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Old 06-30-2010, 09:12 AM   #1
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Default Fat hate from boyfriend's mother

I don't want to get into specifics here, but how would you handle discrimination because you are fat from your partners parent? I'm not just talking about someone saying 'maybe you should go on a diet' but out and out HATRED, and blatant disrespect because of your weight- right to your face. Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you handle it? I am at a loss right now. I'm in this situation now, my boyfriend's mother was totally horrible to me, and I honestly don't know what to do. I love him, but just can't get over this. Anyone with anything to say, please I can use anything I can get right now!
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:30 AM   #2
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Default Sorry for your situation

Wow, that's a tough one.
IMHO it depends on your bf. How does he deal with his mother's attitude? Mothers and sons have probably argued about the son's gfs from the beginning of time. Some mothers feel like NO ONE is good enough for their little boy - if it's not weight, it's political views, religion, background, family, etc.
In this case, my suggestion would be to be assertive. Stand your ground with her. This is HER problem, NOT yours. Look her in the eye and be proud of yourself. Maybe role play with someone shooting you nasty comments so you can practice clever, assertive responses? Above all, tell your bf it bothers you. Have him deliver the message to her that he loves you, and her attitude toward you needs to change.
Good luck!
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:31 AM   #3
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Oh, and btw you are a BEAUTIFUL girl!! Design your sisters some hot, sexy clothes, k??
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:49 AM   #4
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Wow, that's a tough one.
IMHO it depends on your bf. How does he deal with his mother's attitude? Mothers and sons have probably argued about the son's gfs from the beginning of time. Some mothers feel like NO ONE is good enough for their little boy - if it's not weight, it's political views, religion, background, family, etc.
In this case, my suggestion would be to be assertive. Stand your ground with her. This is HER problem, NOT yours. Look her in the eye and be proud of yourself. Maybe role play with someone shooting you nasty comments so you can practice clever, assertive responses? Above all, tell your bf it bothers you. Have him deliver the message to her that he loves you, and her attitude toward you needs to change.
Good luck!
Thank you! Well he is against his mother, he's defended me till the ends of the earth- hell even his sister and her bf defended me to her. But the thing is, he just wants me to forgive this and act like I'm okay because she apologized. He says she didn't mean it- basically making excuses for her. I understand that is his mother, but I can't even tell you how hurt I am. The woman is somewhat bipolar and has always had some issues in that respect, but it doesn't make it any easier. I did nothing to her, and she said some HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things to me. Its like every kid in school that ever teased me when I was younger all came back and caught up to me. Until I found the BBW world I hated myself, and I've FINALLY come into my own, and feel good about myself and I feel like my self esteem took a huge blow here. I just can't put myself in that situation again to feel bad about myself.

I actually broke things off with his because of this, just because I felt it would be too tough to have anything with him after this. It hurts so much, because I love him alot, but I also can't put myself in that situation again, and even though she said she would never say anything again- I can't and don't believe it. I know he wants to, because that's his mother....but i can't.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:19 AM   #5
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That's horrible.
But somehow, I feel, if you stop being with him because of this, she will have won, she will have gotten what she wanted.

..er.
Maybe that's just me.

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Old 06-30-2010, 10:20 AM   #6
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I hate to intrude on the BBW forum, but one thing I think really worth being clear on: does she truly hate your fat (as in, if you were magically turned thin she'd be just fine with you), or does she have other issues and uses your fat to target you?

That latter case is fairly possible; it is not all that uncommon for mother's to resent son's wives/girlfriends (same issue with fathers and daughters' husband/boyfriends). In this case some come to accept their kin-in-law eventually (especially if their kid makes it clear that their partner is more important to them than their parent, so accept both or lose both), but it often takes years, and some people never do accept them.

In the former case it is better and worse, better because there is some chance that she can be educated to be less of a bigot, worse because it is more personal.

