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Old 08-06-2010, 03:11 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by QuasimodoQT View Post
I can really relate to this. My friends and family tell me that I'm pretty. Every once in a while the angles and lighting all align where I can see it in a photo, but I have issues with almost everything about the way I look. Hence my handle.

When I care about someone, they gradually become more and more attractive to me, and vice versa. So when people who love me give me compliments, I chalk it up to that.

I did think I was a pretty child, but I attracted so much sexual attention as a kid that I don't think it did me any favors- as others have said- predators are drawn to that, and I had plenty of predators.

I really -don't- know if I see it differently than other people, but it's my personal truth.
While I don't wish that on anyone, I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from.

Looking back, when I was a young child, I was sorta cute. I too was abused, and I also had/have a crazy mother that told/tells me on regular occasions how horrible I was/am. She also spent the majority of my childhood in psychiatric hospitals where I was handed off to whomever would take me. I got everyone's leftovers, was often neglected, had to fade away just to survive, and was explicitly told not to do, say, or look any way that might attract attention (good or bad). That's probably where my lack of regard for myself comes from.
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:16 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Tracyarts View Post
" Or women who say they are 'ugly' but are really beautiful in reality. I see a lot of women downplaying their beauty. "

I've noticed that with many of the women I've been around it's really frowned upon to openly acknowledge your physical assets, and to actually show pride in them is absolutely unacceptable. Hell, it's not even just looks, they downplay all their assets lest they be labeled as "conceited" or "full of themself".

And I don't get that. There is pressure to be pretty, talented, successful, etc... but also pressure to downplay it or at least act nonchalant about it. Because if you own it and show pride in it, you risk being labeled "conceited" or "full of yourself".

Makes no sense whatsoever.
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Exactly, and not just with physical beauty but anything in general--their intelligence, education level, etc. A woman who considers herself as beautiful may be met with "you think you're all that, don't you?" Or here is another one, "you're the vainest person."
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:58 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by QuasimodoQT View Post
I can really relate to this. My friends and family tell me that I'm pretty. Every once in a while the angles and lighting all align where I can see it in a photo, but I have issues with almost everything about the way I look. Hence my handle.

When I care about someone, they gradually become more and more attractive to me, and vice versa. So when people who love me give me compliments, I chalk it up to that.

I did think I was a pretty child, but I attracted so much sexual attention as a kid that I don't think it did me any favors- as others have said- predators are drawn to that, and I had plenty of predators.

I really -don't- know if I see it differently than other people, but it's my personal truth.
I attracted a lot of sexual attention when I was a child and still do. I've come to believe sex is the only thing I can offer a person, since that's all they seemed to ever want. Plus, live I've said before, if I say "no" it doesn't really matter, they'll find some way to get it from me, anyways.
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:12 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post
While I don't wish that on anyone, I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from.

Looking back, when I was a young child, I was sorta cute. I too was abused, and I also had/have a crazy mother that told/tells me on regular occasions how horrible I was/am. She also spent the majority of my childhood in psychiatric hospitals where I was handed off to whomever would take me. I got everyone's leftovers, was often neglected, had to fade away just to survive, and was explicitly told not to do, say, or look any way that might attract attention (good or bad). That's probably where my lack of regard for myself comes from.
I can identify with this in a lot of ways. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and I experienced a lot of emotional abuse and neglect from her, and some physical abuse when I was growing up. I was constantly criticized, everything about me was wrong, especially the way I thought and felt (which is par for the course with someone suffering from BPD; they literally can't understand and accept anyone else's feelings but their own). I got a lot of criticism on the looks front, too, but heard more often that my interests and feelings were wrong. I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience your mom going in and out of psychiatric hospitals. That wasn't something I went through and can't imagine how awful that must have been. But I spent a lot of time fading and escaping from my mom and the general household in order to survive. When I was older and had spent some time away from my family, I realized that I didn't really know how to see myself and that I have a lack of regard for myself. I've tried to work on it over the years, but old habits die hard.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:27 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post
While I don't wish that on anyone, I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from.

