone relate? I am moving on.. I'm having a baby in November and my daily life no longer revolves around communication with him but in the quiet times... I still do think about it.

I really wish you could erase people Ala Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.



True
hugs sweetheart. ty for speaking up. this happens much more than people let on and i'm sure you're doing someone a favor by getting it out here. best bet for the girls who are new to this to remember is basically if you've never met someone its best to treat them as though they don't really exist. keep them at arms length until they show dedication or interest enough to come to you. i'll never understand why guys expect women with health problems and size issues to come to them and why they seem to have such difficulty going to see the women they claim they care so much about. leaving it all on us and wasting our time is unfair and selfish. my bros always say that if he is a real man he will come to you--no excuses. he'll take a second job. he'll sell his motorcycle, his video game collection. whatever it takes. he'll take the vacation he never took before at the busiest part of the year no matter how much it urks his boss. . he will find a way if he truly cares. if he doesn't then you know. but we are soft hearted and we want to be understanding. but maybe the person we need to be most understanding toward is ourself. you have a beautiful child coming. you are one lucky woman. and i'm sure there is something much better around the corner for you. you deserve more out of life than a weak sister. there are so many guys like that here on dims. one theory is thats why they often choose someone very far away, so they can play that game when they know they have no intention of ever being anything but a coward. i hope if someone suspects they will PM you and ask.
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Old 06-22-2010, 09:16 PM   #5
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This is one of the reasons why I wanted to register.

About two years ago I broke up with someone - and it was hard. However, a lot of the things you are saying I can also relate to - and I went through the ringer emotion-wise.

The only thing I can really say is that time will heal it, that people will figure out his games, that if he is trying to take advantage of other girls he'll be found out - and someone else might not be as kind as you are and end up posting personal information.

You're not alone, and you'll be alright. It's already been said, but soon you'll have a lovely baby and this will seem like it was so long ago.
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Old 06-22-2010, 10:00 PM   #6
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thanks ladies. I know I am no where near the only one to experience something like this... and I am really doing awesome 99.9% of the time,that other tiny part just sucks. I am focused on the baby (not his) and making a life for us. It is hard I think being pregnant and single.. it was my choice but It does make me lonely and then my thoughts tend to go to him.My Bf before him died... I just have a string of bad luck I guess. Looking forward.Just needed to vent... he txt me today telling me how I am still his fantasy girl (key wording! FANTASY) Yeah if any of you ladies are involved with someone matching this description and wanna see if it;s the same person just PM me.
Onward!



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Old 06-22-2010, 10:06 PM   #7
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I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so heartbreaking. And congrats on the baby!!

Well, I'm kinda evil, I'd probably put the guy on blast after hearing more than one woman on the boards having the same experience. I've heard several women say the exact same thing about someone they've met right from these boards, but did not give his name. Maybe the ladies should start PMing each other and if it is revealed that it's the same guy, then put him on BLAST!! That will stop his crowardly ass!!

I have no sympathy for any guy who purposely breaks my heart, maybe I'm a bitch for that, but I really don't care. LOL!!!
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Old 06-22-2010, 11:39 PM   #8
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Yeah,if that turns out to be the case I will have no problem telling who he is...I really hope it doesn't come to that because I would much rather this be my problem alone,no one else having to suffer from it.
Thanks for the well wishes

True

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Originally Posted by calauria View Post
I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so heartbreaking. And congrats on the baby!!

Well, I'm kinda evil, I'd probably put the guy on blast after hearing more than one woman on the boards having the same experience. I've heard several women say the exact same thing about someone they've met right from these boards, but did not give his name. Maybe the ladies should start PMing each other and if it is revealed that it's the same guy, then put him on BLAST!! That will stop his crowardly ass!!

I have no sympathy for any guy who purposely breaks my heart, maybe I'm a bitch for that, but I really don't care. LOL!!!
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Old 06-23-2010, 03:32 AM   #9
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I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so heartbreaking. And congrats on the baby!!