Good luck with getting through this, it is a horrible situation.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:29 AM   #7
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Well, have you talked to him about what motivated her to say such things? I mean, being bipolar is one thing, but not all people with bipolar are fat haters. perhaps there are some serious emotional issues regarding being fat that affect her and because of this experience she is unable to see you as anything other than a threat.

I have noticed that people come up and talk to fat people very differently. For example, you wouldn't come up to someone who had really bad acne and tell them how they can fix it in a very public statement with other people around. But, seeing someone who is fat is like a license to emotionally abuse a fat person in public, under the very misguided guise of "helping them".

I really feel for your situation - perhaps your boyfriend is too quick to make excuses because this obviously isn't his first time making excuses for his mother, and perhaps his shame is so overpowering that he would rather you just look past his mother's actions. You breaking up with him was probably exactly what he expected, because his mother has probably affected his relationships in the past. You don't have to tolerate such behavior from someone, but I'm not sure that dwelling on it will really make it better - obviously her mental illness is impairing her judgement.

I am sorry, its such a hard situation, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this complicated scenario. I hope you can reconcile your boyfriends actions with your own perspetive and perhaps you can continue to love him despite his mentally ill mother.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:39 AM   #8
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My husband's parents died when he was a child and he has no other family except for his brother. His brother hated me even before meeting me specifically because I am fat. He said so. Nothing personal, she's just fat and that's WRONG. Trying to reason with him is like banging your head against a wall so no one bothers anymore but my husband told him he's cut off permanently if he refuses to be respectful. Unfortunately, my husband is pretty wishy-washy with the constant bullshit so I have to get medieval on brother's ass pretty frequently.

He's a chiropractor (currently unemployed) and into every homeopathic natural labeled everything that comes down the pike. In fact, if it ISN'T proven scientifically, he takes it as fact that it must work but the establishment won't accept it because it will solve and cure everything wrong with mankind. I only bring this up because he talks about it for hours and hours and hours until I either walk out (which I don't care to, since it's MY house) or I change the subject which is almost impossible since his mantra is pretty thickly embedded into his psyche.

He's very into nature and is the epitome of a tree-hugging granola crunching hippie (a label he wears with pride), doesn't see the irony of telling Spouse he should eat only organic while chewing on our leftover KFC, yet I find it interesting that with all his 'open-mindedness' and 'oneness with the universe' he disapproves of his brother's choice in a mate specifically because of my size.

He and I have had words when my husband wasn't around (and oh yeah, even when he is around) and at this point he knows he won't win so his tactic for the last few years has been to undermine our relationship by questioning our joint decisions, and even petty things like telling my husband not to buy something I specifically wrote on a list.
He's nearly 50 and has never been in a serious relationship yet when he gets Spouse alone he continuously comments on our marriage...everything.

I know a brother is not the same as parents. Parents hold more sway and can be very controlling and make life miserable. But Spouses brother is his only family, the only remnant left of his original family and was in foster care with him until they both aged out as adults, and he unfortunately exploits that. He frequently pulls rank and my husband falls into 'little brother' mode whenever he shows up unannounced to stay for extended weekends.