Looking back, when I was a young child, I was sorta cute. I too was abused, and I also had/have a crazy mother that told/tells me on regular occasions how horrible I was/am. She also spent the majority of my childhood in psychiatric hospitals where I was handed off to whomever would take me. I got everyone's leftovers, was often neglected, had to fade away just to survive, and was explicitly told not to do, say, or look any way that might attract attention (good or bad). That's probably where my lack of regard for myself comes from.
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Originally Posted by thirtiesgirl View Post
I can identify with this in a lot of ways. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and I experienced a lot of emotional abuse and neglect from her, and some physical abuse when I was growing up. I was constantly criticized, everything about me was wrong, especially the way I thought and felt (which is par for the course with someone suffering from BPD; they literally can't understand and accept anyone else's feelings but their own). I got a lot of criticism on the looks front, too, but heard more often that my interests and feelings were wrong. I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience your mom going in and out of psychiatric hospitals. That wasn't something I went through and can't imagine how awful that must have been. But I spent a lot of time fading and escaping from my mom and the general household in order to survive. When I was older and had spent some time away from my family, I realized that I didn't really know how to see myself and that I have a lack of regard for myself. I've tried to work on it over the years, but old habits die hard.
Both of your posts made me think a lot about my own behaviour, and the way my own childhood has impacted the way I view myself as a woman, and my appearance.

My mother was physically abusive and had her own mental issues she dealt with. I learnt very early on to "disappear" or be as unobtrusive as possible in case I happened to be in arms reach, or in the wrong place at the wrong time. I cut off my hair at one point so she could not drag me around when she was in a rage. In the end she cut it all off anyway, because she told me I looked like a slut when I would wear it loose. She told me non stop that I would be so much prettier if I lost weight, and was put on a continuous round of diets as a child and young girl.

I learnt that thin equals beautiful, and have had a very hard time growing into and being comfortable in my own skin. It is rare that I consider myself pretty, but at times think I may be. But it is always there in the back of my head, if only I was thinner, maybe I could be pretty.

She and I have made peace, but I have an incredibly hard time letting her touch me now or sharing my life with her. But I know she still thinks the same way....if only you were thinner you would have yourself a man, a better life etc. . GRRRR!
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:48 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by thirtiesgirl View Post
I can identify with this in a lot of ways. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and I experienced a lot of emotional abuse and neglect from her, and some physical abuse when I was growing up. I was constantly criticized, everything about me was wrong, especially the way I thought and felt (which is par for the course with someone suffering from BPD; they literally can't understand and accept anyone else's feelings but their own). I got a lot of criticism on the looks front, too, but heard more often that my interests and feelings were wrong. I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience your mom going in and out of psychiatric hospitals. That wasn't something I went through and can't imagine how awful that must have been. But I spent a lot of time fading and escaping from my mom and the general household in order to survive. When I was older and had spent some time away from my family, I realized that I didn't really know how to see myself and that I have a lack of regard for myself. I've tried to work on it over the years, but old habits die hard.
Thanks.

Yeah, mine is severely bipolar, and has Borderline Personality Disorder too. It's pretty sad that the majority of my childhood memories are playing on the grounds of psych hospitals.

It's always me that's the problem (in her eyes). I went with her once to family counseling......never again.. She was cruel and cold, and didn't see how awful she was being (even though I was crying). The therapist tried to get through to her, but she could care less. During it all, he looked at me with pity and told me, "I'm so sorry."

She was always putting me on diets. It has always seemed as if I was never enough in her eyes. I guess the worst thing is that she'll just berate me, tell me I'm a horrible person, then say a minute later that she loves me so much, and that I'm the most important person in her life. That's f-ed up.

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Originally Posted by littlefairywren View Post
Both of your posts made me think a lot about my own behaviour, and the way my own childhood has impacted the way I view myself as a woman, and my appearance.