Well, I'm kinda evil, I'd probably put the guy on blast after hearing more than one woman on the boards having the same experience. I've heard several women say the exact same thing about someone they've met right from these boards, but did not give his name. Maybe the ladies should start PMing each other and if it is revealed that it's the same guy, then put him on BLAST!! That will stop his crowardly ass!!

I have no sympathy for any guy who purposely breaks my heart, maybe I'm a bitch for that, but I really don't care. LOL!!!
i have to disagree that doing so would be evil. Even if it's done with a hint of vindictiveness, there is no reason to not alert other women if he makes a habit of being mean and disrespectful. i don't agree with talking mess about somebody just to be a jerk, but there is nothing wrong with somebody getting a reputation for being a lowlife if they are in fact a lowlife.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:47 PM   #10
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I went through a bad long distance thing myself many years ago. Met online, fell for each other (when I was young and dumb) and flew to be with him. He proposed and things were great until about 6 weeks later when I find out from his ex wife that he'd been telling her he and I are breaking up and he wanted her to move back in with him. I stupidly forgave him for it when he cried and begged and pleaded for forgiveness but he continued to cheat and add more and more women to the mix. I didn't know of this at first but when I found out it was 5 months later and he'd been cheating the ENTIRE time. I left him and stayed in contact with his ex wife since he'd been playing both of us for fools. He continued to treat women the same way he treated me (kept in contact with people from that area) and became worse and worse over the years. Karma got him, he was arrested for soliciting sex from a teenager online and spent almost a year in prison and speaking with his ex wife recently I found out he's treating his current gf exactly the same as he did me and the others. Can't find every woman in that state and warn them and besides they probably wouldn't listen anyway. Most women want to believe they're different, he won't do it to them, etc etc. He is their lesson to learn and just like I survived, so will they. Your ex is probably running his game on more than one female right now and they're all buying it but every relationship teaches us something so when they discover what an ass he is they'll eventually get over it and be stronger in the future.
Also, I sincerely hope you're ignoring his texts and not giving him the time of day. He doesn't deserve your attention.
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Old 06-24-2010, 08:57 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truebebeblue View Post
Yeah,if that turns out to be the case I will have no problem telling who he is...I really hope it doesn't come to that because I would much rather this be my problem alone,no one else having to suffer from it.
Thanks for the well wishes

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Old 06-25-2010, 06:18 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by calauria View Post
I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so heartbreaking. And congrats on the baby!!

Well, I'm kinda evil, I'd probably put the guy on blast after hearing more than one woman on the boards having the same experience. I've heard several women say the exact same thing about someone they've met right from these boards, but did not give his name. Maybe the ladies should start PMing each other and if it is revealed that it's the same guy, then put him on BLAST!! That will stop his crowardly ass!!

I have no sympathy for any guy who purposely breaks my heart, maybe I'm a bitch for that, but I really don't care. LOL!!!
maybe we need a facebook "Don't Date Him Fat Girl" that way no one gets booted off dims or has their posts deleted. everyone can be as open and as straight as they like and name names if they want to. your posts can get deleted here even if you don't name names and someone not even the perp outs himself. to avoid that i think we need our own place.
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Old 06-25-2010, 06:51 PM   #13
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maybe we need a facebook "Don't Date Him Fat Girl" that way no one gets booted off dims or has their posts deleted. everyone can be as open and as straight as they like and name names if they want to. your posts can get deleted here even if you don't name names and someone not even the perp outs himself. to avoid that i think we need our own place.
That's brilliant. Someone should do it.
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:24 AM   #14
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Thi is an awesome Idea... only thing is we would definitely get vindictive women posting things that are not true to hurt an ex...I think it was attempted before and there was a big old mess.