If your boyfriend truly cares about you, he will defend you but it can get to a point where he's just tired of being in the middle and it can affect your relationship. Even if you stay together, he may always feel torn and even resentful. Or he may cut off his family altogether.....it depends on him.
I wish you the best.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:17 AM   #9
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I actually broke things off with his because of this, just because I felt it would be too tough to have anything with him after this. It hurts so much, because I love him alot, but I also can't put myself in that situation again, and even though she said she would never say anything again- I can't and don't believe it. I know he wants to, because that's his mother....but i can't.
I just wanted to say that your stepping back like this tells me you really respect yourself. That is to be applauded. Your boyfriend might truly dislike what his mother is doing, but he has probably been apologizing for her his whole life. He has learned how to fit her into his life - and I doubt he has the tools to manage having someone in his life...not when it comes to mom. You say you love him, so this is bigger than ' just ' dating and hanging out. If he wants you to be in his life, he is going to have to get some outside help on how to set boundaries, and figure out his own relationship with his mom. Working on real solutions always feels better, no matter the ultimate outcome. Trust me when I say I know how tough it is. Keep trusting your gut.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:25 AM   #10
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I don't want to get into specifics here, but how would you handle discrimination because you are fat from your partners parent? I'm not just talking about someone saying 'maybe you should go on a diet' but out and out HATRED, and blatant disrespect because of your weight- right to your face. Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you handle it? I am at a loss right now. I'm in this situation now, my boyfriend's mother was totally horrible to me, and I honestly don't know what to do. I love him, but just can't get over this. Anyone with anything to say, please I can use anything I can get right now!
you tell her to her face that with all due respect to keep her hateful comments to herself, that you and her son are fine with how you look and that you won't tolerate being treated like that from anyone, much less an in-law.

and tell your boyfriend to back you up. if he's afraid to tell his mother that she can't treat his girlfriend like shit, you won't be visiting the family with him. you have no need to put yourself into that hostile situation.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:29 AM   #11
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I actually broke things off with his because of this, just because I felt it would be too tough to have anything with him after this. It hurts so much, because I love him alot, but I also can't put myself in that situation again, and even though she said she would never say anything again- I can't and don't believe it. I know he wants to, because that's his mother....but i can't.
i just read this part. that's very sad, especially if he got her to apologize (no matter how sincere you think it was). i'm not sure you should punish him and yourself for this woman's shitty words. clearly she has a problem that's bigger than you if she can't keep from unloading hostility on people regardless of for what.

hopefully you'll get back together and she'll shut her trap in the future.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:48 AM   #12
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Without doing more than telling mom to apologize, then it is pointless to get back together with someone.

His relationship with his mom is older and deeper and more complex to be fixed or even managed by demands. No amount of, " hey, this is MY life " is going to change much of anything, and it only means that in the future...the very near future...more bandages will be needed everytime the boy wants and needs to be around his family, because that call will be powerful ( understandably so ). All he will be able to do is tell mom to apologize...or simply stop being around her, which means the OP will be the dumping ground for all the sadness , and perhaps some anger...misguided anger.

Not visiting the family with him just means that the OP gets to know that more than likely, the mom will have been talking smack about her, and she will not be able to totally believe that her boy is defending her, or wondering how he is doing it....and how often can a person defend, or be OK with being defended for the 100th time.

OP, your boy has a lot to decide. I can't believe this will be a quick process.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:00 PM   #13
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Thank you! Well he is against his mother, he's defended me till the ends of the earth- hell even his sister and her bf defended me to her. But the thing is, he just wants me to forgive this and act like I'm okay because she apologized. He says she didn't mean it- basically making excuses for her. I understand that is his mother, but I can't even tell you how hurt I am. The woman is somewhat bipolar and has always had some issues in that respect, but it doesn't make it any easier. I did nothing to her, and she said some HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things to me. Its like every kid in school that ever teased me when I was younger all came back and caught up to me. Until I found the BBW world I hated myself, and I've FINALLY come into my own, and feel good about myself and I feel like my self esteem took a huge blow here. I just can't put myself in that situation again to feel bad about myself.

I actually broke things off with his because of this, just because I felt it would be too tough to have anything with him after this. It hurts so much, because I love him alot, but I also can't put myself in that situation again, and even though she said she would never say anything again- I can't and don't believe it. I know he wants to, because that's his mother....but i can't.
If it were me, I would tell her off to her face, then tell the bf I won't ever be in her presence again. I would also tell him that I think it doesn't matter if she is sorry or not cause the damage has been done. I would expect him to defend me against her always.