My mother was physically abusive and had her own mental issues she dealt with. I learnt very early on to "disappear" or be as unobtrusive as possible in case I happened to be in arms reach, or in the wrong place at the wrong time. I cut off my hair at one point so she could not drag me around when she was in a rage. In the end she cut it all off anyway, because she told me I looked like a slut when I would wear it loose. She told me non stop that I would be so much prettier if I lost weight, and was put on a continuous round of diets as a child and young girl.

I learnt that thin equals beautiful, and have had a very hard time growing into and being comfortable in my own skin. It is rare that I consider myself pretty, but at times think I may be. But it is always there in the back of my head, if only I was thinner, maybe I could be pretty.

She and I have made peace, but I have an incredibly hard time letting her touch me now or sharing my life with her. But I know she still thinks the same way....if only you were thinner you would have yourself a man, a better life etc. . GRRRR!
(((HUGS))) to my Chicklet!
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Old 08-08-2010, 03:49 PM   #57
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Thanks.

Yeah, mine is severely bipolar, and has Borderline Personality Disorder too. It's pretty sad that the majority of my childhood memories are playing on the grounds of psych hospitals.

It's always me that's the problem (in her eyes). I went with her once to family counseling......never again.. She was cruel and cold, and didn't see how awful she was being (even though I was crying). The therapist tried to get through to her, but she could care less. During it all, he looked at me with pity and told me, "I'm so sorry."
Ugh, what an awful experience.

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Originally Posted by MizzSnakeBite View Post
She was always putting me on diets. It has always seemed as if I was never enough in her eyes. I guess the worst thing is that she'll just berate me, tell me I'm a horrible person, then say a minute later that she loves me so much, and that I'm the most important person in her life. That's f-ed up.
This sounds very much like my mom. She's not quite as severe, but I've always gotten the mixed messages from her. I got called all sorts of names when I started dating my first serious boyfriend in college. I was living at home because I was paying my way through school, because my mom wouldn't sign the financial aid papers for me to go to a school away from home. So when I started dating my college boyfriend and having sex with him, it was kind of hard to hide being out all night and coming home the next morning. So I was told "he's just using you," "he wants only one thing," called a slut, whore, etc. She even kicked him out of the house when he came to visit once.

As soon as I graduated college, I was out of her house and moved into a shared living situation with some other people. One month, I accidentally bounced my rent check, so I had to ask my mom to borrow $400 because I had no one else to turn to. She didn't believe I needed the money for rent and would only loan it to me after I'd called the property manager and she could confirm with him over the phone that I'd bounced a check. Once that humiliation was over, she loaned me the $400. It was only after I left that I realized what she'd thought I'd needed the money for. She thought I'd needed it for an abortion and wouldn't have given it to me if I had.

Years later, long after I'd broken up with my college boyfriend and moved to LA, I made the mistake of talking with my mom about my dating life and how dismal it was. Her response? "Whatever happened to Ben (the college b/f)? Don't you two ever talk any more? He was such a nice boy!" ...I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:37 AM   #58
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Pretty is relative.
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:53 PM   #59
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Default It's old but I think it applies here....

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i stole this great video rant from a friend's facebook. it is really thought provoking. even though the designation "pretty" seems to be especially important among fat women in particular does the "pretty"question limit all girls no matter their size? how has the pretty word shaped you? has it limited who you are or distracted you from focusing on who you really are inside? is it just a part of you that you don't over analyze and accept as something you are anyway?

Katie Makkai's "Pretty" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Old but still rings true with me.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:10 PM   #60
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The word 'Pretty' has taken such a beatdown. Now everyone wants to be 'sexy'!
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:17 PM   #61
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Old but still rings true with me.
But that just puts control of the ball in somebody elses court, unless you are solely talking about a woman looking into a mirror...if not, it really misses what is being discussed here.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:21 PM   #62
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The word 'Pretty' has taken such a beatdown. Now everyone wants to be 'sexy'!
sexy is in the process of taking a beatdown too. its another word full of empty promises.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:21 PM   #63
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sexy is in the process of taking a beatdown too. its another word full of empty promises.
As is 'cute.' I get 'cute' a lot. I really used to hate it, especially in high school and college because I wanted to be such a femme fatale. Never mind that I was about as fatale as an after dinner mint...still am, really. I just hated being referred to as 'cute.' I would have much preferred 'sexy.' ...Although I suppose I really shouldn't complain. I'd even take 'cute' these days. Heh.
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:45 PM   #64
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I always got "cute" and still do. As well as "pretty" and that is more insulting to me than a stab at my size, to be honest.