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That's brilliant. Someone should do it.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:25 AM   #15
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Thi is an awesome Idea... only thing is we would definitely get vindictive women posting things that are not true to hurt an ex...I think it was attempted before and there was a big old mess.
I'd take that chance...
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Old 06-26-2010, 02:33 PM   #16
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" Thi is an awesome Idea... only thing is we would definitely get vindictive women posting things that are not true to hurt an ex...I think it was attempted before and there was a big old mess. "

Yeah, those kinds of boards sound good on the surface but turn out to be mostly places for people to unleash their inner psycho, so it totally blows any credibility they might have.

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Old 06-28-2010, 09:12 AM   #17
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your posts can get deleted here even if you don't name names and someone not even the perp outs himself.
And even if no one would know who you're talking about if the perp *didn't* out himself! I have to tell you, after that annoyed me, it tickled me. I mean, you can't write comedy gold like that, it just has to happen on its own. ANd thank god it always will!

I do sometimes really dislike how incestuous Dims is. It's like we're all sleeping in the same big, giant bed, in a writhing pile, with pies thrown in. And maybe some peeing.*


*i keep thinking of that one guy's ad that is looking for 'pee-in-bed' activities. I've never known what those activities are. You either pee in the bed or you don't. How do you make an activity out of that? I mean, MORE of an activity? I don't know and I guess I'm probably not going to find out.
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Old 06-28-2010, 10:49 AM   #18
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...that way no one gets booted off dims or has their posts deleted. everyone can be as open and as straight as they like and name names if they want to...
I wouldn't be so comfy thinking that.
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Old 07-07-2010, 05:06 AM   #19
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maybe we need a facebook "Don't Date Him Fat Girl" that way no one gets booted off dims or has their posts deleted. everyone can be as open and as straight as they like and name names if they want to. your posts can get deleted here even if you don't name names and someone not even the perp outs himself. to avoid that i think we need our own place.
Its funny ... but TRUE!!! Someone should totally do this!!

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Old 09-23-2010, 04:31 PM   #20
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no need.. im here.. true why are you saying this ?? did I ask you for sex, mony or anything els ? did I even ask you to come to the uk although i was glad you did.. as someone said above you must have had things going on to get pregnant like you did. havent been on dims since
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:24 AM   #21
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no need im hear... what a guy cant move on if things dont pan out??
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:32 AM   #22
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did I even ask you to come to uk although I was glad you did. did I ask you for anything the whole time ??

what is it you think im looking to gain out of thease women you are warning of me ?? hapiness good times ?? lol get a grip havent been on dims since
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:34 AM   #23
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Bebe, time does heal. I can identify with your story because I have kind of a similar one. Shortly after I moved to LA in '98, I ended a 5-year relationship because the guy wasn't ready for our relationship to grow. The breakup was deeply painful and took me a long time to get over it. In '99, I met a guy online in a music chat group who lived in Canada. We started e-mailing every day. I was still getting over things with the ex and wasn't ready to date or consider having another real-time relationship, so having a guy just to talk with, who lived far away, was exactly what I needed at that moment. At first, things were just friendly with us. But eventually, the more we shared things about our lives, talked about our pasts, etc, our e-mails got more intimate. After 8 months of e-mailing, we finally talked on the phone. A few months after that, we finally agreed to meet. I was finally over the worst of my feelings about the ex and I felt ready to start something real.

I flew to Canada to meet him and spent 4 days there. Unlike your story, there was no closeted FA stuff (at least, none that we talked about), and he had no problems introducing me to his friends. He'd distanced himself from his parents and older brothers years ago, so they weren't part of his life. The first 2 days, he kept me at arm's length, physically, which I thought was strange, considering some of the intimate physical things we'd talked about online. Since it was our first in-person meeting, though, I thought that might account for some of the awkwardness. By the third day, we finally got physical, although I still sensed some hesitancy from him.