Here's the thing tho, it's his mother. He's probably had to deal with her fat hatred and bipolar personality for a long time. Perhaps there is only so much he can take seriously from her and he probably just shuts her out mentally when she rants cause it's the easiest thing to do other than to just stop seeing her altogether. I wouldn't have broken up with him over it tho. I would just make it clear that she is not to be in my presence ever again. I wouldn't worry either about whatever she says when you aren't around cause if her feelings are that strong, then that's just not something you or your bf or his siblings,or anyone can control. You can however control how you deal with her and your reaction to her.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:53 PM   #14
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The hard part of this is though- we have a LDR to begin with- and he still is living at home for the time being, so when I am at his house, seeing her is unavoidable. Honestly if it wasn't for that, I probably wouldn't have ended things completely. It just complicates the situation. We have been trying to work things out since this happened, and I am even willing to compromise and said that given time I will try to smooth things over, but he wants me to be able to just turn around and be okay with it, and I can't.
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:24 PM   #15
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Fallen, I am sorry you are going through this. The last bit of this post tells me, without a doubt, that this is more about him than it is about you or his mother, or fat hate. He is discounting the effect something had on you...and he doesn't know the kind of man he wants to/can be. Maybe he needs some time to decide and figure it out, without you in the immediate picture.
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:34 PM   #16
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The hard part of this is though- we have a LDR to begin with- and he still is living at home for the time being, so when I am at his house, seeing her is unavoidable. Honestly if it wasn't for that, I probably wouldn't have ended things completely. It just complicates the situation. We have been trying to work things out since this happened, and I am even willing to compromise and said that given time I will try to smooth things over, but he wants me to be able to just turn around and be okay with it, and I can't.
He can't expect you to just forget about it. If he is still living with her...well, if you care about each other, rather if he really cares about you, he will find a way to be with you when she is not around. I just wouldn't ever be going back there and would leave it on him to deal with. It's his mother so the onus is on him. He's got to be able to do the work and take care of business. But again, I wouldn't expect him to give up his relationship with her. You don't have to smooth anything over. It's not unreasonable for you to not want to put yourself in a situation where she could snap at you for nothing. He just has to find a way to deal, and if after a while, he can't find a way to deal with her without asking you to give up your own self respect, then he just isn't equipped to date fat women and then you should move on.
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:57 PM   #17
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all nightcaps temporarily rerouted to your place?
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:14 PM   #18
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all nightcaps temporarily rerouted to your place?
Fallen, yes, that too is also an option, no?
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:33 PM   #19
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Oh Robin, How sucky! Relationships can be difficult on their own at times but then to have this thrown in certainly doesnt help. Believe me, I understand how not being accepted by someone can affect your own self esteem, beliefs and confidence in the relationship. I think, maybe it comes down to how much you both care for and love eachother on deciding if this is an issue you want to at least try one more time to overcome. It wont be easy and I know you wont be able to completely trust his mother but if you decide to give it another chance at least you can walk away not having regrets and knowing you did everything you could. There are always going to be hurdles in life and its cliche I know, but what doesnt break us only makes us stronger. Something I'm also having to rediscover about myself.

Lots of love being sent your way.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:58 PM   #20
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I wish i had wonderful words to offer you but i don't. I lived this, for 15 years i lived it. My mother in law hated me on sight. To her i never measured up to his former girlfriends who were all thin, beautiful etc. We had many horrible fights, she spit on me one time and it took every bit of strength my ex had to hold me back. While we dated she would criticize what i ate, fix meals for me that she thought would be more appropriate, told my ex to make me walk more and exercise. She even forbade me coming through her front door because she was worried that people would see the fat "cow" her son was with.