Though, if someone uses the word "sexy" it totally rubs me the wrong way. I hate the word. I never use the word and absolutely hate hearing it as a descriptor for me. I always felt a negative vibe with the word, like it immediately means all you're worth is sex. And I don't want to be seen as that, nor do I see anyone else as that, so I never say it.

But then again, any "compliments" rub me the wrong way, but words with a more sexual theme are the ones that bother me the most. I'm not a sex toy, and I feel those kinds of words mean the person sees me as just that.
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:10 AM   #65
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But then again, any "compliments" rub me the wrong way, but words with a more sexual theme are the ones that bother me the most. I'm not a sex toy, and I feel those kinds of words mean the person sees me as just that.
It shouldn't rub you the wrong way. We are humans and we are sexual creatures. We should not be ashamed of our sexual power.
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:21 AM   #66
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Full of empty promises for who?

I'm a woman who enjoys giving and receiving compliments. Simple as that. I don't base my self-worth on it though. It adds a lil pep in my step to compliment another woman. Sometimes things are really harmless and it's best to enjoy them as they are. A compliment is just that.

No beat downs for any words.
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:28 AM   #67
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Full of empty promises for who?

I'm a woman who enjoys giving and receiving compliments. Simple as that. I don't base my self-worth on it though. It adds a lil pep in my step to compliment another woman. Sometimes things are really harmless and it's best to enjoy them as they are. A compliment is just that.

No beat downs for any words.
Agreed 100%. There is no ulterior motive or deceit in the compliments I give, and I really enjoy telling people good things about them, whether it's something they said, the new color of their hair, or admiring their taste. It's an extension of my admiration for them.

And I enjoy compliments as well, except by strangers who want to see photos of my ass.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:34 PM   #68
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I kind of get where Carla's coming from, though. If a guy approaches me at a bar or online and the first words out of his mouth are "hey, sexy," I know he's not being sincere. If he approaches me and says something like, "hi there, I really like that color on you," "that corset really suits you," "I like what you have to say for yourself," or even "how are you doing?", I'll be much more willing to talk with him.

Now if I know a guy well and he compliments me by saying I look sexy, I have no problem with that. Or if I'm going out with the girls and they tell me I'm looking like a hot mama, I have no problem with that either. But if some guy I don't know well is trying to open the conversation with "hey, sexy" or "hey, beautiful," it doesn't really work for me.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:38 PM   #69
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Yeah. Too many people throw words around to the point where they lose all meaning. It starts feeling like fast food...tasty - but a diet filled with it is empty and not very satifying.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:31 PM   #70
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thirtiesgirl View Post
As is 'cute.' I get 'cute' a lot. I really used to hate it, especially in high school and college because I wanted to be such a femme fatale. Never mind that I was about as fatale as an after dinner mint...still am, really. I just hated being referred to as 'cute.' I would have much preferred 'sexy.' ...Although I suppose I really shouldn't complain. I'd even take 'cute' these days. Heh.
I can so relate to this!

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Originally Posted by CarlaSixx View Post
I always got "cute" and still do. As well as "pretty" and that is more insulting to me than a stab at my size, to be honest.
<snip>
And this. What was rather absurd yet really hurt was when my brother decided to hold a discussion with himself about my looks. I was "cute" not pretty or beautiful (As an elder brother and former HUGELY abusive jerk he seemed to think I had a large, unreasonable ego and needed to be reminded of how non-special I was, and frequently. God damn all issues.) Standard fat-girl compliments from other people of "pretty eyes" and "pretty smile" barely hurt after that. Despite working on improving my self-image it's still really difficult to assess my looks. At least I can like my nose these days. lol

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Originally Posted by happyface83 View Post
It shouldn't rub you the wrong way. We are humans and we are sexual creatures. We should not be ashamed of our sexual power.
As well as this over the course of my learning to accept compliments and stand up for myself. I think sex is all that with biscuits and gravy and feel no shame for desiring or enjoying the various things I do.

