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Old 07-22-2010, 09:16 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by Carrie View Post
I think he's saying the opposite, that it was gratifying when his friends thought his girlfriend was hot.

That's a pretty human reaction, I'd say, MisterGuy. Obviously the most important thing is that we find our own mate attractive, but... yeah. There's a kind of unmistakable strutty feeling you get when you catch someone else giving him/her an approving look.
Ahhhh, ok. When he said "the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs" I thought he meant that it was gratifying to have her NOT ogled. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying, Carrie.

ETA: Okay then, Mr. Guy, question still stands for you.

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Old 07-22-2010, 09:28 AM   #52
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Ahhhh, ok. When he said "the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs" I thought he meant that it was gratifying to have her NOT ogled. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying, Carrie.
Haha, this is becoming like a who's on first situation, B. I added something to my post while you were writing yours, it seems! I went back and re-read and was also not sure about the opposite being true with BBWs thing, so I dunno. Think I'll let MisterGuy clarify for himself since I am clearly not all there yet today.
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Old 07-22-2010, 12:31 PM   #53
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Yeah, sorry, I guess that was a bit unclear. What I meant was--in the context of discussing why "coming out of the closet" is hard for some people and furthermore why people care at all--that as FA-proud and liberated as you can be (and I consider myself pretty FA-proud), it can still feel a bit, I don't know, awkward, going out with a BBW. Because there's such a weird social stigma attached to women being fat, and to a somewhat lesser extent to being attracted to fat women, you often feel silently judged or mocked.

My point was that I have had the opposite experience, of being silently lauded for my partner, and that I felt an unwelcome pride, the same way I have sometimes felt an unwelcome embarrassment or discomfort with a big woman. I would like to develop as a human being to the point where I truly don't give a shit one way or the other, where I don't experience these feelings at all, but I do have them and just have to ignore them.

I should add that this is in no way a poor me post, and I understand that big women have to deal with actual discrimination and prejudice and bullshit on a level 1000x what an FA has to deal with. Just trying to shed some light on the often stupid and always uncontrollable male psyche.
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:58 PM   #54
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Try this one: "You want to know why I'm not married yet Mom? Because I like fat women and you hate them that's why! Skinny women like you make me puke, only fat women can give me a woody! You've made me miserable for my whole life you old dried-up cold-hearted bitch!"
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:19 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by MisterGuy View Post
Yeah, sorry, I guess that was a bit unclear. What I meant was--in the context of discussing why "coming out of the closet" is hard for some people and furthermore why people care at all--that as FA-proud and liberated as you can be (and I consider myself pretty FA-proud), it can still feel a bit, I don't know, awkward, going out with a BBW. Because there's such a weird social stigma attached to women being fat, and to a somewhat lesser extent to being attracted to fat women, you often feel silently judged or mocked.

My point was that I have had the opposite experience, of being silently lauded for my partner, and that I felt an unwelcome pride, the same way I have sometimes felt an unwelcome embarrassment or discomfort with a big woman. I would like to develop as a human being to the point where I truly don't give a shit one way or the other, where I don't experience these feelings at all, but I do have them and just have to ignore them.

I should add that this is in no way a poor me post, and I understand that big women have to deal with actual discrimination and prejudice and bullshit on a level 1000x what an FA has to deal with. Just trying to shed some light on the often stupid and always uncontrollable male psyche.
No problem, and thanks for the clarification! I appreciate your honesty, too. It is certainly something I've wondered about from time to time when I've been in a relationship, whether my partner ever experienced moments like that. I think some have (well, I *know* some have) and some haven't, most likely, depending on a variety of factors.
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Old 07-24-2010, 11:43 AM   #56
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I would try this: "Hey if you don't want to have any grand children, then fine go ahead and keep bothering me, or heck I could easily record this and play it back to you, how would you like that, just drop it and be tolerant. I am who I am."