When I got back to LA, we continued to e-mail every day, continued to talk about personal, intimate stuff. During the next year, we talked on the phone maybe two or three times. I flew up to Canada to visit him again for the holidays, and things were a little less awkward between us, but not by much. We hung out at his condo, hung out with some friends of his, and again tried the physical intimacy thing, but I still felt like there was some hesitancy on his part, like he wasn't fully invested in the relationship part of what I thought was going on between us.

I returned to LA, and we continued our every day e-mails for another 8 or 9 months. Things cooled off a little in our e-mail conversations during this time, and we had a couple of disagreements where he'd disappear for a week and I wouldn't hear from him online. I finally convinced him to visit me in LA, which he did the weekend of Thanksgiving 2002. Since he'd never visited LA, I showed him around a little, and introduced him to some of my friends. Our physical connection seemed to have reverted back to our first in-person meeting. Even though we were sharing a bed, he seemed very hesitant to take things further, so things were awkward the first two nights. I kind of put the moves on him the third night, but I didn't get much reciprocation from him. He didn't explain why, and I didn't want to push the issue.

When he returned to Canada, we continued to e-mail almost every day, but I could tell our connection was cooling off. Eventually, our e-mails slowed to once or twice a week, and he also revealed that he didn't find LA to be a very attractive place. Over the years, we'd occasionally talked about one of us moving to the other's location. He really wanted to leave Canada and move to the US, but obviously LA wasn't the place for him. Eventually, over time, it became apparent that things weren't going to continue with us. Our e-mails continued to slow, and eventually, we pretty much stopped talking.

The way I see it now, I think he was a lonely guy, looking for an online penpal, which he got with me. I don't think he was really ready for or truly looking for something real...or at least, not with someone who looks like me. I think he realized that he wasn't all that attracted to me when we first met in person, but didn't know how to be honest about it, so he kept things going. He also didn't want to lose me as a penpal. We were better friends than a couple, which neither of us really wanted to acknowledge. The thing is, I was attracted to him and felt romantic feelings towards him...but he didn't seem to feel the same way about me.

After all the talking we'd done over the years online, and all the expectations I'd put into our few, brief meetings, I was deeply disappointed when things didn't work out. Like you, I'd spent years talking with this guy online...only to discover that he really wasn't that into me (to use the hated cliche). I was deeply hurt and angry for a long time. But time eventually did heal things. And looking back on it, I realize that I started things with him because he was what I needed at the moment. He fulfilled a need for a connection with someone, without the messiness of a relationship, and I'd done the same for him. I try not to be so hard on myself about it because it was a very human thing to do. That said, though, I won't do the online penpal thing any more. I learned my lesson the hard way that it rarely leads to a real relationship.

ETA... I wanted to add that I think you're doing the right thing by not continuing to e-mail or chat with the UK guy. That was my problem with the guy in Canada. Even after we'd met in person and he didn't seem fully invested in the relationship, we'd return to our e-mail relationship every time. It kept things going for a lot longer than they needed to. I could have been finding other guys to date, moving on and living my life, but I remained stuck in a holding pattern with the Canadian guy. Obviously, it was what I wanted at the time, or else I wouldn't have been doing it. But we don't always want what is emotionally healthy for us. So I think you're right to end all contact with the UK asshole.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:19 PM   #24
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we met and it never worked out how does that make me an asshole ??
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:03 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nad02 View Post
we met and it never worked out how does that make me an asshole ??
I looked through the thread over an over, and saw that no one had "outed" you. It appears to me that you called attention to yourself.

Like Jes said in her post, this community can be incestuous at times. In the past year, I've split with my wife, and been involved with someone else. Obviously both relationships have ended. I choose not to share details in forums like this because my belief is that these relationships should solely be between the two people involved, and not the rest of the world.

It's obvious that you don't share that opinion, and rather than discussing it with a person that may need to speak with you to get closure, you come on here in an attempt to sway public opinion. THAT is what makes you an asshole, in my opinion.
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