I've already written what I think of pretty but thought I'd add a few words about hot. UGH!! For me it conjurs up images of the 1-900 blondes with their fake-boobed, styrofoam bodies and vapid looks. It's a shame because it's an apt word for any person who raises your sexual temperature (maybe it's just a thing against Paris Hilton). It's also kind of odd because when a man is described as hot, I have less of a problem with it. I"ll get over the hot prejudice eventually. I mean, I got over thinking fat was a bad word, no problem.
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Old 08-13-2010, 07:40 AM   #71
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I held off commenting on this thread cause its a complex subject for me. I have never identified with being "pretty". As I have said many a time I know I am not a total dog, but don't think I am classically good looking either-I am of average looks in my opinion. Where does this opinion come from?

Firstly its growing up with people who told me that who I was, what I looked like wasn't enough. And the aversion to the word pretty has to do with hearing over and over You have such a pretty face if only blah blah blah bullshit. For a good many years I had trouble accepting a compliment because oftentimes it was a joke, or a way to play me to get what someone wanted from me. So early on I started working on the inner me and my talents and strengths that had nothing to do with my looks, because those around me didn't appreciate or value the way I looked and I learned to rely on those things rather than get by with my looks and sexuality as many of my thinner girlfriends did. As a result I have come to really like who I am and along with that an acceptance of the package that contains the essence of me. I do take care with my personal grooming, dress well for my body type, and for the most part like what I see in the mirror now. Every woman has issues with their bodies and they are different when we were teens, as young women, and now that I am in my late 40's the issues that come along with aging. However I look at the fact that I can still lead a busy and active life in this body, people think I am a decade younger than I am because the fat keeps the wrinkles off and I have a young attitude, and I have a husband, friends and family that think I am beautiful. And for me being pretty has more to do with who I am and how I look-its the total package that makes someone attractive.
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Old 09-11-2010, 09:43 AM   #72
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Another thing that I find interesting, if you are pretty but intelligent and strong, some people tend to turn off to that. They do not know what to do with you because they can't place you in a box. It is like, "how dare you be beautiful and headstrong?" You have to be docile! Hell no!
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Old 09-11-2010, 10:30 PM   #73
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My friends tell me that I look cute but never pretty. Every time they say that all I hear you're average. Cute lost its meaning to me...I want something more grown up. Sorry about my whining
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:47 PM   #74
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i think my favorite compliment for a woman is beautiful. somehow its a word that can have a more expansive meaning. its not for just a night but for a lifetime and beyond. it is legend. maybe thats why so many people tend to choke on it and its hard for them to say. it carries some serious heft. saying something like "well she isn't THAT beautiful" doesn't really work very well. its easy to qualify cute or pretty but not beautiful. either its something a woman is or isn't. hair color isn't enough, eye color isn't enough, body shape or size isn't enough. when you're talking about a beautiful woman you have to be all in. there has to be some spirit in there somewhere. it doesn't go away with the body. its ageles and timeless. it works at 2 or 82. it lingers in people's minds forever. its not a passing thing limited to one aspect of a human being. it is an act, a thought, it can have a mind and an intellect, a wish,an idea and even an atmosphere. you can't own it. you can't really create it. it just exists. i love that word for a great woman.
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:04 AM   #75
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I don't think I've ever been beautiful. I think I've rarely been pretty. I often pull off cute. I'm nearly always quirky.

And it isn't a "low self esteem" thing--it's just that I don't think I have the graces required to pull off such things. I have the graces required to be nominated Punk Rock Prom Queen (the P.R.Prom King was a 6' inflatable penis--there are photos of us dancing somewhere online, gonna have to go look for those) but not the actual Prom Queen...and, mostly, I'm all right with that.
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