or

"If you really don't want to see the type of women I date, then you should seriously consider buying me a house and paying for my mortgage, but you aren't going to be able to change my preferences. I won't be going anywhere else, you better accept who I am because I am your child, I never have done anything bad to you."
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Old 07-24-2010, 12:23 PM   #57
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So I hate how the term "coming out of the closet" is so used in this community to describe being able to admit that you like bigger girls.... I really don't see what the big deal is, why must guys make such a huge production out if it. DO WHAT YOU WANT, be you and no one will have a problem with it. I have never come out of the metaphorical closet because I didn't have to, all of my friends know I like bigger girls because of my actions, I have hooked up with them when we've all gone out, I've dated them, anyone can put 2 + 2 together and have it equal oh he like's bigger girls. I mean if someone asks, I'll tell them yea, but really your actions are the bigger deal here, if your really being true to yourself, then you shouldn't have to tell people what you are, just show them and they will know.
The thing is, Knotty, words have meaning, both to you and to the people you're speaking about. So when you actually put your fat appreciation into words and say it out loud, it becomes more powerful for you. I can't really explain why, except to say that there is a connection between the physical act of speaking and the mental process of thinking about those words.

Why do you think so many people in oppressed and minority groups take such pains with the language they use to describe themselves? Why do fat activists so often use the word "fat" when describing themselves and work so hard to reclaim that word from all the negative stereotypes we've been taught to believe? Because words mean something, and words have power.

I've studied different schools of psychological thought and practice for a number of years, and most any psychologist or therapist will tell you the same thing: words have power. That's what makes therapy so powerful: your ability to put into words and say out loud the issues that are true for you, the things you believe in. The more you say them out loud, the more powerful and/or healing they become.

So testify, Knotty, and proclaim your fat appreciation for all to hear, with courage, without shame and without doubt.
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Old 07-24-2010, 01:16 PM   #58
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Where u keeping these men? lol Come on girl share! LOL Yeah I must not be finding the strong ones out there. Everyone guy I seem to run into is more worried about what other people think then being happy themselves.
We must be dating from the same pool of "raggedy" men. There's always something wrong with them.
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:03 PM   #59
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As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..
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Old 07-29-2010, 08:32 AM   #60
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As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..
Just just forward them this post.

Nobody would ever argue that the rest of the coming out stuff isn't hard. Good luck, or if you've done it already good for you man.
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:52 AM   #61
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Just just forward them this post.

Nobody would ever argue that the rest of the coming out stuff isn't hard. Good luck, or if you've done it already good for you man.
I would, but I'll have to make a change to it. This stuff has really been going on my whole life. I just never felt the peer pressure until I was eleven. I've already come out to a number of people. Except a very tiny number of personal friends, and my father.
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Old 07-31-2010, 06:31 AM   #62
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As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..
I can relate to a lot of this, Fox. In my experience, it gets much better with time, especially as you're able to embrace, without doubt, those various aspects of yourself.

I wish you well on your journey.
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:10 AM   #63
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These threads always baffle me. Maybe because It was never a big hurdle for me. None of my friends or family have ever showed a single ounce of judgement, so that probably helped me through the years. For me personally, I was just always attracted to the bigger girls in school since day one so it never crossed my mind that it was strange. No point in deluding oneself to what you are attracted to. You are just going to end up upset and confused. Big Girls are the depiction of beauty and I'm definitely not afraid to show it or tell it.
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:22 AM   #64
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I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes.
To answer your question, why coming out is such a hurdle, I'll give you my experience.

I'm not far from LA/Hollywood/rich people. Naturally there are a good number of gyms, health spas, diet stores and such where I live. You can imagine it wasn't easy growing up wanting to be anything other than anorexic. I don't see big guys with skinny girls all that often. Sometimes the geeky sorts do, but they obviously aren't into fat.

I have to endure a lot of social punishment at the expense of my preference. Everyone from exboyfriends to teenage classmates to that-guy-in-college-I-thought-was-hot would say I'm weird (not in a good way) or too freaky. I never advertised it, so to speak, but I didn't keep it secret until I started dating. The first guy I told (in high school) told everyone, and,well...things went downhill fast. I lost friends and respect among non-friends. Granted, those who left me probably weren't friends in the first place. But it still sucked having to eat lunch alone. This was similar in college, though not as dramatic. Guys (in general) would avoid me when they figured out I was checking out a fat dude.

So yeah...coming out is not an easy thing. My best friend just got a membership at a gym and a personal trainer to lose weight. I respect her decision, but I admit I don't agree with it. I enjoy a good workout but I don't like watching big people shrink. It's like every facet of my life somehow involves fat. All the pressure around me to be the same doesn't make it any easier.

In short, the process of coming out SUCKS.
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