Yes my ex defended me most of the time , but he was always torn between his mother and myself. He would sometimes say" just lose a little weight and she will be fine". When i had my first child, she cried because she realized her son was tied to me for a long time. After 10 years she mellowed a lot, her health was bad, and i stepped up and took care of her. I did her shopping, took her to the doctor, whatever she needed. Before she had her near fatal stroke, she apologized. It was welcomed and we made peace, but there will always be those bitter memories about that period of time. I don't envy you, i feel when you are in between a parent and the child, you will never win. Good luck!
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:22 PM   #21
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all nightcaps temporarily rerouted to your place?
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Fallen, yes, that too is also an option, no?
I'm trying to make that an option right now. I know its hard for him since we had it worked out that once a month I go there- once a month he comes here- so it will limit us in terms of how much we get to see each other- but right now I told him that's the best I can do. I really think I'm being unreasonable here....idk....we'll see what happens. Its a tough situation.

I want to thank everyone for their input here....it means alot

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Old 06-30-2010, 07:20 PM   #22
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Fallenangel, I wish you the very best of luck with this difficult situation.

My mother in law treated me very badly, and was a huge influence on my then husband. No woman was good enough for her son (and how dare he bring home a fat girl), so she tried to break us up because of it. He swayed between his loyalties toward myself, and to his mum. The arguments were dreadful, both between he and I, and she and I.

Stand your ground, and don't let her break your spirit. I know this is a tough one, but if you can, and if he will support you...be there for family gatherings. I refused to go to stuff because of her, and she was a constant buzz in his ear and it slowly worked it's magic.

For this to work for you two, IMO, you need to always be a united front and you must always come first. Yes she is his mother, but you are his future. Hugs.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:00 PM   #23
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I don't want to get into specifics here, but how would you handle discrimination because you are fat from your partners parent? I'm not just talking about someone saying 'maybe you should go on a diet' but out and out HATRED, and blatant disrespect because of your weight- right to your face. Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you handle it? I am at a loss right now. I'm in this situation now, my boyfriend's mother was totally horrible to me, and I honestly don't know what to do. I love him, but just can't get over this. Anyone with anything to say, please I can use anything I can get right now!
OMG! What a hagfish! How long have you and your partner been together? It seems to me that said partner should damn well be sticking up for YOU! (sorry, that did sound angry didn't it?)

Wow, this is so mind blowing! Have you tried giving it right back to her? Again, I would speak with your partner and adress this issue with him/her (just my opinion).

Good luck! (((Hugs)))
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Old 07-01-2010, 12:22 AM   #24
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If it were me, I would tell her off to her face, then tell the bf I won't ever be in her presence again. I would also tell him that I think it doesn't matter if she is sorry or not cause the damage has been done. I would expect him to defend me against her always.

Here's the thing tho, it's his mother. He's probably had to deal with her fat hatred and bipolar personality for a long time. Perhaps there is only so much he can take seriously from her and he probably just shuts her out mentally when she rants cause it's the easiest thing to do other than to just stop seeing her altogether. I wouldn't have broken up with him over it tho. I would just make it clear that she is not to be in my presence ever again. I wouldn't worry either about whatever she says when you aren't around cause if her feelings are that strong, then that's just not something you or your bf or his siblings,or anyone can control. You can however control how you deal with her and your reaction to her.
I agree with Olwen. You defended yourself and he put his mother in place. There is nothing else the man can do nor was it his fault. Plus the fact she has a mental illness and has her own issues she must deal with. I would just tell my boyfriend that I prefer not to be in his mother's presence and if I am she better be civil. Do not throw away a good man because of his mother's behavior.
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Old 07-01-2010, 07:26 AM   #25
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This sucks so bad and I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. My aunt disapproved of her eldest son's choice in wife - not cos she was fat but because she wasn't educated. She tormented this girl till their marriage imploded and it was like she just couldn't see what she was doing was wrong. Her mantra was that - she's not good enough for my boy and eventually my cousin started seeing it that way too. If you guys are really serious its going to come down to a choice - his mom or you and that choice can only be made by him. For your part I think what you've done is super, super wise. Some distance and space will help put things into perspective and maybe help you to realise what you're willing to put up with long term and what you arent. I sincerely hope it works out for the both of you
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